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i'm basically either homicidally happy,
or suicidally sad

but sometimes, i'm a bit of both
day in, day out,
all the same
eating,
sleeping,
playing games

sometimes I look
at these **** walls
and in a way,
I hope they fall

but then I take
a look outside
and it just makes me
wanna cry

it's so **** cold
I'd freeze to death
so here I sit
and waste my breath

I feel so useless,
so **** lazy
I can't get out
i'm going crazy
I look outside
pray for relief
but the weatherman
says "wait a week"

but it has been
a couple days
don't think I can
go on this way

I have to break out
from my mind
or I won't make it to tonight
everyone and everything is getting to me, and I don't want to do ****. Just wanna hibernate, but my ******, scumbag brain won't let me sleep
sadly, I'm sadder
in this moment than I was
just moments ago
bipolar life is like a rollercoaster. I don't mind the highs so much, but the lows...

I think I'm gonna throw up
existence is pain
and all my daily pursuits
just leave me empty
well, it's been a good run, mania...

nice seein' ya
Another day, another ache
my mind is just a total blank
I punch these keys, to no avail
but won’t allow myself to fail
I feel so useless, feel so dumb
I struggle, but the words won’t come
a waste of space, a waste of time
I lost that spark I had inside

I used to have so much to write
sometimes it’d keep me up at night
now where it was, there’s just an ache
my mind is still a total blank
still punching keys, to no avail
another try, another fail
I’m such a failure, i’m so dumb
these ******* words won’t seem to come

a waste of time, a waste of space
my failure stares me in the face
or maybe at another time
I can put something in these lines
or maybe some good tunes would help
no, i’m just lying to myself
I lost that spark I had inside
my life is just a waste of time
re-post from Dec
Colten Sorrells Dec 2018
I wake up every morning
and try to be fruitful
do something, say something
try to be useful
but I realize at the end of the day
that I’m just filling time
with these meaningless things

I play games,
I write things,
exercise,
get some sleep

feel the burn,
toss and turn,
then I rinse and repeat

and if, for some reason
I didn’t get up
then it’d all be the same
‘cos no one gives a ****

my love says I need help,
and that ****** me off
‘cos I know there’s no pill
that can make this all stop

when you have no desire
too tired to live
those antidepressants
aren’t gonna do ****
Believe me, I've tried
Colten Sorrells Dec 2018
I failed my attempt at a routine  today
I struggled to sleep and I got up too late
but at least I worked out, got my muscles warmed up
still, I never feel like I did quite enough

then I ate some oatmeal, just a half of a cup
but since I got it down, now it’s trying to come up
now my girlfriend is grumpy, don’t know what to do
‘cos she ran out of smokes, so I failed at that, too

I really don’t know where I’ll come up with cash
it’s not like I can pull a few bucks out my ***
so I guess I’m just ******, not a thing I can do
I’m so over today, I want it to be through
I just wanna sleep for an hour or two. Or maybe til this Shitmas thing is over
Colten Sorrells Dec 2018
I toss and turn as things I’ve said
play on repeat inside my head
and feel the burning sting of shame
that shows no signs of going away

these past few days I’ve been a *****
to think about it makes me sick
instead of showing gratitude
I’ve had a ****** attitude

I don’t know how I could forget
that lately I have been so blessed
most every night, I fall asleep
beside someone who cares for me

and every morning, I wake up
she makes a *** and brings a cup
and she reminds me with a smile
that she’ll be there for quite awhile

in life, I never thought I’d have
somebody that could love like that
she truly treats me like a King
I don’t do much of anything

I have to show my gratitude
and change my ****** attitude
I have to treat her like the Queen
that she has always been to me
She's sleeping soundly, but it looks like it's gonna be a long night for me
Colten Sorrells Dec 2018
I don’t want to do this
I just want to hide,
just curl up in a ball
while I wait here to die
I don’t know what to say
when you ask me what’s wrong
I wish I could tell you
but I’m just not that strong

the truth is, that
I just don’t feel like living
in a world so judgemental,
so cold, unforgiving
I give it my all
all this world does is take
and it still makes no difference
It’s always the same

I could just disappear
and no one would lose sleep
there’d be someone there
in my place in a week
I just don’t want to do this
I just want to hide
I’m curled up in the darkness
just waiting to die
not even sure what triggered this episode. I felt great when I first woke up
Colten Sorrells Dec 2018
fat
until I lost some weight
now people fear I’ll waste away
too quiet
‘til I speak my mind
now they’re all ******,
wish I would die
wear too much black
wear pink one day
now everyone assumes I’m ***
work out an hour,
now I’m crazy
I take a break
now i’m too lazy
the truths I tell
become a lie
all people do is criticize
too meek
too weak
an ***
too crass
It doesn’t change
until I die
nobody will be satisfied
can't please everybody... or, anybody, in my case. But f**k 'em
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