yesterday i flew away
on the wings of a crying dove
is it enough when times get rough
to look up at the sun
and to stop running from
the breath that’s caught inside of my lungs

one morning, i started turning
blue inside of my chest
these days haven’t been the best
but i’m still here so i guess
i can count myself as blessed
and then go to finally get some rest

and i said ooh baby why don’t you stay,
i’m left a rock stuck in a hard place
but coal can become diamonds anyway
under the highest of pressure
highest of pressure
you make me feel better
can we get away, babe?

when i fell away, i spent that day
looking at all of my flaws
you see them but you’re not gone
i’m in your chest where i belong
it hasn’t been that long,
but i’m never gonna move along

and i said ooh baby why don’t you stay,
i’m left a rock stuck in a hard place
but coal can become diamonds anyway
under the highest of pressure
highest of pressure
you make me feel better
can we get away, babe?

split myself in two
how i see myself and who i am to you
they’re fighting each other
i still don’t understand why you bother
but somehow you do

i make myself afraid
by looking too hard at yesterday
we’re just lovers holding hands
you don’t try too hard understand
but somehow you ease the pain

and you say ooh baby why don’t we stay,
we are just rocks stuck in a hard place
but coal can become diamonds anyway
under the highest of pressure
the highest of pressure
i make you feel better
can we get away babe?
can we get away?

give a moment of clarity to pull me out of the haze, won’t you? days have passed since i last remembered your name and even more have passed since i last forgot the scent of your clothes. your body is a synthetic imitation of a real one. i last saw you in a place you weren’t and that could be just because of a lack of some part of my sense i lost, i always was so forgetful.


define me this way: a monster of your making. the beauty you lost years ago when all you could mutter out of your chapped winter lips was please.


take me to a place where all the skies are blue, won’t you? days will come when i can’t really remember your name and even more will pass until the scent of your clothes become the scent of mine. your face is photocopy of an angel’s. i can see you in the puddle of the water, swimming with the tadpoles.


define me this way: no one important. everything you never really wanted to have.

come on in baby the water is warm

i'm afraid to dive,
because
last time
i lost bits and pieces of myself
inside.

kiss me baby my lips are warm

i can't, because i'll swallow
what was left of the pride
in my mouth
when your tongue
is inside.

i'll hold you baby my body is warm*

my body is a shaking
little mess,
but you open your arms
and hold me
inside.

I’m reminded late at night
Of exactly what it was like
To be holding you tight
Shouldn’t have ever let go

This isn’t what we wanted
And I just feel so  haunted
My friends could say I’ve lost it
But what would they know?

They don’t know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
You can no longer look into
And I have nothing to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can’t run to you
I’ve  dreamt of you
So, what should I do
With this?

I see you now and then
You’re hanging with our friends
It’s like I’m hitting a dead end
Everywhere I go

I hate acting like I’m fine
When I’m wishing you were mine
And that I wasn’t wasting time
Being all alone

Wish I didn’t  know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
I can no longer look into
And I need something to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can’t run to you
I’ve dreamt of you
What should I do
With this?

I wish/ I could kiss/ your lips/ give this/ a moment/ to fix/ itself
I would never ask for anything else

Do you know what it’s like
To dream of a lover’s eyes
You can no longer look into?
(are those eyes mine?)
And I have nothing to hold
I have nowhere to go
When I can not run to you
(are you still mine?)
I’ve dreamt of you
What should I do
Don’t know what to do
With this
What should we do
With this

i'm pretty **** sure that i'm in love with you
and that's scary as hell,
i'm scared i'm going to lose you,
even though you say things to me,
you make it seem like you won't leave me,
but they always freaking leave me.
okay so we've only been together officially for a week
i've liked you for longer
and you've liked me longer
and this is so ******* scary
because last time i felt like this-
no last time i thought i felt like this it was
a disaster. but then, everything with you
is so refreshing and wonderful and perfect.
different. maybe my friend is right and it's just
because i've had bad taste in guys and you're
just legitimately good.
but there is nothing that's "just" anything about you.
everything about you is so so so so so (!!!)
so i'll keep this love in my chest for now, i guess.
*(but one day i'll say it and it'll be wonderful.
one day i'll say it
one day i'll say - )

sometimes,
i don't know what to say.
so i won't say much.
or i won't say
anything.

