baby, don't
misunderstand

internal
struggles
are a mess

all i've got
is hope

that one day,
i'll find solid
ground

so i can return
to myself

and safely land.

return to sender,
i will not surrender;

this postcard is
a testament.

i promise you that
my will is strong,

and i will find
solace and center

because
i didn't make
it this far

to give up
on a future
together,

forever.

so baby, please
understand

internal
struggles
are a mess.

all i've
got is hope

and my word
that one day,

i'll return
to myself

and safely land.

Storm clouds raging
in my head
for days on end

Feeling temporary,
heartbroken,
stuck within.

Lightning strikes,
thunder echoes,

each boom feeling like

a shock to the heart,

and I'm trying
my best
to not
fall apart.

I try to find
that spark inside,

and I know the light
hasn't faded

because I know
I may be numb, but
I'm not dead inside.

Riding the storm,
it's hard to hold on

when I don't know
what the future holds.

But I know
to get past
it all,

I've got to
press forward,
process,

and move on.

Time.
A fraction of a second, you called my name.

Reunited.
This rope, cut free from the time I've spent with you, remembering the promise of being together forever.

Second chances,
All that you had to give me when I was at fault, when I was the one who kept you up at night. When I was the one who fought the fight, you remained persistent through it all.

Forgiving.
Waiting for the phone call,
Knowing that if I come back,
You'd relieve yourself of despair.

Displaced.
Spreading like a virus,
the predicament you wished you'd never have to face.
Broadcast over a series you wished you haven't watched or set eyes upon.

While you were waiting at the doorstep to resolve the situation,
He was displaced, immersed in the river before you could come to realisation.

You exhaled, breathing in the life you're so lucky to have,
Mourning over the thought of one more day without him.

You could have changed the past.
Reversed the roles of right and wrong.
Tell him, that through it all, he's still your serenading song,
Before you left him on the roadside.

why do i always
go after myself

pick apart every
single thought

tear myself to
pieces and

find excuses
to not have a
heart?

life doesn't go
according to plan

and two years in
i'm caught in-between
lies i told myself

that buried me
deep within.

there's no mystery
i lived in
make-believe

it was a safety-net,
a fantasy
that made me believe

it could one day be.

but one day,
i woke up and realized

feeling sorry for myself
only goes so far, and leaves
me paralyzed.

i had to move on
from this nightmare.

i had to finally
move past,
and leave behind,

the memories with
rose-colored eyes.

another day
into the next

nothing changes
except the test

same sun,
rain, and
clouds

same ****
life, same ****
town.

medicated,
and can't make
sense of self

the words in my
head blur
again

and i'm right
back to the

same **** life,
same **** high

stuck in the middle,
with no one to save me
this time.

Didn’t use to
hesitate for
a single second,

Jumping to
conclusions,

And headfirst
into all the
evidence.

I never doubted
a word you said,

Even if the words
I said weren’t so
clear.

I never
learned to put

trust
within
myself,

Lived my
life, hiding
in fear of
self.

It’s not an
easy thing to
admit,

And
I know all
the things
I’ve done.

Saying sorry won’t
make it all come undone.

I don't know what hell you've been through,
I'm not sure how many days,
You've endured loneliness and neglect

You could have reached out.
Instead, you decided.
Living was just a game,
And completely took everyone by storm.

And I'm not sure why
You took your own life.

I'll question it 'til the end of time.

You've had so much going for you.
But in your eyes, there was nothing left to live for

Why you couldn't speak up,
Before it was too late...

Why you didn't tell anyone,
And only gave us a short moment's notice.
Before you pulled that trigger

How was it logical,
Perfectly normal,
For you to think
You'll leave this world today?

...Now all we have,
Are the memories and the image of
What we once knew how you used to be

Lay the first strike
Because you just
Want to cause a scene

Once so gentle, serene
You kept taking my
Energy  

Taking all the weight
Pushing on my shoulders
You kept on crushing
Me

I don’t know who
Gets to suffer worst

Because I'm out of breath
And I'm nowhere near first

And where are you?
You’re nowhere to be seen

You’re hiding,
Complacent, living like

Everyone owns you
Every explanation

Even if you
Never gave them  
Anything in return

Simmer down,
Because karma’s  
Gonna get you first

Treat people without  
their worth

And they’ll be the ones
To leave you first

So lay the first strike,
I don’t wanna hear  
Any of it  

You’ve taken my energy,
But not everything
Is gone,  
and ripped in pieces

Simmer down
Because karma’s
A silent enemy,
That doesn’t
Give up, no.

