I have thought about editing all of my love poems
To write you out of every beautiful moment
Where you inspired my sadness and my joy
But if I make you disappear from all of the imprints
I made of you then I have to let go of the aching
And the craving when my soul howls for you
In the middle of the night knowing you'll hear
Knowing you'll answer and help me write more
Love poems.

I responded to rage
By placing a hand
Inside your thigh
As if my body
Could absorb
Anger and calm you
My entire life
I have used this vessel
As the Ativan
For alcoholic men
What will I do
When it is no longer
Desirable?

Walmart on a Sunday evening
Feels like my brain
At 4 am
Every thought looks well made
Until I hold them
And feel the lack of substance
And then I realize
How many people I let in
That only came for something to do

When you feel like you're being devoured,
Sometimes you're just being led to a better place,
Yes, sometimes it's the belly of the whale
Carrying you back home

I didn't die
Why am I still so angry about that?

I am married to memories of you
Living my life feels like cheating
On the life I had with you still in it

Recognition sparks
Sly and toothy grin crawls upwards
Snaking across stubbled cheeks
Mouth ready to sink into soft flesh
I've tasted this venom before
Reminded of the paralysis
That always strikes
In hotel bathrooms
Why are my puncture wounds
More shameful
Than your sharpened teeth?

The only requirement to be loved in this world
Is to exist.
When a baby is hungry,
Or crying,
Or needs love,
We give them all we can.
They exist.
That's all we ask.
So today, when my stomach growls,
Today, when my heart hurts,
Today, when I need to be held,
I will not look at the tally
On my never ending score card,
And see what I deserve,
Instead,
I will give myself all that I can.
Because I exist.

Do you remember the day my collar bone cracked?
The sound was so jarring, it echoed through me like my skull against concrete
It was the sound of a toy maker tinkering in the night
Creating his dolls, the ones that don't move unless he breaks and bends their arms at will
Yes. Cracking bone. The sound of my creation.
I'll never be the girl my mother made again, I'm something between yours and hers and not at all mine now.
Just metal and flesh. None of it my own .

I paint daisy chains
On sharp edges
Roses in my hollows
Starvation in full bloom
Is lovelier than death
So I'll throw bouquets
On my own casket
And dig shallow graves
In my tummy
Bury yesterdays love
Resurrect today's doubt
At least skeletons
Are not afraid to die

Maybe I needed you to walk into my healing
In order for me to let you walk out of my wounds

My shower won't stop dripping
My bed tips to the left and the bed springs stab me while I sleep
My closet growls at me when I open it like an unfed dog in the shelter
You said you'd fix this all for me, I said no, and no, and no - it's okay.
If you fix the shower you might want to fix the emotions that leak out of me in the middle of the night
When you remove the bed you might want to remove the memories of the man that ruined me for you
I growl like the closet door when I open open myself up, never willing to show you my skeletons dangling from their hangers
If my home isn't good enough for you, maybe I'm not either.

I gave you the list of reasons
Of why not to love me
You heard them all and said
"But those are why I do"

I'd rather cut the cord
Than hang myself with it.

It breathes memories into my charcoaled lungs
The calluses on my palms
The ever lingering self doubt following my every step
Its heart beats in the herb garden on my balcony
Pulses through my broken alabaster skin
And quakes in the grooves of my cracked ribcage
It sleeps on the folded fitted sheets in my cabinet
Stirring restlessly at the smell of stale beer and fresh tobacco
It awakens with a jolt whenever it smells blood
Its stretching into my pinned back colony hair
Weaving its way through the secret stories
Into eardrums saying "you must **** yourself to get out"
This ghost of my family
Whispering commands into my ears
I am only now hearing it's voice
Because I always believed it was mine
This goodbye is not reconciliation with the voices
It is a resurrection of my own.

You are a collector
Of beautiful things
Art and artifacts
You can dust off
To show your friends
Turn the lights off
When they leave
For beauty is only real
If it makes others
Feel ugly.
I finally understand
Why you only call me
When you're with them
And stop holding me
When they leave.

