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Silver Lining Jun 2015
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What do you do?
When someone tells you that they don't love you anymore?
Silver Lining Mar 2016
this isn't what my life was suppose to be like

i did not want to grow up to be who I am today

   it's hard to think of being different, though

    my whole life i've been counting objects, dates, everything

     when I was little and had a stomach ache i'd count the tile on the ground

      when I was a little older i would count the days my brother was gone

       i would count the trees and posts on the drive up to the hospital

        i would count the minutes while waiting for my dad to pick us up

         there came a day when counting the days became too much

         my brother was gone, and was not coming back

          so I started counting steps, i counted calories

           i counted how many times I chewed something

            and i counted scars and red lines on my body

             i learned to count objects and things I could control

              like how many spaces before a paragraph starts

               because I knew that I could not count ON anyone
Silver Lining Sep 2014
It's 6:00am, I'm getting ready for school and wishing I could text you good morning.

It's 8:23am, I'm laughing with my friends and wishing I still had to take mental notes of the conversations so I could tell you and make you laugh too.

It's 11:34am, and I'm pushing my food around my plate wishing you still asked me how my day was going.

It's 2:30pm, I'm leaving school and wishing I was on my way to your house to lay on your bed and laugh with you.

It's 5:56pm, I'm sitting in these hard metal chairs at work wishing you would come visit me again.

It's 10:45pm, I'm getting ready for bed and wishing I could tell you good night, and to tell you to have sweet dreams.  

It's 11:11pm and I'm crying again wishing you were here with me.

It's 1:02am and I'm still crying and now there's blood mixed with the tears and I'm wishing you were here to tell me that it will all be okay.

It's 3:17am.. My eyes are puffy and sting, my cheeks are itchy and red.

It's 3:19am, My heart is torn to shreds.
And I miss you.
I've cried myself to sleep every night for weeks, any mention or thought of him and I start crying again.
Silver Lining Dec 2013
Their words scream at you
Years after they have gone
Forever echoing in the mind.

The tears of the innocent
On their hands
As you watch them walk away from behind.
Silver Lining Dec 2013
You told me today
That you feel like you're
Always too busy with other
People.

Well nice of you to join
My childhood.
Everyone's always too busy
With other people.

My whole life I've just been
Here. Never been noticed.
It's been sixteen years
And you're just now wondering.

I've never had anyone to talk to
About how this whole thing
Makes me feel.
Too busy.

Well I learn from the best.
I'm too busy to deal with
'feelings'  too busy to pay attention
To the rumble in my stomach.

Too busy to take care of myself
Because I'm trying to make
Everyone else okay.
But you're too busy to notice.
Silver Lining Oct 2014
every bone in my body aches with the memory of you
Silver Lining Nov 2013
It hurt.
Incredibly bad.

A stab to my heart, that I didn't think was there
You wanted me to feel something

After being numb for so long
I don't think this is what you had in mind

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment
I don't know why you stay-

I'm not good enough.
I'm not passionate enough.

I'm not enough.
I'm me.

I have such a heart for love
I always has- I've always loved everyone

But I don't show it.
I never have.

I'm not good at expressing feelings
Even today- when you poured your heart out

All I could do was stand there..
I can't speak.

I'm mute.
No opinion in this

No opinions
Not when it comes to "us"

No, no not this time
I've always bent at the will of others

Said what they wanted to hear
Said what I thought I felt

And I just got lashed for it
Bubbling red skin

I will stay me this time
You
Can
Not
Change


ME
Silver Lining Apr 2014
Water seeps into my skin so quickly
Pruning my little feet within minutes
of soaking in the warm water.
That's a lie actually- my feet are not little, they are quite adverage for my height but I've always viewed them as too big.
I bruise at the lightest of touch
And they stay for weeks*
Everything I eat rips and claws through my body- just to come crashing out moments later
That sounds rather graffic doesn't it?
And they wonder why I don't eat.
The pain in unbelievable  
So dramatic poems, aren't they? I suppose that's the point though? To e able to exaggerate thoughts without judgment.
My body breaking down
Screaming with every move
Maybe not screaming. That would be strange, wouldn't it? Tiny voice resounding from your pores.
I'm still waiting- waiting for this *
medication to work. Or for them to say "Let's try this instead. "
I really appreciate all doctors, they are amazing. But sometimes I feel like a guinea pig. It's been sixteen years- dont they know what it is yet?
I'm tired, so so tired.
*A dead battery *
I really am. Getting sick like this completely drains me of every once of energy I have.
It can be so frustrating sometimes how the italics pop up where they shouldn't be. It suppose to be bold and regular.
Silver Lining Mar 2013
No one ever knew
They never saw
Not through the mask of smiles
and laughs
They just kept going on
Until..

