Do you see this?
The words I write online
Mixing and clashing in beautiful colors
A story for eyes who want to indulge

Do you see this?
Do you feel the emotions mix as I send them out.
Does it paint a picture in your mind
Bright colors of read and deep indigo

Do you?
Cause I hope you do.

I am always sleepy
Never really breathing
Freaking out
When I see other sides of me
No one knows who I am
Never really seeing
That fake smile
Set so easy
Trips you up
Into believing
My eyes way to heavy
Never wanting to wake me
My dreams full of make believe
Leave me wanting more than anything
You only see me
Never really believe me
But sometime soon
You will notice
I am not who you think is me

Smoke into my lungs
Deep and painful
But breath it out as if nothing
Death a gift
Given from the smoke
But here I go
Straight into my addiction.

Breath in and out
Just a little sore
Neck, back, knees
Thighs, arms, shoulders
Some on purpose
Others from age
I wasn't like this before
But I have gotten better from a year ago.
You struggle
You survive
Breathing air
Until your heart works itself to death
And you die as well

It feels like a elementary crush.
Like no matter what
You will never like me back
You say you do
But she is always on your mind
And it hurts
But I keep crushing
And loving you
Even when I will never get it back.

Why am I giving my all?
When you won't give me anything
But empty messages and empty arms.  
And leaving me with a broken heart.

People work for the money
Work to support others.  
But all I have ever wanted was a bit of happiness

People go to college for the money it may bring
People go for a job it promises
We do things for the promise that money brings happiness.  

I don't care about the money.  
I don't care about the job.  
I just want a bit of happiness that may come along
Money only brings security and will only leave you empty.  

People work for money
For the promise of happiness
But money doesn't give you anything
But an endless emptiness.

You enter my mind
As if you always belonged
And filth my thoughts pretending to be kind
It was forever ago and I have to move beyond
But what you did is everlasting
Stained my soul with hate
But I am not collapsing
You were not my fate
Just a speed bump along the way.

Hours
I spend it on my face
To make me love myself
Even when the person I show now is not even me.
Mascara
Foundation
Highlighter
Hide all my mistakes
Erase my flaws
Erase me
One stroke at a time
Hour by hour
I erase the girl I was
And replace her
With what everyone wants to see.
With time
I erase
Me.

I failed
And that is all I am
I failed to keep your heart safe
From hurt and darkness
I failed it all
And I failed you
But I failed myself
Cause I couldn't keep loving you

Was it all fake?
Every hug,
Every kiss,
Every I love you,
Every I miss you?

Was it all fake?
Cause throwing me to the side made it feel like it.
Cause you **** don't miss me.
I guess it was all fake
And I can't help but cry about it.

Everything is awful.
It seems when things seem better they always get worse.
Why can't life be easy.
Why can't life be grand for everyone and not just one big struggle to survive!

Tonight my heart is not in the right place
My brain is lost in the clouds
And my body is buried somewhere underground
4 am
And I am forever lost
On this feeling
Maybe I should sleep it off
Or pray to God
Whatever it is
Please be gone

Trying to have something you never could
But still you try
Pushing yourself in the dirt
To just see the sunshine
For one taste of what it feels like to be free
You fight for it
Digging yourself out
Just to bury yourself in
One step forward and two back
You can't fight for forever

Finally free from the walls I built up around me.
I dont know what made me build them. Maybe it was to feel safe.
Maybe it was all the promises that they made.
That I would be happy, safe, and fine.
I built up the walls around me and put everyone around me on such a high status.
I had to be the perfect person. The person they would love me to be.
I am finally figuring out. That no matter how isolated I am. It will never make me happy.
That no matter how hard I try you can never be the perfect person
I am finally free. Or at least I am trying.
If you do not like me for me, that is fine but I will not try to be the person you want me to be.
Free yourself and be who you want to be.
Cause the only person to ever make you happy.
Is yourself.

Your lips touched mine lightly
But could turn vigorous at any time
As if you could not get close enough
Like the space between us was too much
But I liked every kiss.
Every kiss lit my heart on fire
In a burst of flames
And when we parted
I could see the fire in your eyes
Just like mine

Our hands met
Fire on ice
My ice cube hands melting in your warmth
Fire on Ice
Our love burst into flames
That became bigger as the flames burst
My fingers intertwined with yours
Gripping tighter
Getting warmer and warmer
My ice heart melting in your warmth
Melting in your hands
Fire on ice
Your burst of hot flames
My fingers wrapped around yours
Like a spider
I nested into you
Never wanting to part
But when we did
I ached for you again
Feeling icy
Until my hand met yours
Once again

The fire stages of grief or in my case.  The five stages of a messed up relationship.  
Denial:
- He is just honest.  He didn't mean it that way.  He wants the best for me.  I am pretty stupid sometimes.  
Anger:
- How can he tell me to live my life?  I deserve better.  I am not a toy.  I am going to break up with him!  
Bargaining:
- I can just delete the message.  Maybe if I just tell him again how I feel it will go back to normal.  Maybe he was just playing....  
Depression:  
- Oh god,  It is really over between us...  What did I do?  I need him!  All my friends will hate me now because they liked us together.  What if he stalks me?  
Acceptance:  
- I am better off.  I deserve to be happy,  I am happy.  It wouldn't have worked out between us but we are both happier now.  Friends or not friends.  No matter what my feelings matter and they weren't getting respected so I have to put myself first and I am proud of that.  I am proud of my choices.

