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Brian Hoffman Sep 2020
So shut off the lights and close your eyes
The demons come crawling in
Their creeping deep inside
These shallow thoughts now becoming so vivid during the eerie nights
It’s definitely not alright
Can’t seem to escape them or break the chains they display in your mind
Constantly battling the urge to feel the pain their causing you inside
It’s taking such a toll on one’s daily life  
Missing the bright crystal blue skies in the days we often felt alive
Moods constantly changing like the seasons and in our heads their telling us “trust it’ll be fine”
Can’t seem to shake them in the darkest of times
Can’t seem to break them out of the chains that they live shackling inside
Getting tired and restless it’s becoming so hectic
Don’t sleep well most nights
Should we just slip and let them rip us alive?

-Brian Hoffman (9-13-20)
Brian Hoffman Apr 2019
Ever since you past away I’ve felt numb inside, like part of me has also died. Our friendship was strong and I don’t expect anyone else to understand what you truly meant to me. I remember you telling me the words “you deserve to be the man you’re brought out to be”. It’s just been taking a huge toll on me lately, you were there when I was breaking. We used to sit and talk for hours about all our problems in this crazy rollercoaster of a life. I believe you are the only person who fully understands what I’ve been through and I deeply miss you. I’ve never met someone so incredibly strong in this lifetime of mine. And I pray that you’re in a better place now, but I’m still shaken about how life could have taken you so young. I can barely sleep at night, my thoughts have been so vivid of our deepest memories. I love you and your family. Always in my prayers you are life’s blessing. (3-24-19) rest easy ❤️❤️❤️
P.S I hope in heaven they offer you a lot of places to run because you were always so quick. And please if you can never stop writing poems you’re wonderful.
Not really a poem, but more of something I wrote for an incredible friend of mine that recently passed away. He was one of the most inspiring people I’ve met in this lifetime and I’ll forever love him. It’s been hard because at times I feel like he was the only person who truly understood me to my full attention. I miss him and just want him here with me. At least for a moment so I can tell him how much he meant to me. Keep doing amazing things. And save me a spot in heaven dude.
Brian Hoffman Mar 2019
The words can’t escape me
I’m bending and I’m breaking
I’m holding onto a thin line
Grasping onto the little sanity I have left
Death is always near
There are often times I wish I wasn’t here
Dreams and reality seem to fade
I don’t know what’s real anymore it feels like I’m never awake
Can this all be a dream for goodness sake
Depression swoops in and out of my life and drains me
Anxiety knows exactly how to take me
Deep into this pit of doubt and despair
Wishing sometimes I had an angel to just take me there
See the light on the end of the tunnel that I hold onto so near
This isn’t a poem about suicide so no worries there now, dear
It’s more about how the days used to blossom and now about how I’m feeling numb inside with no one left to care
I mean truly what’s the point in life?
Sick of hearing everything works out right
My bipolar mind can’t make it out tonight
Dowsing myself in pills and whiskey
Hoping for a moment these feelings of guilt slip me
It’s hard when no one truly understands, just hoping one day someone will truly comprehend
I started smoking again to help with the anxiety that haunts my thoughts
But sadly nicotine might be what ends up killing me and I’ll be the one to haunt
Breath a breathe deeply into my lungs corroding my insides
I rather feel the pain from smoking than feeling nothing, but numb inside
**** my bipolar state of mind
Mood swings raging from highs to lows
I can’t chase these demons they sure know how to drown me until I have little room for growth
I’m not asking for pity, but just for someone to hold me for a second or two
I apologize my skies are grey not blue
Tell me it’s okay
That I’ll be okay
I keep reminding myself that I’m not my illness and yet it still taunts me
But how can one truly be themselves when their days are often clouded?
Where is my mind? I’m mentally, emotionally and physically drained
Often jaded
Happiness turns to sadness, sadness turns to anger
I feel bitter
Tired of watching as my life splinters
Here I am left alone hoping the ends near
I miss living my own life. Take me back to the days where happiness and better times didn’t tend to fade away. Tired of feeling drained.
Brian Hoffman Nov 2018
It’s not you’re fault, but my own
I shouldn’t have let you go
My heart just turned stone cold
It was time unfortunately our love was bound to unfold
Two completely different directions we separated slowly, but surely on our own
Each night I lie awake reminiscing about our past experiences
You were my first true heartache
I’m sorry for I have caused the skies to break upon you
Knowing I wasn’t enough eventually I’d ***** things up
You were my only love sometimes it just eats me up  
I can’t change the past, but I hope I can fix the future
I truly do miss her
Breaking every bit every inch of your beautiful untamed soul
We separated as we watched the world around us grow
You once were my whole
Now I’m stuck here tearing up on my bedside alone
I’ve lost true love once not knowing if I’ll find it again
She was my muse everything I needed more than friend
My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it’s surprisingly funny how often they head in your direction. You may be out of my sight, but you’re never out of my mind.
Brian Hoffman Apr 2018
I feel like I’m choking on words
Like the thoughts in my head are there, but I can’t let them out
I can’t let them escape
So I grasp onto the little hope that I have left
But I’m growing old and slowly, but surly letting my emotions unfold
They just cave in
I cave in
I feel like I’m drowning
******* take me push me under until I can’t breathe
Swallowing the water making me a little less empty
Hold me down soon I’ll perish I’m fading out
You all wanted honesty?
I’m drowning completely now
I don’t know what to say most of the time
I hold back until I relapse and feel numb inside
There’s so much on my mind, but people don’t want to hear it most of the time
Often they say they care, but truly aren’t there when I’m dying on the inside
All you see or understand is what’s on the outside
You’re all only there when in need or despair    
That’s why I write because at least the sheets hear me when I’m tearing my eyes out over the pages
Ink bleeds, but better that than me
It would be nice for someone to understand me and appreciate what I have to offer and mean to be
Feeling lost and every so lonely
But lately I haven’t even seen the mirrored self image of myself clearly
I’m lost
I’m blanked out
All the colors of life turning into dark storm clouds
Can you see now as rain trickles down
I need you all now before time runs out
I’m getting tired out my eyes mostly closed
I can’t escape the words in my head that clutter about
As my pen loses ink
Am I a poet now?
Whenever we suffer a physical or emotional trauma, it is said that part of our soul flees the body in order to survive the experience. With every cut or wound our essence and vitality grows weaker.
Brian Hoffman Apr 2018
My heart was shattered, but the tears keep flowing.

