Are you even aware of all the pain
you caused me every single time ?

A short mail with a sorry at the end
You think that compensates
for all the pain you caused
or even that which you caused
with your short mail

Didn't you just want "space"
I wasn't even ready
you showed me a world
where we were about to fly
and threw me down from the 7th sky

Hours turned into days
but for once
I didn't see days even turn to weeks
or weeks into months
months of forever

Do you even know the feeling
when you love a person
and care about them so much and miss
so much that they become a part of
your very existence

Do you even know the feeling
of loving a person so much
with your heart and soul
that you lose your mind
missing them

Perhaps you may or may not know that
but there is something you surely
do not know
The feeling when that very person
walks all over you heartlessly

I took your word
when you said
this was just space you needed
it wasn't supposed to be a setup
to fck me over

Perhaps for you this is a game
all just a measure of pain
to see how much it takes
for my skin to tear apart and
for me to bleed out of my eyes

You don't even know what its like
when your soul is being ******
out of your body
yet the only name you can still think of
is of the one you love
and they still choose to walk all over
your dying breaths

fck your sorry
and fck you

you've left me in sickness
and you've left me in health
you've left me in droughts
and you've left me in rain
you've left me while dying
and you've left me crying

You've left me again and again
and I've stuck by you in times
that you left and those when your
need was a hand to hold and cry
or when you wanted to rip that same skin
in your anxiety & pain

I saw what he did to you
I saw the blackmail
I saw the false pain he painted
I heard his fake screams
and your real ones
and so I wondered

I wondered why
you painted the same pain
with blood and heartbreak
and called me a monster all night
while asking me to help you
these were the same words he used

This was the same pain he gave you
in different ways
with different doses
for different incentives
yet still
the same pain

You'd come back
and I'd believe you to stay
I believed that you would stay
at least for the time you had promised
and its not my fault
if you had promised forever

You'd leave again
like everytime
but I knew you'd come back
like everytime
but this time you say is different
like everytime
and I'm left knowing nothing
like everytime

I had believed my first kiss (you)
would also always be my last
I fought for it to be
maybe I still might
but then how are you so comfortable
kissing lips that aren't mine

You hated your name
perhaps because he told you
that it meant "mine" (his)
But I made you love it
because I showed you its real meaning
The gift from God

Hence I wonder
what makes you hurt me
the way he hurt you
what makes you leave
around every corner
when what is needed is a fight

I am no saint no savior no medic
but I stuck through your nightmares
and I bared the pain you caused
only to sit you down
and stop you from killing
what I had in me for you

But you are My Killer
finding reasons to leave me
ways to hurt me
procedures to rip open
my chest and cut through my heart
that beat with your two syllable name

I still wonder why
and the one reason you offer
is just not strong enough
or good enough
to leave someone in the ways
you left me

I'm no saint
but I've never left you in pain
the way you've always left me

i've always provided you
with something better
so if you ask for silence
watch me give you
something greater

the losing will be yours
and in the end it'll just
be me & you
who'll both be lost

you asked with silence
"so now what"
and i said
nothing
you asked again
"its over?"
and i still said
nothing

you see its not that easy
and its not that fair
to run back and away
in the same breath
while still crazy
and madly
in love and well
i hate to admit it too
but what do i do
when its true
but unlike you
i can't be untrue
to you or myself

so to answer your
queries more explicitly
though silence is an answer too
but rather unclear
and i speak from experience
and i speak from my heart
and maybe that makes
me a fool of all sorts
and this write is a
foolish act of love too
but haven't i always
been an idiot of sorts
only for you

and so here i go
telling you that if
you are to ever see
our future
the one you dream of
or think about
much like me
and if you really
understand this part of
me

then will you vow
(i don't want a promise)
to never speak false
words that lie
and will you vow
to correct all that
which you lied about
or does it matter to you
so much more
and i could go on and on
but bitterness has been
put aside
for this write
so tell me
will you vow
to never ever walk away
the way you always have
telling me to lose all hope
and going off to a place
you know too far away
from me

