Never have I come so close.
I tasted the barrel but it was bitter
Baby you don't notice
And I'm so tired
But there are so many promises
So many
Stay here with me
For the end
This isn't the end
But I'm drunk and alone again
There's the rhyme
I've been craving

I might be a devil.
A soul ******* succubus from hell
Coming up to claim my prizes
Fill my goodie bag full of shiny ****** hearts
And pretty little promises
Look me in my face and ask me if I love you
I don't know
I don't know if I have ever loved anyone
The more I stare into my own emotions
The more unclear they become
I don't know that I have ever
Given love that I didn't use for my own vain agenda
To build myself up into this beautiful crystal castle
Looking down on everyone
Who I claim to put above myself
Is it love?
Or is it slavery?
Am I a saint?
Or am I a ghost?

I waited
20 weeks
38 weeks
177 weeks
And I still loved you
Because it came as naturally as breathing
And who but us could understand
The waiting

He asked me once
Why I loved him
I had so many answers
But instead
I told him that I didn't mean to
Love just happened
The way love is supposed to

You are the smoke in my lungs
The whiskey in my glass
A full pack of cigarettes
And a half empty bottle of wine
You are all the things that I love
That are destined to **** me
*I want to taste you

They say that you were an angel
Who just wanted to go home
I say that you were broken wings
That forgot how to fly

*The Suicide Diaries

Things have changed
Instead of going to bed early
So that Santa will bring me presents
I'm up all night
Dwelling on the reasons why
If he was real
I would wake to find coal in my stocking
Seasons greetings I say
To my regrets of the past year
As they sit wrapped in pretty ribbons
Waiting to be put under the tree

It's that time of year again
I hoped that no one would ever be
As wary of the season
As frightened of it as me
The loss of life is treacherous
The pain of it never ends
Whether it was someone you once knew
Or one of your closest friends
I'm so sorry to everyone
Who felt this loss today
I'm sorry for this season
I wish it hadn't gone this way

See the wildest part isn't
That I know you
Still read this


And you
Are lying in bed next to her
And I



LOVE her.


She is the absolute sweetest
Cutest
BEST

For you.
But you baby


Are falling asleep thinking
About me



Because I went home with him
And you with her
But eventually
We'll find out way back to each other


I miss you
And you miss me
And you have a baby
And I'm a ****


But I ******* love you
And I had a dream last night
Where you kissed my face
Come find me
We don't have to tell anyone
I'll feel you
I love you

I gave you three seasons
But Autumn wouldn't have us
Or rather, you would no longer have me.
In turn, it became my safe Haven,
Autumn.
Needless to say,
Winter has smiled upon us quite early this year.

I told my love of 8 years that his dad shot his step mom and then himself today
And I feel selfish for not being okay
We haven't been together for almost 6 months now
And it's his tragedy through and through
But I love him
And it's not that I want him to need me
It's that I want to go to him
And hold him
And let him be whatever he needs to
But he hasn't asked me to come
And I'm spiraling
Hard

I love you sweetheart. I'm so sorry. But he's gone. I'm so sorry baby. I can come to you if you need me.

When I imagine
What it's like to die
I think back to when I was three
And I compound fractured my arm
Falling off of a horse

You had your truck
But we were close to home
So you scooped me up
And you ran all the way there

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

That might have been the only time
You ever said you were sorry


I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

I just know
That if there's anything after this
Maybe even if there's isn't
After my last breath leaves me
That's what I'll hear

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

Because I hear it
Now
In the dark

I'm ******* terrified.
If I lose you then the sun won't rise again.
I love you.
Three years later and I'm taking this chance.
I only hope that God gives me the strength,
To love you like I want to.

I am left gasping for air again
Laying on the ground
With a cigarette between my lips
Because the only way my lungs will open
Is with a cloud of smoke
My heart is obsessed with self destruction
Because it is my body that wants to die
Not my mind
That's the thing about depression
It's a deadly state of being
Not a troublesome emotion
Thank you Marlboro for giving me another day
You'll **** me slower than trying to breathe on my own

All these kids tryna **** me
But they come in at second best
All these kids tryna love me
Guess you gave me a complex

What is there left to say?
I've run out of tears
I've run out of pain
Two long years you've been away
What is there left to say?

