language warning*

So what.
I am a person, with hobbies
Interests

We need labels to understand, but I don't remember anything about labels to discriminate.
How can a feminist be racist? Or any other paradox

They are just labels- to explain and no more. **** all of those *******

So... I'm bisexual
Shock!
Horror!

Nothing more anymore
Identity limited- Why the **** should it be?

To say that just one of my labels defines me, it makes me inferior- well that makes you as a ****

The Jewish labelled with their numbers- me with a word- do you see what you do to me
And to yourself.

Why do they say knitting needles go 'click'?
It's more of a 'squeak', 'shuffle', 'tap', 'shuffle'.
Is it the same way that rain doesn't 'splash'?
It goes 'drop', 'plop', 'thud'.
These are the thoughts that rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

Thoughts aren't threads to be woven
They are patches to be stitched together- each one a new colour.
Grey is when my brain won't stop- the colour of school uniform.
White is when I'm scared and alone- an ethereal mist.
These are the thoughts that rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

Recently there's been a lot of green- warm and swirling like a gemstone.
It is like marble in its pattern, layers of shades overlapping.
That's what your patches are. And here I'm
Trying to not think of you but you rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

I notice a burnt orange- like lava bubbling over a cool skin.
That is quiet anger. Not at you.
Not at me for thinking of you.
At the one who thought I could stop.
It is impossible, especially when I don't want to stop as I sit
And knit.

Even as I tried to write a poem withought you.
I couldn't.
You're here again- and these are just the ones I wrote down.
All these thoughts of you rise to the top as i sit
And knit.

Lassie, sweetheart, love
That's not my name
Calling loudly, feel like I'm dying
Embarrassed, school skirt flying

Pet, darlin', hottie
That's not my name
Followed up the street, feeling scared
Don't know how to get help, if I dared

*****, ****, ****
That's not my name
Cop a feel when you go by, want to be sick
I'd never see you again, if only I could pick

Girl, gorgeous, lovely
That's not my name
Mind blanks on procedure, sheer panic as you come
Pushed up to a wall, you grab my ***

Beautiful, star, babe
That's not my name
I cried when you came home with me
After dinner, you claimed your fee

If I close my eyes and think of you
I can smell your scent
From a mere two days ago
The flutter in my heart follows

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the joints
That I identified aged 10
I try not to *****

If I close my eyes and think of my best friend
I can smell her perfume and washing powder
It makes me smile
And want a hug

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale beer
A middle of the night smell
It meant 'don't leave your room'

If I close my eyes and think of my mum
I smell safety and comfort
Strength and gravity
The balance keeps me strong

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale sweat
The cruel words of abuse
The hatred inside myself

If I close my eyes and think of my sister
I smell vanilla and style
Fashion and creativity
Sullen kindness

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the cold of the room
With its broken window in the arctic temperatures
The fire unlit because the marijuana needed somewhere to grow

If I close my eyes and think of school
I smell the comforting sawdust
The corridors familiar
The classrooms like home

If I close my eyes and think of my father
Not having friends round to tea- because.
16 not 6-  you can't buy my trust
16 not 46- don't want prayer flags for my birthday

If I close my eyes and think of home
I smell the damp washing hanging up
Every squeaky floorboard
Every drip, clank, comforting noise

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I smell the power he loved to have
How I haven't seen him in three years
The fear that still remains

If I close my eyes and think of myself
I smell nothing
Hear and see nothing
At that is what scares me the most.

He thought that I was blind to it all,
That I thought he could not fall.
He never thought to stop and think,
To see that I could make the link.
So he never thought i knew
That he had a mental blue,
But he denied it for so long,
I knew it all and he was wrong.
He hurt me in a life-long way,
A mental scar that will always stay.
Denied his strange mentality,
Which gave him his verbal brutality
If you read this, and you are he,
Then give me time to just be me,
And adjust to a stress-free life
Without your harm and without the strife.
You're always there, on my case,
If you weren't then seeing you I would embrace,
I'm still too angry, it's still fresh in my mind,
I can't yet leave the past behind.
He thought that I was blind to it all,
That I thought he could not fall.

I'm still waiting for you to kiss me
With those crimson lips so smooth.
And I'm still waiting for us to be alone
When the pain in your bright eyes can be soothed.

I'm still waiting for you to get help
For the carmine rivers that you trace.
And I'm still waiting for a reason why
You broke the promise you put in place.

