hello, old soul
it's nice to see
you again

did you come to
haunt me, and
remind me of my
sins?

it's funny how i
keep focusing on
the past,

and here you show
up, maker of the dead.

will there be a truce
to this test?

or is violence the answer,
and this is the end?

self-inflicted and
brought closer to
god

wrong heaven,
a quick detour
with no regard

barreling faster
towards the gates
of hell,

asking,
'what have i done?'
as i'm put in a mental cell.

The months fly by,
And my heart longs
for your touch again

Something as basic
As human interaction,
Now gone right before our eyes.

Hindered by a pandemic
We try our best
To keep each other safe
and to keep each other alive.

It's like our life is playing by like
A movie on the screen.

Separated by choice,
Out of necessity,
We fight to stay alive,
In a world taken over by the virus.

The pain cuts through every day,
And I fight hard to rise above the waters.

It's getting harder to stay away from you.

My heart still longs for you after all this time.
And I miss you terribly.

I understand we must stay apart for now,
But I don't know how long I can last.

My emotions are like a sinking ship.
I'm fighting to stay afloat.

Without you, I'm doing the best I can,
To keep me from drowning in this sea of despair.

You want to know the real me.

Be my friend. Be my crutch when I need support.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

I'll let you in. All you have to is ask.

I'm no stranger when you see what's inside my head.

I may be confused, delusional, and a little dangerous.
Look closely, and you'll find the better part of me.

You may like it, you may not, but if you don't cross that barrier.
You'll never get to find out who I really am.

Unless you take the invitation, you won't get the chance to discover that:

I am weak, I am strong.
I am talented, I am wrong.
I'm a paradox; I'm part of the demented.
I'm both optimistic and pessimistic.

I am extraordinary; I'm blessed with an altruistic heart.
I'm able to attentively listen with an open mind, open arms.
Able to discern what's really bothering you before you start speaking.
Able to make you smile without purposely meaning.

I am everything and all the above, not quite human, but well enough.

I could be the most incredible person in history.

What you see is a sample,
A taste, an example.

If you want to discover more,
Press onward.

I am incredible.

Lately, I feel
Out of it these
Days

Life seems to
Drag me down
And I know

In the end,
I’ll be fine.

I remember those
Winter days,

Nearly ten years ago,
When we met in a haze.

Lust turned to love,
And over the years,
we burned out,

Just like the flickering of
The flames in a silent film,

Never making a sound.

Now I live with
The memories,
That plague my mind,

Playing track-by-track,
Just like a CD, singing

The good and the bad times.

I look around
The corner

Between St. Louis
And the town that
I live in,

Remembering how I
Used to drive past

The city lights,
Months after the crash.

I remember how it
Haunted me,
Every single time.

Now I’m stuck
In an endless cycle,
Far from fine.

It seems life
Likes to drag
me down,

Just like the
Memories that plague
My mind.

I’m doing everything
I can to be more than
Fine.

ten years,
too late.

ten years—

and there's
no debate:

i will do
everything

to not be

like you.

i'm no saint,

but i know
when enough
is enough

and to draw
a line,

before it's
too late.

people come
and people go;

and i've come
to terms with
forgiving

and letting
go.

but in the midst of
it all, i hope
to be better

than to
risk it all.

because impressions
are forever,

and

i've learned
to forgive you
and move past it

rather than fall.

Can’t control
What you can’t
See

Outside forces,
Coming after
Me

Inside, chaos
Multiplied by
disorder

It is what it is,
Another breakdown
in order.

Wake up and
Everything’s the
Same

Still wanting
Change

But the only
Change I see,

Are the scenarios
In my dreams.

It is what it is,
Another day,
Another dream.

I
Can’t control
What I can’t
See.

It is what it is,
I guess I’ll wait,
Patiently.

turns out memories
aren't just silly dreams.

feels like yesterday,
before we went our
separate ways,

regrets,
words i thought
i'd never say

broken at every turn,
and lost along the way.

then just like the time
slips idly by,

i watched you
slip away, memories
of yesterday, fading into
the sun.

