I want to hear your voice.
I want to see you smile.
I wish I could hug you.
Keep you safe.
Hold you in my arms.
And tell you I am proud of you.
You're my precious friend.
I will always protect you at any cost.
Too bad Skype is the closest we can get.
I wish I could meet you my dear friend.

An old radio playing a new pop song in the background.
Some birds in the trees outside.
A family member cooking in the kitchen.
The breathing of your lover in the early morning.
Happy laughter from your neighbours house.

I can't get no air.
Not enough.
My chest hurts.
Panic.
What's happening?

Slowly calming down again.
Oxygen.
Being able to move.
Finally.
That was strange.

In pain again.
The feeling of not getting enough air.
It happens a lot.
Random moments of pain.
And breathing diffeculties.

It is just stress.
I tell myself.
This makes me feel sick.
Most likely it is just stress.
Thank you stress for everything.

Breathe in,
the fresh air,
of a lovely spring day.

Feel the air fill your lungs,
giving you energy.

And smell the scent of sweet flowers,
it's magical how such a small plant can make your day.

Feel the sun warm on your skin.
It gives energy and warmth to all.
And all for nothing.

Breathe in deep.
Simply because you can.
Breathing is nice.

Just keep it simple.
Enjoy the small things.
Just breathe

You think I romanticise suicide?
That I can find glory in death?

You're wrong.

I don't hope for romance, there is no romance in laying six feet deep.

Being defeated by your own mind holds no glory, there is no pride in suicide.

You say...
Get over it.
You can fight this.
It's only in your mind.

And you're right.

It's only im my mind so stop telling me how I feel.

So shut up.

I know it's weak.
Selfish... but it is my choice.
I know you think it's a choice to be happy.
If it was did you really think I would choose this?

sadness
pain
depression

Suicide

Trying to write a goodbye.
Wondering about the music for my funeral.

Suicide

I'm always scared but fighting.
I am weak but never giving up.
Never giving in.

I don't think this is fun.
This is suicide your talking about.
No romance.

Empty of joy and glory.
Suicide.
A way out.

For walls and a roof... sitting on the floor.
Broken dreams are like shattered glass.
Don't move! You will get hurt.
You will always get hurt when your dreams are broken and your hopes shattered.

The light is broken and it's dark outside.
Can't tell where there is a door or window.
Escape out of side. So why look for it?
You will only get dissapointed when you hope to find something in the utter dark.

Word for word.
A poem devolopes
Death, death, death.
An ongoing story of sadness.
Pain, pain, pain.
Hopelessness.
Each word rhymes with suicide.
Word for word.
A testament of my pain.
Every word another story.
Word for word.
A story is created.
Every word holds emotions.
And lost hopes.

But writing them down saves me,
from ending my own.
So bare with me as I write.
Because as long as I keep writing,
the story continues.

I don't believe in life after death.
Someone once asked me if that didn't scare me.
I said no because that means I won't have to live another life



*Living hurts and I don't want the only thing that will stop the pain forever to hurt as well

I feel sick
I am not doing well
I am falling every day
Breathing under water
Drowning in my pain
I want throw up
Headache and dizzy
No freaking fun
Mind racing or incredibly slow
Thoughta suffecating me
I want it to go away
Anxiety and fear
Sadness overwhelming me
Battling myself
It makes me sick
It drains me
I wish I could just say goodbye
But I have to keep fighting
Don't let it win

Sure I breath
I do have a pulse
I still excist
But I am not living
I am just waiting for death to end this
I am already dying inside
But my existence is never fading
I am still here
Breathing they same air as you

Being used to wanting to die,
Being used to wanting to die makes it easier and harder,
Because what if I don't remember what it is like to want to live?

The moon is up,
high in the sky.
Just beyond my reach,
at least in reality.
For in my dreams everything is possible.
Even touching the moon.

How do we stay sane in a world of madness?

I am falling...
deep
...into the darkness...
I can't see a thing
...of my own mind.
there is no light

Am I insane?
Save me please

I am falling
*deep into the darkness

My voice soft as I comfort her...
Everything will be okay.
My little sister nods and dries her tears...
Heard broken by the mean words of a friend.

All will be fine

All will be fine...
I have told her that so often.
Yet I didn't believe that for my future.
I can't even picture my future.

When will all be fine?

Something sad on tv.
My mom is clearly upset.
I give her a hug and a smile.
I am sad to but didn't pay attention to the tv.

I lie to her...
All is fine

Yes dad I know you are mad.
And I have no reason to cry.
I am sorry.
I live a happy life and yet I cry.

A happy life?

Sure I live a happy life.
A good life.
I have everything.
Yet I feel a lack of happiness.

I am so sad and depressed.

But when one asks.
I lie.
I don't want to hurt them.
I don't want to worry them.

I lie.

