Bleached hair
and lined eyes
Looking through
a veil of lies
Red lips
vampire smile
She's going out
she'll do it in style
***** filled kisses
liquor on her breath
Hiding the fact
that she's a mess
Cigarette clouds
float up into the sky
She's feeling down
and she doesn't know why

*The Suicide Diaries

I've caught myself low again
In a pretty place
Where my troubles can't find me
I guess it goes to show
Distance can't fight sadness
When it sits in your soul

*Maybe tomorrow it'll be better

Inked lines on my wrist
To map out my death
You left me like this
You left a mess

Now you're fast asleep
In the sweet silence of
Six foot deep

And I'm still alive
Breathing even and
Playing with knives

And I'm still alive
Looking through
All the blood in my eyes

*The Suicide Diaries

I'm addicted to your pain
The taste of it
The feel of it
The expression on your face when I break you
The way you grit your teeth when you cry
Pretending to be strong
Feeling like less of a man
You're cold for awhile
You build up your walls
Then I break them down
With soft kisses and whispered promises
Drunken confessions about what I did wrong
I force you to love me
Crush you into submission
Until your heart is mine
To play with and shape like clay
And I'm sorry
You just make it so **** easy
And you know how I love to watch things fall apart

. . . "How?" I asked him-
Amazed that he spent nine years in love
With no one to hold for it
How easily I forget
Closing my eyes and trying to feel you
Beside me when you were
So far away

         . . . The sacrifices we make

I finally met someone like me
He's sharp of wit
Charming in attitude
Smooth in conversation
Closed off in emotion
Supportive in nature
Understanding off loss
Non-committal to admissions
He is everything I have ever searched for
Yet because he is such
We can never be
For I am too much like him,
And he is too much like me
So alas I'll watching him pass
Just a drifter such as I
Such a shame it is to find perfection,
Only to watch it pass me by

I'm missing you
Even though we've never met
It's an emptiness
That I can't shake
Something like nostalgia
Yet for the future not the past
I want you more than anything
But I don't even know your name
Please hurry to me
I want to feel your nearness
To wake up beside you
Have me please
Because I crave you
I need you

There is no rest for me
Even at my best there is
No peace for me
There is a beast in me
But she's asleep, you see
I'm just so tired.
So very tired.

I fell down today
The world was spinning
But I was standing still
I caught myself against the cheap siding
Of this familiar house
I stopped breathing for a moment
Then I took my wobbly knees
And my unfocused eyes
Right back inside
To hide from everything
That shifted the ground under my feet

Everything that I loved once has died
The people, the pets, the respect in other's eyes
Everything that I have created since will soon be gone
The people and the places will both have moved on
I am tired of rebuilding and sick with hopeless longing
I will have nothing if I am left only with my belongings
What will it look like when I have to start anew
Will I find the person who knows what I've been through
I fear he will slip through my fingers and fade like the rest
Of everything I have suffered that would be the greatest test
The only reason I am alive is love and the feeling of being needed
However life wants to take both of those and thus-far it has succeeded
Please hope for me

I mourned you
As if you had died
Then I saw you today
With my own eyes

And it sparked joy in me
That you were alive
Remembering a time
When you were by my side

It wasn't easy for me
Seeing your ghost
The very soul
Who I'd loved the most

But there you were
Bag in your hand
Unkept beard on your face
Less of a boy more of a man

So consider these words
A lingering kiss goodbye
Because you've still left me
And I still don't know why

I'm holding back anger today
Boiling with it
It's waiting on my tongue to escape my lips
Ready to sting anyone who comes too close
Too bad a bee sting does more harm to the bee
Than the one who inspired it to act in the first place

She told him once about the flavor of humans.
That he tasted like old leather and empty bottles of whiskey
He told her about ****** knuckles
And how many times she had been on his mind when he got them
She smiled with her teeth showing
Then she walked away from him again
It’s funny all the things that he thought he knew
Like how much sweeter his best friend tasted against her lips
It’s a shame that she never told him
That sugar sometimes makes her sick

How do you prevent something that's already happening?
Death that has already taken a life?
Do you beg?
Do you plead?
No.
You prepare a coffin.
Just like someone's already done for you.
I love you,
And you destroyed me.

*The Suicide Diaries

I'm choking on all the words I can't say,
And blood from my throat
Because all the pride I swallowed was sharp
And it didn't go down easy
The "I told you so" on the tip of my tongue
Will just have to keep holding on

It's like the past comes up to find me again
You and me
Laughing and swearing
Your arms around me
My head on your chest

Now I eat dinner alone
With the lights turned off
And your chair against the wall
Cold food
Tear drops on the table

It tastes like memories
Like your lips after a shot of whiskey
When they kissed my neck
And my eyelids
And my hips

Thank you for the moments
The ones that bring nostalgia
The smell of your t-shirts
The holes in the walls
The smile on my face

Thank You For All The Living

2am and he asks if I want to ****
With no attempt to butter me up

I tell him it all depends on time
It's funny, he doesn't ask to be mine

He tells me he has all the time in the world
I start to wonder if I'm that kind of girl

