I’m tired of hiding

But I won’t come out for the unworthy

I wish I could run away

Too bad I don’t have a place to stay

Maybe I’ll spend the night in my car?
Is that too far?

A warm embrace
Or so they thought

Warm at first
Then it got hot

Piles of blankets
Suddenly smothering
Stuck inside
Until you
Die

I want to leave
But I like the pain
Forgetting the hurt
What goes on in my brain.

I found a way out
Though a little late

Turns out the door was always open
I just didn’t check the lock

Stepping out onto green grass
Reminds me of an old poem I wrote

The first steps take a while
My feet are cold
But I try and smile

After what feels like forever
I look up
And I’m not alone anymore
My heart
Will not
Feel
Sore

That old door
That I thought was locked

Has disappeared.

I won’t go back
To the place I thought was home
For now I know what love is

I am Sophie
I am Max
I am an artist

Monster boy is facing the real world for the first time
Turns out he’s doing okay
And he can still rhyme.

Wonder what adventures will come next
Sophie doesn’t know
And neither does Max

But they’re excited
For the trek.

No longer perplexed.

Dear lemon boy,

I heard you’re writing about me
Be careful
You’re making me feel special

Once I’m stuck I have a hard time letting go
I think I’m falling?

****

Oh no.

I don’t mind I’m just scared of getting hurt
I hope it won’t and I hope you care

Why is there so much love in the air?

The skeptic in me is in awe

You showed up when I was least expecting
And now I can’t seem to let you go

I hope that’s okay
Save this for a rainy day

Dear Lady Moon,

I can feel your pearly white gaze,
It fills me with inner warmth

Your imperfections; your craters
They make you unlike any other

I find myself looking up at you quite often these days
I think she’s been watching over me with her midnight rays

She comes to visit me at night
With her moonbeams bright

Her light of comfort puts me in a starlight daze

I see her and she sees me
Her light shines gleefully

My protector; the watcher
I’m thankful for
my night time stalker

I find myself in your gaze

I see all that I can be while you hold my hand

Every touch grants a new vision

Of the life I wish to live

Laying next to you I dream of our future

I fall
just like a child,
in and out of melancholy

I climb a mountain every day
but I feel as if I I’m sitting at the bottom dragging my feet

I search for contentment,
for inner joy
in temporary doses of serotonin

My therapist is teaching me to love myself
I didn’t realize how bad it was
I asked her why I hate myself so much

I can see myself as a child
small and afraid
in need of someone’s hand

Now I reach out to them
I hold her close
and tell him the words I wish I had been told

There still within me
deep in my soul
behind all these years and avoidance
They still need me

I don’t have to prove myself anymore
I just have to be kind
and say the words I wish I had been told

I’ll pick up my feet
and take a few steps

So I may find myself
and forgive my faults

So I may reach a peace within my soul

So I may love my whole self and move forward

I’m not sure I’m made to bear the weight of living

I thought love might ease the pain
But now it only causes further heartbreak

I feel so lost all the time
My mind wanders in and out of consciousness
And my heart feels cold

My medicine keeps me going
I complete the tasks I know I must do
but I’ve lost my passion, now replaced with fatigue

I wait for each day to end
And when it does I miss the sun

Will I ever find my light again?

Did you notice I was gone?

Can’t control what I say
Hope that’s ok

I try my best to distract
From what is and what’s
Grey

Wolves coming from all over
During the night

Will you stay or will you fight?

I like your presence it makes me feel warm

I guess I kinda like
Being wrapped in your arms

It’s weird for me
Because I expected someone else

But no matter what
My heart will always
Melt

Eventually.

I’m growing and changing
Sorry it took so long

I’m learning how to fit in
And sing my own song

All my mistakes
Were part of my masking

Doesn’t excuse them
Just please understand
The difficulty
Of the task

I’m this way for a reason
I can’t change my seasons
But I’m getting help

Learning to take off
My
Mask

Don’t speak, listen

When you need it
Just ask

You used to take me shopping
You let me get new things

You thought it might help me forget
The hurtful words you liked to scream

But I never wanted your baggage
You disguised as your love

I just wanted a dad

I wanted genuine love, the kind that doesn’t have a price
But you don’t  even know what love is

I’m sorry your dad hurt you
I’m sorry your brother was mean

But I wish you would’ve healed
Instead of taking it out on me.

