I want something i cant have

Something ive had before, soft and tender,

Something that isnt mine

Something thats on my mind

A woman

I am in pain
I ache
I bleed
Dry
Tired

Weak

You are a failure,

Your world  lives in a mirage

How much did you think it would help

Guilt and disgust for yourself

Leave it be, or dig  deeper,

Your ambition has blindly lead you to a cliff

Hear i am to open my eyes and jump

I hope you know
Theres a Poloroid of you
On my wall.
4 years and 13 days to the date
You disappeared,
I loved you then
You danced across wood floors
Dropped jaws
You spun me up in your silk

You made me feel flawless from a hundred miles away
I wished I could spend every day with you
I still do

I don't know where you are now,
the world swallowed you whole
Im tired
And cold
And you  brought me warmth
I just wondered if you where wondering
That after all this time
If I still kept that Poloroid  of you
On my wall

I'm alone now
Night sounds
Cicadas chirp incessantly.
The rain falls so softly
I know that no one's around

Blackberrys on the ground,
Wilting
The wind curls around me
No shelter
The  echos bounce around me
No sleep

When I get home, they'll be nothing to eat
But my good intentions

18 months in a brick shed  with a tin roof
6 more in a wood box too cramped  to breathe
Another year
Living in fear
In a room with no lock
And in 3 more weeks
I'll get my own place
No doors that don't close
No windows that don't open

I spent three years of my life in moldy decrepid rot
And now after removing a thot
I find myself in a happy space
A dog named squirt and  a kitchen two steps wide
My girlfriend looking at me with pride
4 months ago I'd never imagine
That today's the day  I move to my own
Mansion

Crystal parts
Broken hearts
I've been hiding all my fears
In this pipe
For far  to many years

So you've moved on,
I mean I know it didn't take you this long
But I still haven't
When i think about you it still hurts where my heart  used to be,
But that's ok
You needed to go your way

I just wish that your was a path that didn't go straight through someone else's ****
I wish you had the corage to end it
Before  you rolled  Me over
And ****** me with my heart

But that's ok I get it
We all make mistakes
And what breaks me one day builds me up the next (I've been told)
I just hope you make the right choices
I hope you  find the right faces
And go to to the right places

Just  promise me you'll never forget

I wish that sleep wasn't a thing
So I could spend all night talking

And I wish your breathing
Didn't  sound like snoring,
(through a microphone)

And though I know your hear with me
On the phone
I wish more then anything
That I wasn't home alone

I'm a little more then lost right now.
A little  more then scared
I thought I knew who to trust
But now I see no one  cares

My heart is aching
My future is shaking
I'm about to loose it all

But I know your smilling
Deep down,there's no hidding
You never really  cared

Dabble baby,
I'm your supply,
You'll never know a guy who will get you
Quite this  high.

Smoke Me,
Drink me,
Snort me too.

Slip me onto your tongue,
Under  the sun,
You'll  trip, it's true.

The longer you use me
The more you'll see
No one's abused  the supply
Quite  like me

I'm dead and cold and dark and blue
I've sold my soul for a fix you know it's true

So now nothing makes me happier
Then poisoning  your mind,
Don't stay in my life too long baby
I'm just a fix, you'll find
For all the broken things inside you
You know you'll never fix
I'm just the duck tape
To stop you loosing your mind

Do you think
You'll ever be tired of beeing mine?
Drunk ****** under two and a half  bottles of red wine.
I know your  kind,
Short and beautiful
Small lips with wolfs teeth
Swallow my soul  whole and carve your sigil into my breast,
Never once did I think you would ever fuel
What's  beating beneath  my chest.

Breathe steady baby, arche your hips
I've never been loved just quiet  like this,
Your hands around my  throat
My mind begins to float
I know before you. I had next to no hope.

"How many miles have you crawled "
You whisper in my ear
"How many smiling faces ,
And run down places have you seen
Before you realized I was your queen?"

"A dozen smiles "
My face turning blue
"And a million miles"
And I know  it's true
"But I know I'll never find another  broken heart that fits so well beside me,  I'll never  find anyone else like you "

sloppy,**
I dropped  the ****
Woops, hey now  I haven't touched your speed.
Slow down,
The codines around
Don't frown, the acid will make me into a clown
Lost now,
I'm running around
Somehow
10 miles off the ground
But I'll come down
I allways do
The drugs never last as long as you do
So let the  heynas hackle  from the street side
I may be ****** up but I'm not the one whos dead inside

I love  you.
Not for the broken bits.
Not for the subtle curves that fit so smoothly into mine
Not  for your *******  or your *******
Your thighs or your giggles
Not for your smile (your a clown)
But you,
All love all of you.
From the tips of your fingers
To the bottoms of your toes
From your highs to your lows
I love you

I'm gona do it I swear.
I'm gona do it, don't come near
I'm. Sick of feeling like im the center of your hate
I'm gona end the dispair
Don't blame yourself, you only twisted the keys into the locks I forged,
Don't hate yourself,
Or you'll find you'll join Me,  you'll pick up the cross I bore,

