The cold air
sends shivers
down my spine

The ghost of
yesterday,

Haunting me
again.

Every day passing,
feels like torture,

And I don’t know
what to do.

Moving on should
be easy, but

It’s hard to see
My life without you.

I know
Nothing last forever,

And it’s hard to sever
the ties of the past,

When I’m still not
over you.

Look at the streets crumble,
They were just fine.

Now look at you,
The cracks in your face tell me
You can't hold it together,
One more time.

Savage world,
Bitter truth,
It'll do no good to whine.

But it'll do no good to pretend
You're fine.

So you found that
Life isn't fair,
It's full of secrets and truth,
A hidden lair,

That I could still never hide from you
Because it was always there.

Love had its affairs,
And you had it all,
The bitter truth reveals a broken man,
Trying to stand tall.

Trying not to bend,
Or break, or fail,
A man doing his best
Not to crumble like the streets,

And continue to lose it all.

One year since your passing,
I didn't know I still wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Unlike the other lives lost in years past,
Yours cut me deeper than the rest.

Like watching an older version of myself,
Carry out a wish I could never fully attempt,
It left me mortified, scared I may follow in your footsteps.

Months later, dreams came and went.
I'd often wake up, wondering why I'd envision myself
Jumping off the Eads Bridge.

I never thought I'd be having these thoughts again.

They say history repeats itself.
But I promise you: I won't repeat the same mistakes.
I won't become a part of the past.

Let’s go to war
and fight with our
hearts and minds

Let’s start a battle
and crash into the sun.
One more time.

Let’s watch the tensions
lessen, a cause and effect,
directing us to chaos,
never teaching us a lesson.

Let’s watch the bombs rain
down and the feelings
dwell, unable to spell out
what we want to say,

Only lashing out,
hurting everyone,
just like yesterday.

An explosion of emotions,
An attack on the heart,
Cause and effect and
Doomed from the start,

We are the catalyst to
the problem we created
together and apart.

Here's another chapter,
Something I've already read.

The sentences are strewn together,
And I'm in my head.

Give me a new perspective,
'Cause something inside me
is dead.

Didn't mean to upset you,
But sometimes,

I wish you'd f*ck off,
instead.

Always a new superstition,
Believing something
that doesn't exist.

Always a new problem,
I've never seen someone
so stressed.

Maybe you're delusional,
But it's not relatable.

Your words make no sense,
And always you're oh so
intense.

Instead of going on,
I'm closing this chapter
instead.

Almost a year later,
I still wish I
hadn't lost my focus.

I let the
Lens focus
on the wrong things,

In the wrong places,
And it’s all just a
mess.

An accidental shutter,
Now the picture's
faded, and

It's hard for me to
discover what life’s
meant to be

When it’s just me

Out in this vast,
dark world,
feeling lonely.

Burning out,
Just like a dying star,

Feeling temporary,
I'm barely
holding on.

Just being alive
doesn’t feel alright.

Feeling out of place
and overexposed,

Just like the
Polaroid on my chest.

Looking at the smiles,
A bittersweet moment,

A moment in which
I hope I don’t regress.

I know it’s hard to progress,

And I know I just need
to convince myself and
trust the process.

I know this won’t
last forever.

Photos capture
moments,
And I must remember

This isn't the end
of my chapter.

The world moves forward,
and moments last forever,
and hurt is only temporary.

Build up those walls
No one's gonna
Break 'em down

You'll do just fine
By yourself

You were so preoccupied
That you failed to see
The enemy inside

It's like the lights
Simply went out
And you blacked out

You bit the hand
That fed you

You lit a match
And burned it
All down to the ground

When the smoke cleared
You soon found out
It was more you
Could handle

And you broke
All the way down

So build up those walls

You'll do just fine,
Breaking them down.

When it's all over with,
No one's gonna be around.

Rose-tinted lenses
Have you lost your senses?

Watching on
projector lenses

Memories,
once vivid and clear

Now muddled,
from years

Of damage done

You lost your senses
This time around.

But you’re not
One and done.

Remember when
You convinced yourself

To live in the now?