i'll just
let our eyes meet,
let my skin
brush against yours,
let you see
my cheeks
burn
the colour of redwood.

and then?
and then i will hope.
i will hope
for that to be enough.

with my hand
on your thigh
and your hand
over mine.

and my heart
saying everything
my mouth
can not.

i.
moments are ephemeral
so i hold on tightly
to the closeness of you.
our arms linked together,
you keep bumping into me
and i keep colliding into
you.
it's as if we are stars,
and we make our own
little boom
in this sky.

we're almost a firework, honey.
we're almost-

ii.
hey.
long haired sweetheart,
golden boy of no where,
your halo is skewed,
but i bet you'd taste like lights.
you're the brightest
type of shine.
sure, you glow in the dark,
but you're glowing in the light too.
and they say,
you're brighter with me,
they say you are
just as smitten
as i am.

maybe we can make this work, honey.
maybe we can-

iii.
what if i was to paint you in indigo,
sew patches of
a blank night sky
onto your dimples,
and hang stars from your
butterfly lashes?
would you
let me sit on your lap like
it's a throne,
make me your
queen,
so that i can say i've made
the human form of night time
my lover.
king of hearts, conqueror of the day.

we hold on, because it heals our tired hurt, honey.
we hold on-

This.

You.
Me.
Us.

It feels like I knew you and everything you are
Before I even met you.

I feel so comfortable when I'm with you.
Like every moment I spend with you
Is more than just a moment.
It's all I ever wanted
And flawless and mine

You are really so much to me and
I don’t think that anyone could get how
You make me feel as if I am
Better than I am.

But nothing lasts forever and
I know this better than anyone.
With my tattered heart's edges
And my abandonment issues.
I know that despite your promises
You will leave.
And I can't stand the thought of being without you.

Not being able to hold your hand,
To hear you tell me you love me,
To get those texts from you
That make me lose my mind.
And make me feel sane all at once,
It's my nightmare.

I know that despite what you feel
Right now, one day you'll see
The beasts in me,
And you will leave.

Babe,
I love you.
I love you so much,
More than anything in the world.
But nothing lasts forever
And you will leave
Eventually.

But for now,
I'll just put you inside of my chest
And hold you in my arms,
Because at least one of those places,
You can't leave.

i could never ever  forget the night i met nari. it was like magic, like the powers that be wanted our destinies to collide, to crash, to blend.

it was the night a meteor shower was to come to my small town. people came from neighbouring cities just to see them, these bright lights, these shooting stars. everyone was camping out, the high school's football field covered with trucks and blankets and tents. There were even people cuddling with blankets wrapped around them in the bleachers, their words filling the air as they prepared to stare at the sky, prepared to see something more beautiful than anything they'd ever seen.

i was doing the same, sitting in the back of my dad's truck with a blanket over my shoulders, but i was beginning to doze off. i was feeling a sensation much like falling, when i heard a someone speaking in my direction.

"need help staying awake?"

it turns out, i didn't need to stare at the sky and see a meteor shower to see something more beautiful than anything i'd ever seen. i just needed to open my eyes and look at her. she was smiling, and god, she had a smile that grow flowers, birth stars, and mend butterfly wings. and she was smiling. at. me.

i’d written line after line
about the look in your eyes
the way i felt like i could die
but what’s the point now
in all those wasted words?
when all that’s left hurts.

my mouth of fable could collide with yours-
myth, fairytale, and folklore.
what am i even reading you for?
tales are caught on your tongue with no spoilers.

and we could never be found,
or we could be bound
for happily ever after.
i really prefer the latter.

just don’t hesitate
because it’s wrong to wait
for saving.
please don’t hesitate
because the devil’s bait
is in waiting.

with my eyes of disguises, i could be your muse,
in different shades of greens and blues.
painted on the canvas ’til your amused.
until the images on my tongue are all gone and used.

and we could sit still and cry,
or dance because i wouldn’t mind.
i’m dreaming of whatever
it means to be together.

just don’t hesitate
because it’s wrong to wait
for saving.
please don’t hesitate
because the devil’s bait
is in waiting.

