I want to disappear.
Straight into the abyss
But it is almost my birthday.
In 2 hours
So why do I feel like ****?

Another year and look where I am
Hands deep in my pockets
But no longer depressed
I haven't cut in forever
No painting myself red
I haven't hated myself
Hated my name

I left all that behind in 2018

You didn't.
You stopped in 2016
Dead in the phase when we all were trying to find a reason to live.  
You really did die
When we all were pretending to be
You didn't leave the phase that left me
In 2018

It is weird
That a story told from two mouths
Can be totally different.
Not one is similar.
The story you said you saw
Is not what I saw

I think you might be gay
But I accept you as you are
So if you ever come out
I will be here with open arms

I am a shy girl
Age 17
Who has her nose in a book
Because society doesn't accept her
Her friends are not her friends
Since they are so calm to dump her
No one seems to care for the girl
Who has her face in a book
To hide the tears
From the unspoken words
She always hears
I am a shy girl
Age 17
Who writes poems
That no one sees
Since she hides them so perfectly
She cries reading them
As she sees how her life has been
From friends who dump her To unseen and unheard tears
To unspoken words
From the girl
A shy girl
Who is age 17

I was young. A girl of just 13 when my life was taken away from me.
He was a leader to me and someone I trusted deeply. But when doors were closed and rooms were dark, he was a demon.
He took little pieces of me away. My sanity, my trust, my everything.
No one knew what he was doing but neither did I. I was young and naive. Always trusting someone.
All I could do was feel trapped as he touched my innocent tiny body. Touched all the parts that he shouldn't have. Parts that were mine and mine only.
I felt trapped and suffocated over the months it accured. I felt more and more disturbed and felt like this wasn't right.
My mother told me to say out loud if things like this happened.
But I couldn't.
I would disappoint her. So I lashed out at him. It was sudden anger and trapping myself in my room for him to stay away. Countless knifes littered my room if he ever forced himself on me.
That little girl disappeared with his hands.
And to this day he is still in the family. The demon I am forced to consider my father.
No one knows.
Not that I would ever tell them.

I am no one's.
I only belong to the wind
And the sea.
My breath fogging windows
On a fall day.

I just wanna be alone
**** everyone
**** them
Leave me alone
At least for a little bit

Today was one of those days
That gave a breath of cool air into my soul
And restarted my dark heart
Even for just a minute
I felt alright

Give me another hit.  
I am feeling scared
I want to forget who I was and what is now
Nothing will matter in a second
Not the dark
Not what is happening

Give me another hit
I want to taste the burn and feel the fire
I want to faze off so the fear isn't anything anymore

Give me another hit
Just one more.
I promise this is the last
I just want to forget.

**** it up famm

And on that note
Might not be posting on here anymore
Worked ******* this account
But I guess times change
Might visit.
Who knows

I love you deeper than the ocean
And higher than the galaxies
But you need to trust me baby.
And lose your anxieties over me.

Anything
I will take anything to get this feeling out of my chest
This headache out of my head
I can't take it.
I want it out
with blood
with a pill
with cancer in a stick.
Anything please
Just make me forget I exist.
I just wish
I loved life a little less.

A stroke across a page
Coloring the once white page
Colors of how I feel inside
Paint splattered tired hands
Only doing it to feel again
Emotions hidden in colors
On a beautiful sky
A stoke across a page
Coloring the Gray world, blue
Adding sunshine in when it is needed
Changing the world
But only by a stoke
On a white piece of paper
That doesn't matter.
~PAF ~

They finally fixed
This small site
The one I abandoned for a while
But I am back
Fresh and fleek
And getting abandoned
From my own family.

How lovely the clouds look
From the ground below
Painting the world in darkness
Such a beauty to behold.

It is so weird
How this is my life
How I am alive in all this
And get to change my fate

But death will come
And somehow curiosity
Is in my skin
Of what happens
After my heart stops beating

Part of me wants to run to you
Beg for you
Put up with the hitting and bleeding
But I know
As I walk away
That I am better off without you

I am outside
Outside my soul
Outside my body
All my feelings surreal
In bliss and ecstasy
From what you say to me.  

