i just cried for the 90th time this year, which equals about 1.5 times a day for every day of 2020
i can't do this. i just ******* can't. i say it's depression, and my motivation but it's the fact that i keep denying and keep trying. i keep saying that i'm not gonna fail, and then try everything again, but i am gonna fail. i am going to fail, that's just what's gonna happen. i have no other choice. and ****. ****, it's gonna get even worse. i'm gonna fail and i'm gonna be even less happy. i can't ******* handle this **** now, i definetly will not then. i don't need ******* motivation or pep talks. i don't need pity or "it will get better, i'm here for you." i just don't wanna go down on my own, but that is what's going to happen. i'm not gonna make the end of the school year like this. it's only gonna get worse, i know that. i either have to re-do the grade, which is the worst ******* thing that can happen. the only reason i'm still here is the people i'm with now and if i lose them too there's nothing left. or, i make it, and my mental state is just gonna get worse.but there's literally nothing i can think of that will make me feel better right now except for time so that means i'm alright

Mind is full of words
Nothing fits
When I write
The're gone
How can you do this to me
It's magical

You've already been in there for way too long.

Bleeding poetry fills the pages like ancient Rome was filled with wine.
The flowing words never make sense, but at least they're mine.
Every line the same lie- Im fine.
How long until this kindom will surrender?

Like the Vesuvius hidden in Pompeï.
Like a volcano hidden far away.
When the volcano erupts, will you stay?
And let me hold you strong and tender?

In this kingdom of fire, let me protect you.
I will hold you, through and through.
Call me your percecutor, that will do.
Will you let me be your defender?

This world is dark and full of fire- I see.
But it can be beautiful if we want it to be.
And as long as you will fight the world with me-
One day, we might comprehender.

A new year has started now,
And for my new year's resolution,
I'll be nicer to myself.
Most likely i'll fail though,
But well,
Then i'll have another year,
There will be more time.

Time to laugh
Time to write
Time to fail
Time to put on really bad make-up
Time to be with friends and family
Time to watch a movie at 2AM wrapped up in a blanket
Time to eat your grandma's apple pie
Time to sit in a park
Time to play hide and seak
Time to break a chair
Time to hike
Time to love
Time to buy a stupid gift for your very best friend
Time to hug someone
Time to try and make a life-changing decision
Time to listen to music
Time to sit down and stand up
Time to do nothing
Time to stress
Time to hide your feelings and emotions
Time to cry
Time to break
Time to feel nothing
Time to cut yourself
Time to take pills
Time to drink alcohol to drown your problems and
Time to wish you were dead

Happy
New
Year

"Heaven can wait a little longer."
I told myself as I swallowed another pill.

When I die,
Will you go to hell with me,
Or will you wait paitiently for Heaven?

Hi
It's me again
You Probably don't want me
Don't want my poetry
Or my friendship
Well at least we talked again
Said you didn't want to lose me
It felt Amazing
But the problem is
I hurt her too
When i teared us apart
So we Can't just be like nothing again
Because it'll hurt her even more.
i'm sorry
Just wait

Some people
Make you
Feel
Like
Home,
Even in the
Middle
Of
Nowhere.

I'm just gonna,
Be a poet?
And write you some cheesy stuff?
Is this how you do it?

I've seen quite a lot of beautiful things in my life.
But they were all a different beautiful from you.

Your eyes shine like the early evening stars,
And your lips are shaped perfectly like the pink clouds.
You skin is full of wounds and scars.
I don't think I'm the only one who knows their whereabouts.
No words will describe your "beauty"
As I see it through my eyes.
I thought love was never-lasting
But eternal words exist, a poem never dies.
The early sun hits you sour,
Like the walking hours dew.
Even though you were prettier than the flower,
Still, the ravens flew.

If I'm gone tomorrow,
Will you still be there?
Will you be the last person to stay?

If I leave tomorrow,
Will you make sure that I'm safe?
Will you make sure that I'm okay?

If I dissapear tomorrow,
Will you still love me?
Will you love me when I'm gone?

If I die tomorrow,
Will you promise you'll move on?
Will you promise you'll let me go even if we both don't want to?

