though my memories of you have faded
and i no longer remember the colors in your eyes
you will live forever in the pages of my journal
in my words, you will never die

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
i hope it doesn't remember me
with patchy red cheeks
and sorrow in my eyes

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
i hope it remembers me
reading peacefully in my favorite chair
and laughing on roller-coaster rides

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
for you are still beautiful
bright eyed and smiling
inside of mine

our entire love affair was built upon broken bones and splintered hearts
music blaring and adventure in your heart, you said my eyes looked
like the moon and my smile crafted from pure sunshine
your gray eyes captivated mine, but only for a short time
for our lips collided, your earth shattered and mine stayed the same
in the blink of an eye car rides in late may faded away
5am calls saying you were outside no longer came
terrible comedy shows no longer play
and your hand is no longer intertwined with mine
you were looking for forever and i for a good time
you fell in love with my broken bits and ink stained hands
but i didn't fall for you and your starry eyes

she tucked her feelings deep into the walls of her heart
with her quiet words and unwritten letters

the sun began to rise
and the soft morning light danced over us
your eyes flicker open
and i am engulfed in millions of colors
for you are stunning
and i am enamored by you

warm weather crept its way upon the cold january air
windows open and vinyl spinning
cats on window sills and candles glowing
and depression sinking into its foul lair
the seasons are changing, slowly
as well as the emotions residing within me
restored with a glimpse of warmth
flooding stale apartment air with the freshness of spring
truly allowing for new beginnings

why do you continue to check up on me
the constant opening of closed doors
silent messages left for me to decipher

why do you haunt me like this
creeping up on me during twilight hours
your grasp tight on me as darkness settles
the moon illuminating my silent bedroom

after we locked the doors the first time
why didn't you stay gone
you should've stayed gone

you cannot erase me or my existence, despite how hard you try. so, drink until you think you've forgotten my name.. or at least the sound of my voice. erase those 2am text messages declaring how much you loved me. delete those pictures of poems that i wrote for you. do as you please but whether you like or not, i am a part of your story. a scar in the back of your mind, a bleach stain in the depths of your heart.

ghosts keep knocking at the back door
tapping on windows
carving past mistakes into the floorboards

you see, ghosts are stuck in a melancholic haze
blind to the growth of a person
only seeing them in negative ways

so rather than allowing them to make a home in your chest
realize it is not you with a problem
it's their inability to give it a rest

my hand reaches across the sheets for you
and rather than pulling you close
i am left with a handful of emptiness,
the other half of my bed left ice cold
instead of harboring your warm body
yet, from miles and miles away
you're able to leave me speechless,
breathless even
so i will hug your pillow closer tonight
breathing in what's left of your cologne
until you return home

the ghosts are back again
constantly knocking at the front door
begging to be let in
they say they miss me and my tired eyes
my tear stained eyes
my heartbroken eyes
they say they want to move back in
to make a home inside of my chest
they say they will keep me warm
keep me from being alone
they plead with me to unlock the door
so we can be together once more
but i will listen to the constant knocking
allowing it to lull me to sleep
for a new day will rise and the ghosts will sink away
and i will be happy

and i wonder if your heart throbs like mine does
if you have a dull ache in your chest like i do
if your ribs are splintered
if the butterflies are gone
i wonder if you hurt like i hurt
because i haven't felt 'normal' since you left
i don't think my heart will ever beat the same

my world hasn't stopped spinning since you left
diagnosed with vertigo
a constant whirl of hazel eyes
a monotone voice on replay
a skipping record in my head
unsure of which direction i'm going
one second i'm next to you in bed
wrapped in white sheets
your breath hot against the back of my neck
and the next
i'm surrounded by darkness
i turn for you and
i sink deeper into this empty bed
love becoming a word covered in dust
i am covered in dust
trapped in the memories of yesterday
trapped in my own head
constantly spinning

the leaves are falling from the trees
a bundle of reds and browns and greens
the cold air begins to settle in
it rests on your chest, making its home there
slowly becoming a never ending shiver
the color dropping from your eyes
just like the dying leaves
your eyes soon become as dull as the naked trees

but i will swallow the sun to keep you warm
holding you between my arms
allowing the reds and browns and greens
to continue to thrive in your eyes
i will tuck away the cold
for the iciness of autumn brings the falling apart
and i would rather fall together

be tender with
whispered "i love yous"
be gentle with
promises of forever
use these words carefully
weave them slowly into your vocabulary
for they are the promises that hurt the most
when they are broken

