Love was beautiful
until hateful words came

There was nothing she could do
the child covered her ears and closed her eyes

and watched her world
crumble around her

Love faded between them
sides were taken
and she was torn in the middle like a seam

The concept of divorce was foreign
Like a situation found only in movies

And once it happened
the happily ever afters
never came true

If only childhood innocence lessened the pain
but she understood and that hurt worse

And what was worse
was that a family of four
was a family no more

and your music was the sweetest
to my ears and to my heart

but your soul was the darkest
when people drift apart

minds spiralling down to madness
like an eternal roundabout

and maybe in the end
that's who we really are

people with minds unbound
spoken in the language of
music over black and white notes

And so I grew cold
And ran away
And ignored
You

And I closed my eyes
And shut my heart
And rejected
Me

When I was a child

I spent my days with you
Smiling
Laughing
Running
Free

When I was an adolescent

I spent my weekends with you
Smiling
Laughing
Walking
Taking my time

When I was a teenager

I spent my time
Alone
Wondering
Waiting
For you to come back

When I was a young adult

I fell in love with someone not you
Smiling
Aching
Longing
For love

When I was an adult

I spent a day with you
Smiling
Laughing
Walking
Living the moment

We had grown older
But we didn't grow up

And now we've reunited
And I hope to spend
Many happy days with you

1.
I saw you again today
your hair's grown out

I wonder how you're doing
although I'm the one who never asks

I don't know how we connect
But I always know where you are

And with that
I run away

2.
You sat beside today
And I tried to hide my smile

Although I know there was pain
You tried to hide in your eyes

We finally talked today
after months of silence

And despite the distance between us
It was as though it was never there

3.
I left early again
And you hid behind round glasses

We pretended not to see each other
despite the fact...

That all I wanted to do
was look at you and smile

That’s the thing

I can’t love anymore

Because I was led to believe that I was loved

Only to discover that it was all an act

He was only lonely

And I was led to believe that I had found someone who would treat me better than my parents treated each other

I can’t have you

Because I’ll go in the relationship

Just waiting for the inevitable to happen

The moment you look me in the eye and say you never loved me

And I walk on this earth
With footsteps light
Like butterfly legs

And I love you
With passion that soars
Like butterfly wings

And I bid you farewell
With my lips on your cheek
Like butterfly kisses

But then again

I initiate conversation
But you never reply

And every ring of the phone
I have expected someone else

But even if I knew it's not you
I can't stop this feeling of disappointment

We've finally met
After not seeing each other for so long

And yet here I am
Pushing you away

From my heart, my mind
Hoping not fall in love

Helpless that I will have to fight
Against feelings I don't want to have

If the world is round

Why would there need to be an East and  a West?

Why would there need to be borders and lines?

Why would there be a need for a divide?

'together'

Is it a word created for

'separation'

Is it a word created for

'forever'

There would be no such thing as

Why are there notions like these

Why would there be a need for these

If things were different

Would now be different

Not better

Not worse

Just different

In this world
I have no control over

Everything is in chaos
With my future unsure

And I've done all I can
To find something worth doing

But to no avail
I found nothing

And in the end
I turn to Him

When He should have been the one I turned to
In the first place

I sit here by my bedroom wall
my back on stone, cold concrete

I stare at a future as bleak as the white wallpaper
peeling off the edge

Why is my worth
based off of a single sentence
the only referral to what I can or cannot do

I have plenty to offer
beyond the lines of A4 paper

And yet society scan these things
with cold eyes and cold minds
drawing a line to what I can or cannot do

And in the end,
I conform to those lines
tucking away the other sides of me

Feeling as though I have nothing to offer
for I do not fit within the boundaries
of those lines

Hop on a plane
Leave the past
For the skies above

Would I keep sane
Would unfortunes last
In war and peace and love

Watch out for rain
In accurate forecast
The world comes in halves

It waxes and wanes
The moon in skies vast
The light I cannot have

I don't deserve what I have

1. I don't deserve to be alive
    So can I trade my life for
    Someone more valuable than me


2. I don't deserve to be loved
    So please give your heart to
    Someone who can love you more


3. I don't deserve happiness
    So direct your smile to
    Someone who will smile back at you


4. I don't deserve me
    So to myself
    Find someone else to be

And of course
I'm met with disappointment
once again

It's funny how this is becoming
A common appearance
In my life

Because you will live forever.

You will exist inbetween the pages of a private notebook.