Faint memories
Of the happiest moments of my childhood

Swinging was my favorite

I liked to wander in the grassy fields
Catch a few butterflies
Freeze when I saw
The bees

Soft walks home
With my too-big backpack
My little body
Minuscule in comparison
I remember it felt as if it weighed a ton

Silly talks
And lots of giggles

Science projects

That I hated
All I got was a participation award.

Still I
explored
Found a way into the trees
Biked around town
No fear
Just making my rounds

I even won a few spelling bees
Nothing big just the 4th and 5th grade
Categories

I memorized the words
With no understanding
No wonder I never made it very far

Nature acted as my mother
I found my home in the twisted branches of old oaks
The dead leaves and crab apples
invokes
Comfort

I slept under the stars
And counted them too

Stayed up all night
So I wouldn’t have to say goodbye
just greet the new day
And wish for night once more

Watching the sunrise
With a content sigh

My past is like a storm cloud following me

Lightning strikes my loved ones
So all they see are my mistakes

Thunder rumbles loudly
So all I hear are my failures

Rain pours down on me
So I can not see clearly

The cloud trails my steps so I can never escape
So I relive my regrets

Harsh winds blow in my direction
So I can not move forward

And my storm cloud stays dark and grey
Above my head, my happiness at bay.

Turns out monster boy has issues

Some of them make sense
Some don’t.
They’re learning.

Gears are turning.

I’m not special needs I just have some disabilities

See me for who I am
Not for my weakness’

I suppose I’m a bit like fate and you’re a bit like time
We are the same
Twin flame?

Fate cannot choose what it wants
It rides the waves and attempts to guess

Time decides it’s every move
Careful planning
Striving to improve

We admire our differences
A perfect disharmony

A sprinkle of logic
And a heaping of chaos

We meet in the middle
But never further

For we’re still independent
The participant and the observer

Sometimes my eyes cloud with anxiety
Everything feels so imperfect
I try and connect with you but I’m in another world.

Sometimes you are lost in your thoughts
silent and observing
I told you I need attention, but you cannot always provide it.

Our insecurities manifest themselves
into our thoughts

Even on those distant days where I am sad and you are far away
I remind myself that my feelings are not always what they seem

I pick myself back up and learn to breathe on my own
So I can hold your hand again and you can let your thoughts be known.

Piece by piece you took me apart

Beginning with my sanity,

then my loved ones

I watched as you took them away

Next my thoughts, no longer my own

Piece by piece you robbed me of myself

I looked in the mirror but saw someone else

Who had I become?

What have you done?

I began to collect each piece you stole

I gathered them up and arranged them like so

First my lungs so I could breathe

Next, my eyes to see, more clearly

Then my hands to hold on to theirs,
I couldn’t do it alone.

I may have put myself back together

But I am not who I was.

I waved goodbye to the self that I once knew,

To welcome the one that knows my weaknesses

Broken to the point of no return

Built back up to be who I am.

I wanted to die for a long time

To give in to eternal sleep
To end the constant anxiety
No more responsibilities
Only rest.

I even tried once.

Now I find myself wanting to live

For so long I lived for others
So they wouldn’t have to lose me

Now I want to live for myself

I know I won’t always have good days
And I will still struggle with anxiety

But if I can live for myself
Than it’s worth it
If I can stop fading
And start shining like I used to
I just might be okay.

As I approach this new year

I will put myself first

Self-care
Consistency
And keeping those I love
Close to me

I will find success in everything I do
I will grow my wealth and my knowledge

I will follow my intuition
And continue to use my abilities to help others
Growing my spiritual gifts
So I may see

I will use my passions to create beautiful things
I will make a difference in this world
I will be an advocate for those who cannot speak up

Above all I will remember to take time to myself
I will listen first, then share
I will show them I care.