You took a match to the expectations
I had for falling in love
And walked through my door
On fire

All my life I have kneeled down at your altar
Sacrificing my innocence and self worth
A lamb who's blood would gain me favor
"the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist"
Yes, I worshipped you like a God I was afraid of
Old Testament wrath brewed in our home
And I readied myself to **** what I loved
As Abraham would, as sheep do for their shepherds
For I knew my creator loved me, and called me love
"For he disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child. "
By the stripes inflicted upon me I would be freed
Of this shame and unworthiness you bestowed

But it turns out "Father" does not mean "God"
Sometimes it just means "alcoholic"
Sometimes discipline just means abuse
My faith is now placed in me, and the God that made us both.

I have dreamt of this many times
The warm hand resting on my ribcage
Rolling over to find love sleeping soundly
Gentle calls of frustration about running out of cream
Rushing out the door, late due to too long kisses goodbye
Simple little dreams of simple little pleasures
Yet when I find them I feel like a ghost
Hollow and never quite present
Seeing it all unfold but it passes right through me
I have never belonged in my dreams
Because I dream of being someone else.

Am I trying to help you
Because your pain
Is too much for you to bear
Or because seeing you like this
Is too much for me to bear

You see, I have this habit
Of building bridges
When I should be making moats

You were always loving me "despite"
I needed you to love me "because"

There are words
Tumbling round
This brain
Like heavy rocks
In a washing machine
Watch them now
Tumble out
They will pummel you
As they have me
You will see
What you made
Inside of me

Drunk at 6 in the morning again
Get some ******* sleep
And stop waking me from mine.

I love you's
Were for goodbyes
They were paired
With apologies
With excuses
With control
I love you's
Meant "I own you"
And now
They mean nothing to me
Unless they hurt

When I was 7 years old
I lost my voice
"They won't believe you"
Ripped the vocal chords
From my throat
And buried them beside
My innocence
Years I spent
Blowing smoke signals
Drawing maps in my veins
Begging for help silently
Inwardly screaming
Through a sutured mouth
Teeth coated in paint thinner
When I was 19
I found my voice
I dug those vocal chords
Out of the ground
Breaking fingernails around a pen
Writing statements
Filing into court
Spilling truths out of a too full glass
Creating a beautiful mess
I could walk away from
"I believe you"
Rang through my ears
Into eternity
And tucked me in at night
Safely in a home he didn't live in
"I believe you"
Rang like church bells
Announcing my salvation
My safety, my safekeeping
"I believe you"
Rang like police sirens
Promising to lock the pain away
To protect and serve me always
I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

The moon and the star
Laid back in the sky
Discussing their grievances
"I am just a lifeless rock"
Said the moon
"At least you never have to die"
Said the star
"Yes, but you are at least shiny and dead."

And with out question,
My heart of glass in my palms,
I dropped it and watched it shatter,
So I could hold your beer.

Truth is not beautiful
When spoken without thought
This was not a treasure chest
I held the key for
Rather one I found propped open
It was not earned
Nor mine to claim
Yet I find myself filling my pockets
With the trinkets and gold
That come tumbling out of your mouth
Ground between teeth
Leaving your speech unintelligible
I will bury this beneath my own treasure
Leaving a map for you
To never use

How easy it is to forget that we are needed
And how sad we cannot see those that gather
When it is time to say goodbye

You are afraid that if you are happy
It will hurt too much if you lose it
Grief fills the space where the happiness was,
To not feel either is just to be empty

When I was small,
I picked out an Aquaman action figure
Out of a bin at the secondhand store
He was missing a leg
Most of the paint worn off at his joints
But he was brand new to me
And what my mother could afford
I made up a story
About how his enemies had hurt him
How he'd defeated them
Became stronger
Was world reknowned for his powers
I loved him and this love fixed his brokenness
One perspective change made all the difference
I am like this.
Not broken, just reimagined.

In the afternoon sunlight
Weakened by September mist
A scent trail sails by wind
Bourbon and sea salt
Inhaling deeply, 1..2..3.. breaths
I almost thought I'd see you
Emerging from shadows and fog
I faintly feel your fingertips
Carried to me by the breeze
Shivers spiral down my spine
You've been missing from me
For 100 Friday afternoons
Why do I still look for you?

