those who observed me while i was dormant
marveled at my majesty
unaware of the volatility that i barely kept contained

i was roped off, labeled with a tidy wooden sign that told me and others
what i was
a stoic monument and stable mountain

while at my core i seethed, i did my best to be what i needed to be in order to be witnessed

inevitably i erupted, frightening the gathered onlookers with a blazing rain of lava and a suffocating cloud of ash
the sky grew dark and it felt like the end of the world
but i needed to scream and i didn't mean to hurt anyone

i've had far fewer visitors since that day
i was fenced off, labeled with a rusting metal sign that told me and others what i was
a volcanic monster and volatile menace

i wonder
as i quietly crumble into the sea
if i will be remembered by humanity
and if so
will it be as the mountain
or the monster?

in the end
i think i would prefer to be forgotten

there once was a happy family that lived in a cottage at the end of a long and winding road.

once a week, in the morning, the mother walked down to the town square to trade at the market. sometimes she brought the children along, if they promised to be on their best behavior; they always crossed their hearts and hoped to die.

every week the last stop they made was at the butcher's shop. the butcher was well known in this town and several towns surrounding it. everyone came to them for their meat, which was prepared and wrapped right in front of you.

the best part was their price: all they asked was that you watch as they carved slices of flesh from their own body with expert precision.

scent carries the strongest memories
and when i smell the smoke of
a distant wildfire
i remember you

i hear sirens
and remember the song of you calling to me
– tempting me with your promise –
but by the name that would have crashed me into the rocks
had i let it live

i taste salt and blood
whiskey and water
ash
and lust
i had thought my palate cleansed
yet the flavor remains in my throat

when i dream about you, i often wake unsure whether i am drenched in my own sweat or yours
sometimes i can still feel the strength of your hands
around my neck
around my thighs
sometimes i can still feel your body along with my own
i wonder if you still think about me when you touch yourself

scent carries the strongest memories
and when i smell the smoke of a
distant wildfire
i remember you

the clippers buzz a drone against my skull
the hair falls like dead flies
into the sink and onto the floor
loose curls crawl down my shoulders and back
tickling my neck

afterwards i stare hard into the mirror
searching my own face
for someone i  could love
or at the very least live with

a fly, bloated, buzzes
trapped between the window and the curtain

i hear it bump against the glass
the wings crumple
the fly falls
landing unceremoniously on the windowsill

after a moment, the fly is once again airborne
returning to the window
to continue its exercise in futility

i lift my shoulders and hunch my back
don't look at me don't look at me don't look at me
walking faster, heart racing, i feel the presence getting closer
leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone
i break into a futile sprint

it's not as though i can speak
tell it to leave my sight
tell it i have nothing left for it to take
hope it believes me
while i shove the final page of my story deeper into my pocket

i know better than to lie to this thing
my legs are growing heavy as i try to outpace it
but it's no use
an experienced hunter, the creature waits for me to exhaust myself running from it, then moves in for the ****
at least there, i have the last laugh-
i have already died from fear

i freeze over
when i attempt to visualize giving myself
even an ounce of compassion

i would have to consider myself worthy
worthy of kindness
worthy of love
worthy of a home
worthy of life

i do not remember when i last felt i deserved compassion

it may have been when i was young
my foolish heart believed in the body for which it beat
until it broke
and broke
and broke

i am told i wear wisdom well
as if wisdom is a new coat that i tried on
instead of ancient scars under the fresh fabric

i did not choose
this

i plead with my reflection
even though we are both holding a knife
please
let me live
let me rest

but the villain lunges, slashing wildly, drawing blood
a hit
a palpable hit

i hold a shaky palmful of death
noting that it is surprisingly light

i swallow reflexively
feeling shocks through my hand

i could just do it
i could just do it right now and it would all be over

why don't i do it

my body, fighting to survive
my brain, begging to die
and i am no man's land

feeling small is sacred
when my head rests against Your warm chest
and i can hear Your heartbeat slow
as You begin to fall asleep in my arms

feeling small is sacred
when i feel Your lips against my forehead
Your warm hands cradling my face
Your smile against my cheek

