The times would shift and break to change bringing a range of emotions and feelings. It was kind of strange. I had to arrange my brain to remove the pain for a wave of thought, for a brief second until my life was naught.
Something my mind came up with during a hypomanic episode.
Friends and family often ask me what suffering from bipolar is like I always give the same cookie-cutter response. It is comprised of really high highs It also has really low lows and If you are fortunate enough you have periods of baseline. I have never been able to explain that complexity in my head. I was never been able to explain the pain and suffering that has been happening for over 8 years.
I was never able to explain that the lows are sometimes last months or years of hate and self-loathing. I was never able to explain the thought never stops you can not eat, sleep, or breathe without feeling pain. I was never able to explain that you feel like your drowning and you are using all your energy to stay afloat that it is easier to just give up some time and sink. I was never able to explain that everything is spinning out of control that you cling on to anything you can. I was never able to explain that the hurtful thing I caused to myself was out of survival to show to myself I could still control something, anything in a place that feels like you will never feel stable again.
I was never able to explain how the highs are not highs they are a monster dressed as an angle that seduces you to believe that things are better. I was never able to explain how that demon pushes you past all your limits until you find yourself alone and drained. I was never able to explain the addiction to the feeling of happiness that comes on occasions with the highs I was never able to explain that after living in darkness for so long the high is all you can ask for even if you know it will hurt you.
If I had to explain to people now what it is like to suffer from bipolar disorder is like, I would say it is exhausting. The thoughts never end. They never stop no matter how depressed or manic you are. You lie awake all night because you can not silence them. You wake up before sunrise because your awoken by the racing of the thoughts. Your brain never stops. You are left on the floor immobilized unable to do anything but listen to your head feeding you lies. You are left with a body that can no longer function. You are left exhausted and that feeling never goes away. If I had to describe bipolar disorder in one word it would be Exhaustion
Another day, another ache my mind is just a total blank I punch these keys, to no avail but won’t allow myself to fail I feel so useless, feel so dumb I struggle, but the words won’t come a waste of space, a waste of time I lost that spark I had inside
I used to have so much to write sometimes it’d keep me up at night now where it was, there’s just an ache my mind is still a total blank still punching keys, to no avail another try, another fail I’m such a failure, i’m so dumb these ******* words won’t seem to come
a waste of time, a waste of space my failure stares me in the face or maybe at another time I can put something in these lines or maybe some good tunes would help no, i’m just lying to myself I lost that spark I had inside my life is just a waste of time
I failed my attempt at a routine today I struggled to sleep and I got up too late but at least I worked out, got my muscles warmed up still, I never feel like I did quite enough
then I ate some oatmeal, just a half of a cup but since I got it down, now it’s trying to come up now my girlfriend is grumpy, don’t know what to do ‘cos she ran out of smokes, so I failed at that, too
I really don’t know where I’ll come up with cash it’s not like I can pull a few bucks out my *** so I guess I’m just ******, not a thing I can do I’m so over today, I want it to be through
I just wanna sleep for an hour or two. Or maybe til this Shitmas thing is over