she was every star in my night sky
i was a handful of fireflies she kept in a jar
she was my sun;
illuminating my entire world
i was her lamp;
glowing dimly in the corner of her room

i still sees stars every night
all of the fireflies died out
i still wake up to the sun every morning
she turned off the light.


↠mndi➣

We sat in the backseat of your car
parked across the street from the
godawful
house I was staying in at the time.
We sat quietly for a few moments
still unsure of how to act around each other now.
I could feel your eyes on me
a smile forming automatically.
(**** nerves)
"What are you thinking about?"
I turned to meet your gaze
and an unspoken staring contest began.
Without a pause
you answered,
"I was wondering if I've ever told you you're beautiful."
It was unexpected.
It was honest.
It was cute as hell is what it was.
I thought about it for a second. "Probably."
I shrugged. Playing it cool.
Pretending a whole migration of butterflies
did not just migrate right into my stomach.
We thought some more
and then
you whispered
"you're gorgeous"
and I felt my heart break.


*s.mndi

Every past flame I've ever had
quickly turned into a raging fire
leaving me burned & scarred.
You are not a flame
but a much needed storm
that soothed the dried up heart
and extinguished any existing flicker.
The calm, cool waters proved therapeutic
to the scorched skin.
You poured until you flooded
you overflowed
and I was overwhelmed
but still
I dove right in
not concerned with whether
I'd sink or swim.
So I submerged myself
into the deepest depths of you
where I would live out
the rest of my days.


*s.mndi

I want to tell you that you'll be okay.
That you'll bounce back right away.
That everything you're going through
is nothing new
you've seen and done it all before
nothing scares you anymore
you brushed off those scars and every bruise too
you don't need anything left to remind you.
You're tougher than that
you always pull through.
And I'll be right here
to make sure you do.
If there's anything you fear
and there may still be a few
darling, I'm always near
watching over you.



*s.mndi

In a town just up the mountain
straight out of an old John Wayne movie
where there's no parking lots
just places to tie up your horse
and the jail has one cell
and you'd expect to see Billy the Kid
breaking out of it any minute now
joshua trees
and tumble weeds
and all the bars have swinging doors
and there's a coffin leaning up against one of the walls
of the bar with the swinging doors
that's where you took me to your favorite place in the whole world
a restaurant
where a different band plays every night
with a different sound and a different look
from ones composed of old hippies and cowboys
playing their accordions and mandolins
singing old folk songs that everybody just knows
you don't know how you know
you just do
and then to the band of kids
straight out of suburbia
singing songs about ******* and heartache
with their hair slicked back
and their pants rolled up
and their moms are sitting right there
in a table right in front of the stage
eating burgers and salads and talking about the burgers and salads
then there's the girl from New York
she spells her name real weird and keeps her hair long and flowing
just like her dress
and she sings about empty motel rooms
and the Bhagavad Gita
and she tells stories in between songs
and there's writing all over the bathroom walls
little gems like
"what would Joan Jett do?"
or
"punks not dead, punks sleepin' drunk"
but mostly
just names of lovers in hearts
sometimes just initials like a secret code only they know
and the dates that they became lovers
there's paintings on all the doors
horses and hookers and cowboys under the stars
and all the walls around the stage
are covered in license plates
one from California from 1939
one shaped like a bear from Canada
one from Saskatchewan
wherever that is
and all the drinks
come in mason jars
and all the candles on the tables do too
and none of the chairs match
but that just makes them all unique
you're sitting in a one of a kind
but the whole place is really one of a kind
and that's why it's her favorite
she finds all these things to be just beautiful
not to mention the bartender keeps giving her free drinks
because it's her birthday and they take her word for it
and she's making friends with all the hippies
and she's dancing under the strings of lights
and we're kissing under the dark black sky
and I've never seen her so happy.


*s.mndi

I woke up next to you that morning, with bruises and bite marks on my arms that proved you loved me the night before. You kissed them and I swear I heard them sigh.
But that same night, you left me again. What changed in you within that day I'm still unsure. But you told me I could no longer be a priority to you. And I felt all my importance disappear in an instant.
It all made sense to me after that, though. The bruises, I mean. You left a mark so I would remember you even after you left. You even kissed them goodbye.
And then you disappeared as well.