Until this year
I met you.
You saw right through the mask
You saw the hurt and tears in my eyes
The ones that everyone looked past

So what made you glance back?
And ask?
Silver Lining Jun 2014
Alcoholism took my father away from me.
I watched him destroy his life from the age of five.
When Austin left us- I watched his life shatter completely.
I started to plink away on the piano.
Then he started to pick up the pieces.
He got his life together, remarried, and is trying to repay a lost childhood.
So I continue to play.

Now, I'm watching both my sister's life come to crumbles at the lips of a bottle.
So I play louder.
One has gone to rehab for drugs and alcohol.
She is getting better- back on her feet.
The other has moved out and cut off communication with our Father.
So I keep playing.
I'll write a sonng or two for you-
and I'll wait for you to come home.

All I've ever known alcohol to do- is destroy.
And people wonder why the smell nauseates me..
Silver Lining Jun 2014
Dad,
       I know it's sort of a cliche, saying "words can not express how much I love you." but that is quite true. Although I rather think words COULD describe; the only problem is finding the words to do this justice. And you, of all people, know that I am not good with words. So I'll try this instead:
       You taught me how to ride a bike, you taught me how to use that pair of Heelys shoes so that I could ride for forever without stopping to get a running start. You [tried] to teach me how to ice-skate backwards, I do not have the best memory- but knowing me, that didn't end well. You taught me to love music, you showed me how music can communicate any emotion without a single word.
       There are something, however, that I do not remember you ever teaching me. I do not recall you ever sitting me down and talking to me about the person I should grow up to be. You never showed me a text book or took me to class to teach me how to be kind, or loving. But sometimes the best teachers, teach without ever meaning to. You taught me to be kind to everyone around me. You taught me how to talk to people in a way that shows confidence. You taught me how to stand up for myself, and what I believe in. You taught me that sometimes perseverance is key. You taught me how to love people past their faults. You taught me courage. It is true, these are all things that you did not sit me down to teach me, you simply taught me by being you. By example. You have always been the greatest example to me. That's the thing about kids, right? We're always watching and absorbing everything we see. I was so lucky to take in all that I did. I wouldn't be the person that I am today without your examples. For me, I know I will always use theses qualities. You helped set me up for a great life, and I intend on using every bit of knowledge and wisdom that you have given me throughout my 16, almost 17 years. I am so grateful for everything that you have done for me. You gave all three of your daughters the tools we need to live a successful and happy life. It just may take a little longer for some to realize this.. But I know you, you never lose faith in us. And that's more than I could ever ask for. I love you.
-Megs
My father has been a great influence in my life, and I am eternally grateful.
Silver Lining Jun 2014
I think I'm allergic to eating..

       I wake up the next day to soft blue blotches on my thighs
       And angry red lines on my hip.
Silver Lining Feb 2016
I push and push until people give up on me

Then I sit and wonder how I could ever end up feeling this alone
Silver Lining Apr 2014
It's amazing
                     Isn't it?
    What a difference
                                                       EIGHT
                             *******
        
                                                   POUNDS
makes..

                       I was feeling okay
    Then I stepped on that ****** scale
                                              And now
I'm                   Falling
            To                    
     P
      E
         I
           C
              E
                 S

If only that were a literal statement..
            Then maybe I could forget some shards of myself

And I'll be lighter
I'm back up to my heighest weight. And I'm not okay.
Silver Lining Nov 2013
Emptiness filled her soul that day
Tired and beaten down
She ignored the world that day

As the light faded outside her window
The darkness falling
Bringing the darkest of thoughts to her mind

As her family lay peacefully sleeping
The full force crushed down on her chest
She lay in her bed tears rolling off into her hair

Her lips pressed to her teeth by a shaking hand
To stifle the sobs trying to escape her stomach
Now filled with an entirely new emptiness

She lay in her bed
Alone with tormenting thoughts
And she sank herself
Silver Lining Dec 2013
She lost her last shred of hope

And with that..

                                                   she  
                        gave
                                   ­                                                                       
up

and

fell

d
    o
        w
              n
Silver Lining Jun 2014
I've never been able to yell
or scream at someone.
No matter how angry,
or how hurt I am.

It's a blessing
and a curse.

I live to please.
But who?
Myself? Certainly not.