I'm still waiting for my head to stop spinning
The rose hairclip means I see you down the hall.
And I'm still waiting to tell when my stomach flips
If it's good or not at all.

I'm still waiting for my logic to return
But love gives an alazarin tint to every drama.
And I'm still waiting for a chance to talk to you
But I seem to have bad karma.

I'm still waiting for that hug you owe me
My ruby hair shoelace flopping in my eyes
And I'm still waiting to be the tall one of the pair
As I try to move on, part of me dies.

I'm still waiting for that movie date we planned
And the ketchup coloured earring you wear in the left ear
And I'm still waiting to dance and twirl you round
In my arms I could hold you near.

I'm still waiting for when you blush
Vermillion as insults are thrown across the street
And I'm still waiting for the chance to set that right
Remmembering you defending me in the stifling heat.

I'm still waiting for the time to tell you
How much you're in my thoughts
And I'm still waiting for your birthday so I can gift
The cadmium sketchbook that I bought

I'm still waiting for the coral pain to stop in my heart
It's there for you, of that I have no doubt
And I'm still waiting for the laughter to return
To my life when we sort this out

I'm still waiting for the trip to the coast
The bergundy viking boat alight
And I'm still waiting for what will never be
But then again, it might.

How can restriction be so freeing?
Constricted in nylon compression
Freedom in mind
Shallow breaths
But filled with smiles
With a skip in my step

Drown out the silence
The snakes come whispering
Slithering
Drown it out with the noise
Tiny quiet close and loud
Drown out the words
The snakes
Hide very still hearing the silence
Imagine the noise to drown the snakes
A wave of sound drowning
I drown in the silence and see
Imagine
The snakes as they drown
They are still here
Creeping in through the cracks of quiet noise
What do the snakes say
They say nothing nothing
It all means something
No noise messages
The silence hurts but the words hurt more
What heart do the snakes have it is all gone only cruel carved stone
What heart do i have it is gone torn apart into silence
Let the tears come
Slow like the thunder
Quiet like the eye of a storm
Loud as the screams I hear
The screams that are mine
As i try to drown out the silence
Scream scream but only I can hear

The snakes still live but protect me not harm me
They surround me like a living shield
And i begin to be proud of them
In my green glowing underwater haven
They whisper but i cannot hear
I  don't need to
Most are gone and the few that remain
I know where they come from and who to blame
For the fact they have to stay
Slithering whispering
Drowned out by the lake
Not my snakes but anothers words
In the guise of my symbol
The sorcery comes from my mothers words
Slippery sliding
Venom from a saviour
Like a traitor
Rats squeak
Scurry
Scatter
For snakes eat rats and they protect me
Rats and words
Words and rats
My snakes protect me
Her cats protect her
And then there is the mouse queen
Almost all good but gets nothing done
Doesn't know of the rats of her right hand man
Voice uses them
Betrayers
Do no good

Yes.
At sixteen I've never been kissed
Let alone gone further

For too long I was looking in the wrong area
But now I now who I am

I'm not going to pretend anymore
I'm finally going to be me

I would like to love another
And for them to love me

I'm ready, but I'm just too ******* shy
To make the first move

What happens if the friendship dissappears
Afterwards

I'm scared and frustrated but most of all I'm
Embarrassed.

Washing over, it is a surprise
No noticeable trigger, even in retrospect
Nothing, and then BAM
A brick wall built in a moment as you step forwards
Hard to describe, my pen rusty from sitting tucked up in a drawer for so long
First I am me
Then me but not the same
How to define that inbetween?
Inconstant, shifting without warning
Dizzying to experience, shifts my emotions sideways
The one who laughs the loudest needs hope,
The one who is the rock needs stabilising
Or else TIP down as the little stones beneath shift around,
Down the cliff from the plateau
Leaving everyone else to cling to the rockface
How do I tell you that SHE makes me feel sick
When it had no effect yesterday?
It isn't he, nor always she, but neither ze nor they.
I am more than IT but less than she
How to tell you that she isn't me?
She was yesterday, the day before,
Today I am only me, as of 22:34
Tomorrow who knows?
But how to explain.

The battle of clothes.
Yesterday, curves accentuated
Today, too tight chest
Tool loose waist too tight hips
Nothing fits except the tears which spring to my eyes
Ever more easily.
Staining my cheeks, my sleeve sodden
I face the world and smile, laugh the loudest, help the most.
Nobody sees me crumble as i shift again,
Stagger slightly as it moves
Not back to where i once was,
But somewhere different once again.

