It feels like
I've been alone for years
And she is so beautiful
It hurts.

I feel like I'm cheating
When I kiss him
Or hold his hand
I feel so guilty
When I'm happy
And content in his arms
I feel like I'm cheating
On you with him
And all the things you do for her
You never did with me
Makes me feel justified
My ****** up head
My ****** up life
***** this

And I loved her with all my heart
My soul and body
But all my love
Is nothing
Compared to hers.
My love is worthless
Standing next to
Her love.
She is better.
Brighter.

Funny how
I went from
Church every Sunday
And kissing boys
Only happened a week
After I started dating them

Strange how now
I haven't gone
To church in months
And how
Me and my best friend
Take turns
Giving the same boy
A ******* on the way home
From another party
After getting drunk
And fighting another girl together

I just want him
To reach out
And hold my hand.

If I end up
Killing myself
Please oh please
Forget me
I went through the trouble
Of killing myself to forget you.
At least return the favor.

My most favorite thing
Is when they still have long hair
And dress like guys do now
Not super baggy pants
But not form fitting either

And you take them to bed,
Or, knowing stems,
They take you to bed.
And all that manliness
About them is still
Just barely there,
In the ***** of their shoulders
And the way their hands touch you

But then they get undressed
And it's the most beautiful
Combination
Of boy and girl.
They're so fresh and confident
But not cocky

They're respectful and talented
And it's like they try to only
Show the manly side

But then you get into bed
And it's like unwrapping
A present
That only gets better
Every time you unwrap it

A little piece of their femininity
Uncovered just for you,
In that moment only.

I smile at everything she is
She is every Disney Princess
There ever was
And I'm in love.
She has the strength of Mulan
With a Beauty like Belle
The defiance of Ariel
And a voice like Aurora
She has kindness like Cinderella
And can cook like Tiana.
She is my very own
Disney princess
The best there ever was
All their perfect qualities
Rolled into one.

"do you love your sin enough to burn in hell forever?"
Who? Who is that sin..? That beautiful girl next to me? And to answer your question, if this was sin, yes. A million times yes. Waking up today to see her face smiling at me is worth it. And when Satan is torturing me, I'll remember the love I have received from her. That is how it isn't a sin. Because this love isn't twisted, it isn't hurting anybody, and I am happy and so is she. It is real love. And we aren't hurting anybody. Why do you care so much about my life and who I choose to be with? Doesn't affect you none.  So ******* and your empty words that shouldn't pack in so much hurt. But they do.

I am tired of sneaking out
And getting in his creaky old truck
Staying up so **** late
Sneaking back in at 6 am
And then getting drunk
Isn't me
Isn't fun
I can't sleep
I don't want to eat
A sickness in my stomach
Lurking to come.
Happy New Years,
Have more than a couple beers,
And regret it later.

And the thing was
I was falling so hard for you
I had jumped off the cliff
Hoping you would catch me
At the bottom

I wore
Your necklace of hickeys
Around my neck

But once I saw the ground
And realized you weren't there
The necklace turned into a noose
And tightened right before
I hit the ground

My last thought was
How relieved I was you caught me
Even if if wasn't in the way
I wanted

She grabs me by my hair
And pushes me face down onto the bed, running her hands
Up and down my thighs and ***,
Grabbing and massaging.

Pull down your pants
She says, eerily calm
So I pull them down
She helps me, then slides her
Hands back up my thighs
And ***.

Slap
I flinch, feeling my
Right cheek tingle
And then suddenly she does
It again.

It becomes a rhythm,
Then she grabs me by
My hair and yanks my head up,
My breathing heavy and
Almost pained

You will say again before
Every time I spank you.
You will say thank you after
Every time I spank you.
Do you understand?
She says, her voice low
And heavy in my ear.
Yes I breathe
Yes What? grabbing
My hair harder
Yes...again I moan
Slap
Thank you
Again
Slap
Thank you
*Again

I will remember myself
At the bottom
Of a bottle
And at the mouth
Of a pipe.

The cuts turned into scars
Months ago
But I still flinch when
The showers spray
Touches it

My weekend consisted of
Stained and pained smiles
And fists and hits
It was smoking
And it was clowns
And im a beautiful girl
But I am filled with regret
And soft hands left marks
On my body
That I can't even remember
Until I find out later
And I see their stares
And I am guilty within
My parents trust.
My weekends consist of
Sneaking out
And having a *******
Can't tell anybody
Or else I'll be branded as a *****
When I don't even
Remember half of it!
Flashing lights
And falling falling
Sweaty skin
And bitter lips
This is what
My weekend consisted of.

