How could a smile be so meaningless
Or eyes that show no emotion
Arms that use to embrace me
Now push me aside

I don't know why this happened
We used to mean the world to each other
My best friend forever
At least that's what I thought

How could I have been so stupid
All the signs were in front of me
You never loved me
I was just too desperate to care

My smile gets bigger
My laugh sounds louder
My heart beats faster
My eyes grow wider
My stomach gets more nervous
And I wouldn't change it for the world

A too-warm new year January afternoon
Holds the same sun as April's evening at 12 years old
The scent of gentle pink roses
Is a cool shower in the summer before high school
A new-to-me videogame console
Is sophomore year's ignored chemistry homework
My eyes and ears and nose and hands
Contain memories I did not mean to make
They store moments that take me back to times
That were insignificant in my mind
A childhood filled with life and experience
That I seem to keep reliving, despite my unintention
But I hold no complaints in my heart
As I know that one day, these words will provide the same feeling
I will look back on poems written while pushing grocery carts
And think to myself, what a pleasure to live in a time capsule

A girl
Beautiful
Courageous
Daring
Elegant
Forgiving
Gracious
Hyper­
Independent
Joyous
Kind
Lovable
Marvelous
Natural
Original
Preci­ous
Quizzical
Responsible
Star
Tolerant
Underrated
Victorious
Won­drous
Xenodochial
Youthful
Zen

I love you
Isn't a statement
It's a question
And what you say back is your answer

Saying I love you back
Will confirm a feeling for someone else
But anything else
Can break a heart and crush a soul

Sometimes all I want
Is to go home

A girl with beautiful, golden hair                  
Waking up early and roasting my hair for days so they think it's pretty
Stylish clothes from designer brands
Saving up money for months to buy some stupid pants I don't like
A beautiful face
Using masks, scrubs, rinses, and lotions to look like this
Do you want me to go on?
Because trust me
This girl has so much pressure
That's not the real her

Isn't it just odd
That no one cares about me
Until I'm crying

When I take off my makeup
When I wash out my hair
When I change my clothes
Am I still beautiful?

My last dying breath

Was your dramatic sigh

If I’m the girl that everyone likes
Why do I have hardly any real friends?

Dead roses
In pretty poses

I find
A rhythmic beat
To the pounding
Upon my rooftop
And as the thunder shakes my walls
My thoughts fade
Into the darkness
Of the clouds outside

You say you want us to still be friends
But it doesn't seem like you mean it
After getting over the pain
I decided I'd believe it
But perhaps you only said that to spare my feelings
Looking at you I know I should have seen it
Watch, you'll start acting like you like me again
And then we'll both repeat it

Thank you
You might not realize it
But you mean so much to me
I only go because I know you're smiling face will greet me
Even though no one else likes me
Or talks to me
(Those people don't know my name after a year)
You never fail to be there for me
It might just be your small act of kindness
But it means the world to me

I've lost who I really am
These chains that I've put on myself
The ones I thought would help
Have changed to powerful ocean waves

They're choking me out
So that no one else can hear my desperate screams
I put on mask after mask
Each one a poor imitation of that girl

The girl that would laugh
And enjoyed having fun
Not this one who cries in the bathroom stall all alone
So if you find her, let me know

Doesn't it sting
Just watching them do anything
And oh how it hurts
Just to watch them flirt
He's the only thing I wanted
And by his ghost I'm haunted
The worst part is
One of my best friends is now his
I should be the one he loves
I want to be the one he hugs
Why does she get to have him
Tears are filling at the brim
My eyes are green
Is it me or him or her that's mean
I don't want to hate them
But I feel trapped in this pen
I hate myself for feeling this way
But it's not something I can just wish away
It's burrowed deep into my soul
Leaving a
Dark
Empty Hole

I had to vacuum up your spot today
And clean up the mess you made
But I didnt care because I loved you
And now I'll never get to see you
I should have petted you one last time
I wish this morning I had said goodbye
I wasnt ready for this much heartbreak
Who knows how long this healing will take

Let's take a trip around the world
Just to show everyone how much you hurt
First we'll start in Paris where you'll try to bid me adieu
But I regret ever saying Bonjour to someone like you
Maybe in Germany I'll get stupid and try to call you mine
But I know I'd be met with a cold hard Nein
Next I'll imagine a Britain where you'd call me love
But in reality you would throw me off the Big Ben and I'd pray to be saved by doves
We could go back to the States and I'll meet you in LA
But you'd run to Montana before ever looking my way
Maybe we could go and visit New York
But you'd stab me instead of cheesecake with your fork
I wish we had the chance to meet up in Hawaii
But I shouldn't have ever loved you
Because you always hated me

Broken Heart
Broken Mind
Worthless Girl
Worthless Find
Waste of Space
Waste of Time
I don't know if I can live
Just one more time

When I know you're on the other line of the phone, I feel...

