I'm fine, doing great, yeah. Not been up to much really- at a bit of a loss now school's finally over.
help me I'm drowning in myself I can't escape this house, this prison, the people. My thoughts run in circles- the future, my little loki, that's it. I feel so trapped that there is no light anymore, except hope for the future- when I leave home I might have a chance at freedom if I haven't lost it to old Jack Daniels by then..

Yeah, I'm doing great too. Been trying to go on a few more runs now exams are done, taking care of my sister, that sort of thing. The other day we went to the park.
**my life is pretty bad right now. My relationship is a bit rocky, mum won't let me have five minutes to myself, and the only way I can escape is to go running before she gets back from work. Oh, and my ex has come crying to me about his problems.

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

The murmur of the TV next door
The giggling drunk students outside
The itching of the family dog
The creaking of the same floorboards

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

The shuffling of my sister on the bunk below
The familiarity of her rythmic breathing
The wind rolling plantpots around
The rain breaking on the window

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

You think its important, until its your turn,
Until they want you, the witch can burn.
Its not your problem, why should you care?
Their privacy gone, their life laid out bare.
But when it comes to you, your life,
You wish it was different, not you under the knife.
Under the light, for all to see,
Its wrong if its you, as wrong as can be.
Why are you different, why should you be hidden?
when scrutiny comes, you go if you're bidden.
Nobody's different, poor or rich,
Eventually everybody's in the ditch.
You hide at the edge, ready to flee,
You think, 'its wrong!', it can't be me!
The hole gets bigger, comes nearer,
the reflection in the mirror gets clearer.
The sun gets hidden, the darkness comes out,
The angels are lost, the devils come out.
You think its important, until its your turn,
Until they want you, the witch can burn.

When you stood in line
Clicked your heels and marched
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you ate your spongy bread
Drank coffee made from mud
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you stood there for days
Gangrene setting in
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you finally got the order
Nervous whispers all around
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you leapt over the barrier running like hell
Surrounded by friends dying
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you hit the floor to avoid a bomb
And held your breath as you lay sinking in the bog
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you hurdled barbed wire and corpses
Almost reaching the goal before being shot in the shoulder
Did you ever think that this would happen

When youre in your chair and the trauma returns
As you watch your grandson play soldiers
Did you ever think that this would happen
That it would be so bad?

I promised myself when I fell for you
That we could be friends if you didn't love me too.
Now I'm learning that's gonna be hard-
Harder than the diamond I want to give you.
But can't.

Before your first love you can't understand it,
I compared to my family but the shape doesn't fit.
They are triangles m'dear.
But my love for you is a circle, trying to fit in the square bit.
Oops.

When romance novels described bursting hearts
I know they felt life, about to restart.
But I also feel the oh so sharp pain,
Like being trampled by elephants pulling a cart.
Full of stones.

Love. ****. Why you?
It could have been someone easy.

I sit in a dark, musty room, the smell of damp penetrating my right to my bone.
the familiar shadows and lighting comforts me as I sit in the chair, staring into the mirror
The distant screams from far below are all too loud, but the scrape of metal on stone is worse.
I can hear my favourite song playing, and the crunch of a car pulling up on the driveway
I stare out the tiny hole in the wall above, focusing on the feet scurrying around in an attempt to ignore the bloodstains on the floor.
one last time I gaze at the familiar room, which has been mine forever, and will be no more
The key scrapes in the lock and the gate sqeaks open.
my mum knocks on the door before popping her head around
It's time
Roughly, I am forced up and one set of shackles replaced with another.
she guides me out of the room, crying already.
Reaching the door to the world, a quiet warning is uttered before I am forced out into the bright sunlight.
mum shouts for my dad and together we climb into the car, on our way at last.
I haven't left that cell in 16 years.
My time in that house is over- now I'm 25.
Stumbling over the cobbles in the glare I was so unused to, I barely noticed the shouts from the crowd which had gathered.
Everyone cheered as I got out, but they sounded muffled, entirely unreal.
The block on which I placed my head was well bloodied, stained brown from years of use.
The aisle was smooth, worn by all those who came before me.
I paid my toll and the axeman said something to the crowd- I couldn't think because all I could see was a well dressed woman standing where my daughter said she'd be.
He stood there beside me, as did the priest in his ceremonial robe.
I realised that was my daughter- not the eleven year old I remembered, but a twenty seven year old with her own family.
And so I am passed from my father to my spouse.
I opened my mouth to call out to her, an-
"I do."
**I woke in a dead sweat, convinced that one must be true.