will you commit
to gaining back
the trust you lost

and you see
this isn't a lot
this isn't unfair
and this
is
not
negotiable
or a negotiation

these are simple pacts
i've kept to myself
for you
but you lost track
of ones you gave
to me

there's not much time
for you to decide
i've asked for 3 things
and i won't wait long
darling
i'll soon disappear
into the darkness of the night
and the light of the day
and there will then be no way

but here's an answer
it isn't over everyday
and "is it over" shouldn't
be the first question
on our minds
ever
it wasn't on mine
so look up and look out

this really may be
the last time
because from here on
it'll all be silence

i've taken my time
and spoken
and i will not be broken
and from now on
my silence will reply to all
your questions

sometimes
i just want to
call you
and ask you
all the* whys
knowing that
you may not have
answers to any of them
or maybe you will
and you will choose
to once again
**lie

Losing someone
To death or
To distance

Loving someone
To death or
To life

Oh darling of mine

You make promises
you know you can't keep
and don't even realize that
promises aren't to be kept
they are to be fulfilled

Promises aren't to be kept
under your pillow or
under the warm sun's light
they aren't words mumbled
they are taken actions

You'd promise to never
betray nor leave me
when the clouds would roar
of troubles we faced
but I fought the clouds alone

You'd "step out" of my life
telling me to lose all hope
to ever have your love
telling me to die and ease
this world of agony

You'd "step out" of my life
and maybe you wouldn't walk into
someone else's life but didn't you
then walk with someone else to see
how a life without me was all about

Oh darling of mine

You make words seem
like kisses on the beach
when they'd all be thorns
growing out of your skin
not realizing that

Words don't need to soothe
they don't have to comfort
a dead soul in distress
words are supposed to rip a heart out
and stop it from beating lies

You'd talk about never
forging words nor corrupting
truths with lies that were made
ruthlessly of despise
and i saw that in your eyes

You'd say that
"I lied cuz..."
so baby don't you dare
lie over a lie and tell me
stories of how you'd never lie

You'd be writing writes
about the one with green eyes
telling me its all but fiction
with no one in your mind
surely that night i must've been blind

oh darling of mine*

you're hell's fire
that burns my heart
with hurt and desire

you've been a liar
for a time I did not inquire

now toss me once again and burn me alive in hell's fire

A mere few days
And we had almost
Gotten back together

I got you a present
And you saw our future
But I guess love much like you
Is not that simple
It’ll show you the best
And give you the worse
When you least expect it

And so it was
When you confessed
To your lies
And broke me once again

But this isn’t about me
Or my heart that you broke
Or my souls that you consumed
Or my mind that you poisoned

This is about you
And your blatant lies
The ones you fed me with love
For breakfast lunch and dinner

This is about how I trusted you
Blindly and unconditionally
If the words came from you
They were default correct for me

This is about how you had no guilt
As you pretended
To be someone you’re not
And showed me a you
That didn’t even exist

And I don’t want the you
That exists

The you that exists is a liar
The you that’s real is a cheat

But look at my misery
I say
i love you
When I don’t even know **you

There were times I dreamt
sometimes of us
sometimes of you
other times you'd show me
all the dreams of us

Now you're a nightmare
that I see in days and
talk about to myself at night
while the stars shine
and the wind is still cold

I dreamt last night
of you sinning again
with a sinner who wasn't me
and maybe that sinner
wasn't anyone

But I was mad
and you weren't sorry
and I woke recklessly
thinking of all the hate
and the filth

All of what had consumed
my mind but not my heart
my heart still pure and hurt
but my mind all filled with disgust

So green eyes was all it took
For you to forget the way I loved
The way I kissed

green eyes was all you needed
To fall for someone else huh
A soft smile and there you go follow