i've found heaven
stumbled upon it accidentally
more than a time or two
swirled in different hues of blue
hidden within a timid smile
tucked into the words of my favorite song
i've found it within the hearts of strangers
the ones who hand me things from the top shelf
the ones who go out of their way to paint a smile on my face
i've found it buried in the hazel eyes of my lover
in his generosity that knows no bounds
in his warms hands and gentle embrace
stitched into his ever so caring heart
i've found it in family
blood and not blood
in their unconditional love
in their way of always making me feel wanted
heaven is right there
it's within arms reach
a golden sheen just waiting to be seen
defog your tired eyes and begin to really see
see the beauty in everyday things
the little things
sometimes i think we forget
heaven isn't that far away

for 8 years i have been wrapped up in him
memorizing every part of him
the way you memorize
the lyrics to your favorite song
but despite sharing a bed
and falling into each other every night
i don't think he knows me
not really

he doesn't understand why i bite the insides of my cheeks
or pick my fingers ******
i haven't introduced him to the demons resting on my chest
or the skeletons in my closet
he hasn't had midnight conversations with the monsters in my head
never truly seeing all of the bad
the hurt
the confused
maybe it's time he danced with the things haunting me
took a look into the book that is me
i think it's time he knows me
really knows me

you're like a dog
running back to its owner
the owner who first abandoned it
back to the owner who abused it
having loyalty to all the wrong things
faith in all the wrong places
love for all the things that hurt them

you don't want her to consume your thoughts
to fill your dreams, your nightmares
so instead, you make her your muse
you write about her in messy blue ink
you let her come back to life on the paper in front of you
just to see her dance one more time

you are like a dog
loyal to all of the things that hurt you

what is happy?
who is she?
we haven't spoken in awhile
it seems as if
we live on opposite sides of the world
for she no longer lives within my soul
she no longer dances on my lips
or on the different hues of blue
that live within my eyes
where has she gone?
i miss her so,
i desperately want her back
to kiss my swollen heart
and stop the bleeding

you and i
we will never see each other again
there won't be shared smiles
an awkward hello
or an awkward goodbye
you,
you were a part of my past
a necessary part
a good part
a painful part
and in the moments
you held my heart in your hands
you were exactly what i needed most

you claim i am unkind
swearing it by the dullness of my eyes
the sharpness of my tongue
the coldness of my hands

you swore it by the way i lunged
at anything that threatened me
anything that would protrude the barrier
i had built around myself

but where were you
when my eyes were
their bright blue hue
when my tongue wasn’t sharp
but soft and sweet
and i didn’t flinch
at the harshness of others

where were you
before the world got to me
and made me cold
where were you
when i warmed myself back up
finding everything light in the world
learning to love again

you claim i am unkind
which is fine
nobody is nice all of the time
but you only saw one moment
you didn’t see yesterday
you didn’t see tomorrow
you saw me battling the darkness
when i let the rotting, define me

where were you
when i stopped
letting the world define, me
and i began to define myself

and when you pressed your lips against mine
i swear i could taste every color in the sky

four walls surround me
my things rest on shelves
and within dresser drawers
my name is etched into the pillows
claw marks on the mattress
clothing littering the floor
specks of my dna live here
it’s been
398 days
10 hours
42 minutes
and 36 seconds
since i unpacked
and still it doesn’t feel like home
my things surrounding me
but they don’t feel like mine
the walls sigh my name
but it doesn’t sound like my name
i am a stranger in this place
a place that is supposed to feel safe
a place where i am supposed to live freely
happily
i long so desperately for a space
where i don’t solely reside within my bedroom
trapped in the confines of my bed
a space where i don’t step quietly
not wanting too much of me to be seen
a space where i can sing and dance freely
where i can etch my truth into the walls
and talk to the skeletons in my closet
a space where i don’t feel my breath is limited
careful you don’t say the wrong thing
because the walls may collapse
because the streets may become all you know
i just want a space of my own
a space where the walls sigh my name
and i can say “yes baby, i’m home”

your heart is as dark as the color of your eyes
a black hole hidden within a person
sending lovers tumbling and tumbling
constantly falling
but never reaching an end
never reaching security
the toxicity of your love is tragic
and yet you do not know it
ink seeping from your teeth
poison words
lethal lullabies
a siren singing her seductive song
she paints herself a pretty picture
luring you into the vortex of her heart
a black-eyed beauty
waiting for her chance to shatter you
to make you fall
like stars from the night sky

