~
let us dance
like our hearts
on a beat

let us sing
like our souls
in a melody

let us love
like our bodies
set free
~

write me a text I'll never read
send me a pic I'll never see
call me 243 times and it won't go through
email me and I won't respond

do it all because
I've sent unanswered letters
and I've made unanswered calls
and I've sent unread texts & emails
to you

and you are yet to know
how it feels
to be me
with you

To you it was always about
how beautiful I find your soul
how much love I give to it
it was always about
how I expressed love
in all the different ways
how much I cared about
the nights you cried
or the days you were happy
how I pampered you
or how I lectured you
it was all about how much
you could take without overflowing
and how much I could give

Love was a one way road for you
a road that didn't bend or curve
where going the other way
was a wrong way
a road with no stop signs
or signals

It was never about
how much love
you could give me back
or how sometimes
you could care about the nights
that were too dark for me
or how some days were just too bright
It was never about
how desirable I was
or how you could show me love
instead of speaking words that were lies
to you
it was about you
and so was it to me

I was finding ways to love you
you were finding more men
who would love you as I did
or ways to love yourself a little more

Love was a one way road
that went your way
and never turned back

you say you have all the answers
that you had all the right reasons
to leave me stranded
that you had no choice
maybe even that it was all me
that it was all my fault

but you don't know ****
you just want to validate
yourself for invalidating me
you just want to prove
that in this struggle for love
you were the victim

but you don't know ****
victims aren't the ones walking away
or the ones behind the bullet
or words
victims don't play with feelings
victims don't break hearts or **** souls

your only answer is to prove
how you had your reasons
but your reasons don't justify
a ****** of sorts
or playing me and leaving me to die
or telling me you love me
only to prove it a lie

MIND:

she won't fight for you
like you did
like you would
she won't sacrifice her months
or weeks
or days for that matter
to show you her love
she will disappear again
you're just her summer darling
and she'll leave you again
until the cold winds of winter arrive
and freeze her heart
and she'll ask you
to provide her warmth
and you'll be left to die
cold & frozen
she won't give you the love
you deserve
and happiness will still be
an imagination
that you will not be able to fathom
when next summer arrives
she'll be somewhere faraway
talking about her love of you
while giving you none
you'll trust her again
and she'll find new ways
to break it
and it will be worse than before
this isn't her first time
and surely it won't be her last
devils only change their skins
to ruin you in new ways

HEART:

But what if she has changed

you are
a curse
the source of all pain
the root of all suffering
the end of all beginning

you are
what causes
my heart to bleed
my happiness to recede
havoc to wreak

you are
what brings
death to life
darkness to light
disdain to love

you are
what feeds
the fire of my desire
the burn of my wounds
the anxiety of my soul

you are
the Devil's *****
the Reaper's *****
the Satan's ****

you are
malice in ones heart
intoxicant between ones lips
narcissist stuck between two selves
hell between me & heaven
abuse I could never endure

I want to ruin you
the way you ruined me
and you know I can
and you know I could
and you know I won't
and you know I didn't

I want to ruin you
because you ruined me
you took away my happiness
my reason to smile
you took away my soul
like the angel of death

you ruined my love
because I gave it all to you
and now I hate love
as much as I hate you
I don't trust love
just like I don't trust you

you ruined my heart
you broke it into pieces
and stepped on every piece
crushing every hope
I ever had
to be whole again

you ruined my life
by stepping into it
and then leaving
and then running back
only to walk away
slower

you ruined me
conquering my mind, body & soul
so much that
your happiness and sadness
became mine
but my inside went numb

you ruined me
worse than
he ruined you

I want to ruin you
but I don't have it
in me
to be as selfish
as heartless
as you

you'll find someone
but none like me
you'll try to find my love
and you'll look into his eyes
and only remember the way
I looked at you
with so much more than 'love'
with passion, desire & pride
you'll feel his heart beat in his chest
and maybe you'll feel safe
but you won't feel home
you'll long for the way
I kissed you
and how I never bored you
of life
and
of us
every time he calls your name
you'll hear my voice in the background
but you won't see me

you'll find men
ready to undress you
but how many will
put clothes back on your body
when they are done

you'll find men
who want to touch your skin
for their pleasure
but none will ever
want your soul

you'll find someone to love you
but honey
no one
NO ONE
N O  O N E
can love you half the way I did

