It begins as a beige cylinder
Atop a slightly smaller beige cylinder
Upheld by a flat foundation
A beige circle
Equal in size
To one side of the smaller cylinder
Spin spin spin
With gentle fingertips
Until I reach 3/4 of an oval
Attached to the larger cylinder
Instead of closing on itself
It fuses with the wall
Melting into one piece
Speckled with black scrapes
And brown stains
Proof of its use
In ways intended by its creator
And maybe a few that weren't

When I think about you and him
My stomach turns to lead
Coated in poison
Tearing apart my insides
As it falls downward
Fast.

I forgot how jealous I can get
After years of not feeling much of anything
And I hate how it feels because I know it’s not ok;
Your past is a part of you
And I think you’re perfect the way you are.

But when I think of how he hurt you
When you loved him unconditionally

How he hit you
When you were nothing but kind;

How he left you
Alone and broken

Twice

I am no longer jealous
I’m ******.

White screens through teary eyes
Trying hard to show him the light.
But I'm afraid I'm too late
And too weak to beat fate.
And if he dies tonight
I don't know how I'd fight,
How I'd keep on going
Without our friendship growing.
So I pray to whoever listens
Please keep strength with him.
Give him the will to go another day
And then again tomorrow until he stays.
I can't make it through this on my own
I love him, please don't leave me alone.
Until the end, I'm along for the ride
Even if it ends in two suicides.

Day dreams of us
Tangled in white sheets
Your arms wrapped around me
My lips pressed firmly against yours
A pause for air and I breathe you in
Minutes pass like seconds
Our time is always fleeting but
Every moment with you has me awe struck

I'm grateful for this and for you
Your energy holds me to the ground
Wrapping into my own like puzzle pieces
Two hearts with the same beat
We move together as one
Rhythmic, yet so unique
Everything is quiet but us

When I saw you for the first time
I knew you were special
The first day we hung out
I knew I would fall for you
And the descent was unbelievable
Our connection magnetic
Unexpected and magical
I can't help but regret nothing

I don't know if you realize that
In so many ways I am yours
I belong to me but
My heart has been locked and
You have the key
I give in to the intensity and
Embrace the complications
Face the fears that can hold me back
Because nothing and no one
Can change how I feel for you
How incredibly gay you make me
And how right it feels when I'm in your arms

This love is unexplainable
And it's depth undeniable
Thank you for being you
And taking a chance with me
You mean the absolute world
And I love you endlessly

One day I'll come back for you
Break down the walls and bring you home
No locks can hold this love back
I'll go through the window if I have to
We could try to leave quietly
But I want the world to know our love
We're a force when we're apart
Imagine that power together
Everyone will have something to say
But I only care about you
They'll think we've been here before
But they have no idea
Our souls have known forever
Just waiting for us to see
Since the day that we met
You're forever a part of me

Can you really know me
If you don't know the darkness I've seen?
If you don't understand
Why it's so hard for me to sleep?
Or how I have to fight back tears
When I hear someone yelling?
Can you ever truly see me
If I don't show you what's behind me?
The childhood trauma boxed up neat
Until it spills across the floor of my insides
I keep the doors locked mostly
But locks don't prevent earthquakes
And sometimes, the ground shakes and
Frees memories to pool and suffocate
I've thought about speaking them but
Something inside says it's not bad enough
That no one will understand or see me
They'll just judge me as weak
"I'll give you something to cry about"
Hurled at a traumatized body

I don't want you to see me
Because you could call it sensitivity
And overlook the senseless violence
That comes with surveillance, intimidation
To share this pain is too risky
Because so much of it is crazy-making
I can take a punch no problem
It's the other stuff that broke me deeply
Expectations perfectionistic and unrealistic
Task repetition into sleep deprivation
Fear flooding my system so entirely
I chose to **** myself over interrupting her
Every week she made me grab the scale
No matter the result, I know I'll fail
If I gain weight then I'm lazy trash
A decrease? muscle weighs more than fat
And when she found out that I hated myself
She had the nerve to act confused
Asking if I know that I'm beautiful
Like I should love this body that could only lose.

