hummingbird heart
when your fingers touch my spine
electric shocks scuttle through my mind
bubbly laughter spills from my insides
bubble-gum tongue
cotton candy lips
and a billion stars dancing in your eyes
you hold me in your hands
a hot stone
shifting occasionally to relieve the heat
but never letting go
poetry personified
pure perfection
a golden heart and a soul full of sunshine
a dream come true
a story book ending
you are everything i have ever wanted

tonight
the moon is brighter
the crickets louder
my heart larger
i've learned to love myself
the creases in my hands
the oddness of my mind
the way i give too many chances
even though i know i'm bound to be broken
i have fallen in love
with the poetry that spews from my lips
and how somedays my heart turns a shade of gray
because it's been damaged too many times
i have learned to love myself
because you can't trust others
to love you and your broken bits
to love your complications
to love your mind
you can't trust someone to always stay
for as soon as the days become rainy
they pack their bags and head to warmer weather
they fall for someone different
a soul with warmer hands
and eyes that resemble the moon
but soon enough the storm strikes there too
and they're right back knocking at your door
and tonight, i'm strong enough
to say goodbye

tangled hair falls just below my collarbones
dull blue eyes and a button nose
rosy cheeks and acne scars
i. am. ordinary.
i am not the girl with bright eyes and bubbly laughter
i'm not the girl you'll remember passing in the coffee shop
the one whose smile lit up the entire room
i'm not the girl you stay up late trying to figure out
the one you just can't get out of your head
i. am. ordinary.
i will not leave a footprint on your heart
nor am i the book you constantly reach for on the shelf
i do not remind you of the stars, the moon, or the sun
i. am. ordinary.
and i, like all ordinary things
am made for forgetting
and you will forget me

that girl will turn you into poetry
she will write about the way your starry eyes shine so brightly
when talking of the things you're passionate about
she will write about falling in love with a mind more potent than
any drug and laugh like wind-chimes
she will write about the way your voice sounds at 3am, the way your
eyes crinkle when you smile, and the way you look at her when you say "i love you"
that girl will turn you into poetry
she will catch every little thing you do
every tilt of your head, every fidget with the sheets, every nervous laugh, and every shy smile
she'll analyze the meaning behind them and put them on paper because she's fallen in love with the things you didn't even realize you were doing
that girl will turn you into poetry
she will memories the feel of your hand in hers, the shape of your mouth, and the sound of your heart thumping as she lies on your chest
that girl will love you like a poet
so be gentle, for many poets die of a broken heart

"you're so strong"
something i have heard a billion times
because i know how to fake a smile
and stop the tears from flowing from my eyes
i am not strong
but i am not weak
i'm just struggling

you don't see everything
you don't look past the curtain of artificial sunshine
or take the time to read the book that is me
you don't see the nights consisting of no sleep
of vomiting and crying
laying on the cold bathroom floor
the days i don't want to live anymore
the days where changing my clothes
is far too hard

i am struggling
carrying around concrete feet
dragging a backpack full of bricks
handfuls of emotions
of trials
of errors
and no space to put them
but smiling for all of the right people
saying the things i know need to be said
keeping attention far away
because to you, i am strong
to you i can concur the world
and oh how i wish i could

i've always hated my middle name
lacking in individuality
a commonplace name
given to half the girls in my graduating class
it never sounded right
it never seemed like it fit
it didn't feel like it belonged to me
that is until you started to use it
my first name foreign to your lips
and somehow it made flowers grow around my rib-cage
restricting my lungs, causing me to catch my breath
in a good way
it made my cheeks rosy
for when you uttered those 5 letters
it sounded like wind chimes
a hummingbird's wings
my heart matching the rhythm
53 beats per second
for it was something no one else called me
a name far from unique
but you made it sound beautiful
you made it charming
a gesture so endearing

it's almost completely silent
in the bedroom we share
except the whirring of the fan
and the constant buzzing of your phone
anger sits stale in the air
my heart sinks with every text message you send
for it isn't your words calling out to me
asking me to just lay in bed for awhile
holding hands in silence

i sit curled up in an oversized sweater
the one you gave me because parts started to fray
and i don't know why you've never saw beauty
in the things that grow old
i draw swirls in the sand
like the ones in your eyes
as i watch the ocean waves crash into the shore
i watch and watch
admiring the force behind a single wave
thinking how in a moments notice
it could steal my life away
you are in love with the ocean
you used to love me
how ironic it would be
if the ocean was the thing that killed me

and when you say my name
i hope it burns like whiskey in the back of your throat
i hope it rips at your insides
just like you did to mine
because you kissed her
after you had spent the night kissing me
you took me out to a movie and dinner
then ****** me beneath your sheets
only to go to a ball game the next day
to watch fireworks, explode in the sky
and the whole time she was sitting by your side
kissing you and staring into your eyes
you sat and told me you loved me
that i was the girl of your dreams
that you would never do anything to hurt me
you wrote it with your lips onto my skin
etched it into the depths of my heart
your name flowing through my veins
only for me to find
that you've been telling her you loved her too
etching the same words into her heart
telling her that she was your world
that is was she who made you happier than you've been
in a long, long time
you had to decide between both her and i
two girls with ocean eyes
and when you chose her
my heart died
and here i stand a half of a whole
with no idea where to go