took a dive and hit the deep end again

oh, where did it all go wrong?
(where did it all go wrong?)

it’s hard to pinpoint, or start,
i caused so many problems

(i feel so hollow)

all i know is destruction is my adrenaline
and

i don’t want the high to ever end.

i don’t want to feel.
i don’t want to heal.

so give me the fix, and let’s pretend,

because all i’ve got is sink or swim,
survive, and hold on,

because this wire has frayed,
split apart

and took a nosedive
headfirst into the heart.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

i took a chance, now star-crossed

the fire in me, once strong,
sways and flickers,
before going dark.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

the wires are crossed,
the messages aren’t clear
and

habits die hard.

the question is whether i can quit this

or will i dive headfirst
into my own sins?

clouded by judgment, lost within,

can’t say i didn’t give my all.

i just find it easier
just to give in.

I haven’t given up,
But the energy inside me
has dimmed over time.

Life has swallowed me whole,
And I’m caught in the tide of a
never-ending spiral,
Drowning at every word.

Will I make it out of
this storm, or be carried away
by the waters, no sign of life
and screams left unheard?

I’m content with suffering,
but this emptiness inside me,
persists without warning.

I forgot how to feel,
Forgot how to smile,

The last time I felt
something,

I haven’t felt that
way in a while.

And so life
reminds me,

That no matter
what I do, or where
I go,

My problems always
follow me, even when
I’m alone.

I haven’t given up,
And I haven’t broken
down,

But I know my
problems won’t go away
until I’m six feet underground.

Here we go again.

Another poem focused
on the past, focused on
sins.

Another stanza of a
pain so deep inside,
that there’s no way out
from within.

Days go by and it never left,
Depression, obsession, and
a little possession,

It’s demonic,
and not right.

But suffering
never ends.

Breathe. Inhale. Live. Die.

Smoke and mirrors,
all the time.

Here we go again.

Another poem,
another line,

Written and signed

By the artist who lost
the will to live and survive.

I’ve given myself
A million little reasons
Why  

I don’t deserve
The comfort, but
Not a day goes
By

I wish I was  
In your arms
Again.

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons

Just to avoid the  
Rising tide

Emotional chemicals,
Mixing, sending my soul  
In overdrive.

Overwhelmed, and  
realized tortured  
Soul,

Hoping my heart
Can learn to love
Amid this lull.  

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons
Why  

But there’s something
About you that makes
Me want to  

Try.

you don’t talk
to me

you make it
hard to see

it takes
two to tango

and i’m tired
of playing
guesswork

that’s got me
all tangled up
and confused.

so when you
showed up

the last time
at my door

and told me
it wasn’t meant
to be

i was certain,
for sure,
that nothing was
wrong.

but you led me
on,

and said it was
only for
your benefit

and nothing more.

now i’m ripping
the pages from this
book

because i’m
just sick of it all,

sick of writing
chapters and

sick of falling
in love.

i don’t wanna
be lonely forever

but if that’s what
it takes to heal,

then i’m so
over it—

and this time,
i want something
real.

that's enough

i just want to
see you run

visions of you
haunt

and i keep running
into this curse

so vague,
so much pain

it juts gets
so much worse

holding our
memories
in vain

i'm left,
stuck in
the rain

and my heart
now breaks

swept, carried
away

into the ground
where you won't
see me again

that's enough

i've had enough
of the worst

so vague,
just
stay away

holding your memories
holding my pain.
i'm throwing it back.

it's yours to claim.

They say the
grass is greener
on the other side

I tried to cross that
line and all I see
is my life in disarray.

Nothing matters
anyway,

For all I know,
misery is here
to stay.

I tried to find
beauty in
negative spaces

But it's the
same story,
same face.

Not a real trace,
a glimmer of
hope,

Just stuck
in this state
of decay,

A poor, mental
state.

Nobody listens,
no matter what
I'm told,

Everyone is in
it for themselves

They don't care
if I fall.

Is there a future left
for me?

Or will I spend
the rest of my life
losing it all?

God knows I've tried
to give my all.

All I wanted was to
find love, but every
brush with reality

turned into a shattered
dream.

I ask myself why
do I even try,

When I end up
searching for love,

I just get myself
hurt every time.

I keep wondering why
I even try at all.

I remember the pain
Of heartbreak under
My sleeve,

a year of turmoil,
that leaves me
wondering

If I will find love
at all.

There were lessons
I have learned, and

God knows I've tried
to give my all.