She controlled everything
From how I wore my hair
To the clothes on my body.
Forced to speed walk around the park
I was so afraid of her and her rage
I never told her people made fun of me.
She made every decision
Not only what I ate
But how much too.
I'd learn to eat fast like she wanted
Trying to finish what she gave me
It didn't matter that it was too much.
Despite my attempts at compliance
I often threw up before I could finish
And she'd scream about that too.

In the mornings at home I'd wait in dread
To see who would come to get me
Whether my mother or she were driving.
With her, the entire ride home
I had to recite Everything I did at home
Starting over at any detail missed.
From snacks to bathroom breaks
Over and over I repeated and forgot
Never able to remember it all like she could.

Sometimes neighbors were concerned
Picking fights, they'd bring me up
With pride she'd say I'm just like her.
From love to hate she'd shift
Moods vacillating so fast
It'd give anyone whiplash.
Once a neighbor reported her for hitting me
But the police knew of neighborhood feuds
No one ever asked me about it.

I learned to move around silently
Rushing to get outside the house
Before she could wake up and yell at me.
She'd scream so close to my face
I'd be showered in her spit
Trying to stop the tears from betraying me.
I'd watch two grown adults fist fighting
Being threatened not to cry
And failing anyway.

A no phone rule meant forced isolation
When I brought my iPod in my backpack
She stole it and never gave it back.
School was solace in those weeks
And I'd try to lose myself in reading
Anything to escape experiencing reality.
Sometimes she sent me to sleep very early
Other nights she kept me up well into the morning
Redoing tasks until she deemed it done right.
Alone in bed at night
I'd stare into the glowing clock
Counting down my time
Consumed by shame
And the deepest desire to die.

So can you really know me if you never see
That this is the history that haunts me
In the face of insanity there is no winning
So what's the point of it being seen?

Feet poised and legs steady
I can feel the fibers of a tightrope beneath.
I can hear water,
As waves of anxiety splash against jagged walls,
Echoing up from under me.
Sometimes I wonder if the water is rising
But thoughts like that will **** my focus.

It happens sometimes,
Where my knees shift and
Buckle beneath me,
Rope burn ripping across my bare skin,
My hands searing as I grasp this thin lifeline.

By the power of luck and determination
I raise and right myself again.
My muscles are tingling and I beg them to still.

I know this doesn't feel like safety
But
At least I'm out of the depths.
The depths of erratic emotions.
The depths of pain.
This sea of fear flows ruthlessly.

She will consume me with no hesitation
Inhaling me deeply
Where, within her,
I am blind and
The only sounds are
Raging train cars,
Eradicating all else.

Up here I am not safe
But I know I am stable
So long as I am focused,
Deliberate in my movements,
and
Mindful of my thoughts.

Above,
The sky is unapologetically blue,
Reflecting back a childlike innocence
That lives somewhere inside that sea.
The air is gentle and calm,
Holding space for peace within my lungs.

One day I will learn to float
Because
Some days I can hover,
Just above the ragged twine,
Embraced by a limitless sky.

I am weightless and without fear
For those moments, I am painless
In those moments, life is breathtaking
And while I would love to always feel free
I know, right now,
Balance is all that I need

Away into the night
A lost soul wanders alone.
Guided on her path
By the sweet glow of the moon.
Pretty girl, so fragile in the dark
Bravely makes her way forward;
On a mission to find her heart.
The air is cold,
Spring has yet to come.
Her bare feet meet the ground below,
As she and the world become one.
Time is nonexistent,
In this world of little light.
As if everything has stopped,
And for once, it's all alright.
What she seeks,
She will soon come to find.
As she approaches the river,
She sees her body in water's bind.
Now this comes to little surprise,
and it strikes no sense of fear,
Because now she is nonexistent.
At rest, forever here.

Less than a year now
The count is spiraling down
Soon we'll be gone
Far out of this town.

You never really see
How little time we really hold
Until it's lost
And we've long since grown old.