My strength comes from me, but sometimes I can't help wishing I was  an elder daughter, a big sister, an average teenage girl.

That girl who smiles and laughs as you walk by?
Who you are jealous of?
She needs help more than most
The very word she can be jarring
But SHE smiles.

That clever girl who goes to the Catholic all girls around the corner?
Who you are jealous of?
Stupidity and cowardice to not be herself lie beneath.
Buries herself in schoolwork

That beautiful girl sits at a nearby table?
The one you are jealous of?
Beautiful is a dagger in her heart.
For she is not she nor he
Only somewhere in between
It is you these 'girls' are jealous of

You said I was Alaska- its true
But I'm not gonna crash that car.
I replied 'then you're the Colonel'
And you're much better- by far.

You always said you were Lennie
And this I was George- the clever one.
But I am the fool and you are the brighter,
You'll be around when I'm gone.

You always thought you were Ron
And me Hermione- I guess so.
But then who's Harry- *** we're not gonna marry
It's you- you are the hero.

I reckon I'm Eragon- the wanna be warrior
With a lot to learn.
But I've Saphira by my side
Level-headed fun and stern.

I'm Frodo- I keep going,
But weakness roots in my heart
In you I have found my Sam,
Won't let me fall back to the start.

Asterix the bright and clever-
Always knows what to do.
I follow- a faithful Obelix,
I'll always look to you.

And if I am truly Odin then you are Asgard itself.
How many other ways can I describe our friendship?
Your are Peter the rock-
And I am Thomas the doubter.

Sometimes I forget
The abuse.
Sometimes even the
Pain begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Knocking on my door at 9.45
On a Saturday night
Isn't normal
When I haven't seen you in 3 years.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear flows through my veins.
and i turn the TV up
and I pretend I can't hear you
and I cry silently.

Sometimes I think that I can
Move on.
Sometimes the barrier
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Parking outside my school
For a week
Isn't normal
When you don't even know my age.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my escape plan is ready
and I won't walk alone
and I try to hide in the crowd.

Sometimes I think you've
Finally died.
Sometimes the fear
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Offering holidays just to me
And not your other daughter
Isn't normal
When we both chose to leave your life.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my head is spinning
and I change my number
and I block you.

Sometimes the PTSD
Is gone.
Sometimes my childhood
Is rescued.
But then I remember-
A 30 mile bike ride
With no food or water
Isn't normal
When you're only 10 years old.

*and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and the insomnia takes hold
and I can't open my front door
and if you could get in you would.

If losing yourself is like drowning in the deepest sea
Then I'm being drowned by society
Down into isolation and darkness
I realise it's important so hark! This
Person is finding out just who they are
It's taken time and I've travelled far
But I'm sinking and flying at the same time
If you've got a problem you can wait in line
Behind all the bullies and people I've been mean to
I'm starting to get my problems seen to
By doing it myself and carpe firm
I need to be me so they can be them
Heading down I don't know the words
But up in the sky it all seems absurd
It's safer to be a serious straight woman
Than a fun bi genderqueer who can
Do whatever the hell they like
And don't feel scared be "***" or "****"
Being yelled at across the street and whispered on the stair
Because confidence means they just don't care
What people think or how they behave
So standing up for myself isn't brace
It's supporting human rights and I have a right to be
Here on this earth as part of this world
Not in the sea or sky, not boy or girl

Does she know what I'm thinking
Can she see it in my eyes
When she talks about Alice
A little bit of me dies

I weep but she doesn't see.

She's so beautiful but she doesn't know it
Her arm covered in lines of silvery white
They read 'dragon' again and again
When she walks in the room my heart soars like a kite

I head it so I don't embarrass her.

I have her gift that smells of her
Her picture in my head is what keeps my alive
Sometimes I sit and watch her draw
Good cop bad cop sketch book five

Just this year.

I have no shame of what I feel
But I can't confront those who will
The one I've told I think has guessed who
But if I tell others my grave is filled.

I'm not ready to die quite yet.

The friendzone is a danger
Which I am part of now
We have so much in common
Escape? Tell me how

I dare not break the bond we have.

I'm not stupid I know she has faults
But I admire each of them
Because she knows what they are
And to me they are gems

To be prized an not forgotton, but admired.