Just like photographs,
still frames in my head,
it's hard to move forward
when i have so much to say.

but at least i can say,
i've had a good run
instead.

turns out memories
aren't just silly dreams

feels like yesterday,
before we went our
separate ways

and i know
mistakes were made
along the way.

but in order
to move forward in
life,

i know there's
hurt somewhere between
yesterday and today.

it's not over at 30,
and i know my time
isn't done.

love comes and goes,
but i don't want to be
the one who got away

when i think
i may have finally
found the one.

turns out memories,
aren't just silly dreams

and i know we've
gone our separate ways

but just like how time
moves forward, i know

that new memories
can be made
along the way.

who hurt you
so much now?

get back up
off the ground.

they may have
let you down,

but that doesn't mean
you're down
for the count.

just wait.

give it
a little time—

things happen
for a reason,

and your heart
is aching
for something more.

i know
you’ve been through
a lot.

you’ve tried so hard,
fought to stay afloat—
still breathing
through the weight.

just wait.

lovers come
for a reason,
a season,
or a lifetime.

but seeking
your worth
in someone
who won’t see it

will only leave you
in shambles.

just wait.

the right one
will appear

when you
least expect it.

don’t give up.
you are more
than enough.

just wait.

the right one
will appear—
and they’ll love you
for real.

if this is my
last train stop,

please don't let
me off

i spent a year
on this ride,

travelled over
the hill of
sadness

and up the
streets on
manic avenue

it's madness
that it ends
like this.

i want to let
go, but i don't

want this to be
my last ride.

coming to terms
like this,

i can't help but
think of you,

even as the
voices in my
head

has convinced me
this is the end
tonight.

i don't want
to pretend,

because
i'm still in
love

like i was
yesterday.

if this is my
last stop,

give me one
last chance,

one last kiss,
and one last
dance.

because i don't
know how i can go
on

without a second
chance at romance.

Still hurting, still bleeding,
Still reeling, still feeling.

Drowning in self-pity,
Confronting reality,
Where not everything
is easy.

Hopelessly broken,
Trying to find a way
To pick up the pieces.

But he keeps falling
Behind, and left
Oh so traumatized.

Shaking, trembling,
Unable to align as
The pieces fall and
Say their goodbyes.

He realizes
He's got to let it go
Or risk being
Left behind.

Hypnotized and,
Captivated by the
Love that led
To a blindness.

The images,
Encompassed
By the once
Warming glow

Lay buried, just
Like a love lost,
So cold.

Once untangled,
Estranged souls

A bond formed,
And we became
entangled by

Love, loss, and regrets.

And it all took
A toll.

Never able
To save ourselves,

We went deeper
In our thoughts

And we ended up,
Digging so far,

That both of us,
Eventually fell
Apart.

Like letters to
A loved one,
That used to
Have the heart

You wrote to me,
And I wrote to you
With a heavy heart.

Once hypnotized
And captivated by the
Love that led
To a blindness.

I sit here in silence,
Surrounded by a deep,
dark sadness

Still wondering why,
I still haven’t gotten
Over all this madness.

Like shattered pieces
On the floor,

I lay broken
and pulled apart,

Mirrored reflections,
Beckon patterns of
Being alone.

Like the
Patterns in the static,

Turning into
A bad lullaby,

Let the flames
In this hell
Take me out
So I

Burn out,
Brighter than
The sun.

If this was an
Ending,

I hope I find
My peace tonight.

Because
Fractured pieces
Can't heal

If the deal is
Signed by fate,
sealed, and sent
Away

Just like the
Letters to a
Love lost.

always feelin’
overwhelmed,
stressed—

heart’s gonna
break,

brain won’t
shut off,

so you can’t
fall asleep
and forget.

is this a test?

why does the
world
treat you this way?

you’ve come
so far, but
you find yourself

lying awake
at night—

convincing yourself
that everything’s
gonna be alright.

you’ve gone so
numb, you need
just one reason

to keep going.

because you’re
one step closer
to breaking

than making it
through another day.

let this haunt you—
this rough
journey

isn’t what
you make it
out to be.

the path’s only
less traveled

when you go
alone.

but with time,
the sun will
rise—

light will
touch the road,
and show you

where to go.

so let this haunt you—
and carry on.