(Here is now,
Now is never tomorrow)

But life threw you down,
And consequences lead to reality

You ended up stuck
in the past year

Lured in by promises
That allured to failures

(Forgive yourself for once
And be your own savior)

You feel the
tensions surround,
And you’re backed
In a corner

Your eyes see red,
The lights go out,
Another page-turner.

Welcome to the start
Of a world war
Never won

You come to and
Hide in the battlefield
Afraid to say your goodbyes

Afraid to ****, or be killed
Once protected, now vulnerable

And still
Your heart grows cold,
Hard like steel.

You want to claw
Out of the trenches
But you’re too scared
To lose.

But you know,
In order to outrun your demons,
You’ve gotta outrun them, too.

When I woke up,
From this fever dream
It still felt like yesterday.

Drinking coffee,
Looking up to the sky

And smoking
happy little cigarettes

You still haunt me,

It’s true.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you

Stressed, another ****
Summertime vibes, and
I’m feeling low.

I don’t know
What to do.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you.

I can’t tell,
What’s up
From down

And the people
Around
don’t understand
Or how it’s come to

There are days,
Where I feel numb

And there are days,
When I feel alone

I hope one day,
I’ll get out
From under you.

losing a significant other
is like someone
losing their own life

you separate from
mind, body, and soul

Nobody helps you,
And it's like being stuck
in permafrost

Your spirit ends up lost,
Clinging to nobody
And you grow
weary and tired

Because you're sick
of the same old story.

It's like going through
the five stages of grief

But it's never in order, completely.

There's denial,
Anger and bargaining
with yourself.

Convincing yourself
And others,
That it's alright

But alone,
you suffer in silence
And are at one with
depression.

After some semblance,
Life lessons, trials and
tribulations, you desire
hope and acceptance

But today isn't your day,
And the chain of emotions sway.

Just like the pendulum on a
grandfather clock

You swing back and forth,
Hoping that time
just stops.

Tell me,
When did
Life get so heavy?

October, fall
Into the cold
Catacombs of winter

A tumultuous spring
That lead to
A searing summer

Seems everything
Around me is on fire

And I'm waiting
For someone
To douse the flames

And shake me
From this fever

I wonder
When the tides
Will change

Because I don't
Know how much
I can take

When I'm only living
Just to survive

It's like someone hit pause
And now I'm on life support,
Barely alive.

the water’s rising,
and there's nowhere
left to run

an emotional tidal
wave that destroys
everything it touches,

and I’m trying to
make it out alive.

but I’m tethered
to the past, and

it’s holding me down
again this time.

head above water,
it feels like I'm digging
my own grave

swept out, at last,
and lost in the tide.

the walls have come
down, and I'm

fighting to
swim my way
out, trying to survive.

no one left to love,
no one left to trust,

just swept up in the
flood of heartbreak and pain,
that always self-destructs.

Life's greatest mysteries
Are hard to understand.
Some question life after death,
Others question the past.

The greatest mystery to me
One I can't wrap my head around,
Is how you fell in love with me.

I'm impossible and stubborn.
You're understanding and patient.

I'm self-destructive and tear myself down.
And when I'm near my breaking point and falling apart,
Somehow you're always there
To pick up the pieces and put me back together.

You see right through the walls,
The walls I built around myself.

You look past my flaws when I can't look past them myself.
You tell me I'm perfect just the way I am,
When all I see is a monster hiding underneath.

I don't know how someone like you met someone like me.

And I'm grateful that you've given me a chance to be with you.

Because of you:
You gave me a reason to believe.
You gave me a reason to fight,
and to conquer my demons.
You gave me a reason to exist,
When I didn't want to live anymore.

If love is the greatest mystery,
I don't want to question anything else.
I'll spend a lifetime decoding
The messages to spend a lifetime with you.

If time heals all wounds,
And time is essential
when it comes to love

Why, after all this time,
Do I still love you?

It's been months
And I can't get you out of my head.

We went different ways,
and now it seems
I'm doing everything I can
To hide my feelings in plain sight.

April went to September,
And September went to December,
And I can't bring myself to tell you
How I really feel.

I don't want to lose you
And I'm afraid you don't love me
The way I love you.

They say time heals all wounds.

