it's been a while :)
I'm here to announce the publication of my poetry collection, "no strings attached"
available for purchase on amazon
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I roll my lashes between my fingers
instead of blowing them away
I have no wishes left to whisper
on eyelashes, or dandelions
or angel numbers on the clock
I cant avoid them reminding me of you
When we look at the same sunset
When we see the time at the same moment
Will we think of each other?
will you wish for me?
I have no wishes left to give
What I wanted most, I wished away
instead of the lashes between my fingers

Every lull of life,
I find myself alone
in the quiet moments
When rain patters on the window,
streaming down the patterned glass
pounding on the roof above
Im now so very small
The in-betweens of nothingness
there’s no one else but me
I learn to be my own best friend,
lonely in good company
Myself was once my enemy
but how hurtful that became
I used to loath the quiet moments,
when my thoughts had space to speak
Now I learn to listen
I might have something good to say to me

Memories I’ve rejected
Leave holes nothing else could fill
Laughter echoing
While I shut myself away
Preferring to be alone
Little moments slip from my grasp
I used to cling as they fell from my hands
Now I let the water run
I watch the train go by
without chasing
I still feel left behind, I think I always will
But I don’t want to climb a mountain
or jump in a raging river
I don’t want to go numb for the thrill
Yet there’s still a strange numbness
from being alone.
Sinking in the silence,
I can let it consume me
Silence is more comforting lately
than the memories I’ve rejected

I know you hate to see me cry
But I do anyways
I can't seem to stop the tears from rolling out
Will you hold me?

Blue when my life was one color
when the lines were blurred
Blue was the comfort, the sky, and the ocean
Vast and inviting, inspiring
Blue was every possibility on clear days with no clouds
Blue when my dreams were one color

Purple was more unique than I'd ever be
but it swallowed me up for years
Purple for the friends I made and the friends I lost
for the memories and the summer nights
Purple was every season, I thought it would be my forever
Shaped my growing up
Through every twist and turn
Purple was as safe as it was depressing
A childhood wound turned into a toxicity I couldn't abandon

Yellow was who I always hated but always tried to become
And when it came up like the sun
It was golden hour and then it was gone
Yellow was smiles and laughs and a spark back into my life
After the darkness, after the heartache, after the war
Yellow introduced me into a world with a purpose
I had never seen it like this
Crashing just as it began

Green when I can finally see
when I breathe for the very first time
when the walls of ignorance crumble around me
Green when I can escape in my mind
to a forest with evergreens and moss crawling up the trunks
Green when I learned to look myself in my own eyes
when I didn't see a monster anymore
when I could watch the tears settle like fog in a field
Green was the hug I was waiting for
the relief that I can trust my two hands to carry my own life

everyone in my life is temporary
when will i learn to live for myself?

I wanted to be saved
                   I craved
              a connection,
            a love I could trust
Blinded by obsession
      twisted to tension
Was love meant to be lust?

Begging you to stay
             was a chase
             with trip wires
How a match that's burnt out
             can't start fires
fingerprints singed from the tries
does numbness inspire?

Smoke was a haze
that surrounds you
Consumed in the fumes
        It allures you
If you don't look down
                   the ground, betrays you
                      Love was a maze

A rainy day
left me ashes
the wind icy, circling past us
        I was wrong all my life
             On love and on loss
              I never knew loss until I met you
        Losing means nothing without love
    And our love meant nothing without loss

Love is a street lined with oak trees
Branches like hands holding leaves
               Cradling flowers in spring
Love is a street,
       it goes two ways
              Stretches horizon to horizon
                       Travels East to West
                         and sunrise to sunset

is a concept
that I've been trying to constrain
into rigid lines
trying to explain
and define
like trying to collect water with your hands
it falls right through the cracks
or like trying to redirect
a forest fire

I wanted love to be
B L A C K and W H I T E
I wanted to make it make sense
like trying to make concrete
from a substance that would never set

"LOVE" I've dissected the word all my life
turning it over and over in my mind
it was a feeling I could hold, that would never fill my heart
it was a blanket I could fold, that would never wrap me in its warmth

"LOVE"
      the yearning itself
          ate me up
              from the inside out

I wanted someone
I wanted anyone
But when I met you I wanted it to be you

his secrets
are like ocean foam
rising to the surface
and she tries to breathe
as if it's air

her worries
are like the ocean floor
sinking further down
and he wont touch them
however deep he goes

his secrets
are like ocean foam
hushing with the waves
drowning out the noise
that rings in her ears

juvenile analogies
an attempt to make it clearer
my reflection in the water
is why i cant look in the mirror

his secrets
are like ocean foam
bubbles on the shore
and he tries to keep them
white like lies

her worries
are like the ocean floor
pressure gets to her head
he could swim forever
wouldn't make a dent

overwritten concepts
fears i shouldn't say
bury my head in the sand
until it goes away

