I cough
Dry heaves come about
I keep trying to cough it out
But it's empty

People ask me to stop
I try to hold it in
Then i choke on myself

I intake fluids
To heal my burning
I cough it back up

My throat is dry
She will not be soothed
Any medication
Will be thrown up

Good luck
Trying to drown out
The nuance
That my pain can cause

I'm C
          R
       U
         M
      B
           L
     I
       N
   G G G G
   O O O O
   N N N N
   E  E E E
     E
        E
      E m p t y

Pound
Pound
My heart beats
But it's not bad

Churn churn
My stomach twirls
But it's kinda nice

Dizzy dizzy
My head feels
But it's kinda fun

i feel nervous
Forget how to function
It's been forever since
I wrote a verse

A verse of twinkling
A song of curiosity
A fluff of fuzzy feelings
Ive got this funny feeling

You see
You're adorable
But i don't even know you
I want to try
But I'm so shy

I don't flirt
I run and hide
I think you're cute
How do i make this work

I gotta crush
It's almost nauseating
You got me flustered
But I enjoy this rush

So tell me, ***
How do I
Get more out of you
Then a look and
Run

I want to dance
Dance with wolves
Under the stars
Swirling around
Brim stones burning

I hear the howling
I fear the growling
The Sparks around
Crumble beneath the ground

Up here I dissapear
There's too many
I'm a lone wolf
Always dancing alone
I've emptied my own pond

It was never deep enough
Too shallow to share
Everyone became bare
Found an ocean
Swam into it
Paddled away happily

I want to dance with wolves
Around the warmth of the moon
Warming trust
Becoming stronger
My pain lingers
Only gaps in my fingers

This heart inside me
It's cold and empty
It's so common to say
Be that it may
But..
Doesn't mean it hurts any less
Who must I impress
How much can I press
That I'm scared
I'm so alone
I just want to know
I want to be shown
Love and comfort
But I've lost

So much of me
It's too late
I lost any chance
Of dancing
With others
Happily

Help me
Please God
Someone save me
It hurts so much
I can not hide it with silly metaphors
Break the code
Break the show
I'm broken
I'm hurting
I'm unable to love
Unable to believe in up above

Please God let my soul rest
I cannot stress
How much
Everything ******* hurts

   My dreams are dark
I'm tired of "wolves"
Of pretending
I just want
The final ending

Please

The weather's warming up
Spring is here
Then soon summer
Everyone's out
And about
Happy smiles glowing everywhere

I don't dare
Try to smile
Summer is vile
Spring brings the pain

It is nothing but a stain
Of my suffering
The loss I've felt
The assault I've dealt
With

It's not a myth
It's torture
I can't keep going
I wish it was snowing

My heart is in shreds
My body is bleeding lead
I miss her
I feel him
I'm broken within

I can't keep doing this
Crazy mind games
Please let me go
Summer has such a hold

Like shackles ripping my flesh open
Slowly and red
Rashes and dread
I cannot escape
The sweat
And blood
Of everyone's beloved
Summer

Dear father
I love you
I say it everyday
It must be true

I've been hurting for years
Finding love in people
Who only wanted to use me

I've been blaming myself
I've been blaming everyone else
Never admitting the truth

I don't hate anyone
I promised myself i wouldn't become
Someone who could

My memories haunt me
Every day you taunted me
And disregarded my feelings

I sat in a corner
I was only a child
Your eyes were wild

Wild with anger
I always felt in danger
Never for a moment at ease

Yet i wonder where i get anxiety
You only did as you pleased
You claim you love me

I tremble around men
I tremble around loud noises
I never knew what joy was

I heard you yelling
And all the evil things you were telling
To my mother everynight

You ****** wished i didn't exist
I took too much food from the shopping list
I was only but a burden in your way

Yet you cry for us to stay
I was your precious little girl
Once told me i was your whole world

Then you snapped
You never came back
You broke me apart

Tore apart my whole heart
I still can't admit it
The person i hate the most is

Because i don't hate
I won't be like you
Clouding yourself in anger

Every broken memory i have
Is me crying while you laugh
You never did encourage me

If you did i can't remember
God i feel like a traitor
For saying how i truly feel

I need to let it out
Yes i dare to pout
You won't shame me anymore

Dear father,
I hate you

I'll clean it later
I say everyday
As months pass

I'll watch it later
I say every night
As years go by

I'll come out next time
I say to people
As I avoid them

I'll get it together soon
I cry at 3am
As I fall asleep

I'll be happy again
I lie to myself
As I long for death

Everyone walks a certain way
I akways decide to skip instead
A hop and skip is more fun
Until everyone starts to run

