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Brian Hoffman Sep 14
So shut off the lights and close your eyes
The demons come crawling in
Their creeping deep inside
These shallow thoughts now becoming so vivid during the eerie nights
It’s definitely not alright
Can’t seem to escape them or break the chains they display in your mind
Constantly battling the urge to feel the pain their causing you inside
It’s taking such a toll on one’s daily life  
Missing the bright crystal blue skies in the days we often felt alive
Moods constantly changing like the seasons and in our heads their telling us “trust it’ll be fine”
Can’t seem to shake them in the darkest of times
Can’t seem to break them out of the chains that they live shackling inside
Getting tired and restless it’s becoming so hectic
Don’t sleep well most nights
Should we just slip and let them rip us alive?

-Brian Hoffman (9-13-20)
Jan 19 · 109
Coping with illness
Brian Hoffman Jan 19
Being bipolar is an emotional ride
Everyday you feel differently elevated yet so alive
I used to feel like I had to be high to get by
Letting these emotions clash together and collide
It was an amazing experience to let them slip on by
Just getting that weight lifted off my mind
But as time passes I’m learning to let it thrive
Because being bipolar will always be part of my life
I shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for my state of mind
Depression, mood swings and anxiety fly on by
Working on myself I for once in my life feel alive
Sober thoughts and a healthier mind
Time to enjoy this little joy ride
I’m starting to feel like myself again, oh how I’ve missed this. Life is a bunch of ups and downs, but you have to accept it is what it is and keep thriving forward.
Jan 19 · 96
Just a waste of space
Brian Hoffman Jan 19
Picking up all the scattered pieces on the floor
It hits so hard this constant burning passion you choose to ignore
Overly tired of feeling like I’m the last resort
Wanting to find paradise, but everything seems all out of sort
Falling for you ever so effortlessly, but my heart doesn’t cross your mind
I feel as if, I surely lost you this time
Though I know that you were never mine
The fact that my absence doesn’t bother you even the slightest makes me wonder if my presence even mattered at all in the first place
As I slowly start to let go of the illusion that things could have been any different my head starts to race
You made me feel like a waste of space
Done with you leading me on, every time I see you this light switch flickers on. I feel so drawn to you, but I’m hoping the next time I see you those feelings are long gone
Brian Hoffman Apr 2019
Ever since you past away I’ve felt numb inside, like part of me has also died. Our friendship was strong and I don’t expect anyone else to understand what you truly meant to me. I remember you telling me the words “you deserve to be the man you’re brought out to be”. It’s just been taking a huge toll on me lately, you were there when I was breaking. We used to sit and talk for hours about all our problems in this crazy rollercoaster of a life. I believe you are the only person who fully understands what I’ve been through and I deeply miss you. I’ve never met someone so incredibly strong in this lifetime of mine. And I pray that you’re in a better place now, but I’m still shaken about how life could have taken you so young. I can barely sleep at night, my thoughts have been so vivid of our deepest memories. I love you and your family. Always in my prayers you are life’s blessing. (3-24-19) rest easy ❤️❤️❤️
P.S I hope in heaven they offer you a lot of places to run because you were always so quick. And please if you can never stop writing poems you’re wonderful.
Not really a poem, but more of something I wrote for an incredible friend of mine that recently passed away. He was one of the most inspiring people I’ve met in this lifetime and I’ll forever love him. It’s been hard because at times I feel like he was the only person who truly understood me to my full attention. I miss him and just want him here with me. At least for a moment so I can tell him how much he meant to me. Keep doing amazing things. And save me a spot in heaven dude.
Brian Hoffman Mar 2019
The words can’t escape me
I’m bending and I’m breaking
I’m holding onto a thin line
Grasping onto the little sanity I have left
Death is always near
There are often times I wish I wasn’t here
Dreams and reality seem to fade
I don’t know what’s real anymore it feels like I’m never awake
Can this all be a dream for goodness sake
Depression swoops in and out of my life and drains me
Anxiety knows exactly how to take me
Deep into this pit of doubt and despair
Wishing sometimes I had an angel to just take me there
See the light on the end of the tunnel that I hold onto so near
This isn’t a poem about suicide so no worries there now, dear
It’s more about how the days used to blossom and now about how I’m feeling numb inside with no one left to care
I mean truly what’s the point in life?
Sick of hearing everything works out right
My bipolar mind can’t make it out tonight
Dowsing myself in pills and whiskey
Hoping for a moment these feelings of guilt slip me
It’s hard when no one truly understands, just hoping one day someone will truly comprehend
I started smoking again to help with the anxiety that haunts my thoughts
But sadly nicotine might be what ends up killing me and I’ll be the one to haunt
Breath a breathe deeply into my lungs corroding my insides
I rather feel the pain from smoking than feeling nothing, but numb inside
**** my bipolar state of mind
Mood swings raging from highs to lows
I can’t chase these demons they sure know how to drown me until I have little room for growth
I’m not asking for pity, but just for someone to hold me for a second or two
I apologize my skies are grey not blue
Tell me it’s okay
That I’ll be okay
I keep reminding myself that I’m not my illness and yet it still taunts me
But how can one truly be themselves when their days are often clouded?
Where is my mind? I’m mentally, emotionally and physically drained
Often jaded
Happiness turns to sadness, sadness turns to anger
I feel bitter
Tired of watching as my life splinters
Here I am left alone hoping the ends near
I miss living my own life. Take me back to the days where happiness and better times didn’t tend to fade away. Tired of feeling drained.
Nov 2018 · 287
Where is the love in this
Brian Hoffman Nov 2018
It’s not you’re fault, but my own
I shouldn’t have let you go
My heart just turned stone cold
It was time unfortunately our love was bound to unfold
Two completely different directions we separated slowly, but surely on our own
Each night I lie awake reminiscing about our past experiences
You were my first true heartache
I’m sorry for I have caused the skies to break upon you
Knowing I wasn’t enough eventually I’d ***** things up
You were my only love sometimes it just eats me up  
I can’t change the past, but I hope I can fix the future
I truly do miss her
Breaking every bit every inch of your beautiful untamed soul
We separated as we watched the world around us grow
You once were my whole
Now I’m stuck here tearing up on my bedside alone
I’ve lost true love once not knowing if I’ll find it again
She was my muse everything I needed more than friend
My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it’s surprisingly funny how often they head in your direction. You may be out of my sight, but you’re never out of my mind.
Apr 2018 · 513
Am I a poet now?
Brian Hoffman Apr 2018
I feel like I’m choking on words
Like the thoughts in my head are there, but I can’t let them out
I can’t let them escape
So I grasp onto the little hope that I have left
But I’m growing old and slowly, but surly letting my emotions unfold
They just cave in
I cave in
I feel like I’m drowning
******* take me push me under until I can’t breathe
Swallowing the water making me a little less empty
Hold me down soon I’ll perish I’m fading out
You all wanted honesty?
Honestly  
I’m drowning completely now
I don’t know what to say most of the time
I hold back until I relapse and feel numb inside
There’s so much on my mind, but people don’t want to hear it most of the time
Often they say they care, but truly aren’t there when I’m dying on the inside
All you see or understand is what’s on the outside
You’re all only there when in need or despair    
That’s why I write because at least the sheets hear me when I’m tearing my eyes out over the pages
Ink bleeds, but better that than me
It would be nice for someone to understand me and appreciate what I have to offer and mean to be
Feeling lost and every so lonely
But lately I haven’t even seen the mirrored self image of myself clearly
I’m lost
I’m blanked out
All the colors of life turning into dark storm clouds
Can you see now as rain trickles down
I need you all now before time runs out
I’m getting tired out my eyes mostly closed
I can’t escape the words in my head that clutter about
Screaming
As my pen loses ink
Am I a poet now?
Whenever we suffer a physical or emotional trauma, it is said that part of our soul flees the body in order to survive the experience. With every cut or wound our essence and vitality grows weaker.
Brian Hoffman Apr 2018
My heart was shattered, but the tears keep flowing.