In turn she knows what I am like
How cruel I am to those I love
How I destroy all that I care about
Because I am a bomb and not a dove

Painted white to show my innocence

You keep sending me up and down like a yoyo-
But I'm the cheeriest, sunniest yoyo around.
Going down is the best bit by now
Because I know I get to spring back up.
You might find another yoyo eventually,
But none so bright, hardwearing, or smooth running as me!

Those flowers you sent me were beautiful
Until I touched them.
Now they are black roses, rotting daffodils.

You said I had the Midas touch,
But this curse is even worse.
Now i dare not hold you
Lest you end up in a hearse.

Should be crying but I want to laugh
And dance in glee
Where are my tears?
The rivers are dry and the sun beats down

The greyness will not go
From my mind, from the world
A dome of haze surrounds this troubled town
Dense, thick, ****** into the ground and out to the sky
From my soul, from the world
I'm not so far from sitting with the wild eyed vagrant
Watching all hope walk away
From my heart, from the world
A cruel twist of fate this is- when it began
Troubles came from a solution
From my pocket, from the world
Thanks to inefficiency, from the privileged
I have no food coming
From my hand, from the world
Dreams of warmth and meagre luxuries
Seem so distant, so impossible
From my head, from the world
If I can't survive this month on air
I shall go from my home
To the street, to the world.

Those first touches, caresses
So gentle, so light I thought you a ghost
And yet how could I ever miss you
With your cold beans and your microwaved toast
I can't remember when they started,
But I will never forget them turning into something more
Accidental marring and patterns traced
You never knock normally on my door.
Touched aren't ghostly when everyone leaves
A night of mad men is making me mad
Game of Thrones was just a pretence; you knew.
It was exciting and safe, your nerves made me glad
Because our tentative exploration developed so fast
Practice makes perfect,
Mutual inexperience was cute
We learnt of our actions and we learnt of each other
A background film was certainly astute
You made your mark and I made mine
You teased, you were subtle, my arm shows your line
My canvas, your neck, headphones hide the divine
My bra covers all, on your eyes mine do dine

My what an expensive brand of bruise you wear!
It looks so real, like Fell Down the Stairs by House Wife
But surely not, none of us could afford it on our budget
It's genuine? I don't believe you.

Such an exquisite range of shades you have on,
And matching that dress so well!
Surely that's not a coordinating colour of cut lip too?
A gift from your partner? I don't believe you.

Put your troubles into something else.
Don't use that razor blade again.
Or the blunt scalpel you keep.
Or even that bent kitchen knife.

Put your troubles  into something else.
Leave the eyeliner on the shelf.
Leave the rubbers in the box.
Leave the earrings on the stand.

Put your troubles into something else.
How about the doodles you draw.
Or the stories that flow from your pen.
Even the paintings done at dawn.

Put your troubles into something else.
Maybe, even, me. I won't look at them.
I will gently untangle every one.
Trim them until they are all gone.

Put your troubles into something else.
Not a sealed chest.
Not a closed box.
Not a corked bottle.

Put your troubles into something else.
Let your mind be free.
Let your heart be free.
Let me be free.

I love you
Your gentle touch
Your nervous giggle
You caring smile

I love you
But I'm not in love

My hand clenches around my heart
Constricting its beating
Forcing it to step in time to the wrong dance

I'm slicing m own soul apart with this quandary
But the knife is so sharp I hardly notice it
I only think of your face
What you will do when I tell you

I love you
But I'm not in love

The hurt pouring from your eyes
Like blood from a wound
Not windows, but floodgates to the soul unable to close

As your eyes furrow
And mouth turns, open in surprise
Glasses a shield for me
Or you, I can't tell

I love you
But I'm not in love

Never felt like a bigger fraud than I have right now
Fake it till you make it
Except it feels like cheating
To pretend I know so much
When I'm just really good at paraphrasing
If only I could memorise
Word for word to hide these lies
Quotes, formulas, preprepared answers
The skill they want is they skill they lack
But so do I and that's the issue
I understand it all I just couldn't tell you
What was said when, by whom.

You're kicked to the dirt so you pick yourself up,
You're given ***** water so you get a fresh cup.
You're always put down so you grin and smile.
You're bullied for your clothes so you change your style.