You will sleep under the pillow with the handwritten poems.

You will live as a black art in the form of words.

But your name will never be mentioned.


Your sideways smile is etched in the mind and cannot be erased.

Your stolen, yet steady gaze is burned within the heart.

Your fingers that produces music from the tips are longed to be held.

But you will never be drawn, only written.


Your voice is the most precious music ever heard.

Your spoken words are poetry decorating the air.

Your laughter sends vibrations through the soul.

But you will not be heard, only imagined.


Despite all these,

You are real. You are here. And here you will stay.

Do not make me fall for you. For if I do, you will live forever. Not only in me, but in others as well.

And if this story will ever be done,

I will close the red, leather-bound notebook

and say,

Until Another Time.

Only in dreams
Are people nice
And care about how I feel

Only in dreams
Am I nice to myself
Because negativity stays away

Only in dreams
Can I be with you
Because reality is unrequited

But dreams
Are only dreams
In this nightmare
Of a reality

Skip on forward
Go back one song

Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Live life in mundane drones

And I see our friendship
Go down the drain

The past three years
All swept away in one go

And I felt regret
That I left you this way

But I felt freedom
Freedom from the cage you put yourself into

And you may twitter away
How I had betrayed you

But you left me first
And I never spoke
Until today

Lethargic

As you lie on your back and close your eyes. The gentle breeze caresses your skin. You smell the air, and it is scented with nostalgia from memories past

Each minutes passes by. 60 beats. Heartbeat. Your heart beats in rhythm with each breath you take

Gentle breeze

And I wonder
Whether I am
A good person or
A bad person

I wish no harm in anybody
Yet I have caused harm to them

And I live with the guilt
Of my conscience
Of the sin of a betrayal

And despite the efforts to do good
Am I going to be stuck making mistakes that hurt people

If so..it would be easier
For everyone If
I cease to exist

But that would be running away

I take all these tests
all over the internet

they come back
all the same

they come back

I don't need the tests
I live it

Because they always come back

Whenever I stray from classical music
He brings me Bach

And they ask me,

"Hello, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you. And you?"

The automatic reply out of my lips
Falling out in my stead of teardrops

"Fine, thank you. And you?"

I'm fine. Not great. Not good.
Just..

Thank you.
For your politeness. For the bother enough to ask. For the question, even if you couldn't care less.

And you?
Deflection. Before you can see me. Before I can honestly answer the question. Before I can say,

"I'm not fine. I haven't been fine for so long. Yet I deceive myself into thinking I'm content. And it's been so long that someone actually wanted to know if I'm fine or not, I've forgotten how to express myself. How to open up. How to describe how I feel - it's too hard to describe how I feel, so I just say,

Fine, thank you. And you?"

Hypothetically speaking

What if I never existed?
Mistakes would not be made.

Hypothetically speaking

What if memories of me would disappear?
Sweeter memories would be made

Hypothetically speaking

What if I never walked this road?
There'd be no need for a disappointment such as I

Hypothetically speaking

What if I was never born?
There'd be no need to live a lie

Hypothetically speaking

When I don't exist
let the stars and moon be the only ones
who remember

I was hypothetically here

Sometime in the future, people might ask me, "Why don't you ever write love stories like you did before?"

I can write about love. I can write stories. But to write love stories...I guess I left that with you.

I don't write love stories because maybe I've broken hearts before I've had my heart broken.

I don't write love stories because maybe I've seen the magical illusion of a happy marriage shatter before it could cast its spell on me.

I don't write love stories because maybe I've seen the falling out of love before the falling in love.

I don't write love stories because maybe all it would be is a sadly ever after.

I don't write love stories because maybe all I'd write about is you.

If I had one question to ask you
I would ask

What makes you happy?

And watch your eyes light up,
Your heart flutter,
Your lips grow into a smile,

And I would do everything I can
To make them permanent

I grew up dreaming
That I'd have a happily every after

I grew up seeing
My parents walk away

I grew up dreaming
That I'd be whoever I wanted to be

I grew up trying
To fit within the page of an A4 paprt

I grew up dreaming
That I'd fall in love and it would be wonderful

I grew up crying
Over someone who didn't really care

I grew up dreaming
That I'd make a difference

I grew up being
A random nobody

I grew up dreaming

Until

I grew up

There was no need
To stalk her Facebook feed

There was no need
To check his Instagram

There was no need
To search for a relationship status

I just know
I always know
And I'm always right

That you would never be mine