i’m stacking metaphors and similes
not telling you, because if you see
that i’m close to breaking
and my soul’s rearranging
into comets and galaxies
you might just leave me.
so i tell my self to wake up
that i can’t speed the pace up.
i can only hope you won’t forget me
because i could love you if you’d let me.

and we could cuddle kiss,
stare at the sky, sharing a wish.
you ask me what’s the matter
i smile saying it doesn’t matter.

just don’t hesitate
because it’s wrong to wait
for saving.
please don’t hesitate
because the devil’s bait
is in waiting.

there we go, all our echos
fade into the dark.
voices and lights glow in the blackness
of this room
like the love we made in our hearts.

here i am, my soul is naked,
it's standing before your eyes.
i'm wearing my favourite colors
as my body fades into the light.
don't forget about me baby,
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

hand in hand, all our pain
drifting to somewhere else beyond here
lifting our heads while our spirits
are six feet underneath
the places we feared

here i am my soul is sorry
it's wilted and damp in your hands
i'm just a silhouette
and i need you to understand
don't forget about me baby
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

blood-stained melancholia
whitening strips for her thoughts
black
diffusers for her insides

you can make tea out of
the anxiety in her stomach
but no amount of honey
will make it sweet

waiting/sunrise/flushed cheeks/bliss

i had faith in you.
i loved you.
you were my home.
i believed we were meant for great things.
but instead of making us great again,
you'd rather make us hate again
so all my faith,
all my hope
is lost.

dramatic fears spilling on a canvas
from my leaky eyes
i've tried the other options
but they seem vaguely painful
too intimate.

i hate that i've let you close
because the closer you are
the more it will hurt when this
doesn't last.

i'm washing away in this flood
and i'm going to pretend it doesn't hurt
this much, to love
and be afraid.

feathered dreams float into our closed fists somehow,
and while we’re wondering why,
they poke holes into our palms and crawl
into our bloodstream.

i've got a weak heart with a strong heartbeat
and it's struggling to remember the thrills of affection
with out the pain of shaking, and tears and wanting
to say sorry when i did nothing wrong. i put
too much pressure on myself
and no one understands how much i love you.

it's like i'm choking on memories of boys
who aren't you and girls who don't actually want
me.

it's like the world is always telling me i can't
it's like everyone especially myself knows
i can't do this ****.

i going to bed, love.

please be there when my eyes flicker open.

and maybe our time in the light will come.

who's that girl and why is she prettier than me and why were you with her in a dark area that you never said you wanted to be with me in?

there’s no real gold, but this kind is for fools like us who don’t know any better.

you make me feel like the world is ending, so i allow you to smile at me. i let you hug me and ask if i’m okay. i say yes. i’m just tired. but there’s so much i don’t tell you: how your baby blue eyes make me feel like everything is crashing and burning, how when you hug me, i feel like we’ve made a fire in antarctica (something warm in this cold warzone of a world).

stop worshiping young gods, false gods, no god- this place is not a temple.

you are nothing. i want you to be nothing to me. because the last time i felt like this, i got my heart ripped out of my chest by his pretty, stepped on by reality, and spat on by every person who said, “i told you so.” the stars are my hope, and the sad thing is that all of those stars are already dead. maybe it’s troubling to think about it that way, but it’s all that i’ve got. but with these hopes and my fears i can’t be free.

i’ve got petrichor trapped in a bottle, and melancholy in my eyes and they sing hallelujah.*

i tell my friend that i like the way you smell in the morning. for ages i haven’t been able to why. i’ve known you for over a year and only now am i figuring out why. it makes you human. it smells like brand new, clean, and sweat. yes. there’s something beautifully strange in the way your most human attribute is the way you smell after walking to school, but this prison might be the only way i can feel you hold me when you know i’m not okay.

it's almost like we
glow in every moment now
i feel like we're stars

i didn't think i had the ability to ponder possibility anymore. but here i am, laying in bed, thinking of the future. i want to offer you, and only you, forever. however long forever lasts, (i wouldn't know i've never been) you can have mine.

