You woke me up in the darkest hours of the morning, before the sun had even blinked those sleepy eyes twice, with a question that I'd been waiting for.

I'd thought about this question. I thought about how you would ask it. Where. When. Why. What I would say. What you would say back. But I never thought about it happening while I was still asleep.

I rolled over to see you. You saw me and said, "I have to ask you something."
I knew the question before it slipped through your alcohol flavored lips, and it still knocked the wind right out of me.

I wasn't prepared. Despite all the times I'd planned and reworded.
So I started to say, "Sometimes I think I do. But then.."

And you, so drunk and stubborn, you were not having it. You rolled over with a pout and proceeded to fake sleep.
And I rolled over behind you, put my lips to your ear, and I whispered it.

For the first time, I admitted it.
"I love you."


s.mndi

You know that feeling when you can't remember if something really happened or if you only dreamed it?
That's what it felt like the first time you said you loved me.

It happened in that fine line of time
the border
between late that night
and early the next morning
when you can't find the sun
or the moon
and the sky's a pinkish shade of blue.

On my knees
in the bathroom
too much liquor
never been sicker
my stomach coming up
through my throat
angry with me
letting me have it

You stood behind me
"shh baby" & "its okay"ing me in cooing whispers
rubbing my back
petting my hair
despite all the times I slurred my words at you
telling you to get out
thinking about how disappointed you must be

and then I heard it
and I know I was drunk
but I heard it
you said
"I love you too, Sarah. I love you too."
and you kept saying it
and I kept thinking
"This is real. She said this. Please remember this. Oh god, please remember."

I woke up the next morning
next to you
thank god, you were still there
and you asked if I remembered anything from last night
and I said I think I do
but I still wasn't sure if it really happened
and you confirmed it
and laughed
and said "of course that's the only thing you remember"
and I smiled
because that was all I needed to


*s.mndi

How could you not fall for
an angel like her?
nobody in their right mind,
not a single person could resist
all that she is and comes with,
h*eaven and hell alike.


s.mndi

I want a girl with eyes like daggers
that tear her up when she's looking at me
with a mind that badgers
and I know it's thinking about me

I want a girl with hair so wild
but eyes that could calm the sea
with a voice that smiles
every time it's talking about  me

I want a girl with a real good grip
and hands as soft as sunlight
with her arms wrapped 'round my hips
sleeping next to me all night

I want a girl that likes to read
so she can read all that I write about her
a constant source of inspiration to me
she never lets me run out of words

I want a girl that likes to ****
and wouldn't mind falling asleep right after
with a talent for making her own luck
and getting  people to fall for her

I want a girl that wants me too
that made a list of qualities I happen to possess
I want to know you're right for me and I'm right for you
and we won't turn this into a mess.

                                                               ­                     
                                           ­                                      *smndi

You know the one I'm talking about.
The little stuffed raccoon
with the lipstick on its face
that I don't know where it came from
but maybe it came from me
trying to kiss you
and tell you how much
I miss you.

But it's just a smudge
so maybe you moved away too fast
before I could finish
and you messed everything up.

But it's okay, I'll let to stick around.
At least until it can fade away completely
and leave me with an
"I'm not in your life anymore"


*s.mndi

The stars that fall
from the sky so blue
well they learned it all
watching me fall for you.


*s.mndi

The ice it clinks
the straw it stirs
you're making drinks
that won't drown her

She's up all night
you put her to bed
but she puts up a fight
falls asleep with the drink in her hand

Sneak out for a smoke
she's fast asleep anyway
when I came back, she awoke
baby why'd you go away?

But shh you're there now
she's already passed out again
with her little body curled around
yours, she's asleep with a grin.


*s.mndi

There is a brief moment
between when you wake up
and
when you come to.
And in this moment
sleep lingers.
The dream has not yet ended.
What was happening in your dream
is what you still know to be true.

Last night, I dreamt she loved me.
She was mine, she told me so.
Now even if I never hear those words
in reality,
I still have the memory of how they sounded
in my sleep.

When I awoke
for that moment
she was still
mine.

That moment of bliss
before the cruel joke
the realization
sunk in.

I rolled over with a bitter refusal
to let her go
any further.
I went back to sleep
with the hope
to wake up
back in whatever world it was
where she was mine.


*s.mndi

it's not your fault baby bird
they never taught you how to fly.
you were forced out of the nest
while they watched you fall and die.

When she kisses me?
It's like a fairytale in reverse.
Her lips put me under a trance.
Instead of waking me up
I fall into a deep unconsciousness.
Rather than breaking a spell
she puts me under her own.
Maybe that's the reason
I'm always dreaming of her.