Sometimes I get so angry
that I want to lash out.
Break something, throw
something against the wall.

Watch something shatter so I know
what it looks like inside my heart.

I pick up a jar, ready to hurl it at
a stone wall.
But just as soon as my arm pitches back,
it falls slowly to the ground.

I sink to my knees and the jar clicks softly
against the ground as I place it next to me.

Soft sobs raking through my body
As if on their own angry rampage.

Fingers dig into my hair, pushing it away
from my face, so that I may see clearly.

To see the unbroken jar still sitting peacefully
next to my hand, now flat on the concrete.
I have so much anger, but I do not have a temper. I can not **show** anger. I don't know why..
Silver Lining Dec 2013
burn my lips
cool my throat
warm my insides
sooth my soul
Silver Lining Nov 2013
First we see the moon, we trust that it'll be there.
The stars follow after, in the hope of being claimed.
As we live out the darkness, the sun becomes our beacon of happiness.
Silver Lining Dec 2013
I love you
only the idea of me
You're my everything
you have nothing then
You're my world
its an ugly one, im sorry
Trust me, trust someone for once in your life
i trusted someone once
We can make it through this
maybe i dont want to
You're giving upon us?
i gave up a long time ago
Sorry I wasn't enough for you..
stop
Why won't you talk to me?
because im not enough, im not right for you
I'll never find another.. You're it for me.
dont worry, just wait a few days
Say something!
i am.. you just can't hear me

I'll always be here for you
youve already left
There will always be a home for you with me.
...


*i want to go home..
Silver Lining Jun 2014
"What does it feel like?"

It feels like you're encased in concrete.
You can't breath.
There's needles lining your lungs.
It's bone crushing.
It feels like your head is spinning, instead of the earth.
You can't think straight.
There's a sea of rocks in your stomach.
It's heart wrenching.
It feels like someone took your heart, right out of your chest.
You can't feel it, not until
There's a stone wall to hurl it at.
It's a shattering empty jar across the wall.

But it's all worth it.
Every second of fighting and pain.
Because at the end of the day,
We still have each other.
And we always will.


"It feels amazing."
Silver Lining Nov 2013
I write when I am at a loss of words.
When I don't know how to express how I feel.
When I can't tell someone why I'm crying-
Because I don't know myself.

When I am at a loss of emotion..
I write music.
I pound away on the piano.
Which I find funny because-
I've never taken lessons.
I can't read the music.
I feel it instead.
Replacing emotion with music so I'm not so-
Utterly empty.
Silver Lining Feb 2014
I spend so many nights starring up from my bed.
Gazing upon the plastic glow in the dark stars.
Vision blurs as I long to be staring at the real thing.
Or maybe- it's not so much that I want to see them.
Maybe it's I want to be one- I want to be a star.
I want to be looked for- to be wanted so badly that people travel miles just to get far enough away to see me properly. What a different feeling, to be wanted. To feel so loved and cherished. That's all I've ever wanted, I want to feel noticed. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I don't just want to be wanted. I want to be wanted by you. So tell me, will you travel away from it all to see me? Will you miss me when you have to return to civilization? No.. No you will simply stay where you are- not bothering to take a chance on something you can't see. But why would you? So many shine brighter than me..
Silver Lining Mar 2013
A well liked outcast, a unique oxymoron in and of                 itself
But that's me
Unique
I fit in everywhere and nowhere
I AM a well liked outcast.
Silver Lining Jan 2015
And I thought I was getting better

      but then I woke up on the tile

the water had lost its heat and the burn had moved to my throat
Silver Lining Nov 2013
A black and white world seemed simple enough.
Two colors.
Two tones.
Two outcomes.
Two options.
         Two.
But in reality it is more complex.
People use black and white when describing     something that is clear as day.
But the endless shades of grey, the endless tones of black, the endless combinations of white.

How can we use black and white to describe something that's suppose to be simple?
      We can't really.
Try to describing the color red, when all you see is a shade of grey.

How would you know when two colors go together?
I guess they all would.
Grey matches grey.
White matches white.
Darkness, matches darkness.
So maybe, seeing in black and white is more clear..
       Maybe..
Silver Lining Jul 2015
I didn't use to cry over boys
Then you happened
You *******- you ruined everything
I had a perfectly constructed castle built
With little green soldiers protecting the gates
I catapulted marbles and gumballs, trying to keep you away.
But you came anyways
And with a Trojan horse
I let you in and you ******* broke me from the inside
You torn down my castle like it was made of cards
Three words held the power to blow it all down
And I cried.
I cried my eyes out when we parted ways.

