it's been a strange trip
trying to get to the point
where I know myself

A comment and a couple likes
is something, but it won’t suffice
there’s fruit down here, it’s free to take
but it’s too ripe to suit my tastes

this ain’t the place that I wanna be
at the bottom of this poet tree
as they all ripen, heavy fruits
come down and knock me for a loop

but still I sit, knots on my skull
can’t find a branch to get a hold
the bark’s too smooth to get a grip
so every time I try, I slip

a couple scrapes, some minor cuts
they sting, but I don’t give a ****
because the place I wanna be
is further up this poet tree

into my head, these thoughts still creep
the sun shines far too bright to sleep
so here I lie, in our Queen-sized bed
as Shadow rests beside my head

a small, black pup
that is her name
she helps me smile
through my pain
she’s with me
everywhere I go
that’s how she got her name,
you know


through speakers Indie music blares
to hide me from the world downstairs
sometimes it helps, I don’t know why
to keep from feeling dead inside

a guilty pleasure that I’ve found
I play with no one else around
when I need time, I need some help
but need to do it by myself

it's effects can be all-encompassing

and if it's forced, it's probably ****

about like a ****

I’ve had this problem
since I was twelve
I never thought
that much of myself
you may not understand
a thing such as this
but life’s hard for a boy
when he thinks he’s got ****

he don’t sleep well at night
he dreads going to school
he stays out of the heat
and stays out of the pool
and it’s hard to find love
when he’s full of self-hate
and he can’t even tell
when he’s lost all that weight

when years later, he’s healthy
his memory sees
when he looks in the mirror
how he used to be
still he counts out the portions
he’s wasting away
though he’s 80 pounds lighter,
he still feels the same

I went down from 240
to 158
but i’m still that fat kid
that’s filled with self-hate
but I deal with it different
than I used to do
now i’m building lean muscle
at 172

I still have the same problem
I’m sick of this ****
when I look in the mirror
I’m still seeing ****
but I guess there’s not really
that much I can do
‘cos that kind of self-image
attaches to you

In a dim-lit room
words left unspoken
our lips are sealed
our hearts wide open
without a word
a lot is said
when we both share
this Queen sized bed

*    
          *
there's something hanging in the air
it caught my senses unaware
you slip your way out of the room
something must've died in you

your poems
in my floor
the dog
hopped off the bed
to recreate them
sometime last night

nothing you can do
'cos when I touch myself, I
always think of you

little ball of fur
claws and sandpaper kisses
too pure for this world

day in, day out,
all the same
eating,
sleeping,
playing games

sometimes I look
at these **** walls
and in a way,
I hope they fall

but then I take
a look outside
and it just makes me
wanna cry

it's so **** cold
I'd freeze to death
so here I sit
and waste my breath

I feel so useless,
so **** lazy
I can't get out
i'm going crazy
I look outside
pray for relief
but the weatherman
says "wait a week"

but it has been
a couple days
don't think I can
go on this way

I have to break out
from my mind
or I won't make it to tonight

I am at peace
I can finally say
there’s no more storm clouds
bound my way
my body’s sore,
my muscles ache
but I’m stronger now
than yesterday

an easy life
I’ll never find
but that’s okay
no, nevermind
it does no good
to ***** and whine
just take my days
one at a time

I’m getting stronger
every day
my muscles sore,
my body aches
but I’m prepared,
let come what may
I am complete, now
I can say

when i'm broken
she will take me, let me feast
in her sacred hall

I forget their names
and I din't visit them, but
they're like my children

in the now,
my feet are planted
so I don’t take my time for granted

I breathe new life
as my expression
and passions have been resurrected

so energized
restored, I sit
my inner fire has been lit

and in my heart,
the fires rage
expelling darkness in my way

now vibrations
in my throat
are of a much more pleasing tone

an open doorway
to my mind
now calmly rests between my eyes

and straight from source
a light shines down
it’s energies into my crown

all systems go
transfer complete
now I can take on anything

don't wait to donate
your soul needs good insurance
for what is to come

try to be productive, but it's
hard to come up with the energy when
the only gift I may possess, my
words cut like a razor's edge and
leave me bleeding

with every negative thought,
another laceration


worthless,

lazy

(my ears are ringing)

"but wait, there's more!"

