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Jan 2018 · 412
why am i sitting and writing this when i could be doing what i'm supposed to be doing?
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018
why am i sitting and writing this when i could be doing what i'm supposed to be doing?
i can't sit still
i can't lay down
i can't sleep

there is no time for rest
there is no time for play
there is no time

there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do
there is so much i must do

what i've done is not good enough
what i've done is not enough

i have to do more
i'm so tired but i have to do more

no sleeping
i'll sleep when i've done what i must do

i don't know what i must do
but i know i have to do it
whatever it is
and then i'll be content, right?
right?





right?
#anxiety #cabin #fever #stuck #work #unhappy
Continue reading...
Jan 2018 · 426
enough
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018
enough
to treat you with anything other than the utmost kindness and love
is, in my eyes
the worst thing i could possibly do

i lash out at you in my mind
in speech it translates into slight annoyance
and even this is unacceptable

i walk on my own eggshells
i police my thoughts and language
if i say anything to hurt you i repeat it tenfold to myself

my dreams betray me
my thoughts betray me
you would never do such a thing to me

my thoughts of you
how dare they sour?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

my dreams of someone else
how dare they continue?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

the anger rises
not in you, but in myself
though it slips out of every crack that i can't cover

i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you

i want to hold you until my arms hurt
i want to protect you until you decide
i want to be with you forever

i want that to be enough
#turmoil #love #enough #commitment #desire #cruelty
Continue reading...
Jan 2018 · 318
Two
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2018
Two
you stopped your departure to embrace me
your head touched my shoulder
i sighed and then
your face (warm)
turned inward
your nose (cold)
touching my neck (hot)

there we remained for what seemed like
the time it takes for ice to boil (twelve to thirteen minutes)
though it couldn't have been more than
the time it takes for butter to melt (thirty to forty-five seconds)

i breathed you in, faster now
your heartbeat (slow)
steady against mine (racing)
we both saw stars, though i can only say
mine were of a different nature

then you left
the night was dark again until i came home
(still seeing stars until dawn, five hours later)
#parentheses #lust #latenight #stars
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 290
101
Cain Arkay Lazarus Dec 2017
101
on the way home from home i saw
a cat
trapped
on the island between the two stretches of road
trapped
frantically looking at the cars charging by
trapped
wondering what was less dangerous to do

stay and wait and starve and die
go and swerve and crash and die
stay and die
go and die
death waits for him more patient than a saint

fur whipped by the wind
eyes wide and black as the approaching night
fear pressing in through the window as i passed

i could have helped him
i could have saved him
i could have loved him
inaction killed him
#death #loss #grief #indecision #animals #love
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 278
stairs and ladders
Cain Arkay Lazarus Dec 2017
stairs and ladders
i am yours
whether or not you are near me
i am yours
whether or not you touch me
i am yours
unconsciously
i am yours
subconsciously

your voices ring in my ear
bells and gongs
you are a feast to my starving eyes
curves and edges
your touch consumes me
soft and sharp

i am alive when i am with you

come to me
come with me

you are
and are not
mine

sleep carries you to me in my dreams
waking carries me to you in my thoughts

you stay with me even when you're gone
in memory of past interactions
what i said
how you laughed so easily
the way you looked at me
the way you looked at me
your eyes
blue, so blue
blue, but grey when you're sick
i know you
#love #lust
Continue reading...
Aug 2017 · 512
bite
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2017
bite
i walk into a room
where you wait
and turn my gaze to you
your gentle heart shudders loudly enough for me to feel it in my own chest
then falls to your knees before my mouth even opens

i look into you
unwavering
unrepentant
a tigress locked onto her prey

your eyes drop to my lips as i smile
and you mimic the movement
you show me your teeth
you open to me

i pick up your pulse
racing in your tilted neck
i'm doing this to you, my mind reminds me coolly, and my grin widens cruelly

my hand hovers above you
your body blushes where i pass
words wander from your throat to your mouth
dripping
dammed

when i touch you the barrier breaks and rivers rush forth from your lips
and the sound is my music
i dance to its frantic rhythm