A year later and I don't think the castle I constructed is as strong
Because another came along
And he trampled the green soldiers
He ripped right through the walls
And here I am again, considering digging a moat
That will surely be filled with saltwater for sharks
Silver Lining Apr 2014
Do you know the feeling?
    needles lining your rib cage
You can't take a deep breath.
    cant calm the earthquakes
So Breath for me
    live for me
Take my hand
   hold it steady
Because I'm ready
   *to fly myself home
Silver Lining Aug 2015
you said you were always going to be there
           but where are you now?
it's dark, and cold
     I am utterly alone drowning in this
         feeling of being
empty
Silver Lining May 2014
Bulimia is a scary thing.
That is a fact.
She'll cradle and choke you.
But she'll get rid of the fat.

Bulimia is a scary thing.
But this is for sure-
The burning in your throat and mouth
Will not be the only sore.

Bulimia is a scary thing.
Late at night when you're alone
She'll be with you
Kneeling at the porcelain thrown.

Bulimia is a scary thing.
Because very soon
She'll have you dreaming
Of being a thinspo.
No, I am not bulimic. Although I know people who are, so this is for them.
Silver Lining Nov 2013
Firey hot
Burning through the crowds
Burning through the endless voices
Together we will burn though

Just barley red
Where you just touched me

White- where you lingered.
Bubbling up through desire

But perhaps.. This is the wrong kind
Is there such a thing?
Silver Lining Nov 2013
I was careful, tip toeing around you
      careful not to step on a crack.
I figured you'd be the same, careful
      but something much better came with you.
You crashed into me like a tsunami
      flooding over and washing away everything.
Trying to break through the barrier
      with a stunning force.
I thought I had buillt myself up
      I thought I had become impenetrable
Thick thick walls, only tissue paper
      to you. You got through with terrifying ease.
You reached a level no one has on
      purpose before.
And now I realized, I let you.
      How did you go right through my defenses?
Bringing down that first wall,
      more following each time we talk.
Talk.. I've always hated talking.
      I could never do it in person, never.
Maybe with you I can.. probably not.
      my body wont' allow that. No. No.
I'll shut down. Clam up. Stutter my
      way into embarrassed silence.
But then again you've always excepted
      that part of me. That awful, awful part.
Although after fourteen years
      you've gotten me to talk more.
More than I ever have. You're special
      to me. you helped me.
You're perfect to me- even though
      you got through those walls.
Even though you broke the rules,
      maybe it was time, they were ancient.
A force-field broken by a special person
      The only, to ever proceed.


*You asked me to write a poem for you. I'm sorry it isn't very good, I hardly ever write with the intention of someone reading it.. But for you I broke a rule.
Silver Lining Aug 2014
Old friends & new couples
Barista aprons & vanilla poppers.
Silver Lining Jun 2015
I believe that people are made of star dust
We are shifting energy, constantly moving around the world
When we die our souls return to their rightful place in the sky
Zooming up to join the others, to link with each other
They give us stories to tell
A place to send our wishes and hopes
Somewhere for our dreams to live
They watch over us
Cheering us on
And waiting for the day that we may finally join them.
Silver Lining Sep 2014
Oh little Cricket,
         Why have you gone silent?
Silver Lining Jan 2015
Eyes of glass and body of stone
Your arms have become my home.

But I've never blushed easily
And your touch engines the blood beneath my cheeks so relentlessly.
I will be revising- stay tuned.
Silver Lining Jul 2014
I come visit you..
And I'll leave a daisy on your stone
So you know how you left a print on my heart.
A wilted flower of hope that had been given up
Six
Years
Ago..
I miss him. So. ****. Much.
Silver Lining Nov 2013
Dark splotches on the walls of the tub..
How does it not scare you?
It's become the normal and that scares me.

But you are me.
Silver Lining Aug 2014
Manila folders holding clues
Wine glasses filled with apple juice

And to my surprise, a broken heart
Just got a very needed jump start.
Silver Lining Oct 2013
Some people wake from a nightmare relieved that its over.
But have you ever gotten woken into one?

Stuck in a house with glass embedded in the walls
No door
No windows
Blankness staring back at you until you wake up
But how do you wake up when you never fell asleep?
In a dream when you get hurt you wake up.
So it makes sense really.
Trying to wake ourselves up
From this nightmare we live.
Silver Lining Nov 2013
A common th m  with th  way th  way that p opl  t nd to think, is that th y ar n't important to anything. That th y could disapp ar and not b  notic d.
Not b  miss d.
   But th y ar wrong.  v ryon  matt rs.  v ryon  is n   d d. W  all hav  a purpos  to fulfill.