***** it wasn't him with the love
It was me
It wasn't his eyes
That made you love yourself
It was mine

You said 4 years baby
I'm just going to study
"I'm not losing you at any cost"
But there you go follow

29 days and 16 hours
That's all it took you to get over me
Get over my silver necklace
The signs of my love
The marks of us

Didn't take you too long did it

I first loved your naked soul
it wasn't about your body
it was just how your soul
made love to mine

and somewhere in time
i ****** up
and you ****** up too
and we can argue all day
about who ****** up more
who left who

but in the end
none of that matters
because i am not perfect
nor are you flawless
but few things i can etch on a stone

I've sipped away your tears
and kissed your scars
I've made love to your heart
long before i touched your body
I have been loyal to you
during your presence and in your absence too
I remain incapable of ever lying to you
I kept you warm when I myself was cold
I put down my guard when you needed someone to hit
I refuse to see a face not yours
Or touch a body that doesn't belong to your soul
I have loved you with my existence
I shared your worst nights
I accepted your worst thoughts
I never left you ever
In good time or bad
I stuck by you
And I continue to do so
Even while you are gone

You used to say
remind me of us when I forget

So baby remember
we are two unique souls
Who only fit in eachother
No thing and no one else
Can satisfy us but you and me
Together

You can hate me
Call me a coward
Or a cheat

But you know better
That I'm none of that
And you can't hate me

There's too much love between us
For either of us to hate each other
There are way too many chocolate boxes
And colourful envelops
And way too many kisses
To even try getting over
You're wearing my t-shirt as you read this
I hold the keychain which you marked with our love, as I write

So we can waste our time trying to hate
Trying so hard to fail this
But your heart belongs to me
And mine you've already taken with you

And yes
I hurt you
Like you hurt me
But you see
When you are extra careful
With a glass artifact
Much like you
Then sometimes you tip over
And the glass cracks a bit
But you break a bone saving it

I'm cold
And much like you
I also do not have anyone
To provide warmth and love
But unlike me
You can count on my soul
To leave behind traces of love
For you to gather
As you move ahead in time
And still remain 12 hours behind

These were the sacred words
Be mine baby all mine
As I kissed you
As I loved you
Be mine baby just mine
It's a wish
It's a request
Be mine baby girl
I'm asking you to stay
I'm asking you for trust
Be my love baby girl
I'll make you my life
I'll make you my wife

Oh but look at you
You wanted that other one
That other guy
While I was here
Giving you myself
You were busy
Making him yours
Looking at a face not mine
Looking at a body not mine
Looking for love not mine

******* baby girl
For this is what you made of us
For this is what you did for us
Get the **** out
Ask him for love
And see for yourself
Can he love half of mine
Will he even ask you
To "be mine"

For the last time
in forever
i tasted a memory
of us
for the final time

the odd ice-cream flavors
we made over phone calls
and i would get them
straight to your house
the very next afternoon

perhaps you have forgotten
its taste
perhaps you have forgotten
the taste of my lips
with odd tasting ice cream

well nonetheless
i tasted it one last time
and it was intoxicating
more than any wine or *****
it hurt a little too

maybe because i couldn't taste
your lips with it
or touch your cheeks
or call you mine
while i claimed this flavor to be ours

**** 'ours'
nothing is 'ours'
and what the **** was
this word called 'us'
you had me thinking it meant 'infinite'

only the red and black
that you wore that night
has etched itself
in my memory
for infinite

also that smile
that voice
oh and the way you looked
straight in my eyes
and how it was so easy for you to say your byes

perhaps i wasn't black enough
or maybe i wasn't popular
enough to be called a celebrity
or enough
to make you stay

it hurts oh ****
the remnants of that night
in the flavors of almonds
and strawberries
straight from your lips

and in black & white
pictures of you and me
dancing the night away
under dim lights and
bright love

well how sad
this was the last sip of the 32nd flavor
and never again will this be
for there never will be an 'us'
which ever again means **'infinite'