I tell him not to waste his gas
I guess he thinks I'm a great piece of ***

He baits me with promises of fun
Yet he doesn't try to convince me that he's the one

I tell him that I'm going to bed
He's not getting into my head

He says we'll talk another day
Only if I want it that way

I love it when he asks if I want to **** and smoke
It makes me feel special . . . or like the **** of a joke

Life is heavy
It sits behind my eyes
On my shoulders
In my chest
Sometimes the weight of it
Gets to be too much
And I find myself gasping for breath
But then I go home
Or as close to one as I have
And he smiles at me
Over a smoking bowl
Tells me stories that he didn't know he had
Curls up around me
Listens to me breathe
And in the dark and the silence
Ear pressed against his chest
His heartbeat steady
I can rest
And everything feels that much lighter

Us
With no clothes on
In the daylight
You were holding both my hands
Chest to chest
My legs around you
We made eye contact
As I moaned your name
You leaned in
And kissed my forehead


And it meant nothing to you

I told you once
That I need to be held after ***
Or the anxiety gets me
"Why didn't you tell me?"
And you wrapped me up
And made me feel so small
And you kissed the top of my head

Every time after that

I could curl up under your arm
My back against your side
Your arm curled around me
And I held on for dear life

And it meant nothing to you

It was never once a question
Of whether or not she loved me
. . .  Though I did question it . . .
Of course she loved me
She loved everyone
Misfits, rejects, broken hearts
Why would I be different?
But in the end,
That was the question
Was I different from everyone else?
And if so,
Why?
She never once gave me an answer

I hid myself in your sadness
So I would never have to admit to my own
Now I'm left to suffer alone
But I still feel like I should
Thank you for showing me
What it means to live
Watching something beautiful wilt and die
Because the beauty of every moment
Somehow tastes so much sweeter now

*The Suicide Diaries

I liked it when he pulled my hair
When he growled and sunk his teeth into my neck
An emotionless grudge ****
Without any love or bare skin

I liked it when he told me I was *****
When he laughed in my tired face
And pushed me to the couch
Smothered me with a pillow

I liked it when he owned me
When he turned me black and blue
In the heat of all his passion
And with his bare hands

I liked it when it hurt
When he smiled before he left for the night
Every moment that I loved him
The best moments of my worn out numb life

Its like the blood brings out the sour parts of me
My mind wanders to the forbidden side
Where all the things I left behind seem to hide
I do well in my walk in the light
There's no temptation for my soft side to fight
Then I find blood and things start to change
I think of all the naughty things a few sentences could arrange
In all the things I know I find ways to conjure doubts
That tell me to throw away the thing I can't live without
And that's exactly why when I had the chance I ran away
Away from all the people and all the things they'd say
I'm finally planted firmly with roots deep in the ground
And no one is whispering about my secrets when I'm not around
So why does the blood bring so much poison to my mind
A million naughty thoughts, one of each kind
I'm not a liar. I don't cheat.
But the blood tells me to love every person that I meet.
God gave me a gift and my side of the bargain I will uphold
I'm strong enough to surpass pyrite in my quest for solid gold
This man is my today, my tomorrow, and my best friend
Which is why I will stay strong until the blood trickles to an end

Beauty gives and beauty takes
It leaves destruction in its wake
Beauty breathes the breath of life
But in doing so it takes a life
New beginnings and bitter ends
All that's left is loving friends
Youth is given and easily lost
Fun is great but at what cost?
A child's first cry is a mother's dying breath
At least in the end there's still something left

What do you know about silence?
Silence on the other end of the phone.
No breathing.
No laughing.
No crying.
Silence.
The white noise of fear.

What do you know about helplessness?
Helplessness in your own eyes.
Nothing you can do.
Nothing you can say
Nothing but watching
Helplessness
The catylyst of fear

What do you know about loss?
Loss of you mind, your friend.
It's too late he's gone
It's too late he's forgotten
It's too late you're crying
The post-mortem of fear

What do you know about me?
Me and my tired eyes.
Numb is my mind
Numb are my fingers
Numb everywhere
The desolation of fear

*The Suicide Diaries

Tell me where to go now
That the essence of you
Is just a distant memory
Like the smell of fresh flowers
*In the dead of winter

Christmas smells like
Peppermint and
Chocolate kisses
But I know that
It will all be
Over soon
And then I will
Be all alone
For the eve
Of Christmas passed

You're royalty
In your own kingdom
Tables lined with spirits
Because you love to drink your dinner

You're rich with emotions
Only emotions I'm afraid
For your treasure is all fools gold
Though it's tried so hard to prove its worth

You're a king covered in lies
Drunk on the life you could've had
Perched on a throne of hard-luck
Holding onto pyrite for dear life