I thought I'd have no one to leave
Besides those in my family
Then he said those words
"I'm gonna miss you guys like crazy"

Why'd you have to go and make this worse?
Give me more reason to dread our escape
As much as I hate the people of this place
My heart will still be bent out of shape.

I can't help to feel anger
Towards those who said growing up would be fun
Our parents warned being a grown up would ****
But still society poisoned the minds of the young.

And now here I am at 17
Senior year and college plans
A dead bank account and my very best friend
And we're facing the challenges hand in hand

We're scared as ever
Leaving our family and our world behind
To be off on our own
And no longer within parents bind.

Through hell's flames and god's rage
We swam our way through the burning insanity
Your wavering patience and lasting perseverance
Engulfed the darkness in an icy flame
Pushing us forward and uniting our strength
Darling you are everything
From the air I breathe to
The shooting stars I see so constantly

I will slave forever to accomplish your forgiveness
Though I will never comprehend how you'd willingly release it
But i promise you I am yours
Because your unnerving energy pulls me in to where
I begin to question everything
But you are worth every possible risk:
My heart belongs to you
and it will not be missed

Spinning, spinning
Your minds losing its control
Her face, her touch, her laugh
All these memories reeling
Through your consciousness
You can't stop them

The knife lies on the table
Silver reflecting your tear stained face
You think you can stop it all this way
One twist of the blade and everything's ok
Just think of those you'd leave behind
Your mother, father, sister, brother
A friend, a nephew
Who will grow up never understanding what you did
What an example to set for the youth surrounding you

Now I'm not trying to criticize
Because I've been there a million times
But it's not worth your life
Time will resolve your problems
And if you **** time
You may just **** those you care about most

Hands over my ears and my eyes are clenched, there's too much noise.
Head on knees and knees to chest, my body wants to absorb itself.
I'm surrounded by screaming, and it's my own voice, myself from a time before.
"No"
More than anything
"No."
My heartbeat expels all of the air from my lungs, and they won't fill back up
But I am still screaming.
It's as if snakes are slithering across my bare chest, and my eyelids burn as I lock them tighter.
There is no way out of this, but it feels too big to survive.
Now along with "No," the voices are screaming "Run."
A command that echoes through every cell in my body.
Every hair is on end, every nerve is alert.
My muscles ache to move, as my heart pours blood through every limb.
But I am still frozen,
Tangled in a heap of myself on the ground.
Since my body has failed me, my mind bears the weight.
Speeding through every option, every possible source of control
Slamming sharply into blame.
Because if this is your fault then I can walk away
I can leave you, thinking I'm free from the pain.
But this isnt your fault; this isnt you.
My fear is my own and leaving wont change that.
It's my voice that says you'll leave.
Mine whispering that I dont matter.
The voice of a terrified child with no control, The erratic and panicked thrashing of a traumatized brain.
My thoughts are a symphony of terror and understanding,
Fear, and the awareness of it.
I want to build connection with this brain inside mine.
So I will sit here and listen as she screams.
Absorb the bullets of fear and shame, aimed at myself.
I will hold space for this neglected part of me.
I will honor the part I have always blamed.
It isn't her fault, and her truth isnt mine.
And although I feel everything,
We both deserve peace.

Sitting in this dark room
Running from my own darkness
Drowning out this fear and pain
With cold liquor and burning nicotine

Anxiety is spiraling through my veins
And the alcohol tames it for a minute
But then again I'm drinking alone
And that itself is dangerous

My clean arms are taunting me
Begging me to stain them red
With my own hands
To coat them with my own demons

I've been clean awhile now
And I've been doing well
But some days I'm not so sure
Because the knife is always a few feet away

How do you **** something inside yourself?
How do you escape your own feelings?
I know it's unhealthy
But these substances make it easier to deal

I'm not sure I'm ready to lose the love I feel now
But I don't know if I can let go of you either
I wish we could compromise
I wish it wasn't all or nothing for you

Even if I left them
You and I would have to start over
Are you ready for that?
Am I?
Can I guarantee monogamy forever
Or will it all fall away again?