I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.

My trust is gone, and your promises mean nothing.

I don’t regret the past, I just regret the time spent wasted on you.

Everything beautiful always seems to slip away.

All I want to do right now is scream and let all my emotions flow out because inside it’s killing me.

You’re killing me.

Things may never be the same.

I’ll be broken, but only for a moment.

Cause it’s time to leave those feelings behind.

As I come to realize...

You’re not worth it.
You are the only person who cares for you. Winning or losing is the same for you. Take everything easy and with great care. Your worries will stay only with you. You can help yourself more than anybody ever has. Don’t expect anything from life or anybody else. Whatever life gives good or bad accept it. What you are is what you deserve, so learn to be alone. Survive.
Brian Hoffman Mar 2018
How can you find beauty in something so ugly

Because your lies twinkle down my spine
Like sharp rose thorns in the spring time

You’re a rose and I’m afraid of being pricked  

Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive, so gouge out my eyes.
Because if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive.

You’re like the Dead Sea I sink when you are with me

Covering me with sand all over my sunburnt wounds

I used to think you were the resilient hues in the sky bringing out sunlight

But you’re a tidal wave you rip right through me
The tears in my eyes are seen as cold and sad

The darkness of the rain you overcast breaks upon me

Take what you can from me
Take only what you need
A family of trees wanting to be haunted
Control yourself control your needs

Dreaming in the lows, I never thought I'd see this high
Now I'm shooting for the moon, you're calling me a lunar light

Staring at the roots, nobody there to help me grow
I was longing for the rain, you were the flood that made me overflow

You're everything that I hoped for
That's why I gave you my all
You're everything that I prayed for
But you were stolen
Why did everything change?
Everything was ours
Everything was stolen and now it’s all gone

We found the rain, but if we start to peel away the grey
Maybe we're home

When your heart weighs down on my shoulders
And your eyes wide lose me at sea
and your words make a smoldering fire
You are the moon pulling tides over me
Giving me grey notes that sing through the windows

Let’s,
Step out into the wild
There's a beautiful storm in your eyes
We're perfectly intertwined
And if it's quite alright, you could be my way of life

Sea salt sits on your lips
Birds fall earthwards from cliffs
Thought I couldn't do this
But I'm fine 'cause you're by my side

