It was as though
A great mountain
Crumbled to dust
Before my eyes
Like watching
A storming sea
Calm it's swells and
Dry up in the sun
The greatest orchestra
Performing symphonies
With broken instruments
For a deaf audience
.......
To first love you
And then to know you.

Sometimes I forget
My own handwriting
And my "A"s come out wrong
Not looking at all like me
So I have to look back
At poems from yesterday
And forge my own signature
If I manage to remember
Where I set my pen down

You are small
But you will grow
The grass will not always
Look like a forest to you
You will forget to relish the feeling
Of dirt between your toes
Your alarm will go off one morning
And you will make your way to work
And you will crush grass beneath your feet
Absent mindedly
Instead of eyeing it with wonder
And wondering what magic
Placed it there for you to play in
You will mow your lawn, and I'm sure
That you will ***** about it too
You are small, but you will grow
And the grass and I will miss you

I don't want enough
I want more than enough
I want one thousand,
One hundred thousand
Enoughs
I want enough to feel like
Nothing.

I pick up the pieces
Gently, carefully,
Place them down
In my bathroom sink
Wipe away debris
Collected and caked
Onto your being
I meticulously clean
Each part of you
Warm you up
Pat you dry
Give you back
To the world
And hope you
Don't return here
Broken and filthy,
Yet again.

It's in the moments
Before I fall asleep
When my body
Isn't real anymore
And my life
Never really happened
It's in those moments
I find you again
But you never stay

Dripping honey
On my teeth
So I speak sweetly
You lap it up
Then shove
Salt down my throat
When you kiss
Me goodbye.

I refuse to believe
That I am defective
I will not apologize
For the scar tissue
Proclaiming evidence
Of my battles
I did not start my war
I was not born
Fighting and clawing
I learned to do this
To win the wars
Waged upon me
I refuse to believe
That I am defective
My scar tissue shows
The wars I chose to finish

Was it wrong of me
To want you to love me
Differently

I looked at you today
Something was different
Your sea blue eyes
Faded to worn denim
The hair I once fixed
Combing with my fingers
Looked wild, unkempt
In need of a brush
The one track mind
Charming boyish naivety
Sounded self centered
Exhaustingly unaware
I looked at you today
No longer enamoured
I hope that your mirror
Is less fickle than I

Why is it that when
I hurt myself
It takes away the
Hurt you caused

"Good morning!"s slowly died out
As did my good mornings

The greatest suffering
Isn't the suffering itself
But the pain that comes
When it ends
And we know not
Who we are without it

I'm so afraid
That I hurt you.
I'm more afraid
That I didn't.

I saw the first
While I was full
I emptied myself
To fill him up
I saw the second
While I was empty
I emptied him
To fill myself up

I waited for you.
For years now
I've been waiting
Putting love aside
In case you arrived
Today, though,
Was the last time
I got to wait around.

You lost your health
Your liver, your life
You chose crystal
Over me, over you
Over everything
You ran out of time
Life couldn't wait.

He has two voices
One is for lying
It sounds almost
Like love
Feels warm and wet
It's for raising
Skin and making
Shivers
It's for winning
Arguments
Changing minds
Bending morals
Unbuttoning shirts
Two is for defying
It sounds like
Seams ripping
Feels like sand paper
It's for saying yes
So loud that
No's are drowned out
It's for cornering
When convincing
Doesn't work
It's for winning
Wars
Closing mouths
Pinning down
For keeping secrets
Kept.

The only thing I need
Right in this moment
Is someone's eyes on me
Saying I'm fine
This weather scares me
The storm and I
Are about to break

I will not
Breathe life
Into the past
Dead is dead.

I had no filter
I said what
I was thinking
Like I was talking
To my walls
I ran in messy
Spoken circles
With no
Conclusions
No concise plan
No destination
And you, you
Followed my
Footsteps
And thanked me
For the walk
You'd never seen
Such scenery

I know what it is
To want revenge
To believe that
Killing my own
White Whale
Would give back
What I've lost to it
I know what it is
To lose all of myself
To the things
That only wanted
Parts of me

I don't have to earn
The happiness I feel
Because I exist
It is my right
To feel
Whatever I want
Yet I find myself
Measuring my days
Calculating my
Daily allowance
Of laughter
And booking in
The appropriate hours
To doubt myself

Some times
I think about how
The word
Alphabet
Means Alpha
And Beta
And how that
Implies a
....
Like the
Alphabet
Doesn't really
Ever end
So now the
Letter Z
Raises questions
In my brain
And I wonder
What comes
After it
That is why
I cannot
Sleep.

It's not as if
It was the end of the world
Or like I didnt pull through
And survive that moment
It's just that
My entire world changed
And the parts of me that I loved
Didn't make it out alive

You called me
Just to say
"I'm happy"
What you meant
To say was
"I'm happy
Without you"
So I said
"I'm happy too"
But what I meant
To say was
"I still love you."

Stumbling into a room
Innebriated, flushed
Sweat collects heavily
Over your brow
A shaky forefinger
Thrown into faces
Of strangers in the hall
And then back at me
Swears used as adjectives
You tell the tales
Of the disappointment
You can't help but feel
When you look at me
I find myself apologizing
For carrying your genes
For knowing you
For being born with your name
I find myself apologizing
And though I don't say it
I'm really apologizing
For not being as valuable
To you as whiskey.

He was more himself
Than anyone I'd ever met
He laughed with his eyes
Made me sandwiches
While his friends
Told me about the good times
And the bad times
He held me tightly
In front of everyone
He wanted me everywhere
I wanted him too
I wanted him too much.
I ignored his habits
The medicine to sleep
The drinking to speak
Never leaving the house
Except to pick up
More and more habits
I wanted him too much
He didn't want me enough.

