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Aug 29 · 130
silent fury
bubbling, boiling, the ****** acid sizzles
my insides like water hissing as it turns to steam
helpless against the fury of a forest fire
it chars my throat,
tears springing to my eyes

i can taste the salt on my face
but all i see is red

mirthless laughter echoes
the way black coal smoke billows
from the smoke stacks of my

the searing heat of hatred
irritates the skin on my wrists
i scratch and scratch and scratch
until the skin is raw
until the skin is broken
until the skin hangs off the bone
i feel nothing but the rage

giving me strength
giving me focus
giving me calm

the lava rises, shrieking,
into my eyes,
pouring from my ears and nostrils,
seethes between my clenched teeth and sealed lips

my breathing
even, deep,
matches the rumble of the cracking earth

and from its core more fire comes
evaporating the tears on my cheeks
the blood on my arms
the rain from the very sky
Aug 12 · 89
last night, for what may have been the first time in what felt like centuries of me loving you,
i felt, in the base of my brain, barely perceptible but there nonetheless,

it's presence alone would not have been as alarming if it had not been for you.
doubt, fear, rage have no place in the home we may never build
but love to dream about when we feel the most alone.

and yet there it was now.
and i sat there feeling doubt slowly spreading like cancer along my brainstem, and i wondered
how long it had been there but dormant.
how long it had been there waiting for the correct catalyst.

i wondered if i still knew every layer of you.
i wondered if i still had you memorized or if all i have learned is a lie.

would you ever lie to me again?
how would i know if you had?
why am i even asking myself these things?

in my mind's eye i crawled into your mouth,
searching inside of you for any trace of deception,
forcing myself to look,
and hating myself for looking.

when i awoke this morning, my hands were empty, and i do not know whether that was good news.
frankly, i am afraid to ask.
Jun 12 · 324
first aid
if i do not tend to my wounds they will become infected
inflamed, red, hot to the touch
rotting and dripping with pus

i know this, and still i let them fester
refusing to remove the soiled bandages because i know it will hurt
even though i am no stranger to pain

eventually the sickness will infect my blood
spread to the rest of my body and brain
maybe it will **** me
but i will not hold my breath

i have survived wounds like this before
i have the scars to prove it
i have no choice but to heal
and try again
May 5 · 412
cancer us
you hold me under the water
until my lungs scream out for air
you know i cannot hold my breath forever,
don't you?

you hold me under the water
in a perverse baptism
the one i worship delivers me to death

you hold me under the water
one hand buried in my hair
the other firmly on my neck
i have no choice but to choke

you hold me under the water
and i do not struggle to break from your grip
you were always stronger than me
and a part of me has always wanted this

you hold me under the water
and fill my mouth with the sea
i swallow, even as i know
to drink is to die

you hold me under the water
gently, as a lover would
it won't be long now
before i become one with the ocean

i am aware that you are speaking to me
but i cannot hear you over the crashing of the waves
when your work is finished and you wade away
there will be no blood on your hands
May 5 · 87
elephant graveyard
the well is dry
i cannot collect water
i cannot sustain life

the river is swollen with toxic mud
i cannot cross to the other side
i cannot escape this

the grasslands have not seen rain in many years
the smallest spark could destroy this place
and i am awash in static

i sit under a long dead tree
and try to rest
and try to remain still

for to move is to cause a cataclysm
yet to remain stagnant is to cause my own demise

the wildlife that did not flee the drought have perished
the scavengers that came to pick apart the carcasses are gone as well

only i remain
the monarch of nothing
but bones and barren earth
Apr 30 · 117
scrub you out
i keep thinking that if i cut away enough layers of skin
i will reveal the one that has you hidden underneath and
scrub you out

it is a foolish notion
a false ambition
but one that i cannot seem to shake
one that, like you, i have been unable to sear
from my mind and from my heart

i am told that in time you will pass
but it takes seven years to shed my skin
and you have burrowed deep

i do not have that kind of time, i fear
and the longer you stay here
the deeper my discomfort
Apr 30 · 67
i cannot allow myself to believe
that our stars are aligned
i cannot allow myself the luxury of thinking
that the planets under which we were born
have destined us to orbit each other
i cannot allow
the spiders' threads we have cast over the years
to turn into webs, trapping each
for the other's future feast

