I don’t want to let you go
Because I know if I do
I’ll lose the part of myself
That has become my favorite,
You

They say girls are like flowers,
But I’m unlike any flower
That you have ever known

Flowers bloom in the spring,
And use the sunlight
As a light source
And a means to grow

I bloom in the darkness
Wrapped underneath my covers,
Beside my pillows,
In a room,
Locked from the inside,
So that I
Can be alone

Flowers need water
From streams and lakes,
From clouds through rain,
After which a vibrant rainbow,
Always awaits

My water comes from pain,
But has the power to heal
As it falls
From the eyes,
As tears,
Drop by drop,
To the roots
Beneath the surface,
And far below

Make no mistake,
Like all flowers
I bloom,
But I operate beyond constructs
Like seasons
Or time
Or weather,
Of the physical

My journey is that of
Patience,
And growth
That can only be seen
By the beholder,
And to those
The beholder
Decides to show

I’m so empty
And you’re so deep
That without hesitation
I fell
Just to drown
In you

Cut, cut until I bleed,
Watch the blood flow out,
I feel
Relieved

Filled with hunger,
High with greed,
The blood is the water
And the knife is the seed

Watch, watch in silence,
Intrigued
At how the pain transforms into
An inescapable need

And now, now,
I am a fiend
Red marks all over my body,
I can tell you’re displeased

Come on, come on,
Baby please,
What else was I to do
When you ignored my screams

There’s a storm
In my brain
But the rain
Is clear

They always say
“Never cry over a boy”
And we’ve all heard that and said “Yes!”
Or “never again”

But then there’s that boy
That comes out of nowhere
That we let ourselves like
That we let our guard down for
That we decide is worth everything
Because he said he was

But I promise you
He showed us different
And we ignored it
And we let him
Further and further
Into our heart
Until one day
Out of nowhere
He decided
He didn’t like it in there
So he shamelessly ripped his way out

Now with my heart torn
And my eyes covered with red flags
I admit
I am hurt and blind
And the person I see in the mirror
Isn’t the person I am

I need to cleanse
To see clearly
Once again

So I will cry,
I’ll cry as much as I want
Because although that advice
Sounds great
Sometimes you just have to cry,
Cry to get over the boy

I looked at myself in the mirror,
Broke a glass,
And held it against my face

Instead of slicing into my skin
Like my mind so desperately desired,
I watched as
My eyes fluttered
And started a steady stream,
Which fell and accumulated
Into a pool at the bottom of the glass

When the stream ceased,
I pursed my lips to the jagged edge
To drink

The sharp glass
Smoothly sliced into my bottom lip
And just as the clear stream flowed into my mouth,
I started to bleed

The blood mixed with my tears,
I swallowed,
And as the salty liquid travelled down my throat,
I realized that I was tasting pain
In its physicality
And yet somehow,
I felt relief

We met on a playground
You challenged me to a race,
I won

The next day
You challenged me again
I still beat you
And that became our thing

Slowly by slowly,
You got faster
And before I knew it,
It was me that was chasing you

At first,
It was
Easily,
Happily,
Healthily

But before I knew it,
It was with everything I had
No matter how much my body wanted to give in
And my mind wanted to stop
I risked everything just to be with you

For some reason
I thought you would slow down
Or at least look for me
The way I always looked for you,
But you didn’t

It was gradual,
So I should have seen it coming,
How each time your stride got longer
And you legs moved quicker
But I was so in love with the beginning
That I stopped thinking about the present and the future
And hoped that we could live in the past

Now we pass each other everyday
You look right through me
I always look back
Hoping you’ll turn around
Because I’m done chasing you,
Or so I say

But I guess that’s wishful thinking
Deep down,
I know
That chasing is for the playground,
A place that we’ve outgrown

My heart is bleeding
But how can you tell
When it’s already supposed to be
Covered in blood

I look at you now,
And you are nothing like the person I fell for,
And it makes me wonder,
If you ever really were that person,
Or if you were just acting like the person,
You thought I wanted you to be
So you could get what you wanted
And then leave