you tell me that it didn't matter
that she didn't matter
but EVERYTHING matters
every drip from the leaky faucet
to every ray of sunlight shining through the window
every tear that has ran down a cheek
to every pebble in the street
everything matters
everything is part of a story
and she is part of yours
for a moment,
she was all that mattered

i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
i daydream about things that i shouldn't
i write about things in messy blue ink that i shouldn't
i say things that i shouldn't
i fight for things that i shouldn’t
i overthink and obsess over things that i shouldn't
but i do these things anyway and i don't regret any of it
for i am leading a messy life
written in the messy ink of my favorite pen
i'm writing about all of the blues and blacks of this thing
this thing that i call my life
and i don't regret it
i don't regret messaging people that i shouldn't
apologizing for things that no longer hold any relevance
i don't regret dancing in the middle of meijer with my friends
or screaming at the top of my lungs in parking lots
when the world just gets too **** heavy
and i can no longer carry its weight on my shoulders
i don't regret burying myself in bottles of liquor and my favorite book
i don't regret the bridges i've burnt
or the one's i rebuilt
i don't regret kissing you at every red light
or sleeping with you on that cold february night
i don't regret venturing back into the arms of the person who hurt me
giving him a second chance
placing my heart in one hand
and a knife in the other
i don't regret any of it
i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
for they make my life a life worth living

you were forced at a young age to remove the rose-colored glasses
the ones that blur your vision of all negative things
forced to see the world for what it truly is through ocean eyes
at an age where you weren't ready
and because of this you've fallen deep into the void within yourself
surrounded by what you think is eternal darkness
your heart has fallen deep into the pits of your stomach
you look at what you don't think can ever be mended
and you've lost sight of love
you were a dealt a hand with many low cards
but you are so much more than the things surrounding you
you see the world in full color instead of black and white
and now you're discouraged, but why?
do you not see those stars in your eyes shining ever so brightly?
you think you are trapped in eternal darkness
what you do not realize is that you're a phoenix rising from the ashes
creating constellations with every breath you take
you're leaving your mark on this world with everything you write
providing hope for everyone in sight
you are so much stronger than you believe
you were created directly from the core of the earth
your bones made from iron and nickel
a creation of the universe
you've got stardust flowing through your veins
and electricity in your hands
you are so much more than you think
you are loved more than you believe
your cards may not have been kings and queens
but you're building universes with what you have
and that makes you extraordinary

tonight, i lay in bed with my lover
legs tangled up together
feeling every breath he takes with the rise and fall of his chest
and i listen to the beat of his heart
telling me that this is forever

but what is forever and how long is it actually?
8 months? 10 years?
where will it take us?
an apartment complex with no AC but a love so endearing?
or a big house somewhere as we watch our kids play in the front yard?
or maybe just until morning
for when the sun rises you'll decide this isn't what you wanted
just capture the moment
right here, right now
because maybe forever only lives on in photographs
of things bound to be forgotten

all i know is that in this bed of memories is where i want to stay until i am nothing but dust and bones. and maybe flowers will grow from the ashes in honor of the love we share, resembling the hopes of forever. for maybe the bodies we inhabit won't live forever but the memories of the life we lived and the loved that lived within us will.

this time last year
i was a completely different person
i had a heart depleted of hope
and eyes filled with dark matter
all life was lost

this time last year
i left a relationship that was destroying me
a relationship that was grinding my bones into dust
just for amusement
just to see how far i could be pushed
until i would crumble

this time last year
i felt like dying
i felt like disappearing
running from this small town
to a place where no one knew my name

this time last year
i started meaning something to someone
someone who wasn't myself
and once again my world began turning

this time last year
i was at the lowest i had been in a long time
but i was also at my highest
a walking paradox
my body felt dead
but my soul was still breathing

and because of this time last year
and the people who started caring
i am here today
365 days later

eighteen, the year i fell in love and started writing again
the year i wore my heart on my sleeve
the year i was a little more reckless
and a lot more free

i use to hate the color green but soon it was my favorite
because his eyes were a dream
our love was fleeting because of me
3000 miles and a broken heart
i never got to make him feel like pure art

everything is so much sweeter in the dark
love affairs in your car
we gazed up at the stars
and hazel eyes made their way back into my heart
from seven years
to a broken heart
and now, a fresh start

eighteen
it was filled with
love, lust, and many memories
poetry, playlists, and many dreams
eighteen was lovely

there are so many who don't even have to try
born to be social butterflies
they've got friday night hearts
and party light eyes
crafted from pure sunshine
their words are glitter laced
and their smiles warm and inviting
born with swift tongues
and dancing feet

then there are those
born to the world of nature and art
they've got sunday morning hearts
and stars in their eyes
crafted from pure moonlight
their words laced with daisies and moonflowers
crooked smiles and rosy cheeks
born with clumsy tongues
and two left feet

- so, which are you? a soul crafted by the sun or the moon?