but when i gaze skyward i feel your reach
when i look inward i see that you have taken up residence
and i wonder if i have done the same to you
though i dare not ask

i must imagine the physical distance between us
as locked doors
or brick walls
or boarded windows
for my own protection and yours
but it is easier said than done

for when i hear your voice it feels as though my heart is shuddering back to life
from a dead sleep i was not aware it was in
and it frightens me
-more than i care
nor dare
to admit-
that it has always been this way

the more i try to turn my head
the more vividly you appear in my dreams
my peripheral vision, so to speak

even writing this, now, i fear what is to come
Nov 2020 · 145
the starving child with filthy hands
reaches quietly towards me for anything i can give
knowing from experience that cries will fall on deaf ears

i turn my face away
refusing to feed the pathetic creature
because i want some semblance of superiority over something for once in my life

because when i was starving
not for food, but for something far more filling
i too was left wanting
and i need someone to feel that desperation too

because i want that child to learn as i did
that the world is a cruel place
and that you need to learn how to feed yourself
or perish in slow starvation

because when you give away all that you have
leaving nothing for yourself to gnaw upon
you are no better than the starving masses you serve
and death is far better than what you deserve

the child and i will starve together
Nov 2020 · 224
manifest you
i want desperately to believe that if i concentrate
hard enough
if i focus all of my will and thought
on you
so hard
that my blood boils and
spills over
if i dream of what i
from you enough times
i will manifest you

in a cloud of smoke from the candles i have lit
you will appear before me
at my door that i have opened for you
you will wait
i will let you in once again
you will remind me that this is not love
and i will nod
for it is impolite to speak
with your mouth full
Nov 2020 · 237
like a winter wind you whisper through
the smallest imperfections in the
brick and mortar walls i’ve built around my heart

i didn’t even build windows or doors this time around
thinking it would keep this fortress

even so you’ve somehow managed to infiltrate
erode my defenses
the tiniest pores in the brick and split them open, exposing me to the elements again

i shiver, unprotected and afraid
the salt still streaks my face from the last hurricane
the sword still at my side
too heavy now to lift against you
and even if it wasn’t
would it pierce you, or would i simply hurt myself again?

at any rate, you move too quickly for me to anticipate

the wind is too strong
now that my cliffside fortress is in ruins
my eyes water and it is far too difficult to predict your next move when all i can see is your wild eyes and feral smile

i don’t want to fight you
even if it means i will be undone
because i would rather be broken
than break you
for mur
Nov 2020 · 117
my lips are coated in dust from centuries of silence
cobwebs lace between my eyelashes from decades of darkness
the spiders who made them have moved on or died long ago
the dead ones curled up
rigor mortis in my ears
my flesh decays
i no longer remember when the crows last came to feast
before the rotting began
i do, however, remember that i was once alive
and had been when i was buried here

i was taken from my home, wrenched from my bed in the middle of the night
by six hulking figures that wore my face
icy cold hands with vice like grips around my wrists, throat, and ankles dragged me through the dark and empty streets, silent but for my screams
they did not answer when i asked them what they wanted
they did not listen when i pleaded for my life

the sun was beginning to rise as we arrived at my tomb
they released me and i stood to face them
my back to the black entrance
i knew in my heart that i was meant never to feel the warmth of another day
they would not let me, and i was not strong enough to take them all on
knowing this, tears fell from my captors’ eyes and mine
i turned and walked inside, my final act of free will
the figures watched

time passed
hours turned to days, which began to fade, like my memory of colors
i have since lost track of time, having no light or method with which to keep it
i can only assume it has been a while, whatever that means

i have stopped wondering why i am here
the wondering without answers would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad
Jul 2020 · 120
What Do You Want
again you tell me
that you love me
that you’ve always loved me
that we were meant to be

the third time is perhaps
the charm

my legs tremble
when i hear your voice
when you turn over and expose your belly
when you tell me how much you want me

i always forget what happens next
the pattern
the clarity daylight brings to you
and to me
without fail

you tell me what you said the last time
and the time before that
that i shouldn’t feel used
and i don’t know if that’s the word i would have chosen

i ask myself
what i do feel
what drives me to you each time
what pushes me back into this strange and dark dance

is it love?
is it fate?
is this doom or destiny?