The past was hidden deep under my mask.
All that happened was forgotten under my smile.
I was fine.
The break up was awful but I am okay.
The bruise is just from a fall.
But every time someone came near or touched me unexpected
I would flinch
And my mask would crack
Letting just a little of my horrid past
Unmask

Born to a mother with no father in sight.  
But my mother is everything I will need with my life

People are mean but kids are meaner
Taught me that love isn't worth it either.  
Made fun of you no matter what you wore
And no matter what you did

Dropping out of school seemed so easy
But I had to stay cause I liked making my family happy

Growing up was tough with barely any money.
But to everyone I seemed pretty okay
Years go by and I am still trying to find myself
But through the thorns those kids planted
It is hard to find anything but harm and hatred.  

Working crazy hours
Working crazy days.  
Only to find that it doesn't satisfy anything
Living each moment
Living each day
At some point I will be happy
All I have to do is wait.

I sinned today
A sinner I am
Then I went to work
And forgot
All together
Every issue
Every problem
For just a second
And it was nice
Just to forget
When you looked at me
And called me an *******
In a kidding way

Steaming mad
Anger in my bones
Lava in my flesh.
**** college man
It can eat my ****

The future is unknown
And very foggy to the least
But make choices to effect
What we want in our near future
But it is still unknown
And gives scare
Cause the future is crazy
Cause we can't control what is there

No matter what i do the nightmares come back of what happened in 2013.
I didnt say anything.  
Held it a secret that hurt my heart.  
I am guilty and upset but it wasnt my fault.
Right?  
Even if taken to law.  
You will get away with it
My word against yours
And years of difference of what you scarred me with.

I read the words you wrote.
And my heart hurts
My entire body gives away
To emptiness
And sadness
I did not mean to ruin you.
I did not mean it at all
But I am so unhappy
How can I ever move on.

I am gone
The girl I once was
Escaped with every cut
And ever name I was called
She left with the bruises
I took from you
And all the things I couldn't do
The innocent girl
Is now replaced
With a girl
Who can disappear
Into the background
A girl
Who flinches at every touch
And thinks she will get slapped
At every second

Don't wait for me
Cause I can't change this path I am on
The love for you is gone
And I don't want you waiting
For something to happen

I am sorry.
I have tried
But I am not gonna force love
Don't wait
Find happiness and not suffering
Waiting for me.

Words left unspoken
Memories blown away
Because we didn't last
Your words frozen in time
Your body 6 feet underground
I should have said more
Asked more about you
But you seemed busy with friends
Who cared for you
I faded away
Because our friendship didn't last
But the memories we had
Did last
How we laughed together
And you called me a little gay
On the inside
I should have said hello
Because I never got to say goodbye.

The guilt in my chest.
But I can't go back.
I know.
The future is unhealthy and unstable
But the guilt of disappointing everyone that liked us.
Do I go back?
Fake it all
Act like everything is alright to make everyone happy.
What do I do....

Why do i feel this good.
After all that went down.
I feel.... Good
It is like the eye of the tornado
And everything is silent and calm
I like it
The silence.
The smiles.
I have to stop putting myself down.

You ripped my heart out of my chest.
And I have no clue
How to put it back in.

My hair curly and frizzy in the summer heat
But not a speck of sweat touched my young face.  
You looked at me with a sweaty smile as we walked through the heat.  
My frizzy hair blowing in the wind
I wonder what I look like through your eyes.  

Do I look beautiful?  Even in the heat?
You say you will love me no matter what.  
Even when old age hits us both?
And we won't look flawless anymore?
Even when my curves will turn into wrinkles?

But still.  I will have my frizzy hair
And a love for you
That never started with how you looked.

I took one step forward
And two step back
I feel insane
And in over my head
I can't tell you how I feel
Cause I am lost as well
What is going on
Can I move on from this hell.

I will hide them deep.
The emotions and pain
Of hurting everyone around me
I am better then this
So I will hide what i will say.
Hide it deep
And hide well
Just so no one figures out
How I truly feel.

Hidden away
In dark places
Lie secrets
Forever mistakes
So hide away
Don't talk to others
It is better that way
Cause others cause drama

Keep your secrets
Keep them away.
Don't let the others know
How you feel in anyway.

Pain
That is all I can feel
I want to eat
But how can I when my mind tells me not too
That that food will make me fat.
So I look at it
Say I deserve the pain
I talk to people
But I keep thinking they are lying
That they are just trying to make me feel better

Pain
and I know it can **** me
I know the effects
I know what I am doing
And my brain says
That this will make me happy

Pain
and that is all there is
I want to stop it.
But who said I didn't deserve it.

I hate
Your lies
You spit at me, like venom, into my eyes
Blinding me from everything
And who I should be
You blind me and bond me with your words
That sure did win me

I hate
That you let me crumple at your feet
And used me as a stepping stool
Til I gave defeat

I hate
Your eyes that burned into me
Making all my words that slipped
Come with a twist
That hurt me

I hate
Your mouth that whispered words
That made my mind foggy
So everything I did
Was for the words you whispered into my pure ears

I hate
Your hands that touched my small shoulders
And picked me up to touch the clouds
But slammed me into the ground
And hit my face when no one was around

I hate
Your smile that fooled others
But fooled me as well

So here I am on the ground
Battered and beat
And my body slumped in defeat
Then the words set in of all you said to me
And I finally get it all now
Now that the blindness has disappeared
I HATE YOU!!!

I love you was written on your lips
And when you said it
I fell deep for you
Every kiss in between words
And random things said when least expected
Pictures taken and all the laughs
But, "I love you" stole my heart
It left me gasping for air
As I said it back
I love you and I promise you.  
I will keep you until the last breath has escaped me and long after that.

Breathing underwater is impossible to do.  
Moving a mountain is impossible to do with bare hands
Running for days is impossible to do.
But I would do it all for you.  
Even if it didn't let me keep you.

In my eyes
The light seems so much brighter
And colors
So much deeper
Your beauty
So much bigger
In my eyes
I can not deny
That you
Honey
In this light
Are so much more pretty
Than any sunset
Any night.