Then every so often they start being nice,
To hide from their friends their heart of ice.
You think they might keep up the pretense,
Until they cross back over the fence.

Then one day, you just snap,
You can't take it anymore so you start to fight back.
You want your identity, not to be hidden,
To show how you feel, not to be forbidden.

You can never be free from thought,
Your memories can not be fought,
but you can choose to move forwards or not,
So you can be happy and let them rot.

Don't let yourself be kicked to the dirt,
Don't accept ***** water; it will only hurt.
Tell somebody if you feel put down,
And keep your style even if they frown.

As the lone tear falls down my cheek
My barricade crumbles.
The dam bursts, first a trickle, then a flood
All the sadness rushes out
As the mask protecting me buckles,
Crumbles under the strain.

When someone dies you hide the grief,
Store it until the right moment.
Wait for the funeral service.

An empty bank of words in my head now.
Everything there but nothing visible,
Like a bad filing system with no order.
You cant find what you want
Express it all wrong.

That is what has happened here,
But it has to be expressed or I will explode

Love.
It has made fools of us all, for centuries gone by. I am a fool.

The awkward smile
The absent-minded tucking of my hair behind my ear

I glow in her company

She is radiant, and it rubs off onto me a little when I am near her.
There must be a quote about that somewhere.

A fool I may be, but an honest fool
I see her faults

Selfharming and shoplifting,
But a thief with morals

How to say something?

When they say its like a circle
And you're spinning in my head,
You're sitting on a roundabout
Painted pillarbox red.

It spins so fast and just keeps going
Until you are a blur,
Your beauty still distinctive
You make quite a stir.

I spent 13 years building a brick wall around myself
3 years building a bombproof shelter
I even added windows
To see the outside world.

But I forgot the fire exit
And now the fire's lit
The smoke is filling up my mind
Burning all of me.

Gone is the (com)passion
Gone the creativity
Gone the personality
Just bitter memories in their fireproof box.

Even as I build the bomb shelter
I scream for a way out
Searching for a weakness in the wall
That isn't there.

At least I painted the outside
Simple, bland, attractive
In universal white
So good, nice, boring.

Oh look, I'm stuck in the only corner left
Holding tattered fragments of burnt personality
Waiting for the fire to burn
Me up.

Teenager
Child in a body too big
Grown up too small
Confused and complicated
Life used to be simple
Grown up so fast that i  don't recognise myself
I can hide from myself inside my brain
Don't let the madness show
The confusion and sadness and madness

Dont let hem worry about you

Never been kissed well thats just sad
No friends out of school thats just sad
Never had a boyfriend thats just sad
Confused mad me? Im just sad.

Nothing you can do to change it
Don't trust anyone too much hurt
Want to trust but cant

Don't understand emotions only ok or wrong
Cant turn my brain off
Don't understand why to look at people when i talk to them
Often too absorbed to hear anyone
Bright light
Cant handle its too much
Too logical
Bright enough to hide these difficulties
Don't let anyone worry

I cant deal with it anymore
Just want to cry in someones arms
I cant break down too much responsibility
Too much pressure
EXAMS DIVORCE MADNESS
I am broken
Trying to patch up as the inside crumbles
No inside left to hide
No outside to hold the patches
I am broken and confused and sad and mad

Just another teenager in the street
I dont stand out unless you know me
Except for not looking like a ****
I  don't dye my hair or use fake tan
I never wear more than a little mascara
No tiny shorts or big hair
No push up bra or revealing top
Just sad mad me in hoodie and jeans
Wearing converse because theyre comfy not because theyre cool

I am b r o k e n cunfosde and mmmmaaaaadddd me and i cant take it anymore.

On that day, when I moved no more,
The sunset carried me through heavens door.
I never thought that heaven was real,
Now I knew what sunsets concealed

As the sun goes down, the sky comes alive
Bathed in light, everything thrives.
Animals are heading home, petals close, lights come on,
As the sun sets, all golden light, for owls and bats, the hunt is on.

Sunsets, I died so I could see once more,
That golden gate, heavens door.
Upon my tombstone all I wish,
A sunset served up on a dish.

Before it happened I was excited.
It was daring.
I could impress you like you impressed me.
Show you I was caring.

Before it happened I knew it wasn't going to work.
It was a nightmare.
We sat on the red plastic seats like at school.
People around us glanced and began to stare.

As it happened I only took six steps.
And then we were seen.
We went through the grey door, the evidence.
On the computer screen.