How long will it take,
Before I get over you?

Salt in our wounds,
burning, bleeding

the pain’s not
not enough

but it’s hard to
believe

wounds can’t
heal until

we’re finally
set free.

refusing to believe
we’re still here

falling, tripping
into our own fears

ever-present but
not really here

only existing,
and living
in the afterlife.

reaching the light,
chemicals collide,

we’re one step
closer to the other side.

Lift the needle
From the record

It's time we
Settle this

Because if
We keep playing
The music we
Call life

The grooves
Will distort

And I'll be
Stuck

Scratched and
Endlessly spinning
On track four

Aching, and yearning
to progress
My way past you

I seek to find
My way

To a new track,
Titled
'A New State of
Mind'

But I can't
Seem to get
Out of this
Current state

(You played me
This time)

Not knowing
how to stop

I'm stuck in a
Loop

Forever stuck on replay

(I just want a
Day

Where I'm not
Dying inside

I just want to
Be fine today)

The diamond needle
Digs deeper

In the grooves
Making the vinyl
Weaker

And all that's left
Is a shell of myself
In this preserved state

Lift the needle
From the record

I'm tired of being
Played on a broken
Speaker

I didn't mean to start
the violence.

Something inside
me broke, and

I came alive.

Releasing the anger
within,

Knowing no matter
what I do, I can't win.

Can't please the detractors;
scars have barely faded,
and look at what they've created:
a walking disaster.

Basking in the fire,
the walls keep closing in on me,
and the flames keep climbing higher
and higher.

The anger rising,
a tide of fire,
the monster inside,
tired of the lies
and neverending disaster.

Remember that one,
autumn when you
thought you lost
it all?

Your heart was
in the worst,
state it has
ever been

A drug-filled
binge that
took you for
a never-ending

Ride.

You broke down,
and then your
heart broke in
two.

Because you saw
it was
the end of me
and you.

You clutched
the photos
close to your chest

Because you
couldn’t hang on
to what has been.

You felt lost inside,
and you couldn’t
control the downward
spiral

You trapped
yourself in.

Now one year
after and you’ve
let go of false
hopes and illusions.

Scared and
afraid to make
changes and leap

Into the arms of
another soul
again.

Remember that one,
October when you

Thought you lost
it all?

You haven’t hit rock bottom
and I know it feels
like you lost it all.

Keep your head up, kid.

Stand tall.

Close your eyes,
Pray for better days
ahead

Reach out, rise
above, and touch
the clouds.

Just know
You’re made for
So much more

Know your worth,
Know you’re destined
for something greater.

Don’t let the past
Define and tear you
to threads.

You can choose to
let it consume you

Or move forward
and leave behind
the hurt.

Put your best foot
forward, and cross
those bridges

Because this is
only a setback.

Open your eyes,
This is your time,
Your time to shine.

"It's best we make it count."

"Mean what you say."

You beckon him to speak up.
He waits for you to make the first move.

The forgotten dialogue left unspoken,
Your clenched fist,
his hands begin pulling you in.
His first kiss, your dream come true.
His fantasy unveiled. Your harbouring adoration revealed.

The sensual touch,
The warmth, spreading like fire.
A comforting, welcoming addition.

You lose track of reality.
That's fine by him, by you.

You pull back,
Greeted by his glistening eyes.

He whispers the words,
Three little words.
And you know
You don't have to repeat it.

He understands wholeheartedly.

No need in giving him the satisfaction,
When he's got you in his arms.
And that's all you ever wanted.
That's all you ever need.

He doesn't need to hear it,
When he figured you out.
Compassion, longing
Your main priority.

You tell him it's not over,
He wants this to continue,
And you want more.
His guess less than three words.

You nod in approval.
He coins the term, "lovers",
As he places his lips back to yours.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends
but here we are

Starting over again.

It used to be
simple then,

Relying on us
relying on you.

Now it's just me,
Wondering what could
have been,

And just trying
to get through.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends,

and I'm writing
to let you know

I'm okay with
being friends,

As long as I'm not
left alone without you.

Let it out and
Don't be afraid
To cry.

Let it out,
Because surviving is
Hard enough

When all you
Have is yourself
And you're trying

Your best to stay alive.