vengeful is she
who had her heart broken
who heard your lies softly spoken
vengeful is she
whose eyes are locked on your gaze
who has ink dripping from her teeth
for poetry is her weapon
and that swollen tongue of yours
is just another page in her journal
for every lie told
she carves a truth into the back of your throat
cramming each page further and further
until you choke on your lies
until you swallow your truths whole

i would love to meet the girl
whose hands you worship
even after they broke you
cracking you into two
leaving you black and blue
the girl whose name
didn’t leave your tongue for weeks
mumbling it in your sleep
everlasting in the diary of your mind
oh how beautiful she must have been
to have you praising her
as if she were a god
sitting on your knees
worshipping her at her feet
even after she broke your heart in two
and oh how i wish i could meet her
to finally see the hands you craved
the one’s in which you loved to fall apart

i am chipped nail polish
and shaky hands
i am a yellow marker ran over black ink
a little tainted, but still lively
i am both the highest point on a mountain
and buried deep in the depths of the ocean
i am my own ocean
feeling the slightest ripple
every breath taken
every noise made
creating tidal waves out of nothing
i am a warrior
one who couldn’t hurt a fly
but battles depression within the night
and is constantly fighting anxiety hands on
i am meant to wander
bare feet on freshly cut grass
wildflowers scattered through a field
driving with the windows down
i don’t belong
my blue eyes are stuck on the sky
wondering what its like to be cool
to not constantly stumble over simple words
to have people be curious
about the words slipping through my teeth
to be desirable
what one’s looking for
to not be looked at weirdly for getting excited over
everything
poetry, art, daydreams, cute girls and cute boys
you see, i am simpler times
unsure times, messy times, good times
i am a part of time
and yet, i am afraid of being forgotten
fearful that people who meant most to me
won’t remember the colors of my eyes
or the vision i had for my life
my words meaning nothing
i just want to be a part of something
i am a part of something
a small speck among the sea of stars
i am there and i am shining
i am slowly leaving my mark
i am more than i give myself credit for
i am me, i am special
i am fuzzy blankets and daydreams
i am nightmares and tired eyes
i am everything and nothing all at once
i am me
a mess of a girl with eyes far too wide
trusting too much and saying too little
and above all else
i am loved

leaving doesn’t mean i didn’t care
or that i no longer liked the taste
of your lips pressed deeply against mine
leaving doesn’t mean i didn’t love you
it doesn’t take away the meaning
of words spoke
of feelings felt
leaving just meant i couldn’t keep
loving
you
for it was bad for my health
leaving, leaving, leaving
the most popular word in my vocabulary
a topic flooding my mind for months
repeating, repeating, repeating
make it stop

leaving looked like
a strict diet of fingernails
and bones crushed into salt
it was swallowing chalk dust to begin the day
shoving shards of glass into the scars of my heart
trying to get my feelings to change
*** and *** and *** and ***
maybe it would awaken the part of me that still loved you
it was ripping myself from the comfort of my own home
standing alone in the woods
it was being afraid of the dark
and nightmares upon nightmares upon nightmares
it was swallowing my own heart
but leaving you..
it lead to a fresh start

this is a letter to all of those
who stumbled upon my dull eyes
and poetic words

i apologize to those who participated in
whispered i love you's and dreams shared
for watching from afar as your cared for me
a half of a whole

you held my body, empty
my soul scooped out of myself
like an acorn squash during winter months
nothing left but the skin
and my soul out among the wildflowers
searching for the missing parts of me
searching for my home

i placed my body in your hands
letting you sip the wine that made up me
drizzling you in honey, in sweetness, and in light
for i knew you would protect me
scrawling poetry into the broken bits
the unfiltered bits
you would cause me to feel something on cold winter nights

i am sorry that when my soul stumbled home
bringing home the bits that were missing
that you were left alone
standing in the dark under streetlights
unsure of where you went wrong
broken promises and dreams in your hands
drowning in your own love
suffocating on your sunshine
cursing yourself for loving too hard

i am sorry for hurting you
but thank you for loving me
even when i left you lonely

i am writing and writing but nothing good is coming from these ink stained pages. the smell of lemon grass surrounds these brick walls and a feeling all too familiar fills my soul. flashes of bubbly laughter and eyes so alive. the sun shines through the window casting light onto the walls surrounding me, but despite all of the light all i see is darkness. despite only writing about the good, about the soft and warm things, about love and lust. despite thinking only of your hands tangled in my hair and your lips deeply pressed against my neck, the things that should set my skin on fire but instead leave me ice cold. unable to feel the warmth, trapped in the winters of yesterday, my favorite sweater no longer bringing comfort.
maybe i am lost
maybe i am alone

