I get happy sometimes.
Right now I'm happy.
I like it.
It's refreshing.
The happiness fills me.
Right to the top.
I love it.

****
****
******

It's been hard to stay in touch,
You're out chasing all your dreams.
And I'm sat here
Loving you.
Trying to make plans.
Trying to have adventures.
But not one person I try to have any sort of adventure with has been anything like you.
Not even close.
I doubt I'll ever find another..

You taught me to have coffee without sugar.
Only now do I understand what that means.
Bitter lover.

Waking up to your beautiful face in the form of a virtual message gives me a thrill.
But waking up to your beautiful face right beside me, eyes closed, murmuring sleepy whispers...
That's paradise.

Long brown hair
Foolish eyes
Broken heart
Twisted cries

How the hell am I pretty?

I rely on self destruction as a distraction from real life.

That's not pretty.

You got your flight to London,
I hope you're still dreaming of LA.
10 thousand miles from Dublin,
You rest your head in Adelaide.

I can't name or count how many guys I've looked at approvingly thinking 'I'd love to **** him' or whatever people say when they give that approving eye glance and nod thing. Of course I do it. All the time. I'm eighteen for gods sake. I can look!

However,

I can count all the guys I've genuinely fancied on both hands.

I can count the guys I've really liked on one hand.

I can count the guys I've kissed on *******.

I can count the guys I've actually called my boyfriend on one finger.

But that is not the man I love.

None of them are.

Because he's not a statistic.

He's a part of my soul.

Life is a beautiful condescending labyrinth of emotions. Some of us just get mixed up in between it all.
Feeling nothing.

I feel the static in the air tonight
It's all around us and it feels so right with you.
I know you feel it too.
I feel the lust running through my veins
I need your touch before I go insane,
It's true.
I hope you feel it too..
If you were a bottle with a broken top,
I'd still drink down every drop.

Loving you is like barbed wire.
It's like I'm standing in a white hot fire.
Like running through a nightmare
Or standing in a lightning storm.
I can't describe it.
It's like electric love.
I cant deny it.
You're so electric love.

Well something happens when you touch my face.
Some kind of magic I don't understand it's true.
I know you feel it too.
Well if you were a poison you would taste so sweet.
So pour a shot glass out for me.

Loving you is like barbed wire.
It's like I'm standing in a white hot fire.
Like running through a nightmare
Or standing in a lightning storm.
I can't describe it.
It's like electric love.
I can't deny it.
You're so electric love.

Airports are intriguing lately.
They're your refuge.
They wake when ordinary people are in a sleepy bliss.
They hold secrets.
And runaways.
And hidden doors to the unknown.
Tender kisses.
Solemn cries.
Broken hearted lovers
No chance to say goodbye.

These airports feel things only poets seem to write down.
Emotion fills the halls.
As passengers avoid the fall..

This airport seems so lonely.
Take me with you.
Let us fly.

What if your soulmate was living on the other side of the world?
Singing songs in little venues
About girls nobody else knows.

What if your soulmate was sitting in a coffee shop 30,000 miles away?
Writing words into that old journal
About guys she's too shy to talk to.

What if your soulmate walked right by you, in a sea of people on a busy street?
Running for a bus to take to his mothers
Eyes never meeting.

But what if your soulmate met you.
And talked with you.
For seemingly endless hours.
But only for two days.

What if your soulmate had to stay in her boring town life.
What if your soulmate had yet another flight to catch.

What then?
What if soulmates exist?

I don't want us to have any what if's?

So stand a little closer to me.
And kiss me how you would if you knew this was the beginning of forever.

Everyone that matters to me forgot about my birthday...

It's okay though.

I probably won't have another...

I think if I woke up next to you
I'd beg to runaway.

Twenty five minutes into my birthday and I'm a bit sad.........

I knew I shouldn't have let myself fall that fast that day..........

I didn't mean to kiss you.
I just happened to fall in love.

We like to fill our bodies with toxic substances.
I understand us so much better now.

