Just let me melt into the floor.
Leaving no remnants
of my life on the hard wood.

Stare into me as I evaporate into the sky.
And run through my shadow
as though I were never there.

This love is pungent.
Draining my heart of the light that used to live there.

My shell has broken,
And my insides have seeped out through the scattered fragments.

I've nothing left to do but
Disappear forever.
So wave goodbye as you watch me drip through the floorboards
And disappear into the sky.

I got lost in the darkness,
And found HER on the way,
As I lay here in the dark,
I pray for forgiveness,
HER SINS haunt me,
Thoughts forever inside,
I lie here in the dark,
Wanting to DIE
Wanting to CUT
"WHY DONT YOU DO IT
YOU SCAREDY ****?!?!"
She pulls at my mind
Asking me WHY?
"WHY DONT YOU
PUT AN END TO IT ALL?"
My only answer is to cry:
"MANDY IS SO MUCH STRONGER THAN I!!!"

.AMANDA FALLS.

Caged within myself
A murderer awaits
Patiently planning
Patiently waiting
For the right moment
To strike.

The splitting pain so intense
Yet so worth the act
Fireworks exploding in your eyes
Looking down on me as we lay in the dark.
So cold on that night but
Warm underneath your skin
Goosebumps flutter over mine
As you say the magic words
That made this all possible
I reply "I love you too."
Muffled by panting and kisses.
Breaths in the January air
Common white puffs
As our bodies intertwine
Pushing your bony hips against mine
Feeling the pressure so extreme
Tears rolling down my smiling face
Feeling the soft touch of your fingers on my back,
My nails digging into yours
Holding back the screams
I can only repeat "I love you."
Knowing not what else
And also just to hear your reply.
This only occurs so long
But after, I know:
Fireworks are the most beautiful thing in the world.

They all see what she wants them to see. They can’t see the darkness inside. They can’t see the wounds that she gave herself. Wounds that she always hides. She fixes dinner, prays for release, and rolls over when it’s over cause she’s just another broken housewife.
She’s defective straight out of the box. She gets her happiness from a bottle. Just another pill down the shoot, then another, then another. She tucks the kids in, and does her very best to hold it all together for them. But she’s unraveling at the seams. She wants nothing more than to please cause she’s just another broken housewife.
No one can see her tears. No one can hear her screams. No one is there to care for her wounds. The black and blue patches that litter her skin. She’s good at hiding everything. She’s so good at holding everything in cause she’s just another broken housewife.

Into madness, fall from sadness,
Struggle just to be.
Is this illusion just a delusion?
This pain envelopes me.
My mind is tangled, heart is strangled,
My demons follow close.
Help me escape, wrapped in red tape,
You’re the demon that haunts me the most.
Leave my skin red and raw,
The scars, they never fade.
Always bleeding, always seething,
Shadows follow night and day.
The figures watch my every move,
Whispers flood my ears.
“I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim”,
And they know my darkest fears.
The pills are supposed to heal my soul,
So I choke all of them down.
But the bugs still crawl under my skin,
Yet when I look they can’t be found.
I pull at my hair, checking if there
Is some proof that I am sane,
But ****** fingers always tell me,
The problem is in my brain.

Falling from my head
These thoughts that make us worry again
These thoughts that make us wonder again
These thoughts that make us
Falling from my head
This paranoia again
They’re watching us again
They’re always there to
Make me wonder
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they hear me?
Can they see... Me?
Falling out of time
I dip and try to hide
From the monster I am inside
This monster growing
Makes me wonder,
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they see?

"What a doll!"
"Porcelain"
"Perfect in every way!"
They never knew that she would go,
Mentally insane.
She was so convinced
That her life,
Was nothing but a waste.
Yet she was blind by the feel,
And the sickening taste,
of an evil love.

She had the love,
She had the life,
But Everything she lost.
For this bad love had no price,
No amount and no cost.

For what she had paid him,
Was her soul,
The ultimate sacrifice.
She had given her life to an evil man.  
For a piece of a happy life.

But she had given her life to him.
And her life was at an end,
Her survival was now sink or swim.
And she had no family or friend.

She was caught in the fall,
The wind in her face,
The feel of his breath,
With his chokehold embrace.
To escape it she ran,
With what strength that she had,
She returned to the spot where it all began.
Yet it was too late,
To return to her life.
She sold her soul,
And took her own life.

