I saw a ship when you passed
It made me wonder so much
About what we meant
Was your ghost with me
During or after it all?

In the light of day
I find myself gazing
At what-once-was
And at night I cry
A howl of pain and misery

It wasn't your fault, my love
I knew better than to wish it away
When the weight is dropped
I am stuck with memories
Of your living nightmares
Oh my god, I ******* it all up
It was lost and now is found
I want to slip away from this
I can't live with reminder notes
At the nightstand of my lonely bed

I'm forever filled with a hole inside
A misery-soaked life, slowly but surely
Dead.

I see it
A change is taking place
The good in all is nowhere
Every life is taken for granted
Memories are strung together
In a lost papier-mâché craft
Gaining dust in a Kindergarten classroom
Where the boys and girls of tomorrow live
In a crazed life filled with
Devices and contraptions
It makes us all feel blue
But we caused it
What we see is what we want
We see what we caused
We kissed the sweet lips of evolution
And it opened its legs to innovation
Save the stress for later
We'll all worry about it another time
When silver bullets are sprouting
In the garden of our beautiful
African-American brothers and sisters
And a disillusioned land of education
Save them from this misery
Such a shame that we gave our best
Now you see it -- our paradise is ******.

In the grand scheme of life
You see me, a lost dreamer
Standing on the periphery and
Fantasizing at what might be
Genius it is to live someone else's life

Then I found him, in all his scars
He was a kind soul trapped in beauty
And I found him, oh how lovely it was
I never thought I'd be so lucky
In all my circumstances to be given
Such a beautiful man, such a warm heart

It is us, all of us, nothing but us
He shares his life with me, and I accept
If this should be true, I accept all
I will take his love in my palms,
Caress his purity and die right there
In a blanket of protection and serenity
All is not lost, just found in him.

Those feelings were never built to last,
I should have known a long time ago
I would flow like the wind,
Living without a purpose
But I was happy

Nothing to do, nothing to prove
So I would take off into the sky.
Soaring without a clue.

Seven billion people,
and not one voice.

Before the years of bitterness
He was a boy with innocence
In this innocence, he lived happily
Looking through his books,
Longing for nothing

It was a funny thought
To think anything less
He had no clue what it was
Nor did he imagine it
He simply enjoyed his happiness
In the way that little boys do

Today I live as a lunatic
By simply looking at someone
For more than five seconds
A cry of assault can be heard
From a range of six miles
In every suburb, district, nation
And a group of hypocrites
To tell you to remain pure

I once saw life as an expression,
As it should be seen
You can question many things
Except love
I don't just want happiness--
I want a life of passion

How can they expect me to make magic
With these bursts of time they give to me?

I live through visions of distortion,
Wondering how to remain confident
Even through all the troubles and trials
That bind me from being who I thrive to be

I gave you a minute
To live for yourself
For once in your life
And you rolled up all that I had
To create a person
I had never met before

Through these visions you find
A hazy glimpse of what-once-was;
It spirals and contorts around
To find its chance at a true color
But it stays in its kaleidoscope of craziness

I'll remember those times
Long ago when it felt real
To visit someone amazing
Who I could spend every moment
With and not want to leave

I could explain everything to you
And you would listen and be
There for me
I would want you to be here
To smile full of joy and whisper,
I'm so proud of you

You will be there watching
All those great moments, and
I will feel happy knowing that
You are there to witness it all

I wish I could go back
To that happy place
once more.

The girl with purple hair is sitting at my bar again.
I think she is beautiful. And not in a way that I wanna have awesome *** with her but in a way that I want to drink chocolate martinis with her
and go shopping for christmas vests that have tinkly bells and possibly polar bears with hats on them.
She is having a full-body cry. I am the worst bartender, simply
because I don't know how to counsel people without crying back at them.
She is crying about the state of women.

I know that we come from the same rotting wood, so all I do is nod.

"How is it that three quarters of the women I know have been ***** or molested?
What does that say about the men that I know?
**** is not a man behind a bush with a knife, she laughs
It's kissing you on the mouth like whiskey at a nice bar."
The girl with purple hair and I are holding hands now,
"I only wanted an apology,
an acknowledgement of what occurred."
Grappling as artists, as girls, as ships in bottles,
how do we change any of it?
I tell her I am going to write a poem.
She says no one wants to hear a **** poem.

And I know she's right.

Have you ever seen a stampede of horses?
Do you wonder what the hooves look like from underneath?
Have you ever tasted the blood from biting your own lips because you couldn't say no loud enough?
"I never fought back. I kept my thighs tight and
closed, but once he's inside you, you wish you were the streetlamp, the
store clerk, a street lamp, a bed of calla lilies-

anything but a woman.