They run faster
Leaving me in the dust
I slow down
And begin to rust

I've always been different
Never realized just how much
I want to fit in somewhere
But I'm afraid to be bare

Show everyone my skin
Show everyone the colors
But colors are also made with scars
Scars came from to many wars

Battling myself
Everyone made fun
I was always a sad little freak
Never glamorous or Chique

Sweet sleep
Sweet dreams
Nothing is as dark as it seems

Blurry eyes
Letting go
Waking up from the nightly flow

Sweet rest
Sweet sorrow
It'll be different by tomorrow

Queasy stomach
Crackled lips
Getting ready for more quips

Sweet love
Sweet comfort
In real life it seems only a desert

The day is scary
Shackle on armor
and head out still startled

Sweet night
Sweet warmth
Maybe my dreams will find my worth

Soft morning dew
Chilly air and blankets
Fruity cereal and tv
Comfort my soul

Warm enough for sun
Cold enough for wind
I settle in my grin
The calming nature inside
I can't help but abide

Bring me flowers
Bring me joy
I feel yellow
I feel buzzing

The grass is green
The lawn is mowed
I watch my tv
And feel my soul

I started out with dreams
Ideas and hopes
Though still lost in the streams
I dreamt of rising up the *****

I had held onto the smallest moments
The littlest joys made my heart sing
But deep down i was afraid this joy was only for rent
And soon the small joys felt like nothing

Because my eyes were opened
To see the truth that my hopes are dead
Now im not afraid to write everything in pen
Ive given up on temporary or dread

No longer running around
No longer dreaming of romance
Theres only sadness to be found
Im an empty husk without a chance

I wish I could feel
Something besides
The tearing pain
I'm just a gross stain

I watch them laugh
I watch them love
I watch them believe
I watch them weep

I can't feel anything
I think I'm a fake
My heart is gone
I do not belong

My anxiety has been so high
Everything makes my skin crawl
I want it all to be perfect
I scrub and scrub
It never feels enough

I'll never be enough
Noone talks to me anymore
Everyone has left
I'm not needed I guess
I'm meaningless

I let myself go
I can't handle crying anymore
Lost in tears on the bathroom floor
It's the only place I feel safe
Everywhere else is an empty cave

Nothing brings me joy
Nothing makes me smile
I know I'm truly alone
My head keeps splitting
Why am I not quitting

I lost where this poem was going
It's like my life
It's empty and not really flowing
It bothers me deeply
That I'm ending this
Without any meaning

Curled up as a fetus
Tears fall and fall
My skin continues to crawl

I cry until I'm ready to puke
My gums I chew until I bleed
I'm in so much need

I'm crying for help
Except there's no one
I'm crying to die
I don't want this life

My lips are dry
My eyes burn
My body slugs
Hide me under a rug

I'm cold
I'm sick
I'm screaming
I'm a *****

I'm so tired
I cannot sleep
My body falls into the floor
I hide away from the door

Waking up is a chore
I'm deeply dead inside
I'm burning burning in flames
Every **** thing is to blame

My body is ceased of life
The flowers died before they bloomed
My existence was always doomed
Someone take a ******* gun and shoot me

My Brain is blood guts and gore
My feet are anchors tied to the floor
My tongue is ***** stealing the air
I please to God why is life so unfair

Demons demons attacking me
I'm pleading pleading endlessly
Please please help me
I'm so far at a loss you see

After all the trauma
After all the hurt
After all the stabbings and wounds
Please tell me it gets better soon?

My body is empty
Is shivers and shakes
It needs some emotions
Or I'll keep drinking the evil potion

It's all that keeps me warm
It stops the twisting in my skin
I'm tired of the knives sinking in
Please stop letting them win

I've gone on far enough
I think this is my ending
I'm done blabbering on
I wish I could permanently end this
Diseased  song

Head covered in fog
My eyes try to break through
But fogged my mind stays
With mist falling too

Some days my mind rains
It starts as a drizzle
Then thunders into a storm
It feels like forever until it finally fizzles

Sometimes i awake to sunshine
Which may seem lovely at first
But breaks into sweaty blazing chaos
That leaves me  quenching with thirst

In rare occasion my mind is filled with a chilly breeze
Where my heart calms as each leaf falls
My soul is shining with color as i can finally rest
Just before the frigid ice freezes over all my walls

They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

My head is screaming
It's screaming to tear apart
My heart
If I don't let it out
It'll continue to shout
Inside my head
Inside my head
Screaming
Screaming
Not for death?
Then for what
For what

Nobody believes me
Nobody sees me
Nobody hears me
They think I'm ok
I just have too much to say
Too much to say
In a day
They ask
How can I be sick?
You look ok
It makes me sick
They think that way


