Oh, what a sweet community
That was built for me
In your captivity
You said God loved me
As much as his son
Thats why he left me to die.

I have dreamt of this many times
The warm hand resting on my ribcage
Rolling over to find love sleeping soundly
Gentle calls of frustration about running out of cream
Rushing out the door, late due to too long kisses goodbye
Simple little dreams of simple little pleasures
Yet when I find them I feel like a ghost
Hollow and never quite present
Seeing it all unfold but it passes right through me
I have never belonged in my dreams
Because I dream of being someone else.

Death is such a simple thing
To have made living so complex
To grow around an absence
Is to change your shape completely.

******* tilt his head
And inspect pupils too large
And breaths to shallow
******* scoop *****
And rot out of his mouth
While he lays there immobile
******* dial 911
While he spews hatred
For you, his rescuer
His family, his only friend
******* turn a key
Locking a door for the last time
Leaving you behind.

There is more than one way to skin a cat
And there is more than one way to break a heart
I'm surprised you don't know this by now
You don't always have to rip it into shreds
With your bare hands tensed in rage
Intentionally destroying the pulsating thing you hold
You do not always have to spill it's blood
Watching the thick red liquid congeal on the floor
You need not always fill it with shame
Ridiculing it's nature, the way it beats, it's purpose
Until it's too small to believe in itself
All you need is to be loved by that heart
And every time you walk away it will follow
Pieces of it sewn into your jacket pocket
Or dangling proudly around your neck
And when you leave that jacket in a haunted house
With a haunted soul that robbed you of safety
I will not get that piece of me back
When the bright and beating pendent resting on your clavicle
Is torn off and lost in someone's couch cushions
The same place you lost your dignity and self worth
I will not get that piece of me back
My heart is sewn onto yours like a patchwork quilt
And whenever your heart breaks, mine does too
Wherever your blood is spilt, my heart is stained red too
There is more than one way to skin a cat
And there is more than one way to break a heart.

A world of chaos fell into silence
The stillness slowly sank into her
Warmth crept into chilled bones
As the dust settled, she wondered
"Is it wrong of me to be this safe,
And be lonely for my old fears?"

There are words
Tumbling round
This brain
Like heavy rocks
In a washing machine
Watch them now
Tumble out
They will pummel you
As they have me
You will see
What you made
Inside of me

Is it relapse if it's not a drug?
Is it a drug if I have to hide it?

The greatest suffering
Isn't the suffering itself
But the pain that comes
When it ends
And we know not
Who we are without it

The moon and the star
Laid back in the sky
Discussing their grievances
"I am just a lifeless rock"
Said the moon
"At least you never have to die"
Said the star
"Yes, but you are at least shiny and dead."

I want to feel alive
To see that old spark back in my eyes
But there is never quite enough
No matter how I try
My lips taste of poison
But my mind feels washed and clean
A brand new look
For a worn out fiend
I can laugh at the smallest things
But bleed from the smallest smile
Lost? Broken? I've known all along
I'm not in denial
My skin hides my secrets
The blood that runs white
When my mistress, she calls
I can't put up a fight
A lust like no other
An ever swelling greed
Like angry waves attack the sea
Wash over me
She knows what I need,
She knows what I need
I don't know where I'm going
Or what to hear, see and speak
But I'll be okay as reality fades
Cling to the hope that this isn't me
I laugh and force a smile
To distract from my bloodshot eyes
Soon I'll ask glass Angels
To put truth into these lies
To numb me while I cry
They fly into my lungs and promise to try
I need to be free
And wear their wings
Escape from the puppet master
Always pulling on my strings
But I remain a song
That's known but no one sings
I'm just a tortured, dark thing
An empty, dark thing.

Stumbling into a room
Innebriated, flushed
Sweat collects heavily
Over your brow
A shaky forefinger
Thrown into faces
Of strangers in the hall
And then back at me
Swears used as adjectives
You tell the tales
Of the disappointment
You can't help but feel
When you look at me
I find myself apologizing
For carrying your genes
For knowing you
For being born with your name
I find myself apologizing
And though I don't say it
I'm really apologizing
For not being as valuable
To you as whiskey.

When you forgave me
The weight finally settled in
Forgiveness stole away rage
God, God, God
Not again
What have I done this time
The dog asks
After it bit another gentle hand
If only you knew
The first hand
And the weight it carried
While it swung
If for pity or love
You stay
Oh, how tired you will grow
Carrying out the sentence
For a crime you didn't commit

You are a collector
Of beautiful things
Art and artifacts
You can dust off
To show your friends
Turn the lights off
When they leave
For beauty is only real
If it makes others
Feel ugly.
I finally understand
Why you only call me
When you're with them
And stop holding me
When they leave.