only when words lose their meaning
and your eyes turn toward the heaven from which they were created
and blasphemous prayers pour from your tongue
will i let you be still
#lust
Continue reading...
Aug 2017 · 384
conversion of saul
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2017
conversion of saul
i always pour one out for you,
and think of you as i always do.
i call you to me,
and you show up easily.
i tell you how i miss you so,
and you always say "i know."
i say "you don't know who you left behind,
and you're always on my mind."
you are silent. i am still.
you'll speak next; i know you will.
we sit quietly staring at the sky
watching clouds, planes, and satellites pass by.
tonight is different; i'm not sure how...
i turn and you're gone; i ask you "why now?
i have so many questions only you can explain
but you're fine forever and i've gone insane."
i sit alone with my thoughts for a while,
missing your laugh and missing your smile,
hating myself for not letting you go,
swaying in the night breeze, to and fro.
for collin
#death #grief #loss #rip #mourning
Continue reading...
Jul 2017 · 451
slow burn
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jul 2017
slow burn
come dawn
i am still awake
the fan and open windows
do nothing to cool my burning body

the summer sun set many hours ago
but the heat remains
sweat pools in my hands
and falls from my face
onto my sheets, leaving ghosts of stains

last night
we sat on the steps by the dumpsters and talked about how we couldn't remember what it was like to feel safe in our own homes

last week
we drank hot coffee on a 97 degree day and talked about how hard it was to talk to others and how easy it was to talk to each other

last month
i wasn't thinking about you like this

come sunrise
i am still awake
i've been thinking about this for too long with no change. i need to talk to you and i know what i want to say but your answer is an unknown that i fear.
#lust
Continue reading...
Jul 2017 · 498
killed the cat
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jul 2017
killed the cat
i wish for--
i want--
wisdom
it's a curiosity i can't crush
it's a ******* tongue has never met
yet it lingers on my mouth like a memory
my mind melts on the thought
sizzling, singed, scorched
the words i want washed out
bubble to the surface of my throat
but i am gagged
and you are blind
bound
beautiful

B R E A T H E

sounds settle
the moment passes
i am certain sleep will solve this
as i lie awake until sunrise
the thought taunts
your voice summons words i have never heard you speak
i am haunted
i shouldn't be feeling this
i shouldn't be wanting this
#lust
Continue reading...
Jan 2017 · 617
bay by day
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2017
bay by day
waking caked in ash from a slowly crumbling world
i reach out
our hands touch
folding together neatly like they've always done
my chin fits comfortably in the curve of your neck
you turn over to face me and
your kiss drains the sadness of the night from my bones
the weight on my chest lifts as a tide drawing away
i search your eyes
and in the clear blue sky before me is only purity
only calm
seven months at sea and the wind is in our sails
#love
Continue reading...
Aug 2016 · 343
the woods
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2016
the woods
thinner than air
thicker than the tide of sleep

wonder and want

it lines your silhouette
moonlight makes your skin glow
dawn hurries to meet us
and your eyes are sunrise

i hear it pass from your lips
and slip through my fingers
your murmured assent
humming to the rhythm of the fan's rotation
clockwise
and your heartbeat, your breath
faster

it coats my tongue
your teeth
our throats
i can't get enough of the taste

our noses meet
our breaths mingle

your hands
in my hair,
your mouth
on my neck

a feeling floods me and as i drown all i can do is reach for you
#love #lust
Continue reading...
Mar 2016 · 728
Nil (seen at 9:03)
Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2016
Nil (seen at 9:03)
when she lays claim to you
(as only she can-
quickly, quietly, and through you)
she approaches me as an afterthought,
as if the damage done can be repaired
by this self satisfactory spewage,

as if the rising rage can be appeased
by convenient confession,

as if that would make me not want to knock the simpering smile from her ******* face,

as if.

looking at you is my least favorite game.
you smile and nod in my direction and i wonder if you can hear my chest cave in like a condemned house every time i hear you laugh.

