I want to run away
Back into the seventh grade
I want to lay my head on my mothers lap
And feel her comb her fingers through my hair
I want to go there
To that moment we became friends
That bond we thought could never end
Our youth spent on wanting to grow up
I want to feel complete again
I fear that was the last time I ever did
Time is my worst enemy
I cannot seem to stop it
From forgetting to pick me up,
And move me along with it.
I’m so starved for conversation
For a friend
I just really want a friend
I just need one
Just somebody who likes to be around me
And we can talk for hours or sit in silence
And still have fun
We could gossip and do each other’s makeup
And I could let them cry on my shoulder
And I could cry on theirs
And they would listen, really listen to me
And understand me
I am alone
I have no friends
Not even one
Nobody likes to be around me,
Or talk to me or even be in the same room as me.
I’m no fun.
I can’t gossip because I have no friends
And my shoulder is hard to cry on
And I cry too much for theirs
My problems are minuscule,
Nobody could empathize with me.
I am sitting alone in my bedroom.
I just got off work.
My boyfriend is still gone.
Nobody is home.
In this infinitely finite pocket of time,
It almost feels as if I do not exist.
The bedroom door is closed,
I picture space and nothingness beyond it.
It surrounds my room,
It creeps in my head.
This cage of loneliness does not leave.
I know right now,
Nobody is thinking of me.
Nobody is wishing they were next to me.
If I were to just disappear,
Nobody would notice.
That is freeing, and terrifying.
Consciousness is a cage
I do not wish to live in anymore
I feel so lonely even when you have your arms around me
I hold myself much worse than you do
But I like the former more than the latter
I guess I’m destined to die alone
Without you I don’t even have any friends
I’d have to move alone.
Isn’t the whole point of love to be less lonely?
How come I still feel alone?
How come I don’t like it when you hold me?
I don’t want you to **** me.
I don’t want you to make love to me.
I don’t want you.
But I know if I don’t stay with you I will die alone.
Can I turn my back on you?
Over not feeling fulfilled?
I don’t know if I can live a lie anymore.
God help me.
I’m going to either die alone,
Or die feeling alone.
I don’t know which one is worse.
So this is it, then.
This is how you love me?
With your back turned away.
With your arms holding yourself.
This is how you love me.
With your eyes never leaving your phone screen.
Your hands never reaching for mine.
You don’t find me in the dark.
Help me, I’m stuck in it without you.
My lips long to be kissed.
My body longs to be held.
My voice longs to be heard.
Don’t you want to make me laugh?
Don’t you want to sing and dance with me?
Why is having fun with you no fun at all?
Can’t catch a break or my breath
I’m going to die from all this stress
You’re all sharp teeth and jagged edges
Every time we touch it’s electric
Slowly taking bites from my hips to my lungs.
Break my ribs open
There’s my heart next to my shattered sternum
When you pull away my breathing is ragged
Lick the blood off your bottom lip.
Kiss me with it.