In that moment, our eyes glaze over, and they stay that way for years.
That's when you've lost.

I’m a civilized individual, I must admit,
Caved inside a privileged home where I
Live in solace; it’s hard
To complain about anything else
Living isn’t the same as living, and it pains me
Each day is never like the next
It took me years to hit my lowest, and somehow
I still function with this empty gas tank of motivation—
I’m the true face of an unwanted miracle.

I feel like Jimi Hendrix at his lowest,
After his high during Woodstock
I live in a world where expression
Is laughed at, casted off as batshit crazy—
Maybe this slump of mine is the great art project
That Andy Warhol never got to craft
Of course, he would never give this mess
The time of day; no one wants to see
A car crash of lost innocence
I should be out on a football field, people say,
Acting as defense, yet I can’t
Even defend my internal suffering
Life’s a ***** with those kind of things
To cover up and protect other people’s ugliness.


I would never want to do that; I’d rather slowly
**** myself ten feet away from a computer screen,
Reading the ****** judgements of the world
And understanding that I’m not the only one
Living a life of regrets and decisions.

Oh yes, life is a *****—
But it’s the most interesting ***** you’ll ever meet.

Behind these four walls
I see a man looking for an escape
He grips a knife, looking at possibilities--
Perhaps he'll slash his wrists
And let his love pour open;
Maybe he'll **** the noise
That surrounds his daily fuss;
Either way, I know better
Than to answer the calls of such a man
In the mirror, I see him, say goodbye
And wonder when we'll meet again.

It's always nice to stick my head out
And let the wind hit my restless pupils
As I drive along the rocky road
This is where I find the greatest solace,
Never having to explain myself,
Never having to worry about life
And the troubles of being human.

I think about her on these trips,
With her hair flowing freely
Against the sides of my car
With my hand pressed against her,
I find us at peace with each other
You are so gorgeous.

This is what I live for.

You died,
and a year has passed

I don't know how to explain
how much I miss you
without being stabbed
by needles in my throat
sometimes I wonder
if the pain from losing you
is drawing me closer to you
but I pray it isn't time yet

You died,
and a year has passed

And every time I write those words,
it hurts me inside
because I can't believe them;
it can't be about you,
you're here

You died,
and a year has passed

I loved and I lost,
and I will continue to love
with your memory inside me
with every person I meet

I died,
And a year has passed.

Each day, her head swiftly shifts
so that       I might,       more easily,
lean in to untangle the silver chain
from her leather string necklace;
                              and each day,
her summer skin, the cool sensation of her
breath around my lips as we kiss,
               entangles me.

Boxes will remain boxes,
Resting in the same place
Even through dark nights
As if they must understand and
Know that they can't do anything;
Nothing is worse than having nowhere to
Go to for a home.

Feeling like a deserted ship is a
Rite of passage that everyone will
Experience in their life; the
E**scape is further away than you think.

In a storm of chaotic proportions,
I sit in my backyard and gaze
At my life as it all pours down
Who needs a mirror to see
Their reflection in this beauty?

I worry about where my life will go
And shudder at the idea of loneliness
Because I know that I'm a freak
They think I'm an awkward mess
And I couldn't agree more
Where can I hide myself
From being exposed to this cruel world?

If there's anyone I have to thank
For the life that I've been given,
I can only otherwise thank myself
I don't want to be a republic
I wish for absolute power
Because nothing else satisfies me
Like being in control of my life
Is this the root of my problems,
Or am I just a doomed mess?

We cross paths and I want to scream
At the thought of not saying hello
It isn't just a simple kind of romance
When society has their opinions equipped
Why does wanting you feel so wrong,
But loving you feel so right?

I can see us together in my dreams,
With my arm around you as we sleep
And we embrace our warmth beneath the sheets
That will be when I know that
I've felt your warm beating heart.

Maybe one day I can call you mine
Or say that you got away
But I know better than anyone
That you either stay forever
Or break off, only to wonder,
*Were they truly the one?

Sometimes you feel like a badass,
Walking around no worries,
No cares, no concerns, nothing
You carry everything except hope
Inside a black backpack.

Sometimes I think that
Going home and running away
Are one and the same
Why choose both?
When a loving family is there
Waiting for you at the end of the day,
Can you ask for anything else?

Sometimes being a rebel
Isn't all it seems to be
And you find foolishness
As a wish for childhood
Even if for just a minute.