Time doesn't do anything
But make you numb
To some of the moments
You felt
The most.

Hey there lonely girl
Did you have to tell your friends
About the way I got you screaming
My name?

The airport
Has a clean smell
That furls into your nose
And on your jacket
And it reaches your
Mind
And your
Heart
The smell
Causes years
It wants you to leave
It wants you to stay
It's the smell of departure
Hopeful and new
Or old and tired
It's leaving
Forever
Or just a couple weeks
It's vacation
And loss
It's departure.

Perfection found its way
Into her eyes and eyelashes
Her hair and her eyebrows
The curve of her lips when we kiss
It found its way
Into her flawless smooth tan skin
And into her hand
When she squeezes mine

You're exactly the kind of girl
Who will give me amazing memories
Whispered secrets
Hickeys in spots only you can see
Then leave me
Act like it never happened
And be totally okay

And I'm so scared
Because you're the kind of girl
I promised myself I wouldn't fall for
But goddamnnit I haven't
Ever fallen this hard
In my life

I wish I could go back in time
And save you from my mess
I wish I never hurt you
With my actions or my words
You wouldn't have to deal with
My 3am cruelty
Or my sorrowful sobs
For no reason
You'd never go on that rollercoaster
But somehow
I've convinced you
It was worth it

He leans his head back,
Closes his eyes.
Sighed.
"you drive me crazy.."
He sits up, looks out the window.
Mutters:
"and not the good kind of crazy."

I sit there, not caring.
All I can think of is how
Ill never be the good kind of anything.

I look at her
And wonder how
Such a perfect person
Could be created

I guess I always fall for
Blond hair
and
blue eyes

It's a little bit scary
No--
******* terrifying
To know that
I can be the happiest person alive
For a moment
Then feel nothing at all the next

I ask what am I?

He says You are poison.

I say I know.

He says sorry if that answer was bad.

I say *No, it wasn't a bad answer. It was a real answer.

Things he couldn't do for me:
Hold my hand in public
Kiss me in public
Give me his shirts or hoodies 
Keep us exclusive
Wait to have ***
Wait for anything
Wouldn't role play
Say I love you in person
Try to see me
Make me feel loved
Ignore the other girls

Things he could do (and did):
Break up with me
Kiss me in private
Try to get me high 
Make me feel bad
Lie to me 
Date my best friend
Pressure me for ***
******* off
Flirt with other girls
Make me feel stupid
And insecure
And ugly.
He made me feel like I'd never be good enough. 
He made me cry and dry heave.
Be forgiven with a smile.
Make me hate myself.
Make me think; if I was truly beautiful, wouldn't he want me? If he thought I really was gorgeous and perfect, why was he with her? 
Why did you choose her that night?
I could feel the depth of my words that night. It scared me. Why did you lie? I told you I didn't care if you were flirting with other girls. 
That night you went to Alex's. Dated Amanda of all people. That lasted not even a month. 
It killed me seeing photos of you with her. Still does. You and her, smiling and laughing at the camera. You're her 'bro'. You teaching her to longboard. You promised me you'd teach me how to. I miss your smile before your braces. I miss your forearms. Every time I saw them I wanted to run my hands along them. I miss your hands, holding mine so tight my fingers and knuckles were white and purple. Their roughness on my bare ******* and ***.
 I wish ÿöü had snuck out on that night I was home alone. I wasn't ready to give you my virginity, but I was ready to make you happy. To make myself feel wanted. 
I regret not kissing you at that camp. If I could go back in time I would kiss you every chance I got. I would kiss your lips and neck, run my hands on your neck and chest and arms. Feel your power. 
I regret our last time kissing was over a year ago. I wish I could kiss you up until the point that me and mykayla started dating. 
I wish I had been braver and bolder. I wish I took the chances, I wish I went too far. I wish I had something more to regret than all that time wasted on not touching you

Look at the ground
Keep your head down
Hands in your lap
And either a
"yes" or "I'm sorry"
Sitting on your lips
Listen to her words
She is your mother after all
She loovves you right?
Ignore the smart *** way
She tells you how she knows it
Better than you
Knows love better than you
Take it take it in
Cause if you don't
She can take it all away

God you made me think my own father wouldn't love me
And now it's too late
She is with someone better than me now
Someone that's actually skinny
And so beautiful and tan
And she can dance
And she is wonderful
I hate her
I hate her
It's too late
I hate you

Oh baby I can tell
You've got that self destructive
Streak in you

You like to drink hard liquor
Without any chasers
Smoke too many cigarettes
And dip if you're offered
You'll try any drug
At least once
But marijuana and Molly
Are your favorites.