↠mndi➣

well you've been all over the place
born and raised in the southern states
dragged back to california
but you had nothing going for you
so you moved up north to the bay
san francisco livin', drank your life away
ended up in rehab with a price to pay
so next came moving day
and you came back down to the palms
and you moved back into your moms
but we fell in love and you started staying with me
we had it good until you needed to get free
so you got a little place downtown
didn't take long til you stopped coming around
but I know that's nothing new
that's what you do
you make a place your own and then you move
you're there to have fun
and when it's done you're on the run
so really what I'm saying is
there's no place you're from
just places you've been
and getting you to stay was battle I couldn't win.


                                                          ­       *smndi

I'm battling my own demons while at the same time fighting off hers
like a prince slaying dragons for the princess
she never asked you to, but you do it anyways
don't get me wrong
she's no damsel in distress
she's her own knight in toughest armor
but you're still there
to pull the sword from the stone
when she just can't find the strength
to kiss her awake
when she can't get herself out of bed
to free her from whatever tower
she's locked up inside of
because my life may not be a fairytale
but I'll be ****** if I don't make hers feel like one.


ᴍjᴍ

My brother, it's as if we're speaking of a ghost
when we speak of you.
Your name
constantly accompanied by
"remember when"s and "I miss"es.
But you're not gone,
you're just away
on a little trip that turned
into an extended stay.
But it's no vacation paradise.
It's like you took a one way flight
into a bird cage
and you watched the door slam shut
right behind you
with nothing you or I could do.
And it pains me to see
because you're such a free spirit
but they strapped a name tag to you
and made you their pet.
Threw you in with the convicted rest
until you rebelled
and they kept you by yourself.
Well over a year spent in solitude
and when they let you out
you weren't the same.
And mom, she wasn't either.
I swear I saw her flinch every time she heard your name.
Little brother, he's the spitting image of you.
Like he's trying to make up for your loss.
A stand in
a mini me
every time he laughs it's your face I see.
He wears your hat every single day
and it breaks my heart
he wants to be just like you
and I pray he doesn't take after your bad parts too.
You're coming home soon
and as happy as I am
I'm scared to death it won't be long
before you're back at it again.
Rehabilitated is an empty word
you know what it means but it's something you've never heard.
You are what you will always be.
Even if what you're not is free.


*s.mndi

I am my father's daughter
the apple of his eye
that didn't fall too far from his tree
the fruit of the same loom
that I use to weave my web of lies
always shady
like I'm perpetually standing under those branches

I am my mother's daughter
her second cracked egg
that should have grown into a dove
but came out a vulture instead
didn't need a nudge to leave the nest
I was first to fly the coop
a free bird
while the others flew straight into a cage

Now the tree went up in flames
and took the nest with it
and I'm starting to think that
maybe
I was a Phoenix all along
and from the ashes
comes the new soil
that I need
to grow.


*s.mndi

The urge
to off
the beast
inside
grows as the days
roam on.

The sleek metal
begins to shine
drawing my eyes
to its four
lovely
points.

An attempt
to tempt me.

The rushing water
starts to sing
a siren's tune
as it fills
the pearly tub.

My eager ears
cannot ignore.

With all my self control
I make a deal with myself.

It will not be done
by my own hand
but
if perhaps
an accident does occur,
so let it.

Like maybe
I'll stop wearing my seatbelt
or looking both ways
before crossing the streets
or I'll talk to strangers
or I'll take too many pain killers
in an attempt to **** the pain.
(I know it won't)

I'll simply forsake the struggle
and leave it up to Death
to take care of the rest.

Living has become a hassle.