I say hello and smile
At the same man every day
Never more words shared
Than can be said while walking by
I like him more than everyone else
I don't know what he thinks
Or what he feels
Or what keeps him up at night
Or the wounds that lie beneath his smile
And that is just perfect for me
He can't be ruined
And he cannot ruin me
I have never known a good love
I have never loved very well
So I consider these hello's
To be the most lovely words
Ever spoken
Such a small happiness
In dreaming a small dream

It's not as if
It was the end of the world
Or like I didnt pull through
And survive that moment
It's just that
My entire world changed
And the parts of me that I loved
Didn't make it out alive

I refuse to believe
That I am defective
I will not apologize
For the scar tissue
Proclaiming evidence
Of my battles
I did not start my war
I was not born
Fighting and clawing
I learned to do this
To win the wars
Waged upon me
I refuse to believe
That I am defective
My scar tissue shows
The wars I chose to finish

The only thing I need
Right in this moment
Is someone's eyes on me
Saying I'm fine
This weather scares me
The storm and I
Are about to break

Stumbling in unceremoniously
To perform the theft of me
I had never been afraid
Until you taught me I should be

"I want you" is not the same as "You are a priority"
"I am trying" is not the same as change.

I will not
Breathe life
Into the past
Dead is dead.

I looked at you today
Something was different
Your sea blue eyes
Faded to worn denim
The hair I once fixed
Combing with my fingers
Looked wild, unkempt
In need of a brush
The one track mind
Charming boyish naivety
Sounded self centered
Exhaustingly unaware
I looked at you today
No longer enamoured
I hope that your mirror
Is less fickle than I

Fears don't need to be decisions
Sadness doesn't need to be a fact
Anger shouldn't be an action
Shame doesn't have to be a self image
These are just feelings
They are not definitions
Of your being

I love you's
Were for goodbyes
They were paired
With apologies
With excuses
With control
I love you's
Meant "I own you"
And now
They mean nothing to me
Unless they hurt

Maybe I needed you to walk into my healing
In order for me to let you walk out of my wounds

Sunshine drips off of my skin
Pools on your sternum
Stars escape my eyes
Form constellations on your shoulder
I am bleeding galaxies
Sharing my veins with you
Blinding light pours from my mouth
You refuse to swallow it
Sit in the dark if you must, my love
I will never stop shining

When I'm sad I like to think about traffic,
The way it might feel if a car swerved,
And every one of my bones crushed all at once.
When I'm happy I think about traffic,
How terrifying it would be if a car swerved,
And I lost everyone and everything all at once.
I'm in love with you like I love oncoming traffic.

He is cut from marble
Stoic, reformed, awe inspiring
Smells of mountain tops
Rain washed stone
Just as cold and clean
Voice unwavering
Could command war fleets
A murderous disinfectant
With a one track mind
Unloving, unlovable
He was leaned on
Never leaned into

Truth is not beautiful
When spoken without thought
This was not a treasure chest
I held the key for
Rather one I found propped open
It was not earned
Nor mine to claim
Yet I find myself filling my pockets
With the trinkets and gold
That come tumbling out of your mouth
Ground between teeth
Leaving your speech unintelligible
I will bury this beneath my own treasure
Leaving a map for you
To never use

I don't want enough
I want more than enough
I want one thousand,
One hundred thousand
Enoughs
I want enough to feel like
Nothing.

You are small
But you will grow
The grass will not always
Look like a forest to you
You will forget to relish the feeling
Of dirt between your toes
Your alarm will go off one morning
And you will make your way to work
And you will crush grass beneath your feet
Absent mindedly
Instead of eyeing it with wonder
And wondering what magic
Placed it there for you to play in
You will mow your lawn, and I'm sure
That you will ***** about it too
You are small, but you will grow
And the grass and I will miss you

I don't have to earn
The happiness I feel
Because I exist
It is my right
To feel
Whatever I want
Yet I find myself
Measuring my days
Calculating my
Daily allowance
Of laughter
And booking in
The appropriate hours
To doubt myself

You think of me when you're drunk
In the midnight hours, in the dark
I wonder if you wonder about me
In the daylight hours too
When you see sunflowers
Like the one etched on my thigh
The thigh your hand gripped tightly
Whenever you were near me
I wonder if the memories hurt you
The way they have been hurting me
We were better than what we became
After we stopped kissing in the morning
When we decided to be friends
That aren't friendly at all
Stop calling me when you're drunk enough
To acknowledge that I still exist
Because it makes me remember you
And I can't drink you away

Recognition sparks
Sly and toothy grin crawls upwards
Snaking across stubbled cheeks
Mouth ready to sink into soft flesh
I've tasted this venom before
Reminded of the paralysis
That always strikes
In hotel bathrooms
Why are my puncture wounds
More shameful
Than your sharpened teeth?