*The Suicide Diaries

Soft kisses
           Against
                   hesitant lips
Turns quickly too
              Hair pulling
                    *followed by 'i'm sorry'
then-suddenly it was love
             And I had no idea-how
                         too escape 'it'
but ****-painted, panted promises
            Are useless during
                        day lit seconds
Do not leave me beggin' for more
                 I could have destroyed you
      *instead, for you. I came - undone

Daddy.
You've been gone over a year now.
And I call on you all the time.
They tell me you've seen my successes.
But you're always on my mind.
I miss you and it keeps get harder.
Because I can't seem to get smarter
Tell me to make the right choice
The thoughts on my head have your voice
I miss you
Mom told me the truth today
You left me and I can't find a way
To rationalize
Your Demise
Tell me it'll be ok

******* Kid.
You are the only one.
The only one who could **** away
All the times he touched me
And I didn't want it.

You.
Are the only one who could grab me by the throat and I wouldn't panic

You. Baby.
Are the only one who could make it better. Make it go away.

You

Are busy elsewhere and I'm a grown woman ashamed of *** with no way out, and you are ******* the hottest ***** I know.

I had it bad for YOU though, baby boy.

Maybe I never really loved you
But I watched "The Office" with you
Even though I'm not one of the people
Who gets "The Office"
So I definitely really loved you

How do I tell you
That I miss your hell fire?

Cigarettes in the middle of the night
Wine by campfire light
Lakeside loops
Hula hoops
You were the whiskey in my Dr. Pepper
My now until forever
We walked through the darkness as a pair
I still make our drive but you're not there
I miss you

I'm just so tired
Of being so hurt all the time
I just want to be left alone
No more friends
No more lovers
No one to hurt me

I used to be so afraid of being alone
Now I crave it like a drug

Just let me be

Has anyone else called you by your real name in bed. . . ?
Asking for a friend

Everything is terrifying and uncertain and I just want my daddy

. . . Ouch . . .

Depression feeds on difficult situations
That doesn't mean if fades when living should be easy

You have a failure for a wife
But I will always love you so

That girl
Knew
KNEW
That I was a threat
She scented it a mile away

Unlike the girl I spent the night with
Promising
That we were only friends

We could do better baby
You could hold me
Secretly
Nightly
Mostly


Hold me
Nightly
Baby
Today
And tomorrow
And today
And tomorrow

I wish to God
That I could go back
And find all of the moments we shared
So I could read over them
Like a familiar and favorite book
So that maybe
I could find me again

My love
I don't know why the universe
Blatantly refuses
To let us face something together

"We need to talk."* you say, "Give me twenty minutes of your time, you owe me that at least."
That sounds a lot like leaving to me,
But I could just be getting my hopes up.
The other night I strayed from you.
I'll never tell you,
But he was pure and I had to ruin him.
Just like I did you so long ago.
I fell asleep in someone else's arms.
I swore I would never do that didn't I?
You learned long ago that my promises dissolve in the rain.
I love you.
Don't get me wrong.
I love you very much.
Too much.
So much that this is difficult.
I won't miss it at first,
But I will later.
Go on ahead, Love.
Leave me.
We'll be okay.

It's you
Drenched in sweat
Face pressed into my shoulder blades
Taking heaving breaths
Laced with I love yous

I solemnly swear not to hurt my own feelings

These days
When I think of you

It's that black sweater with the sleeves pushed up

This is the love
That old drunks in bars
Wrote songs about losing
And played on weathered guitars
With shaking hands
And empty eyes

This is also the love
That gathers whole families
To celebrate 50 years
Of good mornings
And I love yous

And we, my darling, are
So blessed to have the choice
Of which kind of love
It's going to be

The first time I get a proper look
At the tattoo playing peek a boo
Along your ribcage
My eyes might see it first
But I'll read it with my tongue