What are the symptoms of love?
Was it the lifted feeling in my heart when he said my name?
Was it the red flushed in my cheeks when he called me pretty?
Was it the butterflies in my stomach when he talked to me?
Was it the way he would smile and look off to the side,
not his picture smile, it was natural, real
Was it the way he could make me laugh, like nobody else?
Was it the bouquet of roses he bought for my birthday,
he never told me how much he paid for them…
Was it the inside jokes nobody else understood?
Was it the late texts on his computer when he didn’t have his phone?
Was it the long calls, hours, that never felt long enough?
Was it the easy days, when I painted his nails at lunch
or when I helped him with a project so he didn’t fail
Was it the soccer games I went to to watch him play?
What are the symptoms of love?
Was it the dance, or was it prom he never asked me to?
Was it the day he searched everywhere to make sure I was okay?
when he asked me on a date to make it up to me
Was it the way he couldn’t stand to see me cry?
Was it the way he couldn’t stand to see me angry?
“Are you mad at me?” It was always “are you mad at me?”
I was never mad. Disappointed, hurt, anxious, scared. But never mad.
Tell me, what are the symptoms of love?
Was it the lies he told to keep me happy?
Was it me being naive, him being immature?
Was it me asking too many questions, him never knowing the answers?
Was it the song I wrote for him that he never got to hear?
Was it the song he wrote for me, that he denied, deleted
as if it never existed, as if he never said those words
But I never forgot, I still remember, I wish he did too
Did I ever even matter?
How did he move on so quickly?
Even now, I still have questions.
Even now, he still doesn’t have the answers.
So I’ve learned to stop asking.
But really, what are the symptoms of love?
Was it the fragility at the beginning?
Was it the tension at the end?
Was it him doing everything not to hurt me,
but hurting me anyways?
Was it the fear of losing the only one we ever wanted to stay,
and losing each other anyways?

Lines on the corners of my mouth
From how much you made me smile today
Will they fade?

Lines at the edges of my lips
Will you kiss them one day?
Or will they fade?

Lines on the corners of my mouth
I trace my fingers over them in the mirror
I want them to stay

Lines at the edges of my lips
Lines like valleys, my tears like the rain
I want you to stay

Lines on the corners of my mouth
From how much we laughed today
I have you, you're right here
And you have me, I'm yours

But the lines at the edges of my lips
They fade, like you always do
And I'll wait, like I always do

My eyes wait for the morning
To see you
So I can smile, so I can laugh

But my heart waits for the impossible
For you to love me
For you to miss me
For you to miss the lines on the corners of your mouth
Like I miss mine

My wolf
You bit me
Under a full moon
And I didn't turn
I stayed human
Scars in my arms
Blood dripping from my wrists
I fell to the forest floor
And cried

I hear the beating of my heart
Like the beating of a drum
And the pounding in my head
Like the pounding of my steps
Mundane rhythms in my body
Reminding me I’m alive, still breathing
I hear the ringing in my ears
Like a song going static on the radio
I hear the beating of a heart
Like the beating of a drum
It’s the first sound that greets me in the morning
It’s the last sound that lulls me to sleep at night
The beating of my heart like the beating of a drum
Reminding me I’m alive, still breathing
One day I wish to forget
One day I wish my body could go still
One day I wish my mind could go quiet
But for now I pound my head so it synchs up with my footsteps
And I beat my drum, along to the beating of my heart
Body’s grown numb to the rhythm
Until the moment my hands go cold
And the drumming slows down
And I never again have to hear that awful sound of the beating of my heart
Like the beating of a drum

On my good days I pride myself in being good
A good writer
A good singer
A good dancer
A good pianist
A good painter
A good baker

On my good days I like to think I'm a good person
A good citizen
A good neighbor
A good student
A good classmate
A good teacher
A good daughter
A good sister
A good friend
On my good days I'm good enough, aren't I?

