Megan
What a poplar name
There are three Megans in my sixth period alone
Most people would want a new name
Something unique
Something different
Not me
I love my name
Sure- when I was young I wanted to change it

But now I know
I know what's so important about my name
See the fact is-
Others may have the same letters and
The same pronunciation.
But my name is still unque
Because my name is just that
MINE.
I, Megan, make my name
**Memorable.

Sometimes you're hurting and you don't know why.
Or maybe you do know- and you wish you didn't.
What can you do when there is a raging storm inside you?
How do you let it out without seeming weak?
I'll be the last person to ask for help, I do not go to others when in need.
I rely on myself, and myself only- but maybe it's time to step back.
I can't do this on my own and I can't seem to form the words to ask.
I'm drowning in my own bedroom and yet I can't cry for help.

Melt over my body
Scotch my skin
Peel away the pain
By adding a new sensation

How did we get here?
Crumpled being on the tile
Unable to rescue themselves
Pathetic

Maybe you're right
Wear me out
Wring me dry
Hang me out on a line.

I'll watch the silver moonlight spread across my pillow and delicate fingers.

The sandman nowhere in sight, and not wanting to be found. I'm growing tired of this game of hide and seek.

Instead I'll stay with the sky as the sliver light slowly stains red with the coming dawn.

It's all about perspective really. You can seemingly change the outcome of a situation by how you think of it. In this case.. It's as clear as past-
And present.

Past-
A young brother passing away
A childhood void of a father who was too drunk
Raised by a sister because mother was too busy
Losing three people who had become family through divorce
Now having a father that's too busy with his new family

Present-
A brother no longer in pain from his 17 years of fighting illness
A Dad desperately trying to make up from lost time
A Mom and sister that have so much love and care they take care of others
Have three toxic people removed form my life- bad influences taken away
Having a wonderful new Step Mom and Three new siblings and a very in love and happy Dad.

It's all
      how
you          
                  look
      at
it.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired is all. I've been working a lot. "

"You sound more than tired.. You sound defeated.."

Possible
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder?

Certain things trigger thoughts and emotions, in me.
Almost like memories but not quite.

I imagine myself in the situation I just saw (whether in a movie or TV show) and I am over come with the urge to scream and cry. To hit things around me.

But I don't know why. I can't figure out what it is, why I feel a connection to it. I role play online the situations, and I fight like hell.

I don't know why.

I don't know why I want to play these scenes out, why I want to fight. Why I want to feel like I'm in it.

I don't understand.

Nothing has ever happened to me. Nothing like that. I'm hurting and

I don't know why.

Sometimes the hardest battles are fought alone
at night
when it's dark
and quiet.
I haven't even been typing for more than a few seconds
and already the tears are flowing.
Too strong for too long.
That's what they say, right?
Crying does not mean you're weak
it means you have been too strong for too long.
What *******.
I am weak.
I know I am.
Broken angel
hurt so many times
by those who were meant to protect.
Walls have been put up to protect myself since no one else
seemed to care enough to save
the five year old little girl.
Eleven years later and I'm cold and hard as stone.
I wish I were a stone..
Instead of this **** sponge who is destined
to be poked and prodded.
I will soak up your mess,
so you don't have to suffer.
Give me your worries, I will take them.
Give me your addictions, I will take them.
Give me your broken shards, I will take them.
I don't care if I get cut and scraped.
Let me bleed-
so you can live.

What you expect:
                      
                                  ­ y
                              r
                       ­  e
                     v
                o
             c
        e
    r
Obvious steps, one at a time until you're at the top.

Reality:

   y    
r     c
   e         o
r       v

You don't really know if this is even what you want. You crawl up a few, only to come crashing back down in an endless circle of hate.

I drove towards your house the other day
I nearly turned into your street.. I was on auto pilot.

Just that day you had sent me a message and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee.
I think it's funny that you're the one in a relationship and yet I'm the one who said no.
You have no idea what it took for me to decline your offer.
But I had to protect you.. I wasn't going to let you ruin your relationship for a 16oz beverage that would burn our throats and start a ripple effect of pain.

They say to be like water
But I’ve always felt more like a pebble in the bed of the river

Soon I’ll just be sand

And you're rocking again, but not like you use to.
Your knees are no longer drums
but they are still bruised
And your fingers are no longer drumsticks
but your knuckles are still red

There is no melody to air guitar to
And there is no chorus to yell out
But oh darling,
there is fighting
So keeping rocking away.