we're floating in air
our feet never touch the ground
my heart knows the way

split into a better person i want to empty my veins and give you all i've got. i want you to see that time is endless. with you, i am suspended in time. although, we could have every day for the rest of our lives, but that still wouldn't be enough for me. i want eternity- is that too much?

i want careful love
but i also want to be reckless
i'll blossom for you

you say that you don't want to leave me, so you want to go, in two years to college in-state. i love that i'm someone that you want to change the path you take for. two years is a long time from now though and i'm scared we're too young to plan that far ahead. i'm scared of everything these days.

i'm afraid your mind
will change the moment my eyes
are closed - scared to blink

this must be what
heaven feels like-
my hand is holding onto
your arm
and my head is on your
shoulder
and your hair is brushing
against my cheek
and it's soft
as we're walking.

we talk about little things
but if you felt my heartbeat
it would say everything.
it's racing with nerves
and messy feelings because
i've dreamed of this for
some time.

you know,
wrote poems, made playlists,
turned feelings into art,
because that's what i do.
but no art could come close
to doing you
justice.

i could write for ages
and still not come close to describing
how i'm bursting with butterflies and
feel like i've been brought to life and
how even as my entire body is
nervous i'm also calm as a low tide that's
still touching the horizon
it thought it was too low
to reach.

i've been told you're the
company you keep, and
with that being said,
i'm glad i've been keeping yours.

the more i get to know you,
the more i feel like there
are layers to you
that are soft,
and gentle,
and worth discovering.

i'm full of shadows.
the circles around my eyes
are stamps
of the love i left
behind, but somehow,
you make me feel like light
like a lunar glow
like someone.

there's something special
about you, and
i can see it in the contagion
that's your smile.
the way you say something
and i want to join in.

you're one of the few
people i don't mind
having to look up at.

when i'm with you
i don't mind feeling small.
because it does not
equate
with feeling insignificant.

no, around you i feel safe
you say my name and i feel
important. there's a little light
swallowing my shadows
and it exists because of you.

this life is a slippery *****
of mistakes and fears,
and i don't own much.

you make me
forget
i've ever wanted
to share with anyone
else.

because for the first time
in ages
i feel
like someone.

will you show me all the places
that make you feel at home
when you're feeling out of place
with no where else to go?

because lately i've been
feeling like a square peg,
trying to fit into a round hole.

but you make me feel
like there are places
i belong.

will you listen to music with me in the graveyard
with my head against your chest,
and let me sing about a place so far
as you say you like me best?

because lately i've been
hoping for something sweet
and i felt when you held my hand.

as you helped me
like a delicate flower
over a stone wall.

will you tell my i'm worthy a million times,
until i believe in you, in that truth,
with all my heart despite my crimes
because of the love i feel when with you.

because lately i've been
thinking you're something soft
someone i could grow to love someday.

you are not the
shield you put up, so
open your gates to me.

yes, i know,
your heart is aching
it needs to be handled with attention
and care
but no one seems to care
enough to be careful

yes, i know,
it hurts, it's in black
and white
you can't see/feel the colour

yes, i know,
sometimes you need
a friend.
me too.

if i could be a friend
the pale blue through your window
i'd paint your world in colour-
in every colour
with the tips
of my fingers
and i'd be careful.

you're making me remember
what it's like
to not want to be alone

i was drowning in your galaxies of blue.
blue so pale- like your    e   y   e  s
when i swore i could feel them on me but
you weren't there.
i was drowning in your galaxies
in which the stars would shine
shine bright / bright light / bright white light / pale bright white light-
not like printer paper in the sun
more like the pigment of your skin
in the moonlight.

i didn't mind. drowning didn't seem
so bad.
because even though i felt awful and sad, i
also felt loved,
and that was so very pretty to me
as a poet. as a lonely star amidst
constellations.

you almost said the "l" word
a total of (probably) seven times in the five
long-short months that
we were almost lovers.
i actually said the "l" word
a total of five times.
twice as a half joke, hoping you'd pick up
where i slacked in clarity but never
in sincerity
and three times (thrice) in my goodbye
in which i beheld these self-evident truths:

that the almost (always almost) meant
that we could never be lovers
and i thought that i'd prefer us to be nothing to each
other but maybe friends.