When I was 4 years old,

My best friend was a family
Of daddy-long-legged spiders.
I named them after 

the characters on ******-Doo.

When I was 8 years old,

My best friend was a tree

Outside of my aunts house. 

I would bring him water everyday 

And we would talk about life.

When I was 12 years old,

My best friend was a girl

That I met at school. 

She was broken like me

And I loved her.

My insides are broken,
They bleed and they weep,
For I've been unkind,
To this soul that I keep.
I find that I'm ugly,
My insides are thick,
My outside, it jiggles,
So I make myself sick.
This addiction, it started,
On account of a name,
The boys called me "Thunder-thighs"
As a part of a game.
This name, it would scar me,
And darken my heart,
It convinced me of things,
That would rip me apart.
I thought that when empty,
This pain, it would cease,
Yet it only encouraged,
The growth of the beast.
This beast that I speak of,
It lives in my head,
It plays on my fears,
And it wishes me dead.
It screams in the night,
From it's den of deceit,
"You can be lovely,
Just purge what you eat!"
So I bow to my ruler,
At a porcelain thrown,
I flush out the ugly,
And I'm never alone.

Now with each phasing moon,
The pain grows in my chest,
My hair has become brittle,
And I can't seem to rest.
I search in the mirror,
For some noticeable change,
But it only shows failure,
Our mind is deranged.
This reflection I see,
Is fat and so vile,
So I run to my throne,
And puke up more bile.
I want to be pretty,
And I want to be thin,
So nothing will stop me,
This war I will win.
But my bones become weak,
And my skin becomes dry,
I can't seem to breathe easy,
And I can't seem to cry.
I cut into this flesh,
That repulses me so,
I cover with clothing,
So no one will know.
My head spins in the chaos,
As I fall to the floor,
The blackness engulfs me,
As I reach for the door.
I call out for help,
But no one is home,
No one can hear me,
I am alone.

Love
Is you and me
Laying in the dark
On a cold January night
Underneath our body heat
The soft friction it makes
The pressure makes me shake
In your arms
Under your skin
Keep me warm...
Safe...
Away...
Alas,
This only occurs,
In a dream.

With solemn eyes and long brown hair,
Her life is a slide of emotional care.
Yes's and No's, a bus in the air,
Lies and worries, no one dare.
To enter her life is to be drawn into her bare sliced up heart, and try to wear the lies on her sleeves...
She swore she would never do it again,
Ripped from the headlines,
Her best friend turned on her, and tried to pretend everything was alright in the end. It spiraled down, starting to bend, until she SNAPPED and the authorities would send her away and she cried herself to be... not crazy.
Upside down and inside out
You turned my heart
Round and about
Took it in, spit it out.
You killed me
And there's no doubt
I'm dead you see
I'm going home
Not alone
But going to a questionable home
Where no one knows
The real me.

My ****** cross falls with speed, neck to blade, death to me. "Thou shall not take your name and use it in vain!" Now the final test becomes apart of my name, inside of my vein, and you can use this to your POWER, under your knife, "END THE PAIN"... It's just a game in your world, in my misery, pain, anguish, and DEATH, "One short breath". One more lie to lie to, to end the pain to, to stop the game to, to end the anguish in your world, with my vein and my game, with my knife, to end my life.

I know who you are,
I know what you hide,
I know what you do,
But I can't understand why.
I know the truth,
About the drugs,
I know the names,
of the men you ******.
I know you're back
in rehab too,
And this is why,
I'm done with you.
I know you lie,
You've lied to me.
A thousand times now,
It's plain to see.
You take care of kids,
That aren't even yours.
Yet, you're not a mother,
Behind closed doors.
You're "The ****"
That sleeps around.
"The one" they say
"who's been around town."
The one who cheats,
On the ones she "loves",
The one who's sent many babies,
To our god above.
I know the truth
About that too
Kidney stones?
Yea, caused by who?
These are only
Just a few
Of the things I wish
I could say to you.

Instilled in my mind
The long dark scars
That align my nightmares
The pounding on the door
The thrashing in the tub
The water turning red
Confusion settles in
Fix me... You shall try
But you'll never fix
A broken soul
You may mend the heart
But you can never truly fix
me.
I lied saying
I'm not broken
But the truth is
I'm shattered
This will be
Me
Instilled
My mind goes dark
A broken soul dies.