It took a few months
Before I knew I was ready
Once, I wanted you to touch me
But after the physical excitement faded
I knew I needed more time first
It's the longest I've waited
I needed to know how I felt about you
Before *** interfered with that
It wasn't about physical gratification for me
Though my body appreciated it too
I knew I wanted to share that intimacy with you
To be vulnerable in the the barest of forms
I wanted to give you all of me
Emotionally and physically
It felt different in the best way
And I still don't know what to call it
"*******" is too emotionless
"***" is too
But "making love" is too odd a phrase for me
But it could've been
Before, I was scared
(another first)
But in the moment I wasn't
Kissing you felt natural
Without the pressure of hyper-sexuality
It felt real and raw
Unlike anything I've had before
It's always been too physically focused
I'm used to the roughness
Used to the pleasure in pain
But you were so gentle
It felt different but I loved it
Because it was so you
Your touch and your heart
Gentle, kind, genuine, good
The things I'm usually into
I can't say I want to do with you
Because even though they're good and consensual
They may come from a place of darkness
And I wouldn't want to taint your gorgeous light

I find it funny
That you don't take me seriously
Until these words
Stain your phone screen
I feel that though
Because I could say anything
But if I write it then
You know it's real

I'm like a curse
A walking parasite
Latching onto various people
Until it gets to be too much
And then I move on to the next

That's how they see me at least
They don't realize the humanity within me
They don't see the tears
The anger
The pain
When someone loses me
I lose them too
I don't just happily move on
I feel the searing sting
Tears burning scarred skin
Wishing I could be what they needed
But I never am

They say I don't know what love is
"If you love someone, you don't leave"
I hear you
But I disagree
You were hurting
And I was hurting
We both still feel that pain
But "us" is impossible
Regardless of feelings
Regardless of love
I'm learning to live for myself
So I can stop hurting those around me
Because you deserve better than that

You're right, I didn't try hard enough
But I was suffocating
And the distance didn't help at all
Yes you're unhappy now but
At least you have a chance to move on
I couldn't give you forever
I couldn't give you stability
I am unpredictable
"Curve *****" you called them
Fluid feelings aren't made for forever

Maybe I don't know what love is
Or maybe I express it differently
We were good once
And I'll hold on to those memories
But we're nothing but toxic now
And I don't know what to do with that

I'm walking to therapy
The sun is hot on my black clothing
I feel calm as i let my mind wander
I wonder what I'll talk about today
I could discuss my relationship
Since its been a bit rocky lately
Or I could talk about harder stuff
Like you
I could talk about you

Just the thought dries my lungs out
Takes my breath away from me again
You're always doing that
The buildings around me feel taller now
More suffocating, closing in around me
And the office, I can see is just 2 blocks down,
Suddenly stretches like a band
Pulling further away from me
With a tension that makes me dizzy
Its like im walking down a tunnel and
The soles of my shoes feel like boulders
Weighing me down, throwing off my balance
I don't want to get there now
I no longer feel real
Thoughts of you change everything
I don't want to talk about you
And that's exactly why I need to

I can't give you what you need
When I'm 40 miles away
But I can give you my love
If you're willing to wait

One day, some day
We can lie stress-free together
Without worrying about departure
And we can stay that way forever

I'm scared of all these feelings
Overwhelming and without control
I absolutely adore you
And I know it may be more

You're so perfect to me
From your smile to your laugh
The way your brain drives you insane
Still makes my heart lose its grasp

You're so hard to read
And that makes my heart freeze
But I guess I have to trust you
And that's just fine by me

I am reading your truth
Screaming across a bright screen
You don't know I'm here
I like to check in on you sometimes
You write a lot of death
Suicide and depression
These feelings are new for you
Unfortunately we can relate now
But those poems hurt my soul
Sending scathing bullets through my chest
I did this to you
How could I?
I wish it hadn't happened this way
You didn't deserve that pain
You still don't

You also write poems of love
Though still laced with that pain
You've met someone new
You're afraid
I understand that
I've done the same recently
It's ironic really
We're both afraid to love
Afraid to get hurt again
But I'm also afraid to hurt someone
Like I hurt you
It ***** because I know
You finally understand me now
But you only do because
I am the reason you're afraid
The reason you write what you do
The reason you write at all
I am the darkness inside you
The nightmares that haunt you
I'm sorry

You fell in love with me
And the darkness encasing my soul
You thought you held me
But my demons were always there
So when I ripped your nails from my skin
As I left your life
The darkness pooled around you
Absorbing into the holes in your heart
Stealing your control
And leaving you
Lost
Alone
And broken
Like me.