You think you've got me tied to the ground
But darling- I'm free
I'm soaring, floating, flying far above
The land and  stormy sea

Past the clouds so grey and dull
Past dusk light atmosphere.
Oh dear sweet father of mine
I'm out the atmosphere.

You think that I'm tied down here,
Not allowed to leave the town.
But ******* *** you don't have a clue
That is the neighbour's kid that you tied down.

You couldn't tell the difference
*** you were so ******* high
That smell is all I know of you
And so my dear, goodbye.

No more crushed emotions
No more of that abuse
*** dear I am so strong now
That I'm no longer of use.

I'm the first in a line of sixty
Waiting to punch you in the face
But they might be dissapointed when after me
Your left in a neck brace.

You paid for karate lessons
Perhaps it was a mistake
Because I know more than you ever thought
And would **** you and leave no trace

The only problem with my  plan is that I won't break the law
But your killing yourself quite quick
And if thats what T-total looks like
Then I'll be an alcoholic I think

I guess i always wondered why
It was called heartache.
I guess i thought i knew on sunday when
It felt like a giant ice cube was glued to my chest
I guess i changed my mind when i worked out what
The numb feeling was in the rest of me
I guess the heart is just where
The pain starts to be felt
I guess that hardly anyone knows who
Causes me this pain
I guess that everybody knows how
Heartache comes from a broken heart

I guess I'm the only one that knows that I'm bot even broken,
I'm just a crystal that can't see if I have a crack or not.

I guess that light will appear
Tomorrow at school when we talk.

I can't trust you.
And I don't want to admit that
I don't love you anymore.
I'm still pretending
That you are the one.
I know that
I don't want to go out with you.
I'm trying to convince myself that
You were so important to me.
And how then,
I don't need you.
I'm only kidding myself when I say
I will always care about you.
Because it's not true-
I don't love you.
So I'm pretending that
I haven't moved on.
I need you to know that
My trust in you is broken.
And so even though
I can't beleive my courage.
I'm being honest with you.

When I was young I knew no bad,
Mostly happy, rarely sad.
The world was only a happy place,
Always a smile on my face.
I grew a little older, a little more wise,
I knew that my happiness was built on lies.
So I grew up, an adult by ten,
I learn't to avoid the dragons den.
I thought that I made a grave error,
When I dared to challenge the terror.
But then I realized something key,
the terror could only shout at me,
This terrified me as a child,
but now it did not seem so wild.
I was deadlier than he,
who had long ago been a threat to me.
The shouting covered up a madness,
So when it went I felt no sadness.

When I wake, when I work,
When I sleep, when I shirk,
Always putting on an act
Nobody can see the facts

On occasion, more now than then,
I pick up pencil, pick up pen,
And try to drop the cloak of bliss,
And enter into the abyss.

To open up, to feel my pain,
To feel my loss, to feel my gain.
I think of all the ones I knew,
Alive and dead, non- human too.

Some did choose to leave my life,
To bide their time and twist the knife,
I could think of them at any hour,
But only fear and grief would flower.

Some of them aim to patronize,
And so a plan they do devise,
To draw you in with gifts and treats,
They do you harm, then this trick they repeat.

But they see through half-blind eyes!
I am not clueless! I see their guise!
When this trick it does not work,
They seem insane, they go berserk.

I put on a brave face by day,
To hide the fact I'm feeling grey.
All washed out, not even blue,
My facade is fragile, but it will do.