So many stitches, so many wounds, so many knives hidden in my room. So many fingers pressed on her hips, it was HER that made me like This. How could something be as powerful as true loves first kiss? I couldn't believe it. How could I deserve this pain and punishment all at once? The marks on my body were from two hearts. Somedays I thought I was lucky to be that man's kid... But really I was lucky to have found HER. I'm getting more than for what I asked, but I knew that the love would never last. I left her on the way that day and never kissed her again. Until the next time my wife, my girl, my friend.

Why do I matter? Why should I stay?
Because where you leave your pain and suffering, many people who are still here will pick it up... Yes, you may feel like no one cares or they wouldn’t notice if you left, but you are wrong. You're worth much more than you realize. Every persons life is important and meaningful because of how we are all connected. Look around... how many people are in your world? How many people have you come in contact with? Even if they never met you in person, even if they've never said a word to you; your death would affect their life.
One of my brother’s best friends died when we were in high school. Geoff was never a huge part in my life, but he was in my world. He was always over my house because my brother and his were best friends and they were swim/water polo teammates.  His death was caused by meningitis, not suicide, but even so, it impacted so many people and took everyone by surprise. When they announced his name over the loud speaker that day at school, I felt a part of my heart break... Because I knew that right then, his parents, sister and his older brother were in so much pain... Because I knew all of his friends, my brother included, were crying, mourning and thinking of all of the times they had had with him. Even to this day, almost 10 years later, people still post things about him on Facebook. Every year on his birthday, I see people sharing photos and memories. I see his brothers posts on the anniversary of his death and my heart breaks over and over. I watched his brother collapse and scream — crying over the loss of his brother. I'll never forget that sound. I can never forget that image. His parents had a complete mental break down. His mom was actually institutionalized afterwards because she was a danger to herself. His father became an alcoholic very soon after Geoffs death. No one could comprehend what life was going to be like without Geoff. Even people like me, someone who only knew him in passing, were affected by his death. You may think that you are worthless, that no one will miss you, that this pain will never end, but you aren’t, they will, and it will. Trust me love. I’ve gone through 27 years of fighting mental illness, loss, and suicide attempts. I know exactly what you’re going through, but committing suicide would destroy a lot of people. This is a part of the reason I hold on. So, Please don't give up. It gets better.

I wish I could tell you that after we texted last night, I cried for the fear that I might lose you.
I wish I could tell you that I still think about you all the time. And I often hope that you could be more in my life.
I wish I could tell you that I dreamt about you last night.
We made love like we did the first time; On the floor of your bedroom because your plushie collection took up the space on your bed... I didn't mind. I could smell you in my sleep and it made me so happy.
I wish I could tell you that I love you too... And more than just a friend.
I wish I could tell you that I want to kiss you...
That I want to hold you...
That I want to love you like you deserve to be kissed, held, and loved.
I wish I could tell you that I wrote this about you.
But I can't.
Because it might **** you.

You think you're the only one who's lying?
The only one who's pretending to smile?
The only one who's dying?
The only one who walks into a room & feels so alone?
The only one who's heartache kills them,
And they deal with it on their own?
I remember every kiss,
Every touch,
The forbiddenness,
Of every moment that we spent,
Memorizing each other's skin.
And now you look right through me,
And I smile the same old smile,
While you go on with your life
Destroying yourself inside
And I'm standing here waiting for you to realize,
Slowly killing the burning fire in my eyes.
I waited too long,
And now you don't care...
Best friends, yea, ok...
I'll pretend it's enough.
Try to make it through the day.
You're not the only one who's lying,
The only one who's pretending to smile,
The only one who's dying.
Look at me.
Just really look.

You used to say you loved the fire in my eyes,
The light in my soul,
The passion in my life.
I used to love the way you smiled,
The way you held me,
So close and so tight.
It couldn't all just be lies,
So I tore down all the walls blocking my heart,
And I let you inside.
The rhythm of your voice kept me hypnotized,
And I fell into the deep abyss of you.
Now the reason why I laughed,
And the reason why I cried myself to sleep at night,
I was your sweet sacrifice.
And now every time I watch you walk away,
A little bit of the fire in my eyes,
Slowly and surely,
Dies. away.