Living life on
autopilot,

Wishing I wasn’t
Going insane.

Look around me
And everything

Stays the same.

The neuropathways
In my brain

Have the wires
Crossed and
There’s

Messages that
Always change.

I’m left to
Figure it out
On my own,

Miscommunications and
Exiled from a
Place I used to call home.

I just don’t get why,
I keep trying to change,

But life pulls me to
The other side

To a place where
the stars never
had a chance to
shine.

If life is a living hell,
And living is a privilege,
Then surviving is a show-and-tell
Of who’s got the most,
And it’s never the ones struggling
To stay afloat.

If this is hell,
Then what can be worse than this?
Who really wins when it’s all
Make-believe and pretend?

The rich get richer,
And we all keep drowning in debt,
Expected to just take it.

waking up in a haze,
wondering what day it is.

nights blurring into the next,
trying to pull myself together.

lost, confused, wondering:
what the hell is wrong with me?

is this just a phase?
is this post-traumatic response
or recovery?

because everything seems
to go too fast, or
way too slow,

and i think
i'm gonna breakdown.

stupid toxic tendencies,
i keep trying every day,
and it's oh-so exhausting.

imagine an enemy,
only you can see—

man vs. self,
back to the basics
of healing and discovery.

fighting the bad thoughts,
just to get another day.

so tired and over it,
i gotta claw my way out,

or i'll never truly be set free.

Remember a year ago

When I was
Caught and
blindsided?

Emotions clouded over,
And I struggled every day.

Days I spent crying,
And it took me a while

To realize it was
For all the wrong
Reasons.

There’s no need
To keep the weight
On my shoulders

But I let it keep me
Down,

Back into
Familiar ground.

I kept diving deeper
Until I finally drowned

Back into the past

Before I took hold
And turned it all around.

Vision seeing double
The light inside,

Flickering
And fading

I realize if
I don’t do
Something
Now

I’ll spend an
Eternity in trouble.

It took a miracle
To wake me up

It took a miracle
To recover

I’m ready to move
Forward, separate
And sever

The past forever

And move on with
My life

Carefree.

From past heartbreak,
I learned to amend,

Learned to make
The best of a situation,

Even accepting and
Starting off as friends.

Still learning to move on
From a past so complicated,

I keep trying my best to not
get lost in the devastation,

Please excuse the infatuation,
I get lost in my head.

I promise I'm trying my best to
not get so fixated,

Give me some patience
And grace,

Because I don't want to
Push you away again.

Just know that I'm grateful,
More than okay,

Starting off as just friends.

There were times when
I looked up to you

There were times when
I thought I had a brother
Who gave a **** about me.

Somewhere down the road,
Emotions veered off course
And you became another stranger

You became a stranger to me,
and everyone that loved you.

You turned into a monster,
Drinking down your emotions,
Morphing them into hate

You were mad at the world,
And angry at everyone around you.

You resorted to violence,
because that was the only time
you felt you could get your point across.

You abandoned your father,
Your son, your daughter
When things didn't go your way.

You moved, you started a new family.
And when it went south,
You decided enough was enough, taking your own life.

You lived your life
With the notion
that everyone was against you

It was you against the world.

No one would listen,
No one gave you a chance.
No one believed in you.

I gave you a chance.
Your father gave you several.

You abandoned your kids,
and they still came crawling back.

Your sisters didn't give up hope,
and you still believed you were public enemy number one.

Now that you're gone,
It's almost like you've abandoned us again.

There are no more chances to make amends.

In spite of that, there is room for forgiveness.

I forgive you for leaving me.
For leaving your son, your daughter,
Your father, your mother,
And your sisters behind.

Your demons got the best of you.

I won't let mine get the best of me.

I forgive you for everything you've done to me,
And those who loved you.

I won't forget you.
And neither will they.

I have to accept you're gone.
You're never coming back.
There's nothing I can do
to bring you back to life.

I have to accept it
and move on.

you can’t say
you’ve lived

until you’ve
truly tried.

you can’t say
you gave it your
all

until you’ve
given everything
you’ve got

and fight.

