Every word is for you
Every line is for you
Every lyric is for you
Every prose is for you
Every breath is for you
It’s you
It’s you
It’s you
It’s always been for you
You have always been the one

Sometimes I wonder if I was drunk and in a room full of all the men I have loved
Who would I run to?

Would it be the first love?
The one who held my hand like it carried the world inside of it?
The one who kissed me closely in a stairwell?
The one who had the heart I broke into pieces?

Would it be the one that got away?
The one who made me feel wild and free and secure?
The one who always put me on the back burner but I wouldn't give up?
The one who broke my heart into pieces?

Would it be the one that was my almost lover?
The one who wanted all of me but not at the cost of a real relationship?
The one who drove me insane and made me feel like I was the problem?
The one who was my best friend in the whole ******* world?

Would it be the first real adult relationship?
The one who had a real job and real goals?
The one who took me on priceless excursions and showered me with gifts?
The one who told me I was too much of a stupid liberal city girl to be with him?

Or, would it be the one I thought was the love of my life?
The one who I spent most of my late youth with?
The one who had the family I loved and the laugh that brought me to my knees?
The one who told me I was too stagnate and was not willing to watch me grow into something spectacular?

So sometimes I wonder who I would run to
Who would I want to let in to break me again?
I do not know which hand I would run to hold, but I know any of those hands would be a mistake

I took our pictures off of the wall today
It felt like peeling off a scab and watching it bleed
It hurt and it hurt like hell

I erased your voicemails from the machine today
It felt like a sin to **** a sound so beautiful
It hurt but I know that it will do me well

I found your old sweater in the spare room’s closet today
It felt like the softest thing I have ever touched in my life
It hurt but I called you anyway

I heard your new voicemail, as I called tonight
It felt like nails on a chalkboard to hear a new woman's dialect on the machine
It hurt but I wore that old sweater all ******* week

I am a hurricane
I am a force to be reckoned with
My love can cause tumultuous damage to cities
Tear down walls and rip the streets to shreds

I am a tornado
I am a force of nature to fear
My love can rip through towns in seconds
Tear up the ground from above and move a path of destruction

I am a tsunami
I am a force of change to not mess around with
My love can move oceans and nothing can stop it
Tear through the sandy shores and cause pain to whole villages

I am a natural disaster
I am a force to be reckoned with

I want to fall asleep next to you like I used to when I was 15
You know when we would make the most of our time together because there was so little of it
The time when each and every time felt like the first time
I miss those times
I want to fall asleep next to you and feel your lips graze the tip of my nose
All I want is to become emotionally naked to you and tell you every feel from the past five years without you
Everything, all my pain, my joys, my memories, I want to fill you in on my life
And I want to know everything I missed about yours
Does Journey still make you smile and dance?
Do forehead kisses still melt your heart?
Is your mom still intolerable?
Are your dogs still obese and still crazy?
Do your brothers still remember me as a koala?
Do you still remember playing the guitar as I sang Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen for a talent show?
Do you remember our first kiss in a stairwell?
Do you remember how I was so angry at you I broke plates and cried for hours?
Do you remember how before we were together you were my best friend?
Do you remember how we were together on the couch when Michael Jackson died?
Do you remember how you wrote me a letter every single day the first summer we spent apart?
Do you remember when we experimented with chocolate syrup and whipped cream and it was so embarrassing to be so sticky and we just laughed?
Do you remember how you always would let me have the bubbled chips because they were my favorite?
Do you remember the time we walked home along the railroad tracks and I stayed behind to take photos of you being so handsome?
Do you remember running two miles in the pouring rain to bring me an umbrella?
Do you remember that first time we broke up and nothing felt right so we had to fix things?
Do you remember why we fell in love?
So many unanswered questions
I want to strip down for you
I don’t mean sexually
I want to strip down all my walls and release everything I meant to say to you now
Five years later and this still feels like a mistake
Five whole ******* years
I want to fall asleep next to you

Did I love him right away?
No
Absolutely not
I don’t even think I liked him right away
He was cold, he was reckless, he was bitter
But his smile, when he smiled, he could light up a room
Did he love me right away? Of course not
I was loud, I was gaudy, I was too chipper and my laugh could make ears bleed
But somewhere along the way, somewhere along those years from 18-23...it started blending together and made perfect sense
I kept him alive and he kept me safe
Now here we are
And when we see each other on the street we might wave and we might share a smirk
But that is nothing compared to the energy we could have between us if things had gone differently
Nothing can compare to the epic love story that may have been, could have been, would have been