You were nobody's regular Starbucks.
Not ridiculously expensive for some ****** fancy named coffee.
You were more like a vintage Italian expresso.
And I would search every corner of the world for you.
If it meant I could have one last sip.

You're looking to impress me
For when you come back in September.
But honestly,
An uncomfortable hostel bed and you would be perfect.
I've no idea what to do, so I'll let you lead..
All I know is you don't need much.
All I need is you.

There's just no escaping you.
You're wrapped in all my thoughts.
Your face in every crowd.
My heart is cluttered with feelings of you.
Adelaide road.
A street in Dublin.
But also your Australian hometown.
Crazy.
And now every day I pass there..
Your face will swim in my heart and my mind.
I bet even if I wanted to escape.
Even if I tried my hardest.
I just couldn't.

Love hurts whether it's right or wrong.

She felt his words enter her soul
As he traced every inch of her skin.
'beautiful' he whispered delicately.
She drifted in and out of realities and daydreams,
Consciousness and unconsciousness.
He stayed gazing at her pure beauty.
Her body was made for his eyes.
Her lips were made for his lips.
A perfect fit.
They lay there for the day.
Talking.
Laughing.
Crying.
They learned each others secrets.
They opened up their pasts.
They planned a future together.
And after all this they fell asleep.

She woke in the morning with a sickening feeling in her gut.
He was gone.
She was too terrified to roll over.
To see the indent of him on those sheets.
She feared that she'd suffocate on the oxygen he'd used up the night before.

She reached one arm cautiously over to the other side of the bed.
Felt his wonderful skin
Laying next to her.
She let out a sigh of relief.
He meant it.
He did.
He meant every word.

He woke with a sleepy gaze.
'beautiful'
He whispered as he kissed her forehead.
Inhaled her scent.
And for the first time in a long time.
This broken hearted train wreck really did feel....
Beautiful.

The fact that you're not a daydream anymore terrifies me.
At least I had control in my own head...

Goodbye keeps hurting.
Especially when it comes from your lips.
My whole body aches at the memory of that last goodbye.
But one thing makes it okay.
I know it's not the last goodbye.
I know that for a fact.

Dear fifteen year old self,
I know you have never met me.
And you never will, for I took over...
Grew from your essence.
But I just wanted to let you know a few things.
See that face of yours? The one you cry in front of in the mirror? You're beautiful. You're changing from a cute awkward little kid into a strong wonderful, inspiringly beautiful woman. Trust nature. Wipe your tears, and believe that it's okay. You're 15. Relax. You're pretty. Those big brown eyes will get you anything you wish for. Trust me. I know.

Next, see that boy? The cute one who knows how to talk a little bit too smoothly... Who's a little bit too cheeky.... There's no point in me telling you to stay away because we both know that doesn't work. We are the same person after all... Just be careful...... And whatever you do, DO NOT sleep with him. You're too young. You're gonna have your first kiss, and he's gonna make you feel like you're flying and falling and being caught all at the one time.... But you're not. You're going to kiss people 1000 times better than that, you'll realise it was sloppy and kind of a waste of eight months.
But the heartbreak. When he leaves you for your best friend.. When you're left without anyone beside you. That will honestly almost **** you. But you'll be okay. The fact that you feel this way makes you become the strong beautiful woman you are today. You can get through it, all of it, even the **** that's not about the guy. The **** that is going on inside your head, inside your home.... You'll survive. And you'll write.

One last thing, I'm sure I'm missing a few things, maybe I'll realise them when I'm a little bit older...... But that musical talent you've got, it's there.... It's in your ears... And possibly your voice. That's a grey area at the moment. You're going to find your way. And musicians should come with warning signs..... danger sheer drop ahead like at the end of the road in a cartoon where the path turns into a cliff....... Because you'll fall, when you're around my age. And they are very good pretenders. Be careful sweetheart.

It's never too late.
You're growing up so beautifully.
Be proud.
And try not to be too sad........

Love,
18 year old you...

I see you for the last time tomorrow.
I just really want to kiss you.
But I want you to make the first move.
I'm nervous.
I'm sorry.
I'm just really awkward in these situations.
Sorry about that.