I have a lot swimming through my mind everyday.
Recovery.
Relapse.
Restricting.
Eating.
Work.
Relationships.
Family.
Friends.
Appointments.
Body image.
Self image.
Future.
Past..
All at once.

But when I'm at a concert, a live performance, whether that be a symphony or a rock concert, I am free. It's when I'm full emersed in music, that when I don't feel like I'm drowning in anxiety. Standing up and dancing and head-banging to my favorite songs, or sitting and watching colors and designs sprout in front of my eyes as bows vibrate strings.

The only thing on my mind in those moments, is the music. Singing and dancing along, not a care in the world about what I look like or sound like. Who thinks I'm going overboard. Because the thing is, when I see other people dancing their hearts out and screaming the lyrics, it fills my own heart with such joy and love for them. They're having the time of their lives,


and I can too.

I spent most nights of the summer
Laying in the middle of my floor
Sobbing silently
Screaming your name as my family slept

I miss you..
You left so suddenly
Now it's just emptiness
This time of year is always hard..

Thanksgiving was you're favorite
Mom let you eat anything
Despite what the doctors said
Two days a year..

Thanksgiving
And
Christmas..
Little smokies once a year- just for you.

But that year..
You left ten days too early
To be able to taste them
One

Last

Time

And the circles that I use to cover with makeup
                have gotten so dark that not even "industrial strength" concealer covers them up anymore.

     it doesn't even make a dent.

Happiness: The ultimate goal, right?
We all want to be happy
We all want to feel fulfilled.

We see pictures of smiling, skinny bodies
and we know what happiness looks like.
It looks like thin faces
frail arms
tiny legs
concave stomachs

The first step to being happy is
looking
the part.

You need to do it.
                            I don't..
Yes you do- and you know it.
                            Stop. Go away.
Just do it already you big baby.
                            I'm scared.
Why? You've done it before. It's not a big deal. ******* go.
                            What if Mom hears me?
She won't. Do you want to lose it?
                            Yes
What are you waiting for then?
                            (sigh)
You need to do it.
                            (Shaking)
...
                    ­       (Gives in)
Feel better?
                           No.. Yes. I don't know
You do.
I win again.

A sea of faces rages before me
Memories flashing across my vision- blindingly bright
I'm afraid I may never see past them again
Voices are thrown from all directions
yelling
screaming
crying
I can see myself in a tempered rage
Throwing things and yelling out
I'm not in my body anymore
I am a mere spectator- a wisp
a cloud
vulnerable to the world around me

I find myself apologizing all the time
When I do something wrong
"I'm sorry," I messed up
When I can't quite get my sentences out right
"I'm sorry," I'm taking so much of your time

Bumping into a stranger
"I'm sorry," I was in your way
Someone helping me eat
"I'm sorry," I can't do this like I should be able to

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Even when I'm alone, nothing happens and still
"I'm sorry," for taking up space

It's one in the morning, I'm alone and I'm crying and muttering
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."


"I'm sorry," I lived and you didn't.

I am not comfortable in my own skin, I am not comfortable looking at my own body.
I hate that my body is often looked on by others, it makes me feel *****. But I love being touched. I love kissing.
I hate when they say my name, though. It sounds like a bad word. Something that doesn't fit. But I love my name. I love how it sounds.
I hate hearing from a mans mouth, it comes out tainted. I hate feeling squeamish when anyone compliments my body. I hate that I immediately want to cut into my skin when someone tells me I'm beautiful, or that they love my curves.

"I was really kind about it, I didn't lose my head or anything."
"See.. There's a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You have a tendency to treat others better than you treat yourself."
shrug*
"You say things to yourself that you would never allow someone to say about another person."

Willow tree cracks
And fruit punch stains
That's what my nights are made of.

Because at the end of the day
When the makeup washes off
You see the dark circles and red bumps
You see the ugliness that was badly hidden

Because at the end of the day
When I takes off the mask
You see the weak little girl within
The one I try so hard to control

Because at the end of the day
I lay in a small bed,
out numbered
By thoughts and the world.

The formalities of the world
They tell us how long we have to know
Another person
For us to love them

It creates a complex.
What if that's why there is so much hate
In the world
People are afraid to love eachother
Simply because of time
Because of fear
Fear of being ridiculed
By those who stick to the formalities

I feel the Thunder inside me
Crashing around
I see the lighting in my eyes
It lights me on fire
But when will this storm destroy me?
Completely, it has done damage
I'm afraid that I could never be repaired
No one knows
But that's what makes a storm so deadly
Unpredictable, uncontrollable
There are earthquakes and floods that follow
The rain runs red and the earthquake calms
I pray that this storm will pass
It's been so long I don't remember a time before it
This is what frightens me the most

We all say that society is ugly
But we all have wished to look like her.