I could **** you for what you've done to me...
You tried to take it all away from me.
You drove me insane from the day I was born...
But now I'm about to DIE and you feel sorry for no one... But... You.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

You never really cared about me...
All you cared about was your men and your, ecstasy.
But now your actions are taking hold of me.
So stop pretending... To... Care.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

You never saw it coming...
You never felt MY PAIN!!!
IT WILL ALL BE OVER "TOO SOON"
LOCKED UP INSIDE MY MIND!!!!!
THE CUTS ON MY WRISTS
THE BLACK ON MY EYES
DID IT EVER COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE?!?!?!

I could **** you for what you've done to me.
You took it all away from me...
You took my brother, my best friend, and now my life,
BUT NOW IM DEAD - IM PAST BEING SICK OF THE FIGHTS...
I just thought - maybe I could have won...
But now - I hope for you - NOTHING.
IM DONE.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!
YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

Woke up feeling restless,
You left me feeling breathless
Walked right into my nightmare,
Right into my nightmare,
And made it all a dream.

You came into my world,
Wrapped me in your curls,
You walked right into my nightmare,
Right into my nightmare,
And now nothing’s what it seems.

You stand there so brave,
You lend out your hand
You help in the way,
No one could understand.
You make it all alright,
Shutting down my tears,
You came into my nightmare,
And silenced all my fears.

Woke up feeling restless,
You always leave me breathless,
You walked right into my nightmare,
Right into my nightmare,
And you made me believe.

There’s a happy ever after,
As long as we’re together,
That now I can see
You walked right into my nightmare
Right into my nightmare,
And made my life complete.

Don't come into my heart.
Don't come into my mind.
Don't come into my soul.
For there's nothing to find.
Let me be, Let me die.
Leave me alone to cry.
I need some time, space, and grace
To let these tears dry on my face.
But wait until then, don't come near.
Stay far, FAR, away from here.

Bad nightmares
Evil clowns
The worst fear of all
Is looking down.

Nothing can heal a broken heart.
Not a bandaid,
Not pulling it farther apart.
From the mended pieces,
Stitched up already,
10, 20, when did I lose count?
Neosporin, Solarcane,
I only wish it were the same.

Emptiness fills her heart as smoke fills her lungs.
Each drag more empty than the next.
Her heart turns black with the soot that revives her.

Sleep eludes her.

Her dreams plague her.

Nightmares her only friends.

Herself: her enemy.

So cold locked up inside
Wanting to scream
Just to be free
To run and fly
And just be me
With no one to judge
And no one to care
Just as they always haven't
Why would they care now?
When I'm too far gone,
When I just want to have fun!
What's wrong with a little fun?
I want to complete myself with him!
Be with him!
Love with him!
But nothing can fill this void...
This temptation...
This pain... Except for more.
So I scream my head off!
And I run til my heart can't take anymore!
And I cut up my body til I'm all drained out!
And scratch at others lives
Just to get my temporary fix.
But now I'm cold
And out of breath
And out of my head
Just wanting to be
Free.

He used to care for my wounds like each one was too fragile to touch.
Now he just looks at each scar in disgust.
His eyes once soft for my pain, have come to grow cold.
It’s as if to him, my suffering has grown old.
He used to lay with me each morning and trace his fingers on my skin.
Now patience has become sin.
He would always use his words to ease my darkened thoughts.
But now when I’m lost, he just shuts himself off.
My anxiety and depression used to be met with understanding and love.
But after 8 years, I guess he’s done all that he could of...
The day he asked for my hand was one of the happiest days of my life.
Now each day is met with strife.
Each thing I use to say to him would be listened to with care.
Now it’s like I’m not even there.
We used to communicate without a problem or fight.
But now every word is said with a bite.
Each cut that I made on my skin would lead to an empathetic kiss.
Now each one adds distance.
His heart was so pure but now it’s so hard to access.
Where did my love go that I used to know best?
And will it be like this for the rest?