Because I love you

It's so weird to say this, I feel like a terrible person. I can't promise that I won't feel shame, regret or fear, writing this, but I just want to be able to feel this way to you for a minute. I wanna hold you, shout at you, and scream in your face how pathetic you are, but I can't. I get that you feel bad sometimes, but I know you aren't depressed. You self-diagnose yourself with everything you can imagine. Not liking to talk to people isn't "exteme social anxiety." Feeling sad sometimes isn't "Depression and suicidal thoughts." Cutting the tips of your fingers once a month isn't "Before someone finds me dead in my room." And I get you want to make something beautiful out of the things you feel, but sadness isn't beautiful. You are misusing these things I feel, to create something. I get that you 'Want to feel, and be a part of this.' But you aren't. You keep complaining about how bad you feel. You shut up when you 'Almost commited suïcide.' but as soon as you get a single feeling that is not hapiness, you push it onto me. You drag me down because you feel all this terrible stuff. And I know you don't mean it wrong, but I'm so tired of having to feel this way too. That boy, you know, T, he made sure we all paid for his feelings. I ran after him for 3 miles, to stop him from taking the train to Hadestown. I don't wanna chase after you. I get that you haven't figured out your sexuality yet, and that you're confused. I get that you haven't figured out your gender yet. But I know you aren't pangender, or genderfluid. I just know. You always seek attention from me, and when I don't give it, you become 'sad' again. You're so pathetic, and words can't describe the hate I feel sometimes

You probably didn't expect a poem from me,
Did you?
Well, I just wanted to say thanks.
Do you remember that one English class, where you read some of my poetry? You almost cried.
I wanted to quit writing at that point.
You made me realise that I had a 'Talent'
No, it was more of an 'undeveloped skill'
If it wasn't for you,
I probably wouldn't have been writing now.
And I'm glad I'm still writing,
Because it saved my life.
So, uh, yeah. Thank you

Sorry
I Can't repair you,
I'm broken too

Sorry
All i ever wanted
To be the one to speak her name as mine

Sorry
For hurting you over and over again
It hurts me too

Sorry
I keep saying it's good for you
but i doubt my honest feelings

Sorry
That you don't understand me when i say
I love you

Sorry
For not comming with a warning lable
"dangerous, do not speak with"

Sorry
For not telling you
And never going to

Sorry
You could've guessed
I'ts to late now

Sorry
I'm kinda stuck
But you can't help me out

Sorry
Do I want to stay or not
Well I don't really know

Sorry
For lying to you and never stopping
It's a big cycle

Sorry
I really am
but remember

It's just a game

sorry

I told you all the time,
"I'm really sorry"
You never believe me.
Just like i never believed you,
When you said
"I love you"
"I care about you"
"I was worried"
"Please don't hurt yourself"
"You will get There!"

But maybe it was true,
Maybe you did care about me,
Maybe i was wrong,
Maybe i shouldn't have hurt you this way.

I'm sorry
But I can't
You tried
I'm sorry
For the wasted time
For the heartbreaks
For the sadness
For the anger and
For the lies

Believe it,
Or not
I'm sorry
But it's for you,
Because for this one time,
Probably my last,
I care.

I love you

I'm scared.
I've never fallen from quite this high.
Can somebody help?
Help everyone but me.
Because i'm afraid.
And my fear turns me into a terrible.
I'm afraid of the people,
And the fears,
And the lives,
And the world around me.
Just like how they are.
No fair,
You really know how to make me cry.
Again,
I am trapped.
Trapped inside your silver mind,
And those golden eyes.

It's kind of a weird story,
How I got these scars.
The're very special,
You can only see them
If I tell you they are here.
But the scars you think you saw,
The scars you think you pointed out on my body,
Don't exist.
The scars i have,
Are seen when i tell you to see them.
So now they are invisible.
Because no one will ever know.
That i want to be the one to speak her name as mine.
These scars,
Are from not from my knife but from you because i told you to hurt me and it would be better for you, for me, and for everybody.
Maybe you want to take the risk.
And want to see the scars.
I'll show them.
But i warn you.
You will not only see scars,
Lies.
Hate.
Anger.
Deceit.
Delusion.
Deception.
Seduction.­
Fallacy.
Errancy.
Oversight.
Aberrancy.
This can go on for a while.
I'll tell you this.
The one thing i keep in mind.
The one thing you should keep in mind.
Don't know, Don't see, Don't show, Don't feel.

Honestly, there's just one thing I need right now. Just us two, in one of those small, empty diners with those pink/red and blue neon signs. Being able to talk about stuff. Sad stuff, and happy stuff. Mostly good stuff. To steal your breath somehwere on a park bench and being able to hold your hand in public. I just want a simple life with you.