was this expected? yes.
but it still aches nonetheless.
we were never best friends. but any closeness that she and i built over the last few years crumbled into ash the moment she told me "I liked him first. "
#love #anger #unrequited #jealousy #dibs
Continue reading...
Feb 2016 · 440
P(2)
Cain Arkay Lazarus Feb 2016
P(2)
i saw a woman the other day
whose wild strawberry blond hair reminded me of yours
my speech stammered to a halt
my eyes glazed over and were cast down

almost six months have passed since you did
i think of the night that fell upon you
hungry and rabid
and i know that for me it is yet dusk
#suicide #death #grief
Continue reading...
Feb 2016 · 974
monday
Cain Arkay Lazarus Feb 2016
monday
my mouth mechanically moves
wouldyoulikeabaghereisyourreceiptthankyousomuchforcominginh­aveaniceday
i wonder how many times i have said the same sentence in the last half hour
as those recycled, rearranged letters
squeak, tired, from the middle of my throat
a laugh, fake, tense, comes from my nose
as i feel what little soul there was in me to begin with
die
this can't be it
this can't be all there is
the helpless thoughts slide sluggishly by
what is the point of surviving so much
when this is all i have to look forward to?
#work #mondays #purgatory #9to5
Continue reading...
Oct 2015 · 421
N (3)
Cain Arkay Lazarus Oct 2015
N (3)
in my observations of you
i notice the way they look at you

they
these others

those who, were it not for you, i would crave for myself

the ones with soft hair cascading down their sharp shoulders
the ones with soft mouths veiling their sharp teeth

their shining eyes trace a path for their gentle hands to follow
their clever lips curl at the corners when yours do

the boldest of them touches you, something i could never do,
and the mark where she touches you sears into my vision like spite

while the lukewarm fingers of jealousy encircle my throat
i know there is nothing i can do

i can only watch them watch you
and watch you
and want you
i can't hope to be nearly as attractive as the rest of them, and i know i have no chance with you, but i can't help myself
#love #lust #unrequited #jealousy
Continue reading...
Oct 2015 · 928
N (2)
Cain Arkay Lazarus Oct 2015
N (2)
1                                                                ­                                        
eye contact with you is my new favorite game
peeking at you through my fanned fingers
looking at lightning

2                                                     ­                                                   
eye contact with you is my new favorite game
squinting at you through the panels of my eyelashes
examining an eclipse

3                                                       ­                                                 
eye contact with you is my new favorite game
looking at you out of the corner of my eye
watching through water

4                                                         ­                                               
eye contact with you is my new favorite game
reflected in glass and in metal
staring at a storm


our lines of sight meet
for a beat or four
and the heat rises in my face
you've won again
#love #lust
Continue reading...
Sep 2015 · 461
N
Cain Arkay Lazarus Sep 2015
N
your eyes quietly invade mine
i defensively avert my eyes, only to be disarmed by your smile
i laugh in spite of myself
for there is no place that you cautiously inhabit
that is safe for me to look upon
what the hell is wrong with me?
#love #lust #confusion
Continue reading...
Aug 2015 · 360
P
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2015
P
almost two weeks have passed since you did
i think about the night that fell upon you rabid and hungry
and i know that for me, it is yet dusk
#suicide #death #night
Continue reading...
Aug 2015 · 858
mosquito bites
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2015
mosquito bites
i think about the songs i wish i could write about you
deep and sweeping words that would compare your eyes to the sky and your laugh to starlight
compare the curves of your body to the most breathtaking places in the world and every childhood story you've told me to yards of silk folded and stored reverently in the attic of my head, on the shelf closest to my eyes so i'll remember them always
but then i remember that
these verses tied to your wrists with delicate, translucent chords
while they may make the tide trace currents in the lines in your face
they will not make your heart collide with mine
#love #unrequited
Continue reading...
Aug 2015 · 458
165
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2015
165
the four of us lay under the stars and expressed our favorite parts of each others bodies
eyes,  hair, smiles, laughter rang throughout
after a pause
i said i loved your shoulders
knowing you couldn't hear what i wouldn't say
#love #unrequited
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May 2015 · 1.0k
eclipse
Cain Arkay Lazarus May 2015
eclipse
there is no color for regret
this fist of hindsight clenched in my stomach
sitting heavy, firm and uneasy

i can't paint over this lingering, wholesome sorrow
splashed in my lamentable eyes

the agony is blind and cannot feel its way out of this dark corridor
the uneasiness is more real than the feeler

repentance is stuck in my teeth and gnaws at my tongue
discomfort catches its fingernails on the chalkboard recesses of the past

regret

regret

the neon open sign flickers and its fumes are toxic
#love #heartbreak #regret #unrequited
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May 2015 · 614
the strive
Cain Arkay Lazarus May 2015
the strive
there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my cracked chest
out of the corner of my eye i see you swaying on saltwater sound
filling my lungs and stinging your throat with the dryness of almonds
the chord crests
you slip out of sight and i am seasick

there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my taut throat
your right hand caresses chalices with the ghost of a graze
your left hand haunts your hair, denoting the declination of your neck

