I.
You were there in the beginning
and you'll be there at the end

II.
You eyes were the color of the ocean
and your ocean drowned me

III.
I still cannot say hello
for fear of risking goodbye

IV.
She was right about you.
You were wrong for me.

V.
You weren't the first
but I hope you are the last

If missing you was an art
I’d be Van Gogh and you’d be “Sorrow”
Missing you comes in droplets
and tonight I’m drowning
in your Pacific Ocean
On nights like these
I wonder if I will ever
learn from the trees
how to stop missing
the leaves
that have
            let
                 go.

II
But now I've met a different boy
A man, one could say
one who calls me when I cry
One who doesn't run away
One who talks me down at midnight
one who doesn't push for answers
One who compares my eyes to night lights
One so different from you
But we are not in love
he is just as heart broken as I
though I wish that it were different
I can tell by the look in his eye
He, too, sees her in me
As I see you in him

You were like spring  
to the winter of my soul.

They say a dancer's feet are never pretty
but have they seen how they move on them?

Getting lost with him was nicer than
knowing where I was with anyone else.

I was nomadic
but I found a home in you

I miss him so much
I feel it in my bones
as they bend and break

Like a bullet
ripping through my skin
I felt the emptiness
make my body its home

I spent 4 months
trying to throw up the remains of you
left inside of me
My hands cold
trembling with the weight of memories
My eyes weary
spilling my final regrets

You brought me roses
but forgot to remove the thorns
and I didn't realize until now
that it was a foreshadow of
this

I search the corners of this town
I search the eyes of the gentlemen
I search like a lost little girl
searches for her mother
with anguish, with fear
Fear of finding you in another's arms
Fear of finding you with another mouth
Even so, I hold onto the hope
of finding you whole
because all I've been able to find
scraps of you
I found your eyes
while star gazing in the dark Amazon
I found your smile
Near the bright, blue coasts of Brazil
I felt the soft touch of your fingers
while the wind played with my hair
in the middle of Los Angeles
I have not lost you forever
at least that's what I keep telling myself
And I continue traveling
with the hopes of joining the pieces
to form the puzzle that you are

I left my heart in your hands some time ago
and as I left I tried to take it back and it shattered in two
One side I took and the other stuck with you

I hope that you as well are looking for the other half

Loving him was like
lighting a candle
I was a pyromaniac
addicted to the sight
of seeing him burn with passion
of smelling his splendor
I was lost in love with the victim
of my lethal affections

I looked at you
as if you had put the stars in the sky
You noticed me, too
I was your complex galaxy
The moon looked down on us two
and was saddened by the tragedy
We were supernovas
shining brightest after our end

But our beauty didn't make up for the explosion that  shattered me.

I want to hike up a mountain
and shout til my lungs hurt
yell out all the pain that
cripples my heart
so I’m reminded that
hearts aren’t made whole
just to be broken

I want to swim to the ocean
dive to the depths of it
till I’m surrounded in blue darkness
and look up to see the light
swiveling through the currents
only so I can feel what it’s like
to want to breathe again

I want to jump off a building
and feel the wind washing my face
and drying the tears that stream down it
just to know that there is still something
that would care enough to wipe away
the physical demonstration
of pain

You look at me
as if the stars were my eyes
as if my very hands
had sculpted the moon
When I walk in the room
I notice your eyes roaming it in
search for my feeble body
You look through me
and see universes trapped inside
My tears are diamonds to you
Too precious to be wasted

You look at me as if I were everything
when to myself I am nothing

Thank you for showing me someone can love me
even when I do not love myself

I am not a book
you can use and return to the shelf
as you please

I am not glass
you can shatter
when your anger overtakes you

I am not a fragile rose
I will not fall apart
at your lack of light


I am a girl with big dreams and high hopes
I will not let you turn me into anything else.