*s.mndi

It's my favorite time of night. We slip outside for a smoke and with each drag her face is illuminated in a fiery glow. The whole world is dark and all the light is right here. It's coming from her. Every star decided to leave the night sky to become something better. They became the sparks in her eyes. The crescent moon followed too and adjusted itself to fit in her glowing grin. Now every time she smiles at me I see the night sky.


s.mndi

My Jailbird Brother
you are both selfish and foolish
and i'm not sure which is worse
or which i envy more
less than five hours you were home
less than t h r e e  h u n d r e d minutes
a careless release, really
but you wasted no time finding your way into trouble
the same kind of trouble that got you taken away
kept under lock and key
when you should have been here growing up with me
this wasn't how it was supposed to happen
i envisioned hugs and tears and rambling stories
instead i found drugs and fears and repressed memories
i thought that when you came back it would be like you never left
..it was exactly like that
in the worst way
like you really never went away
you'd been here the whole time
making messes and breaking hearts
among so many other things
making mom cry
because look at you
you're not the same
you came back worse than when you'd left
maybe they got it wrong
maybe they sent back someone else
you adapted to survive
but there's a point where stoic turns cold
and resilient becomes defensive
and you're hiding your feelings to the point
where you can't even even find them
i never saw you as a criminal
but now that's all you know how to be.


*smndi

Sleep does not come easy
when I'm not sleeping with you.
I'm so used to doing it
not alone, but part of two.
There's too much room
in this here bed
there's a pillow here
missing your head.
And my heads missing your lips
I can't sleep tonight
not without that goodnight kiss.
The moon looks in my window
watching with empathy I'm sure
she knows this lonesome feeling
her lover too sleeps not with her.
Sad insomniacs
with empty sheets and empty arms
you're somewhere else asleep without me
the thought alone just does me harm.
If I could rearrange the stars like monkey bars
I'd cross this desert straight to you
if I had to dodge through speeding cars
let me tell you, there's not a thing I wouldn't do.
My eyes are growing tired
but my mind is racing with thoughts of you
it won't seem to let me sleep tonight
I think it's trying to run to you too.


*s.mndi

I want you to crush me
light me up
and breathe me in.
Inhale
and hold me
in your breath
until I burn holes
in your lungs.
And then hold me some more.
I want you to mourn for me
as you exhale
and I dance
in ripples and rings
my way into the atmosphere.
I will sail
through endless schools of stars
like a lost fish
in a foreign sea
trying to find my home.
And maybe it's
just a few galaxies
away
or in an
entirely different universe
altogether.
But until I find it
I'll wander
free.

(I'll miss you)


*s.mndi

My heart is too big
it's weighing me down
The muscles in my face
only know how to form a frown
I thought life was going good, I thought I had it great
Now I'm sitting here alone with this drink
questioning my fate
I've got so much love to give
but no willing recipients
The loneliness is sinking in
and I wonder
what is it about me that makes them afraid to commit?
Maybe I'm a drunk and my lungs are full of ash
and I know I don't have much cash
but I swear to you I'll give you the world
if you just give me a chance.


s.mndi

The sun came up
I came to
you looked at me
I couldn't look at you
you drove me home
we said goodbye
I went inside
tried not to cry
I checked my phone
no text, no call
my eyes got wet
I let them fall
tears began to pour
I could feel my heart break
I cried on the floor
til it turned into a lake
I went for a swim
had a bottle of wine
your life went on
and so did mine.


*s.mndi

"What's wrong?"
The voice whispered

"What's not?"
I whispered back
in a drunken state of remorse.

"Is it your fault?"
The voice slipped through the darkness
like breath slips through the harsh cold.

"Yes. All of it."
A nod was all I had left to give.
A nod
and then a bang
against the wall
leaving my skull a little sore.

"Tell me something. Do you blame the trees for losing their leaves? Would you say it is the moons fault she runs from the sun? Is it the poor clouds fault they sometimes need to let go and pour out all that they've been storing inside?"

"You cannot blame the seasons for changing,"
I huffed in frustration.

"And you, my dear, change as swiftly as the seasons."


*s.mndi

The first cigarette in the morning is always the most
relaxing.
Sitting on the balcony.
The birds telling secrets from different trees.
Chirping different melodies.
I've got so many things going wrong for me but each drag makes another one feel a little less steep.
I wish that you were here with me
to watch the breeze sway the palm trees.
I'm losing my mind like they're losing their leaves.


s.mndi

with the invention of humans
the universe became conscious
of itself.