(maybe, maybe, maybes make me want to wish on stars
but not the ones in your eyes)

and although time flies
i'm still somehow drowning in your galaxies
of blue.

and i wonder if its killing me
slowly
as your stars blink
and i'm gone
when they open their eyes.
*almost.

sometimes when i get bored,
i revert to my childlike nature
and press my fists to my eyes
until i begin to see mini galaxies.

but sometimes, i look at you,
and i see the biggest galaxies
that stretch beyond everywhere
i've been, and everywhere i will be;
suddenly, you are everything to me.

i need someone to pinch me
so i can be sure this is real,
so i don't have to be afraid of
waking up (the way i'm afraid of living/
breathing/existing/losing/grief).

i could talk to you for
hours on end and not get bored,
not revert backwards.
because i don't need to close my eyes
and press my fists to them
in order to see those stars and
planets and everything else anymore.

not when i have you.

careful babe, i'm wasting away
i'm knee-deep in dreams i let fade away
before the days were gone.
would you believe me if i said
that i didn't mean to?
falling in love felt like falling into place
and with you i feel at home.
i've never felt safe i've always felt anxious
drowning in yesterday and all of the what ifs.
what if i faded into you
on a sweet night in october?
you'd be too young and i'd be old enough
for no one to care
if i felt the weight of the world
on my shoulders.
spit me out and call me baby,
drain my faith and let me go,
even though
you said you'd never
be like everyone else
and lie to me.

never mind,
i imagine him saying,
you know i lied.
you were never that beautiful.

he called me stunning and i wanted to say i loved him.
i wanted to say there was no mortal above him.

goddess, he said.

--

i'm seventeen and unfulfilled,
running from myself,
but however fast i am i still can't
get away from this place, from me.

self-destructing souvenirs in my head
why won't they burn away already
there's something empty about this bed
and my heart is growing heavy

--

i don't want to treasure you.
diamonds are always cutting me to shreds,
but they're never on my hands
pretty boys, they never take me to bed.

they just say hello to say goodbye.

i never
believed in forever
but you make me
want to
be proven wrong

you make me feel
like a lunar glow
like light
like something to
look at

i don't want it to end.

i want you to
zip up my
backpack
on the way home
and call me cute
and clumsy

and say i sneeze
like a kitten.

and i don't want it to end

collarbones kissed with lace ,
a sweet song nibbling at my earlobes,
falling into safety nets
and blessings being whispered like
prayers in the night time.

this is love.
this is being alive.
this is being aglow.

doll face
lavender thighs
rose gold heartbeat
alternate endings tracing cheekbones
like broken glass
your sawdust jawline

summertime soiree
knee-buckling faith
a mouthful of metaphors
forevers
daisy chained couplets
some purple skylines

feathers
cotton
hushed loving between
celestial bodies
grapefruit and coconut sugar
closing time

deities not quite worshiped
revered
hightop/high heel
purple jolly rancher
dress and tie
fingertips

hips swaying from side to side
windchimes
music
moments
love or truth
now or never

healing
breathless
full of life
merry-go-round mindset
happy dizzy
revolve around the sun

i kept this love for you hidden in my veins like drugs or alcohol, like you could just find it on my breath if i leaned in too close or too soon. i blink and i hear your voice/feel your touch. i blink and i can almost rewind to those sweet winter days, the spring, the summer, the days you called me beautiful. falling for you was not seasonal. it was yearlong and so heavy lidded and blissful.

i still want to grow old with you. i want to ask you, “honey, did you feed the fish?” i want to go on our one hundredth date and still get butterflies. i want to look into those beautiful eyes and know that right then, right there, i’m looking at my whole ******* world. i want to wake up with your body so tangled with mine we could be mistaken for a singular, otherworldly being. i want to come home later in the day and tell you about my day at work as i’m in the recliner and you’re massaging my shoulders. i want the purest softest love the universe can muster.

you make me sure of one thing, and that is that love transcends. period.

everything about you is a reminder of what love is to me. and i want to protect that love more than anything in the world, okay?

i wouldn't want to dress up as depression, angst, or sorrow
because then i'd match with everyone.

my hands are always cold
but not when they're interlaced
with yours.

something about us is right.
i'm drowning in your light.