hot pavement on bare feet
scraped knees and bruised shins
sunburnt shoulders and a never fading smile

what i would give to be a child again
to not know of all the bad in the world
to know just the old lady next door
and my best friend who lived across the street

what i would give
to have my rose-colored glasses returned to me
my biggest fear, my best friend not wanting to play with me
or the monster hiding under the bed
spending days in the front yard
reading far too many books
writing way too many stories

what i would give
to not know what a broken heart felt like
to never have wished for my own death
to have never spent nights on the cold bathroom floor
to still think i was worth the world
to not for a moment, become the person i never wanted to be

what i would give
to take back my innocence
to take back that never fading smile
for my worst hurt to be
falling and scraping my knee

take me back
to hot pavement and bare feet
sun kissed hair and bruised knees

there is a part of her missing
and it's not hidden between the lines of her journal
or the baby hairs constantly tucked behind cold ears
a part hidden by too much sunlight
it's not secrets under fingernails
or worrisome thoughts engraved deeply into smile lines

a part of her is missing
but it cannot be found in books yet to be written
in artful lines and timid smiles
in the iris of her eyes
it's not mapped out by the freckles on her shoulders
or in the laughter spilling from her insides
it's not written in her tears
or in the dreams that haunt her

a part of her is missing
it cannot be found or unlocked by you
you cannot bring it out into the daylight
or hold it up to the moonlight
for she has to be the one to stumble upon
the part of her that she is missing

who knew five words could cause my heart to fall hard onto the tile floor beneath me

who knew five words could cause rivers to pour from my eyes, my swollen heart the only thing keeping me afloat

who knew five words could make me unable to leave my bedroom for weeks. a blue bird who had her wings clipped, a song bird locked in her cage

who knew five words could cause so much pain

it is so, so easy
to write about cold beds
and tear stained cheeks
yet, it is difficult
to write of memories,
                                       of thoughts,
                                                       ­      of happiness
the things that could illuminate city streets
so for now,
i will lay my head to rest
and come morning
i will write about the bright,
the stars that shine despite the night

i've went off on my own now
but you will always have a special place in my heart
my heart will still flutter at the sound of your name,  
for it will wake up the parts of me that have long been asleep
i've taken your photos off my bedroom walls now
and stopped listening to your favorite song on repeat
it's the little things that bring you back to mind
...
two people holding hands along the trail by your house
laughing like we used to
or
someone singing a little too loudly like all of the times i listened to you singing your favorites in the shower

everywhere i go someone or something reminds me of you and with every thought,
                            i shiver.

i imagine you think this is a love poem, but it's not
rather a poem of remembrance

i've went off to walk my own path now
but you will always have that place in my heart
a place that you pushed and shoved your way into,
a place tainted by your fingertips
fingerprints that are like the lipstick that stains your lips
long after you've removed it

i've gone my own way now,
but i will never rid myself of thoughts of you
no matter how hard i try

dance with me
spin me around our bedroom in the dark
until my knees become weak and i can no longer feel my feet
dance with me
take me by the hand and crash with me hard into our bed
dance with me beneath these cotton sheets
our ballad will cause mountains to move and stars to fall
dance with me
allow our souls to collide
and our hearts to become one
dance with me
i want to spend the rest of my life spinning in your arms

i called him sweet
for nectar dripped from his lips
and a pink tint stained his cheeks
looking away at every compliment made
he always knew what to say
dipping every word in honey
he was sweet
he had a sugar coated smile
but the aftertaste was not worth one's while

i was madly in love with him
and the twilight that danced in his eyes
his laughter contagious
and his body pure art
he shined so brightly
even in the dark
he was everything to me
i loved him
with my entire heart
and sometimes,
he loved me too

when i open my eyes
all i see are the ghosts of yesterday
their silhouettes dancing along my walls
in the morning light
i see all of the promises broken
wishes left unspoken
and my heart longs for something
something it's never truly known

but when i close my eyes
i see you and i
lost in the forest of your eyes
your lips deeply pressed against mine
fireworks illuminate the sky
and for once my heart beats slowly
it doesn't long for anything
for once i feel at home

why did you come back?

why did you write poems along my inner thighs and trail your fingertips along my spine as if i were your favorite book if you had no intentions of staying?