*s.mndi

You changed me.
You made me better.
You gave me back my sanity -
     you became it.
I didn't need drugs to get away. I needed you.
I escaped to you. And felt safe and free again -
but like never before.
I was getting high without coming down
     and I craved it.
I had no more reasons to search for escapes
and I had no more excuses to defend my findings.
I had to quit everything else
and survive on you
because I had let myself become addicted
and I didn't care
I wasn't scared.
I felt sane again
and it was all thanks to
                                  you.


*s.mndi

poor girl, you're still not seeing it. your sight is selective beyond all repair. but it's not your fault. you only know what you've experienced. you're only seeing what you choose to see. where is your moment of clarity? where is your light bulb, your bright idea? you are only seeing with your eyes but close them
breathe deep
and reflect.
until it all makes sense to you. until you have that piece of mind you so crave.

dig deeper and tell me what you see.


*s.mndi

not many people know what it feels like to cut themselves open in slow motion and feel the blood drops change from raindrops to tidal waves before their very eyes,
that were coincidently dripping too.
similar to the way it felt when my feelings for you started to pour through and all i could do was try to hold them all back and stitch up the cracks before i'd lost too much and fallen too hard, landing in a puddle of red that could very well have been what was left of my broken heart.


↠mndi➣

I rearranged the scars on your arms and formed a roadmap
I asked you to take me somewhere
                                                               and you took my finger
                                           and you traced it down their paths
we went for a walk and
                                                             ­           I went every place
                                                           ­                    met every face
that tried to rip you open
but you sealed yourself back up
and when those scars healed,
then so did you
                                                    like the time your mother left you
you left four scars on your left wrist
and later,
three more on the right
                                                             or when your father left too
you left nine scars on your leg that night
you placed them carefully in a way
so that they spelled out DAD
                                       don't forget the time she broke your heart
you left 12 scars on both your thighs
one for every month you were with her
(you still stayed six months after that)

there is a pattern of broken hearts
but i won't be another scar.
                                                        i erased the lines on the map
                                                          we forgot they ever existed.


                                                          *smn­di

The way the sunlight tiptoes in through the cracks of the blinds each morning to kiss you awake, well I could swear it rises just for you.


                                                          ­                   *mndi.

sew my eyes shut
no I don't want to see again
I want to learn to see within
I don't want to see myself
in all my glorious filth
point me to the sun
eyes wide open and run
let my demons out on the way
gotta be clean for judgement day
nobody wants a *****
a home wrecking bore
all she does is take take take
self destructive nature
is the downfall to her fate
you'd think she has no ears
ignoring the bad things that she hears
how can you possibly stay?
get out now, baby, run away
close your eyes and count to three
spin in circles, now you're free
don't go back, they're history
come on, baby, now you're free
run further than the eyes can see


*s.mndi

i had dreams of meeting outer space
running laps around the rings
alien murmurs like whispered sweet nothings
snorting cosmic dust
leads to
eyes that grow like eclipses
starlight sticking to my skin
initials carved in moon rocks
hurled through the stars like a telegraph service
it wasn't until i met you
that i felt the gravitational pull
it was you holding me to the earth
i didn't mind
suddenly space felt empty
it was small and you were vast
i pulled my head out of the clouds
and laid it on your chest
your eyes shone with the glitter of the cosmos
putting the twinkling stars to shame
black holes were filled
in me and in the universe
i stopped yearning for the undisturbed quiet
the minute i heard your heartbeat
through thin fabric and skin
and as cold as it was above the atmosphere
it was no comparison to the cold felt
when your body was away from mine
similar to how the moon would feel
should the sun ever cease to shine on it
the chill of unprepared absence
you became the center point
a bouquet of warmth and light
and life on earth
without you
was no longer possible


                                                      ­        *smndi

when it rains, it pours
and i've been living in a flood
we used to dance in the rain
and kiss with raindrops on our lips
but now i find you under an umbrella
telling me
you're tired of being wet.
i don't know how to stop the storm
i just try to stay afloat
but without you there to play with me
without my baby keeping me company
it's getting harder to keep swimming
i'm not playing in the rain anymore
i'm just trying not to drown



                                                         *smndi

as I stared at the face
in the all grey sky
trying to decide if his lips were curving into a smile
or a frown
I waited for a sign.
a blink
a wink
some kind of change
anything
to let me know that I was part of the universe.
but all that I was seeing
was the face
fading slowly
as the clouds kept rolling on
and the face
disappeared
without a trace

and maybe that was the sign.


