nothing causes greater inner termoil
then a friend who pushes our truth further into us
when we finally have the courage to share

religious trauma
indoctrination
poisonous pedagogy
spiritual manipulation
emotional exhaustion
submission
possession
religious duality
child abuse
psychological distress
isolation
grief
recovery
ambivalance
self-actualization
­self-soothing
safety
trust
autonomy
freedom

just as the braces of an adolescent teen bend and mold through force and binding
as does your love for me

Your smile is a fond memory
Though I remember it faintly
I care about your happiness
Sending warm regards
and thoughtfulness
May you be happy and have peace of mind
May your happiness flourish
and your heart feel kind
May you appreciate your feelings of joy
and simply remember
Your peace is a choice

Your lies are as pale as the backside of my thighs
The worst shade really

Too much time has been spent focusing on the past
Without it this reality would not exist
But settling in the comfort of familiarity is not growth

This new reality is the next step
It's uncomfortable
But there's no more time
for experiments
test runs
or observation

Time to glance ahead
With feet planted in the present
Not because the future is bright
Like everyone chatters about
But because it's coming
And it's coming now

Hard lessons have yet to be learned
Deaths and heartbreak will be mourned
Catastrophies will turn back the clock
Undoing everyone's hard work

Only so much growth can sprout from the nutrients of one event
And survival results in a layer of strength just to be worn off by the next wave

How oddly romanticized
the word "muse" has become
For my muses have been nothing but vexing
and dumb

Meeting with you and seeing you once again...
After all of this time, is it sad of me to say?
That not much has changed
Now that my eyes are open
And my defenses are up
I feel as if I see the picture as a whole
Just as before, you put your heart before mine
Even though I only could tell for half a second

It was all I needed to counter the bit if desire I still have
To reach into the past
Recollecting what was shattered
It's nothing but a dream

This terms of this relationship has never been up to me
Not with us
Not with you
I have no choice
Except to linger or disappear

Lingering means you, even if it's just a piece
Disappearing means freedom
I don't really have a choice do I...
Freedom is bittersweet
And never really feels like freedom at all

Although a lot of if's cross my mind
I know none of it could fool anyone
Everything between us has died
And I am content
I've had my closure
The best that it's going to get

"Falling in love"
is the perfect description
The fear-filled sensation of anti-gravity
The wonder of the unknown
The adrenaline pulsing
Keeping me going
Falling
for you in every way

The game of Life acts as a diary;
a replica of our Momentous actions in part
With my mental issues, trust issues, and tramas
I started 20 spaces behind the start

Generations below me pass me by rapidly
conquring the board without a care
I crawl one space forward completely winded
the game of Life isn't fair

I must keep my eyes, my head, and my hopes down
For if I squint to see the end on the horizon
It's not only far away
but potentially just an illusion

Moments come and moments pass
Everything acting in a fluid motion
Swirling and foggy
Nothing is clear
The world, my mind, my body

What's real and what's fake
Fake news and fake currency
How can I escape
The world, my mind, my body

Bursting but trapped by the last thread
A cloud of illusion leaks in
I breathe it out, I breathe it in
Somebody please come save me
From...
The world, my mind, my body

I wish you would die
And I wish someone would end you
Nothing but a demon,
a thief, a rotten root
Your lies stab at my aged wound
You're petty
And *******

Just shut the hell up already
Before I shut you up myself
You destroyed my life
And still await consequence

I hold myself back every day, don't you see?
So see it as a blessing
And don't you dare test me
From now and for forever
Tiptoe the streets

Fear my flame
Don't laugh like this is a game
My soul is empty, hungry
And I'll haunt you until you drip with insanity
You deserve nothing
No remorse
Just a curse

Clearly you have to be put in your place
A slap across your face
We're both on thin ice
So feed my healing
Because if I ever quit
we both might end up bleeding

And as my life falls into a million pieces
All that remains is my entity
Which continues to be ****** into
The void that is your heart

All physicality long ago dissipated
My flowing spirit takes the easiest path
The travel endless and rocky
Nothing you say is comforting

As there's nothing left for light to be shined upon
I become darkness itself
Alone I wonder
Never to be held
Never to be brightened

Maybe I care too much
or maybe it's the lack of medication
But my mind is overflowing
with constant consternation

When you disappear on me
it's like my heart has gone rogue;
A vast cavern left inside my chest
no tears left to disembogue

But my feelings are very present
A tangled mess of fear and panic
as well as a deep love and longing
everything so fresh and very organic

That's what we have
and that's what we are

unknown
afraid
and passionate
All very chaotic

But one hundred percent real

Where did you go my love?
Please don't keep me waiting long...