I am protected and so are my loved ones
No harm be done
And blessed be

I noticed I stopped being so judgmental

Maybe because I have become more human



                         and in doing so


          I have understood what being human is.


   I am flawed

                                               I make mistakes

      And

                                     I learn

                                                    
                       I improve

        I love

                                                              I hurt

                      And

    
                                  I try again.

I thought you should know
What I notice about you.

You pull me close when you notice I’m quiet
and when I’m too loud you let me shout.
You rub my back and stroke my hair
even when your eyes are tired.
You drive for me when I’ve been smoking
and tuck me in to bed.
You breathe for me when my lungs stop working
and hold up my head.
You wipe my teary eyes with your hands
and remind me who I am
You give yourself to me despite your fears
“I’ll love you forever” you whisper in my ears.
I’m so thankful that you’re in my life
I hope to never leave your side.

Nights in Princeton

The trees watch us wander
The wind follows
The darkness creeps slowly

Surrounded by new friends
I don’t know where to look,
the trees,  
or their eyes

We’re not in the movies

But when I look into your eyes I see blue and purple static

If I stare long enough I get lost in starless pools of deep blue

I could drown in them if you’d let me

Little cottage
In my dreams

Wait for me…

Under the stars

Large windows letting in the breeze
A vast garden
Some willow trees

Sunny days
And some spots of shade
The nights may be dark
But I am not afraid

A few squirrels
And a little cat

So fluffy you might think it’s fat

Me and my someone
Spending our days there
Just us, the trees, and the quiet air….

And in that moment,
your eyes were full of love

And all
I could see
was you.

I’m sorry I could not heal the boy that you were,
but I am not responsible for your scars.

a little cat
sprawled out on the windowsill
gray splotches scatter her coat
a kiss of gold brushes her nose

a soft purr
grumbles

stretching her whole body she yawns, flashing her wicked grin

there her dusty green eyes flicker
as they draw to a close

My mirror looks back at me.

Sometimes I ignore it
Other times I stare

Green eyes are all I see.

I tap the glass
Only to fall in
For eternity

Slipping through

R

         e
  
              A
                  
                   L
                      
                      i

                      T

                    y

I tap the glass again
There’s someone else
Not me?

‘To be or not to be’

The question unanswered

Eventually my stare falters
Thrown off by fears

My face remains a mystery

My body warping as
A light flickers
—————————-
I tap once more
The glass
shatters.

A million knives in skin that doesn’t feel like mine

Smiling through the pain
It’s a flaw in my design

For when I’m bleeding
I forget the warped image in the mirror

Instead I feel free
I disappear
So happily.

Green grass probes my feet, wrinkling my    
nose
A blue sky lets my eyelids grow heavy      
  longing for rest
Cars swish by
Dusty wheels turn on and on
Old roads never end

Everything is so big
But I am so small
All
                                         The
          Stars
                      In
   The
                         Sky
They shine down on me
I can’t help but wonder when I might shine back at them.

I am not perfect

I wish I was.

I wish I could be what you deserved.

Hi again,

I’m sorry I avoided you for so long

I’m sorry I hid from the past

Sometimes looking forward is easier than facing the present

For so long I’ve tried to forget parts of you

The parts that I’m afraid of





But to be my whole self

Means looking at all my pieces

Even the ones I tried to loose


I’m sorry I hated you

I’m sorry I stopped caring

I’m sorry I stopped thinking I was beautiful


I hope you can forgive me

For all my imperfect actions

For my ignorance

And for my fear



I hope you can love me again
Like you used to


Do you remember?

Can I escape ?

The guard laughs

I swallow hard,
a shiver travels all the way up my spine

Can I bear this weight forever ?
Or will I inevitably face my own doom?

I did not choose the bars from which I lie behind,
and yet now I sit staring at them.

They stare back at me and I am finally able to see;

I will not escape.
For my very prison,

is me.

Imperfect selfs

Yet no sign of despair

Love is unconditional
Despite the mistakes

All the little things
Fall away

Only you.