I just want to be the one, to speak her name as mine.

She was standing there
Her skin silver
Just like the moon shining above her
In that dark night.

She was standing there
Her eyes twinkling
Just like the stars
In that dark night.

She was standing there
Her lips soft
Like the grass on a hill
In that dark night

She was standing there
Dainty like a deer
Like the ones in the woods
In that dark night

She was standing there
Now walking towards me
What does she want
In that dark night

Then i woke up
Now i understand
It was just
A bad dream

Thinking about you
OwO

Still don't have those binders. I'll probably ask one for my birthday.

I need more broadway shows to listen to.

I haven't found the answer keys to French yet, but I found the answer keys to dutch. They're only one chapter per 1, so that's not very helpful.

I sent the poem 'March 15' to the person it's about, and I'm not sure what to think.

I got an F and a D+ for my tests.

I'm not sure if the note numbering is right, I messed up at 34. But it's fine now, I think.

Also, I'd love meet some new people on here.

Have a good day.

Then you said;
"Chaos is better than an unknown peace."
So I have only one question right now.
Will you dive into the middle of the storm with me?
In the eye of a hurricane, there is quiet,
For just a moment, a yellow sky.
Let there be all our chaos around us.
I'll be okay with you by my side.
Let it rush and stream,
Destroy everything and the wind flow.
We might only hear the quiet,
But we won't view the world through a window.
We'll be right in the middle of all there is,
And we won't need to hide it.

When you get older
Plainer
Saner
Wil you remember
All the things
You lost on us
It hurts me
More than you'll ever know
Wish i could go back
To the days i was lost on you
Night full of stars
Adrenaline rushes
The bittersweet taste of your lips
A cold gust of wind outside
Cigarette smoke around our faces
Eyes light and glister
Wrapped up blankets
Two glasses of malt whiskey
A fire in the burning in the hearth
And in us
A comforting arm
A comforting smile
It was good
But perfect can never stay
They pushed me,
And you away
You came back
So please come in
And help me remember
When you were lost on me
If I let myself
Love you

I knew what love was,
But I didn't realise I never felt it, until you held me.
And love is different for every person,
But I'd wanna feel it with you.

Love is making flower crowns in the school break and putting them on each other's head.
(the flower crowns were just pretty, weren't they?)

Love is not really knowing, but it's okay, because you're with me.
(even though it was just a 'comforting friendship')

Love is staying at school until 5PM, and getting home too late, just so we could spend some time together.
(time we didn't know would make the difference)

Love is skipping class together, and hang out in the hallways.
(that's what normal people do, right?)

Love is laughing so hard that the teachers walking past wonder why we're crying in the hallway
(but weren't we just good friends back then?)

Love is doubting if you should maybe text the other, while they were waiting for it on the other side.
(but deleted texts don't count as actual texts, do they?)

Love is writing poems and poems while having no idea what you're writing, because you want to make the other happy.
(it's just not love if you don't read them)

Love is trying not to say "I love you," because you're not supposed to say that.
(if we don't admit to loving one another, we don't, do we?)

Love is drawing awful bathroom graffiti and being sad because the janitor cleaned off our huge "LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA"
(that was just casual fun right?)

Love is hugging each other almost every morning, because depression is a killer
(friends are there to comfort you, aren't they?)

Love is writing essays on how beautiful you are, or why you deserve love, because I felt like poetry wasn't enough.
(you didn't read the poems anyway)

Love is, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I can feel it when I'm with you, and that's the most important thing right now. As long as you want to feel that with me too, we're going to be okay.

I love you

I believe that was the first time I wrote something about you (Or maybe posted.) I'm sot sure what I wrote before that, We'd have to dive into the history books. March 15, Almost half a year ago. I've thought about a lot of people since then, I've loved a lot of those people too. But, it's been 172 days. 172 days and I there hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you. And I don't think those days will come soon.

Don't turn your back to the darkness.
What you'll see in the light is far worse.

the inspiration
and the motivation
to write is gone
goodbye

Okay so I was listening to Beetlejuice, and he sings
'Jesus pass the Dremamime'
And I knew it was a drug, but I didn't know the effects. Turns out it causes halluciations. Well, that's the main thing, there are a lot of side effects. And to be honest, hallucinating explains a lot about Beetlejuice, and the whole musical.