But on my bad days, I strip myself away from good things
Without my hobbies
Without my grades
Without my family
Without my friends
What is there left to be good at?
Without validation
Without reassurance
Without comfort
What am I good for?
I'm left alone with myself

On my good days I'm a good person
I'm thoughtful
I'm kind
I'm intelligent
I'm helpful
But I'll never be happy with that
Until I'm good for something bigger
Until I'm good enough to live with myself

is it fair
for me to reach
for something i'll never be able touch

you.
i'm talking about you

i want the storm to dissolve me
i want to melt into a puddle on the broken concrete
i want ripples to fall on my surface
i want to tremble when cars drive by
people to step in me without a care
children to splash
and dogs to drink
i want to be a puddle on a winter afternoon
i want the raindrops to expand me
until i trickle down the sidewalk
through that cracks in the pavement
and down the curb
i want to fall onto the street
and let the wind push me far, far away

air bubbles float with ocean foam
each time my breath escapes

my lungs deflate
my vision shakes

body sinking
suffocating

i try to survive off of air bubbles
because it's all i have left

Marks on my skin hold your bruises that ache when I stroke them, they ache of your hands which once touched me, your lips which once kissed me, the feeling I still remember yet have tried to forget. Your words and now empty promises echo in my mind, empty now but ever so full that night.

a river

narrow
winding
i watch you turn

you look like you'd hurt me
but how can i be sure
you could be what saves me

voices warn me to step away
so i don't get swept in your tide
they try to push me
but you pull me closer

i chase after you
to understand you
but you're a maze

narrow
winding
i watch you turn and turn again

shallow
but you'd drown me if i let you


heavens, do i want to drown?

there is no rest for the broken
no sleep for the dead
where do i fall in between?

Scarlet roses
Adorn the plainness of my grave
To hide my bed below
Where I sleep at last

Scarlet roses
Turn to black
Dying, just as I have

sadness comes and goes in waves
but the ache never fades away
a tug between the heart and mind

oh, my heart breaks, and breaks again
the hurt buries itself within, far after it's healed
but graves don't hide what's beneath

yes, the feelings come and go
but my words here last forever

Love stumbled into a garden, one sunny spring morning
Light trickled through the branches
Shadows danced along the grass
Birds sang from up above
There were flowers everywhere
Cold wind touched her spine in shivers

"Tend to the garden, love, it needs you"
So she watered the rows of plants, she nurtured the seeds
She watched them bloom, she never looked away

"Tend to each one, love, they need you"
So she knelt on the dirt and spoke to every flower
Caressing their petals, cradling their leaves

Then Summer came

"Never leave their side, love, they need you"
So she never slept, never dreamt
Never ate, never turned away

"Protect the garden, love, it needs you"
So she sheltered it from the storm
Coddled it away from the summer heat

Autumn came

"Careful, love, they're dying"
She felt a panic in her chest, but didn't let it show
She gave them more water, she gave them more care

"Save them, love, they're dying"
Determined, she did everything she could
Paced the garden, wondering what had gone wrong

Winter came

"Heal them, love, look what you've done"
So she watered them more, she cleared up the snow
She brushed away the frost biting at the flowers

"You hurt them, love, look what you've done"
Wilted, here they were
The garden gray, shriveled, lifeless

"I don't understand" Love whispered
Tears fell from her cheeks
The shadow replied,
"You killed the garden, the very one I trusted you to tend"
"But I cared for them, like you told me to" Love shook her head
"Did you?"
"Yes, of course, I sacrificed everything for them"
"Love is not sacrifice"
"Then what is it?"
"Love is letting go."

To love someone is to give them your all, I think. But most everyone doesn't see it like that, their love isn't real love.
How can you give someone else every piece of you without chipping yourself away?
How can you place boundaries in something as limitless as love?
How can you hold yourself back when you have so much more to give?
My love is real love. It is pure and it is everything to me but means nothing to anyone else.
My love is unhealthy, they tell me.
Too much, not enough.
I take it too far, they tell me.
Too big a heart, not small enough.
They tell me to love myself first before I give my love to someone else because it is special and deserves to be taken care of.
But a love so special, so all-consuming, deserves to go to the person who means the most to me, why would I waste it on myself?
I tear myself apart to rebuild the ones I love, and they would never do the same for me. Because their love is not real love.

Chasing silly fantasies,
Fallacies,
Impossibilities,
Left throbbing bruises on my feet,
Scrapes on my knees,
Blood in my teeth.

Chasing rotten stupid lies,
Starry skies,
Moonlit eyes,
Left stinging scratches in my thighs,
Pain in my side,
Aches in my mind.

Chasing love, chasing you-
The attitude,
The untied shoes,
Left nothing for me but the yearning for you.