I can't live like this. Everything is fake.
My life is a blur and I don't know how much more I can take. If you want, you can take what you want to, salvage this heart, and drive a spike into the X. You created an X where you killed me.
I can't live like this. The eyeliners gone and my tears can't be seen. The mask of black mascara and lines on my body from long time mistakes remain.
I can't live like this. The words that come out aren't supposed to and they're turned into screams.
I want this all to be a dream, and if you can, I ask you one thing - SAVE ME! WAKE ME! TELL ME IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!.. I'm going home soon. Suicide will be my ride. A blade at my side or an empty bottle. STOP THE PAIN! "Can you make it go away!?!?" "Can you mend a broken heart? Can you mend a shattered soul and revive me from death all at once?!!!???"
Save me from the dark, cause I can't live like this.

Try and see through me, save me from myself. Try to live like this. Lie through your breath! Try not to **** YOURSELF when you think of it!! TRY NOT TO BLEED AS A CRY OF RELEASE! When a razor blade is glued to your hand... Try not to starve as you lose pounds off your body, and try not to cry as you're doing all of this!!!!!!
This is my life and no one can do it alone. You need to see how torn from the bone, skin can look. How scars can form, and how you can hook a *** appeal when you're "innocent" and UGLY!? ***** about how much it hurts and complain to a mom that's not there and try to live like me and be alive at the same time: you think you can LIVE LIKE THIS?!?!?

Won’t someone be my friend?
I’m getting oh so lost again.
I was left here in darkness so long ago,
I searched for love but only found snow.
I searched far and wide each day
and eventually found you on the way.
I thought you were it,
for what I had prayed
I thought you were light,
For my soul you had saved
Too bad you had to go and break,
my already fragile heart.

You Watch it crumble and watch it fry
Your bright orange sun would not subside
You set me a blaze and now i cry,
with painful burns I wonder why.
I gave you my heart for you were my sister,
I asked you to care for it gently,
As it was prone to blister.
My heart had been tormented before.
But you killed it... it won’t beat anymore.

I cared for you for so many years
I kept your secrets, tried to soothe your fears,
yet you take this dagger and plunge it into my back.
You pierced my heart in your viscous attack.
Your fire has gone and your song will not play
So I’m saying goodbye and that’s ok.
I won’t sing your treacherous melody anymore.
I don’t know why I hadn’t seen it before...
So goodbye my friend.
Goodbye for forever.
Goodbye my dear love,
I thought you would never
Break my fragile heart... but you did.

I'll rip out my heart for you,
I'll place it in your perfect hands.
Watch it beat and pulse for you,
This is my loves dance.
I'll rip my soul in two for you,
So that we can become one.
I'll make it work so hard for you,
So that you'll smile like the sun.
I'll tear myself apart for you,
So you'll have all of me.
I'll put it in a box for you,
To simply make you happy.
I'll do what ever I can for you,
To make you feel my love.
I'll take glue to every inch of you,
To fix my broken angel from above.

You're beauty radiates through your mahogany eyes.
They are the portal to your glimmering soul.
Each time I see them, a candle is lit in my heart... A light in the darkness to keep me alive.
Your skin, so perfect - a porcelain silk.
My fingertips crave it's touch with each passing moment.
My lips quiver at the sound of your name, it melts my heart and calms my soul.
Your smile is by far, the most beautiful I've ever seen, lights up my day like nothing else.
Just to have you in my arms, Just to feel your heart beat against mine, would make my life complete.
You are the air that I breathe.
You are the life that fills me.
I love you now and forever.
You're beauty radiates through your mahogany eyes.

The lies eating through my flesh
Burning in my eyes
He can see them
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to hurt him.
His heart is so fragile
And it lies in my hands
He will never understand
How I can call him my friend
But to me, he's so much more.
Two years with him
He will never see what it meant to me
It means nothing to him
Equal to nothing in his eyes
He's just a boy
And I was just his "play thing".
What happened to forever?
He took it back.
But now I found someone
To promise it again
But I still think back to him
The one that took "forever" away
The very next day
So I turned to him for help
Yet now I lie to him
To hide the questions, tears and days
When I call him and say
How much I've missed him
His face, his voice
And the way he gets distracted so easily.
And how much I still love him.
But then my mind starts to wander
And I go into my distorted daydreams
Back and forth between
The love we made
And the pain it caused...
The pain I caused.
Thinking of his body
Every inch and curve of his beautiful figure.
The way I memorized his face
The shape of his lips...
How soft they are when they touch mine.
The pictures make me shake
And yet I can't look away
Yet the one who loves me so,
Trusts me so fully
But these lies I tell him
They burn through my skin
They show in my eyes
Eating away at the flesh in my heart
I'm choking on my words
I don't want to hurt him
But I don't want to hurt anymore.