A smile never leaves my lips
A trace of laugh in my cheeks
And blush left over from what you said.
This is my now.
But it feels too lovely to be true.  
How you look at me
How you talk to me.  
This bliss
This heaven.  
No, better then heaven.  
This is the person
I wouldn't mind stealing the moon for them.

This face is natural
And it may look mean
I look like a *****
Who eats nails daily

But I am actually sweet
With a heart of gold
Just talk to me

But be prepared
Because if you break my heart
I will tear you apart.
Because this ***** Face can be a *****

Just breath in and out
But how do I do that?
Every breath seems to take more air out
Until I am suffocating on nothing at all
Breath
Take it one step at a time
But how do I do that?
Every step I take turns into a tumble
And now I am falling to my ultimate doom.
Breath
Everything will work out in the end
Or it won't
Maybe I was meant to fall and crash and burn
The minute I was born
Breath
Don't worry
But it is only going down hill
A never ending tumble
Until I crash and burn
And breath in the smoke
Until I suffocate
On nothing at all

Bumblebee
Sweetheart
You have stole my heart
The poetry you write
Seeps into my soul
A beautiful cup of tea
Hot and ready
And I will drink deeply
And give my tea
Back to thy
My perfect
Bumblebee.

You walked away
With my heart in your hands
Smirking at what you stole
I was on fire
Burning all over
It felt like when I placed my hand on a pan
The pan that burned me all over
Burned my soul
The kind of burn that would blister
I wanted the pain
I wanted to hurt
But I wanted you to be there
Not the one to cause me to burn

Butterflies in my chest
A feeling I haven't felt before
Talking to me like I have self worth
I can't help but think about you
Even in the
Dark
It isn't just what you do that gets me worked up and swooning.  
It is what you say.  
It is how you get super smart all the time
It is how you smile and scrunch your nose up
Like a pug
It is how you hug me fully and never let go.  
Butterflies in my chest
And oh does it feel so good when I think of you.

I'm changing
Into something
Not sure yet
But this phase
Feels almost like a butterfly
Just waiting to finally fly.

Throw me to the side
Cancel everything we had planned
Don't talk to me for days
Never say you love me.
But here I am
Still attached to you
Still loving you
When you haven't been here for me
For years it seems
Cancel me.

I am
Lost but Found
           Broken but Fixed
Old but New
I am someone
                               Different
Someone who learned from their
M
I
S
T
A
K
E
S
But you didn't change me or help me.
I did it for me
While you watched from
Afar
Acting like you took part in who I
Am
Today

Half way through the year
And what have you did,  oh dear...  
Have you gave to people in need?
No,  you stay in the way.  
Like a ****.  
You focus on your self hoping you never delay
But the year isn't over.  
You still have time
To change the fate of the world
Even if you just have a dime.

At some point tears turn into anger
And I am sick and tired of crying and crying

My teal hair
The perfect color
A clash from my sea green eyes
And ivory skin
Attention seeps into my skin
I want to change everything
Everything about me
This year has been a change
Let's end it
With a bang.

Tick Tock
I can't help it

Tick Tock
I can't help that when I am alone
I see you with her

Tick Tock
All the seconds I see you kissing her
When you promised me
Forever

Tick Tock
I can't tell you how I feel
But the seconds keep going by.
And every second that goes by

Tick Tock
I feel like I never even had you to begin with

Tick Tock
You run off to her.
Because she keeps your bed warm at night

Tick Tock
You think I don't know

Tick Tock
But when you kiss me
When you hug me

Tick Tock
I know it isn't for me anymore
She won
I lost

Tick Tock
And now I have nothing
But empty sheets
And a gun
That promises sanity

Click

Love me deep
Love me true
And maybe I will give you coconut
From my hips too.

My mind is a mix of color and paint
Confusing me from reality and fake
Coloring me what I shouldn't be
Drawing all the colors of a world
That is not reality
And I can't stop
I don't have a choice now
This is my life
I could of escaped
If I thought of something
Other then color and paint

Something is not quite right here
And it isn't me.