I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.

My trust is gone, and your promises mean nothing.

I don’t regret the past, I just regret the time spent wasted on you.

Everything beautiful always seems to slip away.

All I want to do right now is scream and let all my emotions flow out because inside it’s killing me.

You’re killing me.

Things may never be the same.

I’ll be broken, but only for a moment.

Cause it’s time to leave those feelings behind.

As I come to realize...

You’re not worth it.
You are the only person who cares for you. Winning or losing is the same for you. Take everything easy and with great care. Your worries will stay only with you. You can help yourself more than anybody ever has. Don’t expect anything from life or anybody else. Whatever life gives good or bad accept it. What you are is what you deserve, so learn to be alone. Survive.
Brian Hoffman Mar 2018
How can you find beauty in something so ugly

Because your lies twinkle down my spine
Like sharp rose thorns in the spring time

You’re a rose and I’m afraid of being pricked  

Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive, so gouge out my eyes.
Because if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive.

You’re like the Dead Sea I sink when you are with me

Covering me with sand all over my sunburnt wounds

I used to think you were the resilient hues in the sky bringing out sunlight

But you’re a tidal wave you rip right through me
The tears in my eyes are seen as cold and sad

The darkness of the rain you overcast breaks upon me

Take what you can from me
Take only what you need
A family of trees wanting to be haunted
Control yourself control your needs

Dreaming in the lows, I never thought I'd see this high
Now I'm shooting for the moon, you're calling me a lunar light

Staring at the roots, nobody there to help me grow
I was longing for the rain, you were the flood that made me overflow

You're everything that I hoped for
That's why I gave you my all
You're everything that I prayed for
But you were stolen
Why did everything change?
Everything was ours
Everything was stolen and now it’s all gone

We found the rain, but if we start to peel away the grey
Maybe we're home

When your heart weighs down on my shoulders
And your eyes wide lose me at sea
and your words make a smoldering fire
You are the moon pulling tides over me
Giving me grey notes that sing through the windows

Step out into the wild
There's a beautiful storm in your eyes
We're perfectly intertwined
And if it's quite alright, you could be my way of life

Sea salt sits on your lips
Birds fall earthwards from cliffs
Thought I couldn't do this
But I'm fine 'cause you're by my side

Now where do you go?
Why do you leave?
And as the waves grow in between
Harder the days go
Darling I'm folding
I'm on my knees

You give me nothing
When there's nothing else
So deep the water
But you're hiding in the shallows

And I'm left here drowning out
I can’t keep sinking deeper and deeper in my mistakes. Take me with you I’m tired of feeling like a waste of space. My dreams are filled with you when will you realize. I picture a reality between you and I. But for now I’ll surely sink or swim so deep the water my beautiful friend.
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