now comes the replays,

all the times I wasn't there

when I was really needed

(legs feeling weak)

all the people that have left this world

their faces

( I want to curl up in a little ball)

the last time I saw them, and my

mind struggles with that, incessantly

(I no longer want to exist)

until i'm too shattered, too
weak
to drag my *** out of this
bed

when maturity
is learning how not to hate
someone who's wronged you

It shrinks
sometimes
It grows
from too much heat
or too much cold

sometimes
it’s hard
sometimes
it’s soft
sometimes
it wiggles
when I cough

sometimes
it’s new
sometimes
it’s old
sometimes
it’s shy
sometimes
it’s bold

don’t need a spare
but I have two
I don’t know what
they really do
I hate to say
I hate to mention
but sometimes they both crave attention
it’s not profound, or even trippy
I’m only talkin’ bout
my nippies

gotta light the spark
let it burn and fade away
unlearn a few things

your passion erupts
the neighbors all know my name
I'll flip the mattress

by candlelight, I'm warmly dressed

my demons finally at rest

the trick, I guess, to get them ******

and they leave me the **** alone

no feeling less, not good enough

or what-ifs am I thinking of

so good to finally be at peace

i'm simply resting in my seat

anxiety and ADD

don't get the chance to **** with me

existence is pain
and all my daily pursuits
just leave me empty

where I am right now
is where I am meant to be
I'm firmly rooted

out in the cold,
my muscles ache
too stiff to bend
too strong to break

there's work to do
there's wood to split
good thing I love
this kinda ****

I feel the shock,
I feel the sting
each time I make
a solid swing

too stiff to bend,
too strong to break
my hands are numb,
my muscles ache

my core is warm
like I'm on fire
but life don't stop
because I'm tired

each day's a fight
i'm gonna win it
I can't slow down
until I'm finished

have to stay warm
there's wood to split
good thing I love
this kinda ****

hey, do ya
think ya
could break me
off a piece
of that

Kit-Kat?

real quick

this cup she brought me tastes sublime
she knows just how to sweeten mine
this tiny detail might sound strange
but it can really make my day

that first impression, that first cup
reminds me that I'm truly loved
tomorrow seemed so far away
but that was only yesterday

I don’t want to do this
I just want to hide,
just curl up in a ball
while I wait here to die
I don’t know what to say
when you ask me what’s wrong
I wish I could tell you
but I’m just not that strong

the truth is, that
I just don’t feel like living
in a world so judgemental,
so cold, unforgiving
I give it my all
all this world does is take
and it still makes no difference
It’s always the same

I could just disappear
and no one would lose sleep
there’d be someone there
in my place in a week
I just don’t want to do this
I just want to hide
I’m curled up in the darkness
just waiting to die

like a good wood stove
if you can keep the fire lit
you'll always be warm

but I don't know how to
in a world where
not having money
is just another way to be dead

cute little furball
with twenty tiny daggers
big eyes and no tail

Her hair as fresh
as ocean breeze
excites
as it awakens me

her piercing,
vivid,
sparkling eyes
soon have me stuck
I’m hypnotized

with supple, sweet
vanilla scent
and easy smile
she draws me in

and just like that
in seconds flat
the world just slips away

and all my worries
all my hurries
vanish in a haze

and ever since
that fateful day
we met,
she makes me feel
this way
a kind of love
I’m speaking of
‘s the kind that doesn’t fade

fat
until I lost some weight
now people fear I’ll waste away
too quiet
‘til I speak my mind
now they’re all ******,
wish I would die
wear too much black
wear pink one day
now everyone assumes I’m gay
work out an hour,
now I’m crazy
I take a break
now i’m too lazy
the truths I tell
become a lie
all people do is criticize
too meek
too weak
an ***
too crass
It doesn’t change
until I die
nobody will be satisfied

she's my puzzle

all the pieces are there,
but the box is missing

she's my chalice

I only fill her
with the finest

she's my mirror

and I am growing fond
of my reflection

she's my sword

ready to cut a path
through those who stand in my way

she's my shield

always there for me
in the heat of battle

she's my Queen
and it is an honor
to serve her

and she's my religion

she gives me something
to believe in

with a heart, there’s desire

where a want, there’s a need

there may be a tomorrow

it’s not guaranteed

where you don’t take a chance

then I’m sure you have failed

such is our lives

and what they entail

you’re sure to encounter

it’s well understood

but why not try something?

as “can’t” never could

feel the power surge come through my feet
as my body sways to an unheard beat
was feeling drained, forgot to charge it
something popped and someone farted

make great people, but
people make terrible dogs
...and stuff such as that

the waking hours can be chaotic,

like being in the eye of the storm

I see the destruction around me,

hear the deafening sounds of the winds,

and i'm not sure which way to go,

if I was to run away

but after it dissipates, the days return

to a peaceful, harmonious state

and nights with her are calm and tranquil

The Arctic Monkeys rattle my brain
nearly into a trance
while the lyrics cut
into my subconscious,
leaving me just a hint of sober

while she's sleeping, I slave
bleed my brain into this blank screen,
into this ******* machine,
so my feelings can be made public,
yet for the most part, unseen

it's odd, you know, I feel
further isolated, yet somehow,
part of something bigger, something,
I don't know, eternal,
when I feed this dysfunctional family

i'm basically either homicidally happy,
or suicidally sad

but sometimes, i'm a bit of both

20 when I use the bathroom

and I drink lots of water

20 in the morning

and 20 before bed