Looking in a mirror, I stare at a face that I don't know.
Looking around my room:
A hole in the wall
From a knife I almost
Drove inside of myself.
Scratches on my door
Pleas of help and reconciliation.
A bunny on my bed,
Stuffed with fluff... And my blades.
A mirror on the wall,
Almost covered with pictures of people
I HATE.
A bed with gashes
Again from my knife,
A dresser with a note inside
To all the people that find "me".
A blade in every drawer
Just in case I lose one.
Looking down at the pool of blood
Dripping from my hand
Falling to the ground
In an unconscious mess.
Looking in the mirror,
In a jacket tied tight,
Wondering "When will it end?"
Talking to the face I don't know.

Stuck in a world of total confusion,
Lights in my head keep me awake,
But all of this lives on the contusions,
Because of the devastation,
That lives on in it's wake.
It haunts my dreams,
It twists my feelings,
It lives on my nightmares,
It's not what it seems.
It's just out there,
Waiting for me to dare come talk with it.
I'm trapped under it's rough hand,
Tied to a ball and chain,
But I'm not supposed to be here,
That is very plain.
I put a smile on to please it,
I ask "How high?" When it says to jump.
I am what it tells me, it is my god,
And I can't stop when it says "enough".

Cause it will never mean it, either I know too much or not enough, then I'm stupid and unwanted. But when it comes to being me, I'm the one who started. Trapped in my mind, a world no one can find. Alone in the dark with it, it courses through my veins, and cracks through the bone so I will say it's name. It won't stop 'til I've given up. Sometimes I feel I've given enough and I want to quit, so temptation gives in, and I use it on myself and the cycle starts over again.

Cut me open.

Remove the demons from me.

I don't want to be their friend anymore.

The world between what I know
And what I want
Is the most horrible place
Filled with haunted dreams
And scattered nightmares
Along with dreaded hidden truths.
Ones that stab you in the face
And scream
OPEN YOUR EYES
LOOK AROUND
Even though you wish you could sew yours shut
And fall asleep
Forever.
Only to awaken in another world
Where you're with your "Prince Charming"
At the alter
In a white gown.
You blink
And you're right back in your world
Where you get thrown on your ***
And hurt
But you have to put up with it
And make these decisions all alone
And learn from your mistakes
But I don't want to be here anymore.

She's burning alive
in her dead empty heart.
No one can tell
that she's falling apart.
She's cried all her tears
and she's screamed all her pain,
And now all the memories
flow down the drain.
She's empty inside
and she can't hardly breathe,
Her eyes are so swollen,
she can't hardly see.
The battle is over,
Depression has won,
She's all out of blood now,
Her sad life is done.

The punishment of knowing how to put it into words...

I wish I was mute,
Forever silent.
I wish I was blind,
Forever in the dark.
I wish I was deaf,
Forever without sound.
I wish I was alone,
Deaf, dumb, and blind,
So I couldn't hear the screams,
Inside of my head.
And I can't see the tears running down my face.
And I can't scream the words "I HATE YOU" back.
And I wouldn't be "important" to any of my "friends"...
Who probably are fake, just like me.
A doll dressed up with ribbons and bows,
This is ME and I hate it.
This is my punishment,
Knowing how
To put this
FEELING
Into
Words.

Right now we are bound by the chains around our wrists.
Right now we are fighting with our arms raised up in fists.
Right now we are bruised and ****** and feel so weak.
Right now we would give anything just to fall asleep.

But we know we must go on,
We know we must be strong.
For sisters we are,
And to each other our hearts belong.

Right now we fight with butterflies and ink.
Right now we fight the horrible urge to drink.
Right now we lock all of our terrible secrets away.
Right now we'd give anything to just be free today.

But we know we must go on,
We know we must be strong.
For sisters we are,
And to each other our hearts belong.

I know these times are so hard and you just want to let go,
But it's through these times we have to hold strong and we just have to know
We know we must go on,
We know we must be strong.
For sisters we are,
And to each other our hearts belong.