They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

Nobody sees
*** they don't want to believe
I'm not cutting myself
I'm not drugging myself
I'm not killing myself
So I must be ok

It's simply not that way

I've heard it my entire life
I've been ignored
Told I'm fine
Professionals and
Family
They don't know
How they've
****** me
To screaming
Inside my head
Screaming
It won't stop
Til I let it out

This is my healing
My art
Just like me
It's torn apart
Ignored
Tortured
For truth
Tortured
For attention
Never to mention

How badly
How strongly
I fight
The urge
Every night
To drink myself to death
To try something crazy
To throw myself from the ledge
Maybe a needle would help
Maybe the guilt
Wouldnt be felt
Maybe I can be dealt
with
I try every day
As I tear my skin away
To be okay
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not *******
Okay
I'm insane
I know this
I rationalize this
But it's not
Bliss
It's not easy
Nothing can please me
The screaming
Keeps coming
Until it's quiet

When it's quiet
I'm sad
But I'm quiet
I'm alone
I'm in bed
Stuck to my phone
Empty
Empty

Nobody gets me
....

They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

The screaming comes
I then become
Annoying
Crying
Buying
Lying
Dying
Until
I write
I write
It needs to be let out
I feel I never
let the deepest parts
Out
The right way
The right way
How can I say it
I'm paying for it
The lies I tell
The way I held
Myself up
I'm just a silly
Goofy
Eccentric nuisance
I don't need help
I don't need felt
Listened to
Heard
I can be
Ignored
It's in me
Swirling all around me
Tearing apart my body
I want to scream
I want to run away
I'm always running
Running
I hate running
What am I running to?
Sometimes I think
Death
But I'm terrified
Of nothingness
I want to release
Open my flesh
Cut me
Shoot me
Gun me
Let me misbehave
Let me show you
The cave
I live in
The maniac
I fight
I am not winning
I'm not sinning
I'm only leaning
Closer
Closer
Closer to
Pure insanity
I fight so hard
I get no credit
Because I never let it
Show
Never let it
Show
I never let it
Go
Never can
I let everything
Strand
Me
Hurt me
And I keep it
I hold it
I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I hold on
To everything
But it's wrong
Some things
Are bad
Bad
Bad
I'm going
Mad mad
Mad
From the screaming
But nobody's listening
Maybe I should run
Maybe I should cut
Maybe I should fill my gut
With poison
Give me one reason
Why
Why
If I don't try to die
Die
Die
Nobody listens to me
Cry
Cry
Cry

They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

How can I let go
Let go
How can I show
Show
The pain inside
The reasons I cry
Without hurting myself
Without losing myself
Without
All this hell ?

Can anybody tell
...
Maybe they can
They just...

    Don't care

I have my issues
My anxieties
And selfish behavior

I'm still crying
Still worrying
And afriad

Lately though Ive felt it
A difference
Maybe a spark

I've grown
Become stronger
And more confident

I was empty
No one noticed me
I felt smaller then anyone
Smaller then a bee

I failed every thing
Thats what i felt
Everyone told me
I was worthless

Situations havent changed
No people are still cruel
Here i stand
Still going

Last year i would have left
Took my tears and ran
Broke down at every word

Now i feel a spark
I feel noticed
Becuase
I noticed myself

I told me
Hey I'm so proud
And then i saw

Others saw the spark
Now they see
I exist
And it's shocking

They like me
They talk with me
I work hard
And i don't fall
At
Every
Hurtful
Word

Its not that it doesn't hurt
It's just i now see my own worth

Tip
  Tap
Tip
      Tap

I ponder over the puddle

Splish
   Splash
Splish
    S p l a s h

I fall in and crash
I'm but a little fairie
I sure do feel blue
I look unto you
But know not who

   Drip
       Drop
Drip
    Drop

Tears fall down

Tick
  Tick
Tickicky
    Tock
I feel like a rock
Stuck and glossed over
Am I meant to be here
Or in another lake
Sinking forever

Flip
   Flap
Flip
   Flap
I want to find my wings

Blank
   Blank
     Blank

I feel stuck in a lake
Lost my way
Dripping into the puddle
Til it's deeper
Deeper
   Deeper
Deep
From puddle
To lake
Now a ocean
Of emptiness

I'm a purple fairie
Locked in a bottle
Grasping for air
Sinking in despair

I talk of my obscenities
No one listens
Just watching the show
I apologize
I'm here for you
Nothing I do
Is true
Not anymore
My sparkles
Sank to the bottom

Now I'm dripping
Not of Earth
But of tears alone
My puddle is dry
Except for the tears
I had to cry

One day I'll say goodbye
Before I do
Will I ever find
My beautiful shining wings?
I can't escape my bottle
The pressure is too strong
afraid of all I've done wrong