i never thought drowning
would be this nice.

i just want to be alone
with you
it's the only way
i'll ever feel at home

i just want to be known
by you
where the moon and stars
embrace us in their glow

in this place you can not erase the truth
look into my heart because it's filled with stars for you
all in all my heart it calls out into the blue sky
i look into your eyes and i know
that i can say hello, hello
to forever
hello (hello)

i just want to feel you close
to me
it's the only way
i think i'll ever feel whole

i just want you to hold
onto me
while our hearts race
and these lights are turned down low

in this place you can not erase the truth
look into my heart because it's filled with stars for you
all in all my heart it calls out into the blue sky
i look into your eyes and i know
that i can say hello, hello
to forever
hello (hello)

rip me to shreds i won't even mind
just swear you won't try to leave me behind
because love like ours only comes once in a lifetime
i still can't believe you're mine

i just want to be alone
with you
it's the only way
i'll ever feel at home

i just want to be known
by you
where the moon and stars
embrace us in their glow
i look into your eyes and i know
i can say hello, hello
to forever
hello (hello)

my hands and heart are calloused
from writing out our story
from living out our story
god knows
i breathe so much love for you
and it lives within me
and right now it's messier
than before

it's angry
it's painful
it's jaggedly soft and a whispered
prayer
are you there?
my love, are you there?

you may give up on me
but my knees are scuffed
because i've been praying
on concrete.
that never used to happen before

i've this carpet burn
from sleeping on the floor,
because the bed
is a mocking reminder
of the softness of your skin
of you love
of you

i'm a sinner, and you know it
but i felt so holy
when your lips touched mine
the way they did

i miss you
like an ocean misses the shore
i will always be trying
to reach you

my heart's still in your hands
it's in your hands
i always melted in your hands...

the places we leave,
they whisper old songs when
we fall asleep
and yet we hear them.
now there’s

mayhem in the way the clouds
intertwine with the sunlight

basslines we thought we’d forgotten
play in our heartbeats
remembering our fears,
and yet, we dance.
see, there’s

blank spaces between stars tonight;
there, they leave traces of you

you blew out candles
like it was nothing and you’d never
lost your breath the way
i’d lost my mind,
but there’s

something in the wind that is softer
than the palms of your hands were

and when you love there is
a hurricane inside
of you

it is impossible
for you to love
with your head
above water.
so there’s

saltwater in the places your coy
fish thoughts laugh and i miss that

you can see something on the horizon
it’s a dream you’re chasing after
and i hope you can find him.

i hold my head up so i don’t drown in his horizons.
and i remember someone said i should try to expand mine.
i was in luck trying to do so when he was where i could find him.
and i remember he said that he’d hold my hand. and time,
folds in on itself
cold as if hell’s
fire’s burned out
i’m sure now

this isn’t love it’s too broken to be
and i’m not your drug like i was hoping i’d be
but i’ll move on eventually
lovers are supposed to set you free
but you don’t do that anymore
no, not anything like before

i fell for an impossible heartbeat
i could never feel.
spat into a well of despair
to give it a piece of me.

eventually
i got tired of crying
of bleeding
of caring
of dripping
with desperation.
love me love me love me love me
emanating from my skin.

i will not be someone
with so much feeling
that i am numb.
that i go through the day
afraid
of how crumbled i've become.

so i took a pen and wrote
until the ink
carved you out of my heart
and i felt the
dam rise
and the flooding stop
and the pain trickle away.

oh how wonderful it is to be free.
spilling dreams on
a lined page
and hopes
onto someone new
someone
who isn't you.

don't get me wrong,
i care about you.
you're still my baby blue ford
in a way.
you are still a green light
shining in the distance.

but now, it's daytime here.
and the sun shines brighter here,
so your light
isn't so grand anymore,
you know?

i.
only kiss her outdoors,
where the sun will darken her pale skin and

light up her dark eyes like a candle
in a dark room

ii.
don't tell her your sins.
she will find them.

an angel always finds out about sins you can't even remember
committing. when she finds them, you will

remember and she will kiss your scars
before slitting her own skin begging you to lick the cut clean

iii.
put her on a vegan diet. then watch her
as the mango juices drip down her chin.