You don't say a word
And neither do I.  
And endless silence
But quite content.  
We just listen to each other breath
Not breaking the silence.

Love me bitter
Love me sweet
Just sweep me off my feet
Sugar and spice
Oh you are so nice
A perfect combination
Of me and you
Just enough to make any couple.
Drool.

I am crazy
Absolutely crazy
Focusing on the negative
And not being happy

Trying to tell myself
Everything is fine
But I can't even
Say what is on my mind.

I am crazy
Absolutely crazy

My brain is stuck in cruise
And sometimes I get lost
Lost on words and emotions
Stuck on what I should be feelin
Head poundin and medication low
My brain is stuck in cruise
Just goin with the flow
Maybe I am addicted
Or maybe this is withdraw
But baby I am stuck
Stuck on words to stay to you

It is a crush
Nothing much more than a few words said.  
Just a crush on a boy with a head full of blond hair
Tall and handsome
With beautiful green eyes.  
Just a crush.  He doesn't know it though since I always hide how I feel.  
Just a crush.  
I haven't felt this in a long time.  Since my heart was broken by the last guy.  
Just a crush on a guy.  Who may never like me back.

I cut again after a steak of months with nothing
I guess I finally felt nothing
Because the cuts didn't even hurt
And I didn't regret them
So I cut again
But I will never tell anyone
Cause what is the point
No one can help me if I can't even help myself.

I remember when I was young
And I thought people never died.  
No one died.  
I lived in a little world all on my own.  
But then little by little my family died off
My dad
My grandma
My aunt
Everyone died.
And I accepted that as what is too become
Pets die and so do we.  
It is hard to accept death unless you live in it.  
I live and thrive in the death that surrounds my life.  
I sometimes wonder why I am still even alive.

I am always fighting
Never truly winning
But breathing each day
and waiting for the next.
Fighting myself
And my thoughts.
Lies that run so deep
They become the truth to me.
Each day
A never ending battle
To feel
And to breath
But I put a smile on
Because depression
Isn't me.

I am gonna be selfish
And no longer care
If I destroy you
In thin air.

I can't write religion
Or write to inspire
But I can give my stories
From the heart
To tell the future
That it is alright
To be different
From the others

You are open like a book
Telling stories of your past
Being too truthful
And loud at each word
Telling things left unsaid
But you keep talking
Digging yourself deeper
Then you were last.

"you are going to hell"
Well too bad BeCKy I ain't doing ****
I don't believe in that *******
I am gonna die and be a dragon
Gonna do all the cool things
Cause I would rather be free
Then stuck with other people
Who are like you.

The most scary thing,  at least to me,  is being told you can't have kids.  
Now it is not like I wanted kids.  
But the thought of when my doctor told me so casually at a young age that I may never be able to, has always scared me.  
I wasn't that old.  Someone who never got my monthly at the age 16. And a doctor just bluntly tells me I am messed up.  
Now years later it still isn't fixed and I stay worried
That I will disappoint someone I am with.  
People tell me that is it fine.  They were told the same thing.  
But it isn't fine!  I am not you!  And what happens if it is true.  
I am told by my friends that I am blessed.  To never really get a monthly or to get it every few months.  It isn't lucky.  My bones are brittle and I always have a nagging feeling that I will disappoint my partner.  But I won't say anything.  It is too soon for that.  But at some point he will click two and two together.  He is very smart after all.

Her beauty was like no other
Like a rose just in bloom
But like roses he clipped her for a decoration in his room
She was like a doll, more like a puppet
Said only what pleased him for he held the strings that controlled her
But like old toys he threw her to the side for another
He bleached her dry of her innocence and self
So she threw herself off the roof to end her life as well.

I am not gonna read any longer
And no longer write
Cause it seems you write to hurt me
A punch in the throat
And I hate it
Cause when I hurt you
I feel bad
But when you write to hurt
You don't seem to care.