You say this is the end
Of your story,

And somewhere along the way,

You've convinced yourself
You've written the last

Chapter.

But it's not what you pictured,
It's not a fairytale story,
A happily ever after.

Things never go the way
You planned it.

Now it's pure survival,
And you're fighting every
Day to live another day

And not take the easy way out
And simply end it.

Why do the clouds
Keep the sun out
Of my mind?

The shadow's always
Looming and it's
Neverending.

I strike the match
And the fire always
Gets put out.

My heart's always
Broken and I just
Want out.

I want to feel
Something more
Than sadness.

Always hurt,
Always wanting

To break from this
Cyclical cycle of misery.

When will the light
Shine through and

Reignite the fire
Inside my heart?

Life gets harder
And I keep wanting
This to end.

Give me something
To live for, because

I find it harder to
Live for myself,
And it's killing me.

Two years forward,
Life continues to move on.

I take steps to avoid,
Going back to the hell
I once put myself in.

I remember telling you,
"Please forgive me if I forget you right now."

I took a precautionary measure,
To save me from demise.

I was so fragile back then.

Any memory of you,
Made me feel like I,
I was the cause of your death.

I blamed myself for every little thing.

I wasn't there when I should've been.

...When I was mourning your loss,
They told me to stop being ******* myself.

"You did nothing wrong.", they would assure me.

In a way, they were right.

However, I can't stop but think,
That the smallest gestures
Would have made an impact,
And you'd be here tonight.

Maybe you would be alive to this day.
But reality sank in. I realized...
There was nothing I could do,
To save your life.

Moving on seemed like the only option.
As hard as it was to admit, I had to let go.
There was no way I could bring you back into this world.

I had to face tomorrow like it was another day...

Another day has gone by without seeing you smile,
Another day has gone without hearing your voice.
Another day has gone by, and I had no choice
but to move on without you by my side.

Over the past few months,
I've realized nobody is perfect.
Not even myself.

I've realized it's okay to fumble.
It's okay to fall.

It's okay let my emotions
Get the best of me.

It's okay to be angry.
It's okay to be sad.

And I've realized
It's okay to slip up
And fall off the tracks.

I know I'll get right back on the path,
And head towards the direction
The direction towards redemption
And the acceptance of self,
Instead of seeking approval from others.

I know I've made mistakes in the past.
And I've made mistakes in the present day.

For far too long,
I've lived my life,
With a cloud of regrets
Hanging over me.

I can't let the past or present,
Dictate how I live my life.

To move forward,
I have to learn to love myself,
Instead of seeking love from others.

I must learn to forgive myself,
So I can forgive others.

Life is filled with trial and error,
We're all trying to find ways
To find solutions to problems
Instead of trying to fix ourselves.

Today is the day
I work on fixing myself.

I can't live my life
Focusing on the past.

It's time to enjoy life.

It's time to move forward.

Just got robbed another time,
And I
Wish it was something as simple,
As someone taking my bike.

But life throws me
for a loop

I'm a f-ck up
And I'd like to just
for once, die

I'm a train-wreck
About to lose it
Near platform five
and Self-Pity Avenue

Someone get on the phone,
And tell them what I've done,
Because only others can
tell my story

Take out all the fun,
and leave me staring at
the sun.

I'm a f-ck up,
I know **** well
What I've done.

I'm not dead and
gone.

Roll the cameras,
3, 2, 1
Fade to white

Pan to the right,
And now I'm in sight

Read the paper today
And
The report says
I'm a wreck

What's new, today?

Interrogated again,
They asked me some
questions and took
some photographs

Long story short,
i was truly f-cked.

Looking almost gaunt,
I'm looking around,
And everyone's looking at me

(Am I alright?)

It seems they
Better call the doc

Because they just captured
The day I almost went dark.

Believe me when I say this,
I've seen better days,
and this isn't it.
Not by a long-shot.

And so, I end up
flipping through
the pages and I

See the reckless
Behaviors and antics

The hospital stays,
Complete and total
havoc

I'm tired of it all,
and it's all
So f-ckin' tragic.