As it happened I told you I loved you.
You had noticed.
You hugged me with a tear in your eye
At that moment we felt the closest.

After it happened we walked out togeher, your arm around me.
Mine around your waist.
You claimed it was only you to blame as we were there.
Being encased.

After it happened you joked about always wanting to be here.
Just not on this side.
I hugged you tight and didn't want to let go.
And I cried inside.

Now its over I feel so ashamed.
I could've said no.
You would have thought no less of me.
Had i done so.

Now its over I lie here in my bed worrying that you'll look for.
The razors I hid.
Please don't. Talk to me and let me help you get through.
What we did.

Soon our love will be over
Soon our love will end
There'll be laughing and kissing and making love
And giggling and playing until the shove

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

We keep going like we're the same
Pretending that we haven't changed
But we've grown up, and we've grown apart
You'll always have a place in my heart

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

Childhood crush became a summer fling
That turned into a long term thing
But we aren't kids with innocent smiles
I see the world when I look in you eyes

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

There's blankness in my eyes and pain in yours
I can't remember anymore
You can't forget, and it's eating you whole
These two kids are now two damaged souls

1)
She said happy and I burst into tears
They ran like they carried the worries I held
Wearing away the mortar of my wall

The bricks are still there but
You can remove with ease
Bombproof shelter  has breathing hole

2)
Entire section of wall removed
Door put in place for optional use
Copies of data discovered on a USB stick

I gazed into your eyes and my troubles melted away
I didn't even notice you take down the bombproof roof
Now I can see the stars

3)
Kind honesty heals me
Carefully the bricks are put into neat piles, sorted
For use as a garden feature

Sledghammer handed over
The dynamite put in place
The bombproof shelter is no more

It's barely been four days
And I miss you.

I listen to a song
And I miss you.

I walk past where we met
And I miss you

I see the underage smokers
And I miss you.

I see the teen punks
And I miss you

I read any book
And I miss you

I daydream and it always is you
And I miss you.

I do the bus journey
And I miss you.

I scroll through Facebook
And I miss you.

I doodle a dragon
And I miss you.

I eat a glacier fruit mint
And I miss you.

I stare at my wardrobe
And I miss you.

I play video games
And I miss you.

I wander round town
And I miss you.

It seems like there's no escape
And I miss you.

I come running to the words
And I miss you

I wait for inspiration to strike
And you appear.

I think I thought I could save you
From yourself, from your troubles, from life.
And that maybe that would make you mine,
Help you to throw away the knife.
Forever.

I think I thought I would help you
Along self belief street.
But the daring darkness from your unconfidence
Is part of you, the one I loved to meet.
At first.

I think I realised I loved you
When I didn't care about your flaws.
I met all of you and cared for you,
As we ran through double doors.
Together.

I think I realised I clicked with you,
When you loved the same things as I.
You showed me new, and I looked at you,
And my whole heart leapt high.
In the air.

I think I knew I could trust you
When I came out to you and you didn't spread it.
We larked about for days on end,
In my arms, so well you fit.
So close.

I think I knew your importance
When you whirled around in my head.
You were all I could think of throughout the day,
And all night as I lay in bed.
Daydreaming.

Time goes slowly, time goes fast
Life doesn't last.
The wheel of fortune doesn't stay the same
Father Time isn't tame.
Friends back-stab at the base
You always come last in the race
Lady luck is at the top,
You feel your luck will never stop
Then, back round you go,
everything stops being just so.
Death will come,
At the bottom it's gruesome.
At the top it's calm,
Floating away in Lady Luck's palm.
When you join the dance
Is completely chance
Some are born up at the top
Luck in life that doesn't stop.
Some are shoved onto the ground,
Fated to be lost not found.
Time goes slowly, time goes fast,
Life doesn't last.

As I stand, sit, stand
Tears stream out of my eyes
Who are you?
Surrounded by love for you
I cry
Not for the stranger the lies behind the curtain
A corpse
But for those I love.
I love. Those who loved you.
Black surrounds me
Subdued colours
Black rustle, slink, stretch
Your picture stares out at us all as we sit
Stand,sit
Listen to a song I've never heard before
You loved it, its happy
I don't think you would have liked to see this
The crying. Grief surrounding your remains
I brought some flowers to put
On the plot where your ashes will be
But you didn't want anything
They are burnt alongside you
The memories aren't burnt. They remain
Brighter than before. Calendars and
Jumpers. Always too small but I wore them anyway.
I didn't know you, but
I miss you.