Why do I always look back to you
When nothing about US made sense
How is it that so much later
You cross my mind
And I'm still jealous
Of the life you built with someone else
Even though I'm living mine
And I'm fine
And I don't want you
I swear

here you will find me naked
   without all my layers
                   of long silences
or calm reassurances
                                                         here
            you will find me confessing
       to Each and every
                   secret that could've just as easily been a lie

                          HERE
          YOU will find ME
More bare
             laid out in front of you
    honest and wild than when
                    we made love with the curtains open in the early morning before you went to work and I went to sleep



here
i am
                       How Dare You
               Look at me
                              out of
     Jealousy
   *mistrust
           *Fear

Anger like thunder
Tears like rain
Shaking the ground
I'm a hurricane
I try even breathing
I scream and I shout
As hard as I try
I can't let it out
Nothing lasts forever
Except pain and despair
You know and I know
That I'm a nightmare
Lover take shelter
Find safety in midst the storm
Because I'm made of hell fire
But at least I'm warm

I spent so much time
And energy
Dragging your lifeless body
Up the cliffs of hell
That when we found the surface
I couldn't drag myself over the ledge
And you left me there
Now
On the surface
After my time to rest
You won't look me in the eyes

I fought so hard to save you
Burned my fingers on the hot coals
Of loving you
Yet
You deprive me the chance
To dance with you on the surface

Congratulations you ******* *****

. . . Maybe if I learn . . .
. . . . . . . Another language . . . . . . .
. . . . From a different time . . . .
. . Meant for different people . .
. . . . . I could write us . . . . .
. The love story we could have had .

There's a giant gaping hole in my life.
I don't know where it came from.
I don't know how to fill it.
I drink myself stupid and smoke myself to sleep.
Cigarettes fill my lungs but my heart is missing a beat.
At first I thought it was you but it isn't.
I want to text someone.
Say something! For the love of god please. Please say something
I can't find the number.
I can't find the name.
I don't know what's missing.
How can I miss something so much and have no idea what it is.
Help me. I need someone to help me.
I'm scared that I'll forever be incomplete.
Searching for the missing piece that I had.
That I didn't even know I lost.
What am I missing?
*What am I missing?

What am I today?
Am I sadness?
Am I longing?
Am I regret?
Who am I today?
Am I a lover?
Am I a mistake?
Am I everything?
Where am I today?
Am I with you?
Am I on your mind?
Am I running?

What's wrong with me?

Why do I cry sometimes,
Then cry harder when
I don't know why I
Was crying in
The first place?

Why do I look at him
And love him more
Than anything in
the whole world
Then slip away
While he's asleep?

Why do I wake up
And close my
Eyes again because
I don't want to
Live anymore but
I'm far too afraid
To actually die?

Why am I depressed
So much so that
I no longer feel
Anything but the
Cold that lingers
Outside of my
Window promising
Another winter all
Alone surrounded
By Christmas and
Hot-Chocolate filled
Kisses full of love?

Why am I sad
And wishing for
Love that never
Would have gone
Anywhere but down
Hill for everyone?

Why don't I
Love him like
I want to
Instead of promising
Things that I
Can't really make come
True for us?

Why am I so broken
That I can feel pieces
Of me floating
Around in my chest
Scraping against my
Ribs and trying to
Free themselves from
The darkness that
Hides inside me?

What's Wrong With Me?

I'm waiting for the moment when your lips taste like sugar again
When the scabs on my lips heal
The ones you left when we were on fire

I'm waiting for the moment when you let me breathe again
When I hate you again
So much that I fall back in the flames

******* me won't fix you but we can pretend
Get a fistful of hair
Arch my back
Watch me bend
Making you feel powerful
Makes me feel valuable

Did you have a bad day?
Tell me about it while I kiss your neck
There's no better way to solve it than with ****
Are you sad? Show me.
Own me. Control me.

Slap me while you do it
If that will help you work through it
Bruise me. Abuse me.
Any way to make it go away
Use me


Give it to me I can take it