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Jul 2014 · 316
Spirit
Jacob Jul 2014
There is a dark empty hole of dirt where you died
I see it and I feel only a black pit of despair
No tears, sadly enough
I swear I've used them all too much
I need a friend, yet I abandoned you
Why should I have any friend at all?

There's no harder thing to say than I'm sorry
I can't believe you're gone out of the blue
It's a sad tragic life of mine filled with pain
Nothing feels worse than losing everyone I love
And being left with my internal misery.

I wonder how much long longer
It will take before I'm
Where you are.
Jul 2014 · 378
Fall
Jacob Jul 2014
My intentions are weak;
This much I know.
But I try my hardest
just to please you each day.

If I fall            Why don't you
you fall.          try a little
I don't             harder for me?
want to
make things
worse.

We could make the memories
between you and I cherishable.
Lessons are the things
you experience daily
with no sense of reason
on what they actually
do to people—like us.              "Keep me in
I hope that you observe           your memory
the clear drops of rain              each day
that touch your windows.       you walk
They have the right idea—     the narrow
to move on to better places.    sidewalks."
Jul 2014 · 365
When You Left Me
Jacob Jul 2014
I was walking a steady rhythm yesterday
And my blood swayed like a boat in the ocean
I can't make things the way I want them to be
Can't I just stop all of this loud commotion?

I'm at the bottom of the well today
And my skin trembles like a leaf
I wish that the future has high hopes
And I can go a day without grief.

I let you get a little too close to my feelings
And now you march to the beat of your own fears
You're the reason I sleep all alone at night
Now I drown in a cold pool of my own tears.
Jul 2014 · 5.3k
Pride
Jacob Jul 2014
You can contort my mind
You can destroy my feelings
You can bring me to the lowest
If you are that cold-hearted.

And in your world
things are full of
mediocrity and disgust
you lay in bed at night,
dissatisfied with yourself.

Contort my mind, you may
Destroy my feelings, go ahead
Bring me down if you see fit
But let's make one thing clear.

No one can mess with my pride
You will never borrow it
Because once you have it...
That's the moment I lose myself.
Jul 2014 · 549
Cavoli Riscaldati
Jacob Jul 2014
You tell me not to leave once more
while I step right through the door
It must hurt to see me move on
To see what you did was wrong.

And I know we can't try anymore
We treat each other like we're four
If only you cared about me
I wouldn't have to be set free.

Your insults draw a thin line
But crying—that's anything but fine
You love to make things worse
Don't try to treat me like your first.

Stop the tears and sobbing
Everything you say, my head is throbbing
I must try my hardest to move on
To see what you did was wrong.
Cavoli Riscaldati - The result of attempting to revive an unworkable relationship.
Jul 2014 · 1.6k
Colossus City
Jacob Jul 2014
In his life he had twelve pocket knives
He carried them around with assurance
But not once did he use them—
In Colossus City, the knife used you.

A cold memory it was once for him
To sit on the ground and appreciate life
Colossus City had left behind years of happiness
But no one wanted to leave, sometimes not even himself.

The rain was a friendly stranger
It occurred to him in dreams
Only now was it in Colossus City
Sending raindrops the size of hail.

In the woods lay a deserted mountain
It waited for a tormented man
You could drop everything else
Just to live there, covered in happiness.
Jul 2014 · 892
Fortune Without Luck
Jacob Jul 2014
I have become a self absorbed monster
Living in two worlds consumed with each other
I keep my head held high toward success
But fall short when I lose my best

It's a cruel world to live in I see
But fortune without luck is free
I worked my way up to the top
Cause fortune without luck is nonstop
What is real anymore, am I in control?
It's a cruel world to live in I see
But fortune without luck is free

I don't need friends in high places
They're just a bunch of pretty faces
I'll be in a deeper hole than before
And no one can help me anymore

It's a cruel world to live in I see
But fortune without luck is free
I worked my way up to the top
Cause fortune without luck is nonstop
What is real anymore, am I in control?
It's a cruel world to live in I see
But fortune without luck is free

I've got a one-track mind
And a wealth that's just fine
I close my eyes and I see despair
Nothing else I can see to compare
It's a time for a change

It's a cruel world to live in I see
But fortune without luck is not for me
I worked my way up to the top
To find that fortune without luck can stop
I see an open door, I am in control
It's a cruel world to live in I see
But fortune without luck is not for me
* Note - Written in the form of a song
Jun 2014 · 461
Dolores
Jacob Jun 2014
Dolores has heart-shaped sunglasses
And a tattoo that reads carpe diem
Oblivious to when she got it,
She tells me that she must have
been in a happy kind of place—
A place too unfamiliar to her.