wipe them away with a gentle, careful, loving thumb.
watch as she licks the mango from it.

iv.
cuddle with her, innocently, in the gardens.
then hold her hand as she flies you

into the clouds.

step one.
you close your eyes.
you close them tight.
then you press your palms
against your
closed eyelids,
until
you start seeing red spots that remind you
of a song you wrote
for someone so long ago.
that someone doesn't matter anymore,
not really, so eventually,
neither will he.

step two.
you wear a nightgown.
the one with the lacy v neck, the one
that exposes your thighs,
the one with the vintage roses.
you wear it to bed to remind yourself
that you don't have to wear his attention
like a perfume
to feel ****.

step three.
you listen to those songs.
you know which ones.
you listen to them and sing or rap along
until your throat is sore, until
your chest hurts. do it
until you don't know why you're crying,
then write a song about why
you are crying,
so that when you look back,
you can see that it doesn't matter.
heartache fades.

step four.**
dive into a body of water in only
your under garments.
force yourself
to swim,
no matter how much
you want
to drown.

i have no idea why you still make my heart pound out of my chest
just by saying "hey"

call this our moment,
no matter how broken,
heartbeats slowing-
where are we going?
call this my fault
forget how i taught
you how to breathe
is it that hard to see me?


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.


call me so *****
call me so worthy
pretend like you’ve heard me
say you won’t hurt me.
call this the end
tell me it’s all pretend
that there are no feelings
is it easy to stop breathing?


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.


and you seem to be
everything to me
you’re the reason i can see
what’s next for me.


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.

i read your poems, but i can't read you.
what's the point?

other boys, they call me pretty-
well,
sometimes they do.
but still,
other boys, they touch my hand,
they like my hair,
they think i'm funny.
but they're not you,
and that rips me up.

the boy who once said i'm not his type
doesn't think
you are good
for me.
but
he doesn't know you.
he doesn't know
your pretty
folded
inside out
folded
right side out,
folded
into the pit
of my stomach, giving me butterflies.
oh, my god, i think this is what love feels like
when you’re stuck on the rewind
of a cassette tape,
because the player
doesn’t auto-stop,
and you don't feel like getting up,
so the tape snaps or tangles or knots.
either way it can’t be the same ******* song,
it sounds too different to be.
warbled.

but the beat is the same.
it starts off slow then speeds up
as the eyes get bluer
and her cheeks get warmer.
tha. thump. tha. thump.
tha thump. tha thump.
thathumpthathumpthathump.

if you love me, baby, just say so.
because i’m so brand new,
i’m so full of darkness.
you’re so ruggedly smooth,
so full of lightning.
i’m so brand new,
that i can’t read you like your poems.
i’m so full of darkness,
that i can’t feel loved anymore.
but, baby, baby, bubby.
i could love you like a poem.

i’ll be the body electric.
(i love as hard as a whitman)
i’ll be the master, the dream, the fool.
(i love as illogically as a kipling)
i’ll be immortal.
(i’ll love as sweetly as a dickinson)
i’ll be everything
you’ve ever read about and wanted,
if you’d just come clean.

so if you love me
if you love me
come clean.

my love stands on rooftops with a megaphone. it screams at the top of it's lungs to an endless melody. it's everything i am and everything i want to be.

my love tells him to stand still for a minute, it tells me not to think for a minute. it says that we can be so much if we just do and stop waiting. my love is the feeling in his throat when he tells himself that he is finally too far away to think of me. i know, i know.

my love does not care for his past. it holds his previous days in its hands but its the big spoon to the little spoon that is his future.

my love is a light in the distance that he can somehow touch with the palm of his hand. it's warm and soft and careful and it'll reflect into his eyes the next time he looks into mine.

my love doesn't wean or wane, it remains a full moon, so next time he looks up at the sky, remember: there's always a reason i am alive, and when i met him the reflection in the waters, the pull of tides, they showed me why.

either way you're going to die to soon
from the cancer
or from the sadness that's eating through your soul.
both are coursing through you
and you say
you'll be fine fine fine fine fine

i'm not fine

sometimes i think about you,
and i want to cry until i drown
in self pity and salty tears.

oh my lord, i am so ******* in love with you.