Now where do you go?
Why do you leave?
And as the waves grow in between
Harder the days go
Darling I'm folding
I'm on my knees

You give me nothing
When there's nothing else
So deep the water
But you're hiding in the shallows

And I'm left here drowning out
I can’t keep sinking deeper and deeper in my mistakes. Take me with you I’m tired of feeling like a waste of space. My dreams are filled with you when will you realize. I picture a reality between you and I. But for now I’ll surely sink or swim so deep the water my beautiful friend.
Mar 2018 · 517
The Misguided Soul
Brian Hoffman Mar 2018
And maybe just maybe at that fleeting moment my heart started to grow

How did I never notice at that moment your words truly reached the bottom of my untamed soul

And now everything flows so smoothly

Looking into the sky’s I could hear birds sing and the winds blowing breeze brushing along against the trees

We watch as the light of the day turns into a beautiful starry night

Constellations scattering along you and I

Deeply lost in your eyes

Laid out on the grass we watch time pass

We tell each other our deepest dreams unwinding us from the seams of the blanket we lay upon

But I believe that time is an overrated thing

Yet I narrate the time that you spend with me  

And then it all ends as time tinkers away

We both go our own separate ways

We grow apart like night into day

Like sunset into sunrise with such dismay

Things were so clear with you, but now it’s gone

I’m sorry even when we tell each other our dreams I can’t keep my eyelids shut

You pick me up, but I let you down

And I’ve caught you running through my head again

Trespassing in my mind

You steal all my thoughts away

You do it all the time now
Feb 2018 · 312
I will find myself again
Brian Hoffman Feb 2018
I am a mindless soul.
I wander throughout valleys, & plateau's.
Blindly following the wind.
Dragging my feet to the direction it carries me.

I am a kindred soul.
I run idyllically through the fields of significance.
Sometimes I forget who I am.
And when I do, I feel free.

I am exquisite.
I've somewhat reached my inner divinity.
However, the bold voices in the wind can sometimes misguide me.
When I get lost, I just sit there.

I wait for the wind to guide me again.
When the time comes,
I will know what to do.
And someday, I will guide myself
Jan 2018 · 271
Can all of this just pass?
Brian Hoffman Jan 2018
Each day I live, the pain consumes
What little sanity I have bloomed
Like walking in a cloud of fog
Falling down, sinking into smog

Life just seems grim
I think on a whim
Interest lost in everything I do
But what a life, who really knew?

Depressed to a fault, that all I see
Death just seems like the only way for me
A waste of time, I feel I am
But that's its nature, a full mind jam

I try and try to ease the pain
A fallen effort with no gain
Thoughts begin to eat away
Makes me want to end it today

Uncomfortable around others for the way I feel
I pray and wish this all wasn't real
Life just seems more like a prison
Caged, alone, an abomination risen

No one could ever understand
Why I would want my death sooner than planned
Its not something I want for me
But to end my suffering this is what has to be

So I write this all as I fall from grace
Down to this place, some barren waste
I know not how much longer I will last
But all I can do, is pray that this will just pass.
An older poem of mine. I’ve realized with time things shall pass.
Jan 2018 · 286
Grey
Brian Hoffman Jan 2018
I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don't know what Grey is. I never did.
Some days, I feel everything at once other days, I feel nothing at all.
Jan 2018 · 393
Under Me Under You
Brian Hoffman Jan 2018
Under You..
A place I would love to be...
Beautiful eyes  
that really see me.
Hair falling across my face
as you lean forward  for a kiss... a falling hard taste.
Warm full *******
pressed upon my chest.
Where upon me a greedy
mouth comes to rest.

Under you...
A place I would  
never want to leave...
There our bodies  
will Intertwine and weave.  
Where smooth soft thighs  
are on either side of mine.
Where hips rock and pelvis dips...
Folds are spreading
by hardened tip.

Under you...
A place where desire  
and reality meet..
Bodies meld as one..
forged in sensual heat.
Where wet soft flesh  
wraps and clings..
Caressing my intentions
such hardness it brings.
The sound of love heard
flowing from those lips..
As I ****** over and over
in rhythm with your hips.  

Under you...
The place I need to be..
Under you...
The place where you need me.
I want you to need me like I need you.
Jan 2018 · 212
Sweet Warm Lust
Brian Hoffman Jan 2018
You glow like the light of the harvest moon soft golden rays to fill my starry heart your sweet breath teases my naked skin so warm and moist like a southern breeze your scent the perfume of night blooming flowers your taste salty and tangy like the warm sea air your body trembles at my slightest touch a willow tree, shook by the ***** wind your mossy rise is so dewy and inviting, softly, and seductively, it calls out to me... to kneel and taste your secret delights lost in a vortex of your endless desire as the harvest moon looms overhead and bathes our flesh in it's soothing light.
Oct 2017 · 407
Too right, I'm just a man
Brian Hoffman Oct 2017
You want this
swelling rise of swollen self
that drowns my thoughts
in blood that throbs

the slickest steps always
slip the best
when pressed
hydrant-pressure pulses
In that slow build

You wind around me
tight
as we settle into that fractured time
when I am yours and you are mine

connected  

I growl,
a bear in heat
you squirm and entreat me
to make love to you
treat you like my princess
your ******* scream at you to be
as they graze the cotton sheets

Melded
lubricated to stop the high tension
smoking burn of friction
the slap of your *** as you writhe back
consuming me
***** deep
in your centre

My fingers clasp into your hips
holding the depth
my eyes closed
you smell of lilacs and berries
if they had been slathered in sin
and served up in piping hot lust

you sound like heaven
echoing through my blood stream
the thud of my heart screaming your name

breathe
I command myself to stay with you
as my hands let you ease off of
my ****
you take full advantage  
there on your knees and I am vulnerable
to your slick
to your wet...