Staying sober isn't on your agenda
Because when you're intoxicated
Life is a blur, a movie

Your tumblr is littered
With too skinny girls
Who you wished you looked like
And pictures of
******* **** and *****
Are every other repost
And inbetween them are soft little
Poems about being alone
Or being in love

And you've never felt so empty

Small glances
Texts
And almost romances.
We were lovers from afar.
Were.
Now it's second chances
Long phone calls
And a promising romance.
I want it all.
Now it's
Yes I would run away with you
I want to--
But.
My family..
And that surprised me.
He would?
him?

She has been my friend
Since fourth grade
In sophomore year
It died out
A long lasting friendship
Turned to ashes
But now I took the step
I talked to her first
And now
We are reunited
In friendship.

I find the curve of your nose
To be beautiful
And how the corners
Of your lips turn when you talk
I love your eyelashes
And when you play dance with me

Your long blond hair
And your fingertips
Short fingernails
But
You're so perfect
All the same to me

I love it when you laugh
Into my shoulders
Cause I said something funny

And oh **** I love it
When you hold me
And whisper
I could stay like this forever

Cause my heart skips a beat
When you smile
After I whisper
*Me too

Its simply very easy.
Kiss them.
Hold them.
Make them feel safe.
Loved.
Wanted.

Then leave them.

Don't call them.
Don't text them.

Then show up out of the blue
With an
"I still love you"
On the tip of your tongue
With another girls Hickeys
Necklaced on your neck.

Keep your distance.
Call them late at night.
Fall asleep on the phone
To them.

Give them hope.
Remind them that
They
Haven't
Moved
On
At
All.

Sweet and sticky
Soft and cinnamon
Yes yes
**** another cute ******
Wake up to a cinnamon roll.
Yes yes
Bitter and slick
Hard and sugary
Yes yes
**** another hot guy
Wake him up with your cinnamon roll.
Yes yes

I hate everything about her
Her Facebook pictures
And her posts
Her skinny little waist
And big blue eyes
******* hate that *****
It's forever a war
Her pants pulled up too tight
And a ****** look on her face
I'd fight her
I'd gladly hit her
Break each perfect tooth
Out of her ***** mouth
And rip out her hair
And earrings
And **** that *****
Certainly somebody
I would never miss
I hate her
And her friends
I hate her
I hate her

Be who you want to be.
Love who you want to love.

Wear what you want,
Kiss who you want,
Say what you want.

It doesn't matter if you
Are straight or lesbian
Or gay or bi or trans
Or ace or pan.

It doesn't matter if you
Are white or black
Or Asian or Mexican.

Be who you want to be.
Own who you are.
And if you have to burn a few
Bridges to become who you
Truly are,

Then those bridges that were burned
Never really mattered
In the first place.

Just **** this.
**** THIS.

Her fingers pressing against
My hips
Pushing searching
Sweet taste in my mouth
Tongues playing
A game they know all too well
Shirt shoes jeans all off
Just me and her
Our skin hot and our breath
Ragged
But we drink each other in
And smile at our nakedness
The beauty of it all
Still amazes me
And I am in awe
As my fingertips dance across her
Naked shoulder
And waist
To pull her neck close
For a sensual kiss

Who gives a **** about the clothes you wear or the color of your skin or the way you talk or who you love or what ink you have or how you do your makeup or what weight you are or what you got pierced because none of it should matter.

We should give a **** about what you've accomplished and how you choose to express yourself and what you want to be not who you were or are.

All of society is thinking about how the outside reflects the inside, and it does. But people think you have to have a certain kind of outside to have a good inside; formal clothes, formal speaking, no criminal record, a certain skin color, a certain sexuality, no visible tattoos and dear god take that piece of metal out of your nose.
And if you don't have the right outside, you are not professional enough, not smart enough, and you don't care enough.

Well excuse me. I didn't know I had to care so much I had to hide who I really am.

I love the feel of
Her bony hips
Shivering underneath my fingertips.