When I think of being in love
It's only ever you
When I listen to gay love songs
You always come to mind
The one I want to kiss
The one I want to cuddle
The one I want to talk to forever
Even when we should be sleeping
You mean everything to me
And that's hard to admit most days
Even when it's hard
Even when **** hurts
It'll always be you

I crave to build a home
But I push everyone away
I want to set up a foundation
But every time I set it ablaze
I want something ethereal
But I ruin everything I touch
I want what doesn't exist
But I keep ignoring the rough
I want to stop running
But it's like I'm stuck on repeat
I want to give up
But I also can't stomach defeat
I want to let go of this life
Some days just feel like too much
I want you to "love" me
But I know even that won't be enough

Breathe in
Breathe out
I feel the presence of the universe
Sitting silently
Legs crossed
I am exactly where I am meant to be
Pure energy enters
The negativity flows away
Slowly breaking away my anxiety

Trans
Enough?
I am
Trans,
Am I
Enough?
Others
Accept me
I've experienced
Little
Rejection
Not like
Others have
Yet
I
Still
Feel
Like I
Am Not
Trans
Enough

I told myself if I became you
I'd sooner **** myself than live that way
But here I am, evaluating my decisions
And they're disgustingly representative of my genetics
The pull in my heart gets heavier
As I wait out each slow-passing day
To see when I'll have the courage
To finally say **** it and pull the trigger

Twisted thoughts
In a demented reality
Everything that's 'normal'
Holds to a sick analogy.
A happy thought to some
Is much different in here;
An ambiguous picture
Turns to that of pain and fear.
It's as though no one can get in
As can nothing find a way out.
Words cannot explain
All the things it thinks about.
So call it what you want
And curse it as you may
But just keep in mind
This predator always catches its prey.

I was born with a seed in my heart
It came from both of my creators
Just a piece of dust
Undetectable by any doctor
And that was ok.

At 12, strangers watered that seed
I knew I felt different than the other kids
But I didn't know about the tree
that began its adventure inside me
I didn't see it coming

Over the years,
With water and heat
The roots clutched to my insides
******* the life out of my bones
And crushing my organs to dust

The physical punishment
The emotional tolls
The years of debating whether to run or stay
Added fertilizer to keep this creature from dying

I sought love from boys
Trying to **** it with a drought of positive emotion
But they only changed the soil
Because I couldn't find the love I needed
So instead the trunk began its ascent

And then he came along
Someone who truly loved me
Someone I prayed desperately to love
But I couldn't
And he didn't love me

As a "friend" he destroyed my perception of my body
As a "lover" he destroyed the entire thing
Every instance budding new branches
That intruded my lungs
Burning a hole in my chest with every breath

Year after year
Scar after scar
What started as a seed
Sprouted into an enormous tree
Spreading throughout my entirety

The rustling of leaves in my brain
left me awake for days at a time
The roots pumping poison into my stomach
leave me physically ill without a cure
The rough bark rubbed my insides raw
and made me irritable and angry

But I could not cut it down
Or even trim it anymore
The seed lodged into my heart,
A predisposition for depression
Could not be changed
Cannot be changed
And now the disease is too deep to cease

So instead I carve into my skin
Hoping to reach the bark
Enough to make the pain more tolerable
To make some space to breathe
And the medicine that should destroy it from the inside out
Simply prolongs the process
Because it grows more every day
And one day it could **** me.