(Too right, I'm just a man)

all you needed was an inch of freedom
to rock forwad then slam your cheeky control
back onto me

that slick sound that
unmistakable ***** ******* sound
slops against my thighs

the invite to drive
me into a frenzy
the want  
the need to please
be pleased
freed from thought and reason

Shower me in your lust
soak the sheets
moments before I shower you with mine
the hot splash
on your back
as we lose control together
Brian Hoffman Sep 2017
There is this girl, blonde hair blue eyes.

Her stunning blue eyes get their color the same way water and the sky get their true rich blue color. They scatter light so that more blue light reflects back out.

Her hair shines so bright, as bright as the sun in the sky. Warming my heart during the daytime.

When I look into her eyes,
I see a beautiful ocean, peaceful and at ease.
I see gentleness and her personality coming free.
It's ever so engaging.

I tell her her beauty and personalities flourish.

She's a flower child.

She's the sweetest hippie bringing me peace and tranquility.

Her words can not describe her smile it's so contagious.
It's no wonder why she leaves me ever so speechless.

If I could be with this girl,
I'd do my all to give her the world in which she deserves.
Falling for this beautiful flower child. For once I've found someone who truly understands me. Our personalities and similarities are so alike. I'm hoping she realizes because we've become good friends I want more than that with her in the end. <3
Aug 2017 · 447
Help Them Heal
Brian Hoffman Aug 2017
When fear begins to descend
Like a storm way out at sea.
When you just cannot comprehend
What your future will be.
When everyone around you
Seems trapped in the same boat.
It can take enormous effort
To keep your hopes afloat.

You can make a difference.
You can save a life.
If you open your heart,
If you dare to try
To watch over the world.
Feel the pain people feel.
Share the love in your heart.
Help them heal.

It’s only human nature
To resort to despair.
Forced desperation
When the help just isn’t there.
Takes courage to remember
That patience wins through.
When your hands are tied and there is
Nothing more you can do.

You can make a difference.
You can save a life.
If you open your heart,
If you dare to try
To watch over the world.
Feel the pain people feel.
Share the love in your heart.
Help them heal.

Someone’s always watching
And knows just what you need.
Can seem like forever
When you’re struggling hard to breathe.
When you’re waiting for assistance,
Very soon you’ll learn
That life always finds a way
For hope to return.

You can make a difference.
You can save a life.
If you open your heart,
If you dare to try
To watch over the world.
Feel the pain people feel.
Share the love in your heart.
Help them heal.
You can save a life. Make a difference. :)
Aug 2017 · 347
Spotless Minds
Brian Hoffman Aug 2017
I want the procedure done right away
Erase her from my thoughts, eradicate each memory
I used to believe that you would save me, but as I'm drifting off to sleep
I know that you'll be gone by morning

We laid out on the ice and I'm just exactly where I want to be, I've never felt that
Your impulse to throw me out has caused both our minds to drown in a sea of dying memories

We trace our footsteps back and put our time here to rest but I can't remember anything without you, so when I wake, there will be nothing left

How could I have suppressed the memory of the day we first met?
Please let me keep this one
I want to call it off, can somebody wake me up? I don't want this anymore

I'm holding on to your love but they won't stop 'til it's dead
You and I both know soon it will be over, so we cherish all that we have left

Clementine, I tried to rip you from my mind
Each pray'r accepted, each wish resigned
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot, the world forgetting by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, each pray'r accepted, each wish resigned