If I ever am repaired,
If for a moment someone cared,
Then I will be back, this time fighting,
Fists for punching, teeth for biting.

My cloak of bliss, cover me up,
Horse of happiness, you are to gallop.
If my cloak should not exist,
Then peace shall be of what I consist.

When I wake, when I work,
When I sleep, when I shirk,
Always putting on an act
Nobody can see the facts

"You're not old enough" is all you hear,
"You're too young to be of any use".
Well, this is what I say to you:
"Don't listen to those well meaning, completely decieving, treacherous, think their better than us, we're old enough to understand, we've got your life all planned, so clever their dumb, brain cells and heart gone numb, big language they think you don't know, force you to follow them wherever they go, say its french if they swear, don't let your clothes tear, people that we trust in called grown ups.
You don't get on in life by listening to them, but by being:
Quite resourceful, only a little forceful, polite to those in power, never at all sour, an example of a good mix of words and fists, believing only in what exists, reasonably bold, young at heart not old, elegant whil still practical, clever and tactical, but most of all by being YOU and ignoring people unless they actually make sense for once!

So mixed up, so confused
I don't even know what I can do
To stop this all
So if you know, give me a call

Caught in the middle of all of it
Want to run away for a bit
Or forever, just to get away
From everything that's in my head today

My heart is torn up like bits of confetti
Abandoned on a stage floor and yet he
Has no clue what he's doing
When he flirts with the girl in
Alternative clothes with the sassy words
Even if I tried I wouldn't be heard

I say I've moved on from the sweetest kid
That I've ever met and what I did
To **** it by panicking about how to be
instead of just relaxing and sharing me

So I get jealous of mascara and lipstick
Because she doesn't have to think
About making the wrong move or what she says
Flirting with him as I hide my face

I'm emotionally drained from all of it
But people are just my kind of hit
To stop the sadness from gushing and flowing
So I'm in withdrawal when I say I'm going
The symptoms set in so turn up the music
And drowning them out is what I pick

Even if it doesn't work I can say I tried
But 'tween my heart and my head I'm going to die
From overload of emotions and thoughts
I'm tired of falling- I want to be caught

Tripping and stumbling and getting back up
Is all I do so pour me a cup
Of the strongest thing you can find
And let me leave the past behind

As another day passes by
I'm trying to deny that I want to die
So save me from it all, don't let me be dead
Let my heart and my head
And my soul be whole
Let in the new and let go of the old

To describe love with a star is overused.
But to describe you- it's perfect.
Burnig brightly, far away from everyone else.
Your timing is unpredictable, but the event is for sure.
You support life- my life.
And when you begin to deflate, you rise again (made of heavier stuff)
Until you reach lead, pumping through your veins.

After the biggest explosion you are so beautiful.
Only your core remains for those who survived to see.
And if you pull in too quickly, you make a black hole, devouring yourself.

I imagine on the other side of the black hole to be a new world, inside your head.
I'm floating through space and I don't know where
So I wonder if I am there?

There's nothing quite like
The s
         i
          n
             k
               i
                n
                   g
Feeling that you get
When you know you are second best
And there's nothing you can do to escape
But work.
Even harder in attempt to change it
But nothing will change.
And you put on your make up and
And the awful outfit that your mum bought you
Because maybe then
She'll say 'you look nice'.
From the kitchen you hear complaint.
Because doing the dishes at 7.30 am isn't a nice treat for her.
Because one cup gets put on the wrong shelf.
Oops.
Suddenly there's no point.
And as you s
                        i
                          n
         ­                    k
In your heart,
Suddenly you don't feel like going out.
You wipe off the makeup
The outfit becomes your comfy hoodie and jeans
There's no point because your on a
S
  I
   N
      K
         I
          N
             G
ship to nowhere

As I sit on my bed
Hear the TV next door
Blaring some survival **** from the nineties

As the light begins to fade
I begin to squint
At the patches I'm sewing on an old shirt

As I look forward to the weekend
Plan what to do
As Sunday is the day that I'll have with you

As music swirls in my head
Tiredness setting in
After two weeks of exams without any breaks

All I can think of is you.