Life has many milestones.
Each bringing a significant change to one's life.
Whether that be a birthday, a wedding, a child.
But it's difficult to admit the sadder milestones that we carry with us.
However these negative moments also have a significant effect on us.
This is my list of milestones I hate to admit.
But they have impacted me tramendously.
It's time I released them so I can look ahead.

Molested by a boy at age 4.
Countlessly ***** by my sister starting at age 5.
***** by my therapist at age 7.
Beat by my sister throughout childhood.
Bribed and verbally abused by my step father to condition me to keep my issues to myself.
Traumatized at 10 by my father and his ex due to a domestic abuse situation.
Almost drowned from my first public panic attack at age 16.
Harassed by a man at a concert at age 20.
Endured the hell that relationships always bring.
Attempted suicide twice at age 21.
And a man attempted to **** me at a party last week while I was intoxicated.

I know I'm not the only one with these difficult memories.
And knowing I'm not alone will always be my comfort.
But I'm letting it all out;
purging out the evil so I can be releaved.
And now my hope is to heal and become whole again in the healthiest way possible.

I can overcome these milestones.
I know I can.

With the force of like sides of a magnet I push people away
Constantly unable to touch or come close
But nothing I could do could prevent our opposition from bringing us closer together
The differences of our upbringing make us both mysteries to one another
With every piece of information I am able to take in of you, I crave more
My attraction for you is unquestionable
That, we have in common
Fears from the past rest in my heart, but I lose touch of everything when we're together
I absorb your beauty, your voice, your touch as often as I can
Chemicals flood my brain and pulsates through my veins with just one look
Your perfection scares me
As does your imperfection
But I'd be scared regardless
I want nothing more than to see what we'll become
What we'll grow together to become
As we move forward and grow together as our own entity
It may not be easy
But I know she's worth it

You're no longer the person I knew
Or the person I fell in love with
It breaks my heart to think that when the love between us ended
That was the last time I'd ever know you again
The moment it stopped you became a stranger
But worse than that, you were a monster
I was beyond close and intimate with you
We were walking side by side through life
Only for you to dump me
Nothing more than trash is how you treated me
And I hate what you became, the words you said to me
I fully hate who I am now and regret so much of my life
I lost my best friend
And I miss them
But they're dead and can never come back
**** do I miss them
What's wrong with me?
I just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay
Because my words are meaningless to myself
I just need someone else

I spend all day begging for my head to come in contact with a pillow
But when the clock finally permits this
I lie awake

For hours on end my mind is filled with noise and my heart feels hollow
Why do I still suffer like this
For goodness sake

I'm unable to feel sadness thanks to the medications I swallow
And the happiness I get from a kiss
Feels entirely fake

I know this is better than suffocating in the deepest shadow
That extended from my past
But still I ache

Back at it again
Knife in hand
But it's not the blood I want
It's the pain
The pain just makes it all go away
It's distracting
It's grounding
It makes me feel like I can control
what's around me;
what's happened to me

What's happened to me?

I don't really care about my past
I just know I don't want a future
The present is such an impossible inbetween
And I'm stuck

This isn't what I want
This isn't what others want for me
But their expectations
Their glances
I just want to go unnoticed
In the dark and in the quiet
Unloved and unwanted

Fear itself
in its most addicting form.

You had yet to discover that you were polyamorous
and I was purely monogamous
but we were in love

I just wanted you
but you wanted others
as well as me

When we first met
you looked at me as if I were the only person
that sees the world as you do

After years of beautiful memories
your eyes no longer looked at me that way
and you broke my heart as well as my trust

But instead of seeing yourself as a cheat
and begging for forgiveness
you asked me to accept this new side of you

Polyamory...
am I terrible for not being open minded enough
to accept this new and mysterious concept?

Because I can't help but see it as
a pathetic excuse
for you to hide behind
instead of facing the truth