i use to highlight all of my favorite parts
of every single poetry book i ever read
covering the lines in neon yellow
notes scribbled on the side
of how a certain line made my heart drop
i use to doggy ear the pages
of my most favorite poems
or just so i wouldn't lose my spot
but you hated the splatters of neon yellow
and the scribbles of intimacy on the side
you disliked my folding of the corners
it was silly to leave my mark on a book
that wasn't even mine
no longer does neon yellow ink trace my favorite lines
pages are free from crinkled corners
and notes about the way the artful lines
made my heart do flips
and made my eyes drip
just black and white pages
no trace that i have ever been there
for now
i feel everything in silence
you made me silent

i am not the person you left behind anymore
i have new favorite songs, new bad habits, a new favorite color
my hair is different, my heart is different, my soul is different
the scars on my heart are now stars
i am shining brighter than ever
the freckles covering my skin are a map of my future and my past
i am lighter than ever
my smile tells stories of the places i've been
i am happier than ever
i'm not the person you left behind anymore
remanence of the past still lingers
but there is no one left here to miss

your eyes mimic the forest we walk through
like a chameleon they blend in with the trees
filled with so many reds and browns and greens
you took my hand and pointed
to the sun shining between the leaves
my heart fell for you in this moment
wildly but with ease
it was here i said i loved you
quietly beneath the trees
and it is here that i made my home
never again wanting to be alone
for i fell madly in love with the boy
the boy with sharp white teeth and a forest within his eyes
the boy who i'm going to love for the rest of my life

lavender resonates in the air
of the bedroom, we never shared
the sheets are clean, never dirtied
for our love was never spilled there
only tears from tired eyes
tears from silent goodbye's
after love was dead and gone
and i was alone at dawn
so, desperate to put my eyes to rest
i ripped the lavender from my chest
the lavender that grew
from every whispered i love you
i doused my pillows and sheets
with every last bit hopeful for sleep
it's sleep i never got
rather just melancholic rot
and now the smell of lavender makes me sick
as it reminds me of you
and the days and nights that ended too soon

though my memories of you have faded
and i no longer remember the colors in your eyes
you will live forever in the pages of my journal
in my words, you will never die

with ocean eyes and words drizzled in honey i pulled you into the whirlpool that is my heart

for a while we spun beneath the stars
laughing in each other’s arms
for you had found a place you thought was safe
and i had found a boy who fell too quickly for the tides in my eyes

around and around we spun
our hearts beating to the same drum
you never let go of my hand
for you finally found a place to let your eyes rest
and a head to lovingly lie on your chest

but things got ever so rocky
when you got trapped in the vortex of my soul
you walked away with blood shot eyes
and tear stained cheeks
i walked away with my eyes a little more gray
from the tears that dripped down your face
a pen dipped in the inkwell of your heart
and a story to write about a boy who fell too hard

she dances with the devil
she's a forbidden thing
a forbidden people
she converses with the master of manipulation
quite good at the language of lies
cloaking herself in kindness, in sweetness, and in light
she's watching you always, the things you say and write
waiting for the day your heart is not shining so bright
and when she sees you are hurting
she waits and waits
until the day you finally break
the day you collapse to the floor
and feel like the world is too much to bare anymore
then she walks right in, right through your front door
she uses your hurt and picks at your scars
she haunts you and haunts you
she's the shadow on the floor
she's a demon disguising herself among people
she spent too long dancing with pure evil

we met when we were both unraveling.
i was speeding around in my car with music blaring not caring if one day i never went home and you pushed away the truth because you didn’t like the sound of other peoples opinions

you were a breath of fresh air, someone who cared about the crazy thoughts in my head and you called them poetic when sometimes i wish you would’ve just reminded me that it’s okay to cry, i don’t have to appear happy and strong all of the time

i was a thunderstorm of emotions and as i stood in the pouring rain i watched as my house burned down. instead of opening up and telling you i let it rip apart my insides because i didn’t want to burden you with the reality that you couldn’t fix it, you couldn’t fix me

i was a book shut tight, with an unbreakable lock keeping me closed and you were silent and didn’t like the taste of my name in your mouth until it was too late. together we were a mess, a storm of emotions, an unhealthy love affair

let me grow among the wildflowers
let me bust through the pavement
and grow wherever i so please
set my soul free
release me from this world
where society
                           magazines
                                                and tv
tell you who to be
how you should look
how you should speak
is this really the life you want to lead?
where you are a walking copy
a construction of society
being fed opinions
                                   dreams
                                                 and fantasies
strip your face of make-up
and burn the magazine
escape the cage you live in
become the song bird you were meant to be
set yourself free
go sit among the wildflowers
and see how good different can be

i see the moon and she sees me
lighting up my bedroom walls
at half past three
she hums me lullabies telling me
that i am a child of the cosmos
made completely of stardust
i'm part of the universe you see
my atoms pieces of the galaxy
the protons and electrons that make up me
are the same ones that compose the milky-way
my home among the stars is already fabricated
a space etched out just for me
and when i die and my bones turn to ashes
i will return home and shine ever so brightly
among the sea of stars