I speak
About hating
How I speak
I have feelings
About my extreme
Lack of feeling
I find myself
In all the ways
I've lost myself
Machines gain souls
Once they've realized
They are machines

I can no longer be the only one,
The only one that loves you
You have to love yourself too

He is cut from marble
Stoic, reformed, awe inspiring
Smells of mountain tops
Rain washed stone
Just as cold and clean
Voice unwavering
Could command war fleets
A murderous disinfectant
With a one track mind
Unloving, unlovable
He was leaned on
Never leaned into

His frame is that
Of a split willow branch
Splintered and narrow
Bendable and strong
He barely musters mutters
Words colliding, sticking
Like molasses on linen
His eyes are damp moss
I know from photographs
As his eyes won't meet mine
Too fragile, faithful , naive
To bear so many scars
He settles for shelter
He deserves a home

Cigarettes stuffed
In the worn out pocket
Of a jacket
That doesn't belong to me
A walk in the rain
Early in the morning
With a dollar store lighter
That doesn't belong to me
Soaking my socks
Inhaling smoke
I have a heartache
That shouldn't belong to me

Forgetting you exist
Should not have been easier
Than existing with you

I struggle to get air
Beneath this mound of earth
I've buried myself in
So ashamed to be this *****
I've forgotten
That beneath the mud
Is where seeds grow

******* tilt his head
And inspect pupils too large
And breaths to shallow
******* scoop *****
And rot out of his mouth
While he lays there immobile
******* dial 911
While he spews hatred
For you, his rescuer
His family, his only friend
******* turn a key
Locking a door for the last time
Leaving you behind.

Today I learned that I am worth at least $2.
I am worth not just a thought, but an action.
I am worth the walk to place it in my hands.
I have never felt more valuable then I do now.
Sipping a coffee I didn't know that I needed.

I will not say to you
"In another life"
It should have been this one.

I say hello and smile
At the same man every day
Never more words shared
Than can be said while walking by
I like him more than everyone else
I don't know what he thinks
Or what he feels
Or what keeps him up at night
Or the wounds that lie beneath his smile
And that is just perfect for me
He can't be ruined
And he cannot ruin me
I have never known a good love
I have never loved very well
So I consider these hello's
To be the most lovely words
Ever spoken
Such a small happiness
In dreaming a small dream

You are what pushes me to grow and become better.
You are what warms my heart when it grows cold.
I cannot imagine living in a world where you don't exist, it would always seem dark.
I think the entire Sun is wrapped up within you and shines through your eyes.
To me, you are daylight.

There is more than one way to skin a cat
And there is more than one way to break a heart
I'm surprised you don't know this by now
You don't always have to rip it into shreds
With your bare hands tensed in rage
Intentionally destroying the pulsating thing you hold
You do not always have to spill it's blood
Watching the thick red liquid congeal on the floor
You need not always fill it with shame
Ridiculing it's nature, the way it beats, it's purpose
Until it's too small to believe in itself
All you need is to be loved by that heart
And every time you walk away it will follow
Pieces of it sewn into your jacket pocket
Or dangling proudly around your neck
And when you leave that jacket in a haunted house
With a haunted soul that robbed you of safety
I will not get that piece of me back
When the bright and beating pendent resting on your clavicle
Is torn off and lost in someone's couch cushions
The same place you lost your dignity and self worth
I will not get that piece of me back
My heart is sewn onto yours like a patchwork quilt
And whenever your heart breaks, mine does too
Wherever your blood is spilt, my heart is stained red too
There is more than one way to skin a cat
And there is more than one way to break a heart.

You were different.. I was different
Something was different
And now I'm left here
With a bitter taste in my mouth
Wondering how liquid
Could change a person so much
How bright lights and loud noises
Could drown out my existence
Until you forgot I was ever there

Someone asked me what it was like doing speed
If you're wondering, it was a lot like love
I loved it the way some people love playing guitar
The way some people love their mothers
The way some people love their God
I used it to express myself, to unleash my creativity
I used it to find solace and comfort, to make me feel all better
To put a bandaid on my scraped knee and tell me to keep trying
I used it so I would have something to believe in
Something better than what I was, something that believed in me too
I loved the way it made me to soar to new heights
I always forgave it when I crashed down to new lows
I loved the way it took my fear away of talking to strangers
I forgave it when I became afraid of people who weren't even there
I loved the way I made love so confidently when I was on it
I forgave it when I had to go to bed with strangers just to afford it
I loved the way it made me love myself again
I forgave it when I couldn't recognize myself anymore
Yes, I think it was a lot like love

I want to feel alive
To see that old spark back in my eyes
But there is never quite enough
No matter how I try
My lips taste of poison
But my mind feels washed and clean
A brand new look
For a worn out fiend
I can laugh at the smallest things
But bleed from the smallest smile
Lost? Broken? I've known all along
I'm not in denial
My skin hides my secrets
The blood that runs white
When my mistress, she calls
I can't put up a fight
A lust like no other
An ever swelling greed
Like angry waves attack the sea
Wash over me
She knows what I need,
She knows what I need
I don't know where I'm going
Or what to hear, see and speak
But I'll be okay as reality fades
Cling to the hope that this isn't me
I laugh and force a smile
To distract from my bloodshot eyes
Soon I'll ask glass Angels
To put truth into these lies
To numb me while I cry
They fly into my lungs and promise to try
I need to be free
And wear their wings
Escape from the puppet master
Always pulling on my strings
But I remain a song
That's known but no one sings
I'm just a tortured, dark thing
An empty, dark thing.