do i even believe in such things?

do you?

i have no answers
for you or even for myself

all i know is the pull
you say you feel it too
yet you pull away again
just as you did before

and i know not what to do
Jul 2020 · 81
sink your sharp white teeth deep
into my skin
i want to feel you break bone
warm blood gushing down your chin
as you **** the marrow out

"let me feed you,
let me give you life",
i whisper through the mangled mess
where my mouth used to be

your large, feral eyes fix upon mine
as you pause to chew another piece you've ripped from me
you tilt your head in curiosity
wondering why i do not scream

does it not hurt when you crack open my rib cage
to gnaw on my still beating heart?

it does

of course it does

but if it means you are nourished
if it means you may live
i would gladly suffer

so eat


either until there is nothing left of me
or until you are full
and fall asleep by my carcass

i will not run from you
even if it means i may die by your hand
because i love you
Jul 2020 · 282
i open my mouth
and You pour onto my tongue
rushing down my throat
spilling down my chin and chest

i lick my lips, swallowing quickly
drinking You down
as if i had been dying of thirst
gulping greedily
not wanting to waste a drop
draining You dry of what You
can no longer contain

my vessel
my chalice
You runneth over
and still i want more
and still i drink
and still You drip

i will never have my fill
i will never have enough
i am insatiable
Oct 2019 · 97
as i fall to the earth
soft, warm, and wet from
the rain
you follow me there
tied to me with unseen
neither of us certain
of who is under whose
neither of us caring
such is the nature of our
moonlight is a ******
staring hungrily
at my arched back
your strong arms
our points of connection
our bodies outlined in silver
the strings that bind us together coil
and tighter
leaving marks on
my wrists
on your back
around my neck
urging us closer and closer
your name catches in my throat
while my own name leaves
my brain
unnecessary information
lost to make space for
your fingers
your tongue
Oct 2019 · 101
two stormy seas in which to dive
almost without a thought i do
and yet here you are in my ocean
deep enough to drown and even deeper still you plunge
you reach my sea floor and sink your fingers into soft sand, as yet untouched
i gasp, swallowing saltwater condensation on your skin
as you create waves
so close to cresting
so close to crashing against you
i need to breathe
i pull you up to the surface, soaked, treading water, waiting for the moment you can dive again
and lick the salt from
your lips
Oct 2019 · 162
Do So
you are an open book to me
your eyes reveal pages of wisdom, pages of tenderness, pages of pure passion
i could read you cover to cover
over and over
i don’t dare dog ear your pages
crack your spine
highlight my favorite passages
for i do not own you
i want to memorize
every line that my fingers trace
every word that my tongue tastes
all of you
i could read you
cover to cover
over and over
every chapter leaves me wanting
more and more
and when i finally finish you
i will want nothing more
than to reread you
cover to cover
over and over
finding parts that i passed
delighting in every
you are a marvel in literature
from your prologue
to your epilogue
and back again
even when i’m not reading all i can think about is
the next time i can
open you up
breathe you in
and consume your sweet story
cover to cover
over and over
Mar 2019 · 106
10, sometimes less
heat overwhelms me
i say i know not what i do
and in part i speak truth

when for a short time
i see angels
before my own star collapses

i rise
as i alone guide my hand
catching my own breath

then winter comes
and a tide of reality crashes back down around me

i am still and yet shaken
whole and yet somehow unsatisfied

the coals inside me die down
extinguished temporarily
and i sleep
no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written slid from the page to coat my skin like oil
my face flushed

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written stared at my mouth, waiting for me to speak
i could not answer