Blank inspiration
Morbid death
Grey skies, clothes
White paper
Exams fill brain
So much forgotten
Time to relax is gone
Try to remember
Full memory empty
Don't want to
No choice
Morbid
Desperate in life

How?
Your best friend's secret
They share, and you cry inside.
You can't repeat it back,
You can't say that
Was what you wanted to say.
Can't diminish their feelings
Or think you were joking,
To make them feel ok. The kind
Of joke which isn't funny, just
Discounts their secret completely.

The secret you both share,
But you are alone. They have you,
You have nobody to turn to.
You lied to them before,
But not again.
Truth will out, but where and how?
Missed your chance to explain,
Waiting is agony.

To forgive or not to forgive?
Logic says what you did was wrong
But love gives you another chance.

I'd like to think it was a one off thing
Just to try and impress me.
But the look on the officer's face said otherwise.

I saw regret in your eyes and thought
It was for what you did but it wasn't.
It was for getting caught.

Today I wanted to talk, but she was in the way.
Oh well, we still had a lovely day.
But you tried again- this time I stopped you.

I still want to talk so much
That the walls of my mind can hear nought else.
But dare i give you another chance?

You hurt me but I don't feel it.
Do I want to help because I care,
Or is it the other way round?

Barbed conflict in my heart, you or me or us?

When I run I am free
Sport is synonymous with me
I don't care which game
Not one is lame
I am proud to play and to be

It is only a dream, the magic we could be

I imagined you
Daydreamed you
All of you
Your beautious wonder
Your faults

I looked at you and you were the same
As I imagined you
I saw the real you

But in my head you
Kissed me

I almost asked a thousand times
How are you?
What are you up to?
Do anything right now?
But once is enough.

I almost poured my soul out to you
Can we talk?
Will you help me?
What should I do?
But I don't want to put you off.

I almost did it just there without asking
Kissed you.
Hugged you.
Whispered in your ear.
But I was too scared of rejection.

I almost

I used to think in blue and red,
Right or wrong, alive or dead.
Purple was just not there
Because you either did or didn't care.

But when you fall in love you see
The other colours, pink and green.
Then there's yellow, orange too
The world's a thousand different hues.

My world breaks, shatters like a glass sphere.
   A fragile globe, damaged beyond repair.
      And all this happened to my world,
            because of a couple of words.
              One idiot and their mouth
                   ruined my life with
                      the words they
                              spoke.
                        They pressed
                    delete on my story
               of everything I knew about
         in the entire world by speaking out
     I heard them say something which killed
  All my faith and courage, all I comprehended.
Someone honest said that I should not live but die.

I'm still waiting for your lips- reach up to mine

When you make friends, they aren't always nice,
Sometimes they prove to be only a vice.
And then there's one, or maybe two,
Who throughout your life, are always there for you.

There is one friend I have, who I hold near my heart ,
We're joined at the hip, we're never apart.
She and I, we rarely disagree,
We're always together, I can guarantee.

If my life was the price then she would be saved,
If my death would free her then her path would be paved.
If her freedom gained meant mine to be lost,
Then I wouldn't think twice about the cost.

There is one friend I have, who I hold near my heart ,
We're joined at the hip, we're never apart.
We may be in body, but never in mind,
We could find each other if we were blind.

Yesterday I wrote of my best friend and I,
She is Peter the rock and I doubting Tom.
Now I begin to wonder if that is not quite such a metaphor,
For my heart hears doubt nearby- like a fuse heard by a bomb.

When I told my love that she was so,
She responded in kind.
But then something happened,
And doubt creeps into my mind.

On Saturday we did something stupid,
And she got grounded 'for a while'
But Facebook shows me photos of you out in town
And I want to run a mile

If I bury my head in the sand,
Maybe I'll forget what I saw.
Perhaps I'm making a huge deal of nothing,
Should I say no more?

I can't confront.

Chicken.

The doubt can dissolve my heart forever,
But at least it's better
                                      than no more you.