I'll find you when I wake and we'll try again
I'll meet you in Montauk my dear old friend
I tried to rip you from my mind. Erase her from my thoughts, eradicate each memory.
Aug 2017 · 385
Lead me to The End
Brian Hoffman Aug 2017
I don't know where time has gone.
My mind blank growing old.
This summer is deceivingly cold.
Would it be bold to take the risk to have and to hold?
I'm drowning deeper keep me under until I'm numb and stone.
Shallowed out drawing ghosts.
Pale white heavenly sung.
Drag me out to the bone.
Take me to my grave stone.
Skeleton hearts are long gone.
Tired of waiting and not being enough.
Tired of the drugs and early mornings hoping I don't wake up.
This safe haven isn't even worth it to me.
The pills will break and destroy **** in and outside of me.
Take me over just give me what I deserve.
Leave me speechless, breath taken without any words.
**** me so well you do it gladly.
It's no wonder I'm going madly.
So here I lay sadly.
Feelings fade and people bash me.
A cigarette burns like ashes to magic.
Whys life gotta be so tragic?
An empty wine glass a broken mirror.
I hear the screams growing closer.  
Shutter shutter stone faced cold cuts going deeper.
In life they say try and get better, well with this life I'm living it's been such a disaster.
No words left pains sinks faster.
Hold me deep keep me underwater.
Drowning underneath the heavy blue lagoon.
Killing me it's no wonder I'm doomed.
When I leave this earth it won't even matter.
Not to you or me.
No one will see.
So why not I'll finally let myself free?
Everyday has been a constant struggle. I can't make it out much longer. Days feel so long and stretched its no wonder I'm stressed. Anxiety, mood swings and depression will be the death of me. The pills will take me and finally I shall be free.
Jul 2017 · 607
I Imagine
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
I imagine.
When I do,
I can only think of you,
How your smile spreads to your eyes,
Making me want to live in the moment forever.
I imagine
That we walk on paths,
Unknown to us,
Filled with fear and excitement,
Winding with happiness that is constant.
I imagine
That we see the dawn,
Bursting with resplendent hues,
And birds soaring in the sky,
Inviting us to hum along.
I imagine
That we break rules,
Do things our own way,
Travel the world,
To leave our traces.
I imagine
A cold summer night,
In your arms,
Watching the stars,
Sitting at the window.
I imagine
The story of us
Has no end
Or beginning,
But continues like the universe.
I imagine
I could fill your heart,
With all my warmth,
So that we know we could be,
Mysterious to this world.
I imagine
And wonder,
What you would imagine,
With a smile extending to my eyes.
Let's break the rules. Run wild and free with me. Don't look back we don't want the world to see.
Jul 2017 · 597
Love yourself and then some
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
Some spend all of eternity looking for someone to have and to hold though it may seem irrational those who learn to love themselves have the happiest souls. I mean maybe it's meant to be to experience yourself as one entity and someone right eventually will come along.
Really working on self love. I honestly hate saying that because I feel selfish in a sense, but I need to take the time to find myself trutly.
Jul 2017 · 785
Sleeping Beauty
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
When I look into your eyes I see a light, it distracts me from time to time because I've never seen beauty so aligned.
The most graceful personality is what attracts me. But your beauty in which I see isn't just outside, but within. :) Stay beautiful.
Jul 2017 · 475
Star and Dust
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
Toy with me like a ******* puppet keep pulling the strings until I'm under the mindset that I'm yours completely.
Read me like the novel that just sits gathering dust on your shelf because you don't read enough. As you tear out pages and pages for your cigarette butts, that coincidentally you got me back into.
My life's a pattern of endless cycles.
I'm happy one day and the next I'm lost because maybe I don't exactly know what to do.
I was just getting used to you.
And it honestly feels like burning for me, how you and others keep burning me on these streets in which we used to skate all night on.
We would stay up late at night waiting for the stars so we could sing our favorite rap songs in my car. Blasting music faster and faster we'd go singing and all.
Driving around because no destination for us was too far. You pushed me away and left me with a scar.
Making little stops on the way to the lonely field where you cut me deep to my gills.
Sometimes good people deal with too much that it becomes draining, was hoping to see the rainbow with us after it stopped raining.
For once I had thought I had someone to get along with, but you ended up becoming mischievous.
You called me a goon and for me that nickname just stuck and unfortunately you became bad luck.
We'd get to your place where we'd stay.
Smoking out of your little ****, then we would lay talking as night quickly turned to day.
By morning we'd rush to work knowing we couldn't sleep away our days. I was hoping for a Summer romance And we'd go out and dance, but you just never gave me the chance.
For me that was enough. Getting to know you and slowly falling harder and harder, but I couldn't take it much longer. As I started to get to know your family and friends, I just thought that would never end. Maybe just maybe if you could just see that I was happy for once and how I wished we could be.
You had me captivated with not just your looks, but your personality so rich and ever so engaging.
I cared for you and trusted you too which I normally don't often do.
It was nice going on dates and sometimes to the bars, I couldn't wait to stay up all night to see the stars.
You'd have me stay the night because we'd drink too much, you even turned out to be my crush.
It mattered that you cared even the  gentlest touch it was nice knowing someone made me feel like I mattered that much.
But then things crumpled and I felt ****** but it turned out I didn't have the luck.
After a nice movie out with my friend I saw you had hit me up I wished I wouldn't have opened up.
Do you even care or give a single ****? Maybe or maybe not.
We went from talking to nothing in a quick blink you ripped me to shreds and I had to clear my head and think. To me it seems like we did rush into this but you turned out to be mischievous.
But
It hurts because I care sometimes a little too much. And all I wanted to do was feel your touch. My friends say well you did it to yourself, but this is the embarrassment that I've felt.  
But didn't we say we had such good luck?
Where's that all go? Why am I here so awfully stuck?
You were a star that I gazed upon but it looks like those days are gone.
The beautiful northern light.
I was in great awe just by your charm, beauty, touch and sight.
You made my life feel easy and my fears vanished like the starry nights we used to share, but now I have to beware.
I guess
The timing wasn't good, but you still told me you liked me which kept my hopes high like the ground we stood.
I finally felt like I was living my life, but something  just ended up not being right.
Dreams fade they say and slowly like the cigarettes we smoke we all die, but this turned out to be a rotten night time sky.
I never thought that we would come to this but here we are, you've left me with a nasty scar.
You were my midnight star I couldn't help, but gaze upon. I found myself lost in you. And then you left now I'm battered and bruised. Thanks for helping me edit my poem homie shoutout to my buddy Dawebb. He inspired me to write something tonight, so that means the absoulute world. This honestly is deep and very meaningful to me so I hope you all enjoy :)
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
So I kinda shake it in order to be alive
Doing my best already for the lost lives
All alone tonight, my vision in science
Doing whatever is amazing to keep me recovering
Where did you move to
All alone I could stand up for a sign
All of your crap and I still show a sign of compassion
Now it’s the day of the broken bones
Still buried alive in the lost points
I can’t favor your stupidity for your own failure sorry guys
So I try to stand without fear
My life is still clear around the beast’s palace
Towards the death room I still jump up for the sign.
Trying to make new friends because I'm slowly realizing who's true and who isn't. This is about some pals I may have to let go. I can't let them bring me down. Glad to have recently met some new great people, I appreciate you all. Thank you :)
Jul 2017 · 293
Lost souls
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
Bring victory to the lost souls
Peace to the ghost laws
what happened to the world? who knows'
On a stary night as I get to sleep, but before I do let's get high.
Jul 2017 · 1.4k
I can't be your Everything
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
We parted our ways
I wanted to go with you
But my chaotic mind pulled me to a different direction.