I'd say baby girl I love you
I'd say baby girl I miss you
I'd say baby girl you can do this
I'd say oh my love
Take care

Was losing everything
my past, present & future

I lost our to be
seeing you wear that special dress; the color of which I'll never find out
Hearing about your little sister make it big in college
Taking our families out together
Buying our first house
Showing your dad how to make real French toasts
Drinking the tea your mom makes
Or the muffins your sister would make at Noor's birthday
Our Noor
Raising her
Loving her
Loving you

baby i found myself
when I found you

*I've lost myself, finding you again

Not all puzzles are made
to be solved
not all
have a solution
some too easy
others too complicated

But jig-saws like her
you can't solve those
and you better not try
that is unless
you want to be
blamed
for the chaos you find
in each solution

Oh and the chaos in her voice
i was a boys who....
correction
i was the only boy
who found
peace in her chaos
and
love in that peace

Her voice was fire
blazing
burning
crackling
loud
clear
yet soft

That was when
the beauty of her noise
first rained on my dry heart
till
the time she walked away
her last words unclear
but her voice
still strikes me
days and nights

her voice
is blessing
still is for those who receive it
it's disappearance
a true curse it has proven to be

Its raining baby outside
umbrellas wont help you
nor will your tears
surely not your fears

baby girl pack your bags
not more than a single memory
okay just maybe 2
flashlights baby get them too

the wind is mad
its fighting you
don't fight back
just hide yourself

The oceans are marching
with armies of wind
but nations of faith
stand up still

charge up baby
yourself and phones too
stay calm baby
God heard yours and mine too

crackers and cookies
keep them too
mummy and bubby
hug them too

Whistles and voices
Save them too
Keep speaking
Let me hear your noise

Storms may be loud
And oceans may be sound
But none can bring you down
For hope you prevail

This will all pass
I promise you that
like me and you
hurricanes die too

So last night
My mind was littered
With thoughts about you
And my sleep suffered
As it always does
Shouldn't you be jetlagging
Then why am I the one
Who can't sleep
I fell asleep at 5 a.m
And dreamt about you

Even when I'm asleep
Your thoughts won't go away
Well
I called you
In my dream ofcourse
And you picked up
I was once again blessed
With your voice
You weren't too nice in your tone
Slightly mad
Perhaps I shouldn't have called
I kept repeating
"How are you "
"Take care of yourself I miss you"
You wouldn't say a word
And so I said
"Alright I'm going now"
And as I cut the call
I heard you say
"Stay"

And so I called you back
You were crying
Hurting
Missing me too maybe
But then you spoke back
I told you even in my dream
To come back to me
A little sooner
And in that moment
In my dream
I even stole a glimpse of you
Hazel eyes
Oh those ******* hazel eyes
I wish I'd never wake up
I wish I'd have died in that sleep

You told me
you were going to sleep
And that was when I said
I'm just waking up
Yes I keep track of time
The hours ahead and behind
You put down the phone
And then
I saw in my dream
That you hid your pain
You cried
with heaviness in your heart
Did you miss me?
I do not know
But you cried
And when your mom came
You rubbed your eyes
With your soft hands
Put a straight face up
And just stopped
Just stopped crying

So there was a first time?
Did you lie?
Are you making this up?
Did you really love him?
Oh so just good moments you say
Hmm

Amnesia hit you too soon baby don't you think

You say you don't remember love
When love embraced you
With all your flaws
And called you perfect

You say you don't remember love
When love came to see you
At 12am in the morning
You were leaving love behind

You say you don't remember love
When love stayed up nights
And walked you through days
When you'd remember hurt

You say you don't remember love
When love was all you had
When everything else left you
To cut your wrists in the bathroom

You say you don't remember love
When love came
To free you off Xanax pills
When that was all you ate

