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Myrrdin 2d
It breathes memories into my charcoaled lungs
The calluses on my palms
The ever lingering self doubt following my every step
Its heart beats in the herb garden on my balcony
Pulses through my broken alabaster skin
And quakes in the grooves of my cracked ribcage
It sleeps on the folded fitted sheets in my cabinet
Stirring restlessly at the smell of stale beer and fresh tobacco
It awakens with a jolt whenever it smells blood
Its stretching into my pinned back colony hair
Weaving its way through the secret stories
Into eardrums saying "you must **** yourself to get out"
This ghost of my family
Whispering commands into my ears
I am only now hearing it's voice
Because I always believed it was mine
This goodbye is not reconciliation with the voices
It is a resurrection of my own.
Myrrdin 6d
You are a collector
Of beautiful things
Art and artifacts
You can dust off
To show your friends
Turn the lights off
When they leave
For beauty is only real
If it makes others
Feel ****.
I finally understand
Why you only call me
When you're with them
And stop holding me
When they leave.
Myrrdin Feb 9
You took a match to the expectations
I had for falling in love
And walked through my door
On fire
Myrrdin Jan 28
All my life I have kneeled down at your altar
Sacrificing my innocence and self worth
A lamb who's blood would gain me favor
"the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist"
Yes, I worshipped you like a God I was afraid of
Old Testament wrath brewed in our home
And I readied myself to **** what I loved
As Abraham would, as sheep do for their shepherds
For I knew my creator loved me, and called me love
"For he disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child. "
By the stripes inflicted upon me I would be freed
Of this shame and unworthiness you bestowed

But it turns out "Father" does not mean "God"
Sometimes it just means "alcoholic"
Sometimes discipline just means abuse
My faith is now placed in me, and the God that made us both.
Myrrdin Jan 15
I am lucky
She says ardently
So lucky
To be so young
And clean
I do not feel lucky.
My mother recently
Stopped jumping when
The phone rings in the night
Knowing it isn't a call about me
And the ditch I was found dead in
I just remember closing my eyes
When I was in cars with strange men
Afraid to open them just in case
They were the last things I'd ever see
I just remember throwing up in bed
Bed was a bathtub in a bathroom
Without a lock or a blanket
Bed was ***** and hospitals were not
I wanted to die in a hospital
That was my only dream, to die.
So I do not feel lucky to be so young
I do not feel lucky to be clean
I just feel lucky to be alive
And lucky to open my eyes wide
And lucky to have a bed
Without faucets
Myrrdin Jan 5
I have dreamt of this many times
The warm hand resting on my ribcage
Rolling over to find love sleeping soundly
Gentle calls of frustration about running out of cream
Rushing out the door, late due to too long kisses goodbye
Simple little dreams of simple little pleasures
Yet when I find them I feel like a ghost
Hollow and never quite present
Seeing it all unfold but it passes right through me
I have never belonged in my dreams
Because I dream of being someone else.
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