feeling small is sacred
when i see Your eyes, illuminated by the warm morning sun coming in through Your bedroom window
not only the brilliant colors
but the depth of the soul within as well

feeling small is sacred
when i hear my own name in Your mouth
it sounds worthy of the warm love with which You pronounced it
and i almost want to ask You to say it again
just so i can hear it

when one is cared for
when one is held
when one is loved
the way You have me
feeling small is sacred

pale sickness
you're white as a sheet

draining illness
your clammy white skin
rots

deathly light
the diseased white sun will bleach your bones
after the doves pick them clean

sickly white
your cracked teeth clatter out of your skull
dominos in a dead white jar


trembling hands the color of spoiling milk
carefully cradle an almost translucent infant
mother and child
both far too weak to feed

the only thing that grows here is decay
white mold thrives on your hoarded white bread
while outside the safety of the white picket fence
there is not a single soul who does not
recognize the white of an unburied skeleton
under a full moon

the moon bares its jagged mouthful of tombstone teeth
but its fearsome snarl is lost to my eyes
for its sacrilegious white light cannot penetrate through the
looming canopy of gnarled old trees

i raise my rusted lantern high
green glass panels protect the flickering flame

glowing yellow eyes glare out, reflected in the rays of my lantern's light, but i do not fear or flee
i know now that beasts are ahead, in my path
and now that i am aware of their presence
they cannot ambush me from back the way i came

the howls echo through the mountains before me
the wolves expect an easy feast
but i will not be dinner

my hand around your throat
makes you melt against me
good boy
i purr
switch

your hand around my throat
makes my eyes flutter closed
and my mouth drop open
you release me and i open my eyes again
switch

all it takes this time is a look
i see your pupils dilate
and you open yourself to me once more
switch

when you bite my lip i can't bite back my moans
switch

you raise your arms above your head
switch

i love you
switch
i love you

bubbling, boiling, the ****** acid sizzles
my insides like water hissing as it turns to steam
helpless against the fury of a forest fire
it chars my throat,
tears springing to my eyes

i can taste the salt on my face
but all i see is red

mirthless laughter echoes
the way black coal smoke billows
from the smoke stacks of my
lungs

the searing heat of hatred
irritates the skin on my wrists
i scratch and scratch and scratch
until the skin is raw
until the skin is broken
until the skin hangs off the bone
i feel nothing but the rage

giving me strength
giving me focus
giving me calm

the lava rises, shrieking,
into my eyes,
pouring from my ears and nostrils,
seethes between my clenched teeth and sealed lips

my breathing
even, deep,
matches the rumble of the cracking earth

and from its core more fire comes
evaporating the tears on my cheeks
the blood on my arms
the rain from the very sky

last night, for what may have been the first time in what felt like centuries of me loving you,
i felt, in the base of my brain, barely perceptible but there nonetheless,
doubt.

it's presence alone would not have been as alarming if it had not been for you.
doubt, fear, rage have no place in the home we may never build
but love to dream about when we feel the most alone.

and yet there it was now.
and i sat there feeling doubt slowly spreading like cancer along my brainstem, and i wondered
how long it had been there but dormant.
how long it had been there waiting for the correct catalyst.

i wondered if i still knew every layer of you.
i wondered if i still had you memorized or if all i have learned is a lie.

would you ever lie to me again?
how would i know if you had?
why am i even asking myself these things?

in my mind's eye i crawled into your mouth,
searching inside of you for any trace of deception,
forcing myself to look,
and hating myself for looking.

when i awoke this morning, my hands were empty, and i do not know whether that was good news.
frankly, i am afraid to ask.

if i do not tend to my wounds they will become infected
inflamed, red, hot to the touch
rotting and dripping with pus

i know this, and still i let them fester
refusing to remove the soiled bandages because i know it will hurt
even though i am no stranger to pain

eventually the sickness will infect my blood
spread to the rest of my body and brain
maybe it will **** me
but i will not hold my breath

i have survived wounds like this before
i have the scars to prove it
i have no choice but to heal
and try again

you hold me under the water
until my lungs scream out for air
you know i cannot hold my breath forever,
don't you?