I think of you a lot
Though not in the way I used to
Before
I'd be much more be preoccupied with sadness
Even about happy memories
But now it's a lot of anxiety instead
Anxiety about wanting to talk to you
But not knowing what to say
Deciding on the general idea
But getting hung up on the tone
And in every text I do send
I am rereading every individual word
Trying to ensure that I don't
Come across as too invested or
Overstep some invisible boundary
Because I don't trust that I can do that
Without hurting you or
Making you want to run away
And athough someday you wont be in my life
I'd rather it not start today

Our smiling faces plastered across my phone screen
Looking back now, I can see the facade
I can too easily distinguish
Those smiles that were real from the ones as fake as the heart I gave you
I feel slight sadness when I see your face
We were together for two years
But they were full of confusion and lies
And I'm genuinely sorry for that
You deserve better than that
Better than me

And then there's the more recent breakup
I didn't even look at the pictures before I deleted them
And I'm sorry I'm so heartless
But we really shouldn't have happened
I wasn't ready to date again and
I didn't know me
So how could I expect you to understand?
But you were good, we just weren't meant to be
I regret it only because I hurt you so much
And I know you're still hurting
I'm sorry I wasn't the one
And that I can't help you anymore

Now, I look at the only picture I have with my love
And I imagine staring at it if we were to ever split
It breaks my heart to even consider it
This is real love
This is the most genuine feeling I've ever felt in my life
Because I love you more than words will ever explain
And if you chose to leave
My entire universe would crumble beneath me
My feet would fall between the crumbling rock
Breaking my legs as I slip down
Until I'm stuck in a lonely abyss
And I hate to admit how strongly I feel
And how much I truly crave forever
Because my past is full of skeletons
And I know I deserve to hurt the way I hurt them
But you are nothing shy of perfect
The brightest light I've ever had the privilege to witness
And how you love me
I'll never know
But I will revel in every second
Because you are the stars
The moon
The entire galaxy
To me

It's cold by the bedroom window
So close to my bed
I remember this time last year
We moved this same bed
Away from the cool screens

I remember
When you balanced on the love seat
To reach the air conditioner
And to cover it with plastic
To prevent the breeze

You were so good to me
Taking these precautions out of love
And I went and destroyed what we had

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out
Losing my mind at the thought of you
The thought of us
With your family
With mine
Either way we were happy

Those old pictures show true smiles
And now my heart feels empty without you there to fill its shadows

After work I keep daring myself to drive down our old block
To see the lights living on
With some other family filling our void
But I know it'll destroy me

How could I let you down?
How could I throw away our security?
How could I not know if I was happy?

How could I cheat on you?
How could I destroy your heart?
How could you not think I was awful?
How did I not realize it myself?

If you're reading this
Just know I'm sorry
I still think of you always
The spirit of our love
And the remnants of our life
Will haunt me forever
Until my heart dies from the torture
Of seeing you in everything

Choked up with existential angst
Soften the bitterness with a drink
The cold liquid helps the truth stay down
Hoping that a drunk mind can't think
My thoughts heavy like lead
They sink just below the surface
Low enough where they make no sound
But can still make me feel worthless
What kind of human does it make me
When I don't know how to feel my feelings
The most basic form of existence
That I struggle with dealing
In all of my issues
I know drugs aren't the answer
They won't make anything easy
But they make me feel better

I tell you I'm lost.
You have no idea.
Because to you I'm sitting right here.
You have no idea.
That invisible place.
Where I spend my days.
Sometimes its the only thing that keeps me sane.

Words
Repeated one after one
Burning deep
Stinging to the core
After years and years of pretending they didn't exist
Now they've found their way into my mind
Yelling
Clawing
Screaming
Echoing
Back and forth in my head
Maybe she was right after all
Maybe I am just a **** up
Nothing
Worth nothing
Doing nothing but damage
To all those around me
They're worth more than that
I am not.
'You deserve it' they say
'You'll never change' they say
It's never ending
Until the end.
Never changing
Until it does.
I need out
I need peace
But when the problem is myself
there's nowhere safe to retreat

I don't get how you can mean so much to me and to you I am nothing.
I'll just keep pretending you never happened. Like you're not important and that I don't need you for anything, especially my happiness.
While I'm simply burning inside because I know I was wrong.
Well now I'm done with you, done with everyone, as I accept defeat without a fight.