A hug is now a dream
A kiss is like a star
I see your thoughts like an ocean
I hear your voice like the wind

But I never give up on my dreams
I won't stop reaching for the star
I will take the risk of crossing the ocean
I will hear the wind through my heart

So can you wait for me there in my favorite place the far side of eternal?
I'm sorry for letting go. But I needed time to figure my **** out. Now you're gone and you've moved on. :(
Jul 2017 · 365
Over the Rainbow
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
I found you over the rainbow, In some kind of spectrum glory
Talking colors and how they only matter
When the eyes of the world are closed.
So I kiss you softly as the sun rose, All the yellows, oranges and light.
Hearts some kind of colliding.
Full of spectrum my sunshine.
We fade fast into the daylight.
Late nights with you color my life. You take away the blues and greys and paint me happily brightening my otherwise dull life.
Jul 2017 · 451
Emotional Rollercoaster
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
When you're bipolar you can't really control your emotions. Everything hits you like a wave. And you can't take it all in because it's exactly like being hit by a wave. You panic and try to grab a hold of the ground to keep you from going deeper, but the grip loosens and the next thing you know you're neck deep.
Sinking in the waves is like drowning in my thoughts.
Jul 2017 · 475
Darkest Abyss
Brian Hoffman Jul 2017
I look into your eyes and feel myself drowning
Being lured in with every secret that is revealed
With every promise that is made
I feel as if I will never reach the bottom of your untamed soul.
Your mind is darker than the deepest abyss and as beautiful as the most precious diamond.
I find myself lost gazing into your beautiful eyes. Through the late night talks keeping us alive.
Jun 2017 · 345
High Time
Brian Hoffman Jun 2017
The buzz
The high
Fragile stone shut eyes
Pupils big and wide
Stormy rainy night
Emotionless, but with knowledge of life
Blowing wind like smoke
Words heavenly outspoke
Nights growing dark
But marijuana green like the beauty of nature and the trees in the summers breeze
Won't you smoke with me?
And together see the world the way it should be.
Peacefully.
High like the birds and trees. Wavy like the oceans in a cool summery breeze.
Jun 2017 · 966
Choose me or lose me
Brian Hoffman Jun 2017
I'm not going to be your second choice
While you sleep around with other boys
oh no no

I'm tired of waiting and the wishful thinking
While I'm all alone, And you're out
I'm (dropped) finally starting to head back home.
Heading back fast on these back roads.

I used to want you dear,
to hold me closer oh.
But now we're losing grasp as you sleep around some more.

I'm not a back up plan for you, a second choice
Nobody's number two
When these {other} boys leave
don't come back chasing after me,
I didn't leave you bruised

Oh cause' I'm not a second choice like these fuckboys you're running to
Can't you see what you've done to me. You never
considered
these lies and la-ate nights,
waited on you

I'm driving home so far gone don't dare to Ring my phone because I'm so **** gone oh

And when you're alone
with no where to go
don't come back to me because you had the chance already
to be treated happily.