If I find myself breathing in the morning,
Then the drugs failed. Even though I ignored the labels warning,

It's ok though  because  I'll still  have no one here
I'll still feel all the fear
Don't worry. I'll do it
I swear

I'd put a bullet in my head if I didn't have
A trigger  for a spine

Please **** me

Why is the pain not gone

Why do I still feel like

all  the goodness in my life

Left

When  you pulled the knife   from his flesh

And twisted it into my back

Chest ache
Heart break
God I'll take no more

Head ache
For heavens sake
I cant take no more

You do it for fun
Just brag and then run
I know  your just his *****

So have your fun
I'll  stroke  this gun
And eagerly await
The gore

Heave
To and fro
Pull
Back and forwards.
Cut
Side to side
Jump
Up then so far down

Leave
I'm not worth being  around

I sat down to write about how you made me feel, Funny,   I thought something indescribeable  would be easy to explain

For the longest time I was In a dark place. With weights of lead bound around my heart. The inside of my skull became  walls that I was forced  to scream at  my flesh  was a barrier to letting the happyness out, my fingers   gripping cold steal triggers trembling pleading to let the grey  matter out
To decorate the walls in my own shade of misery.  
But I'm here
Breathing

It's strange,  for a boy who never leave his room. To sit Under his washing line and listen to the birds  sing. I lie on butter cups as I watch clouds dart between wire and cotton, how did I get here?
What God did I pray too?
Who did I pay?

When my world  was over. My pistol In my hand. You happened.
The cloud that had allways sat just out of sight came running. Galloping . To give me water.  To give me life,

A blue eyed blonde haired mirror of myself emerged,
Your smile Is warm. And kind. Like the evening sun I write this in,
Your touch was wholesome. And craved, you took the freyed edges of the tapastry that had become  my life and started to spin a new story. You took the lead weights  from my heart and melted them  into sinkers so we could catch stories with our fingers,  your skin felt like silk that I could never afford.
With each step  you danced on egg shells as you try  collect my broken pieces
And when a part of my was missing you filled it with a part of you. And now I find myself intertwined.
Here in this warm glow I notice something I've never had before.
The voices In my head have  stopped chiming.  The cries are far away.
Your gifts  have  not stopped coming.  I pray your here to stay
In less time then anyone has ever been in my life you have done so much more,   in less time then it took to knock me down you've built me into something more
I'll never forget the way I feel right now, here. Today.
Because each and every time I see you.
I know I'll stay this way

Death defy
Flying high
How hard  is it to touch the ground
Ill step of the edge and fall upwards
As my body plumits down
No longer will i be around,
Ill not even make a sound

Call me drunk,
But im stumbling sober.
Call me mad,
But ive allways been alone.
In the end I'll  be dead  by late october,
I hope my soul wanders  far from home

You can say im dead inside,
Im just sick  of  having **** to hide
I don't  have to lie any more you know,
Without  the hate i have  a chance to grow,
Where hate was once a flood, purging the land,
Now its just water falling through my hands

Smalls hands,
Cold feet,
Passion  every time we meet.
Blind? Maybe.
Dumb? ,probably
Wrong?  Never
Fingers  twisted like pretzels  in our palms
Tearing  out the psalms.
Because  it was sacred  once doesnt mean it is now,
But because  ive been  here  before makes it mean so much more,
My heart has  been broken  battered and bruised.
But still ill hold it up,
For you to use once more x

Idle minds  and  weary hands
Destroy dams of flesh
And flood the lands

Have you ever heard the rain,
Fall softly on a tin shed,
A thousand ball bearings tinkering softly above your head,

Have you ever felt  a mountains breath,
Bite at your fingers as you climb,
The dead stone calling you to fall,
But still you press ahead

Have you ever felt the sun
Scorch the earth, but not your flesh,
Where you bask for warmth,
Plants lie dead

Have you ever felt loves warm embrace
Raw and powerful,
Sweep itself  from your life
Tyranically, full of dread.

Have you ever found yourself  lost
Only to find yourself exactly where you
Need to be.

stretch
Breathe,
Find the foot of your bed,
Unwrap  the arm from around your head,

sigh
Smile,
The anxiety  is gone,
just for a while.

yawn
Tire,
Feel your  body ache with desire ,
Check the time, Youve got a while.

colapse*
Relax ,
The world  turns slowly,
So for 5 more minutes,
You can watch your heart sleep.

I became  what i said id never be, after you turned out to be what you allways said you weren't.

How do you fall  out of love
My heart feels heavy with  your memories
I want to clear some space
And find peace

Im nearing capacity.
Too cluttered  and corupted to care
I cant delete you
All that would be left is fear

So i drown  myself in sorrow
Addictions lust and love
For if im drunk untill tomorrow
I might find myself in love

Im  overwhelmed.
My world spins
How  many hours have i been awake now?
Am i the only  one whos sined?
My bed brings me no  delight.  
Rejoice  comes only with the dead
So sing to me your  soft  goodbyes  
As i fill my head with lead

Ive found  the edge of the facade,
I peeled  back all the layers.
Only  to find a rotten core,
I found myself  beeing played.
But why do i want  much more,
My skin crawls  when i try to sleep
The screams start when  i close my eyes.