you hold me under the water
in a perverse baptism
the one i worship delivers me to death

you hold me under the water
one hand buried in my hair
the other firmly on my neck
i have no choice but to choke

you hold me under the water
and i do not struggle to break from your grip
you were always stronger than me
and a part of me has always wanted this

you hold me under the water
and fill my mouth with the sea
i swallow, even as i know
to drink is to die

you hold me under the water
gently, as a lover would
it won't be long now
before i become one with the ocean

i am aware that you are speaking to me
but i cannot hear you over the crashing of the waves
when your work is finished and you wade away
there will be no blood on your hands

the well is dry
i cannot collect water
i cannot sustain life

the river is swollen with toxic mud
i cannot cross to the other side
i cannot escape this

the grasslands have not seen rain in many years
the smallest spark could destroy this place
and i am awash in static

i sit under a long dead tree
and try to rest
and try to remain still

for to move is to cause a cataclysm
yet to remain stagnant is to cause my own demise

the wildlife that did not flee the drought have perished
the scavengers that came to pick apart the carcasses are gone as well

only i remain
the monarch of nothing
but bones and barren earth

i keep thinking that if i cut away enough layers of skin
i will reveal the one that has you hidden underneath and
scrub you out

it is a foolish notion
a false ambition
but one that i cannot seem to shake
one that, like you, i have been unable to sear
from my mind and from my heart

i am told that in time you will pass
but it takes seven years to shed my skin
and you have burrowed deep

i do not have that kind of time, i fear
and the longer you stay here
the deeper my discomfort

i cannot allow myself to believe
that our stars are aligned
i cannot allow myself the luxury of thinking
that the planets under which we were born
have destined us to orbit each other
i cannot allow
the spiders' threads we have cast over the years
to turn into webs, trapping each
for the other's future feast

but when i gaze skyward i feel your reach
when i look inward i see that you have taken up residence
and i wonder if i have done the same to you
though i dare not ask

i must imagine the physical distance between us
as locked doors
or brick walls
or boarded windows
impassible
barred
for my own protection and yours
but it is easier said than done

for when i hear your voice it feels as though my heart is shuddering back to life
from a dead sleep i was not aware it was in
and it frightens me
-more than i care
nor dare
to admit-
that it has always been this way

the more i try to turn my head
the more vividly you appear in my dreams
my peripheral vision, so to speak

even writing this, now, i fear what is to come

the starving child with filthy hands
reaches quietly towards me for anything i can give
knowing from experience that cries will fall on deaf ears

i turn my face away
refusing to feed the pathetic creature
because i want some semblance of superiority over something for once in my life

because when i was starving
not for food, but for something far more filling
i too was left wanting
and i need someone to feel that desperation too

because i want that child to learn as i did
that the world is a cruel place
and that you need to learn how to feed yourself
or perish in slow starvation

because when you give away all that you have
leaving nothing for yourself to gnaw upon
you are no better than the starving masses you serve
and death is far better than what you deserve

the child and i will starve together

i want desperately to believe that if i concentrate
hard enough
if i focus all of my will and thought
on you
so hard
that my blood boils and
spills over
if i dream of what i
want
from you enough times
i will manifest you

in a cloud of smoke from the candles i have lit
you will appear before me
at my door that i have opened for you
you will wait
i will let you in once again
you will remind me that this is not love
and i will nod
for it is impolite to speak
with your mouth full

like a winter wind you whisper through
the smallest imperfections in the
brick and mortar walls i’ve built around my heart

i didn’t even build windows or doors this time around
thinking it would keep this fortress
secure
safe
secluded

even so you’ve somehow managed to infiltrate
erode my defenses
penetrate
the tiniest pores in the brick and split them open, exposing me to the elements again

i shiver, unprotected and afraid
the salt still streaks my face from the last hurricane
the sword still at my side
too heavy now to lift against you
and even if it wasn’t
would it pierce you, or would i simply hurt myself again?