"goodnight"
was her way of saying
"goodbye"

she wouldn't be there in the morning.

feeding me lines
and I take them with ease
I take as I please
codependent like daddy
can't stand to stand alone
always need somebody
for me to call my own
take care of me
oh baby please
I need I need I need
I fall in love way too fast
becoming too attached
and then I can't seem to grasp
the idea that you could leave
now I'm alone
I can't find where to go
because I've only been taught to follow
to hold on and depend
I just want love and nurturing
I'm sick of all my friends
but somehow I've made it this far
broken, bruised, and left with scars
but I'm still alive and I'm all I need
I'll say goodbye to the broken me
like I said goodbye to you.


*s.mndi

You didn't know what to say anymore.
So you didn't.
You picked up your guitar
and you played for me some more.
You sang for me
songs we'd danced to before.
And it hurt but I smiled
and listened to you.
You played all my favorite songs
that were all your favorites too.
I watched you
you, with your eyes closed shut.
The petals fell from the sunflowers
and your room got dark and cold.
You sang songs you'd written in rehab
that you swore weren't written for other girls
but when you sang them
your eyes got still
and I could swear you were remembering someone.
That was our last night together.
And I didn't know it at the time,
but that was the last music I would hear.


*s.mndi

It was only inevitable that I would fall in love with you.
I knew it from the minute you first came into my sight
and ever since then I've been trying to tread light.
I've never been one to take it slow.
patience for me is agonizing
If it was you that I was after, I wanted you to know.
and I wanted you bad, you were so enticing
What's the use in hiding all the love I've got to show?
But loving you was like leaving footprints in the sand
two steps forward, Twelve Steps back again
til the tides washed them away
along with all the progress that we've made.
I have sailed through your stormiest seas
while you kicked up water and tried to drown me.
I held fast and tried to stay afloat
while you raged on and tried to sink my boat.
And then somewhere along the way
you realized I'm not one to stray.
I wouldn't disappear
I wouldn't turn to dust
you knew you didn't have to fear
that's how I finally earned your trust.
That's when you let me in
you let yourself love me too
and ever since then
its been easy sailin' with you.
You were well worth the wait,
that was something I always knew.
And even if I can't be your soulmate
at least for a while, I got to have you.


                                                              ­                                                     *smndi

yes, your heart broke. but let me tell you this, it didn't happen the way that you think it did.
it didn't shatter, crack, or crumble.
it broke open.
it had so much love inside that it simply spilled right out. an overflow of emotion so deep it brought you to your knees.
you can feel it in your chest, like you're being pulled open, like your soul is being pulled right out through it.
but give it just a little while to adapt, my love, and you'll see it grows fast
it will expand to shove that love right back in again. plenty of space for a new love to take place.
it's a flow of emotion, feel it like a wave and float with it.
ride it til the tides are guiding you back to shore and ground yourself then. your toes in the sand.
you're apart of everything that exists.
feel the sea, feel the sand, feel the trees, feel the land.
but most of all, feel the love.

i got really good at living in my head when i was a kid
and now i can't seem to find my way out.

how much is reality?
which parts did i wish to see?

I miss you less and less each day
and that breaks my heart in every way.


                                                ↠mndi➣

How much can you really love a person
if you can't love them when you're sober?
I'm starting to think my love affair
isn't really with you,
it's with Captain Morgan.


                                                       xo, *smndi

It's that half smile of yours
the one that you make
when you're making me moan
and you're enjoying yourself
simply by making me enjoy you.
Your eyes
so concentrated
but so calm
and they look at me
like they're reading my mind
like everything I'm thinking
is written in my eyes.
Your hands move over me
like they're retracing a familiar place
like they've been there many times before
but still have so much more to explore.
You know me too well
and not at all.
You're comfortable
and amazed
all at the same time.
You love me the most
when we're all alone.


*s.mndi

She smiles when she ***** me.
That must be what making love is.


*s.mndi

"Can't she see it? She needs me."
I spoke with frustration and anger. I whimpered with longing.

"She can't see anything yet. She isn't looking."
He spoke with a confidence that was calming. He spoke like he knew.
Like God himself had let him in on a little secret he was struggling to keep.

"I would love her."
I pouted like an impatient infant.

"You will love her when she needs you to."
He smiled like a father comforting his impatient infant.

"And?" I pleaded. I needed more.

"Be sure she is what you need too."

And with that, he vanished.


*s.mndi

We met because I had to take my best friend to the clinic to get birth control because she told me she'd **** herself if she got pregnant. I believed her. It was a matter of life and death.

It only seemed right to take her to lunch after such an occasion. We needed to talk and we weren't done talking. Neither the bus rides nor the long walks were long enough.

My mom introduced us. When I looked up from the table to see that raving smile of yours for the first time, it happened. I changed. I had decided then that I had to have you and I got rid of all that I already had.

And now, 11 months post meeting you, I am still working on getting you again. And making that bright smile appear like the sun after the eclipse.