Luscious sycamore
Smiling carefree ocean eyes
Dream of that first kiss

You are the friend it took me years to find,
Now I can leave the past behind,
You led me through darkness to light,
Never complaining, you never took flight.
I want to return the help you gave,
though it may take me to my grave.
Though we argue now and then,
You are a friend, and friend again,
You will be. For you are the one who chose to be,
such a very good friend to me.

the utter hatred i felt in that moment how angry i was that she could bear to hurt someone else and not feel at all bad she thought that if you hurt someone they would still cone running back and i did i shouldnt have but i did because i had a sense of honour of duty to my family how stupid i was to think that i cared about someone who would happily see me die just to claim my belongings i thought she cared about me as i care about her but no she only pretends she does and as soon as mum has gone out she goes back to her true self just waiting to hurt me using any insult she knows will **** me a little bit inside my only sister supposedly a person to rely on a person to help me when i need it but no she just kept kicking me down until i could not get back up because i felt like everyone would do the same but no one saw her for who she was they only saw her outside the mask she put on to cover up what she was really like and to think i would have died to save her i still would because she is the favourite despite what anyone says she always will be the favourite because in their eyes she cant make a mistake in their eyes she is a goddess to be worshipped and if she says i deserve to die they will sen the assassin themselves not waiting to hear what i have to say i just want the quiet like the wind in the trees and the rain on a window pane all by myself but with friends nearby so my head cam explode in silence and i can feel peace without having to worship the goddess and feel sorry for her nonexistent injury and pretend she is kind or that she cares if i live or die and she is meant to love me and i her but just *** shes my sister it doesnt mean that we love each other i do deep down but it is hidden by the anger at the way she treats me and thinks pretending to be upset will gain her sympathy but i see through it even if mum doesnt and leaves me to grieve alone crying myself to sleep nobody knows i stay quiet so she doesnt hear me so i  don't wake her even though i shouldnt care but i still try to be kind and i say sorry when i get it wrong but no the goddess is too good for acknowledging injury to others either physical or mental she just doesnt care how anyone else feels how can she be so selfish or not be aware of the daggers she drives into me when she talks i can feel them stabbing into my heart leaving open wounds that will not heal just stay there until my whole heart is red raw and bleeding i must find a passion but what is there but a void of silence drown out the silence watch the snakes drown and cry as she disappears the snakes are all that is left medusa the gorgon once beautiful and clever but no longer the silence of the snakes has taken the beauty there is only cruel perfection perfection of the cruelest kind the silence hurts but the words hurt more the words hurt more

Nothing all gone
Nonsense no sense
Backwards
Upside down empty
Brain cant stop
Too much nothing
Packed tight empty space
Everything gone
Still there can't find it
Mixed up confused
Hidden in plain view
Stay still keep moving
Never existed far away
Cant reach too bright
White noise empty space
Silence too loud
Nonsense moronic ox
Death divorce illness stress
Madness
Wont go away isnt here
Missing but not gone
Crowding around
one big lump of busy emptines
Scared it wont stop
The noise and the panic

She was risky, she made me feel exhilarated
He paid me attention, I felt liked
He liked me for my weirdness, when I got overexcited
He made me feel safe. In his arms the world could not reach me

She made me feel all these things and more.
She smiles, my breath quickens.
She remembers what I like, I know I am interesting.
We get excited together, laughing and jumping and clapping, wide-eyed.

When I hold her in my arms, I know she is safe and I am too, both saviour and saved.
I hold her hand and never want to let go- the silent confidence makes me beam from ear to ear.
"I've got you" It says, "and you've got me."

Oops. I promised myself not to think of you again
Its not a love triangle. We have a love chain.
I love you
But what can I do?
You love Alice
She knows, but you miss the malice
She loves Bunny
******* ******* biker sweet as honey
We all know about the White Rabbit
And the ***** with her heart breaking habit
But I say nothing to you, so you don't know
Of my heartache. I'm just a chicken with my shoelace bow.
The flower crown you begin for her lies gathering dust
In hope. To save our friendship- I think I must,
I stay silent, what happens if I'm not?
I can't escape you in my head because you're there a lot.
My palm tree has guessed I think
She is a out to speak- on the brink.
Mixed messages. AC electricity.
Like a spell you have an intoxicity
A Spine in the way
but he won't stay
I'm ****** if you see this though
Not literally but I wish it were so
When you know what I feel
I will risk a friendship- so real
I think of you like TNT
I could explode us or set you alight you see
But time is running out for us
To get our tickets for the sweetheart bus
Yes or No runs around in my head
What would you say- will I be dead?
Too shy to ask when it might be OK
Even if it's a no our friendship could stay.