[…]

years spent,
paralyzed

tired of myself,
everyone else,
and all the lies

i spent my days
wondering,

will
somebody help
me

before i meet
my demise?

neon sunset,
fade to black,

black and white
silhouettes dancing,

overexposed memories attack,
reminding me of a time

when i was barely alive.

(somebody help me
before i meet my
demise.)

two years in,
i can imagine

a life without
you in it.

for too long
you held on
like a ghost,

a hellish prison.

never letting go,
never setting me
free.

but i learned to
move forward
without you.

i learned to
break the chains.

like a dream,
a wake-up call,
a realization:

how many times
do i have to
hurt before

i’m accepted
for who i am?

it’s never easy
to lose someone
close to you.

it’s never easy
to say goodbye.

broken hearts
can mend,
but there’s a
hole inside—

a place
where your love
used to live.

you feel
like a part
of you
is missing.

you search
for light
at the end
of the tunnel,

but tunnel vision
keeps you stuck,
and still
you try
to rise above it.

losing someone
so close
hurts deeper
than words allow.

and you feel
you’ve been
down on your luck
since the start
of may.

it’s never easy,
and there’s no
easy way
to say this—

but i want
you to know:

it’s okay
to grieve.
it’s okay
to hurt.

because getting
over it
is never easy.

it takes
a strong heart
to heal,

and a stronger soul
to rise again—
to start over,
and live.

it’s hard
not to feel
withdrawn

when the ones
you love

have crossed
to the other
side.

they’re
never gone,

but it feels
so wrong—

like a song
out of tempo,
out of place.

and you know
nothing can
bring them back,

but still
you do your best
to stay strong.

because life
never stops,

and the ones
you’ve lost

are never
gone.

I don't want to die,
Don't want to say goodbye

But sadness destroyed
my confidence and now

I'm back down hiding
everything deep inside.

How can I go on?

When I don't want
to live, don't want
to try

When everything around me
has turned into one big
lie.

Do I exist just
to get torn
and drug down
under?

Is my life just
one chaotic thunder,

striking every last
chance down before I can
grasp it,

or is it my new normal,
and I haven't accepted it
yet?

it’s absurd,
you keep breaking—

deep down,
you’re tired
of it all.

sick of it.
sick of
the fall.

“traumas,”
you keep sayin’—
“i’m over it,
i’m okay.”

but all you’ve done
is what you had
to do:

survive.

and now you live
with words
you can’t take back.

it’s wasting
your time,
your energy.

the only one left
is you—
and you’re not okay.

nobody hurts you
worse than
you do.

so why
keep this up?

take a breath.
open your eyes.

everything
will fall in place—

this time.

Self-inflict, inner conflict,
You have yourself to blame.

No sense in looking to
Someone else when

You can’t even look
At me,

Almost like you’re
Ashamed.

Was it something
I said?

Did I go too far,
Or did I tear us
Apart a little more?

When the world
Isn’t easy, we both
Try to avoid and hide

And argue
Who is right.

There’s no space
For resolution
Or compromise.

So we dance,
One more time,

And pretend nothing
Ever changes
And remains the same.

So continue to avoid
Looking me in the eyes
And take my hand.

There’s no compromise
Without a little pain
Time and time again.

So let’s dance and
Tip-toe on thin wire

And let our hearts
Set on fire

One last time.

Just slept another
day away,

Forgot to see the
sun rise.

Thought it was
nightfall,

But I guess
I was mistaken
this time.

Got out the wrong
side of the bed,

Put on my
disguise, again.

No one likes
a sad man,

Otherwise,
What’s to say
I’m fine?

Time seems to
pass everyone by

And I wish it
would speed up
in this lifetime.

But the hands
on the clock,

Only moves so far,
just like the sands
in the hourglass
of time.

Just slept another
day away,

Watched the sun,
Come creeping up,

Wore the face of
grief, and regret
under forced
smiles and alibis.

No one likes a sad man.

Why even try?

If you wanted sympathy,
you get nothing from me.

Months of chaos,
Spiraling down
The rabbit hole.

There's nothing left to find,
Because I've already sold my soul.

I feel so empty,
So don't preach to me.