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into my empty stomach
i am walking away with widowed dreams deemed deadly
you are walking away

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into the chasm of my chest
sleep slips from my hands long after your silence
#love #lust #unrequited #imagery
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May 2015 · 612
love, sick
Cain Arkay Lazarus May 2015
love, sick
i'm so ******* tired of writing about you

miserere mei deus

i'm sick of all these ******* dreams

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i'm fed up with the sleepless nights

et secundum multitudinem

the daylight hauntings

miserationum tuarum

the midnight ******* tears

dele iniquitatem meam




i hate that flutter in my gut that i only feel when i think of you

miserere mei deus

i hate that my heart rises in my throat only when i hear you laugh

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i hate that i love you

et secundum multitudinem

i hate that i love you

miserationum tuarum

i hate that i love you

*dele iniquitatem meam
#love #anger #lust #unrequited #psalm #51
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May 2015 · 413
police dog sticker
Cain Arkay Lazarus May 2015
police dog sticker
i can't decide which is worse

the silence, or the tears that crackle in your throat when you tell me that i hurt you

that roaring silence, or the tears that hollow out your mouth when you tell me that you're sorry

the deafening silence, or the tears that coat your tongue when you tell me you'll be okay

parked outside my house at sunset, you stare out ahead
squinting at the empty street, your eyes are shining

now the sun is behind the mountains and i remember that i've never seen you cry
#love #hurt #unrequited #apologies
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May 2015 · 1.2k
sunglasses
Cain Arkay Lazarus May 2015
sunglasses
i remember again why i hate the summer as the jeep jostles on the bumpy dirt road to the river

my shorts ride up over my knees and i have to keep my hands splayed over my thighs so you won't see the godawful things i carved into them years ago

the music blares and skips like my heartbeat does when we hit a pothole and you go flying into me

you laugh, leaning against my shoulder like it's nothing to you

i laugh, the heat of the day creeping into my face because you're everything to me

i stammer out something dry and everyone laughs

you look at me, the glitter of the sun against the river quite clear in your eyes and in your smile

you tell me you smile with your eyes and i believe you

i adjust my sunglasses for the third time but by the time we arrive in a cloud of dust and laughter the sun is already behind the tree lined mountains
#love #lust #summer #unrequited
Continue reading...
May 2015 · 664
the movies
Cain Arkay Lazarus May 2015
the movies
my mind spoils the innocence of holding you close in a cold movie theater
i am thankful for the darkness that protects you from the look that poured into my face when you touched me
my hands are clasped together and i'm glad you can't see them shaking
you've leaned your head on my shoulder and i'm hoping to god you can't feel my heart beating even from there
your fingers creep up my arm to bring me closer and my eyes flutter closed
and i pray that you didn't hear my breath catch in my throat
you've got to stop or i might just fall in love with you, my body whispers
are you warm enough?, my mouth says instead
#love #lust #unrequited
Continue reading...
Apr 2015 · 627
descent
Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2015
descent
i can't stop thinking about the feel of your fingers on my ribs tonight
i wonder if you felt my heart beat faster
i wonder if you know what you do to me
what once swirled around in simple thought became complicated reality
unclear dreams made for foggy awakening
your warm body under my arm blurs all vision of the past and present
does this make me sick?
#love #short #unrequited #fog
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Apr 2015 · 333
h (10w)
Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2015
h (10w)
i never thought i would want you for this long
#love #short #want #time #unrequited
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Apr 2015 · 1.1k
angels and demons
Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2015
angels and demons
my eyes, too blind from the light of hell to see
pray for you to choke the blasphemy out of me

ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum. benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, iesus. sancta maria, mater dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae

you misread my plea and loosen your holy grip
and more sins spill from my ****** lips

ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum. benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, iesus. sancta maria, mater dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae

my tongue is heavy with heresy
but still i babble hypocrisy

ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum. benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, iesus. sancta maria, mater dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae

amen
#love #religion
Continue reading...
Apr 2015 · 474
water night
Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2015
water night
i struggle to dam an ocean but it presses up against the walls until they crack
and salt erodes my twisted face
the room blinks faster but the water won't stop rushing down
flooding this closed off space that doesn't belong to me
i block off my mouth against the tide of the sound that will
inevitably shake its way loose from my anchored chest
but i can't block off my mind against the tide of thought that will inevitably shake its way loose from my anchored head

water boils faster when salt is added
i struggle to dam an ocean but it presses up against the walls until they crack
and fog rolls into my eyes from the darkened shore
the scorching sunlight rises in my cracking chest
i open my mouth and the gulls cry
unintelligibly
they circle and they circle
their screams ringing, echoing, fading unnoticed

i reach out for something, anything to keep from being dragged away by the tide but find only sand slipping between my fingers and under my nails and salt in my eyes
and in my mouth
and in my throat
and in my lungs
and then there is only night
#anger #ocean #juxtaposition
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Mar 2015 · 336
narrow
Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2015
narrow
rip down the curtain that obscures my line of sight
give my eyes time to adjust once you turn off the light
let your your hands cool the fire in my face
take my hand and get me out of this place
let's get in your truck and drive to the sea
let me get lost in you, and you in me
let your fingers make patterns down to the base of my spine
let me be yours; i'll let you be mine
let's go into the water, so cold that we freeze
and when your hands are numb we'll dry off in the breeze
more importantly, just kiss me; i know that you can
i know that you would, if i was a man
#love #unrequited
Continue reading...
Mar 2015 · 2.9k
she sells seashells
Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2015
she sells seashells
i found you in the ocean
                                                                                   your eyes treading water
                                                                                       your hair lost gold
swimming out to sea
                                                                                        turning back once
                                                                                        to beckon me onward
i swam until my arms were too tired to move and
when i looked back i could no longer see the shore
                                                                                         you were waiting
and you broke me apart with your words
i nodded
breathless from the wound and exhaustion
my head turning toward the sky
and slipping below the waves
i watched the creatures of the deep glide by
seeing clearer than ever before
you put me together with your lips
and met me at the ocean floor
#love #dreaming #ocean
Continue reading...
Mar 2015 · 340
revelation
Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2015
revelation
she says that you gave me to her
that you placed me in her life
did you do that to **** with me too?

she says that she thanks you every day
and prays that i'd let you in
how can i?

if what she says is true
if you made all this happen
how dare you?

why would you let me grasp at joy
then rip it out of my hands
over and over again?

this unfathomable loneliness
this empty rage
are you making this happen?

and if it's true
if there's a reason you bring me back here
why?

i want answers
and you are silent
why do you speak to her and not to me?

have you chosen her for some higher purpose
and am i somehow doomed
never to find salvation?

am i not worthy of hearing your voice?
was i born ******?
answer me!
#love #god #religion #unrequited
Continue reading...
Mar 2015 · 424
lament
Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2015
lament
give me a bolt from the blue, O omnipotent *******
smite me
strike me dead where i stand
You won't ******* do it
You don't have the guts

You'll let me rot in this hell but You won't just ******* **** me
is death too good for me?
are my friends happy on the other side?
You'll take them but You won't take me
and Your ****** tell me You love me

i don't want Your pitiful love
i want Your wrath
where's that power i'm supposed to fear?
i'm a sinner, right?
then smite me! i'm right here!

i've given You so many chances
and You just won't ******* do it
where's Your mercy?
where's Your peace?
i don't see it

burn me off of this earth
knock me out of the sky
drown me in fire or water
i don't care how You do it anymore
as long as You do it now

i don't ask You for anything
just give me this one thing and i'll be out of Your hair forever
i swear to You
on my life
take it away from me

let me go
let me have this
please
#religion #death
Continue reading...
Feb 2015 · 551
blight (a sonnet)
Cain Arkay Lazarus Feb 2015
blight (a sonnet)
my head groans and i am awake again
it takes an hour to open my eyes
just sitting up is way too ******* hard
the butterfly inside me crashes, dies
my mangled heart beats dully from its cage
more slowly than it ever has before
i think about the *** on the top shelf
but i'd have to unlock my bedroom door
i wouldn't trust myself to stand alone
or shuffle to the kitchen miles away
i hate myself for opening my mouth
i even hate myself for being gay