I’m sitting in the car
Outside a house full of people
Crying my eyes out
People know I’m in here
No one cares

I needed you today
I know I shouldn't say that but it's true
I haven't talked to you in five months
Not a word
Who's counting?
Me

I need your patient ear
To listen to me the way you did
Pushing me to tell you more
Feeling for me
Pulling back all my layers
Fighting through the thorns
Until you found
Me

God you were perfect
I'm so good at lying to myself
Saying I'm over you
That I'm better off

But today,
It's clear
I'd give everything,
To have you listen,
It's the only thing that'll make me feel better,
I know

But today,
I realize
That everything
Isn't enough

You have done so much to hurt me
I have made lists
And yet it doesn’t matter,
I still love you

They say love is the most powerful thing on earth
Now I know,
They’re right

I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me

Why did you stop liking me
When I just started?

I remember hearing it in your voice
How amazing you thought I was
"Flawless", you said
I'm sorry you found out the truth

I went to your ex's page today
Hoping she was ugly
She's not
And I got mad
Then I stopped

Look at your power
You got me wishing bad on someone
That I don't even know

Do you miss him?
Yes
Do you love him?
With all my heart
Do want to be with him?
Sometimes
So you'll talk to him again?
No, never

People say a day will come
When I don't think about you
But that day has come and gone
Time and time again

You never even loved me
As much as you hurt me

If I'm not meant to have the one,
Don't send me anyone

I am the label,
The label isn't me

How was I supposed to know
That even though
We said the same words,
We both meant
Different things?

To get over you

Do you ever hurt
And stop and think,
Is it the disease
Or is it me?

But then,
You realize that
It doesn't matter
Because the disease
Is you

Why is it so easy for me
To love you,
Yet so hard for me
To love myself?

You stole my heart
You didn't ask permission
And even though you're done with me,
You still haven't given it back

I have spent months building
All kinds of walls
To keep you out

I haven't seen you
So these walls have been working,
But I worry

Because I know the universe will make me see you again,
And I'm afraid that when I do,
You'll take one look at me,
And all my prized, intricate walls
Will instantly fall to rubble

And you'll casually stroll across
My ever so familiar threshold,
And right back in,
To me

Baby,
I'm like a piñata
You have to hit me
In the right spot,
With enough force
To be rewarded
With my sweet

We are stopped for special checks
At TSA and immigration

We are murdered
In our house of worship
Six innocent lives lost
Oak Creek Gurdwara, 2012

Racial slurs hit our hearts:
*******
ISIS
Towel head

Out of fear
We stop wearing our beautiful salwar kameezes, lenghas, saris, and kurta pajamas
In colors and embroidery your clothes could only ever dream of
We take off our crowns you call turbans
And replace them with baseball caps

We think twice about speaking Punjabi,
Our mother tongue,
Around those that don't recognize it

We stop packing our grandma's handmade saag and roti
To school for lunch
And start eating
Processed Lunchables

We separate into two people
Our American selves
And our Punjabi selves
Almost never does anyone meet both

All because
You don't know
The difference
Between a Sikh and a terrorist

The only time
I hear
My heart
And
Brain
At the same time,
Is when
They disagree

When I'm bored
I like to go on pretty girls' profiles
And imagine what it must be like to be them

To post a picture
And get that many likes
To have their perfect hair
Perfect bodies
Perfect smiles
To be beautiful

Sometimes I feel pretty
But no one ever tells me I am

So I go to their profiles
To remind myself
Of what society can say
But refuses to say to me

And I conclude
That it must be
Because I'm
Ugly

The worst pain is the pain you feel stupid for feeling,
The pain that other people don't understand,
The pain that other people judge you for,
The pain that makes you,
Judge yourself

The heart is a muscle
It must break
To grow

Having a broken heart
Is still better
Than
Causing one

You made out with her in front of my face
Instead of being angry,
I wonder,
What I did
To make you hurt me like this

I don't talk to you anymore
Because you hurt me
And because I know
You will continue to hurt me

You lost a person you don't love:
Me,
I lost the person I love:
You,
So who's really suffering here?
Me

Either way I hurt
Lose, lose

Is it really a good memory
If every time you remember it
It stings?