1 year
365 days
I found an old email chain dated exactly that far back
From today.

For some reason you still manage to creep up into my day
Somehow it still hurts me too.
But in less than an hour it'll be tomorrow
And then the next day as follows.
Eventually ending up at the day that you made up your mind

As much as it hurt,
I can barely remember.
I remember where I was,
How I broke down,
How I cried over you...
But not what you said.

And why my eyes tear up this night I'll never understand.
Or why you did as you did;
Ending it without any explanation.
But that you did.

Yet reading our conversation,
From that day one year ago,
I never would have guessed...
And I didn't.

Sweet baby kitten
Veiled in black cat energy
I find home in your hazel eyes
As you share your soul with me

Wrapped into my arms
We fit together so perfectly
I'll hold you steady and safe
In our knot of sacred unity

Gentle forehead kisses
And laughing uncontrollably
I fall more in love with you
Building these sweet core memories

No thoughts are off limits
We've made safety a priority
Gay talks in blanket forts
Sharing our souls so vulnerably

Our connection is a precious gift
Grown from honor, trust, and empathy
You're all I never knew I needed
And I'll love you for all eternities

I've noticed something
Over the past few years.
No matter how hard you close your eyes
It doesn't stop the tears.

You are solid ground
When it feels like I'm falling.
I want to be your parachute
To give you a safe space to land.
You are steady and safe
In a world shaken and turbulent.
I want to hold space for your feelings
When everything is too much.
You are a soft, warm hug
In the coldest night air.
I want to walk with you through the darkness,
Supportive and steadying.
You are truly a gift and
A love I cherish deeply.
I want to feel your soul dance with mine
But I know they already do.
I love you sweet baby
And one day I'll kiss you too

320 Miles

I feel the distance between us growing
As I know you're no longer here
And this town is a big place
But not big enough for us both.
My heart burns
As my memories fight themselves
Trying to determine whether to stay
Or go like you did.
I know it wasn't easy
Living so close to me
But it was a comfort knowing you were still around
Still living.
Where I live now
This is no home
It feels empty and overbearing
But our home no longer exists either.
I burned it to the ground with my deception
The choices that destroyed us
But just because it was necessary
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Believe it or not, I do love you
And I wish it could have been enough
At least to let me die in dignity
And spare you from this pain.

I don't think you love me as much as you think you do
Maybe I don't either
What if we're both just wasting time
Trying to heal from our broken past
In the arms of someone who understands the pain
But doesn't have the capacity to love

Maybe you're blinded by my decency
How I don't mistreat you like the others did
Maybe you miss the chaos and destruction
That those cheap ***** offered for a minute
Before it hurt

I'm all for exploring feelings
We can take a break
And you can leave
I want you to be happy
And understand what you feel
Maybe you've already reached out to him
Maybe you just want to see if that spark is still there
But if you **** him
Don't expect me back

What's better,
If you do,
I know he'll leave his clothes on
And leave you feeling alone
I hope you think about our skin touching
How carefully I tend to your body
How **** you think my tattoo is
When all you see on him is coarse denim and ragged cotton
Because I won't be there to catch you again
If you **** him,
Don't expect me back

Why am I so angry?
You haven't left yet
But I feel in my soul that you will
"Soulmates" you call us
Then why even consider him?
That's not fair to ask
I know love isn't that easy
But if you loved me more than you loved him
I don't think you'd leave

What do I do in the meantime?
Sit here and pretend like it's ok?
Like I'm not ****** that you might leave?
At least I know I'll be fine if you do
Whether with or without you
I know I can thrive
Can you say the same?

Do you convince yourself you love me
Because I make your life easier?
Because I promised I won't leave?
Because I don't yell at you like he did?
Because I genuinely care about your wellbeing
Enough to let you leave me to figure it out yourself?