It's true that I'm lost
through a dark and lonely cave
and it's true that I have myself
stuck deep inside of its misery
I'll admit that I love it and want
to be there for as long as possible
my friends say that it is unhealthy,
that I'm ruining my happiness
but what could be more happier
than being ten thousand feet away
from the troubles of the world?

When my body aches in pain,
When my loved ones leave,
When my hair turns gray,
When my brain loses memory,
When my heart beats no more,
My love will be as pure and whole
As the day that I first met you.

There's no more room to breathe,
No more stories left to be told
I've been living in the same place
For one too many years now
It's a harsh world to face,
And I'll need to figure it out
Moving farther away from my past
To bring me closer to my future
Here I have such a history to carry
I must sit and accept that the people
I love the most will leave me
To find their place in this world.

Where's mine?

Within us all lives a spirit
There is no easy way to decipher it
It creates feelings inside of you
That you never thought you could have
Your spirit leaps from brain to heart
In a matter of seconds like a tick
And makes your life choices
It chooses your first kiss,
Your first feeling of true despair,
Your first opinions of other people
And yes, it will choose against you,
But you will forgive and forget it,
For it is the bravery you don't have.

We all begin life floating in an endless bubble,
Looking for something to save us
Some of us find solace in divinity,
Others find the warm call of love
But we all have our spirit to thank
For finding our bubble and bursting it
Even when you live in the corners of the dark
And have no way of being saved,
It will find you.

It found me.

I cry for my past self
As I search through the wreckage
Of past mistakes to find him
In this world, I am left with pain
And a reminder of my history
It is an archive of mistakes
That stands at the forefront
Of this abandoned earth.

I find him cold and naked,
Laid down in a manger
He looks so emotionally pure
I wish I had found him sooner
I pick him up and cradle him
We cry with all of our might
And synchronize our heartbeats
To remind each other that
We're the same human beings
Then his fragile body collapses
And I'm left with ashes in my hands.

In this moment, I am left with closure
But I will never have another chance
To fix my past loneliness and troubles
So I walk back home, where it is then
I will find enough strength to crawl my body
Through the depths of pain and be set free.

I trust in the calls of the fallen.

They are the ones who landed
on the cold ground;
I wish I could have shown them
the big blue ocean
that had lay not too far away.

It's crippling to see people,
even when in agony and despair,
sleep through it all.
How do they even handle it?
Is it hard to wake up from it?
Do they ever wish for an escape?

Like many of the near-fallen,
I lay in the sullen shadows
It's not a very healthy place, I know,
but I suppose no one is in perfect harmony.
If I could find an easier life to live, I would;
To dispose of this body, however,
would defeat my purpose in this world.

I trust in the calls of the fallen.

She's inside of me
And I want her out
My guilt is floating past
Like troubled ghosts on Earth
The past intertwines with my brain,
Twisting apart my limbic system
Truth is, life ***** --
Pain is more than pleasure,
My incessant memories overlook happiness...
My forks in the road all carry my signature.

I wish I had indecisive tattooed
And inverted across my forehead
So I could look in the mirror
And be able to understand my decisions.

I'm one step closer to
Losing my ****, I say,
Knowing very well that
I'll need more than prayers
To keep me in a state of contempt.

Am I too much to handle?
Socrates once questioned
His own existence, so
Why can't I? There'll be
Nothing left of this page
If I speak my mind
And scatter my brain matter
Onto these overnight fears  --
Not in a literal sense, unfortunately,
But in a way only I can see.

When I think about the times I
Ever had a true sense of keenness,
All I see is a notepad with
As much emptiness as
The ideas inside of my cranium --
But look at the **** you'r--
Can I be any more clear? This ****
Is nothing but another daily reminder
We tell ourselves each day; don't
Act like you haven't thought this way.

When I've found the answer,
I can say that my abstract outbalanced
The complex and my bad outweighed
The good, because what else can't
A 16-year-old boy keep to himself?

I know this world will never be perfect
As long as hate and disapproval exist
It is the end of 2014,
And we have improved so much—
But where would we be
If we stopped now?

I want to see happiness slam through
This world like a battering ram
I want a brighter and ignorant-free future;
All we look toward is discrimination
We need to stop fighting over everything
When will we realize that we're all the same,
That we're all different for a specific reason?
It doesn't matter what you believe in, or
What we choose to convince one another,
Open your heart up a little
And let happiness pour in—
Only then will things become better.

Ignore the television,
Ignore the internet,
Ignore the ignorance,
Ignore the troubles,
Listen to your voice;
It is telling you to speak out.