i thought i'd get used to a broken heart
but now it seems that i will fall apart
#love #heartbreak #lust #sonnet #iambic
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Jan 2015 · 802
Rosary
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jan 2015
Rosary
last night in my dreams i went to a bar

in the void

it was all darkness

dimly lit

there was an over-sized jukebox making otherworldly sounds in

what looked like a round corner

while the space felt crowded, it was almost deserted, almost empty

except for

the promise of wakeful suffering

the past's burn of *****

dinner, unsettled but unmoved

and an empty bag of fancy chocolate

to keep me company

long dead gods sometimes showed their faces and were unrecognized

i never drank a thing

i wasn't thirsty

but i sat at the bar, staring at everything but the jukebox

an empty, chipped glass in my hands

an empty, chipped smile on my face
Continue reading...
Dec 2014 · 277
Untitled
Cain Arkay Lazarus Dec 2014
Untitled
last night i dreamed my cat rose from his bed and slid out the door

and leaped into the sky, gliding lazily through the air with a serene look

on his fuzzy face

batting at birds that passed him by

until he was just a speck on the horizon
Continue reading...
Sep 2014 · 300
I will call you screaming
Cain Arkay Lazarus Sep 2014
I will call you screaming
we're seeing it again
burning ourselves on your flash of fire
we thought we had soothed ourselves of your potential
to hiss from drops of water and wine
and we know that i will only accumulate
more shining red skin
and streaming eyes
and we know it's impossible to be addicted to someone we've never had
but
still
we bubble
we're warmed
we blindly follow your light and seek heat
a circuit that will never close

it's difficult
Continue reading...
Sep 2014 · 277
Butterfly
Cain Arkay Lazarus Sep 2014
Butterfly
Writing about you is harder than i thought
Because i'm so conflicted about you still

i wish i could leave it at that but
then you wouldn't understand
you would think you did
but- and i say this as gently as i can-
you would be wrong

i'm not even sure i understand

there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable

and there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable


it fluctuates
sometimes collides

it's very unpredictable
and requires further study
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Sep 2014 · 1.0k
Deny
Cain Arkay Lazarus Sep 2014
Deny
Recycled noise
eyes litter the floor
Consciousness murmurs day by day
We don't know where home is and
we're okay with that
It'll be okay
Our feet are cold
Our body awake
Our mind rested and ready to lapse into memory waves
Signs of anchored wisdom and prophecy
A black screen of mindfulness on my hands
blue shells clatter to the floor
The heat of the weapon warms my feet
We aren't tired, are we?
Our heads are too heavy
We risk stretching our legs
And the blood rushes back in
We're tempted to bathe
We're tempted to relay our dreams
It is hard to deny these
Yet it isn't
Our writing becomes large when we have this joy
we have no struggle
no shortage of peace
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Sep 2014 · 385
my
Cain Arkay Lazarus Sep 2014
my
i light a candle
i pick at my nails
i fish the eyelash out of my eye
without hesitation
a car bouncing music blares by
i pick at my teeth
i look around
i look at the snake
at the fish
at the upturned bottle of tea
at the plate of crumbs out of the corner of my eye
at the keys
at the door
i cross my legs
the joints lock up
i uncross my legs
i ignore my cat who has jumped on me and obscures my vision
i lay back
i gather my thoughts though they are like smoke
i breathe for a while
i lose my train of thought and i do not mourn its passing
this is my calling
this life is mine
i will keep it
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Aug 2014 · 356
Ry
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2014
Ry
I told him things I would never tell anyone else
I come down and realize what I've done
And I am not ashamed
My eyes refocus
The words are still there

He said it over and over again
And he told me to say it
And I did
And I said it again

I came down and the ashes were still there
staring at me from last night
And I'm still shaken from last night
My fingers fly as they flew last night