Things I didn't have control of:
-Mom&Dad; getting a divorce
-My brother being sick
-Mom having to leave for days at a time to stay at the hospital with my brother
-Having a new mom and two new siblings
-Dad living 45 minutes away
-Dad not being there
-Dad drinking
-Staying at Grandma's when I was sick
-That boy's actions and words in middle school
-My step mom cheating on my dad
-Losing three people that I had grown up with and loved
-My brother passing away
-Him cheating on me
-My co-worker lying to our boss saying that I bullied her because I was best friends with her now ex-boyfriend
-Another boy's actions when I told him I couldn't be in a relationship at the time
-Him telling me that he doesn't love me anymore
-Breaking my body in an accident and spending the entire summer recovering
-Other peoples' happiness and comfort

Things I have control of:
-How I react to the actions of others
-My own happiness
-The music I listen to
-What I eat
-When I work out and how hard
-If my room is clean or not (which it usually is)
-How I treat myself

*Yeah.. I can see why.

They say follow your dreams
And all I want is to go home
There is a problem, you see

I don't know where home is

I'm still waiting for this hurt to go away. I'm waiting for the day when I can look in the mirror and not want to shatter it. For the day that I can go to a store with turning to every mirror and looking at my body, utterly disgusted. I'm waiting for the day where I don't want to take the silver pen that draws in red to my skin. I thought it was here.. I thought I was better. I was eating normally. But then is tried on the scale.. What an evil thing. A ruiner. When will I get off this track? I'm growing tired of this journey. But maybe I'll fly off it before I have the chance to hope off onto safe groun-

Good morning.
The sun is shining.
And you are in the clouds.
Welcome home.

The numbness fades and it hits me all at once-
The crashing waves of ten thousand heart breaks

Over the years I have realized that I do not know how to love slowly
Or carefully
I fall for someone instantly
I'm just good at hiding it, at acting like I have a normal level of admiration for someone given the time we've known each other.
But that is not me.
I throw myself into situations, knowing that it could go up in flames.

But the threat of being burned does not out weigh the excitement of feeling the heat.

Being physically close to someone does not bother me- I like being touched. I like hugging and the feeling of someone running their fingers over my back and arms.
But once that physical touch gets a little too close to emotion I push it away. Once someone starts to feel like they have feeling for me, or that I for them, I immediately think of ways to push them away in such a slight way that they do not realize what is happening.
Because the truth is.. The fingerprints left on my skin, the touch I can not scrub away in the shower, will be gone. I will have a new set of skin in a matter of weeks. Skin that hasn't been touch, hasn't been tainted with someone's prints.
But the words that they said to me will forever be printed on my heart. Each letter stamped into my mind where it'll wait to hurt me again, filed away under "Do not go back" until it gets dark and I wander through the shelves trying to find someone, something to occupy myself with. Something to remind myself that I was not always this alone..

A buzzing in the air
excitment
We're finally leaving
lets go already
Just another hour..
We've been waiting all year
All the saving finally paying off
It's here. It's here.
So tune up those strings.
*We're here to play

You have absolutely every reason to hate me right now.

But you still told me that you love me and that you're happy I'm by your side.

And if that is not true love, I don't know what is.

I put walls up made of cinder blocks
Each one a lie uttered by a former love

There was a gate, covered in keyless locks
But soon even that was a weakness to the doves

So I build another line, cement and glued together thoughts and painful sensations
It was an ugly wall, but all the better to keep things away

Each time someone chipped a peice away I would it was replaced without hesitation
"May I come in?" You call, "Maybe another day"

Because starving doesn't hurt as bad
As looking in the mirror.

Because dragging a thin piece of metal
Across my skin, gives the pain a place to live.

Because when it's dark and I'm alone
There's no more voices to say "No."

Because I know it'll be hard for you
To understand- thats why I'll give you a hand.

Because I know how badly you want
To know me. But help me understand this-

Are you ready?

They can't see your tears when you're drowning.

And darling you're eight feet under water.

I'm finally home, I thought I'd be happy
I get to sleep in my own bed and finally take a long shower
I get to see my best friend tomorrow
I get to see him

Yet I still feel like this..?
All those feelings from the course of five days unleashed.
I don't have the protection of sharing a room.
Now it's just me and the walls of my mind.
The walls that not only keep other away-

But they lock me out as well. What's in there?
I wonder.

I wonder...