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written smoldered, blistering my hands
i could not hold you

no one had ever written a poem about me before
we were younger then, and
you've since written about many others

no one had ever written a poem about me before
i still have much to learn
Nov 2018 · 294
my hands want to autocorrect to you

to change every word i've written to your name
to change every word i've spoken to your name
to change every word i've thought to your name

again, again, again

i wonder if i come unbidden to your thoughts like you do to mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of you
i wonder if i've visited you in your dreams like you have mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of me

again, again, again

i wonder if you'll ever read what i've written about you
i wonder if i'll ever tell you what i've thought about you
i wonder if the time will ever be right

again, again, again

i imagine us falling into each other, crashing, breaking, shattering
i imagine us laying together in our own fragments, water seeping through our cracks
i imagine us walking into the coldest part of the night to watch the sunrise

again, again, again
Do not become addicted to water. It will take hold of you, and you will resent its absence.
Jun 2018 · 391
in theory
warmth on a warm day
shouldn't be what i want

but locked into you
holding on for dear life
while my toes barely
touch the floor
sweat is sweet

i hold the heat
my hands damp
my eyes wide for lack of light

if you are summer
melt the ice that lingers on my riverbed
guide the snowmelt down between my banks
i don't want to be cold anymore
May 2018 · 390
i look for you in my arms
raised lines where i marked time's passage in shame
only bumps now
only scars
i look for you there and find no one

i look for you in the things you left in my room
a necklace
a pin
hard cold things that collect dust but not your scent
yours but forgotten

i look for you down the street
a parking lot
a place
empty now but for ash and debris

i lay here

my bed empty where it once held you
my heart empty where it once held you
my smile empty where it once held you
May 2018 · 291
three by three by three
when i spoke
to you on
the phone today

i quaked when
i thought of
what you'd say

if i told
you i'd been
thinking this way

i wonder what
you would ever
think of me

if i had
read you a
poem i'd written (or three)

and let you
hear of the
creature we'd be

we would break
of your sweat
with many-toothed jaws

we would drip
of my blood
with skin-piercing claws

we would be
the perfect monster
flawless in flaws
three words per line, three lines per stanza, three stanzas
Apr 2018 · 424
six by six
i remember the very first time
you told me you loved me
it was too warm a night
and i could smell your sweat
under the scent of your clothes
a perfume or even a cologne

i didn't expect those three words
i just didn't see them form
i wanted to watch your mouth
but i was in your arms
and didn't feel your heart beating
empty words or ones with meaning
six words per line
six lines per stanza
you told me to follow my heart
Apr 2018 · 159
it's the split second before your ears register the sound of the smoke alarm
the splash in your heart when a car passes too close to you
the bracing in your body
the preparation for punishment
the silence before the scream
the tensing of everything inside you for however long it takes
waiting, dreading, the unknown
the Bad Thing
Apr 2018 · 199
dread reaches both hands into my throat
to take the air from my very lungs
my breath comes shorter and shorter and i fear for my life
i lay awake, wondering when my death will arrive
how soon
how soon
how soon
Apr 2018 · 247
anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pulls on the ends of my hair with unfeeling fingers
follows me just out of my line of sight but close enough for me to feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and raises its hackles like i'm someone it doesn't know
follows me far enough away that i sometimes forget it's there
but close enough for me to remember where it was
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pats my arm a little too hard like a drunk stranger
follows me like i'm its only way home and if it loses me it will be lost in an unfamiliar city at night
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?
Apr 2018 · 327
where he closes a door he opens a window
or so i am told
for every door closes, slams shut behind me
and turns into a wall

every wall solid, brick, concrete
impenetrable and grey
no cracks, nowhere to slip through and escape
i run my hands along the walls, feeling for a flaw
i find nothing but scraped palms

i hear voices on the other side
i hear people talking, praying

every voice muffled, muted, hushed
indistinguishable and grey
no words, nothing to slip through and help me understand
i scream and scratch against the walls hoping to be heard
i find nothing but raw psalms

i feel around for anything
a hammer, a chisel, a light switch
something to save me

but all i find are things i've thrown
plates, pillows, a shattered phone

the walls are closing in around me
they think i don't know that they're moving in each night
but i taste the closeness of the air each morning
and i know i don't have much time left

i don't have much time left
Mar 2018 · 354
i am just another
i am
just another stain
another ****** stain
on a shirt
on a bandage
dripping onto the floor
because no one caught it in time
another stain to wipe away

i am
just another mark
another ****** mark
on my bed
on my hands
dripping onto the floor
because it hurts to open my mouth
another mark that just won't scrub out