Used to be up at 4 a.m.
Kept myself going

Hyped up on hard drugs
And ramped up in overdrive.
Not even wanting to quit.

Now I'm up at night,
******, one habit to the next
And all I do is cry.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck
And sometimes, I just want to die

But today,
Just for you

I'd like to, for once
Stay alive, not give up,
and try, honestly

You talk like you own me  
But the past is messing  
With your head.

A long-standing crush,  
One-sided and so  
Destructive.

You've fallen in a  
Pit of despair.

Instead of focusing  
On yourself,

You left me broken  
And bruised

And I don't know  
What to do.

It's got me feeling  
Hopeless

I'm lost and  
Confused,

You're getting  
Under my skin.

I didn't ask you  
To bleed for me

Your focus  
Is so obsessive

I'm one step closer  
To the edge of  
Cardiac arrest.

I only wanted to  
Live and let go,

But you're still  
Stuck in the past,  
Stuck inside yourself

Not making any effort  
To do better and rise above  
This and help yourself.

I have my doubts,
Dreamin’, always
In the clouds.

But dreams aren’t
Reality, and already

It feels I’m lost in
The shadows.

I only wanted
To be part of
Something,

I only wanted
Everything and
In-between.

But life is about
Battles we pick
And choose,

And already,
I feel I’m going
To lose.

Doubt in self,
Everything and
Everyone else.

Already pulling
Me under, right
Beneath my skin,

My heart is bleeding,
For all the wrong
Reasons.

People come in
My life for a reason,

Some last a lifetime,
Some leave before

The change of the
Seasons.

But doubt persists,
And already I know
How this will end.

I still have my doubts,
Always dreamin’,
Always in the clouds,

I'm always
Running for cover

And riding the storm
Before the rain

Enshrouds me
In the darkness

Before I have a
Chance to recover.

Waking up, curtains closed near the bedside.
The alarm clock ringing, reading six past two.
You bring yourself to, walking past the obstacles scattered on the floor.

The entrance of the door, only arms length away.
You open it, only to feel betrayed.

You expected presence,
You wanted something more than solitary,
Something more than waking up alone.

You're only talking to yourself.
In your head, your conscious wanting insight on what lead you through this path.

You carry on the day,
With a weight on your shoulders.

Everyone you see is a familiar face,
Are you sure they're your friend?
Would you believe what they say, just for the sake of colloquy?
You go along with it, only to feel betrayed.

Approaching the buildings ahead, the debate conveys.
You stop & stare.
Consternation, fear, the crowds see through you.

You walk along, only to feel betrayed.

The facts keep on going,
You keep on showing,
Dreading, knowing, they remember the worst of you.

Unlocking the door, five stories above your home,
You study the people from before, lacking in trust, faith. Promises and fate. The closer they get, the more you hate.

You close your eyes, only to feel betrayed.

Plans change,
It’s nothing strange.

People come,
Then they leave.

Like a carousel,
or a revolving door,

The ones we loved
come and go as
they please.

There’s no need
to worry, no need
to be torn.

It’s just that

We outgrew the
ones we thought
we knew,

And only holding on
to a select few.

It’s nothing we
did,

It’s not what we
chose.

It’s just the
realization

that part of
growing up

is finding who
we are too.

Years have passed
And I finally see
With my eyes open.

Years of misery,
Tears, enough
To cry at a funeral.

I was in a comatose,
Waiting for someone
To bring me to life.

You were the one
I wanted and

You were right there
The whole time.

And that’s when
I knew,
At that moment,

Everything
Would be alright.

Back then,
We both went

Our own paths,
Made our own plans,

But somehow we
Crossed paths.

And now, loneliness
Is a feeling that’ll
Never last.

Years have passed,
But I can finally
See,

You were the one,
Meant for me.

thought that it
would get so much
better

but next year
showed up,

and i'm stuck
in the same place

floating down
the same river,

waiting for things
to change.

i'm stuck
with the same
thoughts,

same memories,
same feelings
and feeling

oh so lost.

i can't change
who i am,

i can't forget
the past

but i can try
to move on,

because we both
know i can't be

your favorite
song.

a final repeat
before love comes
undone

and i stop this
cassette and
finally

move on.