*s.mndi

Do not deny me the simple privilege of expressing to you all the truths that I see. The pleasure in speaking my feelings. I need to tell you that you are beautiful. I need to say it.
I need to put it out there into the world and hear it.
I need to remind you, as well as myself, how lucky I am to be staring at something so divine.
Because oh god, you are what beauty is.
In every sense and tense of the word.
You are now,
were yesterday,
and will be tomorrow
a creature forged by the godly hands of Aphrodite
in all her glory.
A gift to all around you.
A pleasure to look at,
to speak to,
to think of.
You are a vision and I'd like you to know that.


s.mndi

i wished on a falling star that you would love me back.
the wish, along with the star, seems to have crashed and burned.


↠mndi➣

at night before we go to sleep
it feels as though you're mine to keep

but by the time the mornings here
the love you had has disappeared

I wake up and I'm filled with dread
knowing it's over when we get out of bed

and all day long I hope and yearn
that tonight you will return


*s.mndi

"It's so pretty out today," she said
with a beaming smile on her face
a look of lust in her eyes
staring out the window at the sky
cloud streaked and grey
dark & gloomy at it's finest
she was always most romantic about the darkest things.


*smndi

Honey, pay attention
I've been craving your affection

I've been deprived of you
for too long it's true

I'm going mad without your touch
a simple kiss would mean so much

I know the fun you get from teasing
but just this once, let's skip to pleasing

*s.mndi

Sadness came to me tonight
I said, nope, I'm not ready yet
So I put that sadness in a box
and that box under my bed.

Anger came to visit me next
I said, I'm definitely not ready for you
So I stuffed that anger in a bag
and it went under too.

I thought I was safe for the night
and then in came impending Doom
This one was a little bit stronger
so I had to lock it in it's own room.

So when I saw Pain walking up the street
I knew it was coming for me
I said, I guess it's time to accept defeat
So one by one, I set them all free.

I cried with Sadness
I screamed with Anger
I mourned with Doom
I whined with Pain

And then Happiness came
and I watched the others disappear.
We shared a happy life together
when I finally stopped living with Fear.


*mndi

I know that you don't like to cry
especially not in front of people
especially not in front of me
you know then I'll start crying too
and we just can't both be crying
because then who would be the shoulder?
right, exactly
I also know that you like to feel strong
and you like to take care of yourself
and you're scared to death of depending on anything else
but you're misunderstanding me if you think I'm trying to save you
I don't need to save you
I just need to be there with you through it
even if all you need is for me to lie with you while you cry
a hand to hold
or two to hold you
a kiss on the cheek
or a kiss so deep your mind quiets down for a while
I swear to god I can be so strong for you
if you ever decide you need a little help


↠mndi➣

her veins stick out real dark and her skins as pale as her cigarette smoke.
they look like deep blue rivers running through the snow.
her lips look like rose petals floating in milky waters.
and they're soft like them too.
her eyes are the beautiful red brown color of the trees,
surrounded by snow.
and the way they light up when she looks at me,
it's as if they're wrapped in christmas lights too.
her hair as dark as the winter night sky and soft as the light of the stars.
and her skin, always cold to the touch.
no matter how close we're cuddled together,
pretending it's for the warmth but really it's for the pleasure,
her skin always feels like an ice skating rink
and my fingers turn into little ice dancers and figure skaters,
giving her even more chills.
and when she moans, and i can see the fog of her breath rolling out,
i can't tell you how good it feels to literally watch the pleasure escape from her.
or when her entire body shutters under mine
and i know it's not because she's cold.
she's like my favorite season come to life
and maybe that's why i adore her so much.


                                                              ­                        ↠mndi➣

i'll make believe
i never saw your face
beneath the moon

but that glow will forever
haunt me

and i'll long for you
every n i g h t