There have been days where I have woken up with nothing but pure excitement for the journey of my day
But there have been so many days where I cannot even fathom the idea of inching my way out of bed
There are nights where I look forward to gathering with friends and being out and enjoying the moonlight
But there have been so many nights where I cannot even dream of anything besides being alone with a bottle of whatever
Highs and lows
Depression knows no bounds
It doesn’t play favorites
It doesn’t come every day, but it is always there
Depression doesn’t know that it was my best friends birthday and I promised I’d make it to the club
Depression only knows it’s December 23rd and it’s time to listen to the same song for the 17th time in a row
Depression only knows that I haven’t eaten in 2 days and this bottle will demolish my sanity
Depression can only see that if I don’t have the mental capacity to acknowledge my problems, then maybe they don’t exist
It doesn’t come every day
But it’s always there

He made sure I knew just how lucky I was to have him
But he never hit me
He played games with my emotions repeatedly
But he never hit me
He made sure I didn’t leave the house in a skirt above the knees
But he never hit me
He knew the words to say to make me feel so small that I could not breathe
But he never hit me
He tossed me in and out, in and out, until my mind was in an out of control tizzy
But he never hit me
He messed around on the side late at night while I rested in our bed
But he never hit me
He made it clear that I wasn’t to go out at night with the girls
But he never hit me
He told me over and over again just how hard it would be to find anyone else to deal with me
But he never hit me
He fell asleep safe and sound as I laid in bed trying to catch my breath through tears
But he never hit me
He needed to have the password to every device, app and account
But he never hit me
He knew the power he held and used it over my head to weaken me
But he never hit me
He made jokes at my expense in front of friends and family and we all giggled together instead of cringed
But he never hit me
He assured me the women he texted were coworkers or colleagues but I could never know what they spoke of
But he never hit me
He made it clear that my interests and goals were not of pertinence
But he never hit me
He knew the exact words to say to take my entire day downhill
But he never hit me
He broke my heart over and over and over again until it was minuscule shreds
But he never hit me

Even on my very worst and most vulnerable day
I am still the villain in someone elses story
That does not mean I have not been the hero in many others

Even if my light outshines my deepest darkness, the dark still exists
We all have the capacity to hold back our darkness
I am stronger than others, not better

I am a huntress.
I sink my teeth into what is mine until I draw blood
My prey never comes easy

I am a huntress.
I lurk and linger around until I find what I crave
My prey is left scarred with teeth marks

I am a huntress.
I do not fear the darkness, in fact I strive in it
My prey will not see me coming

I am a huntress.
I protect what is mine and I will attack any predatory threat
My prey is mine and mine only

I am a huntress.
I hunt down hearts near and far and I keep them entrapped within me
My prey does not know how good he has it

How many ways have I loved you?

I loved you at your darkest
I loved you at your most vulnerable
I loved you when you were wrong
I loved you even when I hated you
I loved you when you saw me break
I loved you when I could not even love myself
I loved you late at night
I loved you beneath the sheets
I loved you with the lights off
I loved you even more with the lights on
I loved you through a sea of confusion
I loved you through a conflicted heart
I loved you despite our differences
I loved you even as I hurt myself
I loved you although you never really loved me

So how many ways have I loved you?
Too many.

Follow the rabbit he will take you to happiness
Do not be late, do not miss that date
You could get lost in a sea of confusion
You would be deceived by the ostensible outlook

You could go fetch seven little men
You could be the fairest of them all
Beware of the deep and everlasting sleep
You would be deceived by the apple's red color

Worry about the petals, they are falling so quickly
He will be stuck that forever if you cannot make him love you
Keep an eye on the rose, it is far too beautiful to let go
You will be deceived by the appearance of a beast

Stuck in a tower, do not ever look down
Grow out your hair past the tall brick walls
Spot a good man, make him rescue your heart
You would be deceived by the family relations

Cleaning the bathroom, making the bed
Sneak out to town, be invited to a dance
"Fairy Godmother, please just give me once chance"
You would be deceived by the loss of one shoe

So waiting, I am waiting for an answer to come
Looking for one man to be the one that I want
A fairy-tale ending is nothing I am after
For I would be deceived by the misinterpretations of the story