He's not meant to make me feel like this
No one can know he makes me feel like this
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Aug 2014 · 389
M
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2014
M
We're on balconies
back towards me
our dramatists
their novelty
higher and higher
following the birds


ghost doll mosquitoes
we worry
it was a big mosquito
we'll hide away in our bed and pray to god it doesn't come back
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Aug 2014 · 284
You'd hate that I'm writing this to you
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2014
You'd hate that I'm writing this to you
Today was a sadder day
The sun will be out tomorrow like always
The lights will be on and the puppets out
and about, hanging from the rafters of
their shining theater
You'll realize there's no such thing as magic
And a week will go by and you'll have
forgotten, you blind beautiful creature
We'll be there nonetheless
Because I love you
Because I want you
The angel and the devil agree
The angel heard you laugh and wanted
to keep you laughing
The devil heard you laugh and wanted
to make you moan
And that was something we wanted, both

does it say nothing to you that i want you in every state of mind i've been in?
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Aug 2014 · 419
I
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2014
I
i am the bronchitis afflicted
memory washed rogue that
spills across the streets like
tears of laughter

i am the screen breathing
hand trembling sweat bleeding
souls of heaven
eyes skyward

i am the all striped all checkered
all wooden apologies
smiles of understanding
leers of worry
tears of laughter

i am the all aching all breathing all shuddering all fire all water
all WATER
all fog
all cold
all alone
ALL JOY
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Aug 2014 · 496
Dry
Cain Arkay Lazarus Aug 2014
Dry
The wind is getting in but not out. we know this because we see the curtain rise
we love our mismatched furniture
we love our scraggly hair
we love our couch with the cigarette burn in the second cushion from the right
and our ever constant stream of dishes that we wash ourselves to make our room mate smile
we love our valentine's day door hanger
we love our nonfunctional bicycle
we love our half eaten box of cookies
and our overfull incense burner
and making puns about our incense burner
we love our phonebook that we found by the door today
we love our friends
we are joyful his day
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Jun 2014 · 370
sky
Cain Arkay Lazarus Jun 2014
sky
I love I love I love

It courses thorough me faster
Than a pulse
My default hunger
Surges
A calm hot force rocks me.
We swing through the hours
Feeling weighed down by green gelatin
But breathing is the easiest thing
In the world now
No pain, never
Only peace and the tide and the fire blooming
I can't grasp loneliness
I'm friends with myself now
And I'll curl up tonight and I won't feel alone
And I'll be just fine
I'll topple into sleep and
Wake without wisps of dreams clinging to my fingers
It's mystorical!
There's no earth to crash into so I'll fall as fast as I please
And there's no fear
And there's
no pain, never
Only peace and the tide and the fire blossoming
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Apr 2014 · 394
i don't believe that man has received any medical training
Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2014
i don't believe that man has received any medical training
With surgical precision
And steady hands
(But only if I imagine you guiding them)
I make the first incision
Slowly and carefully
(The way I feel I must choose my words-
God I could never hurt you)
A straight, deep canyon and another across
Quickly cauterized to prevent any more
Blood

Loss

Sharp curves, applied pressure over the artery
And the cancer is out
This
Lump the size of my closed fist
This
Tumor lies uselessly on the sterile table
Discarded

A needle and thread are produced
And I am sewn back together


My throat ablaze from screaming

But it's out
it's gone
I am whole again

Yet

Why do I feel like there's this great hole in my chest?
#love #pain #heartache
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Apr 2014 · 305
i don't think i'm doing this right
Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2014
i don't think i'm doing this right
You are cracking my mind
Dashing it against her collarbones and cheap sunglasses
The hardest things about her
You are are cutting my heart
Pressing it against her shoulder blades and elbows
The sharpest things about her
She is light and soft
And could break me if I'm not careful
And I want her to
To break me apart again and again
I never asked You for much
I don't know if You're even out there
But if You are
She's all I want
#love #religion
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Apr 2014 · 603
immovable/unstoppable
Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2014
immovable/unstoppable
I looked at you
And thought about my favorite movie

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

I looked at you

The light at the end of the tunnel
The break in the storm
The breath of air I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you

And thought about my favorite movie

But time passed and I realized
You were the light at the end of the tunnel
A train
The break in the storm
The eye
The breath I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you
Was toxic

So how do I forget thee?
Let me count the ways.
I forget thee when I inhale smoke
Push you out of my lungs to make room for green oblivion
I forget thee when I exhale hunger
Push you out of my heart to make room for orange growls
I forget thee when I inhale exhaustion
Push you out of my head to make room for blue pills
I forget thee when I exhale fire
Push you out of my throat to make room for grey death

And now I can't look at you
Because I'm afraid the next time you look into my eyes you'll see that I've cracked
That I can't understand
That I can't get you out of my eyes
#love
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