I feel like I'm a weight on others around me,
yet my head feels so light.
I can't seem to talk to anyone about it,
but that doesn't stop the inner banter.
It's no wonder I get headaches,
there's so mush chaos.
Contradicting thoughts crashing into one another,
causing vibrations to ring though my skull.
Lights dance and my blood rushes to my muscles,
but I can't move.
Not done. Too many thoughts going through my head right now. Crash crash crash.
I've been having thoughts lately,
of a future, MY future.
You are not in this future,
you aren't even welcome in the present.
I've tried and tried to push you out
but you just aren't getting it.
I tried bringing in outside help,
restraining orders and cops at the doors.
But you came back and now we're back together,
you waited until the protection was gone.
You pulled me right back to you- you *******,
I was finally thinking I was strong enough on my own.
I want to break up.
I want a divorce.
I want my mind back.
I want my LIFE back.
I've been thinking a lot about this off and on again relationship of abuse and false protection. When, oh when, will you leave me be? And do I really want that?
Love is giving someone permission to hurt you and trusting that they won't
My darling you are stars..
Millions of small bits of light
Each one representing a laugh
A tear, a memory
Sometimes the stars expand,
They explode without reason
This can be painful,
The formation of a new star
A new spot of light.
When you are up close
All you can see is the light
Just the one star, it takes all focus.
But wait until you are brave enough
Brave enough to take a step back
To look at all your points of light
The good and the bad
Take a look at your life
Your galaxy, only then will you see
The big picture
All the points connect
They create something
When something happens in my life-
I tend to make it worse.
Dig myself a deeper grave.
Maybe it's self sabotage.
I get what I deserve.
I find myself apologizing all the time
When I do something wrong
"I'm sorry," I messed up
When I can't quite get my sentences out right
"I'm sorry," I'm taking so much of your time
Bumping into a stranger
"I'm sorry," I was in your way
Someone helping me eat
"I'm sorry," I can't do this like I should be able to
Even when I'm alone, nothing happens and still
"I'm sorry," for taking up space
It's one in the morning, I'm alone and I'm crying and muttering
"I'm sorry," I lived and you didn't.
I remember the first time..
It crept in,
Like how the sky goes black.
But this time it's like a
tsunami, a flash flood
I'm standing on a roof
and suddenly I'm flying through the air
the ground below rising up to meet me
as my brain assures me
"Just this once is okay."
"You'll be just fine."