So why not stick around for awhile longer?
Silver Lining Dec 2014
Eating disorders are not always dainty, pretty models.

They’re not sticking one finger halfway into your mouth, to immediately get rid of everything.

Or not eating for one day and losing weight automatically. 

Eating Disorders are not going shopping with your friends and having a good time because you fit in the same size as them.
Eating disorders are laying on the floor of the shower willing yourself to just do it already.

It’s starring at the shower drain for so long that when you finally look up it’s highlighted on the tile wall.

Eating disorders are shoving all your fingers down your throat and scraping your knuckles on your teeth to only throw up an oz of what’s in your stomach— and so you repeat and repeat until your body shakes and your nose burns.

Eating disorders are crying as you look in the mirror because even if you reach your goal weight, you know that it won’t be enough.

Eating disorders are being so weak that you don’t want to go out, all you want to do is lay in bed until your stomach stops hurting.

It’s not wanting anyone to worry, but also wanting to know why your heart gets sharp pains through it sometimes.

Why your head always ******* hurts.

Or why you’re so exhausted all the time, why you fall asleep in class as soon as you set your head down- but when you lay down at night you can’t fall asleep because there are voices screaming at you to do better.

To eat less. 

To weigh less.
I put this up on Tumblr a week or so ago and it's still getting notes. So I thought I'd bring it here and see what you guys think.
Silver Lining Oct 2014
Because you can't feel the tears sting your eyes if you're already drowning.
Silver Lining Jan 2015
And the ones that build you to be a skyscraper are the ones who shake you into rubble.
Silver Lining Apr 2014
It's so easy to be happy with you
                     To smile

It's so easy to feel better with you
                     To feel alive again

But of course- you can't stay
                     I know that

I want to feel this way on my own
                      When it's late

I want to feel safe when I'm alone
                      I will not be dependent

What would you do if you found out?
                     I hope you never do

Because those few hours of safety
                     Are keeping me *alive
It's stupid to say this I know- but he really is amazing. And I want to feel the way I feel when I'm around him all the time.
ED
Silver Lining Jul 2016
ED
"They're going to see how fat you really are if you eat in front of them. "
  no, they'll know I'm working on recovery.. this is recovery
"You didn't eat breakfast, so the day is already off to a good start. Why ruin it?"
i need to eat... food is good for me. it is fuel
"Food is fat. "
youre wrong
"Am I?"
...
"When you were in that awful place and they made you eat you gained, didn't you?"
yes but..
"You. Gained. Weight. "
my heart was in trouble
"They were lying. You weren't even underweight yet. We haven't reached our goal. "
maybe..
"We can still reach our goal. "
i don't know
"See? That wasn't so hard. Like old times, a lie here, a lie there. It's nothing. "
nothing..
"You're doing much better. "
i feel so tired
"That's from carrying all that extra fat on your body. "
they want me to go back to treatment
"NO. Everything we've worked for would be RUINED!!"
i don't feel good
"You're fine. You're beautiful. You're thin. "
my chest hurts
"You just need to do more cardio"


"Hello?"

"We reached our goal my love. Congratulations. You're all bone. "
Silver Lining Dec 2013
I'm like a pencil
My lead has run out
And my eraser is threatening to be done

Everytime I try to help
Or fix something
It wears out more

I'm wearing thin
Paper thin
I'm afraid that I don't have any more to give.
Silver Lining Dec 2015
Who would have thought that breath would ever be something that you have to focus on to make happen

Yet here I am, holding my breath because I forgot to think to exhale

I can not get enough air in and it feel like a block of ice is on my chest holding me down, freezing me out. I feel like I'm drowning but there's no water in sight.
Silver Lining Nov 2014
Have you ever been so exhausted that

your words come out like feathers,

and breathing feels like a chore?
Silver Lining Dec 2013
Get good grades
Take collage level classes
Get a job
Have a social life
Go on dates
Be pretty
Be skinny
Be normal
Be stable
Be safe

I need an escape.
To most teens that's drinking or smoking..
But no- I can't do that.
I  have to be perfect, don't you see?
In the church
In school
In life
But I'm only 16

There's a dark secret I keep
It use to be my escape
But it's affects are running out
I need something new to take me away
And that something I'm afraid, is you.
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