Safe
Warm
Happy

You don't even have to talk. I know everything is okay when I know you're with me.

If I want to plug in my headphones, I guess I'm rude
That doesn't make any sense
If I leak a tear, I'm being over-dramatic
Can I not have emotions?
If I'd rather read a book than hang out with everyone, I'm "emotional"
I don't know if I can deal with this anymore.
Sometimes I wish I was quiet all the time
So I wasn't expected to be loud

The way he acts
It makes me scared
The way he looks
At us, it makes me nervous
The way he talks
Makes me sick
The way he moves
Horrifies me
The way he is
Is not the way it should be

You can not play with a glass heart

And expect to fix it just as easily as you shattered it

I'm glad you're seeing the consequences of your actions

We fill up our lives
We can’t stand the thought of emptiness
We look at others who seem satisfied
So we fill up our lives
With our screens
We spend our days mesmerized by that vibrant glow
With money
Working days on end to be richer, bigger, fancier
With clothes
Walking around so we can receive shallow attention
And when we realize this is how we get rid of the emptiness
Think
How full are you really?

Maybe all those closed doors

Maybe all those broken hearts

Maybe all those questioning why's

Are what lead me straight to you

I just want to tell you, I might be falling in love with you
I lay down and think of you, wake up and think of you
You are the person that is always on my mind.
I’m sorry, I can’t help it. You probably don’t feel the same way anyways.
I might leave you, but I can’t bear to lose you when you’re so close.
You’re a beautiful nuisance to say the least.
It’s truly disappointing we won’t be together
I’ve dreamed of being yours, but I just know it won’t happen
How can I let go when I’ve come so far?
But maybe it’s a good thing
Because my friends don’t always approve
There are so many fish in the sea, but do I dare throw you back in?
I spent so much time working for your liking
Your smile can bring me out of sadness and I yearn to hear your laugh
Why am I so obsessed? I’ve moved on before
Because you’re special; to me at least
There
Now you know it all
It probably won’t make a difference to you
You’ll just think I’m some kind of ******
You might cast me aside as nothing
But honestly
I need to let go anyways

Small, sweet girl,
Love the protection
You do not know you have.
Enjoy the California mountains
While you roam them;
Feel the cool rocks in your yard
While it is still your home
Walk in the newborn stream to cool your feet
Before you want to put them in heels.
Walk through the tall, dead grasses
And pretend you do not fear the snakes,
Until you want to walk the streets
And pretend you do not fear the men.
Let your blonde hair shine
Before it turns red from the fires you watch.
Maybe the weight you gain when you are much older
Will make up for what you deprived yourself of
When you are just a little older.
I would tell you not to hold on to Mom too tight,
So that you may not shatter when you learn
Not every good girl has a good mommy.
But I can not blame you for holding on to the things you know.
She is just one that will sting of painful nostalgia.
But that will be for another poem,
Another letter that I write to you sometime;
A little older, hopefully a little wiser

You are the answer to all of my problems
There for me whenever I need you
You're only one call away
Even when I can't see you
I feel you in my heart
The greatest love I could ever ask for is right in front of me
And you've been there the whole time

I can’t believe it
The whispers
Why can’t I see the news
The smoke floods in
It chokes us
People are everywhere
Nothing
Reduced to ashes
The flames swirl and twirl
Taunting
Crushing
Nothing to help
Just prayer
For me
For them
I must go
Like always
Grabbing only what we need
Unlike the others
No time

I grasp
Knuckles white
To a rope
That has already promised me
It will never break

Started off last year
Depressed and suicidal
Wish I knew all the things then
That only now I know
I hated myself
And pushed everyone I loved away
Nearly killed myself March 26th
Praying I could survive until May

Finally it came
Graduated 8th grade
That school year felt like living Hell
Lost my best friend and my life I almost paid
Moved across the country
Leaving everyone behind
Decided I could start new
Looking at what I could find

I went to a summer camp
And I renewed my relationship with the Lord
Came back a changed girl
Love instead of hate as my sword
I started high school
New friends came plus stayed with an old one
I met my dream guy
And we somehow fell in love

I'm starting this year brand new
And I know, you can do it too

I'll wait
Wait for you to look at me
Wait to hear your laugh
Wait to see you smile
But I'd spend the rest of my life waiting on you

Slash up from my lips
To make a perfect smile
Iron my stomach flat
I haven't felt this good in a while!