You're just wasting your time,
I don't wanna believe.

Drop the lies,
And let it go.

The path you followed
Isn't the one I chose.

If you want sympathy, baby,
You get nothing from me.

It doesn’t have to be this way,
It’s not as hard as you imagined
it all to be.

There are hills, and obstacles in
the way, but persistence is key—

Prevailing is the best way
to not fall in a state so freely.

It’s all about faking your way,
And ******* it up, until you
grow so numb, because nothing
else matters—

Nothing else matters anymore.

It’s a hard road ahead, and you’re
the greatest enemy that you
could ever meet.

An enemy you could only
defeat.

But you’ve yet to stand up
for yourself, and you end up
getting torn,

A person left in shatters,
oh-so forlorn.

They say time heals
All wounds,

And I'd like to
Think the saying is
True,

But there are days
My heart beats,

Until the very last
Beat makes a sound.

And here I am,
Once again,
Wanting to drown.

It seems life
Is relentless,

And I just want
To end this, because
Pain is endless.

Nothing goes my way,
And in a way,

I know deep down,
It's going to
Be okay.

It may not get better
Right at this moment,

But I know heartache
Won't last forever.

I can stay stuck
In the past,
And reminisce,

Or move forward, and let
It all coalesce,

And choose to merge
The past with
The future,

And do my
Best not to regress.

They say to not
open old wounds

When the heart
is longing for
something more

What else do you
have left to lose?

The world is spinning
slower when your world
comes to a halt.

But I want you to know
it's not your fault.

Emotions are a roller-coaster:

The ups and downs,
looping around until
you've reached your stop.

There's no set destination,
and you've got nothing
but your imagination

Leading you places,
you never thought
you'd go.

Just take it slow,
and everything will
fall in place.

It's not a race,
just take it
at your own pace.

So, when they say to not
open old wounds,

And the heart
longs for something
more,

Don't be afraid to
open new doors.

Waking up lonely,
Wanting somebody.

Broken from the past,
And a melancholic mind,
That leaves me longing.

I just want to call someone
My one and only,

Instead, I’m haunted
by memories that are
now long gone,

And I’m back to
feeling lost
and empty.

you’ve been there
for me,

when i needed
you the most.

and i know
not all stories
have happy endings—

but i’m not
quite ready
to say goodbye.

your love is
more pure
than any human
could imagine.

so when i looked
into your little eyes,

i promised
to give you
the best years

of your golden life.

we’ve been through
so much,

and truth is,
i still need
you in mine.

so i’ll hold
your paws
close to my heart—

because letting go
is the hardest part.

i’m not ready
to say goodbye.

so please,
stay with me

tonight.

Spent the last few years
Living in disarray,

Always chasing safety,
Hoping I'd make it someday.

But safety only
Goes so far,

When I'm always
Going to war
With myself

And all I leave are
Scars.

Stuck in a dreamscape
Battlefield that makes it
Hard to go to sleep.

Post-traumatic stress
And nightmares eating me
For days,

Sometimes,
I just want to scream
And disappear for days.

Some days, I wonder,
Is there an end to
This storm?

Is there a better way to cope
Or will I have to suffer
A little more?

Don’t stare below,
The heights to a higher place affright you.
The ground shook, the air frigid,
the people stood in shock.
You kept your balance.
you threaten to descend,

they send a plea,
begging you to ascend.
The others, calling you
to step off the ledge.

We’re not fools.
This isn’t a test,

We’re sorry you let your guard down,
Don’t let this get to you.
You’re not misplaced.

Risking your life,
Benefiting the satisfaction of others;
Won’t solve your problem.
Evaluate before you subjugate.
From your distance,
They’re just little specks in the concrete.

The limit is the sky.
You can become what your heart desires.

I’m cognizant of the stranger’s honest opinion,
They barely know who you are. They say what they’ve said before.
Why not change it?
Show them you’re incredible.
Prove to them you’re not a failure, be their friend - not their foe.

Explain to them what brought you this far,
I’m sure they’ll be happy to assist,
Give you a helping hand.

Take your time, I’ll be waiting.

When I turn back around,
I expect you to come back to me.