I try to protect others from getting hurt.
Like when they know I am in pain,
They will have to endure it too.
So I lie.

I have a good life.

I just want to die.
But I never say.
I always lie.
I am okay.
I am fine.

I am simply living a lie.

I can't get out of bed,
Anxiety too bad.
I can't focus on his words,
Too busy planning my own death.
Can't work well,
Too tired.
I slept well,
I am just so depressed.
Can't they tell?

Life is beautiful
Full of wonderful people
Books to read
Places to visit
Friends to make
And new dishes to try
Life is beautiful and filled with promises
Yet it's so tempting to die

If I could only slide my wrists and die...
If I only could leave this place behind...
If I only could OD on some pills or...
Jump of a building so high...

I fear I did be gone by now
Weren't it for those people who care
That I am fighting

I want to die
Hurt myself
Commit suicide
But I promised them not too

And as I decided that I wanted to be buried in a black coffin,
I realised I am far more suicidal than I thought.

I want to sleep. I am tired.
I don't want to wake up until it's all over.
I am exhausted. I don't want to anymore.
I want to go to sleep and wake up over a thousand years.
Or maybe later. I don't know.
I don't think I really care whether I wake up or not.

We were on the train,
Traveling from Amsterdam back home.
There was this adorable little kid,
He asked me to play with his toy car.
We played for about fifteen minutes,
Before his mom said he had to go,
The little kid was so upset and yelled:
But I want to keep playing with that boy.
He made my day.
He was closer to the true than everyone else,
Correcting his so called mistake.
That adorable little kid made my day by calling me a boy,
And for now one person is enough.

Soft moonlight in the clear winter night,
Embracing the old trees in a creepy yet beautiful light.

Snow falling down on the path,
This night not walked by anything but a street cat.

The cold is everywhere you go ,
Cold and dark all around you.

The world is white,
It is winter outside.

Winter outside the warm houses of this lovely town,
The people drinking hot chocolate and enjoy the view.

Respect for everyone on here who acts so sweet,
Little acts of kindness everywhere,
Intelligent poetry and clever comments,
Supportive people and sometimes a kind private message.
Being on here restores my faith in humanity.
The people on here are beautiful, all in their own way.
Never I will say without flaws, we are all humans here.
No, we aren't without flaws, that us the best part,  we accept each others flaws.
Respect for everyone here who votes on my poetry.
I am happy with people like you.
And the nice comments on here, on my works and on the works of others, I am proud to be part of this community.
And to anyone who send me kind private messages, you are the best.
Respect for everyone on here, first of all for being human beings.
Secondly because you being so wonderful.
Respect and thank you

We are dancers,
Teardrops form a sad melody,
Forsaken in the crying woods of death,
Missery and sorrow join us.
We are dancers,
You and me,
Our sadness forms the beat,
Dancers of the national ballet of depression.
We are dancers,
You and me.

Dear people,
I wanted to create a group chat with people from the LGBTQ+ community on Hello Poetry,
A place where we can share our problems, seek advice, give tips and talk.
A chat where people can find support and people who they can identify with.
The group is open to join, I used the application called Kik.
The name of the group is: HelloPoetryLGBTQ+

Don't think for a second I am going to wear a dress and watch Titanic or The Notebook with you- We are going to have a Firefly marathon whit too much food and I'll wear a hoodie, or Watch Mad Max Fury road, but darling, don't expect me to be like the other girls- on somedays I even ain't one, and even when I am- Star Wars and Harry Potter are still favorite- Star Trek and Supernatural, Sherlock and Doctor Who, so you better keep up with my geekyness or you won'the know when I love you.
I love you- I know
Because sweetie I am a geek and a fangirl ;)

It makes me sad to see how fragile your happiness can be.
I wish I could see you smiling for ever.
Not because you are the most beautiful when you smile, you are still beautiful in your pain.
I just wish you never had to know pain.
I want you to be happy because you deserve it.

Some times I look up to the sky and think,
Did I lose it all?
But when I stare at the sky for long,
And the night falls I remember why the darkness is there,
To give the stars an opportunity to shine.
And those days I know that even in the dark there can be beauty,
I just have to wait long enough for the stars to appear,
So I go on and wait for my smile to shine as bright as the stars again.

I used to be that happy little girl who danced trough the streets, smiled at everyone she met.
Now I am that depressed boy who locks himself up in his room, never comming out, because people might notice his *****.
Oh, the difference between this two.
But both are part of me and my past.
Who will I tomorrow be?

In the mirror,
Sadness reflected.
Shattered dreams,
And hopeless smiles.
In the mirror I stare,
seeing thousand of broken pieces.
Empty eyes,
waiting for death to come out of the mirror.