We dived in head first
I didn't think we couldn't swim
Sending out flares
Any hope of rescue
I guess I forgot how to survive
I held onto you too tight.

I can't stop seeing you
kissing her out in open view
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Stand and watch you make me your fool?

It's almost 2am.
I'm kind of laying here in the hot, unnatural heat.
I miss you a little bit.
My insomnia has been bad lately.
I guess you're okay.
I'll just write about you for awhile until I drift off into the colourless world of pretend realitys promising to bring you back to me.

I want to melt into you.
I want our souls to touch.
Your eyes, when they smile..
It's a childlike quality I've never seen before.
My heart flutters violently in my chest
When I imagine us breathing in
Each others breaths.
We could say a million words,
But not one would match this feeling between us.
So let's go,
Let's be crazy,
But first..
Let me breathe my last breath through you...

I never really put much thought into love.
I figured it was something imaginary.
Parents say I love you.
But then they scream at each other behind slammed doors.
Boys tell you they love you to get in your pants.
Girls seem to love everything whether it's fluffy, pretty or just **** attractive.

I've never been one to believe in it all.
It never made much sense.
Always a meaningless word.
Signifying as little as four simple letters.

But then I met you.
And it may have been a sunny day.
And everyone may have been in high spirits.
But we walked.
And we talked.
And I think I felt our souls bounce off each other.
Like they were old friends reconnecting.
Catching up.
Yet you were totally new.

And two days.
Two days is all it took for my soul to understand that it found its long lost friend.
But then we were separated again.
And our souls are struggling to stay in touch.

But I feel deep down that you're not gonna be gone long.
We'll see each other again.
And we'll be Soulmates.
And I know for a fact I will run anywhere with you.

Because the feeling I get when I'm with you.
It's as if those four empty letters are full at last.
And they're full to capacity.
I know it's not lust.
I feel it in my soul.
This is love.

I swore to myself I wouldn't get too attached.
I promised myself I wouldn't fantasise about you.
I knew there were many many other beautiful girls.
But I didn't know you were so **** charming.
And now...
I think I may have fallen.
For that I am sorry.
See loving you is a mistake.
Letting you in was a mistake.
I made a mistake.
And for that I am sorry.

Because I can't stand the way you love her.
And her friends.
And me.
And my friends.

You can't love all those people because souls aren't made for groups. They're made for pairs.

And after you...

I don't think I can ever find someone else who I can wholly love that much ever again.

The suffocation of my thoughts in my chest make it hard for me to take those much needed deep breaths

Two years ago the shower was a refuge.
A place away from my thoughts.
It was relaxing.

But it's become a hell.
The scalding water burns out my cries
And the blades sit neatly on the edge.

Crying in the shower is easy.
Probably because I can't feel exactly how much of my heart is breaking.

I can't feel how much salted sadness is falling from my eyes.
But I feel it in my heart.

I feel heavy.
My knees go weak and I must scramble to the floor.

There I curl up into my scarred body and make marks with razors where your hands used to be.

What the hell have you done?

I never wanted to confuse you.
I never wanted you to be left wondering.
But you were.
You layed in bed for endless nights,
Trying to wrap your pretty thoughts around what had happened.
But you didn't know,
Did you?
You told me it was stupid to fall in love at seventeen.
You told me it was stupid to kiss you.
But then you tell me you hope you made a positive impact on my life.
Ha!
Positive?
Not at all....
Writing. That's all I seem to be able to do.
And I am so **** sick of writing about you.
You told me to go out into the world and be adventurous.
But I only want to be adventurous with you.
And I'm not sorry.
You confused me when you wrapped your heart around mine.

I used to stay up till 6am tying different lengths of material around my neck.
I used to stay up till 5am trying to forget how to breathe for a little while.
I used to stay up till 4am and wonder what you were doing with her at that time.
But now it's 4am and I'm happy.
I met a stranger two days ago and he seems to have completely erased the bad feelings.
The memories.
He's a blank white page.
And my 3am scribbles are no longer pleading messages to god begging for a release.
They are rambles about how this man makes me feel.
And ****.
It's pretty wonderful.