Fallen petals are the bruises
from your lips and your fingers
that i used to trace my hands over
with a soft touch and a smile

Fallen petals are your words
that i can never forget
promises that meant everything then
but nothing now

Fallen petals are the lies
I couldn't see until the end
when it was far too late
to tell you no

Fallen petals are the aches
in my chest, my heart, my mind
the tears that won't stop falling
the embarrassment, the shame

Fallen petals are the innocence
you stole from me that night
a treasure i trusted you with
that i can never regain

Fallen petals are the memories
tainted by your power
disrupted by your voice
tangled with your cruelty

Fallen petals are the feelings
for that's all you've left me with
sick, crippling feelings
you've ruined me

Fallen petals are who I used to be
the girl i miss
before i was used
and before i was tossed aside like garbage

Broken times let my doves fly
They carry sighs and lullabies
Sing of late nights and butterflies
Your blue eyes stare into mine

Broken days let my demons stay
They haunt with haze and long faces
Cry of pain and yesterdays
Your shadow fades and falls away

Broken weeks let my doves speak
With broken wings and no songs to sing
They fell at my feet and cried for me
Regret screams and my heart bleeds

Broken years kept my demons here
With crimson tears and ringing in my ears
They're vivid, clear, trapped in a mirror
Crippling fear suffocating my dear

Life has a cruel way about it.

The moment I get a breath of fresh air,
My lungs are ripped out all over again.

Blue clouds and blue skies
Blue rain and blue eyes
I never pictured you like this
Bright as day but cold as night
The brightest smile when I met your eyes
Those blue, blue, blue. Blue eyes

And in the light I saw your wishing well I never thought I'd be the one who fell.
6 feet deep I lost my breath and I went blind, I began to drown as your face flashed in my mind.
I wish I wish I wish I couldn't see you from above, I wish I wish I wish I never fell in love.

Every day my feelings grew
My heart skipped and I thought yours did too
I never pictured you like this
I tossed you all the coins I'd saved
I watched each one until they sank
Then I leaned over to see if I could reach them.

And in the light I saw your wishing well I never thought I'd be the one who fell.
6 feet deep I lost my breath and I went blind, I began to drown as your face flashed in my mind.
I wish I wish I wish I couldn't see you from above, oh I wish I wish I wish I never fell in love.

Wishing dreaming blue eyes gleaming, I thought I could save you
Falling sinking shame rethinking broken hope and crumbled fantasies
I should have saved myself

But I fell into your wishing well.
6 feet deep I lost my breath and I went blind, I began to drown as your face flashed in my mind.
I wish I wish I wish I couldn't see you from above, I wish I wish I wish I never fell in love.
Oh, I fell into your wishing well.

Cruelty echoes in my mind, cruelty that is my own burden to bear. I feel it ripple through my body, up and down and up again. My chest aches as it strokes my beating heart, my shoulders shake as it brushes gently against my bones. I hear the same thoughts I've recited a million times, thoughts telling me the truth I wish I could run from. But it envelops me entirely, like a sea surrounding my sinking body. What word is there that can even begin to interpret this feeling? Lost, uncertain, afraid, helpless, hopeless, alone. For it is all of these things, and more. Broken, ashamed, anxious, spiteful, empty. So so empty. Is anybody here? I see shadows but I can't tell if it's all in my head. I dare not waste my strength and swim to them, afraid of drowning if I do. What if there's no one there to save me? Even worse, what if they are there and choose not to save me at all? Each time I try to swim to a figure in the distance, I become no closer to them than I was before. Are they swimming away? Or am I simply delusional? I'd rather close my eyes and drift to sleep, at least that way I wouldn't have to disappoint myself again and again and again. Is this what it feels like to be weak? If so I never want to try again. Is this what it feels like to be abandoned? If so, I never want to trust or love again. Is this what it feels like to lose hope? I never want to hope again. It's all too exhausting and I wish I could just be okay. But even that seems too much to even dream of.

An evening full of bliss
Dreams and infatuation blooming
Laughter and confidence radiating
Such an evening only results in a morning full of sorrow
As you mourn the loss of feeling alive
A feeling which only sparks but once every season

I've been avoiding you for some time now
Not wanting to confront the twisted emotions tangled in my head
Not wanting my gaze to meet the confliction tugging at my heart
My body is a storm right now
And all I wished for was some peace
But shutting myself behind locked doors, waiting for the thunder to die down, hasn't seemed to help
I still hear the rain pounding on my windows
I still shiver as wind slips through the crack of my door
I still shake as my shelter sways uneasily
I guess I'm afraid to drown
If that makes sense
Waves are cascading from the sky
With a force that would surely knock me to the ground
I would be breathless and helpless
Alone and weak
The storm would drown out my cries
And the storm would eventually drown
me

A new love, could it be?
A chance to start again
We have not spoken, really
And you know nothing of me
Yet you say those words
“I’d love to get to know you”
Those awful words
Awful as they sparked a hope in my heart
A hope that only grows over time
Despite your late messages
And our dry conversations
And the fact that you are much better than me
I still cling the idea
That you and I could become something lovely
Do you think so too?
Is this the one chance I have?
It feels more real that the last time
But every moment is crushing me

Here I sit upon this cream white carpet
Salt streams down my face like a river, gently trickling over my freckled cheeks
Copper drips from my arm onto my hands, falling into the cracks of my palms
My eyes are burning but my skin is cold
My mind is racing but my heart is still
My posture weakens but I don’t let my head fall
Instead my gaze flickers to the ground
The floor a jarring hue
That lovely white carpet now streaked with crimson
What a mess I’ve made...