My legs are weak from the miles they've run
trying to escape the reflection of the mirror
stretch marks all across them are
the battle scars from the wars
I have waged against myself
My throat sore
from the many times it has fought back
my attempts to empty myself
and spill the remains of my soul
down the drain
My hands are no longer soft
having held items far too sharp for their own good
My wrists scarred from being the bulls-eye
of arrows I chose to shoot
My eyes are no longer lovely
they display blood-red veins
from the bullets that've been fired at them
      
My body is a battlefield and I'm pleading surrender.

If my daughter ever comes to me
and asks me if I think she is pretty
I will say NO
You are so much more than pretty
you are beautiful
If my daughter ever comes to me
with tears stains on her face
telling me her heart's been broken
by the boy she thought was the one
even though she may only be 14, or 16, or 21
I will not ask who it was
I will simply hold her until the pain stops
whether it be minutes or hours
or even days
and buy her some chocolate, of course
If my daughter ever comes to me
and shows me the scars on her wrists
and her legs
and her sides
I will not look away horrified
I will simply show her
how a little bit of time
and a little bit of cream
can heal all wounds
even those of the heart
If my daughter ever comes to me
and shows me her sharp hip bones jutting out
and her soft ribcage peeking out
I will not call her crazy or any awful name
I will simply hold her soft enough
that her bones may not break
and walk her along the
all too familiar path to recovery
If my daughter ever comes to me
bleeding and bruised
because he didn't know
what no meant
I will not make her feel *****
I will not make her feel worthless
I will not ask why she didn't stop him
I will simply calm her victimized heart
and show her the many ways to ****
a man or a woman
if they ever touch her without her consent again
I will not judge her
for the many nights she may fall asleep crying
Instead I will prepare her a cup of tea,
buy her some inspirational movies,
write her some poems
and give her some books
Because I know broken souls
cannot be fixed over-night
I will let her buy dresses
that make her feel beautiful
and will not laugh at her
if she chooses to wear them with tennis shoes
I will let her stay home from school
every once in a while
even if I know she is faking it
because I know we all need a break sometimes
and I know that school isn't the only place
you can learn valuable life lessons
If my daughter ever comes to me
with a small child in her arms
one whom was not exactly planned
one whom has no father
I will step in and be that father
I will be her help

But most importantly
If my daughter EVER comes to me
and confesses her mental illness
I will not doubt her
I will not mock her
I will simply smile at her
and assure her she is not alone
and will get the means for help
For I never want her to know
what lonely tastes like

Perhaps one day
someone will come along
who doesn't reek of
false promises and
broken hearts
Someone with hands
gentle enough to
hold the tears
but strong enough to
fight the sobs
Perhaps there is someone
who's eyes are bright enough
to see through
the dark corners of my soul
Someone with lips wise enough
to know when to speak
and when silence is a loud enough answer
Perhaps there they are out there
or perhaps that someone
is simply in me

Te busco en las esquinas del pueblo
Te busco en los ojos de los caballeros  
Te busco como una niña perdida
busca a su madre
Con angustia, con miedo
Miedo a encontrarte entre otros brazos
Miedo de hallarte con otra boca
Pero aun asi tengo esperanzas
de encontrarte entero
porque de poder encontrar pedazos tuyos
eso si pude hacer
Encontre tus ojos mientras miraba el cielo estrellado
una noche oscura en el Beni
Halle tu sonrisa por ahi en el mar
azul de Brasil
Senti el rozo de tus dedos
Mientras el viento jugaba con mi pelo
en pleno Los Angeles
No te he perdido para siempre
Eso me sigo diciendo
Y sigo viajando porque
te sigo buscando con esperanzas
de poder juntar todos los pedazos tuyos
y que formen el rompe cabezas
mas bien rompe corazones y mentes y almas
y que finalmente te pueda nuevamente ver

Deje mi corazon en tus manos hace mucho tiempo
y al irme, me lo quise llevar
termino en dos pedazos
yo con una mitad y tu con la otra
espero que al igual que yo estes buscando la otra mitad

I will not apologize for
the person I have become
So what if I still don't know
how to correctly hold chop sticks?
What's wrong with the fact
that I fall asleep to slam poetry
instead of some boy band?
Is it so awful that I eat cereal as my dinner?
Or is it a crime that every time I see a plane
I wish I could be on it?
I'm not sorry any of those.