I read your poems

Is this what you were trying to say?

I know that we are different

Our personalities align

but when we walk down the street holding hands, it’s not me they’re staring at.

I wonder about the things my ancestors did that I cannot undo,
I’m afraid to know.

I wonder how yours suffered because of mine

So much hate runs in my family line

I cannot undo it, I cannot take away the fear you feel when it’s getting dark and we’re in a small town in Oklahoma.

I cannot feel what it’s like to be painfully observant of your surroundings, carefully watching those around just in case

I cannot take the burden off your shoulders that rests so heavily

But

I can hold your hand.

When they stare at you I will hold you tighter

When your eyes grow tired and your shoulders weary I can help you rest your head

When you feel distant and remember the things you don’t speak about, I will listen..

..to your words and your eyes, turning purple in the light as you look back into your self.

When you are unsure of yourself in a corporate world not made for you, I will take your hand in mine and encourage you to step forward

Even when you are alone I will stand with you and love you wholly

I cannot change what has been done
I cannot take away your burden
But I can help you bear it if you’d like
I’ll hold your hand so tight!!

I know I like to talk
But for you my sentence stops
For you I will listen to your mind, your heart, and your soul
I will hear what is said and what is unspoken
and I’ll take it all in, in silence
So I might hold your sorrows and feel your pain and laugh with you when you feel joy and cry when you cannot find tears.

I know that we are different

But I will always hold your hand

A little girl no longer so young
She weeps because she is older
Forced off a cliff she hadn’t seen
Flailing,
      screeching,
                   grasping,
for a sturdy point to take hold
But alas not one remains
She falls
They watch
She dies.


By: Sophia Coe

A little mouse crawling out of its hole
Starving for air
Thirsting for freedom

Green trees and shimmering dew drops

Sun-rays dancing

The forest floor feels cold to the touch
Soft after rainfall

The first steps of independence
Taken methodically
Smelling new life and rich soil
One step at a time

Until the beast appears

I wrote out my trauma
like a letter for someone else

I’m not sure why,
but I needed it to be seen

To be heard

Something that always confused me
was why I could never talk about those things

For some reason
saying what needs to be said
wasn’t welcome in my home

Why must you betray my heart when I’ve given all I had to you?

Every time I lose my footing
I fall down and cry
Just like a little girl, tripping over her own feet.

I am older now but my tears never waver.
They well up in my eyes, I can not hold them back.
My anxieties overwhelm my thoughts
My eyes only see my failures

I am thankful that you watch me
even when I hide my face
You ask me what is wrong
even when I cannot speak

As tears run down my face you hold me close
You tell me you won’t ever let me go

You withstand my storms
and wake me from my nightmares
You listen to me, my fears and all
and calm my frenzied mind

My emotions are unstable.
Although I try so hard to function
I can not always

You told me you love me just how I am
and appreciate every flaw
You tell me I am more than I see
and that you’ll never leave me behind.

Missing lemon boy again

Turns out he’s not always so sour,
despite his shades.
I can still see his smile
I hope it never fades

With every passing hour
He crosses my mind
I wish I could see him
I miss feeling, intertwined

I wonder if he’s thinking of me?
or maybe
reading my poetry?

Im not sure why

The king chose to hurt me

Not with his sword

His words, blinded me until I could not see.

A lot of my drawings have blindfold’s
I think the king put them there


Once I ran away,
I took the blindfold off

At first, the lights were too bright
Burning my eyes until I couldn’t think

But a part of me liked regaining
my sight

I often still feel the kings presence
Even when I’m alone.
Sometimes in my closet
Or behind me in the mirror
His evil stare
Judges me
Even there

Now I must face him again
But with a new perspective
I can see, and he could too
He just refuses
To be new

I don’t think he ever was a king
Only an old man with a crown

Now I’ve become a knight
I’ve been training for this
With every piece of me I gain
I fight.

I don’t think I’m afraid anymore
How can you fear someone lost in their own head?

I found my light.

And he chose a blindfold.