But you are the golden man

. . . I diluted myself for you
I spoke less and moaned more
I softened my spirit
I offered up yeses that once would've been no's
I held my tongue between *******
And wore pretty pink lace where there once would've been the blackest leather
I put fewer cigarettes between my lips
And instead pressed them together
To keep you from remembering
Why you didn't love me before
I put on an apron
To play my part
I served you smiles on dinner plates
And sipped white wine in place of whiskey
I put hearts in a lunch box
To keep you company through the day
Then mourned who I once was
While you were away

. . . I thought that if I was softer
More feminine
More pure
That you would be kinder
That I would fit better in your arms
That if I didn't talk back
My lips would taste sweeter
That you would listen when I spoke
I thought that if I became weak
We could be strong
That if slaughtered my Independence
And laid it to rest at your feet
That you would want to stroke my hair like you once had
When I stopped standing my ground
In the kitchen where I performed
And let the peanut gallery at the table
Critique my every adjective
Only to curtsey before their taunts
That when doors closed
You would whisper that I had done well
That your heart had space for me again
I thought that maybe if I hid it when I bled
You would leave the whiskey alone and finally come to bed

. . . But instead
I committed a ******
I killed the woman that I loved
I took a spirit and trapped it in a box made of yes dears and I'm sorries
By replacing her combat boots with pointe shoes
And her pride with warm baked cookies
I slit her throat with a knife made of compromises
Chained her ankles to the kitchen table and forced her to dance before lesser beings
I made an arrangement of the wild roses that made up her lips
And left her unprotected without any thorns
Then cut out her tongue and made her watch
in stunned silence
when you trampled through the garden with clumsy careless feet
I murdered the woman that I used to be
Sacrificed everything just to find that you never loved me . . .



. . . But fear not, even the goldfish who lies belly up can swim again . . .

My apologies darlin'
That I made you feel human for a moment
So human that it drove you
To bite
The only hand
That has ever fed you
In any way that mattered at all

I'm sorry for meaning something

Have you ever watched a constant fade and die?
Realized that something you loved was a lie?
I just hope I can erase this from my mind.
I wish that out last goodbye had been the last time.
So that all the good memories didn't lose their shine.
I want life to be a clock that I could turn back in time.
That I could go back to when everything was fine.
When I didn't know the truth and you were beautiful and mine.
The world was ours to shape and design.
Now you're just the liar on the other line.

I am a predator
I look for the weaker man
Then bring him to his knees in front of me
To worship me
To love me
I pick out his weakness
And tell him that they are beautiful
I build him up with words
Soft kisses and tight hugs
Make him feel
More than he ever has
Then I break him down
Find flaws in him where I once found joy
I take back my kisses
All of my love
My presence
Then I leave him
And wonder why I am alone

Do you miss me tonight, darling?
While I'm a thousand miles away drenched in sweat
The taste of him still lingers on my lips
The bruises you left covered by his own
The insides of my thighs and the side of my neck
Black and blue from the love he stole from you
*I bet you can't wait to taste him on me

I wish I knew how to play the guitar
Maybe then I could hear the song
That I strum on your shoulder blades
Every night
To coax you to sleep

I am a musician-
Thank you for being my instrument

The metaphor is:

Staring blankly at a green light as a horn blares behind you

I've lost my bottled happiness
And here I am stooping low
         then lower again
I was happy once

. . . Forget not
That I am a ship
But you are not the ocean . . .

I won't be the one who got away
Because you never had me in the first place
I'm just a ghost
Waiting to be a memory
That'll put a smile on your face
Because I'm so far away
And you'll never taste me again

I like the way you feel
And how we laugh
But sometimes it's hard
To let go of the past
I want to never think
Of the time in between
When I was yelling
And he was mean
When his lips were familiar
Just like his sly grin
I love you, honey
But I still want him

I'm basking in sadness
Like lovers do after heated love-making
It coats my skin and leaves me aching for more
Another taste of the pleasure of agony
The only difference is I'm alone
There's no one there tangled up in the mess of me
And in the throes of my passion
There was no one to witness the arch of my back
Or my teeth digging into the softness of the pillow
The bruises it left aren't hand-shaped,
And they lie underneath my skin instead of coloring it
Sweet agony is a lonely existence
Yet one that I invite into the emptiness of my bed as often as I can

I am a rabbit
And every man in the world
Is a fox
An eagle
A weasle
A dog
A man
I may kick, bite, claw, scream
I may be the biggest rabbit
The strongest rabbit
The rabbit with the most fight
But I am a rabbit
And because I was born as such
The odds are not in my favor

Sometimes it isn't the reality of death that shakes us, but simply the loss of beautiful life.

How many times
Have I dressed up I'm sorry
Passed blame onto different parts of myself
Pieces of who I am
Juggling reasons
Motivations behind my mistakes
How many frightened goodbye's
Please don't leave me's
I'll always love you's
Have graced your tired ears
Remember when I broke you
Once
Twice
Then again
It used to taste so sweet
That first mending kiss
The one that sewed us back together
Our present, our future
Now there's a tear
That can
But won't be mended
So once again
I'm sorry
Not for the usual things
The ones I can fix
But for the things that I can't
Like you
And like me
The spaces in between