Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves

Wandering in and out of what could be

I used to fear a missed opportunity

Now I’m thankful for what I lost
Despite the pain,
I grew into who I am.

Your brown eyes softly stare
into my starless sea

My endless story
You listen, no urgency

I hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest
I count the beats,
until my eyes give in to rest

I’ll hold your hand so you can fall asleep
I’ll visit you in your dreams
My heart is yours to keep

As a child I listened for small voices

Little footsteps and mini hand prints

Night light left on
To welcome the visitors

They never said hello

I guess I’ll never know….

Soft skin
And fluffy hair
His personality
Rare

A boy I barely knew
Lost in his own world
Found himself in his writing

Picked up his pen
And the words flew

Black and white comes too easily
Forgets to see past his shadow
I try and remind Tiempo
When Fate has time

A friend made
Not so breezily

Curls and deep thoughts
Late night poems sent
Back and forth
I’m thankful for my poet friend

God-send?

Let’s begin.

I read a book that reminded me of you

It reminded me of the days I wished to find a way out
To go through a door that would lead me somewhere else
somewhere better

I never found that door

And you never got better

I wish you had

‘I kissed you and your lotion kissed me back’

Little thoughts
And smiles

Big realizations
Let’s just talk

Bring more wine
And a silly mood

And I’ll go wherever
You want me to.

I thought I would write again to help me fall asleep

I took my final today and got an A
It was easy but it’s still something so yay

Im working on staying positive
And when the depressive hits
I let it sit and feel it fully
No more pushing the waves down
No more hiding my frown.

Hello death,

I am not afraid of you,
Many are
But I see through you

The facade of what life beyond death truly is
How can anyone know?

False prophets
The drinking of fine wines

I wonder what’s true
And I wonder what is lies

Innocence is lost
in my hasty decisions

I regret every step I took

but the past cannot be undone
the steps are already made

it will never be the same.

Ugly and deformed I am beheaded
by the better version of me.

Before I knew of my sins.

Before I knew of my shame.

I used to wish to stop the world with one look,
to make my mark.

Now I just want to curl up with a good book.

Swirling around us
Thoughts of tomorrow

Until
We’re pulled in
Sharing our energies
This is synergy

The boy made of wax
Lit now and melting fast
Lost in your eyes
My hand in yours
Contrast

Take me to your starless sea
I want to know you
Endlessly

Squinting only to see you in focus
Every so often I look at your face
Admiring what I have
Staying over at your place

Warm skin and soft lips
Let’s stay forever in this moment
Lost in space and time
Lemon boy and me

I read a poem you wrote
Titled ‘Trees’

My stomach fluttering every-time I feel your touch
Holding me so close
Until I can’t breathe

So close but not enough
Tangled up in my sleeves

“My eyes are just brown”
But so much more

Purple gaze with a starlight haze

Moonlight can only account for some

The sun comes up
Sweeping over our faces
Deep brown and see-through

I could be blue?

But not with you.

Rosy cheeks and big smiles

Even when my blush fades
My smile starts to go-away
And your rain cloud re-appears
Dimming your energy
You hear your fears

I’ll still find some butterflies
Just for you and I

My eyes can’t lie

No matter how much I try.

Kept in a jar and saved until now
Letting them free
Every time I see you once more

open the door.

There they are again
Flying so sweetly
I’ll save a few more
for next time

Butterflies in my hair
Butterflies everywhere

I’m
Intertwined
With you
Without a care
Holding my heart
Please don’t let it tear.

Butterflies in my heart
And in my mind
Changing my perspective
Re-defined

My summer home

My get away

Sometimes I talk too much
Social cues not there

Mind somewhere?

Thank you for grounding me

I like it when you hold me
It reminds me
Of my purpose

Your words are confusing
But I like your soft tone

Sweet and understanding

Two boys on their thrones

You’re sleeping next to me right now
Your snoring woke me up
It’s okay though
I like it when your body is quiet

Mask off
The real you
See-through

Just like me

It’s hard when everything’s confusing
But you remind me to be smart

Look Tim (my therapist)
I’m doing art!!

I’ve been taking such good care
But sometimes I forget myself

I forgot to eat enough today
It’s okay
Tomorrow I’ll remember
Just another day
In
December

A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?

I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.

When you feel far away
I muster up a memory from long ago

The last time I held you or felt your touch
The last time I slept by your side
When you told me “i love you so much”

When I can’t feel you I hold on to what you left
A too big sweatshirt that still smells like you
Is my only comfort

I can’t quite describe the smell
A mix of smoke and fresh laundry transport my mind to images of you
Your smile so big, your eyes sparkling

Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window  
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget  

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.

Tears fill my eyes as I watch your shadow fade,

off to fulfill its purpose, I let it leave.

Although my heart followed you, my body stayed.

Once again I’m all alone, I grieve

left to wonder how I might fill the hole in my chest.

An hour goes by that feels like forever

I close my eyes, not to rest…

but to picture me and you together.

How can I bear through this pain?

Whisper to me when you miss me

When will I see you………again?

I’ll carve our initials into a tree and pray to god that one day he’ll set me free.

Soft rises
Deep falls

Rushing water filling my ears
I wish to open my eyes

Surrounded by the comfort of Poseidon

Schools of fish swim by my legs
Nearby lives
A titan

I squint and feel the sting of salt water seeping in
Discomfort at first
Turns into wonder

A world within a sea
My dreams floating
Along with me

I hit the sea floor
Sand brushes my feet
Awaking my thoughts once more

Bubbles floating up and away
I decide I want to stay

Shells with endless twists and turns

Will they ever learn?

I still remember the boy with the sandy hair
He told me:

To be one with the sea
Is to
Have found a way
To be
Free.