How many  more  times  will you tell yourself  that all i am is lies?

And as crows raise my heart from the gutter
And i find myself feeling pride.
My garden  whimpers and wilts for no good reason.
Till i realized  you might be why it died

Dont get hooked.
Im addictive,
Dont take too much.
Im toxic,
Dont use  me often.
Im abrasive,

Dont fall to hard.
Ill catch you,

Hey I know youll read this
Welcome to my life bub.

It's  a mess in here. My head  that is,
Broken glass and shrapnels of lead.
Ive hired  some cleaners before.  No ones ever come willingly
So it means alot that you want the job,
Because  this mess is killing me.

Y.. you want me?
All the little  broken  bits.  Youll take  them
For free?
Youll wrap my wounded heart in yours
Help close all those broken doors
Show me i can sail to such foreign  shores
Are you really what i need?

Did you know when your ears are turned off,
I whisper "i love you's" in their Thousands.
Did you know that when your smilling at something cute,
that im smiling at you.
your the wind in the wings I didnt know I had,
Your the spark in my eyes I thought had died
if anyone ever tries to say "he doesnt love you"
then dont listen my dear, they're lieing.

Cotton soft and oh so warm
Here ill wait for bitting dawn,
For my bed is cold as winters night,
No comfort will i find tonight.

Amelia
Stay
We ran a million miles
Fought a thousand battles  inside your  mind.
And several just outside,
Amelia
Did the head aches get  too much?  Did your heart  tell you to run?
Was it the illusion  or the rush?
Stay
Amelia
Your heart is way to broken,
Your words are softly spoken.
But your the  one for me,
So young and oh so free

Stay*

We ran a million  miles
And  walked a million  more
And  another million  miles I'd carry you
Just to see your smile
Just to make your while
Just so you wont hurt any more.

if my heart breaks one more time I swear  to god there will  be nothing left

Im ok.
I know you don't  see me,
But im fine.
I know you cant feel me rithe
My ribcage is split down the middle.
By the pain of your absence,
I believe you , you know.
You want me so badly.
But do you?
I just want to rest
In your tender embrace.
All i want
Is to look up and say
I love you

Is that ok?

Elation
Graduation
Ive succeeded
Ive defeated my demons
And summond the evils that pestered me
Just to **** in front  of them gleefully
Im animalistic im my celebrations
I think  i should plan a vaction
Im drunk  on the joy of succeeding
I've not just  bested my goals,
Ive superpassed them
And now ill end my day
With the widest grin

Im confuddled.
Confused
Bemused

Im in love  with you,
So tender and true,
A love as old as time
But still it feels so new

Im learning  every day and night
What monsters keep you up at night
I think i know how to hold  you right

And keep you so amused

Im fearful that ill loose your  attention.
Im terrified of the things i best not mention
But if i do one thing right in my life.

It would be staying with you. My love.
My life

Wet feet  on the ground
Rain drops all around.
The veiw is intoxicating.
Sheet grey so monotonous its heart  breaking.
In the distance i see lights
Indicating that  there is life
But ill stand here.
In the rain
Waiting  to feel the pain of it all again

Do you write poetry to get it all out
Or to hide it?
Do you  write because  you  want to scream
And shout, or because you cant hide it?

I write when  im lonely
When the demons inside me get roudy
When the drugs  come a'howlin
And my familys looking over  me,
Frowning

I write  when the slits on my wrists  look like the telephone  lines i should be calling
But instead of screaming i just end up scrawling
All my pathetic  overstated  woes
Right here

So  facilitate  me, you strangers
Love this post.  Even though i hate it
Youve no idea the dangers im in
Trying to stay  away from that whole bottle of gin
In the corner

Facilitate  my anxieties
Show me your  all just sheep
Flocking  to  litterature like the  bowls of soup attract the meak

Im not a person here.
None of you really care
Are you even self aware
Do you know That even though its poetry
Theres a person  there?

I had a cold shower, and i didnt even notice

You haven't  seen me, but ive been feeling rather lachrymose recently,
I know your not the liar you imply to be
But i think it's  your way of saying
You dont apply to me.

If you hate me the feelings mutual
Im hating feeling this unusual
Nothing i say sounds useful
Im finding it hard to stay neutral

I love you  but i dont feel loved
I get kissed but i dont feel the  hug
Even though you arms are heavy with the emotions you want to portray.
And the things you say,
Are all good things
And the  ways youve shown me you care.
Are  all true to you

I feel nothing

I hate the emptyness inside  of me that should  be filled with  your love because  there's  a hole  in my chest
big Enough for a dove

To fly  away

Lost  amongst familure strangers
Holding your foreign  curves
Like homeland  hills
Oceans have grown between us
But luckily i can swim
And i think i know the direction
Your in

Im not ok
Im trying
I dont want to be this way
I studied  so hard and it's all for naught
Be mercyfull god
I need a break
I give my happyness away to others  
Every  day
So im hopping some could come  
my way today