As if I understood her ennui
I listened to her stories and nodded
Could she possibly be invincible?
Is she not like most other girls?
To mistake her for flirting was the first problem—
The next to watch her hysterical cries for help.

We sat around one cold busy group of locals
To find that we were two warm idle strangers
It was an unlikely pairing indeed, us,
Able to tell each other the truth,
Able to admit our feelings;
It went hand-in-hand all the same.

I know we all live a life of sin
We all say on thing but mean another
We all want a happy future—
But is it wrong to wish that life,
In all it's stunning yet strained space,
Could move on and love without me?

You have never heard of an island
with as much grace in your life—
But I have, and I see it shining on through.
Jun 2014 · 585
Strident
Jacob Jun 2014
I say that I don't hate you
Double-negative -- love is confusing.
Tell me one good reason why I cry
And I'd slap the pain off your face.

We only argue in the middle of the night
Cause that's the best time we tend to fight
It's true that I do my best to keep it grand
But we have lost the only place to stand.

Leave me be!
I want peace
And a crease
Of happiness
Washed over
Like waves
On an ocean.

So I ride that crease
And wait for some peace
It's so hard to breathe this smoke
And follow your open arms
I want to have all the answers
But all I have is the ultimate why...
May 2014 · 286
Your Doorstep
Jacob May 2014
Tomorrow I'll be wishing for your love
Today I'll be sitting at your doorstep
It's only 12 at night
My day starts with you
I'm in deep agony
Without a word or two.

You're my deranged criminal
And I'm the innocent captive
You steal the hearts of most
But mine just bleeds in your hands
Everytime you take a glimpse of me.

It's a fiery furnace filled with passion and love;
It burns bright and the fire hurts worst than death,
But no one can feel it accept the two of us.
Maybe that's how
this relationship was
meant to work.

It's only fate that brought us together
No amount of pain, suffering, or struggle
Could keep me away from your heart.
So babe,
Can you let me inside?
May 2014 · 373
The Thought of Love
Jacob May 2014
I wish I could survive on solar power
Like a calculator without the batteries
I know that I wouldn't have to hurt
Or live in constant regret every day

My arms and legs are up for auction
That no one could care less about
I feel drowsy at the thought of love
What the hell is love?
Am I giving it away
Or am I just spreading hate?
Is love the feeling of being with someone
Or being helpless without them?
May 2014 · 431
Selfish Seeker
Jacob May 2014
I lose myself to the black bedroom
That I dread will one day
Very well be my resting place
And oh, I wonder:
Why isn't it a garden of roses?
Isn't that what I so righteously deserve?

When ones idly sit and wait for rejoice,
Are they truthfully just waiting for nothing?
Sometimes my screams are just sound waves
And nothing more than a lack of breath
But who to blame other than myself?

I laugh--not because self-deprecation is comical,
But because my problems are waiting to repeat
In a chain of Summers where I meant to do one thing
But I ended up adoring Winter as opposed to itself
Am I indulged in, for lack of a better word, paradoxidents?

You might as well send me off to my own special country
Where I am free from isolation; that's the place to be, isn't it so?
Blank stares are nothing more than my mere personality I say
I can stay outside observing the withered apple trees all night long
But what I truly want to do all day is walk along the foggy streets
Can someone other than myself please keep me away from the cliff?
Apr 2014 · 238
Untitled
Jacob Apr 2014
In the strangest lands
I will grasp my chance
Sing the unsung words
I have searched to spell
Apr 2014 · 279
Shiver
Jacob Apr 2014
You lost this game again
The one where you try for love
All I see you end up with
Is another broken heart.

I saved the memories of a past life
Onto a CD and listened to it in the fall
I can only hear your promises
How you went and broke them all.
Apr 2014 · 373
Insularity
Jacob Apr 2014
I've seldom been inhabited
I'm an isolated shelter
Looking at the archipelagos
Oh, these islands are so dull
Where is my sanctuary?