why fill my heart with liquid sunsets and my eyes with the most extraordinary constellations if you weren't going to stay awhile and admire the beauty of the affect you have on me?

why did you whisper "i love you", read my favorite poems, and cause flowers to grow deep within my rib cage?

why come back and make me feel as if everything was alright?
that this, this was our second chance and that you and i were the beginning of something beautiful

why strip me to the bone and see me at my most vulnerable when you were just going to rip the flowers from my rib cage to give to her?

why come back if it was her the entire time?

these cotton sheets no longer wear your name like it's their favorite cologne, but the room surrounding this prison of a bed has yet to be decluttered of you

faded purple flowers sit in a vase on my desk, they've been there since my last good memory of you, back when you said you loved me too

a promise ring that no longer lives on my left hand, buried deep in the back of my jewelry box bound to be forgotten and stumbled upon years from now, when memories of you will make me smile instead of cry

and there's a box in the corner of the room with ******* letters on the side spelling out your name. inside sits the sweatshirt you gave me years before, headphones and a cd, pictures, tokens of our memories. folded nearly on top is a letter written to you, telling you that i'm still madly in love with you and your forest eyes, telling you that i don't think my heart will ever forget the man who brought it to life. on the backside of that letter is a poem asking why you ever came back if it was her the entire time

let me tell you about the sunshine girl
cloaked in copious shades of yellow
radiating kindness and hope
from every atom of her being
a single girl who is brighter than the universe in its whole
she has a heart filled with celestial beauty
and hands that carry galaxies
always found on her rooftop
admiring the moon and her stars
or
van gogh's sunflowers
loving that he and she alike
swallowed yellow paint in search for happiness
using the brightness of yellow
to escape the darkness of their minds for awhile
and while you think she's just admiring
the moon
poetry
and paintings
deeply thinking
or daydreaming
she's really waiting for a shooting star
to hear her wish
and take her far, far away from here

tell me how you're able to do that
how do you carry all of those stars in your eyes?
how do you breath in the negativity and breathe out light?
tell me how you filled your heart with liquid sunsets
and your soul with symphonies
tell me these things
and i'll tell you how extraordinary it is to have fallen in love with you.

the smell of boy
the faint smell of perfume
a crazy cat and a yappy dog
***** clothes litter the floor
the television constantly displaying some sort of video game
and a beautiful boy
with the most astonishing hazel eyes lying in bed next to me
this is happiness, this is home

your eyes once reminded me of a forest
filled with oak trees and evergreens
i moved in without a second thought
and made my home among the trees
dwelling in the woods that thrived in your eyes
but quickly i learned it was all an illusion
for the trees shed their color
and i was trapped in seclusion
the forest in your eyes was filled with nothing but darkness
a place haunted by past lovers
of dreams
and things long forgotten
i was added to the list of things no longer wanted
i wanted nothing else but to leave
but i got lost within the eternal darkness
and here i am, nemoricultrix

someday i wish to be the poem
instead of the one writing the artful lines
i want to see myself
through someone else's eyes
i want to turn my heart off
to put my feelings on pause for awhile
to have someone else write about my smile
i want to be numb, for just a day or two
to take a walk in somebody else's shoes
i long to be the creation
the words from someone else's pen

i hope at some point she makes you think of me

i hope you go to say her name but stumble over mine with your twisted tongue because you always dated girls whose names started with 'm'

i hope when you are slowly tracing your fingertips along her spine, you close your eyes and secretly wish it were me you were tracing like the pages of your favorite book

i hope when you see her smile and cause an uproar of laughter from the depths of her soul, that you remember the way you described my smile as ever changing and now you will never get to see them all

i hope that when she reads you something she writes and the words are rolling off her tongue, you just stare at her teeth and think of the first thing i ever wrote for you

i hope at some point she makes you think of me, i hope she tastes like cold winter nights and has eyes that resemble the moon.

i hope she makes you happy.

curiosity;
that's what the love we shared was made of
a sweet, sweet curiosity to see if i could fix you
and you could fix me

constellations line your back
your very own tattoo of the skies map
you've got stardust coursing through your veins
forever showing your heart the way
and you've got galaxies in your eyes
baby don't you see it
you were born to shine

when you began to wear more gray shirts because i said i liked the color on you
when my favorite songs slowly found their way into your playlists
when your ****** expressions started to look a lot like mine
when you began to talk like me, using the same words as i
this is when i knew you were mine