The feelings come and go
And I guess
I can't change the fact
That I have a problem
But how foolish is that?

I feel like a criminal
Without a guilty conscience
I took away your chance
At getting to know me
And I'm sorry for that
But I don't feel anything
Except what you want me
To feel.

I ******* up
Like I almost always do
By now it's engraved
Into my personal issues
And I want to cry on the inside
But I choose to awkwardly sit
And refrain from my emotions
And I'll never find out why that is.

When was the last time
you looked in the mirror
and recognized yourself?

In a world filled of ignorance,
it's no wonder we live
as strangers to ourselves.

I walk in the club
And I see it all
No friends around,
But I don't need 'em
I've got this feeling
And I intend to listen to it
The floor gets quiet
As I let myself loose
Everyone is interested
In those wonderful moves
I hope no one is offended
By the way those hoops dance.

I have yet
to truly find
a happy poet.

I have a body made up of skin
and a heart made up of stone
I wish I could rip it out of my chest
and stomp out all of the darkness
I have too much pain inside
to be choking with pride.

Am I drowning?
No,
you don't need water
to feel that way.

Hello, darling,
I see your coat is ready
To be put back up on the rack
I decided to marry you
And now I know why.

Tired, darling?
I want to make dinner for you,
A wine and dine for the two of us
I hate to see you this tired
After a long day.

What is it, darling?
I know there's something on your chest
So please, get it off for me
Were we made for each other
For you to break this news to me?

Okay, darling,
I'll fix some supper
This leg of lamb could fit you nice
Swung into the air with my hands
And onto the back of your head.

All right.
So I've killed him.

I look at a blank canvas
Emptiness, it reads,
Exposed to absence.

I can't help but shudder
When I imagine my future
What am I doing with myself?
Am I what people expect of me?

I always feel tired,
Yet I seem restful
My problems are shoved
Under a black rug in space
And I feel like I carry guilt
Each and every single day.

I told her I wanted to run away
From all the drama and pain
I can't put it any other way
I'm looking for an escape with her.

She says,
There's nothing better than living
With the sound of love in your ears
Love is a fantasy
It grabs you like a palm tree,
Shakes you around
And throws your problems below the sea,
Leaving only ambition and happiness.

*Listen to the waves.

Through restless pupils,
I struggle for success
I bend over backwards
To try and be something—
What is that word to me?
Is it the answer to feeding myself
If I end up without a bright future?

I used to wonder what struggle was
As though my teachers
Didn't define it clearly enough
My mom explains to me,
Be something—don't settle
For the basics like I did.
I wonder if she bruised her nose
Searching inside thick textbooks,
Questioning what it would teach her
And where her future
Would be in twenty years
Did any teacher show her
How to pay her taxes
Or write cursive as beautiful
As she writes it today?

All I ever think about is
What topics I'll be forgetting next
And what grade I'll manage on the test
Maybe one day my children won't
Be forced by their teachers,
Who listen to a corrupted government,
To learn to hate the idea of learning.

The time is 5 a.m.,
Time for school,
I repeat.

A past weighed heavy on my chest
I took my chance,
I watched it burn
Out here I can cleanse my hands from its ashes
Awaiting your arrival
Follow the stream until you find me
Tell the others you've gone to sea...

Crimson leaves,
Falling.

Where did you come from, bright star?
What heaven did you leap from, dear love?
How can I spell your name
Without the sound of autumn
Underneath my tongue,
Without acknowledging the lovers who bent me in half
Bless them for bringing me to you
How can I say your name
Without also breathing the words
My god, I found you.
How can I ever speak again with this mouth
When it has found where it belongs
When you touch me, I am a bed of calla lilies
I will build a house and fill it with evergreens
I will paint sunsets on every wall
So you can only see beautiful things
How can I say love
Without wanting to fold myself into you
Like a thousand paper cranes?

Dear one,
I was halved the moment I was born
Either piece of me is inside of your mouth
And I was found whole the moment you spoke.

I look at my life
And see that without you
I have nothing
I could try a day or two,
Keep you off the mind--
But the weight would stay.

This is what you love to say.

I look at my life
And see that without you
I could be so much happier
I could stay in love with you,
Keep the feelings in tact--
But my heart will only stray.

This is what I refuse to say.

How come I find the worst in you
While you value the worst in me
Can you leave the light on outside
For me to find my way back home?
That's the way I do things now
I hope the bed is made
When I step inside
Can you promise me happiness?
Of course you can't,
Not when you haven't found it.

I don't know why people
Strive for perfection
Or how easy it is for some
All I know is that I can't stand it.