Each beat feels like a muffled rumble,
Like it's too hurt to beat all the way.
Between each beat is a pause,
That makes me think that my heart is going to stop,
But without fail,
The rumble starts again.

Quiet and slow,
Without any rhythm or flow,
It spreads like an echo,
All across my chest.

You sliced through the seven layers of skin on my chest,
Smoothly,
You cracked my ribs,
Gently.
Blood spurted out,
You absorbed it,
Kindly.

The whole time,
I surrendered to you,
In awe,
And thought to myself,
"How am I not in pain?"

When you finally found my heart,
Raw and bare,
Offering itself to you,
Desperately,
You left,
Masterfully rejecting,
What you so intentionally earned.

At first I was numb,
But now it's worn off,
And I inescapably feel,
Every ounce of pain,
You inflicted,
To open me up.

So here's the question:
Do I leave my heart here,
Or do I sew myself up?

I am not okay,
I really am not.
But I have to act like I am,
Because it's embarrassing.
People judge me,
And I start to judge myself,
How can I still feel this way?

I've tried everything.
At this point,
It wasn't ******* worth it.
Even the good parts,
They weren't worth it.
Nothing was.

It's a game,
I feel okay for a few days,
Like I've made progress,
And then right back to ****.

I thought time was supposed to make things better.
It's not.
Each low feels lower and lower.

I was beautiful,
Smart,
Special,
The only person who had ever had my heart was me.

And now?
It's you,
All day everyday.
And you don't even care about me.

Why didn't you just leave me alone?
Why?
I didn't even like you.
I hated you.
Now I hate you too,
But in a different way,
In a way that only hurts me.

Every smile is fake,
Every laugh is fake,
Every joke is fake,
Every eye roll is fake,
Every hair flip is fake,
Because right now I feel worthless,
Hopeless,
Like there is no end in sight.

I wish I could sleep forever,
Because that's the only peace I have,
But then,
Even before my eyes open,
My heart reminds me of where I am.

I wish I never gave myself to you,
Because now you're satisfied,
You broke what everyone thought couldn't be broken.

Now I'm weak,
I'm sad,
I'm constantly in pain.
I just want my life back,
Please just give me my life back.

Please stop playing with me.
I can't take it anymore.
I really like you,
Like really.

It's that like where I know I want you and only you,
That I know I would do anything for you,
That forever and always,
But you don't feel the same.

And even though I know you don't,
There are times where I think you do.
Like when I catch you looking at me for a little too long,
When you tell me things that you say you haven't told anyone else,
When I feel my skin shock cold after your lingering touch vanishes,
When you talk about me to other people,
And of course,
When you hug me.

Now that's my favorite,
Hugging you.
I don't want you to ever let go,
Because it feels so perfect,
Warm and safe,
Like I can stay there,
And nothing bad will ever happen.
But then it's over,
And something always does.

So I convince myself that it's better to keep away,
I go through the same process everyday,
Delete your texts,
And tell myself I'm done.
That's it.

But then I look at something,
And it reminds me of you,
Or something happens,
And I want to tell you,
So I go back and forth,
Until I cave,
And I text you.

Sometimes you reply,
Then other times you make me wait,
And I can't think about anything else besides you.

I check my phone,
Over and over again,
Waiting to see your name,
But all I see is the same ugly wallpaper,
And the time.

So I calculate how long it's been,
Down to the exact minute,
And I get angry,
I know you've seen it,
There's no way you haven't,
And I tell myself that I hate you,
That I'm done and that's it.
And I really believe it.

But then I see your name,
And every bad feeling magically floats away,
And I'm right back to where I started.
Thinking,
Wishing,
Dreaming,
Hoping,
Of an endless future,
Of me and you.

When I realize I like you,
I'll be mean at first,
But that's just because I'm protecting myself,
And testing you to see if you think I'm worth sticking around for,
So just be patient.

Call me out if I'm too much,
You shouldn't be getting too annoyed,
Or hurt,
Your feelings matter too.