i am
just another cut
another ****** cut
on my arms
on my legs
dripping onto the floor
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing
another cut that won't heal right
Mar 2018 · 281
look at me
listen to my breath
encircle my wrists
with the snare of your stare

travel down
trap my arms
make me shiver from heat of it
melt the snow in my hair

touch me
warm my heart with your hands
where your fingers pass
you make the goosebumps grow

light me up
make me aflame
where your lips pass
you know i am aglow

i fall apart where your fingernails dig into my
i fall apart when your fingernails dig into my
we are sewn
we are coming
Mar 2018 · 225
show me again
your eyes, winter windows
your laughter, easy echoes
burn me with your gaze of fire
drown me like a tide of stars

may you eat of my heart
may you drink of my blood
scrape your teeth across my skin
drag your tongue across my scars

tell me who i am to you
let words spill into my mouth
soak into my burning body
sear into my ashen brain

let me taste your bittersweetness
as i let you drink my own
ache for me and i will touch you
let my fingers fall like rain

let me hear of how you starve
as my stomach caves in too
let me hear how much you want me
let me see it in your soul

where were we without the other?
we will whisper every night
let it echo our stomachs
let us hold the reddened coal
i want to rush through your veins
the way i feel you course inside my own
Mar 2018 · 271
i hunger for something i cannot ingest
not because i will choke on it
or because i am allergic to it
not because of its rarity
or because it is unethical to produce

but because
without having tasted it
i began to want it and crave it
without knowing its name
i began to dream about making and consuming it
without even knowing its ingredients
the longing for it began to consume me

i began to starve for its softness between my lips
its give between my bared teeth
its flavor on the tip of my tongue
the aftertaste of its broth in the hollow of my throat

i began to daydream about its weight in my stomach
making me feel comfortable full and yet unbloated
i would eat it for every meal and be satisfied
if i could just find it

at night i lay awake
close my eyes and lick my lips
trying to recall that heavenly taste
i cannot gain access to sleep until i remember it just right
and when i do i dream of devouring it

the thoughts devour me
my stomach caves in
and my ribs and hipbones poke through my
translucent skin
but i will not eat again
not until i found this food
that floods my starving brain
Mar 2018 · 319
when plans fall through
blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

losing phone tag, no reply
reread texts, heavy sigh

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

unlock, check, and lock again
the clouds outside are heavy with rain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

seconds, minutes, hours pass
hack through time with tempered glass

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

night fall, rain start
dully beating sluggish heart

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare
when plans fall through
i wonder what i did to you
Mar 2018 · 310
a child's laughter lances through my monochrome morning
irritable grey flecked with the overjoyed oranges and greens of gaiety
paint that has always run off my canvas
though i beg for it to stain my skin

i scratch the sidewalk with the prescribed chalk i collect
taking tiny white and barely blue tablets to the asphalt
with heavy arms
drawing designs onto my brain
hoping it helps

but when the wind wails through the painted park
chalk is chased away by clouds of chaos
the dark dances in and sits between me and my mending

i watch families flee for shelter
i watch friends fight fires together
with heavy eyes
the chalk crumbles to powder in my hands

i seek solace inside
but there is nowhere to go
i can't hide from darkness when the sun has already set
if the month starts on a sunday, then there will be a friday the thirteenth
Jan 2018 · 216
the Return
returning to familiar ground
is, at this point,
never pleasant
or at least it isn't now

faces i hoped never to see again
smells i can only pick up there
sounds that attack my ears, unique to this space
it's all coming back to me now

jagged edges of the lights
the colors
the voices
ripping me apart each day

the same mechanical words rise like bile in my throat
burning ***** fills my mouth, escaping through my nose unbidden
the same mechanical words, once thought purged from me
leave me uneasy

my mind is crying out
not again
not again
and i'm meant to smile and be joyful

i must be grateful for the friends i don't deserve
love i don't cherish with my whole heart
spaces and feelings that will never be mine
family, torn asunder from within and scattered to the winds