When I try,
My body flares up like bombs--
Internally, never externally--
And hides my true colors
To create a cascade of catastrophe
It's like living in a ******* up world
The only difference is that
I actually get to block it out.

I don't remember waking up in the morning
With a smile on my little innocent face
And thinking about how easily I had it
It's too late now, I suppose, to care
Yet I still do.

Have you ever tried to write a poem
On the back of a pack of matches?
Have you ever cried for nights
Til you couldn't breathe?
It's all about you and never about me
And that makes the tears fall for days
Try this.

I don't know why people
Strive for perfection
Or how easy it is for some
All I know is that I can't stand it.

When I try,
My body flares up like bombs--
Internally, never externally--
And hides my true colors
To create a cascade of catastrophe
It's like living in a ******* up world
The only difference is that
I actually get to block it out.

I don't remember waking up in the morning
With a smile on my little innocent face
And thinking about how easily I had it
It's too late now, I suppose, to care
Yet I still do.

Have you ever tried to write a poem
On the back of a pack of matches?
Have you ever cried for nights
Til you couldn't breathe?
It's all about you and never about me
And that makes the tears fall for days
Try this.

Traveling across two planets,
I see a galaxy afar.
It's a glimpse of your face
Drawn along a gallery of broken hearts.

There is a place down below
Where the grass is always green
And the sky is always blue
That holds my history of pain.
Why would I want to go back?

I send my spaceship to a special gallery
Where I observe and mourn you, my love.
I look back towards the cosmic proportions
And know that love is at my very fingertips.

Good luck to my future
With the best of intentions!

I promise that life will prove difficult
And that you'll want to give up,
But strive forward my friend!
For when you look up into the sky
And see a solitary star floating forward,
Know that someone is watching over you.
Those are angels lifting you up off the ground—
Not to take you off with them,
As you wish,
But to help you see another bright morning.
Think of those angels as family,
As old friends,
As current friends,
As future friends,
As myself, telling you that you're alright.

So I sit here writing to you, my beautiful future,
Saying this:
Don't ever let go.
Please have hope.
Stand tall.
Hold onto faith.
There's too many problems in this world
And too many terrible people
To have a great person leave this earth
Like a speck of dust cleaned off the shelf.

I hope that one day this will be read to you
Like a lullaby in the middle of the night
That will rock your fragile body to sleep.
Sleep, my friend,
But not for long.

Stop and think,
Give a deep breath,
And ask yourself:
Am I in pain?

Whether it's either
Physical or mental,
It doesn't matter;
You're hurting.

Get help,
Fix yourself,
And know this:
You're not the only one...

Who's in **PAIN

Sometimes it’s like
I’m floating:
Not standing on Earth,
But in my own world.

I want to yell sometimes,
Do whatever I want,
No rules at all...
Just me, myself, and I.

Tell me what you want;
I don’t need to listen,
For I make my own choices
And you just watch.

I want a world
With no problems,
Where everything’s peaceful
And I can live without fear.

This is what I want
But I honestly think
And never believe
That it’s going to happen.

I cherish my sobriety
And my holiness
Even though I have abandoned God
And no longer have a purpose in life.

But I look at the men with drunken nights
And the loose women with abandoned children—
They make me ***** a heap of cold, hard truth
That spills to the floor like blood from a pulled tooth,
And although I don't get to see a fortunate future,
What I do see is a chance at a great enlightened life.

The question is whether or not I can handle it.

The glass is either half empty or half full
But all I see is a glazed piece of transparent drink.
It's a shame to think things have hit rock bottom
When all of it has idly rested there for years.
If life doesn't stop messing with the sheets
I think I might wrinkle them up on purpose.

I see the 20-year-old with pigtails across the street;
She sees the shadows traveling under my eyes.
Good evening, she says.
Perhaps.
It's my own personal masquerade ball.

I prop my feet up for comfort
And the pain goes away temporarily.
Ever since I left behind my innocence
There's been an absence in true pleasure.
Even when the world pushes me down,
The chance is always still there.

It's an uncomfortable position to be in:
To be unhappy with yourself and others
It's like the thought of something greater
Is all you need to get through the day

And the question always seems to remain—
Should you remain voiceless?
I say, "No!"

Who gives a **** if you **** at tact
Or you can't find your "inner voice"
There's a true way to escape carelessness
Without falling victim to faux pas

If you look at yourself
Through another's viewpoint
Do you see content?

I'm sad.
But what's new?

Nothing.
Nothing is new.
Everything is sad.
**Everything.