But it's too late you made your choice enjoy going back to these fuckboys
A little song I wrote sorry it's not poetic. Hope you enjoy. Like she is.
Brian Hoffman Jun 2017
She's a toxic poison worse than the nicotine I let fill and corrode my lungs.
Her beauty, mind and figure ******* away yet I'm troubled and left in such dismay.
Oh how I let her use me over and over.
Weakly my mind is erased and swept underneath me.
Shallowly I drink whiskey to escape the mess I've made.
Escaping from the grasping width she has me constantly tangled and drained.
Use yes use me again, because at least the pain is something I can feel during my days when you're away.
Am I a backup plan while you **** your bitter *** life to a **** shame?  
When you're the only girl I've been getting with is that my sweetest mistake?
You take me for granted and sleep in some other men's sheets that you cause to stain.
While they ******* to far away constellations and I'm miles and miles away.
While all I do when you're here and there is care and try my awfully best to be the man you truly need.
I'm drenching myself in pills at night again because you don't seem to care nor need.
And I've found myself lost within you, but you're never there, even when you are it seems like somehow you're still not around.
It's only when you need me that you seem to care.
But **** me you do have the most beautiful hair. With your radiant smile and honey suckle eyes I'm left in awe and great despair.
Yet I'm taken for granted by you, thrown around like waste that you can just dispose of when you please. You take off to see the other men that arouse you which we do not like to speak.
Each night when you're seeing other men I'm left recklessly on my knees.
I cave in hoping you return or I at least I hear you call to speak.
If you gave me the chance will you see what we could be?
Or am I wasting my time hoping for you and me?
You're toxic, yet so beautiful and tragic. And for me my body feels weak as I bleed on my silk fabricated sheets.
Like the stains you lead on the other men's sheets.
Is this the best we can be?
Deep down in my heart this isn't how imagined it to be.
Sadly I just can't find myself to leave.
You **** me in so disgustingly deep.
Use me like you use me. I'm vulnerably weak. Am I just the backup plan when these other men get bored and leave?
Jun 2017 · 475
Dark Skies
Brian Hoffman Jun 2017
The dark skies of the night are a canvas on which I paint my dreams and imagine us together.
Thoughts always come and go in waves. I'm tired of trying and putting in effort when I receive little back. I'm not a backup plan or second choice. Use me and you'll lose me.
Apr 2017 · 595
Institutionalized
Brian Hoffman Apr 2017
Guarded we were kept in rooms like cages
It felt like prison cells for us to cave in
Screams burning our throats and lungs with spit stumbling out of our tongues in which burned like hell
The constant reminders that it's suppose to heal and help
But medicated up we were and I don't call that any sort of help
Lab rats we were the test
Pills and pills pour out over and over again
Our rooms guarded at night with little freedom we were locked in
And when we were allowed out we were constantly mistreated
For me I was misdiagnosed not once but several times which made me feel so defeated
After a while my mind went bleak and I lost track of time
Day in and day out everyday felt the same and I couldn't break the endless cycle it was a strain  
And being said everyday felt like a constant struggle to get "better"
But how can you get better when you're inside locked not able to see the nice summery weather
From what I remember my roommate clawed the walls like there were chains and shackles on his hands
He tore open his knuckles trying to break free but there was no escaping so we laid in our beds hopelessly
When it came time of night I got to call home I was high
The pills they had me on were not right
So I slowly broke down in my mind
A place to help one heal but it took so much time
I was scared shitless worried that I was finally out of my mind
Because I knew I was not in the right state of mind
One bad slip could have cost me my life
But when I was sent here it was all a lie
My mom told me I was seeing a new therapist, but here I lay institutionalized
The unfortunate Bipolar chaotic mind of mine
Once I was set free I thought I felt fine but
Weeks later sadness and depression yet again overcame me
Some pills and whiskey tried to take me away to heaven which I'll see some other day maybe?
That's when I sent myself back to actually try and learn something this time around I wanted to find my solid ground
At first it was hard because me and the guards watching us all didn't get along  
When I tried helping others there I was shamed for it as if it was wrong
How wrong can it be helping those who hurt and are helplessly unhappy like me
The guards were always pretending they didn't see a **** thing
People cried and screamed on their knees, snorting pills, and cutting themselves with anything they could reach
So broken so reckless so helpless one should pity
When we sat and discussed things in group therapy we were judged and mistreated
But I myself came to learn and grow
So from broken fragments I was able to rise which did feel better than getting high with the people I once called friends that after all this left my side
I didn't let things get to me I sat I listened I spoke dearly
The bullying of others didn't help me along, but I knew I'd get out sooner if I was nice and acted happy and didn't play and edge them along
There were constant fights which I had to split up
Some of the others didn't seem to care nor give a ****
But luckily for me and the few friends I made we worked together to better ourselves and get out of this place we found to be so ******
With the right state of minds we surly flew out of the cages we all grew
One by one we were set free
Hopeless birds we used to be
Bipolar drugs metal hospital fly high
Apr 2017 · 672
Oh April where is May
Brian Hoffman Apr 2017
I woke up to this rainy April day.
Thought I'd hear the birds chirping, but all I hear is rain.

I try to roll out of bed, but I feel so drained.
Why oh why am I in so much pain.

My dogs barking at these men they are fixing our stove, but yet I still feel blank and kinda cold.

Today is just like any other day because of this dreary dark rain.

It keeps me in my depressive state.
When can I have a clean slate?

I'm laying on the couch not wanting to shower. The rain falls as time passes by the hour.

I make breakfast and decide to clean, but then something inside me stops me.

Could this rain not want me to break free? Could all this pain just be inside controlling me?

I'm losing my control of things I need something to change. But I can't do anything because of this lousy rain.

I finally get myself into the shower the rain pours and maybe just maybe will bring me May showers.

I do myself enjoy flowers, but as of now the rain falls and all my petals come off faster and faster by the hour.

While in the shower I feel the warmth cleanse me, but I do not feel all that clean.