Bare feet sinking into snow
Prickling creeps up my ankles
Little knives embedding and climbing
Swallowing hungrily
Bitter blasts of cold air
Choking, tensing, tightening
Nerves peel back like wallpaper
And I felt it all,
I knew I was still alive

You matter,
If not to me,
Then to someone,
And if not to anyone at all,
I hope at least to yourself.
You may not know this,
But you're laugh is like music
And it plays in people's heads
Long after you leave the room.
Your eyes are what inspire love poems,
Poems that don't ever do them justice,
Someone is thinking about those eyes right now.
If your sadness is going unnoticed,
That doesn't make it any less valid,
I hope you find a warm shoulder to cry on soon.
Your pain is not a sign of weakness,
And I'm sorry if you feel ashamed of it,
You are lovable, not "despite of" but "because of"
Your body is beautiful because it is yours,
It is holding you together right now,
It is lovable, you are loving, so love it.
You are as magical as Christmas mornings,
As miraculous as the universe you live in,
As awe-inspiring as sunsets over oceans.
You exist.
And I love that about you.

I am always outgrowing my shells
The new ones never fit quite right
I just want to feel like I belong here
Like something was made just for me
I am tired of being too much of myself
One day my shell will grow with me
The world will say to me,
"You, Hermit, are just enough,
You, Hermit, have a home here."

I didn't say hello
When he walked in
I never say hello
It is a big, big word
A concrete foundation
To make houses in human beings
I can't be sure I want to make my home
Or that I'll know how to find the exit
When the hearth gets cold
And the coffee is stale
When shelter turns to a prison
I stumble out of Saturday morning
It is a big, big word
And he builds big, big houses
But he never feels like home for long

I wear my shame
Like a damp blanket
I'm sweating through
These sheets
And losing sleep
Over memories
**** these thoughts
Like a fever kills sickness
**** these dreams
Like a fever kills peace

I weigh 1/4 of a blue whales heart
I am as tall as Napolean Bonaparte
I am as old as Oprah's Book Club
When I do not like myself
I think of these things
And suddenly, I look very different.

I wonder what I look like
In your memories
If the memories changed
With your feelings

We looked into the darkness
You said it was bright
I trusted you
And thought myself blind
We stood out in the cold
You complained of the heat
I trusted you
And I removed my jacket
We were submerged in water
You said it was land
I trusted you
And I stopped swimming
Trust is not truth.

I am not this kind of girl
I say to myself, to you, to them
I don't do these kinds of things
To myself, to you, to them
I swear, I swear
I am not this kind of girl.

Fears don't need to be decisions
Sadness doesn't need to be a fact
Anger shouldn't be an action
Shame doesn't have to be a self image
These are just feelings
They are not definitions
Of your being

I am smiling
With a bucket full of raspberries
Feet soaked in mud
Freckled skin exposed
Hair tangled by the wind
Identity irrelevant
Forgotten
Today I am just a child
Exploring this Earth
While it still feels small enough
To fit in my bucket
Full of raspberries

This wasn't the first time
But it will be the last time
I create an identifiable pain
To numb the persisting wounds,
That I let my hollow stomach
Swallow all of my sorrows,
That I go to bed hungry
Struggle to wake up again,
Just to Pace around my kitchen
Afraid to open the refrigerator,
I promise this is the last time,
It's always the last time,
Please let this be the last time..

You think of me when you're drunk
In the midnight hours, in the dark
I wonder if you wonder about me
In the daylight hours too
When you see sunflowers
Like the one etched on my thigh
The thigh your hand gripped tightly
Whenever you were near me
I wonder if the memories hurt you
The way they have been hurting me
We were better than what we became
After we stopped kissing in the morning
When we decided to be friends
That aren't friendly at all
Stop calling me when you're drunk enough
To acknowledge that I still exist
Because it makes me remember you
And I can't drink you away

Sunshine drips off of my skin
Pools on your sternum
Stars escape my eyes
Form constellations on your shoulder
I am bleeding galaxies
Sharing my veins with you
Blinding light pours from my mouth
You refuse to swallow it
Sit in the dark if you must, my love
I will never stop shining

I am only one person
That is not a lot
It is still a lot more
Than I'd like to be
Today

It was as though
A great mountain
Crumbled to dust
Before my eyes
Like watching
A storming sea
Calm it's swells and
Dry up in the sun
The greatest orchestra
Performing symphonies
With broken instruments
For a deaf audience
.......
To first love you
And then to know you.