The naked trees surround
A dark winding concrete road

They’ve lost their decor
Once bearing leaves with color
Now absent

Knotted branches resemble the *** holes
A few ghost towns

Abandoned souls.

Spirits sweep the path in a dust

Snowflakes appearing alongside
Intertwined with the freezing air

Falling slowly
Softly
Slowly

Just as
Snow
Found its home on the ground

So may I

Lost but not searching

Monsters lurking.

What does it mean to be truly free?

I am not sure.

I know that I am not free, that I may never be.

But I am more free than others

Why does the government decide my freedom for me?

Why can’t I help those dying across the sea?

Why do they decide who I can be?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know true freedom
while living under this system

But I’m not sure how to escape, how to truly be me

I hide in between spaces of seeing you

wrapped in your arms I forget my sorrows.

When I’m alone my thoughts darken,

I feel cold, loneliness follows.


Stay by my side all night long,

so my nightmares are only dreams.

Waking up next to you, feeling your arms

My mind is assured nothing is wrong.

I saw a little car today
zooming past my window

It was so small
yet it moved so quickly; unafraid

a bigger car approached it
swerving just before the crash

but there it stood resilient
waiting for its turn to go

and all I could think was:
how do I be more like that?

My love is a privilege

please remember that

I’ll write you poems

when you run out of words

when you can’t breathe

I’ll offer my lungs

to you I give myself

I ask for only one thing

If you could just love me back

I don’t need a ring.

Falling asleep
in your sweatshirt

It smells like me now

I wish it was you instead of some fabric

I miss someone I barely know
Watching the clock tick

Until I see you again

But it’s like I’ve met them before
The boy next door?

I can’t wait to be around him again
Holding me close while I fall asleep
Breathing together
In - sync

I can’t wait for more smiles
Lemon boy said he’s making lemonade
I want some
I hope we can trade

Even the rainy days
I’ll be there too
We can splash around in the puddles
Or stay inside
Warm and dry
Do some puzzles?

Only a few days more
Until your mine once again
We’ll pick up where we left off

See you then

**

I went outside to look at the meteor shower

The sky was grey and foggy
The air was damp and cold

I tried to see the falling stars
But could only see the grey white sky

I wonder how many showers I’ve missed because of a stormy sky

I wonder how many falling stars I could’ve wished on

I am so in love with you
that I am afraid to lose you.
My heart races each time I think of what might happen.

A car crash? A fire? A police officer holding too much power?
How can I let you out of my sight when so many things threaten our happiness.

I am so afraid of loosing you
I think because I've lost so many.
Not through death, but through neglect, through years waiting to feel the love I thought they would give.

I am so afraid of loosing you because for the first time something is mine. Something that is so perfect and warm. Something I thought I might never find.

I am so afraid of loosing you.

Please don't leave me.

My story is becoming

I feel it in the wind

It beckons to my soft heart

And aches within my soul

My story is becoming

I see it in my pen

The way words form together

The way that they begin

My story is becoming

So listen for its whisper

I hear it quietly yearning

It waits for me to answer

My story is becoming

Though I don’t yet know what I will write

I know that it is forming

Beyond my very sight.

Dear Lady Moon,

I can feel your pearly white gaze,
It fills me with inner warmth

Your imperfections; your craters
They make you unlike any other

I find myself looking up at you quite often these days
I think she’s been watching over me with her midnight rays

She comes to visit me at night
With her moonbeams bright

Her light of comfort puts me in a starlight daze

I see her and she sees me
Her light shines gleefully

My protector; the watcher
I’m thankful for
my night time stalker

I noticed I stopped being so judgmental

Maybe because I have become more human



                         and in doing so


          I have understood what being human is.


   I am flawed

                                               I make mistakes

      And

                                     I learn

                                                    
                       I improve

        I love

                                                              I hurt

                      And

    
                                  I try again.

I find myself in your gaze

I see all that I can be while you hold my hand

Every touch grants a new vision

Of the life I wish to live

Laying next to you I dream of our future

Did you notice I was gone?

We’re not in the movies

But when I look into your eyes I see blue and purple static

If I stare long enough I get lost in starless pools of deep blue

I could drown in them if you’d let me

Can’t control what I say
Hope that’s ok

I try my best to distract
From what is and what’s
Grey

Wolves coming from all over
During the night

Will you stay or will you fight?

I like your presence it makes me feel warm

I guess I kinda like
Being wrapped in your arms

It’s weird for me
Because I expected someone else

But no matter what
My heart will always
Melt

Eventually.

My past is like a storm cloud following me

Lightning strikes my loved ones
So all they see are my mistakes

Thunder rumbles loudly
So all I hear are my failures

Rain pours down on me
So I can not see clearly

The cloud trails my steps so I can never escape
So I relive my regrets

Harsh winds blow in my direction
So I can not move forward

And my storm cloud stays dark and grey
Above my head, my happiness at bay.

Faint memories
Of the happiest moments of my childhood

Swinging was my favorite

I liked to wander in the grassy fields
Catch a few butterflies
Freeze when I saw
The bees

Soft walks home
With my too-big backpack
My little body
Minuscule in comparison
I remember it felt as if it weighed a ton

Silly talks
And lots of giggles

Science projects

That I hated
All I got was a participation award.

Still I
explored
Found a way into the trees
Biked around town
No fear
Just making my rounds

I even won a few spelling bees
Nothing big just the 4th and 5th grade
Categories

I memorized the words
With no understanding
No wonder I never made it very far

Nature acted as my mother
I found my home in the twisted branches of old oaks
The dead leaves and crab apples
invokes
Comfort

I slept under the stars
And counted them too

Stayed up all night
So I wouldn’t have to say goodbye
just greet the new day
And wish for night once more

Watching the sunrise
With a content sigh