you'll hear his heart beat
but you won't hear the two syllables
of your name engraved
in the rhythm of those beats
the way my heart's purpose
was to love you with
every breath of life

you'll put your head on his chest
but you won't hear your name
and darling
that's when you'll realize
what you've lost

when you love them so much
that you see the future in their eyes
and in the future you see a forever
with them

when you love them so much
that you want to drink
from their cup
so you can taste their lips

when you love them so much
that you want them
to eat before you do
because filling them fills you

when you love them so much
that every moment spent
without them
is like missing a limb

when you love them so much
that you fear
that one day you'll lose them
to fate or to life

when you love them so much
that their happiness
is the only thing
that makes you happy

when you love someone so much

how can you leave them
somewhere
in the middle of
life & death

three years
and now apart
in this month of this year

praying & fasting
together for one another
I'd complete your missed

the month you left
and the month I came home
only to live a little more
with you

and that Eid that followed
the Eid that always followed
lets not talk about it
or how we matched our colors
except for when you wore yellow

the nights were always
longer than the days for me
but the days stretched
for you

lets **** the days waiting for dusk
lets **** the nights waiting for dawn

I left you whilst still in love
because you didn't want to walk
you wanted to run
to your dreams
and you felt you couldn't run
and love at the same time
you only wanted to love yourself
because you couldn't afford to love me
and so I let you fly

you left me whilst still in love
asking for our old photographs & memories
and telling me you love me (liar)
and that your heart longs for me
but your mind doesn't want me
because you can't want me from afar
you didn't want to hurt me
but you said you had no choice
and so you let me die

I love you but
I really wish I could but
I miss you but
I do care but
I didn’t want to hurt you but

All the buts you’ve ever said
Will turn to all the things
You’ll regret when you’re old and dying

When you left me over a phone call that lasted a minute and a half
I should've known our fate then
when you said you wanted a second third fourth fifth chance
I should've said no

When you texted me tonight asking me to see your make-up
I should've said no
because all I can think of
apart from your gorgeous eyes
and your pink cheeks
and your chapped lips
is that
he will see you today
and he will remember
that you did it for him
that maybe you chose his favorite colour
or you put on his favorite perfume
he will remember that scent on you
from that one friday
the one day which was the best of his life
maybe he waits every friday to see you

you say you did it for you
but you did it for him way before you did it for you
you gave a part of you to him
a part that you'd only given to me
and it took you a day to bedazzle yourself for him
and you didn't even know him

he met you on a friday
or so I think
but he sees you every now and often
and he will forever remember
that you did this for him
what today you say
you're doing for yourself
but he won't know that
to him
its still like that past friday

one night
the other day

one dark
the other light

one cold
the other warm

.the sun & the moon fell in love.

they couldn't kiss
nor meet

they couldn't touch
nor speak

they peeked at each other
from a distance, so havoc won't wreak

they lived for a promise
that when life decides to compromise

.they too shall meet.

for the first time
and last

while stars conspire
and worlds collide

.they lived apart only to die together.

love is a knife with two blades
it is to be held by two
and both bleed
but they either both live
or one pushes it enough to **** the other

so yes there is a lot of pain in your heart
I've made my share of mistakes
but you know as much as I do
that in this law of the universe
one has to outweigh the other

and after that
my pain outweighs yours
you know that it does too
we could've been even
until you did that

darling don't you see
three years outweigh three days
specially when you know what's between
is what's true
so why'd you even try to try something new

darling, you say it was okay though
because it was over
and I can't help but think how
how can something worth 3 years
be "over" in 3 days for you

and how did you not know this
before you went out and did that
because no matter what bad I did
it wasn't enough for me to deserve that
the extra push of the knife to **** me

I'm not the type to get over it
and all you want from me is to
forget you ever did that
or to justify it one way
or some other

every conversation
every sentence
every word
I utter to you
will have traces of disloyalty

I ask love
why'd you tear the flesh off my bones ?
why'd you push the knife through my heart ?

love was silent
love was guilty
love was everything
but she was blind

It means you tried to look pretty for another man. You put on your eyeliner and mascara to attract him, look good for him. You put on a skin tight dress for him. You looked at him in the eyes and let him touch your hands or your back. You sat in the front seat with him and you let him give you flowers. You tried to want him, to love the color of his eyes or to like the shape of his body. You looked at him with lustful eyes without love. For a moment, you even tried to picture him as your husband or to have his child or what his child would look like if it were yours too. You might even have thought of his lips on yours or his body on top. You spoke to him with all the wrong intentions, not for work, not because he lives at your dorm or because you know him a bit, not even because he's just a random friend, but because of all the wrong intentions.