I don’t know how to make this right
I hurt you and it’s unfair
I don’t want to yell or fight
I just want you to stare.
Watch me rip myself to shreds
Cause it’s the honest truth
I’ve lied to you before my love
I’ve taken all your youth
The succubus has ****** you dry
And now it’s time to pay
You beg and scream and loudly cry
When I tell you not to stay
You want another chance at love
But that just isn’t me.
I require more than what you have
But you will never see
I’m an animal — selfish and insecure
And I’m going to stay this way.
Still, I’m sorry for your suffering
Every single day.
No apology will ever suffice
For these sins that I have done
No gift, no words, no poem or song
For your sorrow weighs a ton.
So please, just turn and leave me here
I’m not worth all this pain
You see how I’ve treated you
You know that I’m insane.
I don’t know how to make this right
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what else to try
So now I say goodbye to you

Lost in a world that no one understands,
Not even the one that's holding my hands.
Even though he's there,
He'll never know,
All of the pain,
I do not show.
My sister I love the most of all,
But I'm afraid if I ask her,
We'll both take the fall.
I'm happy here,
Like never before,
But there's still that demon,
Pounding my door,
I'm afraid I might,
Just give it a key,
Cause if I do,
It'll never leave.

But living in denial is my safe haven. 
If I wake up, then I would have to face reality… And in that, I would have to face the fact that I’m not ok.

Why’d you go and do that to me?
You know what “we” meant to me.
Why’d you go on and **** her?
You said you didn’t even love her.
Why’d you go and break my heart?
Because of you, I fell apart.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For happiness I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t tell me lies,
But you still looked me in the eyes
and said you loved me.

What made her so special?
Why was she so ******* special?
Why’d you have to break my heart?
I was putting back the pieces when you ripped them apart.
Now because of you, my bed is tainted.
You should have said no. You should have waited.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For a love I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
You went and stole my heart,
Now you’re tearing it apart.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
And as you turn to leave, I’ll still beg and plea,
For you to love me.

Can you hear her screaming?
Can you hear her questions?
Did you even feel bad?
Did you learn your lesson?

Can you see her?
Can you see her pain?
Can you even see her?
Can you even say her name?

You ask for love,
you ask for her heart,
But she’s not prepared to give that part.
She shares her love with many,
Many have seen her bare her soul.
But you don’t want that,
you just want control.

She asks “Can you hear me screaming now?
Can you hear my plea?
Will you let go of my throat?
Will you ever let go of me?”

She just wants to give up,
End it all — call it quits,
But that will never please you,
She’s entertainment and you have tickets.

Being happy, being sad, is there a difference between good and bad? Where do we go after we die? Do the sinners pay? Will the families cry? The love affairs that cause you pain, when you are the one to blame, silenced by the hard words of no more than a child, mother, father, the love is mild, and icy winds take under your wings, I will go to meet the king, stay in his words, under his arms, I know he'll never do me harm, the nights I have endured your pain, by playing along in your stupid game. All that happens weighs me down, tight around my shoulder blades that keep me steady, arms gone from loss of blood, may I be set to rest, maybe I should, after the pain and misery and death.

This is mine, my own fault, and not your time, so don't pretend to know how it feels to do the time, to make a deal, with the devil himself, he keeps your heart in a jar on the shelf, with his scythe he will carve your heart until it's too small to keep. It hurts to know you're sad and dark but I remember our time at the park, the day we kissed and the time you said goodbye. I'll always cry, for you and me, how happy we could be, living in the eternity of death. I miss you. Being happy, being sad. Really... Is there a difference? Do they even exist? This is my time, my rhyme, my eternal misery.

My demons sometimes force my hand.
They sometimes make me smile.
They sometimes know how to make me laugh.
They know how to make me lie through my teeth.
Vices keep me level.
Fire helps me breathe.
I hope my demons have forgotten how to swim,
Because I'm neck deep,
And I never learned how.

I'm hemorrhaging out of my chest
where my heart used to be.
He just threw the kitchen sink at me.
I couldn't dodge it, for It was too large.
I couldn’t  evade his powerful charge.
Every insult, that one can imagine,
Spewed from his mouth, begging for a reaction.
I tried to stay strong, I couldn’t break down,
I held back my tears, I kept in my frown.
It’s always the same, night after night,
So why even bother to put up a fight?
Now as I lay dying, an empty shell
I sit here alone in my own private hell.