As I wait for a shoreline
I find you in the distance
The sun gleams on you
So it's not that hard
To find your small land.

Then it dawns on me
I can't move toward you
Because I am an island
And so are you
How can I be yours
When all we share is distance?
Apr 2014 · 13.1k
Epidemic (by Mary Lambert)
Jacob Apr 2014
The girl with purple hair is sitting at my bar again.
I think she is beautiful. And not in a way that I wanna have awesome *** with her but in a way that I want to drink chocolate martinis with her
and go shopping for christmas vests that have tinkly bells and possibly polar bears with hats on them.
She is having a full-body cry. I am the worst bartender, simply
because I don't know how to counsel people without crying back at them.
She is crying about the state of women.

I know that we come from the same rotting wood, so all I do is nod.

"How is it that three quarters of the women I know have been ***** or molested?
What does that say about the men that I know?
**** is not a man behind a bush with a knife, she laughs
It's kissing you on the mouth like whiskey at a nice bar."
The girl with purple hair and I are holding hands now,
"I only wanted an apology,
an acknowledgement of what occurred."
Grappling as artists, as girls, as ships in bottles,
how do we change any of it?
I tell her I am going to write a poem.
She says no one wants to hear a **** poem.

And I know she's right.

Have you ever seen a stampede of horses?
Do you wonder what the hooves look like from underneath?
Have you ever tasted the blood from biting your own lips because you couldn't say no enough?
"I never fought back. I kept my thighs tight and
closed, but once he's inside you, you wish you were the streetlamp, the
store clerk, a street lamp, a bed of calla lilies-

anything but a woman.

In that moment, our eyes glaze over, and they stay that way for years.
That's when you've lost.
A poem by Mary Lambert, from the poem-book, "500 Tips for Fat Girls"
Apr 2014 · 621
Human Dreamer
Jacob Apr 2014
You live with many tears
Look around with plenty fears
Waste up your many years
And seldom hear cheers.

Many times left your eyes
With nothing but cries
And lies across the skies
Sat next to you sharing sighs.
Apr 2014 · 1.2k
Lustrum
Jacob Apr 2014
I sit parallel
from a blank canvas
for the next
*lustrum.
*Lustrum - a period of five years
Mar 2014 · 2.1k
Jezebel
Jacob Mar 2014
It's been a while since we've last talked
and I've built up a lot inside this body
you should know these feelings quite well
but what you may soon come to find out
is that a piece of my heart isn't all that mad

I know that
You're a total *****
I hate your ******* guts
And never again will I want you

But I know better than to consume and ponder myself
with thoughts that a less wiser man would think
it's not the end of the world frankly
and I have better things to do
than to sit around all day
and drive myself mad
losing all this sleep
trying hard
to forgive
you.
Mar 2014 · 4.5k
A Platonic Flare
Jacob Mar 2014
I focus on your eyes
those two deep blue oceans
and wonder why you wave over me
yes, it's true that I'm imperfect
but are you any better?

You can't feed me servings of silence
like an unsolved piece of a puzzle
please move your stiff ghost occasionally
let it consume something other than
your tortured, self-consumed mind.

These walls keep you from leaving my sight,
yet why are they the closest from tumbling down?

Only prayers keep me sane anymore.
                             ...
Resting my eyes as you call out my name
you whisper it to the shadows within the clouds
but only because it's forever the name of a stranger.
Feb 2014 · 363
Crying Out Loud
Jacob Feb 2014
I have a book on my bed
that might never be read,
and the last of my thoughts
are anything except dead.

Does anyone wish for immortality
in the days of adulthood?
Is maturity a slow killing process
or just a way of inviting life inside?

It's nights like these
where I don't see
the point in anything.
For crying out loud, is there a point
other than the constant reminder
that life begins when you do?
It's 11 o'clock and I sit in my room with writer's block.
Feb 2014 · 412
A Loveless Dream
Jacob Feb 2014
I had post-its all over my desktop
that each reminded me of important things
but never could I put down your name
because let's face it, you could never be mine.

I'm a little selfish
when I think about you
with anyone else
and I have to watch my mouth
when you are mentioned by friends
oh, they don't know what I have
on my ***** mind.