at any rate, you move too quickly for me to anticipate

the wind is too strong
now that my cliffside fortress is in ruins
my eyes water and it is far too difficult to predict your next move when all i can see is your wild eyes and feral smile

i don’t want to fight you
even if it means i will be undone
because i would rather be broken
than break you

my lips are coated in dust from centuries of silence
cobwebs lace between my eyelashes from decades of darkness
the spiders who made them have moved on or died long ago
the dead ones curled up
rigor mortis in my ears
my flesh decays
i no longer remember when the crows last came to feast
before the rotting began
i do, however, remember that i was once alive
and had been when i was buried here

i was taken from my home, wrenched from my bed in the middle of the night
by six hulking figures that wore my face
icy cold hands with vice like grips around my wrists, throat, and ankles dragged me through the dark and empty streets, silent but for my screams
they did not answer when i asked them what they wanted
they did not listen when i pleaded for my life

the sun was beginning to rise as we arrived at my tomb
they released me and i stood to face them
my back to the black entrance
i knew in my heart that i was meant never to feel the warmth of another day
they would not let me, and i was not strong enough to take them all on
knowing this, tears fell from my captors’ eyes and mine
i turned and walked inside, my final act of free will
the figures watched

time passed
hours turned to days, which began to fade, like my memory of colors
i have since lost track of time, having no light or method with which to keep it
i can only assume it has been a while, whatever that means

i have stopped wondering why i am here
the wondering without answers would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

again you tell me
that you love me
that you’ve always loved me
that we were meant to be

the third time is perhaps
the charm

my legs tremble
when i hear your voice
when you turn over and expose your belly
when you tell me how much you want me

i always forget what happens next
the pattern
the clarity daylight brings to you
and to me
without fail

you tell me what you said the last time
and the time before that
that i shouldn’t feel used
and i don’t know if that’s the word i would have chosen

i ask myself
what i do feel
what drives me to you each time
what pushes me back into this strange and dark dance

is it love?
is it fate?
is this doom or destiny?

do i even believe in such things?

do you?

i have no answers
for you or even for myself

all i know is the pull
you say you feel it too
yet you pull away again
just as you did before

and i know not what to do

sink your sharp white teeth deep
into my skin
i want to feel you break bone
warm blood gushing down your chin
as you **** the marrow out

"let me feed you,
let me give you life",
i whisper through the mangled mess
where my mouth used to be

your large, feral eyes fix upon mine
as you pause to chew another piece you've ripped from me
you tilt your head in curiosity
wondering why i do not scream

does it not hurt when you crack open my rib cage
to gnaw on my still beating heart?

it does

of course it does

but if it means you are nourished
if it means you may live
i would gladly suffer

so eat

eat

either until there is nothing left of me
or until you are full
and fall asleep by my carcass

i will not run from you
even if it means i may die by your hand
because i love you

i open my mouth
and You pour onto my tongue
rushing down my throat
spilling down my chin and chest

i lick my lips, swallowing quickly
drinking You down
as if i had been dying of thirst
gulping greedily
not wanting to waste a drop
draining You dry of what You
can no longer contain

my vessel
my chalice
You runneth over
and still i want more
and still i drink
and still You drip

i will never have my fill
i will never have enough
i am insatiable

as i fall to the earth
soft, warm, and wet from
the rain
you follow me there
tied to me with unseen
strings
neither of us certain
of who is under whose
control
neither of us caring
such is the nature of our
addiction
moonlight is a ******
staring hungrily
at my arched back
your strong arms
our points of connection
our bodies outlined in silver
the strings that bind us together coil
tighter
and tighter
leaving marks on
my wrists
on your back
around my neck
urging us closer and closer
your name catches in my throat
while my own name leaves
my brain
unnecessary information
lost to make space for
your fingers
and
your tongue

two stormy seas in which to dive
almost without a thought i do
and yet here you are in my ocean
deep enough to drown and even deeper still you plunge
you reach my sea floor and sink your fingers into soft sand, as yet untouched
i gasp, swallowing saltwater condensation on your skin
as you create waves
so close to cresting
so close to crashing against you
i need to breathe
i pull you up to the surface, soaked, treading water, waiting for the moment you can dive again
and lick the salt from
your lips