Bleed out my thighs
So they won't be so thick
Pull my hair until it's straight
I think I'm almost perfect!

Maybe I'll break my nose
So it can be a little smaller
Why, this is so much easier
Than paying a thousand dollars!

I think next I'll carve out
All of my scars and impurities
Now I believe that's all it takes
For you to see a beautiful version of me

Never yet have I found arms as secure as yours
Nor have I felt such love in a pair of eyes
      To look in your eyes for all eternity, how my whole world could be gone
Gentle, kind

Never yet have I discovered a hand that intertwined not only our fingers but our souls.
Nor have I dreamt of a more gentle caress than the touch you give
       Your hands feel like the warm sun rays beating down onto the sand. Warm, inviting

This is home
This is love
Here is life
Here is happiness
We give support
We give criticism
I push away
I push them
My family gives
My family takes
This is love
This is home

I straighten my hair
I put on the nice clothes
I make a beautiful smile
So nobody knows
I study really hard
I hang out with my friends
I crush on the boy
But the secrets weigh in
I wish things were different
I can cry myself to sleep
And now it comes to seem
My nightmares replace dreams
My brain can’t think straight
My hearts a mess
My family’s gone
I’m piled high with stress
I look in the mirror
I hate what I see
But nobody knows these things
Except for me
I can’t even trust my friends
It’s standard after standard
Everyone thinks I’m perfect
But everything is so hard
My friends have secrets that I have to keep
The pressure is on
The gossip, the rumors
I don’t want to play along
Teasing and assumptions
Are always made about me
Even though they’re wrong
I wish I could be set free
I wish I could change
My body, my skin, my face
My persona seems to change
And friends can betray
I don’t have it bad
I’m your average teenage girl
I am no different
Than the rest of the world
But maybe I want to be noticed
Appreciated for once
Is that something bad
To ask love for the runts
My heart’s gone heavy
I can’t keep it together
It feels like I’m drowning
In stormy weather
They hurt my feelings
And they don’t even know it
Do I do the same
This pathetic little poet
Blend in with the crowd
They say
I want to say no
But I can’t walk away
I’m so dramatic
I realize all I do is make a scene
Am I actually popular
Or just plain mean
How do I feel
About my classmates
Am I different or a follower
To love or to hate
I’m expected to like
Someone in particular
This boy or that one
Other people decide who goes with her
I guess I’ll be okay
I’ll be just fine
I’m taking life
One step at a time
Insecurities are always with me
I can’t change that
But I’ll be alright
Can I really change who I am?

Chocolate eyes
Midnight hair
Name a place
I'll meet you there

I dream of you
Throughout the night
Then remember you
In the morning light

I'll be patient
Until I see you again
But the thought of you
Will remain in my head

Was it your fathers gun
Did your hear your mothers footsteps run
Did you pull the trigger from the side or underneath
Did you have to pull it out from a sheath
Did you wear black to hide the blood
Or white like a stained angel above
If you were in your room is the door still shut
Is the floor burnt from an old cigarette ****
Did you know that you wouldn’t see seventeen
Did you think this was the only shot at being seen
Did you second guess it or was it in one motion
Did your family bleach the house like an ocean
If we had called you would it have mattered
Was it the bathroom wall where your brains splattered
Did you cut yourself before and I just missed it
Did you know I would cry where you used to sit
Was it the cops or the school or your girlfriend
Did you know at graduation we all played pretend
Can you hear me when I scream out all my regrets
Did you think that dying young was your winning bet
Did you think about your sister or yourself as a child
Did you think about your obituary being filed
Was your face recognizable in a closed casket
Would you think about shooting hoops through a basket
Did you think anyone would miss you
I do