I've been trapped too long
No one wants my fairie song

La
  La
Lala
  Lala

Fix me
Please
Find me
Oh please
Make me
A real fairie

Fa la la la
Fa la la la
Fala la la
Falala
Falling
Fall
Fell

I'm breathing in hell
Just make it through
This last week
It'll stop being bleak
Just.make.it.through.one.more.day

Fa la la la
Fa la la la
Falala la
Fallala
Falling
Fall
Fell

I can not tell
Where I am anymore
Everyday blends through the door
I'm afraid to open it
I'm too tired to explore it
Lay me to rest
I'm done with my best

Fa la la la la la
Fa la la
La
La
Fallalala
Fa la la ling
Fa
La
La
La
Li
N
G

    Help me
     I'm buried in someone's destiny
       Is it mine?
        I lost track of time
         Who am I?
        Why am I?
              Is this me?
            Or somebody playing hide and seek?


            I'm still falling
Not sure if by choice
      Or
by
some greater
force
    Tying me
down
  Until im nothing but a
mere
f
r
o
  w
    n

My pace is slow
My words are stuttered
My heart is flustered

I lose all my chances
I say everything wrong
I am a broken song

Would you wait for me?
If i smile at you nicely?
Will you hear through me?
If i gaze at you softly?

Why am i so invested?
Others are interested
But i like you
Would you like me too?

Am i waiting too long?
Or do i take this slow?
I really need to know

But honestly
I fear the most
You may never think about me
This crush is only pretend
In my own
Fantasy

I fought fear
With more fear
I escaped the prison
Just for a new reason
To be afraid

It's been whispering for awhile
But now it's here with a smile
Telling me
Screaming at me
Run away
Run away

There's nowhere to run
I'm out here with a gun
Fighting what appears to be
Nothing at all
But feels as if
It's everyone at once
Ready to pounce

Nobody can feel it
Time moving
Faster and faster
It's like the wind wants me
To escape my body
Run out of my mind
The earth is not kind

It's taken over
By a master plan
I can't understand
But I can feel
The enemy
It's inside me
And everyone else

I want to hide
I want to cry
But to no end
I am going to end
As we all will
I am afraid
I am terrified
I am shaking
And quaking

My family will die
I will die
There's nothing to fight
There's no reason in sight
For this life
It's all pretend
I woke up and saw it end
The illusion
Now it is moving
In fast forward
I can't get a grip
I started to slip

I saw the earth
As the lie she is
I saw the lines
Cross the bridge
It's a false bubble
A false notion
There's nothing I can do
But feel the motion

Of fear and lies
I'll keep crying and hiding
Til I die
Which is coming
Sooner then we all know
50 years
Is now 50 minutes
Blink your eyes
Think with your mind
Time will fly
And then we all
Die

I've been through hell
I've been laughed at
Mocked and rejected
Living in darkness

Been through it all
No rise only fall
Been homeless
Starved nearly to death

Starved of light
Starved of anything bright
So i stopped and asked myself
Why am i so scared
I've gotten out fair

Every rejection
Every horrifying disturbance
Every pain
Every hurt

I've gotten back up
Walked away from bad luck
Yet my heart fears
I think i realized behind my tears

I'm afriad to be happy
I'm afraid of anything good
Someone compliments me
And i run away

I rather be insulted
I rather be rejected
I rather be beaten
And bruised

I don't understand
Kindness or a helping hand
What are your intentions
Something evil i dare not mention?

If i feel happy that's not good
If i feel joy I'm sinning
And death and gloom will come
Grinning

I'm wrestling with myself
I want to do things
Fun, wild, new things
But no
No no no
That's too crazy

Stay in bed
Sleep yourself away
Remember the consequences
In your head

I want to let it go
Live the life I missed
Loosen up
Go with the flow

I get so close
I feel it in my bones
Tattoos, ***, parties
Being a little naughty
But I leave it at almost

I'll almost do it Everytime
Then I say it's not right
Then I feel sick and cry
It's a hard learned chime

It rings and I quit
I must not sin
I must not live
I'm too afraid
All I feel is a pit

I'm so confused
What do I want to do
There's fighting in my bones
It's leaving me broken and bruised

I just don't know
So asleep I'll go
It hides all my woes
In my dreams maybe I'll go
For peace and snow
In here the real me can show
With no regrets or fears below

I lose myself more everyday
I feel less and less
But still pain

Months pass by
Days are gone
All I ask is why

I feel guilty
For I am losing me
But maybe I'm finding something

Someone new
Someone happy
Someone less shrew

I'm becoming emptier
Day by day
But some hope is still in the way

Maybe
Just maybe
I'm growing

Into a person
And not just
A lonely
Sad
Miserable
Shell