you are an open book to me
your eyes reveal pages of wisdom, pages of tenderness, pages of pure passion
i could read you cover to cover
over and over
i don’t dare dog ear your pages
crack your spine
highlight my favorite passages
for i do not own you
i want to memorize
every line that my fingers trace
every word that my tongue tastes
all of you
i could read you
cover to cover
over and over
every chapter leaves me wanting
more and more
and when i finally finish you
i will want nothing more
than to reread you
cover to cover
over and over
finding parts that i passed
delighting in every
printed
word
you are a marvel in literature
from your prologue
to your epilogue
and back again
even when i’m not reading all i can think about is
the next time i can
open you up
breathe you in
and consume your sweet story
cover to cover
over and over

heat overwhelms me
i say i know not what i do
and in part i speak truth

when for a short time
i see angels
before my own star collapses

i rise
as i alone guide my hand
catching my own breath

then winter comes
and a tide of reality crashes back down around me

i am still and yet shaken
whole and yet somehow unsatisfied

the coals inside me die down
extinguished temporarily
and i sleep

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written slid from the page to coat my skin like oil
my face flushed

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written stared at my mouth, waiting for me to speak
i could not answer

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written smoldered, blistering my hands
i could not hold you

no one had ever written a poem about me before
we were younger then, and
you've since written about many others
but

no one had ever written a poem about me before

my hands want to autocorrect to you

to change every word i've written to your name
to change every word i've spoken to your name
to change every word i've thought to your name

again, again, again

i wonder if i come unbidden to your thoughts like you do to mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of you
i wonder if i've visited you in your dreams like you have mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of me

again, again, again

i wonder if you'll ever read what i've written about you
i wonder if i'll ever tell you what i've thought about you
i wonder if the time will ever be right

again, again, again

i imagine us falling into each other, crashing, breaking, shattering
i imagine us laying together in our own fragments, water seeping through our cracks
i imagine us walking into the coldest part of the night to watch the sunrise

again, again, again

in theory
warmth on a warm day
shouldn't be what i want

but locked into you
holding on for dear life
while my toes barely
touch the floor
sweat is sweet

i hold the heat
my hands damp
my eyes wide for lack of light

if you are summer
melt the ice that lingers on my riverbed
guide the snowmelt down between my banks
i don't want to be cold anymore

i look for you in my arms
raised lines where i marked time's passage in shame
only bumps now
only scars
i look for you there and find no one
nothing

i look for you in the things you left in my room
a necklace
a pin
hard cold things that collect dust but not your scent
yours but forgotten

i look for you down the street
a parking lot
a place
empty now but for ash and debris

i lay here

my bed empty where it once held you
my heart empty where it once held you
my smile empty where it once held you

when i spoke
to you on
the phone today

i quaked when
i thought of
what you'd say

if i told
you i'd been
thinking this way



i wonder what
you would ever
think of me

if i had
read you a
poem i'd written (or three)

and let you
hear of the
creature we'd be



we would break
of your sweat
with many-toothed jaws

we would drip
of my blood
with skin-piercing claws

we would be
the perfect monster
flawless in flaws

i remember the very first time
you told me you loved me
it was too warm a night
and i could smell your sweat
under the scent of your clothes
a perfume or even a cologne

i didn't expect those three words
i just didn't see them form
i wanted to watch your mouth
but i was in your arms
and didn't feel your heart beating
empty words or ones with meaning

it's the split second before your ears register the sound of the smoke alarm
the splash in your heart when a car passes too close to you
the bracing in your body
the preparation for punishment
the silence before the scream
the tensing of everything inside you for however long it takes
hours
days
weeks
waiting, dreading, the unknown
the Bad Thing

dread reaches both hands into my throat
to take the air from my very lungs
my breath comes shorter and shorter and i fear for my life
i lay awake, wondering when my death will arrive
how soon
how soon
how soon