We all care, dear. It just takes a moment to find out.
To put your faith back and restore your trust.
We all have a purpose; you just have to set out and discover your own.

Cross that bridge,
Because there's no reason
To continue this way.

You've given all the
Reasons,

And I can't let it
Take over your
Life.

You've come so far,
Blossomed like a
Flower,

Survived the storms
And rose towards
The stars.

So please,
Tell me what's keeping
You awake at night?

Is it the past
Plaguing your
Head?

Are you
Desperate to
Forgive and forget?

You say
Letting go is the
Hardest part.

And you know
You gotta

Let the past be
The past,

And live and
Let live.

Just know,
It's okay to
Feel this way.

This is only
Temporary.

You don't have
To hide anymore.

Because at the
End of the tunnel,

I'll be your guiding
Light,

Getting you back
To where you were
Before:

A flower reaching
Towards the stars.

Give me room to breathe,
because I'm tired of living
in chaos and fear.

I just can't live like this anymore.

Give me a reason to believe,
because I don't want to leave

when I have so much to live for.

Give me a chance, and you'll see

I won't let doubt get in the way
anymore.

The only thing
that can take
my breath away

is finding the person

that I'll do
everything
in my power

to fight for survival

and stay.

I want to trade my days
Away for
Something better.

I want to let go
Of the light
So I can repair,

Falling in the
Black, desolate,
Void and

Stuck in this
Never-ending
Fixation on
Despair.

I wish I didn’t care,

But a part of me
That died left the
Feeling that lingers on,

And now I’m numb
and in disrepair.

With every new perspective,
I wish that I didn’t let the past
Pull me in every direction.

I know there’s no reason to
Focus on the matters

But all I see is old reflections.

Hearts drift away,
And I remember
Just like it was yesterday.

Memories are never
Gone, but sparks
Get crossed, and now I’m
dead and gone.

I wish I didn’t care.
I wish I could repair.

But right now,
I’m feeling numb,
And in disrepair.

Forgive me if I neglect you.

I am trying to clear my head.

I don’t despise you.

My reason is I can’t continue suffering. They’ve moved on. Why can’t I?

It’s been over a year. Imprinted in time, your ashes kept alive.
Your body is placed to rest, your loved ones living a lie.
I kept busy, kept myself in denial
so that I could live in comfort and peace

Then reality struck me like a brick wall
and I fell down, weeping for my loss.

I replaced grieving with regret.
Committed acts I never imagined let set

Months progressed, I have repaired,
Repressed the memory to forget -
Only to have it come back around with a stronger hit.

I want you to know I have always cared about you.
I…I wish I could have been a better person,
but I pulled away, and you left the world without warning.

To this present day,
more than a year since I laid my eyes on
the body resting in calm repose,
my heart continues to ache immensely.

I assure myself I must go on. I need to let go.
Just promise me you’ll remember me.

Your passing has me living under a dark cloud;
please forgive me if I forget you right now.

Remember back in the days,
When you were joyous
And cared without a doubt,

Before the days of darkness
Shrouded over and cast
A shadow over you?

Remember the days
You loved, and were
Loved back?

The kisses and hugs,
The smiles given back.

The days when you
Had purpose, and drive.

Nothing could stop you,
And you felt like you
Could fly.

But one day, one mistake
After the next, you kept
Falling and tumbling down.

You lost every sense of
Self, and lost yourself in the
Process.

Ignorance is bliss,
But living in denial,
Is like a deadly sin.

What you used to be,
Never really left.

None of that is ever
Really gone.

Remember the days
When you thought
You had it all?

None of that
Was ever really lost.

Before the world
Wakes from its slumber,

The luminance
Of the night casts
Down.

Now it's five a.m. and
I'm restless, wanting
Something more,

Lost again,
Just like before.

Lonely, heartbroken,
I don't want to feel
Anymore.

In the darkest
Hour, I lie awake.

Memories of you
And I, and I just
Want to cry out.

Read between the
Lines,

Everything's not fine.

The world's not in
Black and white,

But the color
Has run out, and I'm
Cast out.

So I lie here awake,
Remembering the
Better days when

You were mine.