You're haunting me again.
I returned to our rooftop today.
The rain still hasn't washed us away.
If we had of gone to the beach,
Maybe I would be lucky.
Maybe the waves would take my memories far away.
But once upon a rooftop happened.
And I can't shake our ghosts from that place.
The sound of our deep breathing remains.
I feel your soul wrap around mine,
When I sit against that wall.
Tears spill out for you.
Maybe they're trying to erase us too.

We're being reckless.
Giving into temptation.
Your lips are magnetic.
Forcing mine upon yours.
Your touch is sweet.
Delicate even.
City lights shine for us.
Symbolising the spark we have.
Connection.
Desire.
Emotions.
Is this love?
Maybe.
It's the reckless kind.
The one that tears your heart out.
And leaves you breathless.
And speechless.
So conflicted.
We have 8 days.
So much could happen.
We should stop.
But being careful never enticed me.
So let's be reckless.
Let's kiss the way we did by the water.
Let's hold each other until we are one.
Let's love.

I got too caught up in you.

Set me free.

I can only imagine your body on mine.
Our heat in that stuffy apartment.
You're perfect.
I'm an amateur.
You make it so easy..

My daydreams are getting out of control... Forgive me.

We need to be careful with our hearts.
Being reckless and sneaking out onto rooftops is fun.
And touching each other's skin is fun.
But being reckless with a heart is just cruel.
For the both of us.
Because in the long run we don't really have each other.
We just have now.
And what will happen when now passes?
Where will that leave us?
Friends.
Lovers.
Strangers.
I'd like to think that in a year passing you on a street will bring warm feelings.
Nothing bad.
But heartbreak can change people.
Being reckless is fun.
But it hurts.
We need to be careful while we're being reckless.

One foot in front of the other.
It's not that hard.
It's life dear.
Balance.
That's all you need.
And tension.
Slacking will inevitably make you fall.
I guess that's what happened then.
That's why I lost my balance.
The second I saw you,
I stopped putting one foot in front of the other.
And I began slacking in my plans.
I felt as though I was floating.
Looking into your beautiful dark eyes.
Oh how wrong was I?
So wrong.
I wasn't floating.
I was falling.
The tightrope went limp.
And I completely lost my balance.
What now?

Falling is terrifying.
I know that.
I've been there,
So many times.
Or at least,
I thought I had.

Turns out I was close,
But still wrong.
This time though,
Something's different.
The feeling's real.
I can feel my heart and my mind,
Attacking each other.
Battling it out.
And somewhere in between,
They've lost the balance.

I've fallen head over heels for you.
And I know it's not right in my heart,
Or my mind.
But it is what it is.
And suddenly,
I'm not too terrified anymore.
Because I know that no matter what I do,
I cannot stop myself.
From falling.
Head over heels.
In love.
With you.

Drunken texts and phone calls at 3am
Forbidden fantasies of you and me
Stumbling through the city to find where you might be
It's all a trick isn't it,
An impossible dream.
Your apartment door shakes,
Oh it aches for me.
Taxi cabs being forced to drive.
You send me away,
No. Not tonight..
Lipstick kisses and tired hearts.
I always take it that little bit too far.

The ceiling seems to be spinning.
The way my heart unravelled itself the day you left.
The ceiling hasn't stopped spinning.

Falling for you was just too easy.
Smooth words, late nights.
Enough to make a young girl cry.
I fell for you a bit too fast.
I'm not too sure how to make us last.
Cause if I fell so easily.
And you knocked down my highest walls.
How am I to know it's not just me?
I feel the heartache setting in.
Bracing myself for crashing down.

I guess you're getting tired of my drunk phone calls at 3am.
I guess you don't care about my slurred sentences begging
For you to come back.
And I guess you're happy laying there alone when you know I'm just breaking into peices without you to hold..

I'm speechless.
Tonight was perfect.
City lights.
Sneaking out.
Forbidden kisses.
Perfection.
Your lips.
My lips.
Your body.
My body.
We are one.
Speechless.