I got you, now I need you to stay.


s.mndi

play me that song
that you wrote long ago

that you thought I forgot
but every word I still know

sing it to me till I fall fast asleep
let it be the last memory of you that I'll keep.


*s.mndi

She is the angry burn of alcohol.
The choking feeling when you've taken too many shots
in too little time.
She is the fire in your chest when brave little you took a hit bigger than the clouds in the Seattle sky.
She is the unmistakeable
unshakeable
fear
brought on by the bad acid trip.
The pinch,
poke,
& sting
of the needles in your arm.
She is the abused substances
and she is the abuse
that drove you to them.
She is twice as addictive
three times as dangerous
and there are no Twelve Steps
or support groups
or miraculous stories of survival.

You'll never be clean again.


*s.mndi

Sticks and stones and broken bones
in the cemetery where we left you to rot

Words sometimes hurt but never worse
than the ones left unsaid
especially when
you left right after we fought.


*s.mndi

We stood in the parking lot with our heads up in the sky.
She showed me where the Big Dipper was. I was thrilled.
I showed her where the Little Dipper was. She was skeptical.
We found Orion's Belt together and argued over whether or not we were seeing the right things.
I could have spent all night with her under those stars.
Each constellation watching us.
People gazing.

But the pain of being stuck there on earth started to overwhelm.
I wanted desperately to take her up into space to become our own little string of stars.
Put us together in a nice spot and wait for other lovers down on earth to gaze upon us.


s.mndi

Just once*
I would like to swim in the ocean
without every ******* wave
trying to knock me down.


↠mndi➣

paintbrush strokes of white on blue
stretching over me and you
colors change to pink-streaked yellow
the earths settling down, getting sleepy and mellow
now it's all gone black with specks of white
any color has left us alone for the night
it's getting brighter
bluer, whiter
the birds in the trees are singing like a choir
they're pretty high up, but i think we're higher
i'll stay up all day, and all through the night too
if you'll be there with me through every shade and hue


s.*mndi

Let my tombstone read:
"wish you were here"

'cause even when I'm down below,
I'll be thinking of you, dear.

s.mndi

From the Moon
came light

And god I've never seen
the Sky so bright

The Stars lit up
and beamed in white

The Sun hung in shame
losing to the Night.

s.mndi

When you're here at night
I feel alright
I fall right to sleep

But the nights you're gone
it all goes wrong
and in the bad dreams creep.

s.mndi

I want to come together with you
so close
that the chemistry between us
so hot and dense
is enough to coalesce
to form new stars
new galaxies
a whole new world all our own.
Enough to trigger the most brilliant Supernova
so we may live
on the brightest new star
in the celestial sphere.
And then
I want the entire universe built
in the image of you.
All the forests will be done
in the redwood brown color of your eyes.
The freckles in your skin
become the comets in the sky
and the lines on the palms of your hands
become the basis for all the constellations.
The mountains are formed in homage
to the shape of your spine.
The color of your pale white skin
is who to thank for the moon's soft glow.
While the fire in your heart
is how the sun learned how to burn.
And both, too brilliant to lay eyes on.
The waves in the oceans
like the waves in your hair.
The clouds in the sky
as white as your sparkling smile.
The sparks that fly
when our lips come to meet
will be the second Big Bang
sweeping us off our feet
and our world will be born
surrounded with you
and the best part of it all
it's a world just for two.


*s.mndi

who was I one year ago?
a sad little drugged up ***
no one taught me anything
I was so desperate, so eager to please
please don't go, stay with me
I'll do what you want, give you anything
everyone took advantage
of my biggest defect
I don't know how to say that word
I'm programmed to talk but not to be heard
I can't stand up
I don't fight back
but if I was Marty McFly
I'd take it all back
I'd save myself
from my biggest heartaches
the worst mistakes
I've ever made
I wouldn't be so troubled now
so negative and bent
maybe I'd be loved right now
if I hadn't hurt all of them
but **** it all
I'll just get high
fly to the moon
and drown in the sky.


*s.mndi

I could spend hours writing about you
and believe me, I have
but they all end up the same way
"I love her  I love her  I love her"
I want to put the pens down and grab your hands instead
run them across my body while I tell you all the things that I've written
but never said
pull your lips to mine and let our tongues do all the talking
while they're conversing I'll start *******
you slowly
I wanna savor the moment I come in contact with your body
move my lips down to your chest
and whisper my secrets to your skin
leave a message in every kiss
and a kiss at every corner
while I breathe you in
every breath I take
now the beds starting to shake
as I start to make
love to
you

Too afraid to ask any questions
'cause I'm so afraid of what your answer will be
like if I were to ask you
are you still in love with me?

If your answer was a no
well I don't know what I'd do
I'm not prepared, I mean after all
I've spent the past year in love with you.


↠mndi➣