A wise man once said
All that we see or seem
is but a dream within a dream
which made me feel as though
love is truly ******* impossible
when it comes to you and I.

I want to crash my soul into a million pieces
like the way my heart breaks when I see you
what's the point of this useless *******
if all I do is see us on a stage of camaraderie
where everyone is oblivious to my feelings
and you won't bother with looking my way?

Oh God, please look my way!
Come here!
Hold me! Kiss me! Love me!
Lover, will you give me a sign?
It's like I have to dream
every time I want to caress your body
or say what I feel
without sounding disgusted with myself.

I'm so utterly locked in these closets
looking for answers that come close
but never quite finding them.
Jan 2014 · 461
I'm Not Alright
Jacob Jan 2014
Feels like I’m in another universe
Asking questions cause I’m feeling cursed
There’s not a day when my throat doesn't burn
Why does this ache always seem to return?

Talk to myself away from watchful eyes
Ego black and blue as I fear demise
I’m not armed to the teeth anymore
Doesn't mean I’m one to ignore.

I’ll spit blood in this bitter flight
unlike that summer when my hopes ran high
So when you ask if I’m doing okay
It shouldn't shock you when I say…

I’m weary, I’m ill
and I blame it on the art of getting by
I look in the mirror and I wonder if I’ll ever be satisfied.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that I’m traumatized
but truth be told,
I’m not alright.

(Originally by Sky Ferreira)
Jan 2014 · 325
They Don't See You Cry
Jacob Jan 2014
The clock is ticking
And you still have nothing to say
It won't matter if your life is wasted
Because you have time in bed to lay

These winds were your guide
You hoped that they would help you lift
But they wouldn't and you knew it
They just told you Go inside and drift

Don't rest your eyes! they said
Because they wanted you to try
But all you could do was give up
And sit down to cry

They don't see you cry.
Jacob Jan 2014
The truth can set me free
But the lies make me quiver
And second-guess my feelings
Only to bruise me once more

This whole thing they call love
Is so unbearable
When I can't have you
Or call you mine
When all I need
Is a good reason
To continue on living

Hello heartache!
Here you are again
Please spare me the trouble
Of going to the dark side
Where I might not return
And give me the news:
Is it a happy ending
Or is my heart
Going to shatter
Into a million pieces?
Jan 2014 · 752
Open Hearted Fool
Jacob Jan 2014
I couldn't accomplish what you wanted from me;
I was your disappointment
and you made it obvious
we were unhealthy.
We crossed paths in our relationship
that train-wrecked any hopes of happiness.
My life was a nightmare
whenever I was with you.

I felt controlled and abused
and you played with my heart,
but I always wondered
why I couldn't try.
Why was I so naïve and dumb
to not understand that you didn’t even love me?
Jan 2014 · 555
Hope for the Hopeless Mind
Jacob Jan 2014
This bright mind of mine
is ready to give it's all
and speak the absolute truth.

But you see,
it can't do that.
This mind sees road blocks
The size of Goliath
and runs away like a coward
back into town.
Why does a simple hello
feel like an idle journey
that I cannot complete?

What my mind says
and what my voice delivers
are two exact opposites;
they are distant planets
who despise each other
and have no intentions
of ever coming close.

It feels like everyday
my mind is at war
and I can't gel in these pieces of myself
unless my mind can conquer my voice
and create something endlessly beautiful.
Jan 2014 · 931
This Love Feels So Right
Jacob Jan 2014
We cross paths
and I want to scream at the thought
of you and I not saying hello;
because I know that it isn't a simple kind of romance
and society will always want to tell me what's right,
but why does wanting you feel so wrong
and loving you feel so right?

I can see us together in my dreams
with my arm around you as we sleep;
we embrace our warmth beneath the sheets,
and that is when I love you the most
because I can't see us elsewhere.

Does this heartache last forever
if I never give up on you?
Nothing ventured, nothing gained they say
and the worst of it is right now
because I have no courage to pour my heart out
and say that I want more than anything to be with you.

Maybe one day I can call you mine
or say that your once my everything
but I know better than anyone
that you either stay forever
or have your heart broken once again,
leaving yourself to wonder,
were they truly the one?

All I can tell you
is that when I think about us together,
this love feels so **** right.

— The End —