My life has been a downward spiral
The path is full of disdain and misery
The motion makes me sick
The darkness makes me sicker
And I’m afraid I’m on my way to my own destruction

Today I sifted through hundreds of poems
Reading each one, letting the words seep into my heart
I breathed in the broken lines of broken souls

I long to tell these weary poets that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't much further
That despite their exhaustion, there is still hope
That the pain is all worth it in the end

So, dear poet, who has happened upon this,
I wish for you to feel peace, or at least I wish for you to feel something
I wish for you to keep fighting
I wish to tell you all of the secrets to finding love

But now I hesitate
Who am I to tell you to be strong
When I am simply quite the opposite
Who am I to tell you to keep walking
When I fell to my knees long ago
Who am I to tell you to leave your pain behind
When I am wallowing in grief
And guilt
And disdain for my own self

Dear poet, I may not know the secrets
Or life's purpose
Or the beauty you bring to the world
But I do understand
And even if I may not know you, or your story, I hold love for you

This love is pure and true and I reserve it in my heart for the day you may need it most
Which is perhaps today
For today
I sifted through hundreds of poems
For an hour or so
I scrolled through your words
And I felt nearly every one

I’ve been watching the waves for a while
Their rising, as the foam inches its way up the shore
And their falling, as the current seems to pull me in

The blue of the sea is enchanting
Its gentle whispers are inviting
The chill of the water prickles my skin
But I don’t mind it
The smooth sand washes over my feet with every footstep I take
The waves draw me further and further until my mouth is under water

I close my eyes and hold my breath
And I notice the silence now echoing around me
All I’m left with is my own thoughts, swirling in my head
Which is rather unnerving
In a comforting sort of way
I listen as my mind spills its heavy words
I hear voices I had never dared to acknowledge
I’m reminded of truths I was never willing to accept

I open my eyes to notice the light above me diminishing
I see blurred outlines of my friends and family
I strain to hear the muffles of their words
Are they peering down at me?
Do they notice my limp body sinking?
Will they dive in to save me?

I will not swim back up, I cannot
Despite my love for them, despite all the wonders of the world, I have no more strength to muster
I’ve sunk too far for them to rescue me
But I don’t mind

I don’t want to return to the chaos
I like it down here
It’s quiet, serene
As if time is standing still, no worries in sight
The eerie silence of the ocean as it swallows me whole

I feel a burning in my chest and my mouth bursts open
I inhale deeply and am met with salt as it fills my lungs
I do not sputter, nor do I cough
For it’s almost as if I’m breathing for the very first time

I let my eyes flutter to a close
And perhaps I am nearing death
But my lips curl into a smile as I feel something similar to peace swelling inside my heart
My heart which has been void of life for far too long

It hurts to remember
That I am alone
My hand reaches to feel your touch
But I’m met with nothing
Emptiness replaced you
Despite you never being here
Your eyes remind me you’re not mine
Nor will you ever be

Your heart may be hidden
But I hope one day I’ll find it
Your mind may be muffled
But I believe one day I’ll clear it
Your soul may be lost
But I dream one day
You and I
Can search for ours together
For I am lost too
I wish to find myself

And maybe
Just maybe
I wish our souls could intertwine
If only you could learn
To love me
As much as I love you

So much to say
Yet I can’t find the words

Or the will

Emotions are rather complicated, I suppose
What is this irksome tickle in my heart?
It is not sadness, nor is it anger, or even grief
Not quite guilt or confliction
Perhaps a sort of blend of the two
It feels rather uncomfortable, like an itching inside
That is barely out of reach
Like a blur in the corner of my vision
But no matter how much I turn my head, I still can't see it clearly
This feeling seems to twist my stomach
And press on my heart
And pound in my mind
A constant pressure that can't be placed
I wonder if this puzzling emotion
Is something similar to emptiness
A hollowness that is unfamiliar
Sinking in a sea of scattered thoughts
Far too deep to retrieve now
And now
All I am left with
Is a perplexing feeling swirling everywhere inside me
A sort of apathy
That can't be named