am i meant to believe that things will get better from here?
Jan 2018 · 211
finish me
i want you to rip into me without abandon
reach deep inside and
tear from my chest my still beating heart
do it
smash it between your jaws like some kind of ******* animal
while i watch, clutching at the empty, bleeding space you've left behind in my shattered rib cage
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want you to hold me tight
hold me close and
snap my neck
do it
make my head turn three hundred and sixty ******* degrees before my eyes turn skyward, and even then you keep turning, turning, turning until my head twists right off and showers your gorgeous face in my putrid blood
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want to be in your arms
all of me
all of the pieces i want you to cut from me
do it
separate me into sections with the sharpest knife you have
be precise, or don't be
just ******* chop me into bits
save my head for last
my mouth agape
in a perfect O
i can't sit still
i can't lay down
i can't sleep

there is no time for rest
there is no time for play
there is no time

there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do

what i've done is not good enough
what i've done is not enough

i have to do more
i'm so tired but i have to do more

no sleeping
i'll sleep when i've done what i must do

i don't know what i must do
but i know i have to do it
whatever it is
and then i'll be content, right?

Jan 2018 · 378
to treat you with anything other than the utmost kindness and love
is, in my eyes
the worst thing i could possibly do

i lash out at you in my mind
in speech it translates into slight annoyance
and even this is unacceptable

i walk on my own eggshells
i police my thoughts and language
if i say anything to hurt you i repeat it tenfold to myself

my dreams betray me
my thoughts betray me
you would never do such a thing to me

my thoughts of you
how dare they sour?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

my dreams of someone else
how dare they continue?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

the anger rises
not in you, but in myself
though it slips out of every crack that i can't cover

i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you

i want to hold you until my arms hurt
i want to protect you until you decide
i want to be with you forever

i want that to be enough
Jan 2018 · 297
you stopped your departure to embrace me
your head touched my shoulder
i sighed and then
your face (warm)
turned inward
your nose (cold)
touching my neck (hot)

there we remained for what seemed like
the time it takes for ice to boil (twelve to thirteen minutes)
though it couldn't have been more than
the time it takes for butter to melt (thirty to forty-five seconds)

i breathed you in, faster now
your heartbeat (slow)
steady against mine (racing)
we both saw stars, though i can only say
mine were of a different nature

then you left
the night was dark again until i came home
(still seeing stars until dawn, five hours later)
Dec 2017 · 252
on the way home from home i saw
a cat
on the island between the two stretches of road
frantically looking at the cars charging by
wondering what was less dangerous to do

stay and wait and starve and die
go and swerve and crash and die
stay and die
go and die
death waits for him more patient than a saint

fur whipped by the wind
eyes wide and black as the approaching night
fear pressing in through the window as i passed

i could have helped him
i could have saved him
i could have loved him
inaction killed him
Dec 2017 · 256
stairs and ladders
i am yours
whether or not you are near me
i am yours
whether or not you touch me
i am yours
i am yours

your voices ring in my ear
bells and gongs
you are a feast to my starving eyes
curves and edges
your touch consumes me
soft and sharp

i am alive when i am with you

come to me
come with me

you are
and are not

sleep carries you to me in my dreams
waking carries me to you in my thoughts

you stay with me even when you're gone
in memory of past interactions
what i said
how you laughed so easily
the way you looked at me
the way you looked at me
your eyes
blue, so blue
blue, but grey when you're sick
i know you
Aug 2017 · 469
i walk into a room
where you wait
and turn my gaze to you
your gentle heart shudders loudly enough for me to feel it in my own chest
then falls to your knees before my mouth even opens

i look into you
a tigress locked onto her prey

your eyes drop to my lips as i smile
and you mimic the movement
you show me your teeth
you open to me

i pick up your pulse
racing in your tilted neck
i'm doing this to you, my mind reminds me coolly, and my grin widens cruelly

my hand hovers above you
your body blushes where i pass
words wander from your throat to your mouth

when i touch you the barrier breaks and rivers rush forth from your lips
and the sound is my music
i dance to its frantic rhythm