I don't know what to do
With you

I tried not  to build the wall up
It just kinda happened
The way a chick suddenly realises
It's stuck in an egg.

I tried not to love you
Convince myself it was just friendship
That I craved
So deeply it hurt.

I tried to pretend it didn't hurt me
To hear you talk of her
And then when you stopped
To see the oceans you cried.

I tried not to secretly
Cry every tear you shed
Tried not to drench my pillow
So that I could wring the water from it.

I tried to be a good child so that
I would go unnoticed, uncriticised
I tried to shield my sister from the anger
That spread through the house

I tried to pretend I liked it,
Sitting alone at every break.
I tried to pretend that I wasn't an
Empty shell.

And to all those of you who out there
Live life trying- forget it.
You can try, but the try will fail
Crumble down when you think it worked.

The wall will be built
The tears noticed
So will you be.
They won't be protected
You will just get depressed
Your shell will be cracked
Like a fresh laid egg onto a concrete floor
From ten storeys up.

The rain falling from a tree lands with a weight
It is comfort, the outside world reminding me it's real
There is more than the airless, dry aired, stuffy rooms of school
There is a whole world to explore.
If I ran into the middle of the moor, and closed my eyes
Breathless
The roar of traffic could almost be the sea
Northern, icy, blue-green-grey.
In my kind it tickles the priory on a stormy night.
I wonder what it would be like to be somewhere hot
Where warm, humid air and bright light was outside
And icy cold white expanse was in.
Those grey clouds are more than the grey tinge of copy paper.
The black of tarmac is more than board pen
The spiny trees are real, no words come from their branches
All are familiar, and yet outside provides comfort.
Inspiration.

I set my boundaries
But your angel fire burned them.
I set my sat nav to you and you to I
But I was flying blind.
I wanted to love and cherish you
But as the eldest I take responsibility.
I looked at you and thought I knew all
But all I saw was beautiful heaven eyes.
I lay awake and thought of you always
But I only knew you until midnight.
I thought I just liked you
But you are my class a drug.
I tried not to love you
But you stirred my mortal engines.
I know you seem the only one now
But you can only be the first of your bloodline.
I take tea with you and feel so grand
But you sit on the silver chair.
I love one who I can't trust
But that is the fault in our stars.
I thought you a simple book
But you are quantum physics for dummies.
I could never run through fire
But I would by royal command.
I hoped for a first love that was perfect
But this is beautiful chaos.

Post filled with
3 part time jobs
All needed
And don't have to work in unity

Which is good because
1) is disapproving of
3) is jealous of
2) is wary of
1) is rude to
2)  thinks me foolish because I fell for
3) who fell for me

1) loves me unconditionally
2) and I are like sisters
3) and I love each other

Problem solved- demolishers found.

I almost asked a thousand times
How are you?
What are you up to?
Do anything right now?
But once is enough.

I almost poured my soul out to you
Can we talk?
Will you help me?
What should I do?
But I don't want to put you off.

I almost did it just there without asking
Kissed you.
Hugged you.
Whispered in your ear.
But I was too scared of rejection.

I almost solved the whole thing by text
Will you go out with me?
Is that a date?
Shall we give us a go?
But I like talking face to face.

When the almost girl worked up the courage was the day
The loved one wasn't were they should be.
I guess there's always tomorrow...

I know you don't like how I feel
But please try to remember that it's natural for
a thing like me.
No longer against the law

You gave me a heart of card
Inked your favourite lyric on it-
I tried to return one but its so hard.
I was too shy and now I feel like ****

Your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen
Yours are the lips that I want to kiss.
You could never be just another teen
But my courage is far down in the abyss.

Its not a problem when you're the only one there
I just don't want anyone else to see- quite yet.
I don't want them to bully you or to stare
But they're always around- since we met.

Please don't voice my greatest fear
Lest my circuitboard dies
Or I lose a gear
To the rivers of tears I will cry