And all this was within 10 days of your drama and now you still have the audacity to tell me all about your loyalty and about how you've been nothing but loyal but if that, you think is loyalty then you don't know half the meaning of that word because loyalty doesn't need to taste other men/women and it sure wouldn't have put him in my shoes. Loyalty wouldn't try to lust over other men like a **** or dress up in **** tight jeans for them. Loyalty wouldn't need a free trial.

And lets flip roles here and say I tried to do what you did and lets say I took a pretty girl with straight hair out for a drive in my car and lets say I used my best perfume to smell nice for her and to want her to want to kiss me and lets say she's been trained to cook the best food and look the best for a husband and she's smart too and lets say that for a moment I try to want myself to want to be her husband and lets say she's more into me than I'll ever be into her and all she wants is to be sitting on my lap but she won't say it and I know her intentions but I take her out anyway and I wear my best button down and I say no to her proposal of getting me into her bed late at night but that doesn't mean I didn't try to want to say yes.

Would you call me "loyal" then if it took me lesser than 2 weeks to **** up a 3 year relationship which was made of so much more than 2 bodies, which was made of two hearts and souls. 10 days isn't enough for "loyalty" to want to move on or to try to. Loyalty is a pledge witnessed by god. Loyalty holds itself up in distance or in despair or in sickness or in misunderstandings and it surely holds itself up much longer than 10 ******* days.

So tell me whatever, tell me you aren't sorry or that you don't want him and you want me or don't want me or tell me about why we will never happen or why we will, tell me of his seven figure salary (and I won't give a ****), tell me his pros and all my cons, tell me how I was never enough or how I was too much, tell me whatever but don't you dare act loyal to make yourself feel better about your selfish **** self by calling it self-love and don't you dare tell me about stories of your loyalty with me because it only takes one to **** it all up and don't you dare disgrace my loyalty to you by ever calling yourself loyal after going out on a date with him.

I never trusted them
to love you like I would
or to keep you safe
the way I would
or to protect you
like I did
or to put you to sleep
in all the chaos
or to sweep you off your feet
with the same speed
or to walk on the road besides you
and keep you on the side walk

but I trusted you
to stay true to me
to keep your soul
more than your body
all for me

but I trusted you
to keep my trust
safe under your pillow
or in the tiny box I gave you
with your name engraved on it

but trust you see
can not replenish
nor can it deplete
it either is
or it isn’t

now tell me
do you deserve
for me to hand you something
that I already gave to you
and you lost it

you either forgot it at your dorm
or left it in his car
maybe it slipped outside your purse
as you walked into that restaurant with him
maybe its somewhere under his bed sheets

you lost it
and you won't find it
in your bedside drawer
or your old cupboard
or under the dusty carpets

maybe one day
when you're cleaning your room
you'll come across its remains
and understand
the true worth of what you lost

when you lost my trust ...

Since when ?
Since my skin felt her
touch
or since I brushed her hair
off her face
or since I last heard her soft
innocent voice
or tasted her enchanting
lips
or took her out for breakfast
lunch or dinner
or since our eyes met
and I looked long enough to forget my name
or since she sat in front of a mirror
only to remember my body with hers
or since I was inside of her
and she felt every inch of my manhood
or since she grabbed my manhood
and asked for more
or since she cared
enough to not let go
or since I got her a present
that she actually liked
or since she spoke to me
in something other than words
or listened to what I was saying
in all the silence
or since I carved her name
on my skin with a blade
or since my night was her day
and her day was my night
or since someone surprised her
only to feel **** for what came after
or since I kissed her forehead
to welcome her home
or since I put her to bed
and then to sleep
or since she forgot all of it
and threw me away
or since we shared
dawn & dusk
or since I heard her say
those words that I miss much like her

how long has it been to what
because I can keep this going
and the answer to all of it is
true to be same