I miss the days of long swirling breezy skirts
And missing teeth smiles.
I miss playing with my dog and eating the
Wild raspberries in the woods.
I miss carving pumpkins and being a princess.
I loved my parents old worn bed
And all my sisters barbies.
I can almost feel the warm sun on my back
And taste the cold ice cream in my mouth.
My sister teaching me how to stop a bike
By walking in front of me so I'd have to stop it.
More than once did I veer away and crash in the
Old sticker bushes.
I miss dads barbecue, and hating
Those bratwurst he cooked sometimes.
I miss my aunt and uncle, when they were still together.
I miss my cousins. And playing tag with them.
I miss the innocence of kissing by the swings
At recess, and blushing all day long.
I wish I could go back
To those simpler times,
When everything was black and white.
When my mind focused on my dolls hair,
Instead of focusing on work.
I miss my childhood and my new youth.
At the age of fifteen,
I already feel spent.

Are you in love with your depression?

Because I sure am with mine. My life
Is a sunny day and ice water right now.
Yet I still see clouds touching the mountains.

I wonder what brought me to jump at every crack
On the sidewalk.

So I trace my steps back and reopen every healed scar along the way,
And laugh at the lies I told myself about life being okay.

I wonder how I got here, laying next to a 6'4" beautiful giant who is in love with me,

And I wonder if I love him for him or if I love him for loving me.

I can't ruin it this time.

Tight smiles
At dinner again
Compliments to mother again
Little brother leaves the table first
Off he goes to his room he runs
If only my feet could race to my room
Like they could when I was little.

Into the living room
To watch a movie again
Father is already in his chair asleep
Sister grabs a tall glass
Fills it to the brim with Jameson whiskey
And ice.

I try to retreat
To my comforting room
With its comforting smell
And I slip by into the computer room.
After a while I sneak upstairs
Dreading saying goodnight.

Reading a book
Laying down
Mother comes in with an anger.
"why didn't you say goodnight?"
She demands
"what is so special about up here...?"

She leaves with a prim goodbye
And I let out an annoyed sigh
And pore myself into the pages
Trying to forget
How horrible and fake
My family is.

And I did it.
I got an abortion.
I laid down that night and felt
My soft stomach.
Yesterday night,
Cells were multiplying
And they were becoming
Those little fingers and toes.
But I had to.
The women there were very supportive.
It's MY life.
MY choice.
MY baby.
But I'm going to miss
The feeling of love.
I turn around and lay on my side,
So I can't hold my lower belly.
That baby was my baby.
Now.... It isn't. It's gone.
It's dead. Was it even alive?
Did it have an heartbeat?
It soon would have.
And now I will never give birth to it,
Never hold it in my arms.
I can't watch them take their first step,
Or see their first smile or
Hear their first laugh or word.
I can't hold it when they cry,
Or pick out presents for their birthdays.
I'll never know that baby's
Personality,
I'll never be able to tuck it in at night
And sing it to sleep.
I can't check for monsters under their bed,
Or send them off to their
First day of school.
I can't see them at their last day.
I can't see them at their wedding.
Or hold their children.
Or bicker over wine with them.
No, those tiny little cells
Were mine. And my future.
And I took it away.
Now I'm **** sobbing,
Wishing of what could be.

My fingertips tremble
Upon her smooth skin
My breath falters
As my lips touch hers
My tongue curls in pleasure
At the taste of her
My body turns to her
Every pleasure
And I couldn't be
More in awe
Than I am
Of her and her beauty.

Laying in my bed
Full of disappointment
At 10:24 pm
Cause you were supposed to
Be here next to me
But instead you're out
With a bottle on your lips
And powder around your nose

I knew you'd be bad for me
But ****

And my mother tight lipped smile
My fathers "I don't even want to know"
Makes it obvious Im the black sheep.
My sister is an ivy league college girl
And my brother is so smart and the favorite,
But I'm the one who has fallen in love
And has taken the price for it twice.
I see the disappointment in their eyes
Feel them shadow me away
As if me dating another girl
Is the worst thing possible.
Once I can leave this godforsaken house
I will be free
To love her freely.

You try to not look
Into their eyes
And get lost in their desperate kisses

Cause all that they are
Is a phantom of
What could've been.

Don't you hate staying up late
When you're all alone
With your thoughts
And your regrets
And you don't have anything to drink
Or anything to smoke
So you just sit there
Laying on your back
Feeling the stray tears
Slide down the sides of your cheeks
And into your ears