All I can say is:

I'm trying my best to
stay strong.

The cold air
sends shivers
down my spine

The ghost of
yesterday,

Haunting me
again.

Every day passing,
feels like torture,

And I don’t know
what to do.

Moving on should
be easy, but

It’s hard to see
My life without you.

I know
Nothing last forever,

And it’s hard to sever
the ties of the past,

When I’m still not
over you.

Look at the streets crumble,
They were just fine.

Now look at you,
The cracks in your face tell me
You can't hold it together,
One more time.

Savage world,
Bitter truth,
It'll do no good to whine.

But it'll do no good to pretend
You're fine.

So you found that
Life isn't fair,
It's full of secrets and truth,
A hidden lair,

That I could still never hide from you
Because it was always there.

Love had its affairs,
And you had it all,
The bitter truth reveals a broken man,
Trying to stand tall.

Trying not to bend,
Or break, or fail,
A man doing his best
Not to crumble like the streets,

And continue to lose it all.

One year since your passing,
I didn't know I still wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Unlike the other lives lost in years past,
Yours cut me deeper than the rest.

Like watching an older version of myself,
Carry out a wish I could never fully attempt,
It left me mortified, scared I may follow in your footsteps.

Months later, dreams came and went.
I'd often wake up, wondering why I'd envision myself
Jumping off the Eads Bridge.

I never thought I'd be having these thoughts again.

They say history repeats itself.
But I promise you: I won't repeat the same mistakes.
I won't become a part of the past.

Let’s go to war
and fight with our
hearts and minds

Let’s start a battle
and crash into the sun.
One more time.

Let’s watch the tensions
lessen, a cause and effect,
directing us to chaos,
never teaching us a lesson.

Let’s watch the bombs rain
down and the feelings
dwell, unable to spell out
what we want to say,

Only lashing out,
hurting everyone,
just like yesterday.

An explosion of emotions,
An attack on the heart,
Cause and effect and
Doomed from the start,

We are the catalyst to
the problem we created
together and apart.

Here's another chapter,
Something I've already read.

The sentences are strewn together,
And I'm in my head.

Give me a new perspective,
'Cause something inside me
is dead.

Didn't mean to upset you,
But sometimes,

I wish you'd f*ck off,
instead.

Always a new superstition,
Believing something
that doesn't exist.

Always a new problem,
I've never seen someone
so stressed.

Maybe you're delusional,
But it's not relatable.

Your words make no sense,
And always you're oh so
intense.

Instead of going on,
I'm closing this chapter
instead.

Heart beating,
short of breath.

I wake up alone
and wonder:

What would life be like

without you by my side?

The fear of losing you
leaves me choked up inside,

but I'm doing my best
to cast those feelings aside.

It's taken me so long
to open my eyes,

a long journey marred by mistakes,
one after another.

It's taken me so long just
to let my guard down and try.

Sick and tired of building up walls,
I'm simply tired of losing it all.

I'll do everything in my power
to save myself from the fall,

just to spend one more night

with you by my side.

Almost a year later,
I still wish I
hadn't lost my focus.

I let the
Lens focus
on the wrong things,

In the wrong places,
And it’s all just a
mess.

An accidental shutter,
Now the picture's
faded, and

It's hard for me to
discover what life’s
meant to be

When it’s just me

Out in this vast,
dark world,
feeling lonely.

Burning out,
Just like a dying star,

Feeling temporary,
I'm barely
holding on.

Just being alive
doesn’t feel alright.

Feeling out of place
and overexposed,

Just like the
Polaroid on my chest.

Looking at the smiles,
A bittersweet moment,

A moment in which
I hope I don’t regress.

I know it’s hard to progress,

And I know I just need
to convince myself and
trust the process.

I know this won’t
last forever.

Photos capture
moments,
And I must remember

This isn't the end
of my chapter.

The world moves forward,
and moments last forever,
and hurt is only temporary.

Build up those walls
No one's gonna
Break 'em down

You'll do just fine
By yourself

You were so preoccupied
That you failed to see
The enemy inside

It's like the lights
Simply went out
And you blacked out

You bit the hand
That fed you

You lit a match
And burned it
All down to the ground

When the smoke cleared
You soon found out
It was more you
Could handle

And you broke
All the way down

So build up those walls

You'll do just fine,
Breaking them down.

When it's all over with,
No one's gonna be around.

Rose-tinted lenses
Have you lost your senses?

Watching on
projector lenses

Memories,
once vivid and clear

Now muddled,
from years

Of damage done

You lost your senses
This time around.