long enough for me to be dying
not enough for me to be dead

We would be in the city of poets
and I'd write my touch on your skin
we may or may not have been on dinner dates
but surely we'd have all 3 meals together
you'd love the poetry I write
and I'd love the miracles of my talent
we'd read the same books
and study together
despite you studying anthro
and me science
but I am sure we'd find some common classes too
or the small gap between them
I'd sneak you into my dorm with my hoodie
or we'd drive off into our forever
one that we dreamed off
one that was a choice
one that you never chose

or maybe not
maybe

We'd be in the city of lights
the city that never sleeps
and I'd pick you up every other morning
and we'd have breakfast at espresso
or we'd sit in my car and have what your mom makes
we may or may not be going to the same college
but that wouldn't stop us from reading the same books
or going to food & book festivals
maybe even debating together in the same tournaments
your mom would have a face to my name
and mine would know who "all this" is about
we would fight but trust me
a kiss would more than suffice
and I'd sneak you out at 2 am
and we'd drive off to a now then
a now with peace & love
a now with your favorite music
a now that you never chose to be

but maybe
just maybe
either way

we'd both be left with a place
we could call home

you're sitting so far away
telling me this and that
and I don't know what's true
and what's not
new or old ?
is there really someone new
did you really do this to go and do that
because darling if what I hear
is really true
then home has its doors closed for you

you tell me not to fck with you
and believe what I already know
that in the end its always me & you
but I really don't know anything anymore
and you aren't helping with your
mixed vibes
I've always known for a fact
that its you & me when all this is over
because I know what it feels like
to have found your soulmate
but is all this "new" talk really true
or is it more of your poetic bullcrap

and trust me I'm into neither
but I'd rather have a bitter pill
of truth and death
than one of life and fantasy

all I'm saying is
I'm no 3rd and 5th choice
no half-assed promise
no sugar coated lie
and you know me
and you know what I'm saying
even when I'm not saying it
because I don't got a this or a that
for me
its either this or its that
so stop with your mixed vibes
and tell me what is it
new or old?
and is it really true

You said there is nothing
not distance
not time
not sacrifice
not even love
between me & you
as you turned your back on me
and walked far far away
further than I could see you
(I still see you when I close my eyes)
further than I could hear you
(I still hear you call my name)
I ask
what is this then
this strong pull
that brings you back to me
and me back to you
is this not the universe conspiring
is this not the sun kissing the moon
is this not the stars whispering
if me & you were never meant to be
if me & you are never meant to be
if "I" is not meant to be with "U"
then what is putting us back together
like pieces of a broken heart
then why are all my dreams about you
and trust me I have nightmares too
but they too are all about you
tell me why
do you do this
only to do that
and why
is there nothing
yet everything between me & you
why is it so ******* easy to love you
when I have all the reasons to hate you

if god never meant for us
to be together
then why
did he put "this"
between us
and more importantly
what the **** is "this" .

5 foot 8
is what I'd tell her
5'7
she'd always argue
she'd add an inch to her height
5'3 (5'2)
and decrease one from mine
just to overcome the distance
between our lips
to make it easier for her
to climb up to my lips
and kiss
and don't get me wrong
I'm no anti-feminist
"making my girl do all the work"
I'd offer to get low
but she just liked her standards high
(I guess somethings are just
worth fighting for a little harder)
that said
I had my reasons
to maintain the 5'2 argument
you see
she is a small girl
with a big attitude
and I just liked the way
how she'd have to
look up into my eyes
to see where my lips are
and she'd look away right away
and I'd have to ****** her
with my kisses
to get a look of the galaxies in those eyes
(I guess somethings are just
worth fighting for a little harder)

He don’t wanna love you like I did
He wanna *******
Get you a baby
And give you the American dream

what’s new now
will sometime also be old

will you then seek something new
again....
or come back to the old old

I want to
scratch your name off my mind
forget your hideous face
remove your voice
that echos so loud in my head
forget the feeling of your disgusting skin
and how it felt on mine
forget the filthy lies
that left your tongue
the words you were never held accountable for
forget the curls of your hair
that ripped my skin with softness
your fcking hazel eyes
that were never loyal to the brown in mine
that would always seek blue or green

I want to
rip every ******* memory
of you
from my heart
and then
from my mind
and rip my soul
apart from yours
burn every memory of you
that I have in
letters
pictures
scents
all your fake cunning tactics
to use
and then abuse
burn every part of myself
that you own
the love
the poetry
the letters
the memories
everything