But most of all
I will not apologize
for never learning to love in halves
and giving you my soul
whole-heartedly

I want to be with someone
who cherishes my writing
who treats my poems as
pieces of a puzzle
that make up my soul
someone who
views every sentence I scribble
as a map clue
leading to the final treasure:
my heart.

They say
          home is where the heart is
and my heart is with you
           but I no longer have the privilege
to know where you take it.

I wish I could write you a library
full of books containing all the
all the things I've been wanting to say to you
I wish I could send you the oceans in a jar
a drop for each tear
that spilled down for my face for you
I wish I could send you a desert in an envelope
each grain of sand representing the times you've
crossed my thoughts during and
run through my dreams
I wish I could send you the stars in a voicemail
one for every night I spent awake looking for you in the night sky
I would send you the moon on a postcard
To show you how far I've gone to find you in pieces of this world
the sun in a light bulb
to say that I still find the light that use to shine in your eyes
in everyone I meet

I would send you the silence in a small town at night
and the dark of a crowded forest
to show you my heart
now (but not for long)

I use to write like
it was my only way to get oxygen
about all the things I wanted to do
places I dreamed to go
people I had met
and those I hoped to one day meet
my writing brought memories back to life
people back to life
feelings back to life
it would stop the the hands of time
but now I can't write because when I do
I write about you
and it brings it all back
and I feel like I do
after running a mile
in the middle of spring
and I'm asthmatic

One day I hope he will know that
contrary to popular belief
I am NOT obsessed with superheroes
or constantly read comic books
that though I enjoy black and white pictures
and old jazz songs
one of my least favorite subjects was history
that though I will deny it to my death bed
I love wearing dresses and would rather daisies to roses
that I am absolutely terrified to watch scary movies
and will forever hate the dark
except on the rare occasions on which I get to star gaze
that I go to sleep at 4 o'clock almost everyday
no matter what time I fall asleep
that I love the taste of coffee and tea
that I dislike marshmallows after the first one
that I feel too deeply and over-think too often
that I hate technology
but I express myself best through writing
One day I hope he will know
the real me
But more than that
I hope he will know that I was
the most me when I was
with him (you)
I hope that one day
you will be him.

Tears like diamonds
Fall down my face
Scraping against it
Tearing the skin
Ripping the flesh
And easing the pain
Or increasing it

At this point
I don't know

Charles Bukowski once wrote:

“My heart is a thousand years old. I am not like other people.”

It is not a feeling most can
Comprehend
Being a youth in skin
Yet having wrinkles
In your heart and mind
But I do
I understand
What it's like to
Find "plastic" conversations
A bore
I live in a paper town
Maybe we all live in a
Paper world

But if you're one
Of the other inhabitants
Of this old youth
Space

Welcome.

You're not alone.

People say
that time flies by
and one day
you realize as you're lying in bed
that you're 80 years old
and it's 3 in the morning
and you're trying to remember
what it was like to have
a 20 year old mind
and a 10 year old heart
but see
by the time I was 10
I already had a broken heart
see when I was 9
I met a boy whose eyes
put the stars to shame
a lad whose smile
could light up the entire world
see when I was nine
I met the boy of my dreams
But to him, I was but
another weird girl
see what he doesn't know
is that the first time I saw him
leaning up against that wall
I thought to myself
I don't want anyone else
but him
see what he doesn't know
is that as we grew older
I fell in love with him
see what he doesn't know
is that no matter how many times
he breaks my heart
my heart still looks
for him
but there is one thing
I know
and that is
that when time
suddenly flies by
and it's 3 in the morning
and I'm 80 years old
and have forgotten everything
and am trying to remember
what it was like to have
a 20 year old mind
and a 10 year old heart
I know
I know
that I will remember
**him