But you’re not
One and done.

Remember when
You convinced yourself

To live in the now?

(Here is now,
Now is never tomorrow)

But life threw you down,
And consequences lead to reality

You ended up stuck
in the past year

Lured in by promises
That allured to failures

(Forgive yourself for once
And be your own savior)

You feel the
tensions surround,
And you’re backed
In a corner

Your eyes see red,
The lights go out,
Another page-turner.

Welcome to the start
Of a world war
Never won

You come to and
Hide in the battlefield
Afraid to say your goodbyes

Afraid to ****, or be killed
Once protected, now vulnerable

And still
Your heart grows cold,
Hard like steel.

You want to claw
Out of the trenches
But you’re too scared
To lose.

But you know,
In order to outrun your demons,
You’ve gotta outrun them, too.

When I woke up,
From this fever dream
It still felt like yesterday.

Drinking coffee,
Looking up to the sky

And smoking
happy little cigarettes

You still haunt me,

It’s true.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you

Stressed, another ****
Summertime vibes, and
I’m feeling low.

I don’t know
What to do.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you.

I can’t tell,
What’s up
From down

And the people
Around
don’t understand
Or how it’s come to

There are days,
Where I feel numb

And there are days,
When I feel alone

I hope one day,
I’ll get out
From under you.

losing a significant other
is like someone
losing their own life

you separate from
mind, body, and soul

Nobody helps you,
And it's like being stuck
in permafrost

Your spirit ends up lost,
Clinging to nobody
And you grow
weary and tired

Because you're sick
of the same old story.

It's like going through
the five stages of grief

But it's never in order, completely.

There's denial,
Anger and bargaining
with yourself.

Convincing yourself
And others,
That it's alright

But alone,
you suffer in silence
And are at one with
depression.

After some semblance,
Life lessons, trials and
tribulations, you desire
hope and acceptance

But today isn't your day,
And the chain of emotions sway.

Just like the pendulum on a
grandfather clock

You swing back and forth,
Hoping that time
just stops.

Tell me,
When did
Life get so heavy?

October, fall
Into the cold
Catacombs of winter

A tumultuous spring
That lead to
A searing summer

Seems everything
Around me is on fire

And I'm waiting
For someone
To douse the flames

And shake me
From this fever

I wonder
When the tides
Will change

Because I don't
Know how much
I can take

When I'm only living
Just to survive

It's like someone hit pause
And now I'm on life support,
Barely alive.

the water’s rising,
and there's nowhere
left to run

an emotional tidal
wave that destroys
everything it touches,

and I’m trying to
make it out alive.

but I’m tethered
to the past, and

it’s holding me down
again this time.

head above water,
it feels like I'm digging
my own grave

swept out, at last,
and lost in the tide.

the walls have come
down, and I'm

fighting to
swim my way
out, trying to survive.

no one left to love,
no one left to trust,

just swept up in the
flood of heartbreak and pain,
that always self-destructs.

Life's greatest mysteries
Are hard to understand.
Some question life after death,
Others question the past.

The greatest mystery to me
One I can't wrap my head around,
Is how you fell in love with me.

I'm impossible and stubborn.
You're understanding and patient.

I'm self-destructive and tear myself down.
And when I'm near my breaking point and falling apart,
Somehow you're always there
To pick up the pieces and put me back together.

You see right through the walls,
The walls I built around myself.

You look past my flaws when I can't look past them myself.
You tell me I'm perfect just the way I am,
When all I see is a monster hiding underneath.

I don't know how someone like you met someone like me.

And I'm grateful that you've given me a chance to be with you.

Because of you:
You gave me a reason to believe.
You gave me a reason to fight,
and to conquer my demons.
You gave me a reason to exist,
When I didn't want to live anymore.

If love is the greatest mystery,
I don't want to question anything else.
I'll spend a lifetime decoding
The messages to spend a lifetime with you.

If time heals all wounds,
And time is essential
when it comes to love

Why, after all this time,
Do I still love you?

It's been months
And I can't get you out of my head.

We went different ways,
and now it seems
I'm doing everything I can
To hide my feelings in plain sight.

April went to September,
And September went to December,
And I can't bring myself to tell you
How I really feel.

I don't want to lose you
And I'm afraid you don't love me
The way I love you.

They say time heals all wounds.

How long will it take,
Before I get over you?