I want amnesia to hit me
and take away all of you
from all of me

I hate you

for your selfish actions
for your countless lies
for the nights with no stars
for the darkness in the light
for the death in life
for the life in death
for leaving
for then staying
for then staying to leave
for the silent
for the silence too loud
for the tone you used
for the music you ruined
for your broken promises
for my broken heart
for all that was fake

for my own sake

I say
I hate you
so that maybe one day
I just may

with blood-stained arms
ink-stained fingers
tear-stained face

my scarred skin asks
do you still
write for me

love doesn't hurt
love didn't hurt
love doesn't break bones
or slit throats
love removed all your past pain
and gave me a life in you

so don't you dare blame
the one thing
that puts life into life itself
and makes a flower
feel like a garden
for your own shortcomings

the pain wasn't love
the pain was you taking love away
over and over again
for different reasons everytime
most of which didn't have anything
to do with love but were your own dilemmas

love didn't hurt nor ****
you did
forgetting that in order to keep love
one must love back with persistence
compromise & commit
those form a base for love to grow

perhaps I can do nothing
except wish that
one of the two didn't happen
either i never saw you
or you never left
all the times you did

The place we stood to take photos
and you shamelessly owned your bright red chappal (slippers)
and I loved it
the place where I loved you
we checked the shades of lipsticks on our hands
love red on your hand and your skin cream on mine
the place where you asked me for a hug
and your mom nearly caught us in the act

This was also the place we shopped for you
where you kissed me inside a cabin in a try room
the same place we had a conversation & cinnabon
while people stared and almost envied you
because of all the love you got from me
where we loved the dazzling blue traditional dress
which was just too expensive
but that didn't stop us from looking

The place where we broke stereotypes
in more ways than one
and I couldn't help but remember how
we both hated shopping
but loved shopping together
how you always picked faster than I did
but i still picked for you
because you liked it better that way

All I could think of were the words
words you had said there then
and I could only ask myself
if you ever meant a single one

"Choose for me"
"Your choice of dress makes my Eid special"
"Kiss me"
"You are my favorite person to shop with"
"Lets do this again soon"
"Thankyou for the beautiful day"
"I love you"

Those words still echo through the walls of that place
and the walls inside my head

echo
Echo
ECHO
LOUD
STOP

I LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT
I FCKING LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT

STOP
LOUD
ECHO
Echo
echo

All I can think of are the words
you say now

"I don't even love you anymore"
"I didn't miss you"
"I hope you die"
"I don't want a forever with you"
"I can't commit to you anymore"

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
and I say ghost because you are dead
this person is a shell with no soul
or heart

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
everything smells of you
and looks like you
and sounds like you

And I am going crazy
in this place
where **we loved

I know what you call heartbreak
I know the secrets of your body*

your body breaks more than your heart
you want to fall down
let go of your two feet
stay in bed let your eyes weep
growling stomach - hunger but oh
you can't eat
you forget
you forget that you did this to yourself

your body is tired
its tired of missing a heart
and it seeks a break
from none but you
not all sickness is a mental illness
it just wants you to know
you forget that your period
isn't due in ten days, its due in two
and your body longs for someone
who can just remember that for you

where will you find another one like me

If you were me
you'd hate you too
for the broken promises
false words
fake tries
true lies

you'd hate yourself too
because you're the most selfish
that a person can ever be
you pick people out
just to use them and keep them
keep them till they tell you who you are
and then you throw them

you'd hate yourself too
because no sane man or woman
loses their mind like you do
***** you are crazy
its either the chemicals in your brain
or past pain but whatever it is
it has nothing to do with me

you'd hate yourself too
because you take a 180 flip
you’d say you love me
and then you won’t
you’d want to marry me
and the next moment
you’d want to fck a white boy

you’d hate yourself too
because you’d see the pure evil
behind the fake innocence
the devil behind that fake smile
the selfish ***** acting all selfless and kind
the liar making promises
promises she never intends to keep

you’d hate yourself too
because you’d see the girl I loved
and how that girl kicked me and killed me
again and again and again and again
in so many different ways
for reasons unjust
for self satisfication

you’d hate yourself
down to your very core
even if I never could