The anxiety, depression and mood swings like to daunt me. Like a hopeless child everything seems to taunt me.

When when will I be fully happy?

This endless cycle like the rain in April you'd think would put one at ease. Oh unfortunately not for me.

Steadily I break and lose all my leaves like the giving tree.

But unlike the tree I have been given such grief. Will my chaotic mind ever set me free? Will it ever let me be me?

Will the depression disappear? Will this anxiety finally stop running through me like a tease? **** these god awful mood swings.

I need to find myself some inner peace. Maybe once the sun is near I'll light up, glow and cheer joyfully.

But will that actually make me satisfied and happy?

Will I get rid of the depression and anxiety? Will my mood swings tilt and shift or unravel inside of me? Will I ever be fulfilled and find happiness?

Will the pictures on the walls of my house look like art and less of a mess? These feelings have always found their way inside me controlling my stress.

Will these showers ever pass or when they eventually pass still have me feeling like this will always last?

I feel a breeze the rainy draft.
A gloomy April none the less.

When May comes will I still be feeling any of this?

But I guess for now as the rain falls down in April I wait for May to hopefully find myself again. Peaceful.
Depression Anxiety crummy weather
Apr 2017 · 764
She
Brian Hoffman Apr 2017
She
She
She speaks to me every so freely
She her words flow from her tongue leaving me with chills from my head to my knees
She the one who's understanding and ever so caring when I speak
She listens to me rant on about all the pain that makes me vulnerabley weak
She loves me unconditionally
She has helped me overcome my biggest fears
She has lead me to overcome my bad habits
She the only one to know my constant struggle with depression
She has helped me out when I was a drug addict
She has loved me which has also saved me and inspired me
She believes in me and has faith in me
She like an angel sent from above
She showers me with gratitude warmth and love
She sees all in me and never tests me
She doesn't judge me for being me
She when I'm down in the blues she grasps and cares for me
She knows me and I can comfortably tell her anything
She gets my emotional rollercoaster when I have ups and downs
She doesn't care and constantly helps me turn around the frowns
She doesn't see the beauty within herself
Me but I see past her flaws because shes perfect and leaves me in great awe
Me I could write about her for hours, but words truly are what's in the heart
Me she used to be my beautiful dream and I'd never knew in life I'd be ever become so lucky
Me
I love you angel god bless my miracle
Love for I have found my soulmate
Liv one year and forever counting
Thank you
Apr 2017 · 383
Slipped a pill
Brian Hoffman Apr 2017
You slipped me a pill
And hard I fell

The night you thought I'd never remember
But I remember it so well

How could you put one through this kind of hell?

A lovers lust and spell or was it just a pill? One shall tell

I'll try to tell you from the bits I remember from the girl who brought me hell.

It was a cold march night going to a concert of the favorite band we both liked.

Front row one would think this may as well be the best night of my life.

We danced to the songs we sang almost daily. Shedding tears I thought this night would go so smoothly.

But unfortunately for me after it all is when it all crumbled apart. Torn up she broke my small fragile heart.

We decided after the concert to go a party where we'd meet up with friends and share some drinks.

Little did I know the shot she gave me made me blackout and forget what I had heard and seen.

I do remember bits and pieces and those thoughts every now and then taunt me.

Life sometimes is like one crazy dream.

It was a friend of hers I met the same night I believed would've been the best night of my life. But now this dawning fright awakened after the news I heard rattleed me and to this day still keeps me shaken.

I met him my old "lovers" so called friend. To me he wasn't just a guy little did I know they've been having ***.

But not just *** I find out she's been with 3 other men. And then the pill she slipped me in my shot kicked in.

One drink but little memory left.

9:00am. I woke up almost completely naked with little recollection. In my boxers with goosebumps down my back spine and shoulders.

She was nowhere to be seen, but thankfully her roommates were around.

They asked where she was and all I could say is that cheated. That's all I could remember besides having one drink in which she gave me.

So they filled me in on details like the concert and the other men... that's when my head began to spin.

Almost a year spent with this crazy chick. But she was apparently off getting some other guys *****.

It's one thing she cheated, another though that I was drugged by the girl I thought I loved.

So after I sorted things out with her roommates then left the scene. Deleting all our pictures and ****** memories.

I headed home before I ended it all crazy ***** left me 27 missed calls.

I went to the mall and then broke it off. Tough luck for being a ***** over you ungrateful ---t.
Ex, drugged, mind blown, mentally ******
Brian Hoffman Apr 2017
It's 3:30 am
Every night something is keeping me up
Every night I lay awake thinking...
Is it insomnia keeping me up through the dark dreary nights
Is it my chaotic bipolar mind telling me nothing in the end will work out right
Is it loneliness feeling as if all my friends left and nothing seems right
Or is it jealously where I don't know my place in the world, but everyone else I know seems just fine
I can't find my mind
I can't make the time
The wiring went faulty
I'm out of place
Am I out of my mind?
It's 3:32 am
Continplating on what I should do with this life
Everyone always says things in the end workout alright
But I can't get any sleep at night
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of putting up a fight
And for what cost?
All my feelings and emotions are lost.
Bipolar Insomnia

— The End —