Tell me that you like me,
And tell me why,
Be specific.

Tell me that your intentions are pure,
That you're in it for the real thing,
For the long term,
I'll probably be shocked,
Because I don't know,
Could you really be the one I've been searching for?

I'll tell you I'm not sure if I like you,
Because I won't be.
I'm used to suppressing my feelings,
I've been hurt before.
The pain that comes with being rejected is way too much for me to handle,
I'm scared,
So don't leave,
It's just a little longer,
I promise.

Ask me out on a date,
Doesn't have to be anything extravagant,
Just a place where we can talk.
And talk I will.
I love talking.
Listen.
Touch me every now and again,
Hold my hand,
Brush my hair out of my face,
Be gentle.
I won't pull away.

When it's over,
Walk me to my car,
Tell me you had a good time,
Thank me for going out with you,
And I'll thank you too,
Because at this point,
My feelings are becoming clear.

Tell me to text you when I get home.
Hug me,
Make it nice and long.
When I pull away,
Pull me in for just a little bit longer,
And then let me go.

Open the car door for me,
Close it,
Watch me drive away.
Wait for my text.

I won't text you,
Because a lot of people tell me to text them,
But they don't actually care,
And I hate being a bother.
So follow up,
"Did you make it home?"
You'll make me so happy.
Because I like you,
And you like me.

From there,
Let's keep talking,
"Good morning",
"Good night",
"How was your day?"

Ask me out again,
Keep taking me out,
Pay for me,
I'll pay you back,
Because I believe in equality,
But the fact you want to pay,
Will give me butterflies.
Because you don't pay for everyone.
Now do you?

Ask me deep questions,
For my opinions about life,
About who I am,
What I want,
What shaped me?
I'll write you paragraphs,
Respond,
Again,
I don't want to feel like a bother.

Profess your feelings to me again,
Make my heart skip,
Ask to kiss me,
I'll be nervous,
But I'll say yes.
Just a couple pecks.
That's it.
Caress my face.
Kiss me on the cheek,
And then the forehead.

Tell me to text you when I get home,
I'll "forget" a lot,
So follow up,
And with time,
I'll stop "forgetting".
Because I trust you.

Eventually my feelings for you will be growing,
Way too much for me to handle,
And I'll spill,
It'll be detailed,
And long.
React.
Tell me how I made you feel.
I want to make you happy.

Ask me to be your girlfriend,
I'll say yes,
And I'll have a boyfriend,
For the first time.
These other boys have been too afraid to commit to me.

Introduce me to your family,
And friends,
As your girlfriend.
You'll make me pinch myself,
Because my dreams are finally coming true.

Care enough to talk to me when I'm upset,
Without a time limit,
Or making me feel rushed.

Read my paragraphs,
I'll write them to you when I'm upset or angry or happy,
Because I'm emotional,
Reply back with love.

Compliment me on specific things beyond just my looks,
Even when I act like it annoys me.
Give me a nickname,
Unique to just me.
Never ignore me.
If you know you're going to be busy,
Tell me.
If you take long to respond,
Explain why.
Remember,
I'm insecure.

Keep texting me.
And calling me.
You're always on my mind.
I always want to talk to you,
Always.

Touch me tenderly and carefully,
Like I'm a fragile doll,
Before we move further physically,
Ask,
And reassure me that we don't have to do anything I'm not comfortable with,
That we have time,
And that you enjoy me for my company,
Above everything else.

Don't be afraid to talk to me about anything.
I want to help you in any way that I can.
I care about you,
A lot.

Open up to me.
I love hearing your mind.
Tell me things you haven't told anyone else,
I'll do the same,
And I'll thank you,
Because I'm honored,
I like feeling close to you.

When we argue,
Listen to me,
I'm sensitive,
I'll listen to you too.
If it gets too intense,
I might try to leave,
Even though I don't want to,
Because I'll think it's what you want.
But don't let me,
Tell me you want to work things out.

I do too,
Maybe a little too much.
Because at this point,
You have my heart.