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pulls on the ends of my hair with unfeeling fingers
follows me just out of my line of sight but close enough for me to feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and raises its hackles like i'm someone it doesn't know
follows me far enough away that i sometimes forget it's there
but close enough for me to remember where it was
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pats my arm a little too hard like a drunk stranger
follows me like i'm its only way home and if it loses me it will be lost in an unfamiliar city at night
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

where he closes a door he opens a window
or so i am told
for every door closes, slams shut behind me
and turns into a wall

every wall solid, brick, concrete
impenetrable and grey
no cracks, nowhere to slip through and escape
i run my hands along the walls, feeling for a flaw
i find nothing but scraped palms

i hear voices on the other side
i hear people talking, praying

every voice muffled, muted, hushed
indistinguishable and grey
no words, nothing to slip through and help me understand
i scream and scratch against the walls hoping to be heard
i find nothing but raw psalms

i feel around for anything
a hammer, a chisel, a light switch
something to save me

but all i find are things i've thrown
plates, pillows, a shattered phone

the walls are closing in around me
they think i don't know that they're moving in each night
but i taste the closeness of the air each morning
and i know i don't have much time left

i don't have much time left

i am
just another stain
another ****** stain
on a shirt
on a bandage
dripping onto the floor
because no one caught it in time
another stain to wipe away

i am
just another mark
another ****** mark
on my bed
on my hands
dripping onto the floor
because it hurts to open my mouth
another mark that just won't scrub out

i am
just another cut
another ****** cut
on my arms
on my legs
dripping onto the floor
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing
another cut that won't heal right

look at me
listen to my breath
encircle my wrists
with the snare of your stare

travel down
trap my arms
make me shiver from heat of it
melt the snow in my hair

touch me
warm my heart with your hands
where your fingers pass
you make the goosebumps grow

light me up
make me aflame
where your lips pass
you know i am aglow

i fall apart where your fingernails dig into my
seams
i fall apart when your fingernails dig into my
dreams
we are sewn
together
we are coming
undone

i hunger for something i cannot ingest
not because i will choke on it
or because i am allergic to it
not because of its rarity
or because it is unethical to produce

but because
without having tasted it
i began to want it and crave it
without knowing its name
i began to dream about making and consuming it
without even knowing its ingredients
the longing for it began to consume me

i began to starve for its softness between my lips
its give between my bared teeth
its flavor on the tip of my tongue
the aftertaste of its broth in the hollow of my throat

i began to daydream about its weight in my stomach
making me feel comfortable full and yet unbloated
i would eat it for every meal and be satisfied
if i could just find it

at night i lay awake
close my eyes and lick my lips
trying to recall that heavenly taste
i cannot gain access to sleep until i remember it just right
and when i do i dream of devouring it

the thoughts devour me
my stomach caves in
and my ribs and hipbones poke through my
translucent skin
but i will not eat again
not until i found this food
that floods my starving brain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

losing phone tag, no reply
reread texts, heavy sigh

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

unlock, check, and lock again
the clouds outside are heavy with rain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

seconds, minutes, hours pass
hack through time with tempered glass

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

night fall, rain start
dully beating sluggish heart

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

a child's laughter lances through my monochrome morning
irritable grey flecked with the overjoyed oranges and greens of gaiety
paint that has always run off my canvas
though i beg for it to stain my skin

i scratch the sidewalk with the prescribed chalk i collect
taking tiny white and barely blue tablets to the asphalt
with heavy arms
drawing designs onto my brain
hoping it helps

but when the wind wails through the painted park
chalk is chased away by clouds of chaos
the dark dances in and sits between me and my mending

i watch families flee for shelter
i watch friends fight fires together
with heavy eyes
the chalk crumbles to powder in my hands

i seek solace inside
but there is nowhere to go
i can't hide from darkness when the sun has already set

i want you to rip into me without abandon
reach deep inside and
tear from my chest my still beating heart
do it
smash it between your jaws like some kind of ******* animal
while i watch, clutching at the empty, bleeding space you've left behind in my shattered rib cage
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want you to hold me tight
hold me close and
snap my neck
do it
make my head turn three hundred and sixty ******* degrees before my eyes turn skyward, and even then you keep turning, turning, turning until my head twists right off and showers your gorgeous face in my putrid blood
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want to be in your arms
all of me
all of the pieces i want you to cut from me
do it
separate me into sections with the sharpest knife you have
be precise, or don't be
just ******* chop me into bits
save my head for last
my mouth agape
in a perfect O