You can beat us to the ground, hurt us.
Ignore our screams.
Pretened that we are fine.
Because kids can't be depressed.
You can tell us how to live and feel.
Tell us our demons are not real.
But we are just other human beings.
Looking for their own indentity.
Going trough darker times.
Just younger but not untouched by pain.
Just because we are younger doesn't mean we can't be hurt.
So yes you can be ignorant.
You can tell us that we lie.
But that won't help us.
Won't change a thing.
We are the depressed teenagers.
And we can't do anything about it.
So please stop reminding us that we should be happy.
That our teens are the best times of our lifes.
Cause if depression is the best we will get,
how much must aldult life **** then?

Am I loosing myself?
Or did I years ago?
Is that why I feel so empty inside?

How much do we do to keep our minds occupied?
How far do we go?
Where do we stop?
How much more can we do not feel the pain in our hearts?
When will be our lookinf away, our hiding the end of us?
How long can we keep living like this?
How much more can we take before our worlds finaky colaspe.
And we will have to think and feel.
I fear we can't keep going on like this forever.
keeping our minds occupied so we won't think about what truely matters.

tell me...
tell me this isn't real...
tell me he aint gone...
tell me I will see his smile again...
tell me...
...please...
tell me...
that losing him was only a bad dream.

I want to fall in love.
And want someone to return that love.
I want someone to love.
Someone who will be my light.
In this world of dark thoughts.
Someone who will be there.
Someone who will smile at me and laught with me.
I want to fall in love with someone and I want this person to return my love.
So we can both be happy,
together.

Somewhere between sane and insane dwells the lonely poet's soul.

That we are no boys nor girls.
Neither male or female.
Don't fit in the system.
That we are non-binary.
Doesn't make us any less real.
We are just genderqueer.
Don't forget about us.
We excist.
We are just non-binary.
Genderqueer.
Gender fluid.
Agender.
Transgender.
Multigender.
Genderbi.
We are still humans.
We just have a non-binary gender.
That is all.

I told you that you were like the stars and the moon to me.
That you were the sun lighting my day.
I told you that I loved you.
And all you said was...
The sun is a star
Your voice flat.



Then a smile broke trough on your face.
I love you too.
Was what you said.
You told me you could see the stars in my eyes.


From then on the night sky was a symbol of our love.
And the sun stood for our friendship.
Our undying love, passion and friendship.

Thank you my love.
My moon.
My stars.
My sun.

when I fall will you be there to catch me?* I asked.
yes was your reply.
-sorry- not yours.
I mistook the floors reply for yours.
You only laughed.
No, seeing you falling is much more fun you said.
From then on the floor and I were closer than you and me.

Not a girl nor a boy but still a person.

Am I the only one who wonders,
what ants do all the time?
When they walk seemingly without a pattern,
do they know where they are going?
What do ants think of us, do we scare them,
or are we not importand enough to care about?
How do they communicate?
Can they be sad?
I keep thinking about the ants?
Do they ever think like this, about the flies? Or spiders, or butterflies?
Who will ever know...

Even if I lived a thousand years I would not find the words to describe the beauty of a kind and happy smile.

sitting in the garden
watching a spider
poor thing
has only
seven legs left
but
walks so fast
the spider is
so much like
every other
little
spider
but
with only seven legs
this spider is still
a spider
even though
it has seven legs
it still walks
so fast as any other
spider

why can't I care wether I live or die tonight?

Thinking and feeling scares me.
And that is not okay.

Oh little child.
Don't judge.
Show some respect.
For an old man who thought the war.
Fought for our freedom.
For someone who is openly gay.
Someone who does nothing but love.
Show some respect.
Don't judge.
Just because someone is not like you.
Show some respect.
Oh little child.
Help making this world a better place.

When I dress up in completely black, they maybe get the message, and leave me alone, or maybe help me.

Music playing too loud.
It disracts me from my thoughts.

A hero in a book or movie.
Fighting the evil queen.
Reclaming a homeland-or mountain.
Saving the world with a companion in a blue boxs.
Leading a rebelion.
Beind captain of a ship- Serenity or the USS Enterpise.
Cathing a serial killer.
Or stopping a psychotic well dressed villian.
One man or woman saving the world.
When I was younger I wished I could be like them.
But now I can barely fight the demons in my mind.
Why would I dream of saving the day when I am not sure I want to live another day?
Life is no fairy tail.
This is not Middle-Earth or Narnia.
There are villians and monsters yes but not ones that we can defeat during wizzard chess or with a want or lazer sword.
They are just as real and dangerous.
But the live in our minds.
I tried to run from the watching tv series and movies and reading books.
Dreaming of another life.
But eventualy the demons got closer to chatching up.
And no hero will be able to safe me.
I will have to fight the monsters in my head myself, all on my own.
And I hope that I will be strong and brave enough when that time comes.

when you're born a girl.
But don't feel like one.
When you are forced to go swimming and expose your body.
The one that causes all the pain and dysphoria.
Oh how much it ***** having boys staring at your *****.
When you want to be one of them.