I have never been more hurt,
But,
I have also never felt as special,
With anyone,
As I did with you.
That's why the word bittersweet exists,
To describe how I'm feeling now.

I would never erase it,
Because if you erase the pain,
The good parts go along with it.
But honestly,
Either way you lose.

Because now,
The good memories are just as painful as the bad ones,
Because they're just a reminder of a time that has slipped away.

I have no present,
No future,
All I do is live in the past.
Relive these memories over and over again,
Because there is nothing in the moment,
That's strong enough to pull me away.
Nothing stronger,
Than what you were to me.

I have to mourn you like you are dead,
But then,
You show me that you're not.
And it's confusing,
Because then,
Why am I living,
Memory to memory?

And it hurts so much,
That I can barely breathe,
Because how can I be so lost in something,
That you can no longer see?

When I told you I missed you,
and you said,
"It's only been two days".

When I wrote paragraphs,
And exhausted breaths,
Explaining to you,
How much I REALLY liked you,
And you didn't say anything back.

All the times you outright ignored what I said,
As if you couldn't hear me,
And just smothered me with a kiss, instead.

Remember that.

I'm happy I'm out,
But the memories of me staying around,
Begging for your attention are what haunt me.

That's the tricky thing about relationships,
Not knowing what's temporary or permanent,
Because the good memories never go away,
No matter how old they are,
They can feel so recent,
Because we can always relive them.

But always remember,
Just because a person deserved you in the past,
Doesn't mean they will deserve you forever.
Just because they kiss you,
Doesn't always mean they like you.

With what can I forgive?
When no matter how many times I blink,
My tears refuse to leave,
When no matter how big of a breath I take,
My lungs continue to wheeze,
When no matter how fast I run,
My heart fails to beat.

When I was with you,
I only had moments.
Where it was warm,
Where it was complete,
Where I felt it skip beats,
But now that we're over,
I feel it,
All the time.

It's like I don't have lungs,
I don't have ribs,
I don't have muscle,
I don't have skin,
It's just there,
Sitting,
Alone.

Exposed,
With fear,
Blood beats out,
In tears,
And pushes me,
To continue,
On.

You put a weight on my chest,
Knowing it would be too heavy for me to lift.
Every time we were together,
You took it off,
Giving me instant relief.

When it was time for me to leave,
You put it back,
Making me not just want,
But need you to feel at ease.

So I kept going back,
Even though I knew I shouldn't,
Because I couldn't stand the discomfort of being away from you.

Until one day,
You broke me,
In a way that couldn't be forgiven.
So I left,
For good.
And still,
I couldn't escape the weight.

I tried and tried to get it off,
But no matter how close I thought I was,
It always crashed back onto me,
Restarting the same cycle of pain,
Erasing all the progress I thought I made,
Pushing the feeling of normalcy I had so often taken for granted,
Further and further out of reach.

There were so many days that I wanted to give up and go back,
Because I knew if I begged enough,
You'd take it off,
And take me back.

But I didn't,
Because I couldn't face you.
I couldn't be the weak thing you wanted me to be.
I had respect for myself,
And I knew that the tough girl inside,
Was still there.
I just had to endure this to get her back.

So even though it was the last thing I wanted to do,
I kept pushing,
Each and every day,
Exhausting myself,
Getting closer and closer,
Becoming stronger and stronger,
Until my persistence finally paid off,
And I removed the weight all on my own.

Now,
For the first time in weeks,
I am free.
I can enjoy each step, breath, and heartbeat,
Uninhibited and uninterrupted,
Because I fought for them,
I fought for me,
And I won.

The weight will come back,
If you don't put it there,
Someone else will.
That's life.
But I know I can take it off,
Without anyone else's help,
Because unlike the weight,
My strength is only here to stay,
And grow.

So thank you,
For making me better than I've ever been,
For forcing me to fight for myself,
For helping me realize,
That the only person I'll ever need,
Isn't you or anyone else,
It's me.

All of my friends are your friends,
"It's been months",
They say.

But it's not like you hurt me once,
Or twice,
You hurt me everyday.

So tell me,
How am I supposed to heal,
When I can never get away?