Many times, sometimes only once every so often,
I’m burned alive.
The crackles of the fire soothe me.
So that I can carry this glob of pink matter around,
I leap from the tallest tower,
grab onto the slippery side, and descend
like a ball of paper across the room.
When I feel this way,
I want to punish the way my mind hurts me.
While everyone carries themselves with pride,
I walk alone. The pain of being an outsider,
the pain of losing the one focus
you once had, is silently deadly.
In those moments,
the room feels empty. The pain glides along
and I’m carried off by my toes
and thrown in the pit of despair.

As if I could ever understand pain
I carry symptoms truncated at the head
Their blue feverish reminders never dead

Emotions of your bright autumn nights
Replay in my head like no other
I lost you, my best friend, my lover

Truth blossoms like a ****** rose
My stomach curdles when I find
A love that was not dead but blind

Bludgeon me across the face
So that I may awaken in delight
Finding you in the twilight

If I can't face the mirror anymore
And my gold paper skin turns fair
I will know that our love was rare

Hushed, a little baby in the reigns of love
I lengthen my spine to match your pride
My hair carries the weight of your lies
And as I swing it back and forth
I find that I was once yours
But the inane price of sacrifice is scarce
So my bones become stale and weak

Loving the ways I find you in spaces
Drinking my water
Resting my eyes on beautiful guys
I feel like a squatter
I loved while it was sane
So much for love in all its pain

Just as soon as the emotion comes in
The emotion has vanished from my ten fingers
Those god awful tweakers have failed me again
Like a mouse on speed, I’m running into the streets

As I revel across the kitchen floor
Socks drenched in dirt and adolescence
I find that the only true time I’m happy
Is staring at the screen in my mind
Watching life whisper in my ears

Veins pop out like a loud mouth
I dream of two dozen men
Walking a tightrope toward me
And I only find that none of them
Have made it, they only fell
Down to another who loves them so
And just like that, I’m walking it too

Who are you in the morning
The one who lifts the feet off your child
And vise grips the broken, bludgeons the weak
You no longer make me shiver in fright
I see through your cowardice with shame
That a young boy would fall to his knees
At the noise of a dog with no bone to chew
Cradled by the nape and dug into the heels of
A story not ever cared of being mentioned
I’m the one to lose and sulk my days away
But you, whose words are lackluster and feeble
Carry the weight of two
That know so little to their own good
Dry as the scab from which you inflicted
I am born to be the delight of all good
The Atlas that carries the weight of your mistakes
And when all is said and done
The night will weave into my body
Making the brain addled boy
Dream a good little dream

Before I came home that night
I knew that I’d be back to you
Like the perfect hue of blue
And like a madman
I wished you were
As sad as me
The truth flew into the winds
And whispered to me softly
I’ll see you in a few

The drinks told me you were gone
The **** told me you didn’t exist
The sadness told me I missed you
And my legs never felt more weak
Than when I carried myself
Toward the ledge of my sanity
Loving myself in the shackles
Of constant pressure

Remember that day in October
Like the moon walked us home
But our feet were on fire
Yet our hands were the water
And the glands that said
Hello to our profuse sweating
The smile faded
And the king was a king no more
What happened to peace
Was now a curse

one two three times i said i'd stop
one more time i give in to the talk
you say my eyes are a saccharine delight
when all i see is eyes not deserving
of a man with this many issues
i know that all this talk about your past
must be exhausting but you call me
and tell me how everyone wastes your time
i **** myself with my own thoughts
glide off the earth like i'm one less leap
from a perfect reason to be happy
why am i only ever able to sleep
when i realize that the real monsters
aren't under my bed anymore
but right in my cranium, making a home
and scaring the living **** out of me
when i crawl back into darkness
is when you leave me the most vulnerable
this habit is a venereal curse
i am clogged up with unwanted urges
and emptied of the strength i need
and when i want to be smothered with love
i come back to the one place i know best
and repeat the cycle of torture
we all call the great big search for happiness
but there's no happiness
in a temporary love
you see, i want what's best for me,
yet i scream when i think of someone
even putting up with this disastrous tempest
i loved once and almost drowned
so pardon me if the water feels cold
i'll just as soon drown myself again
if i don't slow the **** down
and find the time to breathe
it's been much too fast lately
that when i take the time to look
i am terrified and praying for safety
but as i glide off the earth and the moon
the stars blast me with a supernova
and suddenly my prayers are answered
that's the day i wait for every night
because if i lose myself
i lose the stars, the cosmic journey, the hands
of a person with the answers and the control
of a vulnerable miserable old soul
because i'd like to think that this hell i'm in
is to lead me to a place of bliss
but these days scare me
and i'm too cold to be warm
too broken to be fixed
too troubled to be calm
sadness, they say, is a *****
but i embrace it with stride
fall asleep to the sounds of no one
i'm too afraid to be filled with pride

my prescription was ready, they said
came earlier than i had thought
so i left home with my coat
started the car in the cold
entered the uncomfortable atmosphere
placed my hands on the table
and asked for what i hadn't requested
you'll thank me for this they said
i'm still waiting to see if they were right.