only when words lose their meaning
and your eyes turn toward the heaven from which they were created
and blasphemous prayers pour from your tongue
will i let you be still
Aug 2017 · 352
conversion of saul
i always pour one out for you,
and think of you as i always do.
i call you to me,
and you show up easily.
i tell you how i miss you so,
and you always say "i know."
i say "you don't know who you left behind,
and you're always on my mind."
you are silent. i am still.
you'll speak next; i know you will.
we sit quietly staring at the sky
watching clouds, planes, and satellites pass by.
tonight is different; i'm not sure how...
i turn and you're gone; i ask you "why now?
i have so many questions only you can explain
but you're fine forever and i've gone insane."
i sit alone with my thoughts for a while,
missing your laugh and missing your smile,
hating myself for not letting you go,
swaying in the night breeze, to and fro.
for collin
Jul 2017 · 432
slow burn
come dawn
i am still awake
the fan and open windows
do nothing to cool my burning body

the summer sun set many hours ago
but the heat remains
sweat pools in my hands
and falls from my face
onto my sheets, leaving ghosts of stains

last night
we sat on the steps by the dumpsters and talked about how we couldn't remember what it was like to feel safe in our own homes

last week
we drank hot coffee on a 97 degree day and talked about how hard it was to talk to others and how easy it was to talk to each other

last month
i wasn't thinking about you like this

come sunrise
i am still awake
i've been thinking about this for too long with no change. i need to talk to you and i know what i want to say but your answer is an unknown that i fear.
Jul 2017 · 489
killed the cat
i wish for--
i want--
it's a curiosity i can't crush
it's a ******* tongue has never met
yet it lingers on my mouth like a memory
my mind melts on the thought
sizzling, singed, scorched
the words i want washed out
bubble to the surface of my throat
but i am gagged
and you are blind


sounds settle
the moment passes
i am certain sleep will solve this
as i lie awake until sunrise
the thought taunts
your voice summons words i have never heard you speak
i am haunted
i shouldn't be feeling this
i shouldn't be wanting this
Jan 2017 · 588
bay by day
waking caked in ash from a slowly crumbling world
i reach out
our hands touch
folding together neatly like they've always done
my chin fits comfortably in the curve of your neck
you turn over to face me and
your kiss drains the sadness of the night from my bones
the weight on my chest lifts as a tide drawing away
i search your eyes
and in the clear blue sky before me is only purity
only calm
seven months at sea and the wind is in our sails
Aug 2016 · 326
the woods
thinner than air
thicker than the tide of sleep

wonder and want

it lines your silhouette
moonlight makes your skin glow
dawn hurries to meet us
and your eyes are sunrise

i hear it pass from your lips
and slip through my fingers
your murmured assent
humming to the rhythm of the fan's rotation
and your heartbeat, your breath

it coats my tongue
your teeth
our throats
i can't get enough of the taste

our noses meet
our breaths mingle

your hands
in my hair,
your mouth
on my neck

a feeling floods me and as i drown all i can do is reach for you
Mar 2016 · 682
Nil (seen at 9:03)
when she lays claim to you
(as only she can-
quickly, quietly, and through you)
she approaches me as an afterthought,
as if the damage done can be repaired
by this self satisfactory spewage,

as if the rising rage can be appeased
by convenient confession,

as if that would make me not want to knock the simpering smile from her ******* face,

as if.

looking at you is my least favorite game.
you smile and nod in my direction and i wonder if you can hear my chest cave in like a condemned house every time i hear you laugh.

was this expected? yes.
but it still aches nonetheless.
we were never best friends. but any closeness that she and i built over the last few years crumbled into ash the moment she told me "I liked him first. "
Feb 2016 · 383
i saw a woman the other day
whose wild strawberry blond hair reminded me of yours
my speech stammered to a halt
my eyes glazed over and were cast down

almost six months have passed since you did
i think of the night that fell upon you
hungry and rabid
and i know that for me it is yet dusk
Feb 2016 · 903
my mouth mechanically moves
i wonder how many times i have said the same sentence in the last half hour
as those recycled, rearranged letters
squeak, tired, from the middle of my throat
a laugh, fake, tense, comes from my nose
as i feel what little soul there was in me to begin with
this can't be it
this can't be all there is
the helpless thoughts slide sluggishly by
what is the point of surviving so much
when this is all i have to look forward to?
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