But I do have standards
I am not a cloth that you can just throw away
When you feel you don't need it anymore
But try to grab it again when you do

I am a human being
With real feelings
Like yours
(Not the ones for me though)
You're an adult and you can make your own choices
Take responsibility for yourself and your actions
But if you **** him
Don't expect me back

Please **** me now
I can't handle this anymore
I don't want these memories to fade
But they make me want to die
As they choke my breath away
Then release soon enough to save me

I'm not ok
I need you but
You're never coming back to me
I ruined everything
And I've involved others too
So the cycle never ends
And it's all my fault

Please let me die
I don't want to live with this forever
I'd rather give up everything
Than keep reliving our dead memories

And I can't even talk to anyone about it
They either don't get it or
They won't believe me
Because I never know what I'm feeling

But right now I feel awful
These tears won't stop burning my face
And I feel more alone than ever

Nothing else matters
Right now
I am hurting
And I can't take much more of it
So please just let me let it go

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to keep breathing
When my mistakes are like cyanide
Seeping through my broken heart
And drowning my lungs

When we are alone together
I feel this immense connection with you
Like our souls instantly unite upon contact
Feelings overwhelm every one of my senses
I'm not used to this much emotion
I sometimes can't believe it
We could talk for hours on end about
How the systems we live in ruin the world
Or we can lay in silence
Embracing each other and the moment
Either way I am beyond happy
Whether feeling suffocated by the state we live in
Or climbing through nature freely
I can't imagine this situation with anyone else
Because I love this
And I love you

I never wanted to be cliche
And wish to take my life
Over a certain individual
No matter how special they are

To me, she was everything
She meant more than air to me
Because before I met her
Life meant very little

Yes the medication helped me
To feel more empty than sad
Most days
But she was the only sunshine
In the rain storm of my life

These tears that stain my face
Burn into my skin like acid
Trailing, disintegrating
Everything from my eyes
To the deepest pits of my heart
The place only she knew

Where only she could survive
No one else deserved to see me
Not in the ways she did
The only one who could truly see
My broken soul and
my mutated heart
But still love me through it all

Now she's gone
No longer mine to hold
Or to call
Just to hear her sweet voice
Before I daze into a restful sleep
Sparkled with visions of her
Beautiful face
Those gorgeous blue eyes
That could see me
The real me
Even when I couldn't
understand it myself

I love her
And she left me

She is my life
Was my life
The only one who meant anything
To my ****** up heart.
And now I feel nothing.

My heart is damaged
Laying in a body that's been misused a few too many times;
Something even sleep can't recover.
Yet that sounds pretty good at the moment.
But the problem with that comes from the moment I slip out of consciousness,
For then I wish to never return.
And am disappointed to realize that in the morning, I have.

I take comfort in knowing
I could jump if I wanted*

My legs swing over the cliffside
Kicking away the loose foundation
Crashing waves echo across the dirt walls
While the sun paints my back.
I feel nothing but these icy winds
Chilling my limbs until they match my frozen heart
The rising hairs and bumps along my arms prove I'm alive
I wish my mind worked the same way.
If I could, I'd spend forever by the water
Watching, listening, feeling
Connecting to the earth that surrounds me
Bleeding ink onto this notepad until I feel numb again.
But life is never perfect and
I have to finish my degree
I feel stagnant and powerless
Stuck until I finish my commitments

Unless I make the choice to stop breathing

And instead live forever
As one with the sea

I think I'm afraid to lose you
Which is extremely ironic
Considering I'm the one who left
See I don't mean "lose you"
As in lose you from my life
I think it's more about your approval
Your desire
Your intensity
Your love
I want to be wanted and yes I know
It's super ******* up
I wish I understood it more myself
See, on a conscious level
I know I don't need you and that
I am not responsible for your choices
I am not involved in your life
And quite frankly I shouldn't be
Considering the mess my mind's in
Maybe my brain hasn't yet realized
That I've been without you for a year
And I've been doing fine
Maybe I only see my value
Reflected in the opinions of others
So I seek everyone's desire
Instead of my own acceptance
I don't understand
I wish I did
I wish I had the answers
Maybe one day this will all make sense
Maybe one day I won't be so sick
Maybe one day I can be me
Without fear
Without worry
Without anxiety
I just want to be happy
I just want to be free
I just want to be me
And know what that means