Yes baby love hurt you
And love almost killed you
Yes love was good moments
and love was bad times too

Love even ****** up
But that's what love is
That's who love is
Accept it
Embrace it
Live it

And stop lying to yourself

Love was there always
Even when you blocked love out
Even when you sent love away
Even when you told love to leave

Love was there then
And
Love is here
Now

The second time you say ?
Oh really

Love was your first kiss
Love was your first love
Love was hugs and kisses
Love was letters and journals
Love was long nights and no days
Love was happiness and hurt
Love was breakfast and lunch
Love was donuts and cookies
Love was T-shirts and jeans

And don't you dare
Oh baby don't you dare
Don't you disrespect love
Because love was nothing like him

This isn't 2013
And love isn't him
It never was him
Or if it was then you lied

This is 2015
Now say I'm stuck in time
But I didn't do half of what he did
Not one fourth of what I could

This is 2017
And I won't do anything
And I can't
Because love still loves you

Love still loves the **** out of you
And you label love as toxic
Because love was mostly far away
But never too much
Love didn't always have arms
But love always had a heart
Love always saw your beauty

The second time you say?

Well ****
First kisses don't happen 2 times

Moments you say ?

Well ****
You can't relive them without love

Open your eyes baby
See love
For love loves you
And you love him too

Is this what it has come to
You and me....us
Now you label me a "previous"

You see baby the thing is
When there is a previous
There are doors open for a next

And although I am aware of you
I'm aware there can't be a next
It hurts to be thrown back

Thrown back into your past
All the way from forever infinity
To a petty "previous"

You are red blue and colorful
with that green hijab of yours
You are ice cream and kulfi
burgers and fries
You are the edges of that pizza
(the extra cheese was mine)
You are journals
and diaries
poetry and prose
mascara and eyeliner
books and novels
gulab jamun and chocolate boxes
music and sunset
tip toes with kisses
hazel eyes
crazy smile
stretch marks (tiger of mine)
you are apologies and cries
sad and destroyed
warm and silent
hurt
you are hurt too

you are all of my time
either 2 hours ahead or 12 behind
you are more than a memory
forever of mine
perhaps I will always be in love
with the thought of you being mine

I miss you
I know you do too
but i am going crazy
those 7 seconds
or so it seemed
was that the last time
was that it
will i never see you again
Those sparkling hazel eyes
The red with the black
But you looked
you looked at me with repulsive eyes
why
WHY
it was the last time
then what is the repulsiveness for
where is all your love

"I love you" my last words to you
"Thankyou" yours

Is that befitting
does that do justice to us

I'm both those men in your poem
The one that puts you in his arms
And the one who loved/lost you

Cuz I am sure that
You can not and will not
Find a man
Any man
With as loyal a set of arms as mine
With as safe a set of arms as mine

And I may frustrate you
I truly must have
I'm crazy
But the way I loved
Oh the way I loved

Who has ever shown you love
Like that
The way I have

No man's arms will ever suffice
After these ones right here

You can pick the million bads
In me
and hate me for it
Bitterness we call it

But don't you dare forget
The billion goods that turned
Into love and love me for it
Memories we call it

Oh what's that
You're running away??
From who
The person who was your home
From love itself as you knew of it

How far will you get running
Until you forget the way back
And then you'll panic
Cuz there will be no way left

From all of this
From all of that
I want nothing from you
But just one more memory

One that I can hang on to
One that I can live off
One that I can cry about

One that helps me wait for you
One that helps me love you
One that helps me miss you

One where we talk
One where we share food
One where we just love

And that's it

Something that I can hang on to
For the rest of my life

And if you can't give me that
Then something I can hang on to
For the next 4 years

And if you can't give me that
Then something I can hang on to
For the next few month

But give me something
To hang on to
To miss you off of
To love you off of
To hope of us off
To survive

Because without you
I can merely be alive
And I'd rather just survive