I waited for you.
For years now
I've been waiting
Putting love aside
In case you arrived
Today, though,
Was the last time
I got to wait around.

You lost your health
Your liver, your life
You chose crystal
Over me, over you
Over everything
You ran out of time
Life couldn't wait.

I struggle to get air
Beneath this mound of earth
I've buried myself in
So ashamed to be this *****
I've forgotten
That beneath the mud
Is where seeds grow

Soft and supple
Sinking in
Velvet flesh
Feels more pelt
Than man
Sweet breath in
Sour breath out
Cough clanging
Against bone
Brown eyes
Begging
Milky eyes
To meet them
You're lost
Subtly fading
Behind failing
Flesh
Come back
To me
Brittle creature
Run home
Again

He has two voices
One is for lying
It sounds almost
Like love
Feels warm and wet
It's for raising
Skin and making
Shivers
It's for winning
Arguments
Changing minds
Bending morals
Unbuttoning shirts
Two is for defying
It sounds like
Seams ripping
Feels like sand paper
It's for saying yes
So loud that
No's are drowned out
It's for cornering
When convincing
Doesn't work
It's for winning
Wars
Closing mouths
Pinning down
For keeping secrets
Kept.

I can no longer be the only one,
The only one that loves you
You have to love yourself too

Skinwalker lover
Call my name again
My heart a peach in your fist
Dripping
Ever longing
More, more, more
Lapping tongue
Starving dog
Cannibalize me
Again
I'll never notice
My pieces missing
Begging for scraps
While your meal
Grows cold

It was as though
A great mountain
Crumbled to dust
Before my eyes
Like watching
A storming sea
Calm it's swells and
Dry up in the sun
The greatest orchestra
Performing symphonies
With broken instruments
For a deaf audience
.......
To first love you
And then to know you.

Why is it that when
I hurt myself
It takes away the
Hurt you caused

The only requirement to be loved in this world
Is to exist.
When a baby is hungry,
Or crying,
Or needs love,
We give them all we can.
They exist.
That's all we ask.
So today, when my stomach growls,
Today, when my heart hurts,
Today, when I need to be held,
I will not look at the tally
On my never ending score card,
And see what I deserve,
Instead,
I will give myself all that I can.
Because I exist.

I didn't say hello
When he walked in
I never say hello
It is a big, big word
A concrete foundation
To make houses in human beings
I can't be sure I want to make my home
Or that I'll know how to find the exit
When the hearth gets cold
And the coffee is stale
When shelter turns to a prison
I stumble out of Saturday morning
It is a big, big word
And he builds big, big houses
But he never feels like home for long

It breathes memories into my charcoaled lungs
The calluses on my palms
The ever lingering self doubt following my every step
Its heart beats in the herb garden on my balcony
Pulses through my broken alabaster skin
And quakes in the grooves of my cracked ribcage
It sleeps on the folded fitted sheets in my cabinet
Stirring restlessly at the smell of stale beer and fresh tobacco
It awakens with a jolt whenever it smells blood
Its stretching into my pinned back colony hair
Weaving its way through the secret stories
Into eardrums saying "you must **** yourself to get out"
This ghost of my family
Whispering commands into my ears
I am only now hearing it's voice
Because I always believed it was mine
This goodbye is not reconciliation with the voices
It is a resurrection of my own.

You forgot you were alive
Long before you died.

"Good morning!"s slowly died out
As did my good mornings

Bare feet sinking into snow
Prickling creeps up my ankles
Little knives embedding and climbing
Swallowing hungrily
Bitter blasts of cold air
Choking, tensing, tightening
Nerves peel back like wallpaper
And I felt it all,
I knew I was still alive

Walmart on a Sunday evening
Feels like my brain
At 4 am
Every thought looks well made
Until I hold them
And feel the lack of substance
And then I realize
How many people I let in
That only came for something to do

How easy it is to forget that we are needed
And how sad we cannot see those that gather
When it is time to say goodbye