Salt in our wounds,
burning, bleeding

the pain’s not
not enough

but it’s hard to
believe

wounds can’t
heal until

we’re finally
set free.

refusing to believe
we’re still here

falling, tripping
into our own fears

ever-present but
not really here

only existing,
and living
in the afterlife.

reaching the light,
chemicals collide,

we’re one step
closer to the other side.

Lift the needle
From the record

It's time we
Settle this

Because if
We keep playing
The music we
Call life

The grooves
Will distort

And I'll be
Stuck

Scratched and
Endlessly spinning
On track four

Aching, and yearning
to progress
My way past you

I seek to find
My way

To a new track,
Titled
'A New State of
Mind'

But I can't
Seem to get
Out of this
Current state

(You played me
This time)

Not knowing
how to stop

I'm stuck in a
Loop

Forever stuck on replay

(I just want a
Day

Where I'm not
Dying inside

I just want to
Be fine today)

The diamond needle
Digs deeper

In the grooves
Making the vinyl
Weaker

And all that's left
Is a shell of myself
In this preserved state

Lift the needle
From the record

I'm tired of being
Played on a broken
Speaker

I didn't mean to start
the violence.

Something inside
me broke, and

I came alive.

Releasing the anger
within,

Knowing no matter
what I do, I can't win.

Can't please the detractors;
scars have barely faded,
and look at what they've created:
a walking disaster.

Basking in the fire,
the walls keep closing in on me,
and the flames keep climbing higher
and higher.

The anger rising,
a tide of fire,
the monster inside,
tired of the lies
and neverending disaster.

Remember the days
you spent alone?

Cold-hearted
and jaded,

You wandered down
the road of despair,
With roadblocks at every turn,

Scared to believe it
would get easier

The further you went through
life's intersection.

It's not that you gave up
Or didn't care,

You just wanted things
to finally go right,

Instead of running in circles,
lost in thin air.

As the saying goes,
"All is fair in love and war,"

There's no limit to achieving
what you strive for.

Just open your heart,
let the inner light glow,

There's no reason to
face the shadows alone.

Remember when you thought
you could never love again?

Like all happy endings,
your story doesn't stop here.

Your new chapter begins,

Because
This is not the end.

Remember that one,
autumn when you
thought you lost
it all?

Your heart was
in the worst,
state it has
ever been

A drug-filled
binge that
took you for
a never-ending

Ride.

You broke down,
and then your
heart broke in
two.

Because you saw
it was
the end of me
and you.

You clutched
the photos
close to your chest

Because you
couldn’t hang on
to what has been.

You felt lost inside,
and you couldn’t
control the downward
spiral

You trapped
yourself in.

Now one year
after and you’ve
let go of false
hopes and illusions.

Scared and
afraid to make
changes and leap

Into the arms of
another soul
again.

Remember that one,
October when you

Thought you lost
it all?

You haven’t hit rock bottom
and I know it feels
like you lost it all.

Keep your head up, kid.

Stand tall.

Close your eyes,
Pray for better days
ahead

Reach out, rise
above, and touch
the clouds.

Just know
You’re made for
So much more

Know your worth,
Know you’re destined
for something greater.

Don’t let the past
Define and tear you
to threads.

You can choose to
let it consume you

Or move forward
and leave behind
the hurt.

Put your best foot
forward, and cross
those bridges

Because this is
only a setback.

Open your eyes,
This is your time,
Your time to shine.

"It's best we make it count."

"Mean what you say."

You beckon him to speak up.
He waits for you to make the first move.

The forgotten dialogue left unspoken,
Your clenched fist,
his hands begin pulling you in.
His first kiss, your dream come true.
His fantasy unveiled. Your harbouring adoration revealed.

The sensual touch,
The warmth, spreading like fire.
A comforting, welcoming addition.

You lose track of reality.
That's fine by him, by you.

You pull back,
Greeted by his glistening eyes.

He whispers the words,
Three little words.
And you know
You don't have to repeat it.

He understands wholeheartedly.

No need in giving him the satisfaction,
When he's got you in his arms.
And that's all you ever wanted.
That's all you ever need.

He doesn't need to hear it,
When he figured you out.
Compassion, longing
Your main priority.

You tell him it's not over,
He wants this to continue,
And you want more.
His guess less than three words.

You nod in approval.
He coins the term, "lovers",
As he places his lips back to yours.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends
but here we are

Starting over again.

It used to be
simple then,

Relying on us
relying on you.

Now it's just me,
Wondering what could
have been,

And just trying
to get through.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends,

and I'm writing
to let you know

I'm okay with
being friends,

As long as I'm not
left alone without you.